


Organa's Organics

by TuppingLiberty



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Check chapters for tags, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, farmer!poe, lawyer!Finn, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-11-22 15:15:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 100
Words: 260,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11382819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuppingLiberty/pseuds/TuppingLiberty
Summary: **Pre TLJ fic, no spoilers**Tucked in a quiet part of the Willamette Valley, Organa's Organics is your friendly neighborhood organic farm, with a market, barn parties, oh, and some legal trouble with Ben Organa.That's the set up - but this story ultimately spans Finn and Poe's relationship all the way through to the next generation.Although this story will be marked as "complete" I always reserve the right to come back to it. In that case, new chapters will more than likely be posted both on here, and in "Out of Time" if you're subscribed to that.Recent updates: Chapter 100





	1. A Soaring Heart - Rated T

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost for three purposes: first, I recently had to download fics for a plane ride and realized how annoying it was to have to download a series one at a time! So, this will be posted all as one fic, with chapters, to make it easier to download. Two, while I'm at it, I'm going to fix grammar and typos and stuff. Third, I may add scenes here and there - normally smut scenes - that didn't appear in the original run, back when I didn't write smut. 
> 
> The chapters from Out of Time have, for the most part, been reinserted into the chronology of the story. I've made some creative choices about certain chapter placement. :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn's a law student working for the summer at First Order Law, and encounters Poe Dameron, farm manager for Organa's Organics, when Ben attempts to sell the part of the farm Han left him in his will. 
> 
> Tags: First Kiss

The first time Finn saw Poe Dameron, he felt sorry for him.  The man was sitting in the law office waiting room in one of the uncomfortable chairs First Order deemed appropriate for visitors, knees spread wide and hands clasped between, head down in seeming defeat.  Finn clamped down on the surge of sympathy he felt; Rey was always telling him he had too big a heart to be working for a place like First Order Law, and lately he'd been having to admit to himself that she may be right.  

“Poe Dameron?” he announced, looking expectantly at the seated man.

Poe rose, an impatient look on his face.  He picked up a cowboy hat from the seat next to him, and for the first time, Finn noticed that Poe wore the faded jeans, well-worn shirt, and leather jacket of someone who made his living outdoors.  Finn had seen a lot of strange people since moving to Portland, but this may just be the first cowboy he’d seen here.  The sight reminded him of New Mexico, home, the desert, and his first crush.  Finn extended a hand, saying, “Finn Smith.  I’m Ms. Phasma’s assistant.  If you’ll just come with me?” A callused hand briefly shook his, and they wound their way through the white and chrome aesthetic of First Order’s Portland office.

Finn held a door open for Poe, noting crow’s feet that could only come from laughter on the older man’s face, and unexpectedly Finn wished that he was making Poe laugh instead of leading him to his doom.

Finn gestured for Poe to sit at a conference table, seating him on the side where he could admire the view of downtown and the Willamette River.  “Can I get you anything to drink?”

Poe smirked, and again, Finn couldn’t help thinking that he’d like to make Poe smile in a happy way.  “Phasma’s keeping me waiting as a power play, right?” Poe noticed Finn looking uncomfortable, and smiled genuinely this time. “Sorry, buddy, I just have kind of had it up to here with this First Order bullshit, get me?”

Before Finn could react to _that_ , an incredibly tall blonde walked into the room, all power suit and polish and suppressed spitfire in her eyes.  “Mr. Dameron.  A pleasure to finally meet you face to face,” she said, though everyone in the room knew she was lying through her teeth.  “Shall we get down to business?” She coughed, looking expectantly at Finn, and Finn scrambled to place a file in her hands.  She flipped through it as Poe rolled his eyes at the further wait and Finn sat by Phasma’s side, ready to take notes. “I see Ms. Organa has elected not to attend?”

“Leia trusts me to deal with her business, even if that business is a bunch of crap.”

Finn winced internally and hoped that Poe had an alternate line of work to go into.  He’d seen Phasma chew up and spit out arrogance for breakfast.

“Besides,” Poe continued, “I don’t see Ben here, either.”

Phasma looked at him with cold eyes.  “My client paid me a great deal of money to deal with this on his behalf.  Can you say the same for Organa’s Organics?”

 _Ah_ , Finn thought, _so, less a cowboy, more a farmer._

“Organa’s Organics sister company, Solo Brewing, was left to my client in a legally binding will.  It is, therefore, his to sell off, just as the land currently growing hops on your little farm is his to sell.  Frankly, Mr. Dameron, you and your boss don’t have a leg to stand on in this case.  You’d be better off preparing for the unemployment line than wasting my time here today.”  

This time, Finn visibly flinched, but luckily he was sure no one noticed.  He glanced at Poe, expecting to see anger, yes, but also defeat.  No one went up against First Order and won.  Celebrities hired them to get them cleared of murder charges, for God’s sake.  Instead, Poe looked cheeky, defiant.  Finn was forced to reevaluate his first impression of feeling sorry for Poe.  Now, Finn was impressed.  How many times had he seen people explode with anger in this very office?  How many times had he seen people burst into tears?  But here was Poe, looking cool as a cucumber and actually coming off _charming_ in his anger.

“I came here because I was hoping Ben would have the balls to show up.  You know as well as I do that Mr. Solo put a provision into his will that forbids sale.  Tell ‘ _your client_ ’ that he’s wasting everyone’s money by fighting this thing.  Tell him he needs to come home and talk to his mother.”

Finn, temporarily distracted by Poe’s charisma and passion, forgot himself and blurted out, “Well, if that’s the case, then you’re right, it’s a pointless legal battle to undo the will…” He trailed off as Phasma looked at him sharply and he simply thought, _oh. Shit._ He coughed and looked down at his notes, scribbling furiously.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Dameron,” Phasma said icily, because she was clearly not sorry. “I have no intention of telling my client to back down in this matter.  My assistant, if he survives the day, will have paperwork delivered to you by the end of the week.”  

Out of the corner of Finn’s eye, he saw Poe look at him with a bit of sympathy, before sliding his gaze back to Phasma with a smug smirk. “What, you can’t bring it down to the farm yourself?  Because honestly, I think we could sell tickets to see that sight.”

Phasma’s pale white skin pinkened involuntarily in anger, and she glared. “Good day, Dameron.”  She whipped out of the room, calling behind her, “Finn, show him out, then come to my office _immediately._ ”

Poe let out what Finn thought might be a genuine short laugh.  “Well, that went well.”  

As Finn led him from the conference room and back through the maze of offices and hallways, Poe leaned towards him conspiratorially. “I’m torn, buddy.  I really hope you don’t lose your job over that remark, but honestly you don’t seem like the kind of guy who should be working for First Order anyway.”

Finn glanced around, making sure he was not being overheard. “I’ve been thinking that lately, too.  At the time, this seemed like a good stepping stone into getting a great job after I finish law school, but helping Phasma crush dreams, steal candy from babies, and kick puppies is really starting to drag me down.”  Finn wasn’t sure where this sudden burst of words came from, but he was immediately gratified when Poe let out another genuine laugh.  Finn had been right, it really did feel great to make Poe laugh.

They came to a stop in the waiting room, Finn feeling anxious about the upcoming meeting with Phasma, and Poe looking worried, _bless him,_ for his sake.  It suddenly struck Finn as funny that _he_ was the one who thought he felt sorry for _Poe_ just twenty minutes ago. He let out a kind of hysterical bark of laughter, drawing the look of the receptionist.  Now Poe looked even more worried, as if maybe Finn wasn’t entirely stable, and he wanted to provide that stability, which made Finn want to laugh all the harder, but he bit down on his lip to stop himself from further humiliation.

“Listen, bud- Finn,” Poe corrected himself, “I feel like I have a vested interest in your situation right now.” He put a comforting hand on Finn’s shoulder, and Finn felt the warmth through his thin white dress shirt.  “I’d feel really bad if I walked out of here and didn’t know how the story ended, so to speak.  If I gave you my number, would you text me later?” Finn’s eyes widened in surprise at that, but before he was even cognizant of what he was doing, he had handed his phone over to Poe. Poe smiled, and Finn’s heart tripped a little. _Oh. Shit._

Before Finn could think much else, Poe was handing him back his phone, perching his cowboy hat on his head, giving Finn such a quick hug that Finn didn’t even have time to react and hug back, and walking out the door in his, _oh god, are those cowboy boots?_

Finn turned on his heel, barely glancing at the receptionist who had taken this entire interaction in with keen eyes and was even then picking up her phone to make a call upstairs.  He glanced at the phone in his hand, heart tripping again at the tiny black words **Poe Dameron** shining up at him.  He quickly flicked away the screen and instead typed a new message to Rey.  

 **Finn:** I’m in trouble.

As he went past his desk to Phasma’s office, he saw her set the phone in its cradle and thought to himself, _in more ways than one._

\----------

“Consider this your final warning, Mr. Smith.  Your work here has been exceptional…” Phasma had this amazing way of complimenting a person right before crushing them. “... but loyalty to our clients is first and foremost in this company.  People come to us because they need help, and we have a reputation.  The US legal system is messy and chaotic, and we bring order and civility to the process.”  Phasma continued on for a few minutes, and Finn zoned out because when Phasma got on a roll, she could go on _forever._ It was like she thought she could brainwash him into the correct way of thinking if she only droned for long enough. “Thank you, Mr. Smith.  Can you please check on the paperwork for the Solo case, call Doug from the LA office and set up a conference call with the partners there for this afternoon, and see that I have the notes for my next meeting immediately.”

Finn went to his desk to complete these tasks right away, but found himself glancing through the Solo file instead, and turned to his computer to do some research.  Far from the little family farm Finn had been picturing, Organa’s Organics had been in continuous operation since the 1970s in the Independence area of the Willamette Valley.  They had expanded cautiously over the years, and the caution had kept them afloat through economic downturns over the decades.  They had been perfectly placed and primed to profit from the organic craze that had started in the last 20 years in Oregon, and they sold to both local distributors and larger chains like Whole Foods.  They had been successful enough to give some of that back to the community, starting a program that worked with local schools, FFA chapters, and 4-H clubs to educate youth about agriculture in a hands-on manner.  Finn was delighted to see a picture of Poe with gloved hands, a sunny smile on his face as he helped a little kid pack dirt around some type of flower.  

As he kept reading, he began to feel more and more like he couldn’t stay in the First Order office for another minute. And so, for perhaps one of the first times in his life, Finn did something incredibly impulsive: he flicked through his computer files until he found what he wanted, uploaded it to a flash drive, pocketed it, and walked away from his desk without any intention of ever coming back.

On the street, Finn pulled out his phone again, wincing as he saw an increasingly desperate string of texts from Rey, and hurried to respond.

 **Rey:** What do you mean?

 **Rey:** Finn?

 **Rey:** Finn. You can’t say shit like that and then not answer your texts!

 **Rey:** FINN IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I’M FLYING TO OREGON TO KICK YOUR ASS AFTER I’VE HELPED YOU WITH YOUR “TROUBLE”.

 **Finn:** I’m okay!

 **Rey:** Explain yourself.

 **Finn:** Listen, no need to come to Oregon.  I may be moving back to New Mexico with you anyway.

 **Rey:** You quit the job! :D

 **Finn:** You should not sound so excited about that.

 **Rey:** Finn, that job was sucking out your soul.  Nothing about it was why you wanted to be a lawyer in the first place.  I’ve been telling you that since you accepted it!

 **Finn:** Do you REALLY have to take the time to say “I told you so” right now?

 **Rey:** Of course. *Does victory dance*

 **Rey:** Do you need help packing up?  I can still come to Oregon.

 **Finn:** No, I have some things I need to wrap up here first.  Do you know anything about farming?

 **Rey:** Do I, an Air Force pilot, know anything about farming?

 **Finn:** ...Point.

 **Rey:** Why do you need to know about farming?

 **Finn:** I might not.  I’ll catch you up on it later.

Finn quickly searched through his numbers for Poe.

 **Finn:** Do you happen to still be in town?

 **Poe:** Yeah, I needed to get some other errands done.  How’d it go with the ice queen?

 **Finn:** Tell you about it over lunch?  

Finn couldn’t really believe he’d typed that.  Seemed like today was a day for impulse decisions after all.

 **Poe:** Sure.  You know Maz’s in the Hollywood district?

 **Finn:** ...I know OF the Hollywood district.  

Poe sent him the address and Finn started making his way to the closest MAX stop.  

\----------

“So, you haven’t been to Maz’s in Hollywood, you must not be a Portland native, huh?”  Poe was looking at Finn, who was busy looking at, scratch that, staring at his surroundings. Maz's was decorated- uniquely, to say the least. Patterns clashed everywhere, as decorations from the world over shared shelf space. 

“Is this like Voodoo Donuts, one of those places you have to visit when you’re in Portland?” Finn said, avoiding the question.

“Sure, though Voodoo’s gone commercial, and I think Maz’s is still for natives at its heart.”  

Finn had noticed that a lot of Oregonians talked like that, like there was some type of hierarchy of Oregonian-ness that outsiders could never hope to scale.  Finn, a desert boy at heart, figured it must be why the hipsters loved it here.  Oregonians already had the 'We did this before it was cool' attitude before the hipsters even started to invade Portland.  Finn had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. “So, you’re a native then?”

“My mother and father immigrated from Guatemala as migrant workers.  I was born in Oregon, but I’ve lived in California, Idaho, Washington, and Arizona, following the picking seasons.  Believe me, Oregon’s the best.”

This time, Finn did roll his eyes, but in an endearing way, and with a chuckle.  “Listen, Mr. Dameron - “

“Call me Poe.”

“Listen, Poe.  I want to help you out.  With your case, I mean.  Or, your boss’s case.  I was just sitting there listening to Phasma drone on and on about how what First Order does is the right thing, and then I looked up Organa’s Organics and it looks like such a great place, I mean who doesn’t like organic produce here in Oregon, right?  And you guys do charity work and I really don’t think First Order has a way to take out Han Solo’s will, and you were planting flowers with children, and I was thinking about do I really want my life to be like this, and I copied the First Order files on this flash drive and I just walked out.”  Finn said all of this in a rush, excitedly, as he plunked the flash drive down on the cafe table.

Poe’s eyes widened. “You saw me planting flowers?” he said, then smiled at Finn's hint of a blush.  Finn swore he saw something warm in Poe’s eyes just then.

“Um, yeah, latch onto that one specific part of my verbal diarrhea, okay.” _Oh God, what would Rey be thinking right now?_ “More importantly, this is Ben Solo’s case.  The whole thing.  I want you to take that and use it and fight back and keep teaching kids about gardening…”

Poe’s hand reached out to cover Finn’s hand, which was still covering the flash drive.  Finn made a move to pull his hand away, but Poe simply pushed the flash drive back into Finn’s hand. “Buddy, I know you’re really excited right now, and maybe even riding a rebellion high, so I want you to think for a second.  You took privileged information off of a company computer at one of the best law firms in the country.  I’m sure you signed all sorts of non-disclosure agreements to even be working there.  If I use this information to help us win, I’m totally screwing you over.  They’ll sue you.  They’ll put you in jail.”

A pause.

“Ri---iiight.   Okay, so maybe I didn’t think the whole plan through.  I just knew that, for once in my life, I wanted to do the right thing.”

Poe’s smile was radiant, lighting up his whole face, and Finn had enough time to think, _oh, shit_ , again, before Poe was responding, “Well, I’m glad I could help be your way out.  I seriously doubt you’ve never done the right thing in your life, before, though.”

There it was again, a subtle probing into his background, and Finn wondered if Poe had ever held a job in law enforcement or the military before becoming a farmer, because damn, he was really good at making Finn want to talk. “Military school, graduated with a bunch of college credit so I got through my bachelor’s degree quickly, and then law school, which I’m on break from right now, to work at First Order and gain job experience… I feel like I haven’t actually had time to make a decision about doing the right or wrong thing in my life.” _And where did THAT come from, Finn_ , he thought to himself.  

He sighed. “Of course you’re right about the file.  I wanted to help you, but going to jail is not exactly included in my 5 year plan.”  He pulled the flash drive back and tucked it in his pocket.  “Listen,” he said, deflated now, “I should go.  I need to pack up my stuff, and talk to my landlord about ending my lease early, and --”

“Where are you going?” Poe asked, mild panic ringing in his voice, and he looked like he was as surprised to hear that panic as Finn was.

“I’m from New Mexico.  I’m just here for the summer and the job with First Order.  Can’t exactly afford the tiny craphole of an apartment I have right now for Portland prices without that job.”

Poe nodded, as if deciding something to himself.  “Listen, have you left Portland at all since coming here?”

“No.  It’s an overwhelming enough place to learn without adding in the suburbs and.. the rest.” Finn waved a hand in a vague direction.

“I think you should come visit Organa’s. Before you leave forever, I mean.  You can’t come to Oregon and never get out of Portland.  I mean, we have some great things here, but nothing beats the Valley in the summer.  And you could meet the people you helped.”

 _"T_ _ried_ to help. _Failed_ to _actually_ help,” Finn corrected.

“You helped.  Seriously, you did.  You threw Phasma off her game enough that I can see they have a weak case.  I’m guessing the key will be getting Leia and the bastard to talk.” Poe said the last part mostly to himself.  He refocused on Finn. “I’m hoping you haven’t bought tickets back to New Mexico since your flight from the First Order?”

“Not yet. I haven’t exactly had time to… process what I did.”  Finn panicked for a moment, but Poe saw it on his face and reached across the table again, this time placing his hand on Finn’s forearm.  Finn found himself amazingly steadied by the act.  “You’re not an axe murderer, right?  I mean, anyone who has pictures of themselves on the internet planting flowers with adorable children isn’t going to take me to some secluded rural area and murder me, right?”

Poe smiles. “C’mon, buddy. It’ll be an adventure!”

\------

Luckily, Poe had brought his old beat up pickup to the city, and he and Finn battled across Portland traffic to reach Finn’s apartment.  Finn left Poe idling in a no parking zone, ready to move if he saw a traffic cop, and dashed up to the tiny apartment, throwing his work clothing haphazardly into his suitcase and changing into something more casual for a trip to the farm.  At this thought, he snorted to himself. _How the hell did I end up here?_

He paused at the landlord’s apartment, discovering that she wasn’t home, and left a note for her about the situation, asking her to call him so they could sort out details.  Then he threw his suitcase in the back of the pickup and climbed back in the cab with Poe.  Within twenty minutes, they were leaving the confines of the urban landscape, then passing through the suburbs, until finally they broke through to the countryside.  The man beside him visibly relaxed, rolling down a window and taking a deep breath.  As for himself, Finn was fascinated with the countryside rolling by.  He knew Oregon had a reputation for being green, and maybe it was just that his eyes were used to sand and cacti, but the emerald fields that stretched for miles and the towering trees, and even the damned air smelling green were all overwhelming his senses.  

“I never knew there was so much green in the world,” he said, even though he knew it made him sound naive.

Thinking of New Mexico made him think of Rey, and he pulled out his phone to text her even as Poe’s chuckle filled the cab and Finn’s heart began to soar.

 **Finn:** Hey - so just in case I go missing.  Long story and I promise we can FaceTime later, but I’m headed to a farm outside of Portland called Organa’s Organics.  If you don’t hear from me later tonight, please come rescue me, Air Force Princess.

 **Rey:** Does this have to do with a guy?

Since Rey was basically his sister, Finn knew he didn’t have to play it cool with her.

 **Finn:** Yes, kind of.  I mean, yes there’s a guy, but this also has to do with work and helping someone in need out.  You’d be proud of me.

 **Rey:** Always.  Except when you’re being a bonehead.  Tell me about this guy.

Instead of describing him, Finn surreptitiously snapped a picture of Poe in the driver’s seat and sent it.

 **Rey:** Damn.  Is that a COWBOY HAT? How did you manage to find a cowboy in Oregon?

 **Finn:** Farmer.  Organic farmer.

 **Rey:** Oh, right.  How very Oregon.  Does he line dance like the boys you fall for at home?

Poe’s voice interrupted Finn’s response to Rey. “We’re coming up on the farm.” The truck slowed down.  “This section here is the Solo part - the hops farm and brewery.” Poe pointed to fields with large wooden poles and wire hung between them like clotheslines.  The whole thing was covered in green vines.  Poe turned onto a well kept gravel road. “This is the Organa property.  Leia’s an original hippie.  When she started this place back in the ‘70s, she was adamant that everything remain in her name and under her power.  She loved Mr. Solo, but she is definitely her own woman.”

They passed through fields of various colors, and Finn could see some greenhouses in the distance.  They finally reached a crowded parking lot, Finn goggling at the amount of people milling about the farm. “Popular place,” he stammered.

A look of pride showed on Poe’s face. “Yeah.  Tuesday’s market day. The only day we sell to the public.  We used to have to seek out customers at various farmer’s markets, but now they seek us out.  It’s a nice position to be in.”

Finn and Poe hopped down from the pickup,  and Finn followed Poe to a large building with a concentration of people.  

“Poe!  Thank the stars you’re back.  We need some more heirloom tomatoes from Greenhouse A, and everyone’s been slammed all morning,” called an older woman with elegant silver hair and a harried look on her face.

“Right away, General!” Poe gave the woman an astonishingly accurate and snappy salute, and grabbed Finn’s hand to pull him in a different direction. The woman, whom Finn presumed was Leia Organa, just rolled her eyes. “Well, we get to jump right in! Follow me.”  

Finn didn’t get the chance to point out that Poe was basically dragging him, so he didn’t really have a choice but tag along. He narrowly avoided stepping in something suspiciously brown and was happy he had had the foresight to change into sneakers.

“Greenhouse A,” Poe said, somewhat unnecessarily since the greenhouse was marked with the letter.  They walked in, and poor desert boy Finn, used to dry heat, was immediately struck by the humidity.  Poe called out to various workers in different languages as they passed rapidly by on their mission.  They wove through rows, reminding Finn of the labyrinthine First Order hallways, but so, _so_ much better.  They finally came to a stop, and Poe started holding out a box of strange looking tomatoes for Finn. “You don’t mind, right, buddy?”

“No, of course not, load me up.” Finn took one box, and Poe eyed him speculatively, reaching out to squeeze Finn’s bicep before either of them knew what he was doing.

“Looks like you can take more,” was all Poe said, in a slightly embarrassed tone, before piling another one on Finn’s stack and taking two himself.  “All good?”  Finn nodded, swallowing.

They hauled the tomatoes back to the market building, where Leia was directing customers and farm workers like, well, a general.

“Leia, this is Finn.”

Finn proffered a hand, and was not surprised to receive a firm shake in return. “Finn Smith.  Hi,” he finished, weakly.

Leia eyed both Poe and Finn, raising an inquiring eyebrow.  “Hi, Finn.  Glad to have you at the farm.  Are you here to help us out today?”

“Uh…” Finn stuttered, but Poe came to his rescue.

“Long story for later, but yeah, put us to work.”

With that, the afternoon flew by as Finn followed Poe around on his various missions for the Gen-- _I mean_ Leia, Finn corrected himself.

\------------

It turned out that market day on the farm was followed by an employee potluck in the evening.  Finn met enough people that he was fairly sure he would never be able to remember their names, and tried to ignore the increasing amount of people who were raising an eyebrow speculatively at he and Poe.  Finn sent off a text to Rey, promising to talk later but assuring her that he was alright.  He and Poe even had a chance to sit down with Leia and explain what had happened in the city that morning. Leia went back to the main house after that, claiming the whole Ben thing was giving her a headache.  

Finn and Poe watched Leia’s retreating figure in silence, and Finn found himself gazing up at the clear night sky.

“Beautiful, right?”  Poe took in a deep breath, like he was still trying to get city air out of his lungs.  

Finn smirked. “Oregon doesn’t have a monopoly on the night sky, you know.  You should see the Milky Way out in the New Mexican desert sometime.”

Poe wrinkled his nose, which crinkled his eyes, and _oh God, I'm in trouble…_ “But then you have to put up with the heat.  And everything being brown.”  Poe shuddered theatrically and then made a gesture as if he was putting the whole subject aside.  “Nevermind that.  Want me to walk you home?”

Finn laughed.  “What home?”

Poe managed to look a little embarrassed, but recovered.  “I meant, where you’re bunking tonight.  I mean, unless you want me to drive you into town for a hotel room.”

“Probably best to save as much money as I can, grad student and all.”

They got up from the picnic table, Poe indicating a gravel path and Finn grabbing his suitcase.  A light breeze was winding through the fields, and Finn shivered a little in his t-shirt.  Poe looked concerned and shrugged off his leather jacket. “Here, take this, desert boy.  We’ve got a little ways to walk and I don’t want you to be cold.”

Finn tried to protest, but Poe was very sweetly insistent, and then Finn was wearing the jacket which smelled of earth, and leather, and something else that must be Poe.  Finn exhaled, deeply affected by the gesture.  He reached out for Poe’s hand before he could think better of it, and Poe latched on before Finn could change his mind.

Suddenly Finn was being dragged to a huge old tree.  He could feel the trunk pressing against his back. “Poe!” he let out in a soft exclamation.

“I want to kiss you, Finn Smith.” Finn could see determination in his eyes, but he could also see a vulnerability, like Poe was waiting for inevitable rejection, and that decided it for Finn.

“I want to kiss you, Poe Dameron.”  

And then they were exchanging the sweetest first kiss Finn had ever experienced, like Poe knew exactly what Finn wanted. Their lips parted, and they stared into each others eyes as if the answers to everything could be found there.

Maybe, after a day of surprising himself, Finn shouldn’t have been surprised by what he did next, but both he and Poe _were_ surprised when Finn, well, he _growled_ , and buried his fingers in Poe’s curly hair like he had been wanting to do all day, knocking the cowboy hat to the ground.  Poe’s eyes closed in bliss, and Finn got the notion to tug the hair lightly, waiting for a reaction.  Poe’s eyes popped open and _he_ growled, taking Finn’s lips in a second kiss that left them panting.  Poe rested his forehead on Finn’s, trying to get his breath back as Finn slumped further back into the tree.

“What… what is this?” Finn said, looking into Poe’s eyes.  “We met, like, 12 hours ago.”

“I don’t know, baby,” and Finn’s heart soared, _soared_ at the endearment. “But we can slow down, if you want.”  Poe backed up and Finn’s hands fell to his sides, feeling useless now that they weren’t doing the one thing they wanted to be doing, _touching Poe_. Finn made a whimpering sound, and Poe looked like he wanted to do the same, drinking in the image of Finn, leaning vulnerable against the tree with kiss-bruised lips and hooded eyes. He made a move like he was going to dive right back in, but instead, he held out both hands to Finn to pull him off the tree. “Let me show you where you’re sleeping.”  Poe picked up his hat and Finn’s suitcase, tucking one of his hands firmly in Finn’s.

They reached a small house, a cottage, Finn supposed.  “I know it’s not big, but there’s actually two bedrooms.  They’re both about the size of broom closets.” Poe looked apologetic and Finn tried to make a reassuring sound. “The glamorous life of the farm manager.”

Poe dropped Finn’s suitcase off in the guest bedroom and gave the younger man a quick tour.  “Can I get you anything before bed?”

A million answers went through Finn’s mind, each naughtier than the last, and something must have shown on his face, because Poe laughed and _there was that damn soaring heart again._ Finn smiled, then remembered that he was still wearing Poe’s jacket.  He made a move to take it off, but Poe put his hands on his shoulders to stop him.

“No, keep it. It suits you, and I have others.”  Poe bit his lip as if deciding on something, then leaned in to kiss Finn’s cheek.


	2. Traitor(s) - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our boys continue to have a rough first 24 hours, and there is a lot of angst. AND BB8 IS A HORSE. Lawstudent!Finn and farmer!Poe. 
> 
> Tags specific to this chapter: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, mention of 9/11, Afghan war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original chapter notes: I am neither a farmer or a lawyer, so if I get any details wrong, sorry!  
> Ben/Poe are developing a kind of reverse Darcy/Wickham rivalry in my mind, or maybe what Pride and Prejudice would have been like if Wickham’s stories of Darcy being jealous had actually been true.

When Finn awoke the next morning, Poe had already left the cottage, a fact which Finn used to poke around Poe’s place a bit.  As a future lawyer, he justified this by telling himself he was just double checking that Poe wasn’t an axe murderer. What he found was a surprising lack of personal items.  He inspected a framed photograph of what must be a tiny Poe (the curls being a dead giveaway) between two adults, smiling happily but looking worn down.  The background was rural but not like Organa's, and Finn remembered with a flash that Poe had told him about moving a lot as a kid.  He also found a guitar case sitting next to the beat up couch, and damn if _that_ didn’t just pique his interest in Poe more. _Sweet, sexy, and a musician?  Give me a fucking break_.

In the kitchen, Finn saw that Poe left him a note and a granola bar.

_**Finn - sorry, this is what I normally grab before heading out in the morning.  But feel free to poke through my cupboards if this isn’t enough. - Poe** _

_Considerate, too, but I knew that already._ Finn dashed off a quick text to Rey.

 **Finn:** Still alive.  No need to send in the cavalry. So, the guy? His name is Poe.  And I’ve yet to find a sign he’s not fucking perfect.

 **Rey:** Star eyes already?  Be careful, trooper.

       Finn knew Rey used the old nickname from military school to soften the blow of her concern.

 **Finn:** I’ll be fine.

Finn heard a noise out front and grabbed the granola bar, heading outside. He was definitely not prepared for the sight that greeted him: a fresh, happy Poe seated atop a horse with white and brown markings and a black and white mane. An incredibly indecent picture of a fresh, happy Poe seated atop Finn flashed through his mind, and he was glad the bright sun hid his blush.

“Hey! Good morning, buddy!” called Poe, climbing down.

 _Back to buddy,_ thought Finn, _Poe really did slow down_.  “Hey,” he said, somewhat awkward, and shifting in his space.  He searched his mind for something brilliant to say. “What a gorgeous horse.” _Nice._

Poe looked admiringly at the horse, and Finn thought he might melt a little.  “BB-8?  Yeah, she’s gorgeous.  Aren’t you?” Poe said in that voice people reserve for babies and cute animals as he patted BB-8’s nose.  Turning back to Finn, Poe handed him a baby carrot, saying, “You want to make friends for life? Give her this.”

Nervously, Finn held out the carrot toward the horse’s mouth. “Hi, B--- BB-8, I’m Finn.”  The horse snorted happily and snuffled up the carrot from Finn’s palm, tickling Finn and causing him to snort.  Poe laughed and Finn tried to cover up the snort with a cough and a subject change.

“Why BB-8? That seems like a weird name for a horse?”

“Well,” Poe started, continuing to pat BB-8 affectionately, “technically she’s Beatrice Belle the 8th.  She’s got one of those fancy thoroughbred names that no one ever actually says out loud.  But she never was quite fast enough for racing, so we rescued her from an unhappy future and called her BB-8.  We’ve got quite a few rescues here at Organa’s.  Rescues, strays, rebels without causes.” Poe seemed to direct the last part at Finn, who grinned.

“Hey, I had plenty of cause to leave First Order.  That’s not the kind of lawyer I want to be.” The statement made him pause and reassess. “That’s not the kind of person I want to be.”

“You don’t want to be a lawyer anymore?” Poe lifted his eyebrows, clearly surprised.

“I don’t know.” Finn scuffled his foot through the dirt, kicking at nothing.  “It’s just, last night, I was thinking about what I told you at Maz’s. I feel like I haven’t had a chance to really sit down and think about what I want to do.  It’s just been a steady process - step A, step B, step C.  No stopping this rolling train that is my life.”

“Christ, sometimes you make me feel really old.” Poe rubbed a hand on his neck, and Finn worried even further about this new slowness and distance between them.  “When does school start again?”

“About two and a half months. End of August.”

“Well, then, let me amend what I said previously.  Here at Organa’s, we’ve got rescues, strays, rebels without causes, and _quarter-life crisis-havers_.  You’re welcome to stay if you agree to pull your weight around the farm.”

 _Or maybe it’s not all bad news._ “I could do that.  I could definitely do that.”

“Great, I’ll start by giving you a tour of the farm.  I know you saw some yesterday, but with the amount of running around we did, I doubt you got a great idea of what we look like.”

“Sure.” Finn glanced nervously at BB-8.  “Are we, um, are we going to ride her?”

Poe shook his head. “No, we’d be too heavy together.  I’m getting from the hesitation in your voice that you don’t ride?” A head shake from Finn. “I didn’t think so.  We can take the Gator around instead.  Let me just put BB in the pasture.”  Poe grabbed BB-8’s reins and led her through a gate, then unsaddled her, gave her a quick wipedown and let her free to munch the grass.  Finn happily watched Poe do his work while munching on his own granola bar.

“Okay, let’s get the lay of the land,” Poe said, grabbing ahold of Finn’s hand and causing Finn’s heart to skip a beat.

Still, Finn hesitated. “Wait, how old are you?”

\-------------

The tour took most of the morning, as Finn remet the workers he had been introduced to at the potluck the night before. Now, Poe was introducing him as a new summer hand, but Finn noticed that that didn’t stop the speculation in their eyes.  Towards noon, Poe pulled the 4-wheeler up a row of a purple plants, _lavender, Poe had called them,_ and the hops field that Finn had seen the day before.  In the distance, he could see what must be the brewery, doors and windows shuttered.

“This is the edge of the Organa property.  A few years ago, we would have been able to cross this border, and both farms shared workers.  Organic was Leia’s dream, the brewery was Mr. Solo’s, and while they had a strange partnership, they loved each other and it worked.  It really did work.  Mr. Solo’s greatest dream was for his son to continue, expand the brewery, really make it something spectacular for the area.  Nothing’s hotter in Oregon than microbrew.   _Organic_ microbrew? Seemed ideal. But now Ben wants to sell to a mega-farm, and it’ll be like losing the protection of a friendly neighbor.” Poe’s sigh was heavy.

“Not to mention losing a legacy,” Finn added quietly.

“That’s what Mr. Solo wanted, his legacy to live on.”

“Do you know him?  Ben-the-bastard?”

“Yeah. My parents worked Organa’s for most of the spring/summer fruit harvest season, so Ben and I spent a lot of free summer time together around this place.  You know how teens rebel against conservative parents by getting piercings and dying their hair black and dating the most likely person to piss them off?  It’s like Ben’s the opposite.  Raised by hippies, so he was a Future Business Leader of America, wore pressed slacks to school and carried a briefcase for God’s sake.  Started going to Pastor Snoke’s church in high school.  When she found out, I thought Leia was going to die of embarrassment.  She’s not really one for organized religion.  More like “being one with the universe” and “feeling the universe flow in and out of you.” God love her.  And yes, I’m aware of the irony of that little statement, but my own mama raised me Catholic. She was always convinced the Church would come around on homosexuality. Too bad she didn't live to see Pope Francis.” Poe hopped out of the Gator to inspect a stalk of lavender and idly pull a weed.

“Snoke put a lot of ideas in his head about how he couldn’t be friends with a homo.  Ben came back to the farm one Sunday with a “Yes on 9” sticker and that was really the end of our friendship.  I haven’t actually talked to him in years.”

“Yes on 9?”

Poe waved a hand away.  “Forgot.  Not from here.  Measure 9 was a bill that would have forbidden public schools from talking about homosexuality, at all.  Anyway, it wasn’t just that.  This whole thing with the brewery.  Here’s something his father built up over the years, land yes, but a legacy.  My parents left nothing when they passed, except me and memories.  And I was grateful for that.  I -” Poe hesitated, looking at Finn as he climbed back in the gator.  “I wish I had something like that to hold onto, to keep building, from them.  Instead I’ll probably end up like Mr. Solo. My legacy will be planting seeds in gardens I’ll never get to see.” Poe’s face was so serious, and Finn’s heart had been so caught up in the story of his parents,  that at first Finn didn’t quite catch the line.

“ ** _Poe Dameron._**  Did you seriously just try to pass off a line from _Hamilton_ as one of your own?” Finn’s arms had actually crossed over his chest involuntarily and he huffed.

Poe’s face remained serious for about five more seconds, before the smile broke and he burst out laughing.  “You should see your face right now.” Poe mockingly crossed his arms over his chest, too. “Grr, I’m Finn.” Finn raised an eyebrow, then shoulder checked him in the seat of the Gator. “Ohhh, ah, okay, okay.  Yes, I was hoping I was smooth enough to get that by you.  But I can see that I’ll have to plagiarize something different to impress you.  Besides, it’s kind of a requirement for me to love Lin-Manuel Miranda.  We sons of immigrants have to stick together.”  

Finn noticed there was a certain heat in Poe’s eyes as he looked at Finn’s crossed arms. _Okay, am I dreaming or does he have a thing for my arms?_ Finn subconsciously flexed his biceps, and Poe’s eyes met his, twinkling.

“Tease,” Poe accused without heat.

 _Okay, mark that down for “Yes.”_  

\-------------

Lunch consisted of slapped-together meat sandwiches back at the cottage.  Finn enjoyed moving around Poe in the kitchen like they were choreographed dancers, except sometimes when he zigged, he swore Poe intentionally zagged and ‘accidentally’ crowded his space.  The man was confusing, for sure.  Distant this morning but getting closer and closer again as the day went on.   _Is he waiting for me to make a move?_

After lunch, Poe put Finn to work in the market building, cleaning up the previous day’s mess and getting it ready for next week.  A graduate of a military boarding school, Finn was used to using his body, but it was more in the form of drills and marches.  Now, as he and two other members of the team moved around the building carting bins and breaking down boxes, Finn realized he was having fun working up a sweat, because the work had a point.  It wasn’t just the same mind numbing set of exercises over and over again.  And, he got to chat with his companions, Snap and Elisa.  He tried to pull information about Poe subtly out of them, but he was just not as good at that trick as Poe himself, and they teased him mercilessly.   _The problem with training to be a lawyer,_ he thought, _is that they teach you to ask direct questions, not subtle ones._ Still, it was good to have new people to interact with, and they welcomed him.  

He was having such a good time in the market building that he almost didn’t notice the car pull up outside, but he did hear Poe’s voice shout for Leia.  Curious, he poked his head out to see a fancy black sedan sitting in the parking lot.  The driver’s side door opened to reveal the receptionist from First Order.   _Uh oh._ Finn walked out of the building to confront the young woman.  Out of the corner of his eye, he also saw Poe and Leia walking briskly to the car.

“Cindy.  How’d you get out of the office?  I thought you were chained to that desk.”

“Promotion. Seems like there was a job opening further up. _Traitor_.”

Beside him, Finn felt Poe tense, as if for action.  Finn put his hand on Poe’s arm to calm him without even realizing he was doing it. “What did they send you to say, Cindy?”

Cindy handed over the file folder she had been carrying to Finn.  “Your … _clients_ … have three days to accept this offer.  If they don’t, the sale goes forward.  You can see us in court.”  Before Finn could respond, she was back in the car and driving away, kicking up a cloud of dust in their faces.

Finn opened the folder, concentrating.  

“Maybe we should have a meeting in the main house,” Leia suggested, and they all started moving that direction.

It took little time for Finn to figure out the legalese in the documents Cindy had handed him. _Top of my class,_ Finn thought acerbically.  Leia had led them to the kitchen table, and now Finn faced the two others and explained as best he could. “So basically, this is a bluff and a scare tactic.  They want you to agree to a settlement to allow Ben to break the rules of the will.  I’m guessing they didn’t figure on me being here, being able to interpret this for you.”  Leia and Poe looked relieved, and Finn hesitated before going on, not wanting to break that momentary happiness. “If you refuse, the sale can’t go through without a legal battle in court.  That could take years, Leia, and it will certainly take money.  First Order never gives up.  They will just keep fighting and appealing.  When everything’s done, even if you win, you might not have enough to keep both places open.  If you lose, you might lose Organa’s Organics along with the brewery.”  Finn pushed the folder of papers toward Leia, and Poe reached out to grab his hand.

“What can we do, Finn?”  

Finn hated that Poe was asking him, a mere law student, so earnestly. “Honestly?  You guys need to get a lawyer.  A good one.  One that’s actually finished law school.”  Finn blew out a frustrated breath.  “I mean, I certainly can’t represent you in court, I haven’t even taken the bar.  I don’t even know if I _want to be_ a lawyer right now.”

A hesitant Leia. “Do you...do you happen to know anyone who could?”

“Actually...I might know someone.  She’s from Sante Fe, but she hates First Order so she might just fly out to wrangle with this. Jessika Pava. Jess. I knew her when I was an undergrad.  Let me make some phone calls.”

Both Leia and Poe smiled, now, and Poe raised Finn’s captured hand to give it a kiss.  Finn smiled back.

As Finn turned away to start the calls, he swore he heard Leia say, “Get your head out of your ass, boy.  When you know it, you know it.”

\-------------

At dinner, Snap brought in tacos from town, and the three men ate outside the cottage in the nice June air.  Snap and Finn found they had a mutual admiration for baseball, except Snap was a Mariners fan and Finn was a Diamondbacks fan and so they had to argue good naturedly about the season.  For the most part, Poe stayed quiet.  It wasn’t like Finn had known him long enough to know whether that was normal, but it still felt like something was off.  Poe was being distant again, and even though Finn knew in his brain that it was probably best to take it slow, his heart just wanted him to jump the guy.

When Snap left, Poe also stood, saying, “I’m going to take a shower, then head to bed.  More farm life tomorrow.”

“Poe,” Finn called, rising from the ground. “I know… I know we said last night to take it slow, but...have I done something wrong?” Finn’s hands twisted together vulnerably.

“Oh, Finn. No. God, you’re awesome.” Poe rubbed his neck. “It’s fast, and you’re young, and…” He trailed off, leaving Finn thinking he didn’t really have a good third reason.

Carefully and steadily, eyes never leaving Poe’s, Finn walked to the older man until he was as close as they’d been last night. “Slow doesn’t mean stop.  And I’m not really that young.  And…?” The question hung in the air, and Finn decided he didn’t want to leave the opening.  He gathered Poe’s hands and leaned in, hoping Poe would meet him halfway.  He didn’t have to wait long, as Poe’s mouth crashed into his, making a sound of desperation in his throat. _Victory!_ Finn thought, but apparently prematurely, as Poe pulled away.

He had a smile on his face though, as he said, “Goodnight babe,” and walked to the bathroom.

 _Jesus Christ, where does the man get his patience? I need help._ As if reading his mind, a message from Rey dinged on his phone.

 **Rey:** What is it about Oregon?  Now Jess is headed there too?  Am I going to have to come out there?

 **Finn:** She’s not headed out until later in the month. Hey, you’re an independent lady… If you’re feeling the call to follow a certain someone…

 **Rey:** Shut it.  Get anywhere with YOUR love life, mister?

 **Finn:** I think it would be appropriate to just send you the video for Hot ‘N Cold.

 **Rey:** Ouch.  Hang in there.  You’re coming back to me in August, right?

      Finn’s fingers automatically typed out the answer, but his heart was holding him back from hitting send.

 **Finn:** Right.

\-------------

It was after midnight when Finn woke and heard the soft music coming from the cottage’s tiny living/dining room.  Forever a desert child, and cold, he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and walked out to the sounds.

Poe was seated on the couch, head down the way Finn had first seen him in the waiting room, but this time hunched over an acoustic guitar, picking out a melody and humming.  Finn wasn’t sure if Poe would have ever noticed him if he hadn’t accidentally stubbed his toe in the soft light. “Damn.”  And Poe snapped his head up and Finn saw that Poe had unfallen tears glistening in his eyes.  Finn took a sudden inward breath.  “Poe?” He calmly walked over to sit by the man, because he had an instinct that calmness was needed right now.  “Keep playing.  I like listening.”

Finn leaned into Poe’s side, seeking the warmth, and after a moment’s hesitation, Poe continued the song.  It was nothing Finn recognized; it might not have even been something Poe recognized.  Slowly, Finn felt Poe’s breaths start to coincide with his, felt the older man relaxing into his side, too.  When Poe set the guitar aside, Finn wrapped his arms around him and pulled him down to lie together, face to face. “Can you tell me about it?”  Finn brushed one hand through Poe’s curls as Poe contemplated the question.

“I’ve got a lot of baggage.  That’s what I didn’t say earlier.”

Finn felt like maybe he could have said a lot of things, but he didn’t.

“I didn’t protect you today.”

Whatever Finn had been expecting, this wasn’t it, and he quirked an eyebrow, waiting.

“That... _woman…_ ” Poe sounded like he wanted to call her something else. “...she called you a traitor, and I didn’t protect you.”  Finn reached out to touch Poe’s cheek.  “And that’s what I mean by baggage.  Because it probably wasn’t that big of a deal to you, but that word...holds a lot of power over me. You went to a military school so I’m sure you dealt with some of the same crap I dealt with for being gay.  But even 9 years later makes a big difference, I think.  I went to a bunch of different high schools, being the kid of migrant workers. All in rural towns, where they may not beat you up anymore but they’d like it if you just kept your lifestyle to yourself.  I barely graduated and it seemed like my options were either work the fields with my parents or join the military.  Then, 9/11 happened and that decided it for me.  As soon as I graduated, I was off to basic training.  This was in the time of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, mind, so I was jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Even though my grades sucked, my test scores showed an aptitude for charisma, and I was trained to go under deep cover.”

“Like James Bond?” Finn asked, hoping to pull a smile out of Poe, and succeeding.

“Heh.  Not quite.  More like, I developed relationships with villagers and sought intel.  I was really good at it, but I have to say, I fucking hate the desert.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not offended.”

“It’s so hard to deny a huge part of your life, especially in war, when there’s this urgency to…” He faltered for the first time. “to find someone you can hold onto, and hold on tight, because tomorrow you might get taken out, or get your cover blown.  I knew a few others like me, and everyone had heard the rumors of discharges for homosexual behavior, but I was young, younger than you, and thought maybe I could get away with it.  I was glad to be helping my country, yeah?  I was a really good little soldier boy.” Finn squeezed him.  “But, we got caught.  I don’t think it was my fellow squadron members that turned me in.  Hell, you’ve met Snap.  I don’t think he would do it.  But somehow they found out, and there I am, being sent home with a “less than honorable” discharge.  And people wondered why I got it, and they speculated that I had done something cowardly or betrayed the country…” He let Finn make the connection back to the word traitor.  “And it’s not like I can just go around hitting city chicks, people kind of frown on that, so I just felt...useless."

 

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe even more, trying to envelope him as much as possible, and rooted his head under Poe’s until they were lying cheek to cheek, and Finn could whisper directly in his ear. “Poe. I’m so fucking proud of you.”  Finn placed a kiss on Poe’s neck.  Poe’s breath hitched and Finn felt a single drop hit his face as Poe released the only tear he would let go. “Poe. You’re not useless.” Kiss.  “You didn’t betray your country.” Kiss. “ And you.” Kiss.  “You are fucking amazing.” As Finn leaned in to place the last kiss, Poe readjusted so their lips were sliding together instead. Finn moved a hand down to link with one of Poe’s, and closed his eyes.  He waited to hear the slow breaths of a sleeping Poe, then followed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original end notes: I probably won't ever get into it in a fic, but my head canon for why Poe calls Leia by her name (or "The General") and Han by "Mr. Solo" is that Poe's father always taught him that the boss man deserves the respect of a title. Poe's mother tended to glare at his father when he said this type of thing, but it stuck with Poe.
> 
> Since I never actually say in the fic, Poe is 32 and Finn is 23.
> 
> John Boyega has beautiful arms. Kudos to tumblr for many inspiring gif sets.


	3. You Don't Kiss the Rescues - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared as chapter 26 of Out of Time
> 
> Original notes:   
> Redlipstick requested: POV - write a scene you’ve written from another character’s POV.  
> Because I just slipped over 400 followers, I’m going to go back to the beginning. Specifically, the second fic I ever wrote, for the Organa’s Organics au, Traitor(s). It’s in Finn’s POV, the morning after he meets Poe (and the morning after their first kiss). I wonder what Poe was thinking about that?

_ You don’t kiss the rescues, Poe. _

Poe hesitated at the door to his guest room - guest closet, more like. No sounds from the other side, though that made sense, what with the big day Finn had had before.  _ You know, leaving First Order and his life behind, coming to the farm, getting kissed senseless by me… _

Poe’s fingers drifted over his lips, thinking of the softness of Finn’s. God, pressing him against that tree had been…damn near perfect.  _ Near? Try perfect. _ The way Finn’s body fit against his, like they were made for each other, and-

_Dammit, Poe, this is why you don’t_ ** _kiss_** _the rescues._

He left a note for Finn on the counter, grabbed a granola bar, an apple, and his hat. He had a farm to manage. Not a gorgeous too-young-for-him smart-as-fuck law student to think about. Nope. That’s totally not what he was doing. He took a healthy bite from the apple.

He adjusted his hat on his head and found BB in her field. “Hey, beautiful,” he murmured as she trotted up to greet him. He offered her the apple and she nickered happily as she began to devour the fruit - not Organa grown, theirs wouldn’t come in for another three months or so. And with that thought, his mind was off, thinking about the duties he needed to cover that day, the fields he needed to visit, the phone calls he needed to make. And at no point in time did his mind slip back to what a certain person currently sleeping in his guest bed might look like curled up next to him. Nope.

He saddled BB, and swung up onto her, leaning over to nose at her mane, and give her a kiss, because apparently he  _ did _ kiss the rescues.

He checked the progress on the east fields; the hands were making steady work of the weeds there. He dropped by the main house to chat with Leia, ask her opinion on sunflowers for one of the fields. He noted that the Market Barn still needed cleaning, and radioed Snap about it. Checking his watch, he figured it was about time to head back to the cottage and check on Finn.

Finn, looking fresh from sleep and in casual clothes, just about stopped Poe’s heart.  _ You  _ **_don’t_ ** _ kiss the rescues, Poe. No. Stop what you’re thinking right now. _

“Hey! Good morning, buddy!” he tried instead, infusing his voice with false enthusiasm as he dismounted BB.

Finn’s brow furrowed slightly, and he looked embarrassed. “Hey,” he said, voice sounding slightly deeper in the morning, making Poe want to melt into him. Already he could feel himself be drawn in. “What a gorgeous horse.”

_ Right. Horse. Good neutral subject.  _ “BB-8?  Yeah, she’s gorgeous.  Aren’t you?” He laughed when BB nosed at his pocket. Turning back to Finn, Poe handed him a baby carrot from his pocket. “You want to make friends for life? Give her this.”

Poe watched as Finn nervously, but damn endearingly, held the carrot out to BB-8.” Hi B— BB-8, I’m Finn.”  Finn snorted when BB tickled his palm, searching for more treats, and Poe’s heart did a fast flipping tumble in his chest. _ Fuck.  _ **_You_ ** _ don’t kiss the rescues. Don’t even think about it, Poe. _

“Why BB-8? That seems like a weird name for a horse?”

“Well,” Poe started, trying to get his mind back on track, “technically she’s Beatrice Belle the 8th.  She’s got one of those fancy thoroughbred names that no one ever actually says out loud.  But she never was quite fast enough for racing, so we rescued her from an unhappy future and called her BB-8.  We’ve got quite a few rescues here at Organa’s.  Rescues, strays, rebels without causes.” Poe chewed his lip, eyeing Finn speculatively.  _ You don’t kiss the  _ **_rescues._ ** _ But rebels without causes? Who doesn’t want to kiss a rebel? _


	4. A Good Old Fashioned Barn Party - Rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rated E - Smut within
> 
> Life on Organa’s Organics has settled into routine for Finn.
> 
> Chapter specific tags: Ben Solo, Dancing, Oral Sex, Homophobic slur (f-g)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, the first smut scene I ever wrote, is the first thing in Organa's to receive heavy editing on this repost. Like, I changed the tone and actions fairly heavily. If you'd like to read how it read originally, it's still available on this fic's first posting. :)

Life on the farm fell into a pleasant routine for Finn.  He truly enjoyed the labor, whether it was serving customers on market day, harvesting raspberries, or getting down on his hands and knees to weed long rows of vegetables.  There was something about tending to the plants in the earth that Finn cherished in a way he had nothing before.  He enjoyed the feeling of helping life along.  He especially loved when Poe accompanied him, and Finn learned the names for things that he had previously called “plant” or “tree” or “flower.”  If Finn was lucky, the lessons involved being pushed against an  _ oak  _ or a  _ maple _ , Poe making sure Finn got an up close and  _ personal experience  _ with the greenery.  To Finn’s delight, Poe seemed to have dropped the notion that he was too old for him, except to make light of the age difference.

Jessika Pava conferenced with Leia over Skype and advised her not to accept the deal, and that “Together we’re going to kick First Order ass.” Jess’s plan centered heavily on getting a face-to-face with Ben Solo, which Finn knew Leia didn’t think was likely.  But for the moment, at least the farm didn’t seem like it was on the edge of closure because of Ben’s plan.

Evenings at the farm brought simple meals and conversation, sometimes with Snap or Leia.  Most of the other hands seemed to be leaving Finn and Poe alone to their own little new relationship bliss bubble.  Honestly, Finn was pretty sure the only reason Snap invited himself over was to act as protection for Poe.  Finn couldn’t blame him, even if the chaperone was irritating.  For her part, Leia seemed happy to leave them mostly to themselves, discussing business with Poe quickly and efficiently before wishing “her boys” goodnight.  Finn wanted to be embarrassed by the name, but every time she said it, he felt warmth bloom inside him.

One such night toward the end of June, after Poe returned from walking Leia home -  _ “Of course she’s capable, but there are a lot of things to trip over between our places.”  _ \- he pulled Finn off the couch.  “Sorry Rey, he’ll have to call you back later,” Poe said to Finn’s phone and maneuvered Finn into a kiss. It was deep, and affecting, the intent behind it clear.  


“My eyes!” screamed Rey from the phone before disconnecting swiftly.

Poe broke the kiss, his lips still a hair's breadth from Finn's. "Mission accomplished," he murmured. "Let's take a walk?" 

Finn tossed his phone to the couch without another thought - Poe and Rey had actually had bonded over the last month over their shared military experience. She wasn't really offended. He looked into Poe's eyes, still a little dazed from the intense kiss, and nodded.  


There was a quiet buzzing physical _something_ between them as they walked slowly through the fields, admiring each other as much as the stars. It crept under Finn's skin, and he could feel it through their joined hands coming from Poe, too. They'd had the testing talk a few days before, and since then, Finn could feel the knowledge that this was coming, that this was where they were headed, hanging between them. Lost in thought, Finn realized that they'd stopped meandering and were heading to a small copse of trees.

“I’ve never been to this part of the farm before,” Finn whispered, excitement sizzling through him.  


“Family secret,” Poe whispered back conspiratorially.

Concealed among the trees was an old park bench painted a myriad of colors in fading paint, colors overlapping and peeling through obvious years of use.  “Organa’s Organics very own make-out point," Poe murmured. "You don’t want to know what’s gone down here. Actually,  _ I  _ don’t really want to know what’s gone down here." He indicated a carving on the bench. 

Finn peered through the dim light and saw a heart surrounding the initials 'LO + HS'. “Aww, that’s sweet.”

Poe tipped Finn’s chin back up so he could look Finn in the eyes.  “You’re sweet.”

Finn lost himself in the dark warmth of Poe's eyes as he circled his arms around Poe’s neck. “Well we better make sure make out point lives up to its name.”

“Yeah, wouldn't want to jinx it.” Poe's lip twitched up in a small smile.  


“Seriously, this is a matter of kiss or death.”

“Well then, by all means…” Poe closed the distance between them, and Finn sighed.  _ Finally.  _ Poe’s lips meandered, sucking lightly under his ear. Finn shuddered and wrapped Poe’s head closer. Poe groaned in response, looking up and over at one of Finn's arms. “Can I admit something?” He whispered in Finn’s ear.

“Of course,” Finn sighed.

“I think I've developed a kink specifically for your arms, and how you use them on me.” He placed a kiss on Finn’s bicep.

Finn's laugh was deep with desire. “Oh, babe, I already knew that. Did you think I haven’t noticed you looking?” He took Poe's hands and maneuvered them behind his back.  “Did you think I couldn’t hear the little inhales when I handle you like this?” They hadn't gone beyond makeout sessions and hand jobs, but Finn had been able to see this, at least.  


He pushed Poe down to the bench gently, testing the strength of the bench - it was sturdy, good - before straddling him. Poe's hand were pinned to his sides by Finn's, now, and Finn leaned in to nip at his neck without distraction. “Did you think I wouldn’t be able to figure out that you like to be just a little caged?” 

He'd never seen heat like this in Poe's eyes. "Jesus fuck," Poe muttered against his lips. 

Finn laughed again as he rolled his hips, making them both groan. "I've got you figured out from head to toe," he lied. _Team fake it til you make it._ He had _some_ parts of Poe figured out, anyway. “I’m happy to oblige… as long as you return the favor.”

Poe blew out a breath as Finn continued to roll his hips slowly, torturing them both. “Yeah, okay, I’m  _ so  _ into that.  But, counterpoint.  I really want you to let me suck your dick.”

Finn almost swallowed his tongue. “Fair point,” he managed, breathlessly. "You make a good offer."  Finn released Poe’s hands and Poe started unzipping Finn’s jeans. “Touche...oh God.  Yes please.”  Finn leaned down and sucked Poe’s neck as Poe wrapped a hand around the base of his cock.   


The bench creaked eerily as Poe lifted Finn’s thighs and reversed their positions, falling to the ground on his knees before the bench. Poe admired Finn's cock, running his fingers slowly up it, gathering some of the precum on his finger and licking it off with his tongue. “You are absolutely gorgeous,” he murmured, though he'd told Finn before. It warmed Finn up from the inside out, watching Poe admire him. His eyes flicked back up to Finn's. "You ready?"  


Finn managed a nod, and a vocalization that was probably a yes, his fingers slipping into Poe's curls. 

Poe smiled, then slipped the head of Finn's cock almost tenderly between his lips, if such an act could ever be described as tender. With Poe it could, Finn thought. His hips shifted, but Poe was having none of that, pressing Finn down into the bench. His tongue swirled around the top of Finn's cock, and he hummed slightly there, maybe at the taste of Finn's precum. A zing of desire shot through Finn's spine and down to his toes, and he curled his fingers into Poe's hair, just a little, just testing. 

Poe looked up at him, nodding, giving the go ahead, and Finn guided his head further down, letting Poe call the shots on how much he wanted to take. Poe made a muffled sound, like a groan, Finn thought, bobbing back up, letting Finn press him down again. They worked in tandem like that for a few minutes, Finn groaning.    


An endless string of nonsense words began to pour out of Finn’s mouth.  “So good…Poe...God...fuck...nnngh...Poe...”  He pulled a little on Poe's hair, trying to warm him that he was about to come, but Poe just shook his fingers away and wrapped his hand around the base of Finn's dick to keep him from coming. 

"Come in me, if you want," Poe rasped, releasing Finn's cock and resuming his pumping as he eased his lips over the head. Finn moaned, and came, his hand going to Poe's head again, then cupping his cheek as Poe swallowed each hit of his cum. He groaned and melted back into the bench.  

Poe made his way back up Finn’s body, hands possessively stopping to squeeze Finn’s biceps.  Finn pulled him closer, tasted himself as they kissed. one hand still cupping Poe’s cheek. They made out like that for awhile, lazily, until Finn's hand dropped between them to start working on Poe's zipper.  


Poe broke off and slid a hand over Finn’s down below. “Don’t feel obligated, okay?  Remember we’re trying to take things slowly.”

Finn laughed a little. “Says the man who can probably still taste me in his mouth. I am completely happy to do this if you are.”  


Poe searched Finn’s face.  What he saw there must have satisfied him, because he moved his dissenting hand away and moved off of Finn's body.  “Do your best.”

“Oh I plan to.”

\---------------------

Weeding the cucumbers with Leia one day, Finn heard Poe riding up on BB-8.  “Hey, General.  You guys need a hand?”

Leia rose and pressed a hand to the small of her back.  “I’m always willing to let you spring chickens get to it.”  Poe tossed her a water bottle, then took her position at the row.  

She contemplated her boys for a moment. “You know, Poe.  Tomorrow’s market day.”

“Same day every week,  wouldn’t miss it.”

Finn saw Leia roll her eyes out of the corner of his.  _ What is she up to?   _ Finn knew Leia well enough by now to know she didn't say things without a point. 

“Seems to me that we haven’t had a proper celebration recently, and the Fourth’s coming up.”   


_ She's fishing, _ Finn thought.

Now Poe was rolling his eyes a bit, like he’d been caught out by the teacher. “Well Leia, we could have an old fashioned barn party.”

“Ohhh,” Leia said, with further meddling in mind, “With music and dancing?  That sounds wonderful.”  Leia looked pointedly at Poe and then at Finn.  Finn was having a hard time keeping a straight face, watching this byplay.

Poe glared at her, then turned to Finn.  “Finn” he ground out, “I think she’s trying to imply that I need to ask you to go dancing.  Would you like to go to the barn party with me, Finn Smith?”  He blinked at Leia as if to say,  _ pleased, Mother?  _ She just smiled serenely back at him.

By the time the exchange was completed, Finn had rolled over onto his back on the ground, clutching his belly with laughter.  “Ye-eh-es,” Finn finally managed.  


\--------------

**Rey:** Barn Party? Just like high school, huh? Except this time you can’t ditch me for Chuck.

**Finn:** Which outfit, Rey?

**Rey:** Go with the black T.  You said he likes your guns, right?

**Finn:** Oh he SO does.  Got it.  Thanks!

**Rey:** Say hi to Jess for me.

**Finn:** Will do!

Decision taken out of his hands, Finn dressed quickly in jeans and the tight black t-shirt.  He glanced briefly at the hallway mirror as he emerged from his bedroom, then stopped in his tracks as he saw Poe waiting in the living area.  _ Tall drink of water  _ was the old fashioned phrase that came to mind.  He, too, wore jeans, making Finn happy with his own choice, a crisp white button up, and a dress vest.  Far from a farmer, Poe looked like he belonged in the metropolitan Portland landscape to the north.  He’d left his hat on the hallway hook, his hair slicked back and neat.  Finn felt the immediate urge to run his fingers through it and mess it up, but resisted,  _ barely.  _  Finn realized that Poe was giving him the same perusal.  Poe bit his lip, obviously liking what he saw.  He held out a hand to Finn.  “Ready for some shenanigans?”

“Abso- _ lutely _ ,” Finn replied, taking his hand.  Poe grabbed his guitar on their way out the door.

The market building had been converted into a party space for the occasion; boxes and displays had been hauled off of hay bales to use for seating, and a dance floor had been cleared.  To one side, several farm workers were setting up a band area, and Poe walked over to place his guitar among the other instruments.

“Hey man, you joining us tonight?”

“This one hasn’t seen me play for a crowd,” Poe replied, pointing to Finn.

“Niiiice.”

Poe dragged Finn away and Finn thought,  _ he really did have a habit of doing that,  _ not in the least distressed.  The farmer placed a cold beer in Finn’s hand, then took it back, quipping, “Wait, you’re over 21, right?”

“Give me that, old man.”  Finn elbowed him in the side for good measure.  They greeted Jess, who was wasting no time discussing the case with Leia in person.

The party picked up as the music started, Poe saying he’d join the band after he’d had a chance to dance with Finn.  Which they did, and it was  _ awesome.  _  Fast dance, slow dance, Poe could move his body.  It made Finn ravenous to get to the next step in their relationship, the step they’d pulled themselves back from several times recently.  He knew Poe could see it in his eyes, and Finn’s heart thrilled when Poe started to lean down to whisper what  _ he was sure  _ would have been the best illicit suggestion Finn had ever received, when there was a commotion by the door.

A tall, thin man had entered, looking entirely out of place in a three-piece business suit.  Finn heard Poe’s intake of breath and glanced at him.  He could tell Poe recognized the man, and from the look on his and Leia’s faces, Finn didn’t need three guesses, even as Poe menacingly said, “Ben.”

Finn expected this type of situation only to happen in movies, but the music and chatter literally stopped, and it was like Ben stood on one side of a chasm and the whole of Organa’s Organics stood opposing him.  Leia and Poe moved toward him, and Jess and Finn followed.  

Surprisingly, it was Jess who spoke first. “Glad you got my message, Mr. Solo.  Jess Pava.” Jess crossed the chasm and extended her hand.  Automatically, Ben shook it.

“I wasn’t aware there would be …  _ festivities. _ ” Ben sounded as if the thought of music nauseated him.

“Yes, well, I’m grateful you could come anyway.” Jess turned to Leia. “Maybe we could go someplace more private?”

“Of course,” said Leia, leading them outside.  Rather than taking them to the house, Leia wound her way around to walk among the greenhouses.  “I’m glad to see you, Ben.”

Silence from Ben.  

Jess filled in the silence briskly. “Ben, I asked you here to consider a different offer on the land and brewery.”

“Go on,” Ben demurred, all business.

“Ms. Organa would like you to consider a partnership with Organa’s Organics.  Let this company take care of yours.  You don’t even need to be involved, just have to sign off on the profit every quarter.”

Ben seemed to consider this, and everyone held their breath.  “Absolutely not.”

“Ben!” Leia exclaimed on an exhale of breath.

“I honestly don’t know how you’ve managed to keep this place afloat,  _ mother. _ ” He said the word like a curse. “Farms are notoriously unstable.  It would be best to just cut your losses and liquidate.  You’re not getting any younger, and helping charity cases…” He flicked his eyes at Poe. “...doesn’t help your profit margin.” Finn felt Poe tense and instinctively grabbed his hand.  Ben noted the gesture with a short laugh of derision. “Besides, I’d never let anything in  _ my name  _ be run by some mongrel fag-...”

Finn didn’t let Ben finish before he was in his face. In fact, Finn was the quickest to react of the whole bunch; even Ben seemed surprised that he had actually said it. “What. Were. You. Saying?” Finn growled, the lawyer in him somehow keeping the presence of mind to keep his hands off Ben.  He felt a hand on his own shoulder but shrugged it off.

Ben’s chin rose a little higher, defiant. “Nothing he didn't deserve. And who the fuck are you?” Ben used his height advantage crowd Finn backwards. “Another one of Mom's rescues? I swear the whole fucking farm is gay.”

“Are you kidding me? You are seriously going to insult your own mother? Do you even know how lucky you are? Snap out of your adolescent rebellion and open your fucking eyes! Your mom accepts everyone and everything, so why are you trying so hard to be something she won't accept?” The noises Leia, Poe, and Jess were making sounded like buzzing in Finn’s ears. His whole world had become the increasingly redder face of the man in front of him. “You shouldn't be jealous of Poe. Your mom loves you just as much as-” 

Ben’s eyes bulged out of his sockets and he shoved Finn, hard.

Poe would tell him later that it was one of those stupid, chance falls. A foot to the right, and Poe would have caught him. A foot to the left, and he would have hit one of the metal beams supporting the greenhouse and taken way less damage.

But all Finn registered was surprise, the sound of glass breaking, and then darkness.

\---------

Later, Finn would remember only impressions: the flashing red lights of the ambulance, the blinding white light that the kind EMT used to check his pupils, a shirtless Poe gripping his hand and holding something to his back, which hurt, like,  _ a lot.  _ Most of the story would have to be filled in by Poe…

\----------------

Poe didn't know or really even care where Ben had gone after they all quickly realized Finn wasn't getting up. Poe immediately fell to his knees besides the prone figure, jeans protecting him from the worst of the glass shards. He began to systematically check for wounds like he would have for a fallen comrade back in Afghanistan.  _ Superficial cuts, nothing too deep, must have hit his head, nothing seems broken here, no blood on the back of his head, leave him still in case of spinal injury, back...back...oh shit.  _

There was a long glass shard, thin as a pencil, sticking straight into Finn’s back, and it went deep. Red was spreading around the wound, but not gushing, thankfully. Poe stripped off his vest and shirt, gently pressing the fabric to the wound and being careful not to wedge the shard in any further. He couldn't pull it out, not here on the fucking ground, and he finally glanced up at his companions. Relief hit him when he could tell that Jess was already on the phone with 911. People had gotten hurt on the farm before, but Poe was fairly sure the family doctor in Independence wasn't going to cut it in this situation.  

Waiting for the ambulance felt like torture, and Poe had a fleeting thought that Finn was lucky he got to sleep through it. When capable EMT hands replaced his own, he stayed kneeling, unsure of what to do next. He felt a comforting arm over his shoulders, as Leia knelt beside him. He leaned into her easily, years of experience already making him comfortable. He watched as the EMTs prepared Finn for the gurney, stabilizing his neck. One of the EMTs beckoned Poe over.

“You did a good job not taking out the glass. I'm afraid it might have punctured an internal organ. We need a surgeon nearby when we take it out. We’re taking him to Salem. Are you riding along?”

“Yes, yes, of course. I'm his boyfriend.” Poe glanced at Leia and Jess. “See you at Salem? Jess, you should call Rey.”

Jess nodded. “Already on it.”

Leia simply said, “I'll drive.”

The EMT who had spoken to Poe let him hold Finn’s hand as he hooked Finn up to various sensors. Poe brought Finn’s hand to his lips as the ambulance sped through the night. For the first time in years, he found himself wishing for his rosary.

At the hospital, they wheeled Finn away where Poe couldn't follow. Leia and Jess found him in the waiting room, head down and hands tugging through his own curls. They flanked him, Leia running a hand on Poe’s thigh while Jessika hung a jacket around his bare shoulders. Poe immediately recognized it as the leather jacket he'd given Finn on the first night they'd met. “Where did you get this?” His voice sounded distant, even to himself.

“It was with your guitar. I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be a good idea to run to the cottage to get you something better,” Leia responded.

“He's always cold.” Poe's laugh was bitter. “Idiot, if he'd been wearing this, we probably wouldn't be here.” Poe worked his arms through and wrapped the material tight, smelling Finn.

“Rey’s coming,” Jess said into the silence. “She said, even if she has to commandeer a jet, she's coming. I wouldn't put it past her to be here by morning. Girl is beyond determined when she decides on something.”

“Good.”

“Poe, I'm sorry about-”

Poe cut Leia off. “Don’t. We both know Ben has anger management issues.”

“Ready for a silver lining?” inquired Jess. She forged ahead through the silence. “If Finn wants to press charges, that may give us the leverage we need to get First Order off Organa’s Organics backs.”

_ Ever the lawyer _ , Poe thought, though not bitterly. He was just too strung out on nerves to contemplate it. “Let's just get Finn through this before we start doing a victory lap,” he suggested.

“Of course,” Jess replied quietly.

Poe was leaning back the chair, Leia's head against his chest, when the ER doctor came through the doors. Shifting Leia, Poe stood and crossed the room.  _ Oh God, it hasn't been enough time, why didn't they take more time, not enough to be good news- _

“Finn Smith’s family?”

“Yeah. Boyfriend. Boss. Friend,” he added as Leia and Jess came up behind him.

“Family?” The doctor repeated.

“She’s coming,” Jess replied, at the same time that Poe said, “We  _ are  _ his family.”

“‘Kay. Mr. Smith is being prepped for surgery. There's internal bleeding to fix, and the glass may have punctured his kidney. Luckily, we have two of those. The glass is also lodged near an artery, so we're being very cautious. As long as Mr. Smith comes through surgery fine, and as he's young and fit, everything is going for him, I think he'll be out of critical care in no time.”

The trio’s shoulders collectively sagged in relief, and the doctor passed back through the swinging doors.

Waiting in hospitals never changed. People from Organa’s Organics dropped in and out of the waiting room, Snap bringing Poe a shirt to put on. Poe shrugged the leather jacket back over it,  _ against the cool of the hospital _ , he justified, and definitely not because Finn's scent comforted him.

Jess actually pulled out a deck of cards, conspiring with Snap to distract Poe. It worked marginally, but if they'd been playing for money, Poe would have just ended up losing his shirt again.

Several hours in, a young woman in rumpled clothes walked into the waiting room. Poe recognized her immediately, though he was used to a phone-sized version chatting and laughing over video. “Rey!”

“Nice to finally meet you in person, cowboy.”

“You made great time. Amazing time.”

“That's because the skies aren't the only place she breaks the sound barrier,” Jess said affectionately. She pulled Rey into a hug, Rey looking a little shocked but pleased. Then, even more shocked when as soon as Jess released her, Poe was also sweeping her into a hug.

“I'm so glad you're here for him.” Poe's voice sounded like it was dangerously close to breaking, and Rey rubbed his shoulder.

“Shhh,” she soothed.

The group glanced over as the doctor came in again, in surgical scrubs covered in smears of rust that Poe realized was Finn’s blood.  Poe reached down to grab one of Rey’s hands.  The doctor was smiling, and Poe felt like he took the first full breath he’d taken in hours.

“Finn came through like a champ, I have to tell you.”  The doctor looked as pleased with herself as she was with Finn. “We saved the kidney.  He’s in recovery now.  He’s still unconscious, and he may be in and out of consciousness for awhile.  We did an MRI to check for cranial bruising or swelling,  His head took a hard knock, but he must have a hard head.  We’re not worried about a traumatic brain injury.”

Rey squeezed Poe’s hand.  “Can we see him?”

“I think one at a time would be fine.”

“You go first,” Poe said to Rey. “Don’t waste time arguing with me, I don’t want Finn to wake up alone.”  

Rey searched his eyes for a moment and nodded, turning to leave with the doctor.  

Poe made his way to the bathroom, trying to get to solitude before he could let a few tears fall.  He gave into the emotions for one moment, then washed his face with cold water, running his wet fingers through his hair. He charmed a nurse into showing him where Finn was, and waited outside the curtain as Rey pressed a kiss onto Finn’s forehead.  She glanced up, eyes heated, and made her way to Poe.

“So, when are we going after whoever did this? Who  _ did  _ do this?”

“It’s complicated.  Jess could fill you in.”

The mention of the lawyer was enough of a distraction to get Rey to leave the room, and Poe took her place. He tried not to look at the various tubes and sensors attached to Finn, focusing instead on his beautiful _alive_ face.  

\------------

The first time Finn woke up, he didn’t open his eyes. He felt Poe’s hand in his, warm and strong.  Finn heard snippets and words from Poe but his tired brain couldn’t interpret them. “Taking you to the parade...so brave, baby...fireworks…”  Safe, Finn slipped back into the black.

Finn woke up again when they were moving him from recovery to a patient room.  “Hey hun,” greeted the nurse moving his bed, smiling down at him.  “Welcome back to the real world.”

“Poe?”

“Is that your boyfriend?” Finn nodded, his head feeling strangely heavy. “He’ll be right back, hun, and I imagine darned mad that he missed you waking up.  Quite a man you have there.”

Finn smiled. “Yeah,” he rasped.    _ Of course Poe managed to charm the nurse in…  _ “Wait, what time is it?  Or day?”

The nurse was settling him in, but paused to check the chart on his bed.  “Let’s see, you were brought in at...11:36 last night.  It’s noon now, so you’ve only lost about 12 hours.  Not too bad for surgery and a potential head injury.”

“Surgery?”  Finn heard a rush of steps, and Poe appeared in the doorway.

“Finn!” He set the bottled water in his hand onto one of Finn’s bedside tables.  

Finn held up a hand attached to an IV and Poe immediately clasped it.  “Missed you, Poe.”

The nurse sighed pleasantly.  Poe turned a radiant smile on her. Knowing Poe, Finn was sure he had already managed to have a long-winded conversation about her career, love life, and personal dreams.  Over the last three weeks, Finn had grown used to random bystanders falling in love with Poe. It wasn’t hard to do given the farmer’s absolute kindness to everyone he met.  And, Finn was pretty sure he was falling in love just as quickly.

“The Doc said you’re her best patient. If the evening goes well, we can go home tomorrow.  _ If  _ -” Poe looked at the nurse for verification, “we check in with the medical center in town.”

“That’s right!” the nurse replied brightly, checking everything one last time before leaving for other duties.

Finn was grateful when Poe filled in what had happened in his missing hours.  Poe was just finishing up when Finn noticed Rey peering in at them.  “Rey!” he said with as much enthusiasm as he could, given the surgery.  “Come in here, Princess.”  Rey wrinkled her nose at the epithet but moved to the other side of his bed.

“If I’m the Princess, you’re my Queen,” Rey replied, the joke so old between them that neither bothered to laugh.  “I have to say, Finn, Oregon doesn’t seem to be agreeing with you.”

“I’d love to claim that Ben’s actually from California, but it seems assholes are rife everywhere, even paradise,” Poe interjected.

“Well, I know that’s the truth.”  

Finn managed to roll his eyes when they  _ fistbumped.  _ They  _ actually fistbumped.  _ “You guys didn’t pull, like, a  _ While You Were Sleeping _ , uh, while I was sleeping, right?”

Poe laughed. “I don’t think you’re old enough to make that reference, bud.”

“Don’t underestimate him.  Finn is stupid for romantic comedies.”

“Good to know.  What else can you tell me, wise one?”

“So this is what I get for having my best friend and boyfriend in the same room?  You guys know I got stabbed, right?  Can I get a little time before you spill all my secrets to each other?”

“Actually, you’re saved.  I can’t stay,” Rey said. “Gotta get back to saving the universe.  You call me as soon as you’re out, yes?” Finn nodded. Rey leaned down to plant a kiss on his cheek and whispered,  “I can’t wait for you to come back.  The apartment seems so empty without you.”

Finn replied, “You could fix that problem yourself, you know.”

“I know.  But…”

“Courage, grasshopper.”  Which made Rey smile, which was what Finn had been going for in the first place.

Rey turned to Poe. “Cowboy, take care of my man, okay? I want him returned without any more scars.”

“I can’t promise anything out here in the wild west, ma’am, but I’ll try my best.”

“If you don’t, I know exactly where to take you in the New Mexican desert so they never find your body.”  With that, she left the room.

Poe looked down at Finn. “Serious or not?”

“Let me put it this way.  If she was sticking around, I’d be having you tail her to make sure she doesn’t go after Ben.”

“Yeah, Jess talked her down last night. She thinks you - we - can use this whole thing to our advantage, if we play it right.”

“Mmm.” Finn was suddenly, incredibly not interested in that, the tiredness creeping up on him again. “You should come here.”  He patted the small sliver of bed available next to him. “Sing me to sleep.”

It must have been an appealing enough suggestion for Poe to ignore the faulty logistics, and he squeezed in beside Finn, wrapping himself around the younger man the way he loved Finn to wrap around him, careful of his back.  He kissed Finn’s cheek, and quietly started to sing, so only Finn could hear it. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…”


	5. (In)Depedendence Day - Rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rated E - contains smut 
> 
> Original summary: Wrapping up the Organa’s Organics universe for now: Finn and Poe enjoy 4th of July celebrations; there’s reckoning to be reckoned with the First Order/Ben situation; and decisions must be made regarding the future.
> 
> Chapter tags: Oral Sex (f/f), Ben's still being a shitty homophobe
> 
> :laughing crying face: Wrapping up, eh? Yeah, right.
> 
> This chapter is heavily edited as far as having inserted scenes that I wrote later in it. Again, if you'd like to read it with the original pacing and original epilogue, see the original work. Okay, I think I'm going to stop saying that for the rest of the fic, you get it. :D

“The town’s called Independence. Its founding date is July 4th.  There’s no way to get away from Independence Day craziness here,” Poe explained as they walked slowly through the carnival, Poe being especially careful with the recovering Finn.

“I haven’t left the farm for three days except to go to the doctor.  I think I can stand a little craziness.” The doctor had  _ finally  _ cleared him from bed rest, ' _ with good behavior,'  _ doctor had said pointedly to Poe.

“What, Leia’s Netflix account not stimulating?”

“I can only watch so much of  _ The Walking Dead  _ before I get paranoid about living on a farm,” Finn complained.  “And then there’s  _ Night of the Living Dead _ .  Or, like, any horror movie.  Why do they all take place on farms?”

Poe chuckled and gathered one of Finn’s hands in his.  “Don’t worry, babe, I’ll protect you, I’m a crack shot.”

Spying something down an aisle, Finn dragged Poe along. “Prove it, hot shot!” He deposited them in front of one of those shooting range games.

Poe grinned, obviously game.  He exchanged money and pleasantries with the carnival worker, shouldered the air rifle, and steadily knocked down all five tin ducks.  “See, I got you!  Don’t ask me to throw a baseball though.”  The worker pulled down a stuffed gray cat and handed it to Poe.

Finn immediately held out his hands.  “Gimme!” Poe laughed and handed it over.  “I am going to call her Leia.”

“Don't let Leia hear you say that.”

“Ooo, let’s get cotton candy, I’ve always wanted to try that.”  With that, Finn was off pulling Poe in another direction.

“Wait, you’ve never had cotton candy before?”

A slight blush tinged Finn’s cheeks. “My parents were big believers in order.  And discipline.  And then in college, I was just too old for this kind of thing, you know?”

“Oh, babe, you are  _ never  _ too old for carnival food.  I don’t know about cotton candy, though.  I’d go for an elephant ear.”  As they got in line, Poe pulled Finn closer and whispered in his ear, “Split one with me?”  Poe laughed at the huge, genuine grin Finn flashed at him, and looked at him adoringly.  “You’re too sweet for words.”

“I know!” For the first time in maybe his whole life, Finn felt truly free.  He’d taken a blow, yes, but here he was, on the mend, out in the beautiful July sun, with the man he -  _ loved.  _  The realization sucker punched him in the gut, and he involuntarily inhaled a gasp, which had Poe looking back at him with concern even as he finished the transaction for the elephant ear.

“You okay, Finn?  Do we need to rest for a bit?”

“That might be nice.  How about we rest in the Ferris wheel?” Finn asked slyly, recovering still from his realization.  


“I’m not sure that’s really ‘resting,’ but it does sound lovely.”

When they were settled in a seat to themselves, Poe broke off a bit of fried dough and offered it to Finn. “Try this.  Believe me, you’ll be an elephant ear convert forever.”  He fed the piece to Finn, then watched heatedly as Finn licked his lips free of cinnamon and sugar.  

Finn made a sound of approval.  “That’s wonderful.  I can see why it’s only allowed to be carnival food, though.”  They continued to share the elephant ear in companionable silence as the Ferris wheel stopped and started, bringing them ever higher.  

Near the top, Poe went to clean his sugar-coated fingers on a napkin, but Finn stopped him. “Allow me,” he whispered, as he pulled Poe’s thumb into his mouth.  He kept his eyes on Poe’s and swirled his tongue around the digit.

Poe let out an involuntary growl, and tugged at Finn’s shirt with his free hand.  Suddenly, Poe’s mouth was devouring his, and they’d reached the top of the wheel, and Finn wasn’t sure a moment could get more perfect.  As their mouths parted, it was on the tip of Finn’s tongue to confess his feelings, but something held him back, and he turned away from Poe’s eyes, saying over-enthusiastically, “Look at the view!”

From the top, they could see what Finn thought had to be the entire western Willamette valley spread out below them, green and vibrant until it hit the darker mountains in the west, the Willamette River twinkling like molten silver.

“It  _ is  _ beautiful.”  

From the corner of his eye, Finn could see that Poe was still looking at him.  He blushed and grinned, hugging Poe and bringing him closer. “You’re such a cheeseball.”  He laid his head on Poe’s strong shoulder and sighed. “Thank you.”

“Is there anything else you want to do?” Poe asked as they started the downswing of the wheel.  

“Barring staying here forever? Can’t we at least stay for the fireworks?”  

“You aren’t tired?  They’re hours away, we could come back.  The doctor said -”

“I love the farm, Poe, you know I do, but no, now that I have you off the farm, I want to keep you here for a few more hours. Spend the day with me.” Finn tried his best puppy dog eyes.

Poe groaned. “Jeez, twist my arm.  Okay.  But if you feel like you’re hurting, you tell me.”

Finn grinned as his eyes lit up with victory. “Of course!”

Somehow, Finn convinced Poe to take him to the river, even though he couldn’t get his stitches wet -  _ “I’ll just put my feet in, I swear.”    _ Poe found them a secluded swimming hole, perfect for Finn to stay dry. Then, he realized Finn’s ulterior motive when Finn slyly suggested Poe take off his shirt so it wouldn’t get wet.

“I see what you’re about,” Poe said as his eyes darkened.  He made sure Finn was settled comfortably, then backed up.  “Want a show, then?”

“Do you think I’m going to say no?” Finn grinned as Poe moved to unbutton his work shirt. Then, his eyes widened in shock as Poe rolled his hips a bit and turned around in a fairly good imitation of something one could see in Magic Mike.  Finn whistled.  “Keep going, baby!”  Poe whipped back around with his shirt now open, gorgeous chest bared for Finn’s approval.  Finn’s fingers twitched involuntarily from suppressing the need to run his fingers across that chest and down Poe’s happy trail. Poe followed his gaze and unbuttoned his jeans, letting them ride open a bit. “Damn, Poe.  How are you so good at this?”

“It’s the Latin genes," Poe said with a laugh, rolling his eyes at himself. He dropped to his knees beside him, utterly serious again as he whispered something in Spanish.  Finn rarely heard him speak the language unless he was talking to some of the other farm hands.  

Finn tipped his head over to kiss Poe. “I’m not sure what you just said, but keep doing it.”  He watched Poe with heavy eyes.

Poe sighed, and pressed a chaste kiss to Finn’s cheek.  “I’d love to, babe, and believe me, when I get the chance again, I will.  But the doc said no strenuous activity and what I have in mind is  _ extremely strenuous _ .” Poe glanced down at his pants. “Besides, I think I’ve come to the point in the show where I don’t know how to sexily take off jeans.”  

Finn had felt a surge of annoyance at Poe stopping just to baby him, but the humor helped soothe him and he smiled a bit.  He felt a lot better after a little payback as he rubbed Poe through his jeans. “Looks like maybe you could use the cold water, though.” 

Poe glared playfully and tossed his shirt in Finn’s face.

In the end, Poe did strip down to his boxes and swim a bit, Finn keeping him company from the side.  When Poe climbed out and toweled off, they found a patch of grass in the sun and laid a blanket down.  Finn removed his t-shirt, stretched out carefully on his back and closed his eyes.  After a few minutes, he felt Poe place something on his chest.  He opened his eyes to see a plain yellow flower,  _ dandelion,  _ Poe had called it just weeks ago.

“I know they’re the bane of our existence at the farm, but the yellow,” Poe paused, looking sheepish, “I thought it would look nice against your skin.”

Touched, Finn tucked the flower behind his ear. “Poe Dameron, does anyone else in the world know you’re just a big ol’ cheeseball?” he said affectionately, and pulled Poe down to the blanket. “Come here so I can reward you.”

Poe leaned over Finn kiss his lips. “What can I say?  You inspire me.”  He put his head on Finn’s shoulder and absently drew shapes over the man’s bare chest.  

Poe and Finn delayed leaving until they absolutely had to before heading back into town to grab something to eat and parking Poe’s truck in an ideal spot for the fireworks.  They turned the truck bed into a picnic area, eating hamburgers and fries before laying out again to watch the display, hand in hand.  As the colorful lights boomed above them, Finn wondered how he was ever going to leave Poe and Oregon behind, and for the first time, truly considered the possibility that he didn’t have to.

\-------------------

The thought of staying on the farm and in Poe’s life acted like a worm in Finn’s brain; once it lodged itself in there, it stayed and grew until Finn wondered if he’d ever thought of doing anything else.  It was his last thought before he fell asleep, wrapped around Poe in the bed they now shared every night, and his first upon rising. He was finally cleared for light duty, and the idea wormed further as he worked the till on market day or led tourists around the farm.  Finn had done a lot of impulsive things this summer, but this idea was a slow burn.

He was worrying over it while arranging bundles of lavender in mid-July when Poe, Jess, and Leia came to talk to him.  Poe saw the look on his face, and, barely audible to Finn, whispered to Jess that maybe they should come back later.  “No, it’s alright,” Finn interrupted.  “This is about Ben, I’m assuming?”

Jess spoke first. “He’s agreed to a meeting, agreed to discuss an arrangement.  He appreciates your willingness to not press charges.”

Finn rolled his eyes derisively.  “Be sure to tell him I  _ appreciate  _ not having medical bills.”

Poe continued, “The thing is, he requested you be there, and I don’t know why, and I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He directed the last part at Jess.

“We have the upper hand-”

“Exactly, why does Finn need to be there, we already have leverage.”  Poe and Jess were facing off now, but Finn stepped in between them.

“I’ll go. It’s fine,” said Finn, placing a hand on Poe’s chest when he made a noise of distress.  He turned to Jess. “I’ll do it.  When and where?”

As he hammered details out with Jess, he saw Poe take his phone out and tap quickly.  

\-------------------

As they pulled away from the cottage in Poe’s pick up, he questioned Finn. “Are you sure you want to do this?”  

“Are you really going to make our first fight about Ben?  Give him that power?”

Poe sighed, resigned, and continued to drive.  They had agreed to meet Ben on the neutral ground of a law firm in Salem, so Finn was confused when they headed off the wrong direction.

“We need to pick up someone else first.”

“I thought Leia and Jess were meeting us in Salem?”

Poe was hesitant.  “It’s a surprise?” he said as they pulled up to a hotel.  Rey stood in the sun, Air Force blues pressed perfectly.  Finn gaped at Poe.  “I thought we might need backup.”  Finn heard Poe mumble to himself, “I thought  _ I  _ might need backup.”

Finn opened the door and pulled Rey up in a swinging hug. She laughed and protested. “No, I’m cleared, I can kind of do this stuff now.  And I didn’t get to hug you last time, so let me do my thing. Uniform, huh?  Hoping to intimidate Ben?”

“Intimidate Ben, earn sympathy of bystanders, there are many benefits.  Downside, it’s freaking hot.” Rey smiled as Poe also swept her into a hug.  “Thanks for letting me know.”

Finn looked at Rey and Poe, pleased that his favorite two people had become close.  “I’m trying to be mad at your guys’ meddling and going behind my back - my  _ injured  _ back - but I just can’t.  This feels right. We’re right,” he said as he grabbed a hand from both Poe and Rey.

“We’re going to be late, I think, if we keep gabbing. I want tactical advantage,” pointed out Rey, and they piled back into the cab of the truck.

Luckily, they arrived at the law firm ahead of First Order, though Jess and Leia were waiting for them at the door.  Finn was gratified to see that Jess also looked surprised to see Rey. “Well at least I’m not the only one who was kept in the dark.”

“Secrecy was essential, and your boy is good at it, so you might want to watch that in the future.”  Rey wrapped an arm around Jess’s waist. “Let’s go kick some ass, Jess.”

Finn knew he shouldn’t have been surprised, but he felt blindsided when Phasma, Cindy, and two other First Order employees entered the room with Ben.  Both parties sat on opposite sides of a large wooden table, squaring off in anticipation.  

Phasma opened her mouth to speak but Jess jumped in before she could, saying, “We’ve written up an agreement that we think will satisfy all parties.  My client, Ms. Organa, believes it would be in everyone’s best interest to release Ben from the binding will of Mr. Han Solo.  Rather than incorporate the land into Organa’s Organics, the brewery and all assets would be sold to family friend Lando Calrissian. Ben can wash his hands of the responsibility and Ms. Organa feels that the Calrissian family will uphold the Solo legacy and agrees not to fight the sale in court.”  Jess pushed a stack of papers across the table to Phasma.

Phasma glanced down at them briefly, but motioned to Ben. “My client would like to make a statement.”

Ben looked at Finn, and Finn reached for Rey and Poe’s hands under the table. “After our altercation,” and Rey rolled her eyes at him, “I went to my pastor to seek wisdom from him and God.  We prayed, and Pastor Snoke helped me realize that violence is not the correct response when one comes across a person in sin.  ‘Hate the sin, love the sinner.’  While ultimately I believe you will end up in Hell for your sins, I must allow you to live the life you chose-”

Rey burst out of her chair and leaned over the table, arms spread wide. “Stop spewing your homophobic bullshit.  Jess?” She turned over her shoulder to look at the lawyer, who snapped out of stunned silence.

“I think we’ve had enough of your client’s statement, Phasma.  We’ll give you some time to look at the paperwork.”  Jess beckoned them to the hallway, which soon got too crowded, so they moved to the waiting room.

Rey paced the room, angrily.  “I don’t get how you all aren’t livid right now.”

“Poe and I have been dealing with Ben for a long time.  Sadly, his attitude never seems to change,” Leia said quietly.

“I  _ am  _ mad.  But I also know that bullshit opinions like that don’t matter, in the long run, because of the people I have here and now.” Finn glanced around the room then ducked his head, embarrassed.

Poe placed an arm over his shoulder, comforting him.  “Now who’s the cheeseball?” he asked as he placed a kiss in Finn’s hair.

Rey stopped pacing as Ben, Phasma and her posse came into the waiting room.  Ben seemed to be avoiding everyone’s eyes and Rey raised her chin defiantly.

Phasma handed the stack of papers back to Jess. “The offer is acceptable.  You’ll find everything signed. I believe our law offices can deal with the rest of the details. Good day, Ms. Pava.”  Everyone in the room hear the implied  _ fuck you, Ms. Pava.  _  She kept her head high as they left the law office.

A silence settled over those remaining in the waiting room.  It was understood without being spoken that the victory was bittersweet for Leia, and so there was no sense of celebration. Poe offered to take everyone to dinner, and Leia declined, deciding to take Poe’s truck back to the farm as the other four could squeeze into Jess’s rental sedan.  Leia left after giving everyone a kiss on the cheek, even a surprised Rey.

At dinner, the first round of drinks delivered, the four allowed themselves a little celebration.

“To victory, however bittersweet,” quipped Jess, raising her glass.

“To awesome lawyers,” said Rey, looking at Jess.

“To chance encounters.” Poe raised his beer.

Finn responded, “To Oregon, and organic farmers.”  Everyone chuckled and drank.  Food was brought and devoured, and more drinks poured, except for Poe, who had agreed to be the DD.

“I have to say, Oregon’s been great, but I’m looking forward to being back in Sante Fe.”  Jess sighed blissfully into her wine.

Rey kept her gaze on Jess. “I have leave for two more days.  Stick around and fly home with me?”

“Of course,” Jess said jovially, and they clinked their glasses together again.

“Just a few more weeks and Finn will be making the same journey,” Poe added, saying it enthusiastically but looking a little sick.

“Actually…” Three sets of eyes moved to Finn’s face, and Finn stumbled over what he was saying. He took a sip of beer and restarted. “Actually, I’m going to stay in Oregon. With Poe.” The eyes continued to stare, wider now.  “I like it here.  Who wouldn’t?  Oregon’s beautiful.  And I like what I do on the farm.  And after First Order, I don’t think I can stomach being a lawyer.” A pause. Finn turned to Poe. “And I think I love you - no, I mean, I know I love you, Poe, and I can’t stand the idea of being a thousand miles away from you.”  

Poe was silent for too long and Finn’s anxiety kicked up.  Then, he picked up Finn’s hand and kissed it. “I love you too, baby. Let’s talk about the rest in the morning.  I think it’s time to call it a night.”

In the back of his mind, Finn realized Poe had just, at least partially, dismissed his feelings to drunkenness.  He brooded over that fact as they dropped off Rey and Jess at their hotel, brooded as they drove back to the farm, brooded as Poe helped him undress and into bed.  But he slipped into sleep with a sigh when he felt Poe wrap around him.

\--------------------------

_( **An Interlude with Rey and Jess** originally appeared in Out of Time as Chapter 22)_  


Rey was pleasantly tipsy when Finn and Poe dropped them off at their hotel. Still, she bumped shoulders with Jess, then blushed when Jess took her by the arm to lead her inside. “I’m not drunk,” she mumbled to the older woman. The cool, sophisticated, extremely intelligent lawyer always made her feel clumsy and tongue-tied.

Jess shrugged at her with a wink, and continued to hold her arm as they waited for their elevator. The contact was making Rey feel warm all over; she was ready to shed her wool uniform jacket as soon as she got to her room. And maybe her bra.

“So did you make plans for your little holiday?” Jess asked as the doors pinged open.

Inside, Rey leaned against the wall and watched Jess efficiently hit the button for their floor. “Not really. Just be here for Finn. Moral support.”

“You’re a good friend, Rey. It’s not like you have all the leave time in the world. And you just used time to visit him in the hospital.”

Rey’s cheeks colored. “He’d do the same for me in a heartbeat.”

“Yeah, you’re both pretty disgusting,” Jess said with a laugh, bumping shoulders with Rey, who laughed in turn.

“Good thing you’re around to keep us grounded, then,” Rey replied, sticking out her tongue.

The elevator doors slid open, and they walked toward their rooms. At the junction where Jess would have to leave her, Jess paused. “I’m not really tired. You?”

Rey shook her head. “Nope. Still keyed up from wanting to bash Asshole Ben’s face in.”

Jess frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. “God, can you fucking believe his smugness? I wanted to throw up.”

“Ungh,” Rey grunted in agreement. “Hey, you want to come in, hang out for a bit? I brought a pack of cards with me.” Rey nodded toward her hotel room door.

“Sure.”

Rey turned to her door, fumbling the key card, suddenly nervous. Her nerves only grew when Jess placed a hand over hers, steadying it so she could slide the card through. “Thanks,” she mumbled.

Inside, Jess kicked off her heels with a sigh of relief. “Oh my god, that feels better.” She shrugged out of her suit jacket and hung it up in the coat closet. Rey followed the line of her body, tracing her curves from her shoulders, down her trim back to her slender waist, emphasized by the tight dress shirt tucked into her pencil skirt, and back over the gentle flare of her hips. Rey’s mouth went dry. She’d seen Jess in just about everything, but here and now, in this hotel room, just a little bit tipsy, Jess’s professional look was undoing her.

She realized Jess was looking at her expectantly, a hanger in her hand, and Rey started, shrugging out of her jacket and handing it off. Funny, she didn’t really feel any cooler.

She forced herself to turn away from Jess and leaned down to untie her boots. Feet free, she gave a sigh of relief and fell face first onto the queen-sized bed. “Oh man. I might just spend my whole vacation in this bed.  _ So much  _ better than my bunk on base.”

Jess laughed, a deep rich sound that made Rey feel happy. “I thought you military bitches weren’t supposed to be soft.”

“If you tell any of my men that I cried over a perfect mattress and a down comforter, I  _ will  _ kick your ass.” Rey sighed happily as she flipped over, then laughed when Jess fell on the bed with a thump next to her and tried to dislodge her. “Ha! Can’t do anything to me, this is one of those mattresses where you can put the wine glass on it and jump and nothing happens.” Rey bounced up and down happily to demonstrate.

She should have noticed the gleam in Jess’s eyes. If she had, maybe she would have been prepared for it. Instead, she was completely blindsided when Jess launched toward her, tackling her and rolling with her into play wrestling. Jess was at the disadvantage with the pencil skirt, and Rey easily subdued her, flipping her to her back and straddling her, panting a little as she pinned Jess’s arms to the mattress. Rey’s eyes widened as she realized their position. Embarrassed, she moved off of Jess, turning her back to the lawyer as she lay on the bed.  _ Come on, Rey. You’re way too young for her. She’s not interested. She’s never been interested in the years you’ve known her.  _ She rubbed her temple, suddenly feeling completely sober and left with a vague headache.

She was mid-rub when she felt tentative fingers on her back. Jess was tracing over her rumpled uniform shirt, then sweeping up to her strict bun. “Can I?” Jess asked, hands on her hair.

Rey was scared to breathe, let alone trust herself to talk, so she just nodded, and then Jess’s fingers were nimbly pulling out the pins and band that held her bun in place. She let down Rey’s hair, massaging into her scalp, down to her neck, easing the tension there, helping with Rey’s headache.

She swept Rey’s hair off of her neck, then, whisper-soft, Rey felt Jess’s lips against her hairline.

“Jess,” Rey breathed out.

“Look at me.” Jess’s voice was soft yet commanding, and Rey rolled to face her. Jess peered intently into her eyes. “How are you feeling?”

“Um...fine, I guess?”

Jess’s smile was friendly but rueful. “I meant, sobriety wise.”

“Oh,” Rey answered, blushing. “Oh, um. Fine. I mean. I meant what I said earlier. I’m not drunk. Um, you?”

Jess shook her head. “I really don’t want us to do anything we’ll regret come morning because of alcohol.”

Rey’s pulse felt like it was moving double time. “What about regretting it because you’ve never wanted me before and I’m just conveniently here right now?”

Jess frowned. “You think I want this because you’re convenient?”

“I...yes?”

Jess rolled away, staring at the ceiling, frowning even harder. Then, she snorted, clutching her stomach with laughter. “Jesus. Like… it’s all about perspective, huh?”

Rey furrowed her brows and bit her lip while she waited for Jess to go on. Jess quieted her laughter finally, and turned back to Rey, her hand reaching out to brush over Rey’s cheek. “I thought I was being really obvious. But apparently I’m Jane Bennett in this telling of Pride and Prejudice.”

Rey’s eyes widened. “You mean-”

“I mean, I like you, Rey. And I thought I was dropping enough hints, but apparently I haven’t been clear enough. So let me be really clear: I like you, and I would really,  _ really  _ like to kiss you.”

A heady mix of relief and want flooded Rey. “Yes please,” she said, then snorted at her own stupid words.

She was still laughing at herself when Jess’s lips met hers. Her lips were soft, so soft, and Rey wanted to drown herself in them. She let Jess push her to her back, taking the kiss deeper as Jess’s lower body draped over hers.

Rey swept her hands up to Jess’s short, glossy black hair, loving the texture of it beneath her fingers. She massaged Jess much as Jess had done for her earlier, and Jess moaned a little into their kiss, a small needy sound in her throat that had Rey’s heartbeat quickening.

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but Rey could have gone longer, groaning in disappointment when Jess broke the kiss, only to sigh happily when she settled on Rey’s neck instead.

Jess looked up at her, chest heaving, and all of a sudden both of them were rushing to get their clothing off. Uniforms - military and lawyer alike - went flying, until Rey and Jess were sitting up, both naked, each taking in the sight before them.

Rey broke first, crawling to Jess and leaning her back with a kiss on the mouth, then moving down her body, learning it. Lips beneath Jess’s ear, and she shivered. A trail of kisses to one nipple, and she shuddered. Rey brushed over the other nipple with her fingers, lightly pinching and pulling until it was hard and beaded. Jess’s breasts were small, like the rest of her, and perfect, in Rey’s estimation. Every bit of Jess was perfectly proportioned.

Jess’s fingers tangled in her hair as Rey continued to lave attention on her nipples, teasing with finger and tongue. Her fingers tightened and released, pulling on Rey’s hair, and Rey moaned over her nipple, vibrating it. Jess grinned and immediately repeated the action, making Rey’s eyes roll back a bit. When her hand eased, Rey popped her mouth off of Jess’s nipple and admonished, “Naughty.” Jess just grinned. “Just for that, I’m moving on.”

“Do your worst,” Jess giggled.

Rey’s mouth moved down Jess’s ribs, then kissing over the small curve of her hip. At her stomach, she paused, spreading Jess’s legs by easing her knee out, caressing there behind the knee to make Jess twitch. “Testing status?”

“Negative,” Jess replied. “You?”

“Same.” Without further preamble, Rey lowered her head between Jess’s legs, breathing her scent in deeply, happily, before leaning in to place a small kiss on her clit. Though Jess moaned, Rey backed off, wanting to draw it out, wanting to explore. She slipped lower, licking up the moistness, filling her mouth with Jess. Above her, Jess was playing with her own nipples now, her hips writhing against the bed, her thighs squeezing against Rey’s ears. Rey kept descending until she found her destination, stiffening her tongue to dart inside Jess’s beautiful wet hole.

“Fuck, Rey-” Jess moaned.

Rey replaced her tongue with two fingers, then focused on Jess’s clit again. Her fingers made a wet sound, sinking in and out of Jess in a steady pattern. Jess’s hips rose again and again as Rey licked at her clit.

“Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit, Rey, you fucking goddess.” Jess’s thighs clenched around Rey’s head as she came, quivering around Rey’s fingers. Rey eased off her clit but kept her fingers pumping in and out, adding a third as she nudged Jess’s clit with her nose. Jess’s legs relaxed, her curses quieter now as Rey worked her through the aftershocks. A lick or two over the delicate bundle of nerves kept Jess on her high, twitching through it, until finally she admitted defeat, tugging at Rey’s shoulders.

Rey worked her way back up Jess’s body, exchanging a sloppy kiss before Jess kept pulling her up, up, until she was sitting on Jess’s face, and it was Jess’s turn to go to town.

Rey wasn’t sure she’d ever been this wet, and Jess focused in like a laser on her clit, making her moan and roll her hips into Jess’s mouth. She gripped the headboard, throwing her head forward in defeat at Jess’s onslaught. Rey felt her peak coming too soon and groaned, wanting to last longer. At the same time, she knew, in her heart, that she’d be getting more chances with Jess. She wasn’t a one-night stand to Jess.

Jess’s hands squeezed into her hips, pulling her closer, suckling Rey’s clit between her lips, and Rey gasped as her orgasm slammed into her, rolling up her back and stomach and washing her in pleasure. She felt herself grow even wetter, felt Jess licking it up like a woman dying of thirst. Her nails dug into the wood of the headboard as she rode it out, overwhelmed. When she was able to think, she rolled off of Jess, collapsing on the bed with a happy moan.

Jess was immediately on her, kissing into Rey’s neck, leaving a trail of wetness there. Her own wetness, she thought, happy and satisfied. Jess’s hand was playing over her stomach, rubbing her there, comforting her while keeping her on edge.

She looked down and met Jess’s eyes, which were gleaming in the low light of the hotel room. Jess threw her leg over Rey’s, rubbing her moist folds against Rey’s thigh and moaning lightly. “You need a break or are you ready for round two?” she asked Rey, even as she rode Rey’s leg.

Rey pulled her up for a kiss, their tastes so blended together now in a unique flavor that was them, together. “Round two, three, eight…” Jess smirked, placing a kiss on Rey's cheek. “Ready,” Rey confirmed with a small laugh. She wrapped her leg around Jess’s hips and pulled her closer, and they lost themselves in each other once again.

\-------------------------

Morning came too soon, and with it, the regrets of alcohol.  Finn found a glass of water and some pills on the end table, along with a note from Poe.

_ Thought you might need this after last night. Come find me when you’re awake.  I love you - Poe. _

_ Mixed bag,  _ Finn thought.  _ On the one hand, “I love you - Poe.”  On the other hand, still sounds like he’s dismissing my words last night as drunken ramblings.  _  Finn decided to feed the brooding and irritation.  He was tired of being babied.  He was an adult, dammit.

Finn turned on his heel to find Poe immediately, fired up now.  He didn’t have to go far, as Poe was discussing something with Snap near the market building.  Finn strode up to them.  As always, Poe’s face brightened as he saw Finn walk up, and Finn had to steel his heart against the pleasure that curled in him at the sight. “I’m an adult, dammit,” Finn growled, and poked Poe in the chest.

Poe and Snap both stared at him, surprised.  Snap lifted both hands and walked backward. “I’ll, uh, finish up that report later, boss.”

“What-” Poe started, but Finn cut him off.

“I’m an adult.” Every word punctuated with a poke to Poe’s chest.  Poe lifted his own hands to defend himself, and Finn balled his at his side instead.

“You’re an adult, which we’ve already established because otherwise I’d be getting carted to jail right now for the things we’ve done.”

“I’m an adult.  Which means I get to make decisions about my life.  Like where I live, and what I do, and who I love.”  Finn’s hand unballed briefly and reached up to touch Poe’s chest, to sooth the hurt he had caused.

“I never said you shouldn’t stay here. I just think that  _ you  _ need to think harder about what quitting law school means.”

“It means I get to stay with you!” Finn exclaimed, as if it were the most obvious and important thing in the world.

“You’re making a rash decision!”

“A rash decision led me here! To you.”

“Finn, you have what it takes to be a lawyer.  Why would you give that up?”  Poe was pacing now, unable to stay still any longer.

“What it takes? Considering the lawyers you’ve dealt with in the past, I think I should be taking that as an insult.”

“What about Jess?  You think I condemn her with the rest?” Poe stopped pacing and sighed.  “Look, Finn, you’re right.”  He put his hands on Finn’s shoulders and seemed to ground himself. “You’re an adult.  You get to make these decisions.  And if that’s to stay, to leave law school, I’ll support that. I  _ will.  _  But, you’re making a long-term bet on what we have.  What if you regret your decision?  What if you hate the rain?  What if you miss New Mexico?  What if I do something wrong?  Because I’ve seen you look at me like I’m perfect, but I’m not.  And then you’ll have thrown away a chance for a livelihood on this, and I don’t know if I could live in this world knowing Finn Smith resented me.”

“Since when did I have to be the optimist in this relationship?”

“What if I honestly told you that I think you’d make an amazing lawyer, and that you’d be throwing away that stupidly impressive mind of yours doing grunt work on a farm?”

Finn shrugged. “I’m not fishing for compliments.  I like working on the farm.  I get to nurture, to help life along, bring happiness to animals and people, and well, maybe plants?  I don’t know, can plants feel happy? I mean-”

“Finn,” Poe said, exasperated. “You can help people being a lawyer.  You can bring happiness.”

“Yeah, Leia looked really happy last night after everything went down.”

“That’s not what I mean, not what I was thinking about.  I told you my parents came from Guatemala, but I didn’t tell you they had to fight for citizenship.  And who helped them fight?  A lawyer.  I watched them take the oath of citizenship when I was 16, so fucking proud.  Elisa?  Her dad was deported last year.  You could help people like her, people like my parents.  Our justice system has a dark side, certainly, but it needs the light to balance it out.  And there’s no way you would ever be like Phasma, not even tempted.  I love you, Finn, so I’ll stand by your side no matter what, but it would tear up my gut if that beautiful brain of yours went to waste just so I could have you in my bed.  Don’t give up pieces of yourself to be my boyfriend.”

Finn brooded in silence, because he truly did see Poe’s logic, but the thought of leaving Poe, even for a matter of months until the next summer break, was heartbreaking. “What if I resent you for telling me to go back and I don’t like it?”

“That-” Poe sighed. “That could also happen.  Whichever you choose, babe, I’ll support you.  Please believe that.” He rested his forehead on Finn’s, clasped their hands.  

“Maybe I should take some time to think about it.  Not-” Finn continued quickly, “take a break from us.  Just some time to myself.”

“I think that sounds like a good idea.”

Finn glanced around the parking lot, spotting Jess’s rental.  “Maybe I’ll take Jess back her car.” Both men understood he meant he was going to talk to Rey.

“I think that sounds like a really good idea.  I love you, Finn. Drive safe.”  Poe brushed his lips against Finn’s then turned to walk towards the greenhouses.

\-------------------

Finn was happily surprised when he knocked on Rey’s hotel room door and Jess answered with mussy hair and only a sheet wrapped around her body. “Well,  _ hello there _ , Pava.”

“How are you awake? Why are you here?” Jess answered grumpily, letting Finn pass through the door.  “Rey! Get up.  If I suffer, you must suffer.  Finn’s here.”  Finn heard grumbling from across the room under a massive pile of blankets.

“Finn, turn around so we can get decent.  And start the coffee pot.”  Jess shuffled back to the bed and Finn heard her pulling covers off Rey.

“Ugh, I hate you, Finn,” said Rey as she passed behind him to get to the bathroom.

“I love you too, Princess.”

Jess, clothed in yesterday's dress shirt, panties, and little else, reached greedily for the first cup of coffee.  “What brings you to us on this fine morning?”

“Poe and I had, well, fight’s not really the right word.  But can I just say,” Finn said, glancing at her and then at the closed door to the bathroom, "fucking finally!” He risked a quick hug.

“Okay, Finn, don’t get too excited.”  They both turned as the bathroom door open, Rey stepping out in civilian clothes and taking in Jess’s lack of dress with widening eyes.  Jess smirked. “Your boy is having boy troubles.  There’s a good coffee shop down the street.  I hope you don’t mind if I bow myself out of this one.”

Finn waved a hand dismissively, “No problem.”

Rey walked over to give Jess a quick peck on the cheek and turned to leave, but Jess grabbed her around the waist and captured her mouth possessively.  “See you later,” Jess said with heat in her eyes.

Rey quickly met Finn at the door, her face flaming red.  Finn raised an eyebrow, then a hand at Jess as they departed.

By the time they were seated with pastries and coffee, Rey’s face had returned to its normal pale color, and she seemed to have settled her fidgety hands.  She took a deep breath and blew it out.  “Okay, trooper, what’s the problem with the cowboy?”

“Before I start, I just want you to know that you’re not going to get away with not telling me what went down last night with Jess.”  Rey rolled her eyes, nodded, and motioned for him to go on. “Do you think I’m…” he struggled to remember Poe’s wording. “...giving up pieces of myself to be with Poe?”

“I’m not even sure where to start with that question.  Context, please.”

Finn filled her in on the conversation he’d had with Poe that morning, finishing with, “How can I be so annoyed at him for not agreeing with my decision, and so in love with him because he said he’d support me no matter what, at the same time?”

There was a brief silence as they ate, and Rey looked deep in thought.  “Last night, when you said you were going to stay in Oregon, with Poe… I was disappointed in you.  I thought, ‘Oh, he’s throwing himself away for a boy, how foolish.’  And I was planning on cornering Poe and giving him a piece of my mind about it today.” Finn huffed and started to open his mouth, but Rey held up a hand to stop him.  “I know, I know.  Sounds just as condescending as Poe, and I’m only older than you by a month.  In a way, though, that should be comforting.  You know I love you and want only the best for you, and if Poe is doing the same thing, he must feel the same way.”

“What is it about me that makes people want to baby me?”

Rey eyed him over her cappuccino.  “Honestly, I’m not sure.  But maybe it has something to do with how I knew First Order was not right for you.  You’ve got a purity about you.  Not that kind of purity.” Rey paused to chuckle as Finn blushed. “Like, ‘too pure for this world’ type purity.”

“Poe said he thought I could bring light to the justice system.”

“Yeah, the cowboy is so gone for you, it’s kind of sad at this point.  However, I think he sees your potential.  I think he sees a bright young man who hasn’t yet screwed up his life and is trying to keep him from doing so. I know, I know,” Rey held up a hand again when Finn started to protest. “Working on a farm hasn’t screwed up his life, so why would it screw up yours? Valid question.”

“Do you think that I’m rushing into things?”

Rey laughed, seemingly more at herself than anything else.  “If you’d asked me last night?  I would have said absolutely yes.  But this morning?  Jess and I have been circling each other like satellites for years.  I’m not sure what our trajectory is now, but I do know that I’m kicking myself for not making my move years ago.  Seems like a lot of wasted time.  Who’s to say you aren’t fucking lucky to have stumbled across your soul mate in goddamned Oregon of all places.”  Silence descended again. “But, counterpoint, if he is your soulmate, if this is it for you both, then you have the rest of your lives.  What’s nine months of the year spent apart for the next few years, to finish law school, going to matter?  So let’s assume that, besides having to become really great at phone sex, what you and Poe have is strong enough to withstand a long distance relationship.  Let’s remove Poe from the situation.  Do you still want to be a lawyer?”

Finn pondered the new question, because honestly, the wormed idea in his brain hadn’t really allowed him to separate the issue of Poe and the issue of his future.  “I’m still not sure.  I mean, I’m good at it.  I get it, I understand it, even if I make stupid mistakes,” he said, thinking about the long since destroyed flash drive of sensitive information.

Rey laughed. “Well, we’re 23.  We’re allowed to make stupid mistakes.  What made you want to be a lawyer in the first place?”

“No big story there.  My parents indicated strongly that their preference was to have their son be a lawyer.”

“Finn, I know you’re a sweetheart, but did you really go all through undergrad and into law school just because your parents wanted you to be a lawyer?”

Finn thought back, and came to a realization, stunning himself.  “I mean, it was always the plan.  But...do you remember Slip?”

“Yeah, your old friend from the Academy, left before I started attending.”

“Slip, well, they called him Slip because he was kind of scrawny and always slipping behind in drills.  He let them, used the nickname himself, said it took away the power of it.  This one day, we were about 11 I think, Slip had the flu, sick as hell, and Hux, you remember him I'm sure, was going to make him run anyway, and I literally broke out the rulebook and cited why he couldn’t do that.  ‘Course I had to run Slip’s miles for him, because Hux was sadistic like that, but I felt like I was floating through the miles anyway.”  Finn smile lit up his face, and Rey returned it.

“So you felt good, helping someone out.”

“I did. I don’t know why I didn’t remember that.”

“Sometimes when we get set on a path, we forget about how we started on it in the first place.  I’ve been flying for years, but how often do I go back and think about my first flight?  That feeling of being in control and out of control at the same time, it was amazing.”

“I want to help people, Rey.”  Finn continued to smile as if everything in the world had just lined up perfectly.

“I know.  I’m glad you figured it out, too.”  Rey reached across to squeeze his hand.

“I have to tell Poe!” Finn burst up out of his seat.  Then, plunked back down again.  “Shit, I don’t have a car.”

Rey laughed.  “We’ll drive you back, sweetie.”

Finn settled. “Oh yeah, so about this ‘we…’”

\-------------------

The minute Jess stopped the car in the crowded parking lot of Organa’s Organics, Finn was opening the door and already on the run.  He dodged market customers, looking above them for the cowboy hat, his favorite cowboy hat.  Instead, he found Leia, bagging cherry tomatoes for a customer.  “Leia, where’s Poe?”

Leia raised an eyebrow at Finn’s excited state and smirked.  “I sent him off for some more berries a few minutes ago.  Want me to call him back?” She held up one of the farm’s many walkie-talkies.

Finn paused and thought.  “Actually, could you do me a favor?”

\-------------------

Finn grinned as he secretly watched his cowboy approach, knowing Poe couldn’t see into the copse of trees hiding Finn and the bench, but he could see out.  There was a mildly annoyed look on Poe’s face, and Finn wondered what tale Leia had spun to get him to come out here.  His stupid grin seemed to grow even wider at the thought.  By the time Poe had made his way through the trees, Finn had abandoned all of the eloquent words he was going to say in favor of launching himself at Poe and capturing the man in his arms.

Poe let out a surprised, “Oof!” but quickly returned the embrace.

At the pressure of Poe’s hands on his back, all of the words seemed to tumble out of Finn at once.  “You were right and I was right and isn’t it awesome how we can both be right at the same time?  And I want to help people, Poe, like Slip.  And your parents.  I don’t want any little Poes out there going parentless.  Because I love you enough to be away from you and I’m so ready and willing to take a bet on the long haul for us.”  By the time he got to the end, he was speaking so quickly that even he didn’t understand what was coming out of his mouth, so he just decided to stop and use his mouth on Poe’s, instead.

After a long and pleasurable moment, Poe broke the kiss.  “Take a breath, babe.  What did you decide?”

Finn’s smile made Poe smile, which made Finn want to lean right back in, but he persevered.  “I’m not going to lose you, Poe.  We’re going to make it work, I’m just telling you that right now. Because I’m going back to school, well, maybe not in New Mexico because I need to go somewhere that specializes in immigration and family law, but I’m going back because I want to help people.”

Poe squeezed him tight, looking relieved.  “I think that’s an excellent decision, Finn.”

Finn pulled back to look into Poe’s eyes, serious now. “In order for this to work, though, I need you to stop worrying that you’re going to do something to screw it up. Don’t create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you ever start to worry that I think you’re perfect, that I’m a lovesick teen who thinks their boyfriend is the center of the universe and looks at them like their smile lights up the sun, I’ll just remind you that you look at me the exact same way.”  He returned his mouth to Poe’s as if to punctuate his statement.

Poe’s hand found his pants, unzipping and cupping Finn lovingly.  “See,” he said as he stroked Finn through his boxers, “I knew you had a brilliant brain.”

“I’m smart enough to know you’re wearing too many clothes right now.” They both immediately set their hands to work remedying the problem, dragging each other down to the forest floor.


	6. I almost lost you - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First appeared in Out of Time as chapter 12
> 
> Poe drags Finn out to watch a meteor shower in the first summer of their relationship.
> 
> Set in August of the first year, so about a month after Ben pushed Finn.

“There was one!” Finn smiled at the childlike wonder in Poe’s voice. He turned his head on the blanket to watch his boyfriend’s face. From the corner of his eye, he saw a white streak, and Poe said excitedly, “There’s another one, did you see it?” Poe turned to see if Finn was paying attention, then leaned over for a quick kiss when he caught him staring. “You’re supposed to be watching the stars.”

“Can I watch you instead?”

Poe had dragged him out to the empty Organa’s field after being flabbergasted to learn that Finn had never watched a meteor shower. “It’s like, the best part of summer, Finn. We have to do it!” Finn had agreed, laughing, then immediately regretted his decision when Poe told him they had to be up at 3am for the peak of the shower. Poe had coaxed him out of bed with a kiss and the promise of coffee.

Finn had certainly looked at the night sky before. He’d been out in the New Mexican desert at night. But Poe was  _ fascinated.  _ Within a minute of them both laying down on the blanket, Poe was pointing out constellations and explaining the mythology behind them. “And that’s why you never see the scorpion and Orion in the same sky together. Oh- did you see?”

Finn had caught a bright flash, again out of the corner of his eye. “Just barely. Tell me another story,” he yawned.

“If I do, will you fall asleep on me?”

“Of course not.” Finn yawned again, but he had no intention of breaking his promise. He had less than a week left on the farm before heading to UC Davis. Poe would be so much closer than if Finn had continued his studies in New Mexico, but he would still be so far away, and the farm would keep him tied to Oregon. Finn was counting every moment precious until they had to part.  He grimaced and shifted when the still-healing scar on his back twinged.

“Are you okay?”

Finn wondered if he’d ever get used to someone else being so in tune with his moods, his emotions, his body. “I’m fine.” It was the standard reply for anything involving his back. Finn was trying not to be petulant about it. After a few minutes, Finn noticed that Poe was staring at him, not the sky. “You’ll miss it, babe.” He nodded at the sky as a small meteor lit the horizon.

“I almost lost you.”

Maybe it was the setting. Poe had chosen one of the back fields, away from the main house or the cottage. The only sound was the crickets, and Poe’s steady breathing by his side. But all of a sudden he felt every bit as sentimental as Poe had sounded. He rolled onto his side, running a hand down Poe’s cheek, rough with night stubble. “You didn’t.”

“I wouldn’t have had this. I wouldn’t have known what I could have with you.”

“I’m still here.”

Poe sat up, and Finn met him halfway, Poe’s lips on his so achingly tender. Poe reversed their positions, so Finn was back on the ground and he was leaning over him, still kissing, a comforting hand caressing over his stomach. Finn moaned and shifted as Poe moved on to his neck, brushing his lips over Finn’s skin so delicately, like Finn was made of porcelain and Poe didn’t want to crack his surface. And that was nice, that was so nice, to languish in that feeling, the feeling that he was so precious to someone.  _ But you know what's also nice, _ Finn thought.

“Poe, I want- I’m leaving in a few days. I want us to-” Finn had trouble completing his line of thought when Poe nibbled on his pulse point. They hadn’t had sex yet. Hadn’t even done oral since before Finn’s injury. “I don’t want to leave here without-” He wasn't sure how to put the words with Poe treating him so gently. How did he counter Poe's sweetness with 'I want to fuck you so bad'?

Poe’s face was back above his, searching his eyes. “Are you sure?”

_ Thank god, he got it. _ “Are  _ you  _ sure?”

Poe’s eyes were hot as they met Finn’s. “Baby, I want you to fuck me so badly I can barely form a coherent thought.”

Finn laughed, worried eased. “That was pretty coherent.” He pulled Poe down for an ardent kiss. He couldn't imagine finding someone who was a better match for him than Poe Dameron.

“I just don’t want to hurt you.” Poe’s hand swept over Finn’s side. “I don’t want you to hurt your back.”

Finn eased Poe’s head down to capture his lips again. “Well, I don’t seem to be having any problems right now, so what if you ride me?” At Poe’s look of apprehension, Finn continued, “I'm not going to lie, the first time I saw you on BB8 I wondered what you’d look like riding me instead.”

“Finn.” Poe kissed him more forcefully this time.

“We have one problem,” Finn said. Poe grinned and reached for the back pocket of his jeans. Triumphantly, he pulled out a condom and a disposable lube packet. Finn’s eyes widened, and Poe laughed. “Were you a boy scout?”

“I do believe in being prepared.”

“I appreciate that sentiment so much right now.” Finn pulled Poe down again, and crushed their mouths together. He ran his fingers through Poe’s hair, tugging on the curls. Poe groaned and broke away, hastily unzipping his pants and pulling them down. Beneath him, Finn started doing the same. Poe began unbuttoning his shirt, and Finn moaned in frustration. “Too slow.” He ripped at the last of the buttons to reveal Poe’s chest, and molded his hands over it appreciatively.

Poe slicked up two of his fingers, and reached around to prepare himself. “Fuck, Finn,” he groaned, sliding up Finn’s t-shirt with his free hand and grounding himself on Finn’s skin.

Finn tore open the condom and worked it down his cock, squeezing tight at the bottom to keep from coming at the sight of Poe fingering himself. Poe cried out, and Finn reached up to hold him steady. “You ready?”

Poe’s head hung a bit as he fucked himself on his fingers, then slipped them out. “I’m ready.”  He straddled Finn, guiding Finn’s cock to his entrance and to Finn he felt impossibly tight. He was about to tell Poe to stop, that he needed to stretch more, when Poe pushed down further and his head slipped past Poe’s rim. They let out simultaneous groans. Poe let gravity bring Finn in the rest of the way. When he was fully seated, he was such a fucking sight that Finn almost came. Powerful bare thighs exposed to Finn, straddling him, squeezing him, the muscles rippling. Poe’s button up shirt hanging loose down over them, which was somehow hotter than if Poe had been naked. It offered tantalizing glimpses of the hair on Poe’s chest.

Finn rolled his hips up, ignoring the twinge in his back, and Poe lifted up with his thighs before slamming back down. The rhythm he set was beautiful, so tight and hot around Finn’s cock. “Poe,” Finn chanted. He wasn’t going to last very long, and he wanted Poe to come with him, so he started pumping Poe’s cock through his fist. Poe groaned, his rhythm becoming erratic. Finn watched Poe’s face as he came, that beautiful face only Raphael could render, lost in ecstasy, a bright white streak of meteor passing just behind his head as he threw it back, eyes squeezed shut. Finn wanted to imprint it in memory, use this moment for the lonely nights he was facing at UC Davis.

“Oh, fuck, I love you, Finn,” Poe groaned as he came down, and Finn stiffened with a shout of Poe’s name. Poe rolled his hips to help Finn ride it out, then collapsed on Finn’s chest, stroking everything he could get his hands on.

“Okay, I think I’m a convert to meteor shower watching,” Finn murmured into Poe’s hair, and he felt the vibration of Poe’s chuckle.


	7. A Special Visit - Rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter contains smut. 
> 
> First appeared as the 'epilogue' to the first four chapters, in (In)Dependence. Little did I know the epilogue would go on for another 100k words or so. Then, I expanded on the smut scene for Out of Time. Here it is in one fic. :)
> 
> Poe surprises Finn at UC Davis.

Finn highlighted another court case title, adding it to a list of cases to look up, before leaning back in his chair and rubbing his neck to relieve the stiffness there.  His UC-Davis on-campus grad student housing was simple, and the chair provided was less than comfortable, but at least it was quiet.  He pulled out his phone to check for texts, and of course there was one waiting from Poe.  He smiled.

**Poe:** I have a reward waiting for you when you’re done studying today.

Finn idly patted the gray stuffed cat that held a position of importance on his study desk.

**Finn:** Gimme.

**Poe:** Are you done?

**Finn:** *sigh* Not quite.  Still need to do some more research.

**Poe:** Well here’s some motivation to get done.

Finn opened the picture, a selfie of Poe grinning, angled in a way that Finn could tell Poe had no shirt on.  Finn actually ran his fingers over the phone screen, sighing.  With his transfer to UC-Davis, they now lived only an 8 hour drive away from each other, but Poe had been tied up in winter preparation for the farm and hadn’t had a chance to visit since dropping Finn off in August.

**Finn:** Dammit, Poe.

**Poe:** Get back to work, babe. ;)

**Finn:** Dammit, Poe.

He smirked, then sighed, and pulled the book back front and center again. He was so focused, he didn’t look up for another hour, bleary eyed.  Another text from Poe had come in.

**Poe:** Okay, so I got impatient.

The picture attached nearly made Finn drop his phone.  He could tell it was the small bathroom at the cottage, Poe having to use the mirror to get a full body shot because in the picture, he was wearing nothing except his cowboy hat held teasingly over his crotch.

Finn was about to tap back a reply when a knock sounded at the door.  He slipped his phone into his pocket, shaking his head, hoping to get rid of whomever this was quickly so he could get back to Poe, when he was opening the door, and there Poe stood, in the flesh.  Finn realized Poe had been sending him selfies all day to mask his surprise.

“I got  _ really  _ impatient,” Poe said, and swept Finn into his arms for a kiss.

Finn was laughing with happiness, eyes bright.  “You have perfect timing.  I just got your text. But, uh, I’m not sure if I completely got the whole picture.  Maybe we should recreate it?”  Finn pulled Poe’s cowboy hat off to place it on his own head.

Poe’s eyes warmed considerably. “ _ Absolutely  _ we need to recreate it,” he growled, and closed the door behind them.

Finn pushed Poe into the door as soon as it was closed, already pulling Poe's shirt from his jeans and working on the buttons. He sighed mournfully when he gained access to Poe's chest, molding his hands over the defined pecs. “Skype has  _ nothing  _ on the real you, Poe Dameron.” He grabbed Poe’s jacket collar in his fists and crushed their mouths together, the little sounds Poe was making in his throat driving him positively insane. “Sexting, really not your format either, though the pictures were definitely appreciated,” he continued, already panting.

“Hey, I try.” Poe's eyes burned into his. “You look really fucking good in my hat.”

“You look really fucking good. Period.” Finn moaned when Poe dipped back in, sucking onto his neck in a way that would definitely be leaving a mark, and Finn didn't give a damn. Not when he'd spent the last four months with only his own fingers, only his own touch.

He slipped a hand down to Poe’s jeans. “These are downright sinful on you. How am I going to get any work done when I come and live in the farm with you?”

“Yeah, well, don't spend too long admiring them. Wouldn't want you to have to wait for your surprise.”

“Mmmm, you got a surprise for me, baby?” Finn worked the fly, surprised to see Poe wasn't going commando. Still, it took just a little bit of fumbling with the black briefs, and, ah, god, did the black briefs look good against Poe’s bronze skin, and Finn was stroking Poe’s cock. “My favorite surprise.”

Poe lifted his head from Finn’s neck with a groan, pumping his hips toward Finn’s hand. “Oh, fuck, that feels so much better than my own hand.”

Finn grinned. “I was thinking the same thing.” He continued to jack Poe, watching the older man’s eyes glaze over with pleasure. There was a power in this that Finn liked, he decided.

“That’s-fuck-that’s not the surprise though.” Poe guided Finn’s hand lower, between his legs, to his hole, and Finn gasped when he felt lube there. He dipped a finger into Poe’s hold easily, then slid another in, as he gaped at Poe.

Poe thrust his hips against Finn’s fingers. “Yeah,” he said to the question in Finn’s eyes. “Couldn’t wait. Wanted to be ready.”

“Where?”

Poe grinned. “Truck stop bathroom.”

“Fuck. Fuck, that’s so dirty.” The thought of Poe, bending himself over in the stall, getting ready for him, maybe letting out a moan or two as he imagined this moment -  _ fuck.  _ Finn thrust a third finger inside, scissoring and pumping as his free hand fumbled with his own fly. “Help,” he implored, and then Poe was there, shaking hands helping, and between the two of them, they released Finn’s cock. Poe dug into his pocket and tossed a lube packet at Finn, who tore it open eagerly with his teeth, gritting them with Poe helped him spread lube all over his hard cock. And then, sweet bliss, as he eased Poe’s legs apart and pushed inside, Poe vising down around him, his insides velvety warm and soft.

“Hngh,” Poe groaned, wrapping his arms around Finn as Finn lifted him against the door and wrapped his legs around Finn’s waist. “God, you’re so fucking sexy.” Something like possession flashed through his eyes as he took in Finn’s determined face, Finn still wearing the cowboy hat. “I want to see you in my hat and nothing else.”

Finn groaned, leaning in for a kiss that knocked the hat back, almost off, but Poe caught it and righted it. “Let me just tell you, Poe, the pictures of you in your hat and nothing else were  _ very  _ inspiring.”

Poe moaned, angling his head in to suck at Finn’s neck again, since kissing would push the hat off. Finn grunted, thrusting in, pushing harder, further.

“Baby, you close?” Finn whispered frantically, his orgasm already starting to send pleasure through his lower back, biting down on his lip, trying to hold back.

Poe nodding, mumbling assent against his neck as he reached down to stroke his own cock. His hips bucked against Finn, and Finn lost it, couldn’t hold back anymore, thrusting then stilling inside Poe, shouting out his orgasm. Poe’s strokes increased speed, his cowboy boots digging into Finn’s ass, and then he was clenching down around Finn’s still pumping dick, his cock shooting cum between them.

They stayed there for a moment, panting, coming down from the high, letting their heart beats slow. The hat got knocked off, then, as Finn took Poe’s mouth sweetly, tenderly, the animalistic lust replaced with the love that was always there for them.

Eventually, Finn eased out of Poe and slowly dropped his legs back to the ground. Another kiss, then he pulled away, in search of his baby wipes to clean them up. His breath caught in his throat, though, when he returned. Poe was still leaning against his door, looking absolutely spent and punch-drunk in his post-orgasm state of happiness. His pants and boxers hung below his hips, shoved just far enough to grant Finn access, and now hanging tantalizingly, showing off his resting dick and the V leading over his hip bones. The rest of his legs were still clad in jeans, and he still had his boots on, but his plaid button-down was hanging open, his sheepskin jacket barely clinging to his shoulders, and his own cum was still shiny on his abs. He looked up at Finn through half-lidded eyes, laden with pleasure.

“Fuck, Poe. You look- … Fuck.” The grin that lit his face and added those fucking eye crinkles tugged at Finn’s heart even more. “If I took a picture of you right now, you’d give all those porn models on tumblr a run for their money.”

Though his teeth flashed, Poe shook his head. “Nope. I do not consent. I only want one person seeing me like this.”

Finn stepped closer, lovingly wiping away the cum on Poe’s stomach and the lube/cum combination leaking out of his hole. “Good. I don’t want anyone else to see you like this either.” He leaned in for another kiss, then sighed at Poe’s droopy eyes. Grad housing came with a twin-sized bed, and that was it. “You can have the bed, baby. You’re the one that drove all day.”

Poe’s eyes perked back up, and he brightened, reaching into his pocket, taking out a Motel 6 key card. “Or…” He grinned when Finn squealed.

“Queen bed?”

“Queen bed.”

Finn squealed again, hugging Poe tight. “Ahhhhh, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Hey, who said you’re invited?” Poe laughed when Finn just stuck his tongue out at him.

“Let me just get the stuff I need to study. Are we going to be gone the whole weekend?” Finn tossed the baby wipes away, righting his clothing, then flitted around the room in a flurry of excitement.

He laughed when Poe caught him from behind, nuzzling into his neck again. “Whatever you want. Snap and Leia are handling farm business, so I can drive back Monday.”

“God, I love you.” Finn rubbed the arms holding him, then gave Poe a quick kiss on the cheek and broke away, gathering his things again.

Poe grinned as he tucked his button up back into his jeans. “I missed you.” The quiet sincerity warmed Finn right down to his toes. Hiking his book bag over his shoulder, and handing Poe his backpack of clothing, he reached out for Poe’s hand.

“I missed you, too.” He gave him one last quiet kiss before they closed and locked his door, and made their way to Poe’s truck.


	8. Mix it up: Snap and Finn - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Mix it up, the second anniversary fic

Finn was deep into the raspberries when he heard Snap calling his name. He stood, stretching, and waved. “Over here. What’s up?”

“My to-do list is empty at the moment so I figured I’d come over and help.” Snap walked down his row and settled in beside Finn, started helping him pick raspberries.

They worked in companionable silence for a little while, making progress down the line. “Poe’s been keeping you to himself since you got back,” Snap said eventually.

Finn bit his lip, uneasy. His relationship with Snap was sometimes hard to navigate. “I don’t mean to take him away from you.”

“No, no. I was joking, mostly.”

Silence again.

“We should-”

“It’s just-”

Finn and Snap both laughed awkwardly as they spoke over each other. Finn nodded at Snap to go ahead before turning back to his side of the raspberries.

“It’s just that, um. We’ve been alone for a long time, you know? Confirmed bachelors.” Snap sounded vulnerable in a way he rarely did with Finn. “Just changing, is all. But I’m glad you stuck around. Glad you crazy kids are making it work.”

Finn huffed out a little laugh at that. “Yeah, well. The long distance thing can be a major pain in the ass. But he’s worth it, you know?”

Snap gave him a small smile. “Like I said, you’re both making it work.” He picked a few more berries, dropping them into the basket. “I’m proud of him.”

“Me, too,” Finn replied softly. “We should go out, get drinks sometime this week. I know Poe and I have been keeping to ourselves, but we can break out of our little nest for a night.” He offered a smile back.

“I’d like that.”

“Oh, but not Thursday night, that’s when we’re celebrating our anniversary. My first day on the farm.” Finn blushed, thinking of their first kiss. “We’re getting all dressed up and going out on the town. I never really - I didn’t do prom, or anything, back in New Mexico, but this feels kind of like that. Very, um, well, this sounds stupid, but very adult.” He looked down at his hands and smiled. “Turns out I’m proud of us for getting here, too.”

Snap eyed him speculatively. “Does it bother you? The age thing?”

“Why, does it bother Poe?” Finn asked automatically, his heart beating a little quicker in anxiety.

“No, I- No.”

“Oh. _Ohhhh.”_ _This isn’t about Poe and me._ _Got it._ Finn let them pick in silence for a little while, because Snap had turned away again. Eventually, though, he touched Snap’s arm softly. “Does Elisa know?”

“How did _you_ know?”

“Because I ship it,” Finn blurted out. “And also, I don’t know. You look at Elisa the way I imagine I look at Poe.”

Snap inspected his hands, then moved farther down the row. “I doubt she knows. Why would she even think that I’m interested? I could be her father-”

“Oh come on, you’re not _that_ old, Snap.” Pause. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Okay, so maybe not her father.”

“You would have been ten, that would be a pretty precocious father.”

Snap grumbled something under his breath as he accidentally crushed a berry in his fingers and red juice dripped everywhere.

“So, does the age thing bother me?” Finn sat back on his heels, contemplating Snap’s grumpy face. “No. It doesn’t. It bothered Poe at first. And like, I get that we were at fundamentally different places in our lives, had had fundamentally different experiences, and yeah, he’d had _more_ of those experiences. But we also have the same life goals, and the same timeline for them. So I just happened to want to do the whole committed-relationship-probably-going-to-marry-this-guy thing 10 years earlier in my life than Poe did. Does that mean Poe and I should wait around 10 years so I can catch up? By that logic, I’m never going to catch up, and then our lives will be over, and we wasted all that time.”

Snap was silent for several long moments, the only sounds the berries dropping into baskets and the bees buzzing.

“Just, um, something to think about.”

Finn turned back to his raspberries. After a minute, Snap’s shoulder nudged his. “Thanks, man.”


	9. I Can't Believe You Talked Me Into This - Rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared as Chapter 18 in Out of Time
> 
> Original summary:  
> I recently surpassed 300 followers on tumblr, and asked what people wanted me to write for them. Sexy times for my Organa’s Organics FinnPoe got the most votes! It’s a literal and figurative quickie. ;)  
> NSFW. Takes place on their first anniversary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously this point in their lives is the happy-fun-fuck-like-bunnies stage. :D

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

“I don’t think it was me, I think it was your dick,” Poe said, laughing even as he slammed Finn up against the bathroom’s thankfully-locked door and nibbled at his ear lobe.

“My fucking dick is going to get us kicked out of here,” Finn said on a gasp when Poe’s hand slipped down to squeeze the dick in question.

Finn had gotten home from UC Davis two days ago. After months of Skype sex, Poe had practically dragged him to bed the first chance he got. Then Finn had returned the favor this morning during lunch break. They’d dressed up fancily for their first anniversary dinner tonight, thinking they could make it through the meal without jumping each other. Oh, how wrong they’d been. They had been teasing each other all night. Poe had hastily thrown some bills on the table and took Finn’s hand, walking out - almost. At the exit, he’d veered and led Finn to the bathroom.

The locking bathroom.

“Have I told you lately how much I love your fucking dick?” He rubbed over Finn’s bulge, and Finn closed his eyes against the lovely sensation.

“I think you yelled that at me last night. Repeatedly.”

“Oh, right.” Poe’s lips crawled up his neck and settled on his lips. The kiss was desperate and needy, their breath already coming fast.

“The feeling is mutual, you know,” Finn said when he had a chance, cupping Poe’s hard cock through his pants.

“God, you make me feel like a fucking teenager again, desperate for any little thing, hard at the drop of a hat.”

“Sorry?” Finn was working on Poe’s pants, but the zipper was being stubborn.

“No, this is way better than being a teenager, because now I actually have someone besides my own hand to help me with my little erection problem.”

“I wouldn’t call it a ‘little’ problem.”

Poe grinned as his eye’s met Finn’s. “Aw, baby, for that, you’re getting a reward.”  Poe dropped to his knees, and Finn’s issues with Poe’s zipper became moot. Poe was nosing along Finn’s cock through his briefs, tongue darting out to lick at his lips, lick at the fabric as Finn’s head thumped against the door.

“This is going to be fast,” Poe warned. And with that, he had Finn’s cock free and in his mouth before Finn could protest, not that he wanted to. Poe worked him all the way down, and Finn wished he could never leave the velvety, moist warmth of Poe’s throat. Poe bobbed, and really, he was such a good little cocksucker, and Finn really wanted to tell him that, but he was afraid if he opened his mouth, all that would come out were moans. Moans that would definitely get them kicked out.

Poe took Finn’s hand and led it to his head, and Finn scrunched into the curls that Poe had slicked back for the occasion. Poe would be coming out of this looking a little more disheveled that he had going in - but at least Leia had already taken their anniversary picture. Finn thrust forward into Poe’s warmth, using his mouth the way Poe wanted him to. Poe was doing his best to be quiet, but every few thrusts a little sound would escape his throat and vibrate around Finn’s cock and ratchet Finn one step closer to oblivion.

Poe’s hand left his knee and traveled up, reaching his balls and gently massaging them, making Finn slam his dick harder into Poe’s mouth. His fingers traced along Finn’s perineum, before he thrust one finger up to the knuckle into Finn’s hole. Finn couldn’t hold it back this time, and brought up his arm to moan into the fabric, muffling it somewhat. It all overwhelmed him - Poe’s deep throat skills, the finger, the fact that they were doing this in a bathroom - a fucking public bathroom. Finn gripped Poe’s hair harder and pulled him back partially, filling his mouth with cum as he saw stars. Poe looked up at him, all puppy dog eyes and mussed curls and just the littlest bit of Finn’s cum dripping out of the side of his mouth, and Finn couldn’t resist pulling Poe up to lick at the cum, then sweep his tongue inside and share the taste.

Poe was rutting against his thigh, so Finn reached for a paper towel. He finally,  _ finally _ worked Poe’s zipper down and got his hand around that cock, jerking it fast and hard while Poe buried his head in Finn’s neck. When he began to come, Finn caught it in the towel and stroked him through it, until Poe’s hips were shying away, taking his over-sensitive dick with him.

For two heartbeats, they just stared at each other, disheveled, pants undone, Finn’s hand full of cum and used paper towel, then they broke into action. In less than a minute, they were exiting the bathroom and walking out of the restaurant, refusing to meet the eyes of the hostess. As soon they’d rounded the corner, Finn doubled over in laughter, and Poe joined him, garnering several cautious looks from passersby.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” Finn gasped between laughs.

Poe wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. “I can because I’ve literally been thinking about that all day.”

“I gave you a blow job at noon!” Finn exclaimed, then burst into another set of giggles as a couple gave them wide berth on the sidewalk. “Oops.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking all day about returning the favor.”

“God, I fucking love you.” Wiping away tears from the laughing fit, Finn held out one of his hands, and he and Poe started walking down the street again.

“I missed you,” Poe said simply, breaking Finn’s heart a little as he thought about having to leave Poe again at the end of the summer. Poe must have seen the look on his face, because he squeezed Finn’s hand and continued, “But I’m proud of you and what you’re doing, Finn. So fucking proud, and that blows the missing you part out of the water.”

They continued their stroll down the street, and through mutual unspoken agreement, neither of them ever suggested going to that restaurant again.


	10. Rescues and Strays - Rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: A short piece about Finn coming back to work on the farm during the summer. Rated T for one sweary word.

Finn took a deep, contented breath as he placed stakes for sugar pea vines.  Not that Northern California, especially the Davis area, wasn’t beautiful, but there was just nothing like Organa’s Organics in early June, after the spring flowers but before most of the veggies had come in.  Finn had a feeling he would always hold a soft spot for the way the farm looked in June.  After all, Poe had opened up his life in a way he’d never thought possible here just a year ago.  Now, he had one year of law school left, if he completed some online courses this summer, a residual consequence of his decision to transfer schools mid-way through his degree.  But, he couldn’t help wanting to do work around the farm, at least part-time.  He’d realized as soon as he arrived last week that he’d missed this land as much as he’d missed Poe.

Finn was continuing a steady flow of work down the row of young vines when Poe’s voice came through the walkie-talkie at his side.  Having spent the last nine months listening to that voice come out of his phone, Finn thought that he might be the only person on the farm that noted the fine edge of panic tingeing Poe’s words.  “We have a missing child.  Just reported. Last seen about 10 minutes ago.  Description: 6 year old female, blonde curly hair, wearing a purple shirt with a dinosaur on it. Name is Katie.”

Knowing the protocol, Finn quickly responded over the radio, “This is Finn, I've got the front gate.” This situation had never actually happened while Finn was here, but Poe always covered it in the staff meetings. In the case of a missing child, the nearest farm hand was to close the front gate to cut off potential escape routes for kidnappers and limit the search area.  Finn ran down the row of peas and up the gravel road, reaching the front gate quickly.

He was swinging it closed and preparing to shut the padlock when he spotted a blonde, curly-haired girl sitting on the side of the main road and crying. “Katie?” Finn called, and the girl looked up, then brought her knees to her chest and tucked her head down, crying all the harder.

“This is Finn, I’ve got her, she’s by the front gate,” Finn reported into the walkie-talkie, then walked calmly over to the girl with slow and deliberate movements.  He moved to place himself between the girl and the road, worried about trucks, and crouched down to the girl’s level.  “Hi, Katie.  My name’s Finn.  How can I help you?”

Katie, still crying, pointed at a cardboard box near her. “I-I-I heard it earlier when we were on the the t-t-t-tour.  I thought that… but I was too late...” She faltered and put her head to her knees again, mumbling into them so Finn couldn’t understand.

Finn grimly moved the box closer to them, not wanting to give up his protective position of the girl.  Inside, he saw what he’d feared, a kitten lying still at the bottom of the box, and cursed in his head.  People -  _ assholes -  _  were always doing this, leaving their strays and extras out in the country to either survive or not.  More often not. “Oh, Katie, it’s okay.  I know you tried.”  Finn was going to move the box farther away again, so as not to upset Katie further, when the kitten, a little black thing, stared up at Finn with perfect blue eyes, and let out a little “Mew.”

Katie and Finn both gasped and peered into the box.  The kitten kept mewling, and Katie looked at Finn with such a grin and hero worship in her eyes, as if he’d somehow brought this kitten back to life, that Finn was momentarily struck dumb.  He snapped out of it when he heard the Gator coming down the gravel road.  “Let’s go meet them by the gate,” Finn said, picking up the kitten carefully in one hand and holding the other out  to Katie, who promptly took it.

They reached the gate as Poe pulled the Gator up, a frantic looking woman whose blonde, curly hair matched Katie’s, seated beside him.  She spotted Katie and launched out of the vehicle before it even stopped moving. “Baby!” She pulled Katie into a big hug, tears leaking out of her eyes.  “Do  _ not  _ scare me like that again!  Where did you go?  What were you thinking?”

“I came to rescue the kitten I heard, but I thought it was dead.  Then Finn came and the kitten woke up! Can we keep it?”

Poe came over to examine the kitten, who was barely bigger than Finn’s palm.  “Way to go, hero,” he whispered to Finn, placing a hand on his shoulder.  Finn leaned in to the hand a little, still reveling in his daily proximity to Poe.  He wasn’t sure when that feeling would go away, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted it to.

Katie and her mom came over to them, the mom holding Katie’s hand in what looked like a death grip. “Thank you so much, Mr. Dameron, and Mr. …”

“Smith.  Call me Finn.”

“Finn.  Thank you so much for finding Katie.” She pulled him into a one armed hug, then leaned in to whisper in Finn’s ear. “You are probably going to think I’m the world’s worst parent, but my husband is allergic.  Do you think there’s a way we can get her to leave the kitten without crying?”

Finn smiled.  “You know, Poe, I think I saw a mouse in our cottage the other day.” Poe quirked an eyebrow at him. “I’m sure Katie would love to take the kitten home, but it would be  _ so  _ nice to have it around our house.”

Catching on, Poe said, “Yes, and we have a vet student from Oregon State spending the summer with us, so Melanie could give the kitten whatever care it needed.”

Katie appeared pensive and all the adults held their breath.  “I guess a farm would be a good place for it to live.  Can I come visit the kitty?”

“Of course, Katie, whenever your mom can bring you,” Finn held the kitten down so Katie could pet it.

Katie seemed appeased.  “Okay,” she said, as she gently stroked the kitten’s head.

When they arrived back at the market building, Finn crouched to let Katie get in a few more pats, and was surprised when the girl threw her arms around his chest.  “Thank you for saving the kitty.”

Finn looked over her head with wide eyes at Poe, who was looking at the scene with such longing in his eyes that it took Finn’s breath temporarily. Finn wasn’t sure if Poe even realized he had such a look on his face.

Later, at the cottage, Finn settled the kitten - a girl, Melanie had confirmed - onto his lap.  Melanie had guessed that she was about three weeks old, but dehydrated, so they had fed her milk replacer that Poe had to run into town to get.  She seemed more active, now, pawing around Finn’s lap and climbing up his shirt.  She settled on Finn’s shoulder, kneading little claws into his shirt.  Finn snapped a selfie with her to send to Rey.

Finn heard approaching footsteps and turned to smile widely as Poe walked through the door.  He blew his boyfriend a kiss. “I’d get up and greet you properly, but…” he indicated the now sleeping kitten.

Poe crossed to the couch, sitting on the arm by Finn and leaning over to brush his lips.  “Am I going to have to be jealous of a little furball now?”

“Probably.  I’m already in love. She is going to be the most pampered kitten ever.”

“She have a name yet?”

“Not yet, I’m sure one will come to me.”

Poe grabbed one of his hands and kissed the knuckles.  “Thanks for your quick response today.  Always nice to know people are paying attention to me at staff meetings.”

“Of course.”  Finn paused, then decided to forge ahead.  “Poe, do you want kids?” Poe’s eyebrows raised.  “It’s just, earlier, you were looking at me and Katie like...like it was something you really wanted.”

Poe settled himself on the couch next to Finn, keeping their hands clasped.  “What would you think about that...in the future?  Like, after law school and you’re established someplace? A few years from now?”  Poe was looking down at their hands, his thumb worrying a pattern over Finn’s skin.

Finn’s breath caught in his throat, overwhelmed.  Poe rarely mentioned the future in such a positive way; Finn still had to remind him that he wasn’t going to screw everything up, that Finn wasn’t going to ‘come to his senses’ and leave him.  That Poe was willing to voice such a desire for the future was a huge step for him in getting past his insecurity.  He squeezed Poe’s hand, saying, “When the time’s right, I want to adopt a whole passel of babies with you.  Like, at least ten.” Finn grinned at Poe’s surprised eyes. “I’m kidding. But yes, I want to see you be a father.  I want to watch you teach our kids to ride horses and patch up their booboos and show them how to grow vegetables and teach them how to treat everyone fairly.  And I want to be right there beside you, always.”

They both leaned in to kiss, to seal the deal, but Finn had forgotten about the kitten on his shoulder, and she fell between them, meowing indignantly. Finn burst out laughing and Poe followed suit.  “Let’s get this girl raised first.”

“Sounds good.”

They kissed as the kitten settled down in between them.


	11. Enthusiastic Homecoming - Rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First appeared in Out of Time as Chapter 38
> 
> Finn's List, the next fic, starts with Poe and Finn talking about the night before. This is that 'fade to black' smut scene. <3

Finn shifted, groaning internally, but smiling all the same. The cramped space and unusual smell of the bus was trying to get to him, he could feel it. Still, nothing was going to dampen his spirits, not when it was Christmas, and he was spending it with _Poe_ for the second time, and he could see himself spending it with Poe for the rest of his life, and he was only six months from graduating- _And taking the bar,_ a little, annoying voice in his head said, and Finn shoved it aside. The bus was pulling up to the Salem station, and he was going to be seeing Poe soon, and nothing else mattered.

It was raining, spitting, really, in that annoying way it did in Oregon. Not cold enough to snow (never cold enough to snow, to Finn’s disappointment). As the bus stopped, Finn zipped up the North Face jacket Poe had bought him _last_ winter, when Finn had been woefully unprepared. He snuggled into the fleece lining, gathered his personal items, and tried not to tap his foot as people waited to exit the bus.

Finally, he was out, his backpack heavy on his back as he flew across the blacktop and straight into Poe Dameron’s waiting and open arms. He squeezed with all his might, then leaned back a little so he could lay a big one on Poe’s lips.

Poe sighed, deepening the kiss, bringing Finn closer into the circle of his arms. Eventually, he broke the kiss, caressed over Finn’s now wet face, and traced over the line in his fresh fade. “Welcome home,” he murmured, his arms still caught around Finn, holding him in the most delicious hug.

Then he frowned. “Where’s your hat? You’re going to get sick.” Promptly, he placed his cowboy hat on Finn’s head and smiled. “That’s better.”

Finn kept himself from rolling his eyes as he captured Poe’s mouth again. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated, peppering kisses over Poe’s face.

Despite the fleece-lined coat and the hat, Finn found himself shivering, and Poe reached down to take Finn’s laptop bag and his hand, leading them away from the bus. “It’s a little colder than Davis, I take it?”

“Just a little,” Finn joked. “Gonna need a cowboy-slash-radiator to warm me up.”

“Mmm, mhmm. Well, I think I know where we can find you one of those.”

“Good.”

In the cab of the truck, once Poe had turned on the heater, they got caught up in each other again. Finn lost count of the number of times their lips slid together, happily. His fingers clutched into Poe’s leather jacket, and he groaned. “Fuck, I missed you.”

Breath coming fast, Poe rested his forehead against Finn’s. “I missed you, too, and I love you, too, and if I don’t get you inside me soon, I might go crazy,” he said, sounding truly desperate.

Finn’s cock stiffened, or stiffened further, making a hard, uncomfortable column in his tight pants. “Fuck. Jesus.”

“Don’t fuck Jesus, he’s one of my best farmhands.”

Finn laughed as he sat back, buckling his seat belt. “Drive on, Mr. Dameron.”

\------

There’d be time to say hello to Leia and Snap and Elisa later, Finn decided as he and Poe set down his stuff in the small cottage kitchen/living room with a thunk. As soon as he was unburdened, Poe was pulling Finn into his arms, working at his layers, unzipping and unbuttoning and stripping until his hands were warm on Finn’s skin.

Finn groaned, trying to pull Poe’s clothes off at the same time. “Fuck,” he murmured when he’d revealed Poe’s chest, and leaned in to latch onto one of Poe’s tight brown nipples. Poe’s fingers flexed in Finn’s short hair, scratching lightly over his scalp.

Poe pulled him down the hall, past the unused guest bedroom and straight to the queen Poe’d bought when he and Finn had become a regular thing. It took up practically the whole closet-sized bedroom, but neither of them could bring themselves to care - why not use most of the space on a comfortable place for them to sleep? And fuck?

They were both naked by the time they hit the bed, Finn pushing Poe back, then straddling him, stretching his arms above his head. He looked greedily over Poe’s body, stretched below him, and shook his head. “I’m the luckiest person alive,” he murmured, leaning in to suck at Poe’s neck.

If anyone teased Poe for the marks, well, they’d just have to figure out how to deal, because there was no way Finn wasn’t marking up his man.

Poe groaned and shuddered below him, his cock sliding against Finn’s stomach, leaking pre-cum. Finn reached down to take it in his hand, feeling the steel heat of it, sighing into another kiss. “Baby,” he groaned. “You’re so ready.”

“My hand hasn’t been cutting it for the last few days. My dick knew you were coming.”

“Oh, I’m coming, all right.” Finn laughed against Poe’s throat as Poe’s body quivered with mirth.

“You’re the worst. I missed you so much.” Poe moaned as Finn latched onto his pulse point and sucked.

Finn’s mouth couldn’t provide proper suction because he was grinning too hard, but he swept over Poe’s fevered skin anyway, taking his time, pulling sounds out of Poe’s lips that Skype sex could never replicate.

When he reached Poe’s thighs, he pressed them open wide, pulling a pillow down to prop up Poe’s hips. Without further preamble, he found Poe’s hole and kissed it, running his tongue around the tight rim - Poe wasn’t a huge fan of fingering himself (except when he wanted to surprise Finn), which meant their first time together after awhile always meant a little extra work on Finn’s part, not that he minded. He loosened Poe’s muscles, fucking him with his tongue as Poe quaked below him. He pressed his weight down on Poe’s thighs so Poe couldn’t buck him off, and kept going, mindless to anything else but the gasps Poe was letting out. Finn was suddenly very, very happy that they were in a cottage in the middle of nowhere, and not his dorm room or a hotel somewhere. Suddenly he wanted to get Poe to _scream._

_Operation wreck Poe Dameron._

Poe’s cock was so stiff, flushed red and leaking against his stomach, twitching. His face was flushed just the same, his curls soaked with sweat and plastered against his forehead, his features screwed up in that fine edge of pleasure/pain, his fingers clutching into the bedspread, his back arching and bowing, his abs clenched. He was the most beautiful thing Finn had ever seen.

Finn broke away, gasping, overwhelmed. “Come for me, Poe,” he murmured, before resuming his mission.

Poe stiffened, letting out a huge breath as he spilled over his own stomach, cum painting his abs, making Finn groan. Finn crawled up, capturing the head of Poe’s cock, cleaning him, cleaning his stomach of cum, before kissing up Poe’s chest and folding his still-quaking body into his arms. “Got you, baby,” he murmured, pressing kisses to Poe’s blissed out face.

“Holy fuck,” Poe moaned. “Holy fuck, you’re good at that.”

“So are you,” Finn said with a grin. “Really good.”

Poe stirred, raising an eyebrow at Finn and kissing him. “Mmm, what’s this?” he murmured, pressing his ass back against Finn’s still hard cock.

“I, uh- well. My hand was still working for me this morning,” Finn said sheepishly.

Poe beamed up at him, pressing his ass into Finn’s cock further. “Not seeing a problem here.”

It was Finn’s turn to raise an eyebrow back. “You want to keep going?”

“I want you to fuck me,” Poe replied with a nod. “Fuck me until I can’t seat BB tomorrow.” He turned slightly in Finn’s arms, away from him, the long expanse of his beautiful back pressed to Finn’s front.

“Fuck.” Finn moaned, burying his face in Poe’s neck and latching on again, drawing up another mark. He wanted Poe to feel this tomorrow, wanted himself to feel it.

He rolled over to get the lube from the nightstand and slicked his fingers up, stretching Poe further than his mouth had done. Poe was relaxed, almost languid in his hands, until his fingers swept over Poe’s prostate, and Poe twitched like a marionette. Grinning, Finn spent some more time there, watching Poe jump and moan and press his delectable ass back into Finn’s fingers. Poe’s cock was already half-hard again by the time Finn was slicking up his own cock.

He pressed inside Poe’s welcoming warmth slowly, bottoming out with a groan, rolling his hips, driving himself crazy. He buried his face in the crook between Poe’s neck and shoulder, scenting at Poe’s skin, tongue darting out to lick at the salty sweat, kissing the constellation of freckles and scars and marks on Poe’s skin.

Poe’s ass was thrusting back toward him, driving him faster, and Finn changed their positions, rolling Poe to his stomach so he could press Poe to the mattress and really get leverage. Beneath him, Poe shuddered, his head tossing back and forth, moaning Finn’s name.

The slide in and out was so good, and Finn pressed harder, deeper, pulling Poe’s hips up and finding his pleasure. His brain went offline at some point, as every nerve ending began to throb with the need to come, as each thrust set off little explosions through his body. Beneath him, Poe was touching himself, hand shuttling over his stiff cock in time with Finn’s fast-paced thrusts. Finn’s hips pistoned, and he lost himself completely in the moment, in the warmth that was Poe.

He changed angles and nailed Poe’s prostate, and Poe screamed his name, voice hoarse, shuddering as he came again. Finn latched onto Poe’s neck and spilled inside Poe in a thrust, then another, Poe’s muscles milking him completely dry.

With the last of his energy, he pulled them back to their sides, nuzzling against the slick skin of Poe’s back, holding onto his love as they both came down. Poe’s hand found his at Poe’s waist, and tangled their fingers together. “Welcome home, baby,” Poe murmured, and Finn made a small little sound, pulling Poe closer yet to him, finding his home in Poe’s warmth.


	12. Finn's List - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Christmas fic: A few scenes that take place while Finn’s home for Christmas break, all about Finn’s List of Things to Love About Poe.

Finn wrapped his hands around the coffee mug, absorbing its warmth and mentally urging it to spread through his body as he watched the rain through the window.  “I don’t care what Poe says about the importance of rain to the ecosystem, I forgot that the rain in December is just  _ so cold.  _ ”

Nebula (or Buli, as Finn liked to call her), the black cat sitting in the windowsill also contemplating the rain, flicked her tail in non-response. Finn knew she was still mad at him for being gone to school for the last three months.  Finn smirked.  She was probably also angry about not getting to spend the night draped over one of her humans, given Poe’s  _ enthusiastic  _ homecoming for Finn last night.  Finn’s arms and thighs still burned a bit, a delicious feeling he was happy to carry through the day.  The man certainly knew how to make up for lost time.

As if Finn’s thoughts had conjured him, he heard Poe approach him from behind.  Poe wrapped his arms around Finn, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.  Finn allowed himself to lean into the embrace, sighing. He couldn’t even begin to list everything he loved about Poe, but the fact that they fit together perfectly was topping that list right now. Followed closely by the fact that Poe was basically a furnace by himself.  “Sure you can’t stay home today and keep me warm?”

“I thought you were going to the library, anyway,” Poe replied.  Finn grumbled and Poe chuckled. “Don’t worry, babe, you’ll get used to the rain just in time to go back to the drier weather in Davis.”

“We’ll see,” Finn said darkly.  Poe slowly turned Finn around in his arms, locking gazes, and Finn couldn’t help but smile.  His eyes twinkled with mirth as he teased Poe, “I hope you’re not planning on riding BB-8 today…”

“Considering how thorough you were last night, I think I’m ridden out.”  They stayed in the embrace, Finn nuzzling through Poe’s curls and inhaling his scent deeply.

Finn was finally the one to break away, sliding his lips across Poe’s as he pulled back.  “You’re right, I should go to the library, get some research done while I’m motivated. But tomorrow, you, me, Christmas shopping in Portland, good food?”

“It’s a date,” Poe agreed, grabbing Finn’s hand and pressing a kiss to his knuckles in the way that always made Finn’s heart flutter.

\-----------------------------

The next day, Finn found Poe buried deep in the stacks of the sci-fi section of Powell’s, his own shopping completed.  “Find anything exciting?”

Poe looked up and smiled at the sight of him, and then  _ that  _ was topping the List of Things to Love About Poe. Nothing boosted one’s self confidence like having a person perpetually happy to see them.  “Not especially.  What’d you get?  Or is it a secret?”

Finn dug in his bag and held out a little clay beaver tchotchke holding a little sign proclaiming ‘Welcome to Oregon!’  “For Rey’s collection.”  ‘Rey’s collection’ was entirely made up of the most horrible touristy crap Finn could find in Oregon, just to annoy his best friend.  Rey had returned the favor, sending him the kitschiest things from New Mexico.

“Amazing, she’ll hate it.”

“I know!” Finn replied gleefully.  He also knew that she kept every piece he got her, just like his own collection of dust gatherers lined his windowsill down at UC-Davis.

Poe turned away from the bookcase and held out a hand.  “Lunch?”

Finn clasped his hand, and they started to wind their way out of the huge bookstore.

\----------------------------

“Can I do anything to help?  Quiz you, or something?” Leia set a cup of tea next to Finn, who had spread out all of his materials for the Bar exam on her kitchen table.

Finn sneezed.  _ Dammit, I better not be getting sick _ , Finn thought _.  _ “It’s not really that type of test.  But thank you, for the tea, and letting me use your place.  Buli won’t leave me alone, now that she’s forgiven me,” Finn replied.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie.  I’m just glad we have you back, for a little bit anyway.”  Leia held her own mug of tea, lounging on the kitchen bench.

“One more semester, then it’s only the biggest test of my life, that will totally determine my success or failure as a human.”

Leia chuckled, which was not the response Finn had been expecting.  She saw the surprise on his face.  “Oh, Finn, when you get to be my age, you learn that there are very few singular events that can determine your success or failure.  It’s all about the journey.  And I can tell that you’re thinking ‘What a hippie’ right now. I’ve seen Ben make the same face.”

Finn gasped in horror. “Oh Leia, no, I didn’t mean to insult you, I hope you-”

“You didn’t, sweetie, believe me. You don't get to be a sixty-something year old hippie without growing a thick skin. Even in Oregon, there are too few of us originals left.”

“It's just that I feel like all of myself, or maybe all of the parts of myself that are just me, that are separate from Poe, are tied up in the result of this test. I can't even concentrate on the words of these practice problems.”

Leia hummed into her tea. “Have you ever tried meditation?” Finn shook his head. “When I have a problem, I find it extremely helpful. Here,” Leia said as she moved to sit across from Finn at the kitchen table. “Close your eyes. Good. Breathe in for four counts...one...two...three...four…”

Finn felt himself relaxing as Leia continued to lead him through the exercise. “Imagine that all of the worry, tension and stress about this exam is like black smoke inside of you. Breathe out for a count of three. Blow the smoke out of you, leaving only the light.” More breaths. “Now, open your eyes, and read your problem.”

Finn did, as Leia got up and walked out of the kitchen to no longer be a distraction. He immediately knew the process being asked for in the practice problem. As he started to write, he had the fleeting thought that meeting Leia was one more item for the List of Things to Love About Poe.

\---------

“Poe!” Finn cried as the farmer did something incredible with his mouth. “Poe, I'm going to come. Oh god Poe, keep going baby, oh that sweet mouth of yours, oh Jesus, Poe!” Finn shuddered through his orgasm, aftershocks vibrating through him. Normally he would stay awake and snuggle, one of his favorite parts of sex, but his eyes seemed to close involuntarily.

Poe crawled back up his body, leaving sweet kisses and love bites along the way. Finn moaned, edging closer to sleep. “You're so good, baby,” he said, eyes still closed.  He felt Poe settle in on his side, let out a deep sigh, and started being dragged into sleep. “Your mouth is definitely making the List.”

The last thing he heard before slipping off to dream was Poe's confused voice murmuring, “List?”

\--------------

Ever the thoughtful boyfriend, when Poe had to leave at the crack of dawn to work on farm things - “Yes, even in the winter, Finn.” - he never disturbed Finn’s sleep. But he must have been concerned when, several hours later, Finn was still covered from head to toe in blankets. Finn felt the bed move as Poe sat on the edge to check on him. “You doing okay, honey?”

Finn groaned and coughed. “Sick,” he mumbled. Why did he always get sick on breaks, when he could be relaxing and having fun? His body sucked at timing.

“Oh, pobrecito.” Poe placed a hand to his forehead to check his temperature. “Well you're a little hot, but not drag-you-to-the-doctor hot.  Why don't I get you some orange juice.”

Finn mumbled nonsense in response. Poe brought him the juice, tissues, a farm walkie talkie,  and his laptop.  He sat on the bed again and stroked Finn’s hair. “Try to drink, baby, you need to stay hydrated. I have to run to Salem, but I texted Snap and Leia that you're sick. If you need anything, you can call them over the radio.”

Finn coughed again, but managed a weak smile up at Poe. “I love you.” He sat up a bit, took a few sips of the orange juice, just to make Poe happy.

“I love you, too. Get some rest.”

Poe leaned down to kiss Finn, but he protested, “No, I'll get you sick.”

Poe laughed a little. “Babe, I've spent the last few nights wrapped as tight around you as humanly possible, I think if I'm going to get it, I've been exposed.” He captured Finn’s mouth possessively. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

As soon as Poe could turned out to be a few hours later. Finn was sitting up in bed, a pile of tissues by his side and several glasses and mugs of various liquids on the bedside table. He looked up from the laptop when Poe walked in with a tray.

“You look a little better, babe. Did you get some sleep?”

“Yes, but Leia has been here a ton of times pushing liquids on me.” He indicated the glasses and mugs.

“Well, I have a surprise,” Poe said as he maneuvered the tray legs to sit on the bed. “How about some soup?”

Finn wished he could smell the brown broth with vegetables and beef floating enticingly in it.

“Wait, Poe, did you go to Sam’s?” Sam’s was a pho place they'd discovered on a short day trip to the coast last summer. It was at least an hour away.    _ Well, that made #84 on The List, then: willing to drive long distances just to make me feel better. _

Poe grinned at him. “Only the best when you're feeling bad. Dig in, it's extra spicy.”

“Just the way I like it.”  Finn took a bite, and smiled in bliss. “You know, I know I'm always getting on you and Rey about babying me, but I have to admit that when I'm sick, I really don't mind.”

“Don't worry, tomorrow I'll make you chop wood with me so you can feel like an adult again,” Poe joked.

“After this soup, I just might be able to.”

\----------

By the time Christmas morning came, Finn was feeling mostly better. He woke to an empty bed, and walked out to the living area to find Poe on the couch, teasing Buli with a new catnip mouse on a string. “Giving our daughter drugs?” Finn commented as he settled next to Poe and gave him a good morning kiss.

“She can quit any time.”

Finn snuggled in closer, so content. Poe loving Buli just as much as Finn did surely made The List.  

Poe let Buli grab the mouse and drag it away, turning to wrap an arm around Finn and sigh contentedly. “I love you. Merry Christmas.”

“I love  _ you.  _ Do you want your present?”  Poe nodded.  Also making The List: that Poe was incredibly understanding about Finn’s grad student budget, and agreed to limit their presents to just one.

Finn handed him a wrapped package, and Poe happily tore it open. “Oh, Finn,” he sighed when he saw the contents. “I love it.” It was a framed photo of the two of them, dressed to the nines for the anniversary of their first meeting, taken last summer. Leia had insisted on taking pictures like it was prom, so proud of her boys.

“I thought it could go with the one of you and your parents.”

“Absolutely.” Poe left the couch to place it on the side table by his only other picture. He paused, kissing his fingers and touching first his mother’s young face, then his father's. It was a ritual Finn had seen him complete many times, but each time it broke Finn’s heart a little, all over again.

Poe turned back, seeming to banish the sentimentality with a quick grin. “Ready for your present?”

Finn rubbed his hands together. “Yes, please!” Poe handed him an envelope. Finn carefully broke open the seal, slipping out a piece of paper. He quickly read, then looked up. “Poe.”

Poe grinned wider. “You like it?”

“Poe,” Finn said again. “Spanish lessons with Elisa over Skype? I fucking love it.” Finn had picked up a few words here and there from Poe and the other farm hands, but the first time Poe tried to teach him anything conversational, they had both learned that Finn turned into Gomez from the Addams Family. Poe speaking Spanish was Finn’s kryptonite. All the lessons had ended with two very satisfied men and no language learned. But, Finn wanted to be able to speak to clients without a translator, and this would be a good first step. It was a truly thoughtful gift that spoke to Poe’s absolute confidence in Finn passing the Bar exam.

He was so happy he blurted out, “Okay, this is going straight to the top of The List.”

Poe’s eyes sharpened. “What is this list you keep bringing up?”

Finn reddened. “Uh…” He tried to gather his thoughts but it all came spilling out in what Poe liked to call “that cute excited outburst thing Finn does.”  

“Well I have this list, well it's not a real list, more like a mental list, of Things to Love About Poe. I don't know, I was just thinking about it last week and then all of a sudden it became a like a real list with capital letters and everything. The way you smile every time you see me and how we're the perfect height for each other and how I met every one here because of you and-”

“Marry me,” Poe interrupted.

“I--what?”

“Marry me.” Poe looked a little surprised at himself for saying it, but he kept going. “Shit, I was going to do a thing, take you out, make it special, on New Year’s Eve. But you used my greatest weakness against me: you being too fucking cute.” Poe laid his forehead against Finn’s. “Marry me, because I have a list probably twice as long as yours of Reasons Why I Love Finn.”

Finn looked intently into Poe’s eyes. “Yes. A yes for every item on my list.” Finn’s eyes brightened. “But I still want the New Year’s proposal. Do the special thing, please.” Poe laughed. “Hey, at least you're guaranteed to know the outcome will be favorable.”

“Thank god. It does take a lot of pressure off of me.”

And then they were kissing sweetly, which quickly led to more.  They were stripping off their pajamas before they even got back to the bedroom.


	13. The Proposal - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn tries various methods to figure out Poe’s “surprise” proposal.
> 
> Also, there's a smut scene in the middle of this chapter which originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 30, "Manhandled" that I put into its proper place within the chapter.

Poe signaled the waiter, and Finn felt excitement rush through him.  _ This was it!  _ The waiter signaled the band, who started playing something low and sweet, and the waiter handed Poe his guitar.  Poe stood, beginning to play and sing to Finn as the whole restaurant watched.  The band came out and joined Poe, and the rest of the restaurant seemed to be holding their breath in anticipation.  Poe knelt, and began to pull something out of his pocket -

Finn’s daydream was interrupted by a ringing sound coming from his laptop. He clicked Accept. “Merry Christmas, princess!” Finn sat on the couch, bundled in a blanket because his personal furnace Poe had gone out to feed the animals.

“Merry Christmas, trooper.” From the background, Finn could tell that Rey was still on base for Christmas.  He felt sympathy that she didn’t get to spend Christmas with Jess, even though he knew she would argue that she was doing exactly what she wanted to be doing.

Finn held up a stuffed armadillo dressed in a mariachi outfit to the screen. “Really, Rey?  Really? The company that makes these doesn’t deserve the money.”

Rey held up her beaver tchotchke. “You have no room to talk.  Although, this thing is so ugly, maybe it will cause all the other souvenirs to commit suicide.”

The banter with Rey did more to make Finn feel like home than the armadillo did. He cherished the feeling for a bit as Rey continued to bad mouth his gift.  When she finally wound down, Finn grinned. “I have news!”  She looked at him expectantly, and Finn really wished he had a ring to flash across the screen. “Poe proposed this morning!  And I said yes!”  Finn and Poe had agreed to keep the news to themselves until Poe had a chance to give his real proposal.  Finn liked keeping it secret, like it was something just for the two of them for now, but he also couldn't resist telling his best friend.

“He proposed...today?” Rey asked, smiling but looking confused on Finn’s laptop screen, then quickly schooling her face into a serene expression.

Finn was  _ not  _ having it. “Wait a second, you knew he was going to, but not today.” Finn knew that too, of course, but he hadn't known Rey knew, which meant Poe had been  _ consulting  _ Rey. There was silence as Rey looked offscreen. “Rey, spill your guts.  Now.”

“Sorry, duty calls.  No rest for the awesome.  Have to g-” She cut herself off and Finn imagined her frantically clicking the disconnect button.  He smirked.  He’d find a way to get her back later.

This opened a new line of thought for him, though.  Did he want to know what Poe was planning?  There was a voice in his mind screaming  _ YES!  _ even as the romantic side of his brain wanted to be surprised.  _ It wouldn’t hurt to just make a few inquiries  _ , Poe thought.  He noticed an incoming call from a fellow law student and decided that tomorrow was soon enough to try and find some answers.

\------------------------------------

Finn started with Jess, on the off chance that Rey hadn’t talked to her about his phone call the day before.

**Finn:** Hey gorgeous, how was Christmas?

**Jess:** Less fun without Rey.  But the parents were tolerable.

**Finn:** Good to hear.  So, ready for some news?

**Jess:** Lay it on me.

**Finn:** I think Poe’s getting ready to propose.  You know Poe, all swagger.  But he seems nervous this week.

Finn patted himself on the back for this particularly clever setup.

**Finn:** Have Poe and Rey been talking?  Has she told you anything about this?  

**Jess:** Rey told me that he proposed yesterday.  What exactly are you trying to do here, Finn?

**Finn:** Uh… nothing. Gotta go.

_ Well that went well. _

\------------------------------------

Finn’s next attempt happened to be Leia as he was studying in the main house. She had yet to mention anything about the big news, so Finn was fairly confidant she didn’t know yet.  Finn was sure Poe would confide secret proposal plans to the woman who was basically his replacement mother.

He decided to try a different tactic with Leia. “Leia, how did you and Han decide to get married?” he asked, all innocence.

She looked up from doing the dishes, sponge still in her hand, and got a faraway look in her eyes.  “Han and I, we were never the traditional type.” She chuckled, mostly to herself. “In fact, we danced around the subject for many years, until Ben was born and it was more convenient to make things official, legally.  Sometimes I long for those carefree years, though.  The 60’s, Finn, were amazing. No boundaries, no judgements, no defining relationships.  I can’t stand what happened to the boomers, growing up to be so tight assed and giving birth to an even more tight ass generation.  At least your generation seems to be working in the right direction.” She sighed, continuing to reminisce. “‘69 was one of the best summers of my life. I met Han, we picked up this cute boy named Bach on a road trip to Arizona, and kept driving around the country, just the three of us, there's probably a name for that type of thing now…”

This was starting to go an entirely different direction than Finn had anticipated, and his brain was sending horrified signals to his mouth, trying to get him to say something to stem the tide of thoughts his brain could never unthink.  ‘Uh,” Finn interrupted. “I’m thinking about asking Poe to marry me.”

The faraway look in Leia’s eyes vanished in a sort of parental delight and surprise, with no trace of subterfuge at all.  “Oh, Finn, that’s a wonderful idea!  Are you going to do something big?  Do you need help planning?”

_ Oh, great,  _ Finn thought sarcastically.

\------------------------------------

As Finn was walking back from the main house to the cottage, he spotted Snap cleaning up winter debris in one of the fields.

Determined, he thought to himself,  _ direct questions are best,  _ and walked up to Snap.  “I know Poe is planning to propose to me on New Year’s. Can you just give me a hint at what he’s doing?”

Snap paused, brushing his leather work gloves together to knock off dirt.  “Oh you mean how he’s going to surprise you with horseback riding and camping out at the lake?”

Finn, who could tolerate camping only in the summer months when Oregon had the decency to be a reasonable temperature, and was cautious around horses at best and downright terrified of the thought of getting on the back of one at worst, gasped, and his jaw dropped involuntarily as he stared with wide eyes at Snap.

Snap lasted about 5 seconds before bursting into laughter.  “You should see your face right now.” He winced as Finn punched him not-so-lightly in the arm.  “Dude, I don’t know how you found out, but believe me, you want it to be a surprise.”

\------------------------------------

Finn was still feeling the after effects of his cold,  _ and it’s vacation, dammit _ , he thought to himself as he laid down for a nap. He cuddled under the covers, and felt Buli jump up on his hip, paw a bit, and lay down.  

It seemed like he had been out for only five minutes when he felt the bed shift, and Poe’s arms wrapped around his middle.  His breath tickled the back of Finn's neck.  Finn mumbled a hello, still waking up from one of those naps that felt simultaneously like he hadn’t slept at all and had also slept for twenty hours.  

“Hello, fiancé,” Poe whispered.  Finn smiled, and Poe snuggled up closer to him.  

Finn’s eyes popped open in alertness as he felt Poe behind him.  “Happy to see me?”

“I can’t help if you inspire me.  Don’t worry about it, you sound like you could use some more sleep.”

“I don’t know, all of a sudden I’m thinking of a better pick-me-up than a nap.”

Poe chuckled as he pressed a kiss below Finn’s ear, making him shiver. “Well if you’re awake, actually, I have a question.”

“I’m sure the answer is going to be a wholehearted yes,” Finn replied as Poe continued to nuzzle his neck.

“I was hoping you could help me out with explaining some weird things that happened today. I had an interesting day. First I receive a text from Rey, worried she had blown my surprise.  Then, Leia kept giggling and raising her eyebrows around me, like  _ she  _ had a secret.”

“Leia did not giggle,” Finn said, fighting a guilty feeling in his stomach.

“Swear to God.  Then, Snap sought me out and told me I must suck at keeping secrets.”

“Nothing from Jess?” Finn was wincing internally.

“Just a text that literally only said ‘Grats.’”

“Well she’s never been wordy.”

“So, Finn?”

“Okay, I tried to get some details about your proposal, okay?” Finn  _ knew  _ he sounded defensive and tried to will the feeling away. “I was just curious.”

“Aw, babe. I'm sorry I brought it up, I was just teasing. I thought it was hilarious.” Poe ran his hands over Finn’s body, and Finn felt soothed.

“Well, in the end, Snap was right, I want to be surprised.”

“I hope the experience actually lives up to the hype.” Poe sounded worried, and Finn turned to face him, hoping to do some of his own soothing now. His hands swept down Poe’s spine and it was Poe’s turn to shiver.

“It'll be perfect, because the first one was already perfect.” He felt that Poe was still tense. Finn knew exactly how to make him feel better.  “I guess you've been doing all of this secret planning recently, maybe you need to have someone else take control.”

It was Poe’s deepest, most secret desire, they had both discovered long ago. A strong man who had had to be in tight control of his emotions most of his life, either as the son of immigrants, or the military recruit, or the competent farm manager.  As they had explored each other, they had uncovered Poe’s love of being manhandled, dominated. Finn had also discovered that it was no hardship to give Poe what he needed.

“Yes,  _ please _ , Finn,” Poe said with a sigh of contentment.

Finn grabbed Poe's wrists and rolled, straddling the farmer and pinning his arms over his head.

“Hold onto the bars for me,” Finn commanded, pleased when Poe took his direction, wrapping his hands around two of the bars of their headboard. “Good. If we do anything you don’t like, you tell me.” He waited until Poe nodded, then traced down Poe’s stretched arms until he got to Poe’s chest, all the way down so he could pull Poe’s button up out of his jeans. “Have I ever told you how hot all this cowboy gear looks on you?”

“No- no.” Poe sucked in a breath on a hiss when Finn nipped into his exposed stomach.

“Well, it is  _ a look _ , Poe Dameron, and I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of it.” He popped the button of Poe’s jeans and began to slide the material over his hips, taking his boxers with them. “Course, this is a look too.” Finn nuzzled at Poe’s leaking, straining cock as Poe squeezed his hands more tightly around the bars. “All bronze skin, and brown curls, and hardness, just for me.”

Poe moaned and tipped his hips up, trying to get his cock closer to Finn’s lips.

“Uh uh, hun. You forgot who’s in charge.” Poe whimpered when Finn bypassed his cock, leaving it aching, while he pulled off Poe’s jeans entirely. Slowly, he worked his way up from Poe’s cute bare feet, up his calves, to the thighs that rode so well. Rode BB. Rode Finn. Poe was a superior sportsman in that regard. He nibbled along the sensitive skin at the inside of Poe’s thigh, making Poe quiver and twitch, his cock bobbing all the while. “You’re being so good for me, Poe,” Finn murmured.

“Thank you,” Poe murmured, then whimpered when Finn moved away, off the bed. Quickly, Finn shed his own jeans and tee, then grabbed the lube from the bedside table. When he turned back to Poe, Poe was still laying, arms stretched out above him, cock erect and glistening, button up unbuttoned and splayed open, showing off his chest and stomach.

“Beautiful,” Finn whispered, before climbing back in and kneeling between Poe’s outstretched knees.

“Finn, my cock-”

“Your cock will get what’s coming to it,” Finn promised. “My cock gets it first, though.” He smiled as Poe shivered at that.

He warmed the lube in his hand and coated his finger, spreading Poe’s legs so he had access to everything. He moved in close, pressing a kiss to Poe’s inner thigh before beginning to circle Poe’s rim, grinning when Poe’s legs twitched involuntarily. The finger slipped in easily, even though they hadn’t had sex for several days, with Finn trying to get over his cold and feeling gross. The second finger had Poe moaning, and Finn kept him at that level for a bit, sweeping around to find his prostate, teasing at his rim, watching precum leak from his cock but never, ever getting close to it.

When Finn got Poe like this, sometimes he lost himself in it. Lost himself in bringing Poe pleasure, drawing it out, watching Poe’s reaction for each sweep of his fingers. Eyes squeezed shut with pleasure, hips rocking against his fingers, cock bobbing, arms straining to remain where Finn had told him to keep them. Every inch of Poe in the throes of passion was positively beautiful.

“Please, Finn,” Poe begged, voice wrecked, head thrown to the side.

“Please what, baby?”

“More, please, god, fuck me, please, more-” Poe’s breath hitched when Finn added a third finger.

“Well, since you asked so nicely.” Finn pulled his fingers out and lined himself up at Poe’s hole, both of them groaning when he pushed inside slowly and bottomed out. His hips snapped back, then thrust up, and Poe rose to meet him. Finn reached down to pull Poe’s legs up around him, then leaned in, swallowing Poe’s cries as their lips met. “So good. So good. So good,” Finn panted in his ear, nosing his shirt aside to suck a bruise on his collarbone.

“Ohhhhh, gahhhhhhdddd Finn,” Poe cried on a whine, his whole face scrunched up as Finn chased his orgasm. “Please come so I can come.”

Finn managed a chuckle, somehow, even as he felt how hard, how wet Poe was between them. The idea that Poe was holding back, just because Finn had said so, clicked something over in Finn’s brain, and then he was shouting into Poe’s neck as he spilled inside Poe. He managed to reach down with one hand, growling “Come for me,” and got halfway through one stroke before Poe was coming all over his fist. “Oh fuck Jesus,” he groaned, and collapsed on top of Poe.

Finn grunted as he slipped out of Poe and moved to the side, finding Poe’s hand and unhooking them gently from the bars, then massaging each arm as he brought it down. When he was done, he held Poe tight, feeling the tiredness from his cold catch up with him. He hummed a little as he grabbed baby wipes to clean them up, and Poe grunted too, helping him, before they settled down into the bed again.

“I am thinking...another nap,” Finn murmured, his eyes already closing.

“Told Snap I’d be right back. But he’s good. Whatever,” Poe mumbled against his skin. Finn smiled even as he fell back asleep.

\------------------------------------

Anticipation was riding high through Finn’s thoughts, and he knew Poe could tell by the way the man kept grinning at his nervous movements.  So far, Finn and Poe had sat through a glorious meal and dessert with no ‘surprise’ proposal. Poe seemed to be enjoying watching Finn squirm a little too much.

They climbed into Poe’s pickup, and Finn asked anxiously, “Where are we headed to now?”

“Oh, home,” Poe replied, and laughed when Finn’s eyes bulged. Finn kept his mouth shut.  _ You want to be surprised. You want to be surprised,  _ he chanted to himself.

Back at the farm, Poe stopped Finn in front of the cottage. “Wait here,” he said with a smile, and Finn felt his pulse pick up.  _ Finally! _

Poe knelt, picking up two cords and plugging them together. Finn gasped as a path of little white twinkling Christmas lights lit up.

“Go for a walk with me?” Poe held out his gloved hand.

Despite the fact that it seemed cold enough to snow, Finn grabbed Poe’s hand in his enthusiastically. They meandered down the path, Poe slowing Finn’s excited steps. They reached the end of the light path, an empty field. Finn looked at Poe expectantly.

“A week ago you told me about your list of why you love me. I thought maybe I should return the favor.” Poe swept Finn up in an embrace, keeping him warm. “I love that you know the darkest parts of me, and stayed. I love that you're brave, but not aggressive. I love your commitment even in your youth, and I love that you don't let me second guess you because you're young. I love that I don't have to put on a front with you, that you call me on my bullshit.  You were the first one and only one that sees past Poe Dameron to me.”

Tears were welling in Finn’s eyes, he couldn't help it.

Poe reached over to a fence and flicked a switch. The dark field erupted in light. “We're not technically on Organa’s Organics land. I bought this about five years ago, when prices were low, telling myself I would do something with it eventually.” Poe got down on a knee, still holding Finn’s hand. “Finn, will you marry me, and build a home here with me?” Poe looked unsure of himself for the first time. “I, uh, I didn't get you a ring. I want to, but I thought you should help make that decision. And if you don't want to live here, that's okay, too. I can adjust to wherever-”

Finn fell to his knees and cut off Poe’s rambles with a kiss. He pulled back and cupped Poe’s face in his hands. “Perfect. It was perfect. I'll repeat myself...  _ absolutely yes. _ ” He leaned in again, running his lips over Poe’s, perfectly content.


	14. Shoop, Baby - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: Really silly short fic inspired by seeing Deadpool last night. No Deadpool spoilers, I promise.

“Thank you so much for this, babe.” Poe lifted their joined hands and kissed Finn exactly on his shiny new white gold band.  Poe had a matching one on his left hand; they had decided to both get engagement rings and it honestly gave Finn a little thrill of possession to see Poe’s flash from his finger.

Finn smiled at his fiance. “Don’t worry about it, Poe.  I’m sure I’ll enjoy myself.”  They stood in line to get tickets to see Deadpool, and Poe seemed as anxious and excited as when he had proposed to Finn, which Finn was trying not to take personally.

Finn liked action movies as much as the next guy, but Poe was  _ obsessed  _ with Deadpool. And so even though it was Valentine’s Day weekend, and Poe was visiting Finn at UC-Davis for the occasion, Finn had agreed to spend some of their precious time together at the movie on opening night.

They kept moving through the line, Poe chattering excitedly because he couldn’t seem to stop himself, and Finn just gazing at him adoringly.  Poe’s love for Deadpool had a long history. When he was too small for school, Poe learned and spoke Spanish exclusively at home with his parents.  All of the moves and Poe’s unwillingness to speak some stupid language other than what his parents spoke led to him lagging behind and being placed in English Language Development classes in elementary school.  Poe learned English slowly, teachers having to work hard to get past the chip on his shoulder, until one well-intentioned teacher introduced him to comic books.  She figured they would be a fun way for him to learn to read English, and Poe took to them immediately.  A less well-intentioned classmate had introduced him to the Deadpool comics, which he’d ‘borrowed’ from his older brother.  And that was how Poe’s mother Shara ended up in the principal’s office, a translator explaining that he had told a fellow classmate  _ “Yeah. That is a gun in my pants. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you…”  _  And  _ that  _ was when Poe received a talk about the appropriate methods for ‘courting’ as Shara had put it.  She also banned Deadpool issues from the house, which meant that Poe secreted them the way some other boys did  _ Playboy _ .  

Besides indulging Poe’s obsession, the other reason Finn happily went along with Poe’s plan was that this meant he got two hours of snuggle time, in the dark, and he wrapped Poe’s left arm over his shoulders immediately when they sat down.  Finn snuggled in, clasping Poe’s left hand in his.  As the movie started, Finn enjoyed watching Poe enjoy himself more than the actual movie, but even he was drawn into the action and snappy dialogue.

As the credits rolled, Poe pulled out his phone to check if there was a credits scene, unwrapping himself from Finn.  Finn cracked a huge grin as a “Hey, yeah” introduced Salt N Pepa’s  _ Shoop _ . He hadn’t heard this song in forever. Finn unselfconsciously began to dance in his seat.  He was ready as Pepa’s first lines came in.

“Here I go, here I go, here I go again. Girls, what's my weakness? Men!” Finn was mostly lip syncing, but he just couldn’t help it, by the time Salt came in with  _ “Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that,”  _ Finn was full on rapping and dancing in his seat, thoroughly enjoying himself.  His dance moves faced him toward Poe, and Finn stopped as he took in the sight.

Poe had dropped the hand holding his phone down in his lap, and he was staring at Finn with his mouth open.  Finn felt himself blush.

“No, keep going, please,” Poe said with a grin, having recovered.

“I’m good.” Finn still felt embarrassed.

Poe leaned in to take Finn’s head in his hands and kissed him thoroughly.  “I hope I never discover all the weird, random things that actually got through the protective screen your parents put around you in your childhood.  Because being surprised by them is absolutely one of my favorite things in the universe.”

“What, you knew I could rap.”

“There’s a difference between rapping the Alexander Hamilton parts while I sing for George Washington, and rapping a  _ fucking  _ Salt N Pepa song from, what, the same year you were born?  I have to admit, it really works for me.”

Finn smiled, feeling better. “Hey, I can appreciate the classics. Well then, since you insist,” and, catching the tail end of the song,  _ “So what you wanna do?  What you wanna do? Mmm, I wanna shoop.”    _ Finn bowed to Poe in his seat, and Poe gave him a small round of applause as the credits scene started.  

“I love you,” Poe whispered in Finn’s ear. “Never change.”


	15. Marry me? - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary:  
> This take place during year 1 of the timeline, in between the fics "The Proposal" and "Vows."
> 
> CW: This fic deals with the very beginnings of Finn's anxiety - not a full blown attack, but still there.
> 
> Originally appeared as Chapter 3 in Out of Time.

**Finn:** Call me, please.

Finn glared at his phone. According to the notifications, Poe hadn’t even looked at his message, so now Finn was equal parts annoyed and worried as he walked across the UC Davis campus back to his housing. He sent off another text, then called for good measure. No response, either way. Finn fought back the urge to growl. The long distance thing could be so fucking frustrating sometimes.

He may have closed the door to his room aggressively. Finn wouldn’t have called it ‘slamming.’ No, slamming was what he did to the huge stack of books he’d checked out from the law library, all part of studying for the Bar.

When his phone rang, asking if he wanted to Facetime with Poe, Finn almost ignored it, but his better nature got the best of him. “Hi,” he answered shortly, then softened when he saw the worried look on Poe’s face. “Hi, Poe. Everything’s fine.”

Poe searched his face. “Everything doesn’t look fine. I’m sorry, babe, I left my phone in the cottage, and it was a crazy day at the farm.”

To be honest, Finn wasn’t exactly sure what he’d been mad at, just that this anger had bubbled up at him when he couldn’t get in contact with Poe. “I called because I need you to talk to Kari face-to-face. Have you seen what that woman sent us for flower arrangements? Somehow I’m not getting through to her over the phone.”

Poe winced, but replied, “Yeah, I can talk to her, of course.” Finn got the feeling that Poe didn’t like to come between Finn and the wedding planner. And really, Kari made excellent decisions and was helping Finn out immensely, but not being able to be there in person was frustrating Finn to no end.

“One of us has access to her on a daily basis.  That one of us is you, Poe. I need you to step up and take part in this wedding,” Finn said, his frustration showing. He felt something strange inside him, like he was losing control of what he was saying. “I wish I could be there doing this, but I can’t, so if you want to get married in July, you better fucking help me! I’ve got so much to do with the Bar exam, lord knows I’m not ready at all for that and it’s in a fucking month, and I-”

“Marry me?” Poe interrupted, and Finn was brought up short, his heart rate slowing, his breath coming out more evenly. Poe’s expression was halfway between attentive and anxious. It was adorable.

Finn felt himself melt, and smile. “I already said yes, baby.”

“Then the rest doesn’t matter, right? As long as you’re there, standing across the aisle from me, we’ll be okay.” Poe smiled at Finn tentatively. “I’ll talk to Kari personally. Of course I will. I love you, Finn.”

Finn sighed, anger completely drained. He carried Poe into his bedroom and laid down. “I love you too, Poe. I miss you. Tell me about your crazy day.”


	16. Sub In - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: Turns out, even two years into a relationship, Finn can discover a new side of Poe.
> 
> Contains a smut scene at the end that originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 39.

Finn exited the conference room, mind completely fried.  He had just finished day two of the Oregon Bar Exam.  He wasn’t even quite sure how his brain was putting one foot in front of the other, though if zombies could do it, Finn could probably do it too.  He scrunched his eyes against the bright June sun as he stepped out of the hotel where the exam had been given, brain completely failing him as he saw his fiance and his feet shuddered to a stop. _f a zombie ever met Poe,_ Finn comforted himself, _it’d probably be just as braindead._

Finn knew he should be used to it by now.  They’d been together for two years, after all.  But Poe leaning against his pickup, Romeos worn but gleaming, legs hugged by blue jeans, clean white t-shirt popping out against his golden skin, topped by his beloved cowboy hat, was just too much for Finn’s brain to handle, so another part of his anatomy tried to take over, lust curling inside him. He’d actually managed to catch Poe off-guard, perusing his cell phone, so he just drank in the sight for a bit, heart swelling and grin growing on his face.

Poe glanced at his watch and then up, doing a double take when he noticed Finn there, grinning dopily at him.  He rushed over, taking Finn’s heavy shoulder bag from him and squeezing a hand in his.  “Everything alright, babe?”

Finn shook his head a bit to clear it.  “Yeah,” he responded, leaning over to give Poe a quick peck on the cheek. “My brain is just really, really fried.”  He let himself be led to the pickup, let Poe open the cab door for him, let himself settle into the seat, his eyes drifting closed.  

“Snap drove your car back to the farm.  I wanted to be here for you.”

Finn blindly reached out with his hand, gratified when Poe caught it in his.  Finn pulled it to his lips. “You’re the fucking best.” Poe returned the favor, then dropped Finn’s hand back in his lap to start the truck.

Finn’s mind drifted as they worked their way through the stop and go of Portland traffic. _Should I have answered differently on question 5?  Maybe that wasn’t really a binding legal contract.  No, no, it has to be what I thought…_ Finn began chewing on his lip worriedly.  Poe must have spotted it out of the corner of his eye because he took Finn’s hand again and rubbed with his thumb soothingly.

“Hey, I got to talk to the contractor today.” Finn could tell Poe was trying to take Finn’s mind off of the test, and struggled to focus.

“Every time I walk by the property, I swear it looks more like a house.” _Their_ house.  “Did the contractor have good news?”

“They’re on schedule, amazingly.  Assuming the weather holds out, they’ll be wanting some tile decisions from us before too long.”

It was fun, building a home with Poe, getting to make the decisions.  _Blue tile or yellow?  What would the kids like best?_ Poe didn’t know that Finn was already referring to the planned extra rooms as the “kids’ rooms.”  They’d talked about children, sure, but Finn knew that Poe was going to want to take his time about it, making sure Finn was completely ready, and Finn was verging on impatient, especially considering how long the adoption process took.  This line of thought made Finn chew on his lip again.

Poe tried again.  “How long before we know the results?”

“They’ll be posted online in six weeks.  Coincidentally, because isn’t life grand?  Our wedding day.”  

“The latest messages from Kari seemed like things were under control there.”

Poe and Finn, between their demanding schedules, had admitted defeat early on in the planning process and hired Kari, a friend of Leia’s, to organize their simple farmyard wedding.  It did relieve some stress, but Finn had received the list of confirmed guests recently and his parents had been among them.  To say that they weren’t a close family would have been an exaggeration; they’d never even met Poe, even though the farmer had come back with him to New Mexico to pack his stuff from Rey’s apartment.  Finn worried his lip some more.

“Babe, is there anything I can do to get you to relax?”  Poe’s thumb was circling his palm again.

“Something that wouldn’t get us arrested in the middle of rush hour?” Finn grinned as Poe laughed.

“Preferably.  We’re getting nowhere fast.  How about some music?”

Finn murmured an assent and smiled when The Decemberists started playing.  Before long, Poe was singing along, one of Finn’s favorite sounds in the world, and he felt himself truly relaxing for what felt like the first time in months.

Poe’s phone chimed for an incoming text, and Finn opened his eyes.

“Shit, babe, could you check that?” Poe’s hands were tense on the wheel as he battled the traffic.

Finn pulled up the phone and read the text. “Jeff wants to know… if you’re coming because he really _needs you_ tonight.” Finn lifted an eyebrow at Poe.  “Anything I need to know?”

Poe grinned.  “Shit, I forgot to tell my side piece I was busy tonight.”  He winced and laughed as Finn punched him lightly in the arm.  “Jeff from soccer. I guess the summer league team is going to be shorthanded tonight, but I told him I was busy.”  Finn knew that Poe played soccer in the winter, just a local recreational league with community members.  Summer was obviously the busiest season for the farm, and he didn’t have time to join, so Finn had never actually seen him play more than a small pick up game with Snap and some of the other farm hands.

“We should go!  It would be fun to watch you play.”  Personally, Finn thought it would be interesting to see how Poe, the kindest man alive, played a competitive sport. Finn was imagining lots of compliments to the other players and helping people up off the ground.

“You sure?  I know you’re tired.”

“It’ll help me relax.”

“Okay, text him back.  I’ll have to swing by the farm and grab my gear.”

Traffic battled and gear grabbed, Finn and Poe headed into town to an indoor soccer field center.  Finn was grateful that they were playing indoors as the night air in June was still chilly for him.  The fields were turf and surrounded by tall plastic barriers, kind of like a hockey rink, to prevent spectators from getting hit by errant balls.  Finn settled into a spot on the stands and watched as Poe greeted everyone.  There were whispers near him, “el oso,” he thought he heard, but dismissed it.

Poe in cowboy gear got Finn drooling.  Poe in soccer gear made Finn glad he mostly worked in long pants around the farm because otherwise Finn would be dragging him back to the cottage all the time.  The shorts and tall socks accentuated the shape of his calves and thighs, and the skin tight technical shirt clung to his abs, chest, and back. Poe had started a series of stretches that had him twisting in various positions on the ground. Finn hummed happily to himself.  Now that he was done with school, he’d get to see this sight every week in the winter.  It would make the rain worth it. _Maybe I can get him to wear that outfit just for me._

Finn was distracted from his thoughts by the start of the game.  Poe wasn’t playing yet, so he pulled out his phone idly, never the best person at just sitting still.  He had just opened Facebook when a young Latina woman came to sit by him.

“You’re new here.” The woman held out her hand and Finn shook it. “Hi, I’m Mary.  Dragged here by my boyfriend, you?”

Finn smiled. “Finn.  Fiance, actually,” he replied, automatically glancing down at his ring. Mary, who apparently had no personal boundary issues, dragged Finn’s hand over for a closer look.

“Ooo, very nice. Classy, simple, I like that.”  She sighed as she looked down at her own ring free hands. “Maybe someday for me, you know?”

“I, uh, I hope so.”

“So have you watched soccer before?  You need help with the rules?”

“No, I get it.  We played at my school.”

“Well then, unbury your head from your phone and watch!  It doesn’t get more fun than this.  El oso’s here tonight.  Ooo, look, he’s going in.  That man is _fine._ ” Mary pointed as Finn watched Poe swing through an opening in the wall to sub in for another player.

“ _That’s_ el oso? Poe Dameron?”

“More like Poe Damn-you-fine. You know him?”

Finn laughed weakly.  “A bit.  Why’s he called el oso?”

Mary nodded at the field.  “Just watch.”

He watched intently when Poe got the ball right away, executing some fancy footwork that had Finn lifting his eyebrows.  He raced down the field, dodging players for the other team, and looked like he was going to run right into another player.  Finn grew nervous, and gasped when both Poe and the other player slammed into the plastic barrier in a foot tussle over the ball. The ball was kicked away, and Poe launched off of the wall to pursue it.  

“El oso,” Mary said.  “Es implacable.” _The bear, he’s relentless_ , Finn translated, Spanish lessons with Elisa paying off.

Finn watched as Poe raced around the field, knocking into other players without regret.  In the two years he’d known him, Finn had never seen Poe be so blatantly aggressive.  He swerved, tackled, slammed, and even growled at his opponents.  They came in for half time, and Finn watched, a little shell shocked, as Poe shook sweat off of his curly hair and headed over to grab his water bottle and a seat by Finn.  He smiled kindly at Mary with a short wave, then grinned at Finn, who smiled weakly in response, not sure how to feel about this newly exposed side of Poe’s personality.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah... _el oso._ ”

Poe looked embarrassed. “Yeah, weird nickname that stuck.”

“Weird nickname?” Finn laughed. “You _growled_ at a player.  I can’t _imagine_ why they call you The Bear.”  Poe rubbed his neck, squirming a bit. “I don’t mean to make you feel bad, baby.  I’m trying to figure it out, but I think,” Finn cast a side glance at an extremely curious looking Mary, and lowered his voice, “that _el oso_ might be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” Poe’s eyes widened, then heated.  “What does that say about _me_?”

Poe leaned in to make sure no one else could hear them, whispering in Finn’s ear.  “I think it says that maybe _we_ need to switch _things_ up sometime.”  

Finn shuddered at Poe’s breath along his neck, and nodded, totally getting his drift. In the span of their relationship, Poe had never taken Finn, in fact, _no one_ had ever taken Finn, but now all of a sudden, Finn was craving it.  “How much longer until we can go home?” Finn asked.

Poe laughed, throwing his head back and exposing his glorious throat and it was really all Finn could do to not just straddle him right there in the stands.  “The wait will make it better,” he said, eyes smoldering.  He pulled Finn’s head toward his with one hand and devoured his mouth in a quick, possessive kiss, then walked away to rejoin his teammates.

Mary was gaping at him.  “You know Poe, let me quote you, ‘a bit.’” She laughed, and Finn grinned back at her. “It’s too damned perfect, you know.  Two fine-ass specimens such as yourself, hell, probably the finest boys in here besides my Edgar of course, and you’re both getting married, to each other.  Your wedding photos are going to look like a spread in Esquire.”

Finn laughed, and they returned their attention to the game.  As he watched Poe sprint around the field, Finn was grateful he’d brought his leather jacket in with him, to place over his lap.  It was like the harder Poe played, the harder Finn got, and he knew Poe could tell, too, from his surreptitious glances at Finn with smoldering eyes.  

“Damn, boy, you getting laid tonight. In fact, I think Edgar might be getting laid tonight, just from the residuals.  Like a contact high.”  Mary fanned herself, and it took all of Finn’s will power not to do the same.  Maybe this explained why, even though they’d thoroughly explored Poe’s underlying desire to let the reins go and be controlled, they’d both found the stronger elements of BDSM not to their style. Maybe being flexible suited them better.

When the game ended, Poe hurriedly threw everything into his duffel bag and rushed to Finn, grabbing his hand and dragging him away.  “Have a good night, Finn!” Mary called, adding a wolf whistle.

When they reached the pickup, Poe dragged him against the door and slammed his mouth down on Finn’s.  Finn was tugging, pulling none-too-gently at Poe’s wet, tangled curls, feeling like he was drowning, and if this was the way he was going out, so be it.  Poe was grinding into him, Finn couldn’t help grinding back, and…

“Go get it, el oso!” Laughing and a smattering of applause surrounded them in the dark as Poe’s teammates headed to their cars.  Poe pinkened, raised a hand in acknowledgement, and Finn untangled his fingers from Poe’s hair slowly, making a sound of disappointment.

Poe’s eyes bore into him.  “Don’t worry babe, we’re just taking a brief intermission. Get in the truck.”

Finn hurried to comply, Poe rushing into the driver’s seat and starting the engine.  “How fast can you get us home?”

“Would you object to the first dark private country road I can find?”

“Hell, no. Just get there quick.”  Finn reached across to Poe’s body, running a hand along his arm, caressing his neck, and tugging into his curls once more.  Poe moaned.  He found what he was looking for and pulled over haphazardly.  The minute he turned the truck off, he was launching himself at Finn across the God-blessed bench seat.

“Do it again.  Put your hands in my hair. Pull.” Finn couldn’t believe they’d waited this long to explore a dominant Poe, but Poe had always seemed so satisfied, so happy when Finn guided him, when Finn told him what to do, that they’d never questioned it. Silly us, Finn thought fleetingly.

As if reading his thoughts, Poe lifted his head from the bruising suction he’d been placing on Finn’s neck. “Are you sure this is okay?” he asked timidly.

“God, yes, baby.”  Finn looked up at him with glazed eyes.  “I want you to be my first, my only.”  Finn did as he said, pulling on the curls.

Poe’s breath hitched, and he looked hungrily at Finn, like a feast lay before him and he didn’t know where to start. He made an aggressive sound of pure need, and dove back in.

Finn was overwhelmed with need, with giddiness. He tugged at his zipper, trying to shove his pants off in the confines of the cab. Poe growled and dragged the jeans over Finn’s hips so Finn could kick them away. “Get my bag,” he ordered, words hot in Finn’s ear. 

Finn reached over the seat to grab the bag Poe wanted. Poe took the opportunity to lift up Finn’s t-shirt and run his teeth over Finn’s ribs. Finn landed back in Poe’s lap with a plop, handing the bag over and pulling his t-shirt off entirely. Naked Finn? Check. 

Poe rummaged, then found whatever he was looking for and smiled, pulling out a bottle of lube. 

“Why-” Finn was breathless, and tried again. “Why do you have lube?” 

Poe grinned up at him. “Was going to take you to the river to take your mind off the Bar and everything else. Let you fuck me in our favorite spot.” 

Finn moaned, rolling his hips, rubbing his cock against Poe’s stomach. “Such a smart fucking man.” 

Poe ran one hand over the length of Finn’s spine, coming to rest on the rounded curve of Finn’s ass. “You’re so gorgeous,” he breathed. “How are you mine?” He didn’t let Finn answer, instead drawing Finn’s mouth down to his. He squeezed his hands into Finn’s powerful thighs straddling his lap and pulled away, looking up at him again. 

“What?” Finn asked, breathy. 

“You sure? You- you’ve never done this. You don’t deserve a dirty fuck in the cab of my truck. You deserve a bed and pillows and probably a top with some experience-” 

“Fuck that,” Finn muttered. “I deserve  _ you. _ And  _ this _ is how I want you to take me. A dirty fuck in the cab of your truck.” 

Poe’s lips tipped up, and he uncapped the lube. The sound popped in the quiet tension of the cab, and made Finn’s dick jump in pavlovian response. He drew Finn down, laid Finn's head to pillow on his shoulder as he reclined them just a little, spreading his legs so that Finn’s would open wider for him. Finn felt vulnerable, but he wasn’t scared. He knew Poe would take care of him. 

“Just keep me informed, okay? If anything is stretching too fast, or hurting.” 

“Will do,” Finn breathed into the side of Poe’s neck, placing small kisses there, content to be the one being taken care of this time. 

One of Poe’s lubed fingers began to work Finn’s rim. Finn furrowed his brow and spread his legs further, trying to give Poe better access. It felt strange, but not bad, as Poe probed further, sliding past the rim. 

“How are you doin’?” Poe whispered in his ear, looking down at him. 

Finn nodded. “Keep going.” 

Poe worked him over nice and slow, holding him tight and safe. Despite their earlier words, everything slowed down - there was nothing dirty about this, Finn thought. Just two people, finding pleasure together, slow and safe and happy. 

When Poe was scissoring two fingers inside Finn, he rubbed over something and Finn nearly jolted out of his arms. “Holy fu-” 

“Welcome to your prostate,” Poe said with a grin, repeating the move. 

Finn swallowed, burying his face in Poe’s shoulder and arching his back into Poe’s finger to feel it again. “Shit, I get it now.” 

“Right?” 

Poe’s fingers were running over his prostate again and again, because Poe was a torturing bastard, and Finn couldn’t love him more. He reduced Finn to putty in his lap, a creature living for pleasure at the sweep of Poe’s fingertips. 

Poe’s name was a broken moan from his lips. 

Poe reached between them, pushing down his soccer shorts and letting his stiff dick free. “You ready?” His voice was tense with anxiety. 

Finn looked up, then cupped Poe’s cheeks and brought his head down for an extended kiss, until they were both feeling it again, worry shoved away. “Ready,” Finn breathed out. 

He lifted up to his knees astride Poe and let Poe worry about the positioning. When he felt the head of Poe’s cock at his entrance, he began to slowly sit back onto Poe’s lap, Poe letting him set the pace. Finn choked on his breath when he was fully seated on Poe’s lap again. 

Poe swept fingers over his forehead and into his hair. “How’s that?” he asked, voice strained. 

“A-fucking-mazing,” Finn slurred into Poe’s skin. “You?”

“You’re so- god- hot, and tight- You’re driving me crazy, Finn.” 

“Like you drove me crazy tonight at the game, you mean, el oso?” Wanting a little bit of his bear back now that the hard part was over, Finn nipped into the skin at Poe’s shoulder. 

Poe growled, flipping their positions and pressing Finn into the bench seat now. He met Finn’s eyes, linked their fingers, and began to rut into Finn, slowly, surely, building up his pace. The windows had steamed with fog, and the only sound was their combined breathing, as Finn’s whole existence narrowed down to the man above him, inside him, around him. 

Finn wrapped an arm around Poe’s back and dug his fingers in, and Poe growled again, just like Finn had hoped. Poe bit down on Finn’s neck as he thrust into Finn, his strokes short, sliding over Finn’s prostate every time.  _ Holy fucking- _

Poe came, and the feeling inside Finn was entirely new and strange. He felt Poe’s hot cum fill him up, rope by rope, felt Poe continue to fuck into him, a little mindlessly now, his hips stuttering and slowing and finally stopping. 

He groaned, then reached a hand between them to stroke over Finn’s dick, and that’s what did it. Barely a stroke in, and Finn was erupting over Poe’s fist. “Oh, fuck-” Finn bit off, collapsing against the bench seat, boneless now. 

Poe pulled out, cleaning Finn up with a towel from the bag he’d brought, grinning dopily down at him. 

“I totally get the hype,” Finn sighed, smiling up at his fiance. 

Poe laid back down on top of him, nuzzling in, brushing his lips over Finn’s. “I love you.” He helped Finn back into his clothes, couldn’t keep his hands off Finn for more than a second. When they were righted and ready to go, he patted the bench seat beside him, and Finn snuggled in close, using the middle seat belt. They drove home like that, Poe’s arm wrapped around Finn, holding him tightly, and Finn’s head tucked on Poe’s shoulder. 

Yeah, switching was good. 

 


	17. Broken Heritage - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: Something is really bothering Finn, and he can’t get Poe to understand, but outside help might provide the key.

_ Dr. and Mrs. Findley Smith - Confirmed. _

Finn’s cursor blinked on the seemingly innocuous words.

_ Dr. and Mrs. Findley Smith - Confirmed. _

He resisted the urge to highlight and delete them, as if deleting their names off the Google doc of invitees meant that they wouldn’t show up at the wedding.

_ They don’t deserve to be here _ , Finn thought bitterly.  _ They don’t deserve to be here! They don’t- _

Poe came through the front door of the cottage, placing his cowboy hat on the hook. “I just need to grab a quick bite. We've got Open Greenhouse for the 4-H'ers after lunch. Appreciate your help with that, if I forget to tell you after.”

Finn tried to tamp down on his thoughts.  He’d circled around this before with Poe.  Poe couldn’t even _imagine_ why Finn wouldn’t want his parents there.  He’d added them to the list without a thought.  And Finn had said nothing. Said nothing because parents were a sensitive topic for both he and Poe.  Finn knew Poe rarely brought up Shara and Kes because it still hurt him to do so.  Poe seemed to respect Finn’s wishes in avoiding the topic of his parents, and Finn was just now realizing how big of a problem this was. _Why didn’t I bring this up sooner?_ _… Pay attention, Finn!_ “I'm happy to help the kiddos anytime, you know that.”

Finn chewed his lip, and Poe crossed the room to sit on the couch next to him, placing a sweet kiss on his cheek. He sneaked a peek at the laptop. “Wedding stuff? Something I can help with?”

“I think you’ve helped enough.” Finn wasn’t sure exactly where the sarcastic reply came from, it just seemed to bubble up out of him.

Poe raised an eyebrow. “What’s wrong?”

Finn took a deep breath, determined to speak in an easy, clear manner like the adult he was always reminding Poe he was.  _ No need to be dramatic.  _ “My parents confirmed their attendance at our wedding.” Silence from Poe, who was clearly trying to figure out how to navigate the murky situation.    _ Well, so am I _ , Finn thought defiantly.  “I don’t want them there.  They don’t deserve to be there.” Finn was doing his best not to sound like a petulant child.  It was hard, because his parents always made him feel that way nowadays.

“They’re your  _ parents.  _ Of course you want them there.”

_ How do you make a person who obviously loves their parents understand that not all parents are angels sent from - and returned to - Heaven?  _ Finn shook his head.  “I’m going to call Kari,” he whispered determinedly, cellphone in hand.  “Tell her to uninvite them.  I don’t care if that’s gauche, I just can’t do it.  I can’t have them there, they don’t  _ deserve to be there _ .”    _ How can I even articulate it?  _ Finn’s eyes widened as Poe covered Finn’s cell phone with his own hand, blocking his fingers from finding Kari’s information.

“Finn, I don’t know what’s going on with you right now, but you can’t uninvite your parents.  I know you’re not close, but it’s  _ our wedding _ .  The only one we’re going to have in our lives.” Poe’s eyes were tender as he cupped Finn’s face in his hand, running his thumb over his cheek. Finn softened, moving his head to place a kiss on Poe’s palm.  He closed his eyes, trying to find the right words to explain himself, but Poe talked before he could. “You don’t know how much I would give for my parents to be there.”

Finn moved back rapidly, causing Poe's hand to drop, knowing there was a world of things he should say, but instead blurting out, “You don’t get to play the dead parents card about this!”

The shock on Poe’s face would have been comical to a fly on the wall.  As it was, Finn immediately regretted saying it, but couldn’t figure out how to back track or explain.  Hurt was starting to mix in with the shock and it was breaking Finn’s heart that he’d put it there.  Then, a flash of anger as Poe retreated from the couch, grabbing his cowboy hat from the hook and opening the front door.  He looked back at Finn. “I don’t know what’s going through your head right now, Finn, but if you figure it out, you might want to give me a few hours to cool down before you clue me in.”  The door shut heavily behind him.

Finn shoved the laptop away and held his head between his hands. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he chanted to the empty room.  Emotions in turmoil, he pulled on his boots, knowing he had to go out and help with the students that afternoon. He dreaded seeing Poe, seeing the hurt from Finn raw on his face, dreaded not being any closer to explaining to him why he’d said that.  But when he got to the greenhouse where they would be helping students repot petunias, Finn was relieved to see Poe was nowhere around.

Snap came in behind him, hauling a bag of dirt. He paused when he saw Finn. “Finn, I didn’t think you’d make it.  Poe said you had gotten busy this afternoon.”

_ Leave it to Poe. _ “No, I’m fine. I’ll just get a station set up.”  Finn concentrated on one thing at a time rather than his overwhelming emotions.  _  Dirt, check.  Flower pot, check.  Petunias, check. Gloves- _

“Finn!” An exuberant cry from the other side of the greenhouse had Finn looking up, startled.  Then, he smiled as he recognized Mary from the soccer game a few days ago. A sullen boy who looked to be about ten trailed behind her, head covered in a mop of brown curls that reminded Finn a bit of Poe.

“Mary, hi! Come on over.  You guys here to repot some petunias?”

“Actually,” Mary started, and elbowed the boy in the side.  The boy looked uncomfortable.  _ So _ , Finn thought,  _ maybe not sullen, just shy. _

Finn redirected his attention to the boy and held out a hand. “Hi, I’m Finn. How are you today?”

The boy looked at his shoes, and Finn could tell Mary, extrovert Mary, was getting impatient and about to prod the boy further.  Before she could, Finn said, “Hey, would you help me get this station set up so someone can do some potting?”  The boy nodded and all three got to work, Finn and Mary chattering while Finn let the boy get comfortable. Through cross conversation, Finn learned that the boy was Mary’s nephew, Rigo.

When they finished, Finn said, “Well, now that it’s all set up, Rigo, maybe we should repot these petunias.  They’re kind of in a small container now, and they need room to grow.”

Rigo’s eyes had left the petunias, though, and were staring intently at a nearby box of heirloom tomatoes.  Following his eyes, Finn moved over to the box.  “Would you like to learn more about these?”  

A nod.  And then - “I have to give a presentation at the fair in one month about heirloom plants for five whole minutes, my mom’s making me and I’m so nervous, so could we learn about the tomatoes, please?”

_ Now I know how Poe feels when I get verbal diarrhea _ , Finn thought, as Mary beamed at him.  

“I can tell you all about that, Rigo, but there’s someone here on the farm who’s the real expert.  Do you mind if I bring her over?” Rigo shook his head.  Finn went and grabbed Leia, who had been prepping her own station.

Finn made quick introductions for everyone, and as Rigo turned toward Leia and smiled warmly at her, Finn knew he’d made the right decision.  No one could resist Leia Organa.

Mary pulled him back a bit.  “Thank you, Finn.  He’s just so damned shy, I don’t get it.  It’s obviously not from my side of the family.”

Finn smiled. “Obviously.  I don’t mind, really.  I love kids.” Kids got him thinking about Poe, and the smile fell from his face.

“Oh no, that’s the same look you had on your face when I walked in here.  What’s wrong?”

Finn glanced over to make sure Rigo and Leia were occupied.  Rigo looked like he was writing down every single thing Leia said, hanging on her every word. Finn looked back at Mary, who, even on his first meeting he knew always said what she was thinking but obviously had a big heart.  He decided to trust her.  “I fucked up.  Big time.” He sighed. “No ‘two to tango’ here.”

“I’ve always wondered, do chocolate and flowers work for you guys too?”

Finn laughed in spite of himself. “I think I’m a bit beyond ‘sorry I forgot our anniversary.’ In the past, I’ve known how to express my feelings to Poe, but this particular topic is extremely sensitive for him…”

“Without knowing the deets, let me just say, relationships work because of communication, right?  So even if it’s uncomfortable to talk about, you obviously still need to do it.” She looked pointedly at Finn’s engagement ring. “Can’t let things fester, right?”

“Right.”  It wasn’t ground breaking advice, nothing new really, but it nudged Finn enough in the right direction to have him pulling out his phone.

**Finn:** I’m sorry. I’d like to talk now, if you’re okay with that?  Meet me at our bench?

Finn (and Mary, who was looking over his shoulder) watched the notification go from “delivered” to “read” and held his breath as the three bouncing dots appeared.

**Poe:** 5 minutes.

Mary whooped, probably too loudly for what the occasion called for, because half the greenhouse looked their way.  “Go get your boy, boy!”

Finn hugged Mary - an expression of gratitude that he’d become more comfortable with since meeting Poe, saluted Leia and Rigo, and headed for the door.

Poe beat him to the secluded bench among the trees. He was lounging on the bench, the essence of nonchalance.  Finn knew it was a shield, a shield that had to be put up because of Finn, and he mentally beat himself up once more. Poe gestured to the seat beside him, and Finn took him up on it.

Finn looked down at his own hands. “I don’t talk about my parents a lot.”

Poe smirked, but not unkindly. “This, I know.”

“At first, it was because they had so little to do with my everyday life that mentioning them seemed silly.  I went to boarding school from preschool on. They came for the parent conferences, of course, and I went back for vacations obviously, but when I was little, there was a nanny to look after me and when I was older I started staying with Rey, who had to stay at the school during breaks.  My parents paid very well to basically pretend I didn’t exist, except to mold me into the perfect little imitation of them.  And I didn’t really mind, because that-” He paused for a breath. “That was what life was.  That’s just how it was.  I went along down their guided path, happily avoiding making decisions, never rebelling.”

Even though he knew Poe had every right to deny him, Finn’s hand sought Poe’s on the empty space between them. He sighed when he felt Poe’s fingers slip through his.  “But then I met you, Poe, and I learned differently.  I rebelled against First Order, making big, important decisions for myself for the first time.  I met Leia, and you, and I learned what real parents should be like, what love really feels like.  That’s when I started to get angry.  Now I’ve built a life without them, a life exponentially better than the path I was on, a life they had nothing to do with, and they don’t  _ deserve  _ to come see it and be a part of it.  They don’t deserve to meet you and bask in your awesomeness.  They don’t deserve to come judge Leia and Organa’s Organics, because I can tell you, it will be wall-to-wall polite judgement.  They don’t deserve to be a part of my life anymore, because they didn't do anything to deserve a spot there in the first place.”

Poe remained silent, but his thumb was rubbing the skin on the back of Finn’s hand, which bolstered him. “I guess I’ve been needing to say that for months, but I was holding it in, because-”

“Because of my parents.” And Finn finally looked over at Poe, and none of his masks were in place and it was just Finn’s Poe looking intently back at him.

“I’m so sorry for what I said.  I didn’t even know I had that resentment inside of me.”

“It sounds like you had a lot more bottled up inside of you.  I forgive you. I love you.” Poe leaned over to brush Finn’s lips. “Always, and forever.” He thumbed Finn’s engagement ring.

“I’ll try to stay more on top of things, be better about telling you-”

“Finn,” and Finn looked into his eyes again. “We’re going to fight. And it’s not going to be your fault.  That’s life.  An old man like me has learned these lessons.” Finn smiled a bit. “Besides, I’m sorry that my issues made you feel like you couldn’t communicate.”

“I forgive you, I love you, always and forever,” Finn reciprocated the kiss, then sighed again and put his head on Poe’s shoulder.  “So what about my parents?”

“You want to uninvite them, I say, let’s do it.  Fuck them. You’re right, they don’t deserve you.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but.’”

“But,” and Finn could hear the smile in Poe’s voice, “let’s say they come.  It gives you - us - the perfect opportunity to say “fuck them” to their faces.” Finn laughed, wrapping his arms around Poe and squeezing. “Classily, in our suits and with champagne. Maybe a song and dance number.  Our first dance could be Lily Allen.”

Finn chuckled into Poe’s chest, and felt Poe’s hand stroke through his hair, content.  The feeling that he could conquer anything as long as Poe had his back overwhelmed him. "Okay, they can come. Depending on how the weekend goes, we'll keep the song and dance number on reserve."

"Sounds like a plan," Poe said, dropping a kiss on Finn's head.


	18. On the Strip - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: Finn organizes a joint bachelor party and birthday celebration for Poe in Las Vegas.

_ Vegas was all my idea.  _ A not entirely sober Finn fought to remember that as he stood at the back of the Little White Wedding Chapel, staring down the aisle at his handsome and definitely not entirely sober Poe. 

\---------------------------------

About 24 hours earlier…

It  _ had  _ been Finn’s idea. A joint bachelor party in Las Vegas, celebrated along with Poe’s 35th birthday, a week before their wedding. It would be a quick two-day trip, so the farm wouldn't be understaffed for long; they were taking their honeymoon in the winter for the same reason. Well, that, and Finn, ever a desert child, wanted to skip part of the Oregon winter by going someplace warm.

The flight from Portland to Vegas was quick, long enough to get a drink in but short enough to maintain a jovial atmosphere. The group, which included Finn, Poe, Snap, Elisa, a couple of other farm hands, and Mary, who had become fast friends with Finn, along with her boyfriend Edgar, were all sitting in different areas of the plane, and managing to be not annoying enough to warrant action from the flight attendants, but their excitement was palpable.  They were in a fairly small plane, just four rows across, so Finn and Poe had a little nook all to themselves. Unlike Rey, Finn was a nervous flyer, but he soon realized that Poe had a plan: keep him distracted by briefly touching all of Finn’s very sensitive spots.  

When Finn let out a small moan after a particularly lingering touch, Poe chastised him lightly. “Uh-uh, you don't want everyone else to hear, do you?”

Finn looked at Poe with desperate eyes. “Well then you better figure out a different way to distract me.”

Poe chuckled. “That's true, you've never been good at being quiet, have you?” Poe dropped a brief kiss on his mouth. “Well, if you insist on me stopping… Do you think this is the weekend Elisa finally realizes Snap’s in love with her?”

“God, I hope so. All those longing stares across the boxes of cucumbers… We weren't that bad, right?”

Poe laughed outright this time. “Well,  considering that half the time I see you out on the farm, I want to drag you right back to the cottage, I don't think we should be casting stones.”

“Only half? What do I need to do step up my game? Wear tighter shirts?”  

“Oh god, don't, I'd never get anything done, Leia would fire me, we'd end up homeless,” Poe said with a strangled laugh.

“Well, for the sake of our future hopefully non-homeless children, then, I'll settle for 50%.”

“You have 100% of my attention right now,” Poe pointed out. “And you look delicious.” He was eyeing the burgundy t-shirt Finn wore under the light canvas jacket, as if he wanted to see Finn in only that. For his part, Poe also looked delicious in casual black slacks and a white button up that was undone a few buttons from the top, framing his tan skin and a few curls of dark brown chest hair. Unable to help themselves, they began to make out and didn't stop until the plane has started its descent.

Because the flight was getting into Las Vegas in the evening, the plan was to drop their overnight bags off at their hotel/casino, and continue with Finn’s carefully planned evening. When they got to the hotel lobby, Finn spotted an Air Force uniform and did a double take. Suddenly he was running across the room and picking up Rey, squeezing her around the middle and swinging her in a circle. Poe looked on, sporting a touched smile, and high fived Jess, who just looked amused. Finn and Rey were both jabbering at each other so quickly that no one around them was sure what either were saying.  Finally, Finn held up his hands, stemming the flood of words. “Wait, you're still coming to the wedding, right? You didn't use leave time to come party and skip the most important day of my life, right? I don't need to find a new maid of honor?”

Rey’s smile could have cracked her face. “I've got two weeks! I had to beg and plead and it's only because we're in between cadet classes, so I have no teaching responsibilities, but I get to do both!  _ Of course  _ I'm still going to be your maid of honor. Now let's party!”

Finn checked on the rest of the group, who seemed to be getting checked in okay. He noticed that Elisa was teasing Snap about finding out his room number so she could prank call him.  _ Maybe it's not one-sided,  _ he thought. Mary was zipping around the group, making friends with everyone, and even managing to pull a genuine smile out of Jess.

Finn had planned this night carefully, afraid of what the rest would plan for him if he let them. Besides, he'd left tomorrow night wide open if anyone complained. But he wanted to see the biggies tonight, and had rented a limo to drive them around the strip, to hit places like the Bellagio fountains, the roller coaster at New York New York, and the Eiffel Tower.

As they climbed off the elevator to the observation deck of the Tower, French pastries in hand to enjoy, the group split up among the respective couples, or, Finn noticed, the wannabe couples, when Snap and Elisa broke off to check out the view. He and Poe shared something deliciously flaky and filled with chocolate. Finn laughed when he got a streak of chocolate around his mouth, but had no room for laughing when Poe proceeded to make sure he was clean.

Back at their casino, the group split up to gamble, drink, or dance, depending on preference. Rey, Jess, Finn and Poe found a comfortable corner booth at the bar and caught up on missed time. Finn noticed Poe kept looking out for something, and Finn ventured a guess. “Poe, they're adults, you have to let them find their own path.”  At Rey and Jess’s questioning looks, Finn explained, “Snap and Elisa. They're a bit like you guys, actually. Never jumping in and saying ‘yes.’”

“Never say never,” Jess said, taking Rey’s hand and smiling at her. “Rey has been the best one night stand of my life. Night’s not over yet.”  Finn thought it was honestly one of the most sincere things he'd ever heard Jess say about a topic unrelated to court, and he resisted the urge to go, “Awww,” but Poe still looked worried.

“It's just that Snap’s my oldest friend. And he doesn't have family either, that's why he's on the farm, not to mention he saved my life at least twice in Afghanistan.”

Finn rubbed Poe’s shoulder to comfort him, “It's okay baby, we understand,” he whispered.

Poe sighed, leaning into the comfort. “But you're right, they're adults. Let em be, Poe, let em be,” he said to himself.

“What's on the docket for tomorrow, oh great Master Planner,” Rey asked after a beat of silence. “Do we need to coordinate outfits? Synchronize watches?”

“Is this your way of telling me I'm being too controlling, Rey?”

Rey's face was filled with mock outrage. “Too controlling? Finn “Always Has a Plan” Smith?”

Finn looked at Poe. “Thanks,  _ fiancé,  _ for hopping to my defense.”

Poe held his hands up. “You know I love it when you're in control, babe.”

Jess wrinkled her nose. “TMI,” she groaned.

“As it happens,” Finn said loftily, “I was hoping to sleep in, then lounge by the pool all day. Are those plans loose enough for you?” He softened the arch statement with a smile at Rey.

Rey exchanged an excited glance with Jess, and replied, “That sounds perfect.” Rey started to slide out of the booth. “I think Jess and I are going to call it a night.” They exchanged goodnights and Jess winked at them as they walked away.

“Bed seems like a good idea,” Poe said, pressing his lips under Finn’s ear in the way that sent delicious shudders through Finn.

“I heartily concur.”

As they walked to the elevator bank, though, Finn saw the sign for the pool and paused. “I know it's your birthday, but would you mind indulging a fantasy for me? Early wedding present?”

Eyes bright, Poe responded, “I'm a tentative yes.”

Finn laughed. “Fair enough.” They walked to the pool area, which was open, but miraculously empty.

“Did I ever tell you when I first knew I was gay?” Finn asked.

Poe tilted his head. “Not that I can recall.”

Finn smiled at the memory. “It was Christmas break at the Academy. I stayed behind to keep Rey company. I think we were 12 at the time. You know how Rey’s a huge Jane Austen nut? Well, she made me watch the old Pride and Prejudice series.”

“Made you?” said Poe, knowing Finn’s love for romantic comedies.

Finn grinned. “Well, okay, after I saw Colin Firth, I was all in. Should have realized then that I have a thing for older men.” He winked at Poe. “I don't know if you've seen it, but there's this scene, with Colin Firth, and a lake, and a white shirt… That wet white shirt made me a man.” Finn was tugging Poe’s shirt out of his pants. “And as soon as I saw you in this today, I started having flashbacks.”

“So you want me to get wet?” Poe sounded amused, and Finn knew he had him.

“Oh, yes, please.”

Mischievous grin on his face, Poe took his phone and keys out of his pocket and placed them on a lounge chair, then dove straight into the deep end. Finn clapped as he emerged, a few stubborn curls on his head fighting the weight of the water. Poe placed his hands on the edge of the pool and levered himself out.

“Excuse me if I faint over here,” Finn said on a sigh.  _ Even more glorious than Colin _ , he thought. Poe was strutting toward him now, sultry look on his face. He swept Finn up into an embrace, bonding their mouths together in a long, slow, and very satisfying kiss.  Finn pulled back to get another good look at Poe.

“Was it everything you hoped for?” asked Poe. Finn noticed Poe was staring at his own chest, where wetness had spread to make his burgundy t-shirt cling to his skin.

“And then some.” They held each other for another moment. “But now it's kind of uncomfortable, so I can't even imagine how you feel right now.  Let's go back to the room, take these wet clothes off.” Finn snuck a quick kiss on Poe’s cheek and grabbed his hand. “Thank you so much for indulging me. I'll have to think of some way to repay you.”

Poe's grin was quick and sly. “Oh, I can think of a few fantasies of my own I'd like to see you play out.”  He was whispering dirty suggestions in Finn’s ear by the time they entered the elevator.

\---------------------------------

The second night, the group decided to walk the strip, stopping in at what looked interesting to them. Finn wasn't sure where he had lost control of the planning for this particular evening, but he couldn't help but think that it went back to whatever conversation Mary, Elisa, Rey and Jess had on the poolside loungers that afternoon, giggling among themselves. As they set out for the night, Finn wondered if Poe hadn't been deliberately sent to distract Finn earlier by teasing him unmercifully under the water until they had both had to run back to their room or get kicked out of the hotel for public indecency. Poe had pointed out that sometimes Finn liked to let go and let someone else take control, and Finn couldn’t help but agree with him as Poe gripped the bed frame and rode Finn at a pace that was driving him crazy.

Finn and Poe were still loose, limber, and in that touchy-feely after-sex mode while they waited for the others on the sidewalk.  Finn was leaning against the side of the casino, still warm from the sun which was just now setting, and Poe’s face was buried in the crook of his neck, pressing soft kisses there.  Every once and awhile he moved up to whisper something dirty in Finn’s ear.   _  You fucked me so good.  I can still feel it.  Wanna just make an excuse and go back to our room? _

Finn was saved from answering by the rest of the crew finding them, and Snap groaning loudly, “C’mon, boys, booze now, make out later.”

Poe broke away from Finn and cuffed his old squadron member lightly on the shoulder.  “Just jealous that I don’t need booze to get someone to make out with me.”  He grabbed Finn around the waist possessively, in a manner Finn didn’t mind at all, and they started walking the Strip.

“Don’t worry Snap, I’ll wing woman for you tonight, if you wing man for me,” Elisa added, turning around just in time to miss the pained expression on Snap’s face.

“Ooo, this place looks fun!” Mary was pointing at a nightclub simply called The Cantina.  She looked up at Edgar with stars in her eyes and arched an eyebrow.  “Dancing, mi corazon?”

“Let’s do it,” Rey agreed.  Finn wasn’t sure why he’d been surprised that Rey had bonded as quickly with Mary as he had, but he was pleased.  

Inside The Cantina, shots were ordered and downed, and the group sang a horribly off-key rendition of Happy Birthday for Poe.  Rey pulled Finn up into an empty go-go cage, to the whoops of everyone around.  They fell into the rhythm of their old two person dance party moves back at the Academy.  Exhausted and dripping with sweat, Poe and Jess finally helped them out of the cage.  Poe pulled Finn into a close embrace, moving him in a bit of a slow dance despite the grinding techno pouring out of the speakers.  

“Shall we move on?” shouted Rey over the sound.

“After this,” Snap said, coming up to the group with a last round of shots.

Pleasantly buzzed, Poe and Finn leaned into each other as they walked down the Strip through the perfectly warm desert night air.

“Snap, look!  ‘Ladies, ladies, ladies!’” Elisa pointed to a garish neon sign flashing the message.  “Does that mean it’s classier than “girls, girls, girls?”

“Jabba’s Palace,” Snap read.  “‘Live entertainment - only the best at Jabba’s.’”

“I’m down,” Jess said, making everyone laugh.

“What do you think, can you handle it, boys?” Snap asked Finn and Poe.

“Whatever, I’ll just take Poe to a dark corner and provide my own entertainment.”

Despite the name, Jabba’s Palace was not the classiest strip joint on the inside.  After sitting back with more drinks to watch a few performances, Snap insisted on buying a lap dance for the birthday boy. Finn watched as the buxom blonde bounced on Poe’s lap and everyone in their party laughed hysterically. When the lap dance had started, Poe had been shy, pink in the face and holding up his hands defensively. But drunk Poe was nothing if not down for shenanigans, and he started gyrating back, to the whoops and hollers of everyone else. Poe caught Finn’s eye and winked at him, maneuvering the girl in front of Snap and bumping and grinding his way over to Finn, which caused another round of yells. Poe pulled Finn up out of his own seat, lacing Finn’s arms around his neck and rolling his hips. Finn laughed, he couldn't help it, and performed a few hip rolls of his own, before sloppily taking Poe’s mouth with his. A deafening cheer went up.

“Birthday boy, I think you're owed a lap dance by someone a little more to your preference.” Finn dragged Poe back to the chair. “I mean, if the elderly can still enjoy this kind of thing.” Finn’s birthday was in September, so for two months a year, Poe was a full decade older than Finn, and Finn ribbed him about it for the entire two months.  “The best thing? I'm free  _ and  _ you get to touch the merchandise.”

Poe had the dorkiest, happiest smile on his face, and he leaned back, relaxing. He patted his thighs and wiggled his eyebrows. “Come here, baby.”

Someone started the chant. Finn was pretty sure it was Mary. “Finn!” “Finn!” “Finn!” Even the stripper joined in.

Gyrating in time with the chants, Finn straddled Poe and placed a long lick up his neck. He felt Poe’s pulse jump. Poe's hands found the hem of his t-shirt, lifting it and running his hands all the way up Finn’s chest.  Finn shuddered, rotating his hips so that Poe moaned.  The sound reminded Finn they had an audience, and he placed a quick kiss on Poe’s lips before standing up to applause.

“Let’s hit another club,” Snap yelled, and the crowd agreed, closing up tabs and getting ready to move on.

Poe joined Finn as they headed for the door, immediately clasping hands as if physical contact with Finn sustained him in life.  

“Let’s head this way,” Jess called, dragging Rey along.

The group stumbled along, pleasantly drunk, finding a nightclub with dark corners that suited their mood.  Poe took the opportunity to reward Finn for the lap dance by sitting on his lap and kissing him with a fervor Finn wouldn’t have thought possible given their lack of sobriety.  Finn’s fingers had just found their favorite spot, wrapped through Poe’s curls, when Poe pulled back, looking intently into Finn’s eyes.

“This is probably the alcohol talking, but I can’t believe I get to marry you next week.” Finn softened, touched. Poe continued. “Can I confess something?” Finn nodded. “I can’t figure out the right words for the vows.  Everything I write seems like it’s insignificant.  It’s not enough to explain how I feel about you.” He leaned his forehead against Finn’s.

Finn made a comforting noise. “You could just repeat your proposal, and I’d be happy.  Hell, Poe, all you have to do is show up on the opposite side of the aisle and I’ll be happy.”

Poe leaned his head on Finn’s shoulder, sighing.  “See, perfect.  God, Finn, I can’t wait until you’re mine, legally.” Poe laughed at himself. “I know that sounds archaic, but I can’t help it.  Everyone will know that you belong to me and I belong to you.”

“Everyone already does, love.”

“I guess that’s true.  I know people are supposed to be nervous about their wedding day.  Are they supposed to be impatient?  Because it seems like this is going to be the longest week ever.”

“Well, we are in Vegas.  We could get married tonight if we wanted.”

A very bright eyed and somewhat disheveled Jess and Rey interrupted them, then.  “We’re hoping to move along, are you guys ready?” Rey asked a little breathlessly. Finn and Poe nodded. “Can you guys find Snap and Elisa?  We’ve rounded everyone else up.”

“Of course,” Finn replied. Poe stood and offered a hand to him, he took it as was natural, and they started to search the dark corners of the club.  It took a little while to find Snap and Elisa, but finally Finn and Poe ran across the pair as they were coming down the hallway from the bathrooms, looking flushed.

“Hey, we were looking for you guys,” Finn started. “Uh, Elisa, did you know your shirt is inside out?” Elisa let out a gasp, glared at Snap, and ran back to the bathroom.  

Poe raised an eyebrow at Snap.  “So you finally made your fucking move, huh?”

Snap crossed his arms over his chest, a move Finn knew meant nerves on him.  “Yeah, great fucking move. She was already using that “what happens in Vegas” tagline bullshit when we met you guys.”

Poe and Finn both winced in sympathy.  “I’m sorry, buddy.  Still, might as well make the best use of the time you have left then, huh?” Poe nodded down the hall as Elisa emerged from the bathroom.

When they had grouped everyone back together, one contingent decided to head back to their casino.  Surprisingly, Rey and Jess protested, but they could also tell that some of the party was looking a little worse for wear, including Mary, who was using Edgar as a support.

Poe looked at Finn to see what he wanted to do, and Finn replied, “Let’s stay out a bit longer, we only get to have a bachelor party once.”

Poe leaned in and whispered, “You’ve been teasing me all night.  I’m the birthday boy, don’t I get to choose when to call it a night so I can get some alone time with you?”  

“Good things come to those who wait, right?” He grinned cheekily at Poe.

“I’m trying to think of a good pun on “come” there, but I may have had too many shots.” Finn laughed at Poe’s consternation.

“Come on, birthday boy.  A few songs at the next place and we can bow out.”

Puppy dog eyes from Poe. “Promise?”

Finn pulled their joined hands up to kiss Poe’s knuckles.  “Promise.”

After the divide, only three couples remained: Finn and Poe, Jess and Rey, and Snap and Elisa.  Snap seemed to have taken Poe’s words to heart, although now that they were out in the public, Finn could tell Elisa was distancing herself.

They walked, Rey and Jess leading the way.  Suddenly, Rey gasped loudly. “Look!  It’s A Little White Wedding Chapel!” Sure enough, a white sign proclaimed the building, with its drive through wedding services. “Let’s go check it out!  A ton of celebrities have gotten married there!”

Despite the hour, the Chapel was a hopping place, although there were other tourists just like them.  Finn found Poe looking over the prices for services.

“A lot cheaper than what we’re paying Kari,” Poe said.

“True.” Finn searched Poe’s face, trying to determine if this was something he was actually serious about. “But, Poe,” Finn covered Poe’s hand with his, “it’s not us.”

“That’s true.”

“Also, Leia would straight up kill us.”

“Also true.  And incredibly convincing.”  Poe turned away from the prices and leaned in to brush his lips across Finn’s. “One more week, that’s all.”

“We can totally last one more week.”

“Come on, let’s find the others and get out of here before we’re tempted further by the siren’s call of an easy wedding.”  As they were walking toward the entrance, they ran across Jess, who was holding some paperwork.

“Have you seen Rey?  I have it all done.”  Jess looked nervous, or maybe excited.

“Jess!” Rey came bursting around the corner clutching a little bouquet of flowers.

“Wha….what’s going on?” Finn said, even though he was starting to put two and two together as Snap and Elisa walked up.

“We’re getting married!” Jess and Rey exclaimed at the same time.  There may have been squealing involved.

“Uh…”

Rey took pity on Finn and dragged him away from the group.  “Look, Finn, I know this seems sudden, but we’ve been talking about this for months.  When you planned the bachelor’s party, it seemed like the perfect opportunity.  Uh, you're not mad at me for co-opting your bachelor-birthday party, right?”

Finn gripped Rey’s shoulders, looking down into her earnest eyes.  “Are you sure about this?  How much alcohol have you had?”

Rey laughed, a pretty, happy sound. “Oh, trooper, you’ve been too wrapped up in Poe tonight - who am I kidding, you’re wrapped up in him all the time - to notice that Jess and I haven’t been drinking.”

“You haven’t?  How did you avoid the shots?  Are you some kind of ninja?”

“Yes.”

Finn continued to search Rey’s eyes.  “You sure, Princess?”

Rey nodded. “Yes.”

“Well okay, then. Of course I'm not mad at you for turning this into your wedding.”  Finn wrapped her in a warm hug.

Rey pulled back to look up at him again.  “Troo- Finn, would you walk me down the aisle?” She was holding her breath.

Finn felt himself tear up a bit. “Yes, of course.”

\---------------------------------

_ Vegas was all my idea.  _ A not entirely sober Finn fought to remember that as he stood at the back of A Little White Wedding Chapel, staring down the aisle at his handsome and definitely not entirely sober Poe.  He grinned and turned to the side.

He held out his arm to Rey, beaming down at her.  She was looking down the aisle just as radiantly at Jess. A recording of the wedding march started to play, and they walked down the aisle, passing the row holding Snap and Elisa, making their way to Poe and Jess.  At the end, he passed her off to Jess, and sat down with Poe.  They leaned into each other as they watched Elvis marry Finn’s best friends.

\---------------------------------

Finn would realize his mistake immediately the next morning, of course.  In the many years that followed, when Finn discussed his married life with Rey, she would always bring up the fact that she had been married for  _ so much longer  _ than Finn - a whole week - and was therefore wiser.


	19. Vows - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary:  
> Pretty obviously The Wedding Fic. :)  
> Alternately: 5 times Poe overhears a conversation including Finn, and 1 time no one needed to eavesdrop on anything, because their vows say it all.
> 
> Tags: Cancer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcanon casting for Finn’s parents are Andre Braugher (stern and commanding, like Captain Holt from Brooklyn 99) and Phylicia Rashad (strong but reserved, like Lena Younger from A Raisin in the Sun), aged whatever would make them appropriate for Finn’s parents.

**5 days to The Big Event**

_ Finn, I know I already told you, but for the crowd,” Poe paused, and flashed his charming smile at the rows of seated guests, then turned tender eyes back to Finn. “I had a hard time finding the right words for today. I think it’s because I have too many things to say.  How can I condense this feeling into a small set of words? But I’ll give it my best shot...” _

Finn sighed, feeling a heavy weight on his hip as he was sliding out of sleep.  He smiled a bit, preparing to turn around and greet Poe, when the weight on his hip became sharp, painful, and he yelped.  Looking down the bed, he saw Buli kneading, claws going through the thin sheet and cotton pajama pants he wore and biting into his skin.  “Buli!” He sat up, dislodging her, and she glared at him with her pretty blue eyes, so he began to run his hands along her fur.  “Well, that’s not the type of wake up call I was hoping for.  And, it’s raining.  Of course it’s raining,” Finn noted as he looked out the window.  He sighed. “But it’s not going to rain on Saturday.  And everything is going to be fine, and perfect, and there will be no drama, and we won’t have to move it indoors, because who wants to be indoors in July.”  Buli blinked at him in that way cats do, happy to be petted even if their human was making a lot of noise.

“Don’t worry, babe,” Poe said from the hallway door, shirtless and looking like he’d just come fresh from the shower. “I checked the forecast.  Clear and sunny, and hopefully not too hot, on Saturday.  It  _ will  _ be fine and perfect and no drama.”  Poe crossed the room to place a kiss on Finn’s head.

“You heard all of that, huh?”

“Yes, Finn, I know you talk to our cat,” Poe responded dryly. He sat on the bed so he could be eye level with Finn, which dislodged Buli again, and this time she let out an annoyed yowl. Poe scratched under her chin. “Besides, who do you think I talked to all the time you were away at UC-Davis?  No judgement here.”  Poe leaned in, capturing Finn’s mouth in a quick kiss.  Finn protested as he stood back up and reached for a work shirt. Poe smiled at him. “Sorry.  I need to catch up after our amazing weekend.”

Finn sighed, swinging his legs out and getting up himself.  “Yeah, I’m going to try and finish packing and transferring the kitchen today. Oh, and the bed is getting delivered.”  The huge new bed and frame was a wedding present from Leia.

Poe looked guilty.  “I could help out if we just waited until-”

Finn cut him off, pulling on a t-shirt. “Poe, babe, it’s fine.” He crossed the room to take Poe’s hand, knowing physical contact always soothed the both of them. “I have the time right now, obviously, since my fate is still up in the air,” referring to his Bar Exam results, “and I want our first night as an old married couple to be our first night in our own home, too.”

“Okay, well, you know how to reach me if you want help.” Poe brushed a quick goodbye kiss across Finn’s lips.  “I love you.”

“I love you.”

**4 days to The Big Event**

_ “Finn, I can’t imagine a day without talking to you.” Tears were forming in Poe’s eyes, and Finn wasn’t sure Poe would be able to keep them in, like he always struggled to do. “Hell,” Poe said, because of course Poe Dameron couldn’t even get through wedding vows without a little swearing, “I know it’s a cliche, but you’re my best friend.  You look inside of me and around me and through me and love everything you see…” _

True to Poe’s forecast, the rain had stopped, which meant Finn could actually start moving the boxes he packed the day before.  He’d borrowed the Gator for that purpose; their new home was a much closer walk if one crossed Organa land, rather than having to drive around to the main entrance of Organa’s, out and around the former Solo land, and down the driveway to their place.  

As Finn pulled the Gator up to the house, he paused for a moment, letting himself take the completed construction in. It really was perfect.  Bigger than the cottage, but not too big.  Cozy.   _  Or, it will be with a few kids running around _ , Finn mused, grinning.  He imagined Poe pushing a kid - their kid - on a swingset in the front yard.  His heart swelled in his chest at the thought of it.  He’d been doing some research on adoption lawyers in the area, but he figured he could spring that knowledge on Poe after the wedding.

He put the fantasy aside for now, grabbing a box and letting himself in the side door that led directly to a mud room connected to the kitchen. He pulled out his phone, setting his music to shuffle on the loudest possible setting, and got down to making those fun, exciting, yet nerve wracking decisions of where to place everything in a brand new kitchen.  He’d worked his way through most of the boxes when Stereo Hearts came on and he  _ had  _ to pick up a spatula like a mic and sing along.  He was just getting into it, turning away from the stove, when Elisa gave him a heart attack by just standing at the entrance to the kitchen, a smile on her face.

“Jesus!” Finn clutched a hand to his chest and turned off the loud music. “Elisa, wha- how- wha?”

Elisa laughed. “I did knock.  A bunch.  The door was unlocked, so I just figured I’d come in.”  Doors were never kept locked out in the country.

“Is it time for our Spanish lesson already?”  Finn automatically checked the wall clock, except he hadn’t moved that over yet, and added it to his mental to-do list.

“Just about.  Poe said I’d probably find you here if you weren’t at the cottage.”

Finn grinned. “Well then, you get to be the first to check out the dining table Poe and I found at Goodwill.  We’re trying to stick to a rustic aesthetic.  That modern monochrome stuff just reminds me of my time at First Order.”  Finn led her into the combined dining/living area. When they first looked at plans for the house, the rooms had been separate, but Finn had argued for the large room combo as a gathering place for their future family.

The room was, however, right now, very empty, except for a large wooden craftsman table, stained to a dark brown, and one matching bench.  “Oh Finn, it’s gorgeous,” cooed Elisa, running a hand over the smooth surface. She seemed momentarily distracted, then shook herself out of it.  “Okay, what do you want to talk about today?”

Finn hesitated, wanting to ask her if she was alright, but she was already looking at him expectantly, so he pulled out his phone. “After we practice the basics, could you help me translating these questions?  They’re what I’d most commonly have to ask for a green card application.”

They slipped into Spanish, Finn practicing a routine of polite and practical phrases like “How can I help you?” and “Please fill this out.”  He noticed that Elisa’s heart didn’t seem to be in it, and she kept staring out the window to the green fields beyond. Finally, Finn held up a hand.  “Let’s stop.”

Elisa looked startled, and guilty. “But we still have 20 minutes left,” she murmured.

“What’s wrong, Elisa?” Finn reached his hand across the table to lay it on hers.

Elisa took in their hands and sighed. “It’s Temmin.”

It took Finn a second to translate that name to Snap, because he’d never actually heard anyone call him that, just had seen it on Snap’s check when he delivered payroll for Leia once.  _ Interesting _ , Finn thought,  _ that Elisa is the only one who gets to call him that _ . Finn remained silent, hoping Elisa would explain further.

“Tem and I had a fight.  Last night.” Elisa’s eyes were starting to tear up. “I love him, Finn, I'm in love with him.  But he’s, like, my best friend. I thought we could be just friends, I thought I’d be okay with that. Then I made a fool of myself in Las Vegas, gave in to the moment, dragged him down with me. I tried to let him off the hook, gave him that bullshit “what happens in Vegas” line.  But now he’s acting strange around me, and I’ve just ruined  _ everything _ .”

“Oh, hermosa,” Finn said, using an endearment she had taught him months ago.  It was almost comical to hear Elisa’s side of the story, except his heart went out to her. Life was complicated. He knew he couldn’t betray Snap’s secret, and that the two of them needed to work this out themselves.  Finn was confident they could figure it out.  “Can I offer a small piece of advice?”  Elisa nodded miserably. “Tell him everything you just told me. I’ve had several wise women in my life remind me that communication is the key to everything.”

Elisa sighed again.  “That sounds way easier than it really is.”

Finn shrugged. “It’s not easy, no, but it works, or Poe and I wouldn’t be getting married in four days.”

“Oh come on, you and Poe are like the perfect couple,” Elisa scoffed lightly.

Finn laughed outright. “Far from it.  Don’t go in expecting perfection, or you’re bound to be disappointed.”

“But you and Poe-”

“Fight.  Maybe not all the time, but we do, we have.  It’s not going to stop us from living our lives together, exploring this amazing bond we have. Fights don’t break that, don’t mean it’s gone forever.”

There was a scuffling of boots from the kitchen, and Elisa swiped at her eyes hurriedly.  By the time Poe walked in, she was looking composed, standing up, causing Finn to quickly stand up as well, and raising a hand in a farewell gesture.  “Well, you did good work today, Finn.  You’re a natural. See you later, Poe.”  She hurried out the front door, a little pink in the face.

Poe slung his arms around Finn’s waist and pulled him close for a kiss. “You did good work today, Finn.”

Finn felt himself flush. “I guess you heard that conversation?”

“Just the part where you said we’re not the perfect couple.” Poe was doing his best to look annoyed, and failing.

Finn laughed. “Mmm, yeah, we’re totally broken.”  He wrapped his arms around Poe’s neck.

“Beyond repair.” Poe groaned when Finn used his arms to pull the farmer’s head closer.

**3 days to The Big Event**

_ “Finn, I love you for all the little quirks that make up your personality, and for having the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known,” Poe said, placing a hand on Finn’s chest. “I can’t wait for the rest of our lives.” _

Finn heard gravel crunching in the driveway, and peeked out the living room window to see Jess and Rey’s rental car drive up.  He hurried to the front door of the house and swung it wide, grinning as the ladies stepped out.

“Oh Finn, it’s beautiful.  Better in person than in picture,” Rey exclaimed, accepting his bear hug.  

“How was your trip?”

Rey and Jess had decided to drive from Las Vegas to the farm as a type of mini-honeymoon, camping out along the way. Rey bubbled, “Oh my.  Finn, you _ have  _ to visit Crater Lake.  It’s gorgeous.”

Jess grinned at her wife, then turned to Finn. “We drove non-stop from there this morning.  Any chance of a late lunch?”

“Oh, most definitely.  I was thinking I could give you a tour of our place and then we could walk to the farm and meet Leia for lunch?”

“Works for me,” Jess said, still smiling.

The tour was quick, and Rey immediately gleaned the reason for the extra rooms. “Are you two going to make me an auntie?”

Finn grinned. “As soon as we can, I hope.”

“Excellent!  I can’t wait to have someone to spoil with my awesomeness.”

Jess slipped an arm around her waist. “As long as I get to be the cool aunt.”

“I don’t think there’s any doubt about that,” Finn replied as they headed out the side door to walk the short distance to the farm. The path was already worn from many trips between the two properties, but Poe and Finn hoped to replace the beaten down grass and mud path with a nice stone walkway, eventually.   _  Maybe a project for next summer _ , Finn thought idly.

“Is everything ready for The Big Event?” asked Rey, drawing Finn back to the present.

“I think so.  Kari’s amazing.  As long as it doesn’t rain, and there’s no drama, we should be good.”

Jess pursed her lips. “Speaking of drama, when do your parents fly in?”

Finn groaned. “Tomorrow.  Poe and I are picking them up from the airport.”

They walked by the cottage. Rey grabbed Finn's hand and swung it. “Different subject.  Back to kids.  Don’t worry, Jess, I’m not baby crazy.  But I am ‘Finn and Poe have a baby’ crazy.  Tell me more.”

“Well, I think that I’m going to contact this adoption lawyer I researched on-” Finn cut himself off when he noticed Poe on the porch of the cottage.  And he knew Poe had just heard everything. “Uh, why don’t you guys go on to the main house, I need to talk to Poe for a sec."

When Jess and Rey were out of earshot, Finn opened his mouth but Poe got there first. “Are you sure?” was all he said. Finn closed his mouth again.  He’d been expecting anger.

He exhaled. “I am.”

“We could wait until you’re established in a practice.  Settled.” Poe’s eyes looked concerned.

“We could.  But we don’t know how long the process will take.  And, babe, I love you, but you’re not getting any younger.” He smiled at Poe, hoping he’d take it the right way.

“Don’t you have older parents?”

“Yeah, and look how  _ that  _ turned out.  I’m sure, Poe.  I promise.  Are you sure?”

Poe smiled back. “Yeah.  Fuck, yeah I am.”

**2 days to The Big Event**

_ Finn looked into the soft brown eyes of the man he loved, took a steadying breath, and began. “Poe, I can’t help remembering the first time we met.  There I was, for all intents and purposes, your enemy, and you got my number out of me so smoothly I didn’t even realize what you were doing.” Poe grinned cheekily as the guests laughed. “You told me I rescued you, rescued the farm, but really, you rescued me…” _

“You can do this,” Poe whispered in his ear, arm wrapped comfortably around Finn’s waist.  Finn stood, legs spread wide and arms crossed in a defensive stance.  They both scanned the faces of the crowds pouring through the Portland airport security, and Finn was getting tenser by the second. Every few seconds, though, Poe would whisper something encouraging in his ear, and Finn’s stress levels would decrease marginally.  “I love-”

Finn sucked in a breath. “There they are.”  He uncrossed his arms, innate politeness kicking in as he kissed his mother’s cheek, shook his dad’s hand, and introduced Poe. “Father, this is Poe Dameron.  Poe, my father Dr. Findley Smith and my mother Anne.”

“It’s great to finally meet you both,” Poe said, pouring on the charm, shaking hands firmly with his father.  Finn knew he was on a mission to get Finn’s parents to like him, no matter how many times Finn told him it was doubtful. “Can I carry anything for you guys?”

As Poe helped Anne arrange her carryon items in his hands, Finn took a moment to really drink the sight of his parents in.  Findley was taller than Finn, a fact Finn had always resented.   _  Yet another way I can’t measure up _ , he’d thought to himself many times.  His father’s face was stern, always.  Findley had been a doctor in the military before settling in New Mexico to open his own practice.  Finn had always thought it was good that Findley wasn’t a pediatrician.  But there was a tired look about his father’s face, the signs of aging prominent in both lines and white hair.  There was a certain slackness he’d never noticed before.  Anne looked the same as the last time he'd seen her,  _ what, 3 years ago? _ Prim, proper, and without a hair out of place.

Finn suddenly realized everyone in the group was looking expectantly at him. “Sorry, organizing wedding details in my mind,” he covered, hopefully well enough. “Would you guys like to get something to eat or go directly to your hotel?”  He had booked them a place in Salem, knowing anything in the country wouldn’t be up to their standards.

Anne looked at her husband, seeming to search his face. “What do you think, dear?”

“I could use a bit of time at the hotel.  Perhaps we could meet for dinner later?” Findley spoke in the stiff, monotonous manner Finn remembered well from lectures received across the dinner table as a child.

The drive from Portland to Salem was filled with stilted conversation, mostly led by Poe and Anne.  Anne showed polite interest in the workings of the farm, and Poe was more than happy to fill her in, his pride in Organa’s Organics evident as always. Finn took his father’s silence as disapproval, but realized when they pulled into the hotel parking lot that Findley had actually been asleep.  

Poe carried their luggage to the room, leaving Finn alone in the lobby with his parents. Findley pulled Finn aside. “Listen, son, dinner will have to be just the three of us.  We have some important family business to discuss.”

Finn knew the insult crossed his face, and he felt his rage spike. “You will  _ not _ insult Poe by implying he’s not family.  You’re here for my fucking wedding,  _ dad _ , so get used to Poe being a part of whatever ‘important family business’ we need to discuss.”

Anne gasped. “Language, Finn,” she said, looking around the lobby to make sure no one had heard Finn’s outburst.

Finn felt the rage spike higher.  “What, mother, am I being embarrassing?  Not the perfect little socialite you wanted me to be?”

Now he could see rage start to transform his father’s face, too. “You need to leave your mother alone.  We raised you to respect us.”

“Respect,” Finn laughed. “ _ Respect _ . That’s right.  You raised me to respect you.  You didn’t do anything to show me love.  Just a nice polite respect in the Smith household.  Well, in the Dameron household, we have love, and love means family.”

Finn turned on his heel, intending to walk straight out of the lobby, but stopped when he saw Poe there, a shocked look on his face.  “Come on, Poe.  We may need that song and dance number after all.”  He grabbed one of Poe’s hands and dragged him through the automatic doors.

“Babe, what happ-”  

“Wait!”  They both heard the click of heels as Anne ran through the doors.  “Finn, don’t make me run.”  Finn complied, stopping by the car they had borrowed from Snap to pick up his parents, but not climbing in.

“Poe is my family, mother.  That’s non-negotiable.”

Anne looked tired, too, Finn noted. “He has cancer,” she said, looking at the ground.

“Wh...what?” Finn gasped out.  Poe squeezed his hand.  It was like a silent  _ “You can do this.” _

“Cancer, in his colon. They tried chemo, but it’s metastasizing. They gave him a year, for most of which he won’t be this mobile.”  Anne’s eyes misted over.

Finn fell against the car heavily, unable to speak. Poe seemed to understand, and spoke for him. “Is he… should he be here?  Do we need to arrange for anything to be brought to the hotel?” Poe said, already pulling out his cell phone.

Anne looked at him, warmth in her eyes along with the tears. “I already did.  We have what we need, but thank you.”  She turned to Finn, surprising him by taking the hand that was not currently gripping for dear life to Poe’s.  Finn looked down at their joined hands, trying to remember the last time his mother had touched him in such an intimate way.  He had a flash of a kiss on his forehead before drifting off to sleep, sometime when he was elementary aged. 

“Finn, what you said in there is true. Your father was brought up in a household of respect, and we did the same with you.  And you were so like your father, Finn,” Anne pausing when she saw insult on his face again, “ _ You were.  _ You were quiet, reserved. Kept your feelings bottled up.” She dropped his hand and placed hers on his cheek instead. “And I thought that was how you were. Just like him. And I’m sorry I didn’t understand you well enough to know exactly how much you were keeping bottled up inside of you, how much I didn’t really know you.  I know we made mistakes, Finn.  But I’d like to ask for a second chance.  For me and for your father.  To know the real you, before it’s too late.” Tears were sliding down Anne’s cheeks in earnest now.  She was one of those women that managed to look beautiful when they cried.

Poe was still holding his hand, which he would be eternally grateful for, but when he moved close to Finn, pulling him away from the car, and let Finn collapse into his side, Finn nearly cried out at the needed contact.

Anne held her arms out. “May I?” she asked, tentative.

Finn said nothing, could say nothing yet, but nodded, and Anne wrapped her arms around both Finn and Poe in a delicate embrace.  Her inclusion of Poe went a long way toward opening the door to forgiveness, even if Finn wasn’t quite there yet.

He looked up from the embrace to see his father standing near them. Actually, he was leaning against one of those large potted plants that seemed to exist only for hotel parking lots. A guarded expression rested on Findley’s face, and Finn knew this, this request from his mother, would be harder for both he and his father to handle.   _ Carefully, then _ , Finn bolstered himself.

“I take it your mother told you our news, then,” Findley said gruffly.

“Yeah, fath- dad,” Finn replied, and then surprised everyone, including himself, by crossing to his father and wrapping his arms around a body that he could feel was frail. If they were going to make this work, Finn determined, he’d just have to be himself from the outset.  And Finn Smith did not shy away from physical affection.  Finn felt a tentative hand reach up to pat his back slowly.  _ Baby steps. _

**1 day to The Big Event**

_ “You rescued me, too. And you keep doing it, every day.  You’re my rock, my foundation.  I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last few days without you by my side.” Finn glanced at his mother and father sitting in the front row, then back to Poe. “You’ve helped me find exactly what type of man I was, what type of man I am.” _

Finn agreed to lead his mother and father on a tour of Organa’s Organics, like Poe had done for him two years before. They used the Gator to save Findley the exertion. To Finn’s great surprise, Anne seemed to enjoy everything about the farm, from the chickens, to the greenhouses, to the compost heap.

They came across Poe repairing a fence, BB-8 happily munching on grass near him.  The Gator couldn’t handle the pasture, so the three of them walked toward Poe.

“It’s beautiful here, Finn.  I can see why you’d want to stay.”  Anne took a deep breath in, the same way Poe did when he’d been in the city too long.

Finn smiled tentatively.  “I know this is a weird thing to say, given that we’re still learning about each other, but OHSU in Portland has some of the best cancer doctors in the world.” Anne and Findley looked at their son intently. “I, uh, did some research last night. I mean, I know that New Mexico is your home. Just an idea.”

Before they could answer, Poe responded, “And you’d be welcome to stay with us if needed.”

Anne answered. “I’m not sure about moving, Finn, but we could look into the possibility.”

“Yeah, just an option to think about.  Would you like to meet BB-8?” Finn said, changing the subject. Anne happily patted BB-8 and fed her a carrot, reminding Finn that she’d always been an equestrian.

“You can ride her, if you’d like,” Poe offered cheerfully.  

“Oh! That would be lovely!” Anne looked happy and genuinely surprised at the offer.

“Anne used to be beautiful competing in dressage,” Findley said, to the great surprise of everyone. “Well, she still is beautiful,” he mumbled.  Anne smiled at him.  

_ How is it I’ve never seen this side of my parents before?  _ Finn thought.  Poe’s phone chimed, breaking him from his thoughts.

“Well, that’s pretty much the farm,” Finn started, and spying Leia approaching in the distance, finished, “although you have one more important thing to do, meet the Organa behind Organa’s Organics.”

Finn was just starting his introductions, when Poe gasped at whatever was on his phone, and everyone looked at him. “What’s wrong?” Finn asked.

“Finn, they posted the results a day early.”

“Results for- oh, oh God.”  Anne and Findley were looking at the two of them strangely, but Leia’s eyes widened.

“I set up an alert for your name on my phone. And it’s there.” Poe was handing the phone over to him, and he found that he couldn’t take it.

“I can’t look.  You have to do it, I can’t do it.  Oh God, I can’t-”

“What’s going on?” Findley demanded in a stern voice that made Finn snap to attention, but he still couldn’t seem to form a string of words into a sentence, and Poe seemed to be having similar problems.

“Finn’s Bar Exam results,” Leia put in helpfully.

“Well, then, son, you have to look at them.”

Finn stared at his father, then took a deep breath, and took the phone from Poe.  He scrolled down until he got to his name, and the little “Meeting Score, Approved” words seemed to burn into his corneas.

“Well?” asked Poe, practically hyperventilating.

He looked up at his family, eyes filled with wonder. “I did it. I passed. I’m a lawyer,” and he was being squeezed around the middle by Poe before he could finish.  “I’m a lawyer!”

“Fuck yeah!”  Poe’s mouth crashed down on his, the pair of them forgetting the rest of the party.

Leia cleared her throat, and Poe broke off with a groan, allowing Finn to receive hugs from Anne and Leia, and exchange a stiff nod with Findley.

“We should celebrate tonight, go out someplace,” Anne suggested.

“Well, actually, we have the rehearsal dinner.”

Anne looked a little sad to be turned down, but then turned to Leia, saying, “I think we were being introduced before the big news…”

“Oh right,” Finn said. “Findley and Anne, meet Leia Organa.  She’s owned this place for over 40 years.  And she gave me a home when I needed one.”

Leia responded politely and shook hands as she normally did for “squares” as she put it.  Anne kept her hand, though, clasping it between both of hers, and stared intently into Leia’s eyes. “Thank you, for what you’ve done for our son.” Leia smiled, warming, and nodded. “And this place, it’s beautiful.  All we have is a rock garden at our house.”

“Well, considering it’s the desert, I’ll say thank you for doing your part to create a sustainable environment,” Leia replied.  She tucked Anne’s arm in hers. “Would you like to see my favorite spot on the farm, and let these boys celebrate in private a bit? We can get the Gator there.”

They agreed, and Finn waved as the three headed off in the direction of the copse of trees with the secret bench.  As soon as they were far enough away, the smile dropped from his face and he turned to Poe. “Did she really just take them to the first place we-”

“Yeah. She did.”

“Oh God.” Finn ran a hand over his face, mortified.

Poe put a companionable arm around his shoulder. “Hey, it’s not like we marked the place.  No one knows.”

“I bet you five bucks Leia knows.  She’s sneaky like that.”

“Do we need to do anything to help set up for the rehearsal dinner tonight? Or do I get to take you off to celebrate for a bit?”

Finn sighed. “We should probably go check on the workers in the market building.” He leaned his head onto Poe’s shoulder, suddenly tired by the mix of emotions of the last few days.

Poe was never one to miss an opportunity, and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Are you doing okay, baby?  With my parents-”

“Poe, you don’t have to talk about it, really.”

“Shhh, it’s okay.” But he felt Poe swallow before speaking again.  “With my parents, it was sudden.  They were there, then they were gone.  I don’t know how to help you with this.”

“You do.  You’re doing it right now.”

They walked hand in hand in companionable silence, leaving BB-8 to her grass, to check on the setup for the rehearsal dinner.

**The Big Event**

_ Finn exhaled happily, smiling at Poe, who was definitely letting some tears fall. “And when I look at you, Poe, I see everything.  I see my past, present, and future.  I see the man I’ll grow old with, and the father of my children. Second father.  Dad?  We’ll figure that part out later.” Poe laughed, cheeks glistening. “I can’t wait for the rest of our lives, either.”  There were cheers from the crowd, even though Leia hadn’t said the official words yet. _

“Why is everything so crazy?  I thought it was all under control?”  Finn was panicking.   _  Just stay calm.  Just stay calm _ , he chanted to himself.  It didn’t seem to be working.

Rey caught him by the shoulders before he could pace the hallway. “Finn, it’s going to be fine.  Jess is berating the caterer. Don’t worry, when my girl’s done, there will be a million appetizers.  And Edgar is bringing you another white shirt.  Although I don’t know how you’ve managed to go through the three of them you brought over here.”

“That  _ iron _ ,” Finn said menacingly at an iron that looked about as old as the farm, “was sent from the devil to ruin my day.”

Rey patted him.  “Yes, yes, I’m sure it was. Relax.  You’re going to look amazing. This purple suit is fantastic.”

Finn took a deep breath in, and blew it out. “Yeah, I’m going to look amazing.  And I get to marry Poe today, and this will all be worth it when I see him.”

“There you go.  Way to turn it around.” Rey smiled at him.  She looked gorgeous herself in a tight green dress and strappy silver heels. “Now, if I leave you to check on the caterer, you’re not going to freak out again, right?”

“Right.”  Still, he paced when she left, looking down at his empty ring finger. He’d grown used to the weight there, and now he felt naked without it, even though he knew he’d be getting it back in the ceremony soon. He pulled out his cell phone to be able to fiddle with something.  Surprisingly, there was a text from Poe.

**Poe:** Babe, I love you.

Finn felt a smile spread across his face.  _ I get to marry Poe today. _

**Finn:** I love you back.  Also, there might not be food for the wedding.  If so, I say we crash the taco shop after.  All of us.

**Poe:** I love that plan.

_ I get to marry Poe today! _

Finn was doing a little happy dance when he heard a throat clear. _ Damn it, why are people always catching my dancing?  _ He turned to find his father. He raised a hand in greeting, trying to play off the embarrassment. They’d had no alone time together in the last two days, always using Poe or Anne as a buffer. “Uh, hi.”

Findley nodded in greeting. He looked uncomfortable, too, shifting his feet the same way Finn normally did when  _ he  _ was uncomfortable, and  _ oh God, is mom right?  Am I just like him?  _ “I realize, son, that I have no reasonable expectation that you’ll grant me this request, but…”  he stopped, and Finn tried nodding, to encourage him. “...I was wondering if you were planning to walk down the aisle alone, or…”

When he trailed off again, Finn realized what he was really asking. “I was, actually.” He wasn’t quite sure if he was there yet, emotionally, with his father. Leia had been delighted when Poe had asked her to walk him down the aisle, but he didn't know if he wanted to offer the same to his father.

Findley looked disappointed for a split second before covering it up with his normal stern mask. “Right, of course, that makes sense.  It’s not like you’re some Medieval bride and I’m literally transferring ownership of you to Poe.”

Finn smiled at the thought. “No, we definitely get to own each other.”

“He’s a good man, son.” It was Findley’s turn to smile briefly when Finn lifted his eyebrows. “I, uh, I know I don’t praise people very much.  I always thought that praise should be sparing, so it’s truly appreciated when given.” Finn held himself back from rolling his eyes. “But I realize that maybe I’ve been too sparing. So, you’re getting a good man. And I’m glad, because he’s getting a good man, too.”  Findley turned to leave as the implications of what he’d said hit Finn and his eyes widened.

“Wait, dad.  Would you like to walk me down the aisle?”  Finn let the sentence hang like an olive branch, holding his breath.

This time, the smile stayed on Findley’s face. “I would very much like that, Finn.”

The ceremony was fine, and perfect, and as drama free as watching the union of two people so obviously in love with each other can be.  And in Finn’s mind, that was exactly the perfect kind of drama anyway.

They had commandeered one of the horse pastures, much to BB-8s obvious frustration as she watched everything resentfully from the other side of the fence.  A few rows of white wooden folding chairs led up to an arch covered in beautiful white petunias and, though no one except the grooms knew why, a few dandelions scattered among them.

Leia and Poe walked up the aisle arm in arm, Leia taking her position as the officiant. Findley and Finn didn’t touch as they made their way down, but both Anne and Poe smiled at the sight of the two strong men, side by side.  Snap and Rey came last, taking their places beside Poe and Finn respectively.

Leia cleared her throat. “When Finn and Poe asked me to officiate this ceremony, I thought they were crazy to ask an old hippie like me.” The crowd chuckled. “But whatever I may think about the societal constraints of marriage, I do know about love.  I saw love between your parents, Poe, and I see love between yours, Finn.  And I looked at my own love for forty six years.  And I see love between you, Finn and Poe.  So why don’t we commence with the vows?  Poe?”

Vows complete, Leia surreptitiously wiped a tear from her eye, and continued, “May we have the rings?” Snap handed Poe’s ring to Leia, who handed it to Finn. “Poe Dameron, do you take Findley Smith, Jr. as your husband?”

“I do.” Finn slid the ring on Poe’s finger.

“Findley Smith, Jr., do you take Poe Dameron as your husband?”

“I do,” and they repeated the gesture with Finn.

“Well, then,” burst out Leia, grinning wildly, “You’re married!  Kiss!” And they did.

They held the reception in the market building, fairy lights dangling and the farm band, Elisa singing lead, jamming in the corner.  It was, as Leia would put it, a good old fashioned barn party. Eventually, Finn signaled Elisa that it was time for toasts, and the band stopped.  

Elisa looked intently at Finn and Poe’s clasped hands, and took a deep breath.  “I’m supposed to introduce Tem- Snap right now.  Poe’s best man.”  She paused, and Snap walked up to her, reaching out a hand to take the mic, looking a little confused at the strange introduction. She backed away, keeping the mic. “I’m supposed to just give a little brief intro, in case you don’t know who Snap is.” Elisa’s eyes sought Finn’s in the crowd, and she seemed to send a desperate apology in them.  Finn nodded, trying to encourage her. “Temmin Wexley is third in command here at the farm.  He loves it here in Oregon.  He loves baseball. His favorite player is Ken Griffey, Jr.  He’s a war veteran.  He’s the kindest and most protective man I’ve ever met, and I love him.”

Finn heard Poe whisper, “Holy shit, she actually did it.”  He elbowed Poe to be quiet.  

Snap was standing still, back to the crowd, eyes on Elisa.  Then suddenly, he was striding forward, wrapping his arms around Elisa and swinging her down for a kiss.  The crowd cheered so loudly the whole building seemed to shake.  They came up for air, and Elisa handed Snap the microphone. “Poe, buddy, I had a great speech about brotherhood and camaraderie and how glad I am you found Finn.” He smiled. “And that’s all true, but I’m going to cut it short because I have something else I need to take care of, obviously.  So, Poe, I hope all of your days are as awesome as this one.”  He swung Elisa around for another kiss, dropping the mic.  Elisa took him by the hand and they practically ran out the market door to the cheers of the crowd.

Rey stooped to pick up the mic, laughing.  “Well, how the hell am I going to follow that?  I guess I’ll keep it brief, too.  Finn, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You deserve everything that Poe can give you.  I love you, trooper.” She blew Finn a kiss, which Finn returned, along with yelling, “I love you too, princess!”

Later, as Finn watched Poe lead his mother in a dance, his heart soared like the first night they’d met, and he hoped it never stopped.


	20. Kiss me - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 10  
> Original summary:   
> @beautyfullights challenged me to write 300 words of Organa's Organics porn.  
> ThiqueThighSquad wanted wall sex and strong!poe.  
> Thus this fic was born! ;)  
> Smut ahoy!

They made it home this time. Just barely. Poe’s pickup was parked a little haphazardly across their drive, but it wasn’t like they had any neighbors to notice. Finn tried to get out of the cab before taking off his seat belt and got caught, had to laugh at himself and readjust as Poe came around and yanked the door open wider. Finn’s breath caught in his throat when he saw the absolutely possessive look on his husband’s face, making him melt. Poe turned Finn in his seat, so that he was standing between Finn’s legs, and oh god, how he loved when Poe manhandled him. Which meant he moaned when Poe pulled on his arms to get him to lean down, then grabbed Finn’s head and crushed their mouths together.

When Poe’s hands went for Finn’s zipper, Finn gasped out, “Are we doing this here?”

“You want to wait?” Poe already had Finn’s pants undone and was stroking him through his boxers. When Finn just moaned again in response, Poe grinned wickedly. “I didn’t think so. Kiss me.”

Finn lifted his hips so Poe could slide his pants down, all the while raining frantic kisses over Poe’s face before landing on his mouth again.

When Poe finally reached down to run his fingertips over Finn’s cock, Finn actually whined, “Poooeeee…”

“Now who’s being impatient?” Poe grinned as Finn tried to buck his hips up, tried to send his cock sliding through Poe’s fist. “Fuck, I love you like this. All needy and desperate.”

“Poe, I swear to God…”

Before Finn knew what was happening, Poe’s fingers were sinking into the cheeks of his ass, spread wide to support him, and Poe was lifting him out of the seat. Finn gasped, leaning forward on Poe’s chest, wrapping his arms around Poe’s neck, expecting a long, slow slide down Poe’s front until he was standing, but Poe simply tightened his hold, biceps bulging, and stepped to the side, finally stopping when he pressed Finn up against the cab.

“Jesus Christ, Poe,” Finn said, breathy, as he wrapped his legs around Poe’s waist and reached down to squeeze a bicep admiringly. “I am so turned on right now,” he murmured, a touch of amazement in his voice.

“Funny thing, so am I.” Poe’s soccer shorts were leaving nothing to the imagination.

“Poe, in me?” Finn’s voice was a plea as he buried his face in Poe’s neck to suck a mark there.

Poe groaned, “No lube, baby."

“Fuck.” Finn rolled his hips against Poe, frustrated.

Poe balanced Finn in one arm, working his own cock out of the athletic shorts. “Thank god I’m not wearing my Levi’s.”

Finn groaned, biting into Poe’s neck when he thrust forward, causing their cocks to slide past each other. “You’re going to have to help, baby. Stroke us off,” Poe said as he supported Finn with both arms again. Finn reached between them, holding their cocks together with one firm hand. He watched, breath coming more quickly, as Poe’s arms stayed steady.

“I am so into this,” he gasped out.

“Good to know,” Poe responded, choking on the last word and leaning his forehead into Finn’s shirt. “Oh, yes, just like that, baby. So good, I love you so much.”

Finn wrapped his free hand through Poe’s curls, pulling him up for a messy kiss. He broke off, meeting Poe’s wrecked eyes with his. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he chanted, in time with his strokes. He realized belatedly that his calves were sliding over Poe’s perfectly rounded ass every time he thrust, and he moaned again, capturing Poe’s mouth and erupting all over his own hand. He kept stroking, wanting to collapse on Poe but trying to get him off first. Finn tilted his head, nipping at an ear lobe, and Poe grunted, his hot come joining Finn’s between them.

Trying to spare Poe, Finn collapsed back against the warm metal frame of the truck. Poe let Finn’s legs drop slowly, and then he fell against Finn’s chest, sighing contentedly when Finn began running his fingers through Poe’s hair.

“Happy one week anniversary, husband.” Finn’s hand came down to stroke Poe’s cheek.

Poe leaned into his hand, making a small noise in his throat before opening his eyes to peer at Finn through his lashes. “Here’s to the next several thousand.” He turned his head to kiss Finn’s palm.


	21. Reservations - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amid our boys being sickeningly sweetly domestic, Finn is turning 26. Poe wants to celebrate, but Finn insists that it’s really not that big of a deal.
> 
> Contains a smut scene that was originally chapter 40 of Out of Time.

“Alright Dad, talk to you later.” Finn closed the call on his cell phone, staring at the screen after, trying to figure out how to judge the awkward conversation. _Baby steps._  Finn still felt like he was floundering when it came to talking to Findley.  Lots of long silences and conversations in fits and starts.  It wasn’t an entirely pleasant experience, if Finn was honest with himself, but, then, neither was the alternative.  Findley had sounded good today, strong, and that was enough to make any awkwardness worth it, in Finn’s mind.

He set aside his cellphone, determined to start on the paperwork he’d brought home from the office, when his phone chimed for a text.

 **Poe:** Home in 20. <3

Finn smiled, feeling lightened by the mundane text.  He figured these extra gooey feelings for Poe would go away eventually, but two months in and he still felt like the wedding had been yesterday.

 **Finn:** <3

 _Okay, only 20 minutes_ , Finn psyched himself up, pulling the paperwork across the desk.  He’d been at a medium-sized Salem-based law firm for a month now.  Currently, he was just working as an assistant to their immigration specialist Greg Arthur, but Greg hoped to retire within the next year, and Finn was training to take over his position.  Working with Greg felt like the complete opposite of working with Phasma at First Order. He’d only been working for a few weeks and he already felt like he had made a difference in people’s lives.

The day after Finn had received the call that he’d gotten the job, he’d come home to find Poe and Snap in the middle of carrying a gorgeous wooden lawyer’s desk into the house, Poe’s present to Finn on landing the job.  He’d had it on hold at a local antique shop since before Finn had even taken the exam, so confident was Poe in Finn’s eventual success.  Poe and Snap had placed the desk in Finn’s office, a room Poe had insisted on building into the house plans, so that he could have privacy to do whatever confidential work he needed to.  Finn had, very graciously, he thought, immediately shooed Snap from the house and thrown Poe across the desk to thank him for the present, and christen it.  Finn tried not to think about the sight of Poe bent over the desk now as he read through the legal documents. He shoved the thought away and, within moments, he was working diligently.

He jumped a little, then relaxed, when he felt warm hands on his shoulders.  “Mmm, Carlos, we need to be quick, my husband will be home soon.”

Poe leaned over to whisper in his ear, “Don’t worry, Kevin, I like it quick.” His tongue darted out to lick Finn’s neck where his pulse was already beginning to quicken. Finn let out a moan, already ready, surprising both of them.  Poe made an inquiring noise as he began to suck below Finn’s collar.

“I may have,” Finn paused to inhale, feeling like he was dying for breath all of a sudden, “been thinking about the time I thanked you for this desk, before you even got here.”

“Aha,” said Poe, turning Finn’s rolling chair around and reaching for Finn’s zipper. “Well, we can't leave you in this state, can we?”

Finn stopped Poe’s fingers, bringing them up to kiss, instead. “Allow me.”

He rolled a little closer to Poe, nose nuzzling against the hard column, pressing a kiss along it to hear Poe groan. Slowly, carefully, he eased Poe’s zipper down, mouthing over his boxers now. 

Poe helped him shove the jeans over Poe’s hips and down to his knees. Knowing his husband thoroughly, Finn spun them so Poe was supported by the desk, so Poe wouldn’t fall to the ground as soon as Finn’s mouth was on him. 

He looked like some kind of pinup, though, resting against the big wooden desk, his cock stiff and just beginning to leak. Finn gave a little moan himself and rolled as close as he could, pressing Poe’s thighs to the desk. He slipped his mouth over the head of Poe’s cock, saw as Poe white-knuckled the edge of the desk. 

Finn closed his eyes and sank further down on Poe’s cock, enjoying the heightening of the sensory experience. 

He’d enjoyed Poe’s body in possibly every single way at this point, but Christ, it felt new every time. The little sounds Poe made in his throat. The way he lifted a hand to grip at Finn’s hair. The smell of him - all outdoorsy and male goodness. Finn reached up to squeeze at Poe’s thighs as he bobbed his head, lost to the blowjob, lost to the movement. 

Poe’s hips were rocking in time with his head, thrusting himself into Finn’s throat, gently at first, but speeding up and taking control now. The grip on Finn’s head became tighter as Poe guided him exactly where he wanted him, used Finn’s mouth. And Finn desperately, desperately wanted to be used. 

The honeymoon phase would end eventually, right? This pressing, boiling need that clawed at Finn from the inside, demanding satisfaction? Eventually they’d cool down and stop fucking like bunnies, Finn had to think. Eventually a time would come when it wouldn’t be almost painful to be in the same room as Poe without it ending like this. Although at the moment he couldn’t really ponder why he’d want that. 

Poe was thrusting hard now, and Finn swallowing around him, just to hear Poe groan. Christ, he loved that sound. Suddenly Poe’s fingers clenched in his hair and he held Finn’s head still as he came, poured down Finn’s throat, Finn working to swallow it all. 

The pressure of Poe’s fingers eased, but Poe still kept the hand there as Finn let Poe’s cock fall slowly out of his mouth, cleaning along the way. “Baby,” Poe moaned, looking down at him, loving him, worshiping him with his eyes. 

Finn placed a kiss on the inside of Poe’s thigh. His cock was aching inside his pants, not helped at all by the sight of Poe, disheveled, eyes droopy from pleasure, leaning against his desk. 

“Baby,” Poe said again, his voice absolutely filled with love, the kind that warmed Finn up from the inside out. His hand reached out to caress Finn’s cheek, and Finn leaned into it, almost purred. 

Poe pulled him up to stand between his spread legs, teasing over his cock before pulling him into a hug. “Come take a shower with me?” 

Finn nodded dumbly, his blood still buzzing with the need to come. Poe kicked off his jeans and turned his ass toward Finn, wiggling it a little, calling Finn like the Pied Piper. 

Finn followed, let himself be stripped and led into the shower. Let himself stare and really ponder about his life,  _ how is this my life?, _ when Poe braced himself against the tiles and arched his ass toward Finn. Their twin groans echoed off the tiles as Finn pressed Poe into the wall and took what Poe wanted to give, what they both needed.

\--------------

A long time later, Poe and Finn maneuvered around the kitchen, prepping dinner. Neither of them liked to cook alone, so if such a solo night happened, the loner most likely just ended up eating a sandwich. But together, they were beginning to explore and experiment with recipes. They'd both changed into jeans and shirts, Finn letting oil warm on the stove. He was admiring Poe’s bare feet and knew he was caught when Poe wiggled his toes.  He looked up to see Poe facing him with a tray of chopped onions. “Like what you see?” Poe asked, amusement ringing his voice.

Finn grinned. “Always. But there's something about you being barefoot in the kitchen that really does things to me.”

“Yeah, well, you standing there with bedroom eyes really does things to me,” Poe replied, laughing.

“We’re going to kill each other, aren't we?”

“Oh, probably. We'll die happy, though. You ordered chopped onions?”

“In here.” Finn indicated the sauté pan on the stovetop. As he stirred, Poe leaned on the counter next to him.

“So, have you thought any more about what you want to do for your birthday?” Poe asked. Finn was turning 26 in just a few days.

Finn made a low humming noise. “I don't know. It's not a big deal.”

“Says the person who took me to Vegas for my birthday.”

“You turned 35! That's a big number!” Finn stuck his tongue out at Poe, then embarrassed himself by giggling when Poe swatted his ass playfully.

“Better watch it or I'll put that tongue to good use.” Finn lifted an eyebrow as if daring him. “Cheeky. I'm serious, though, we should do something. It's even a Friday. Fancy dinner out?  Come home and watch a movie and neck?”

Finn stirred, and considered. “I like the sound of that.” Finn leaned over to brush his lips across Poe’s briefly. When he leaned back, his eyes widened as he remembered something. “Oh! Class! Um, don’t forget that the adopting parents classes start on Thursday. You put it in your phone, right?”

Finn knew that the excitement on Poe's face matched his own.  The classes were one of the many steps they needed to complete in order to be matched with a child. “I’m definitely on top of it,” Poe replied.

Finn looked down at the sauteed onions. “What comes next?”

“Well, I know we need to get the home visits done…” Poe trailed off as Finn looked back up, confused, then back down at the onions. “Oh! In the recipe, right.”  Finn threw back his head and laughed.

\---------------------------------

Finn got home from work the next day rather late, and was surprised not to find Poe in the house.  The Oregon autumn was blessing them with a few more days without rain, so Finn decided to walk to the farm and see what, or rather who, he could find.

Snap had taken over the cottage, letting his lease in town go.  Finn knew that more often than not, he could also find Elisa there, so he wasn’t surprised when she answered the door.

“Hey, FINN!” Elisa said, unreasonably loudly.

Finn quirked a brow. “Uh, hi?” He thought he heard the scuffling of boots on the cottage floor behind her, but Elisa was blocking his view.

Elisa glanced behind her, then opened the door widely.  “Come on in! I was just…” she trailed off for a second, glancing around the room. “Washing dishes! And you can keep me company.”

Finn loved Elisa, he really did, and he was happy for she and Snap.  But were all couples in love really this overly bright?  Was this what he and Poe looked like to the rest of the world? “Sure thing. I was wondering, though, if you’d seen Poe?  He’s not home yet, and it was a nice night so I thought I’d take a walk to look for him.”

“Hey, Finn,” Snap said in a much more reasonable volume, coming out of the bedroom area and pulling on a shirt.  Suddenly Finn felt heat rush to his cheeks as he realized what he’d probably walked in on.

“Uh, maybe I should go, give you guys some privacy.”

Elisa and Snap stared at him, then Elisa slowly nodded. “Yeah, uh, that’s what we need! Privacy! Um, Snap, have you seen Poe?”

All three of their heads turned at a knock on the door.  Elisa crossed the room again to open it. “Oh, hey, Poe.  Finn was just looking for you.”

Poe seemed a little breathless, like he’d just done some type of physical exertion.  He walked to Finn and planted a solid kiss on his mouth, disorienting Finn a bit. “Hi.”

Finn stared at him blankly for a second, then got his mouth working to respond. “Uh, hi.”

“Well, we should go-” Poe started, but Snap interrupted.

“Hey, now that you’re both here, are you guys doing anything Friday night?” He grinned.

Poe cleared his throat, distracting Finn, who then missed the raised eyebrow Elisa sent Snap. “Yeah, it’s Finn’s birthday, so we’re going out.”

Snap smiled more broadly. “Ohhhh, well, have fun, guys.  Happy early birthday, Finn.”

“Thanks!” He smiled at him as Poe tugged on his hand to drag him away, as was his habit. “Uh, bye!”

Outside, he turned to Poe.  “What was that all about? What’s the hurry?”

Poe grinned. “The hurry is it’s been more than twelve hours since I saw you and I can’t help myself.”

“We really are going to kill each other,” Finn laughed as they ran down the path to their house.

\-------------------------------

Finn awoke slowly on Friday morning, confused by several things; one, no alarm had gone off so he wasn’t quite sure why he had awoken; two, he didn’t feel Poe wrapped around him; and three, he realized suddenly, he was about to come.   _Well, that solves the mystery of where Poe is_ , he managed to think before letting out a long moan. He thrust a hand through Poe’s curls, digging in deep and pulling lightly, and was coming before he even fully awake.  Poe released Finn and grinned up at him. “Happy birthday, baby.”

“Jesus, Poe.  Can we make birthday head a tradition?”

Poe slid up his body until they were chest to chest, kissing Finn thoroughly. “Absolutely, considering you started the tradition. I finally get to repay the favor now that you’re not in school.” Poe’s lower half was still sliding against him, innately seeking satisfaction, and now it was Finn’s turn to grin.

He reached down and took Poe in hand, working him. “Here, let me help with that.” He kissed Poe fiercely.

Despite the fact that Finn wasn’t really enthusiastic about his birthday, he had to admit that the morning had put a spring in his step.  He hitched a ride to work from Elisa, who needed to go shopping, because Poe was going to pick him up directly from work for their dinner date.

He waltzed into the office, letting out a bright, “Hi, Greg!” his judgement of Elisa’s overbrightness earlier in the week momentarily forgotten. He grabbed mugs of coffee for both of them, thinking that even if he was doing similar things for Greg that he had for Phasma, he'd happily continue bringing Greg coffee if it meant avoiding the soul crushing news First Order served on a daily basis. Greg was an awesome boss.

“Hey, Finn. How'd the class go last night?” Greg, a roly-poly older man, a descendent of Irish immigrants (or so he was always claiming, Finn wasn't actually sure how many generations back that had happened), accepted the coffee with a sigh of contentment.  

“Exciting.  Terrifying.  And lots of details. I think I filled a notebook.”

Greg smiled kindly. “Sounds like parenthood, alright.  Susi checked out a whole stack of books from the library when we were expecting our first. Notes everywhere.” He laughed at the thought.

“Any advice, then?” asked Finn, smiling.

“You try to be as prepared as possible while you wait, but nothing really prepares you for your first day with them, your first month, year.  Every day will be something new that you weren’t expecting, but it will be an amazing time.”

Finn blew out a breath. “Thanks, I think.”

Greg clapped him on the shoulder.  “No problem, kid.  I live to serve.  Speaking of, the Rodriguez paperwork came through.  Shall we go make a family very happy?”

“Let’s do it.” Finn grinned, a little thrill of happiness shooting through his heart.  

That afternoon, Finn looked up as the door chimed.  He didn’t have his own office at the law firm yet, and his cubicle was near the receptionist area.  He smiled as he saw his husband walk in, waving hello and greeting the receptionist. She let him through and he walked over to Finn, who was standing now to greet him with a soft brush of lips.

“You’re early, Poe.  I don’t get off work for another hour.”

Greg appeared in the door to his office, feigning sternness.  “Poe took the liberty of informing me that it’s your birthday, Finn.  How come you didn’t say anything?”

Finn opened his mouth, floundering a bit at what to say. “Uh, well, because it’s a work day.  Shouldn’t it be the same as every other day?”

Greg smiled. “No, because on birthdays, we get office cake.  And office cake is the best cake, because Susi doesn’t know about office cake. But, since you didn’t get cake, I told Poe he could take you early.”

Finn looked between the two of them. “It’s really not that big of a deal…” He trailed off when he realized that both men were continuing to look at him expectantly. “Right, so I’ll just leave early then.”  Dual grins shined back at him.

Minutes later, Finn was seated in Poe’s pickup, and Poe couldn’t quit grinning. “So, where are we headed?” Finn asked.

“Well,” Poe started as he maneuvered out of the parking lot, “I thought, since the weather’s holding out, we could take our fancy dinner outdoors.”  He jerked a thumb to indicate the area behind the seats, where Finn saw a few canvas bags of picnic supplies.

Finn smiled, despite feeling weird and guilty for taking off work just for his birthday. “I think that sounds like a plan.”

Poe drove to one of their favorite spots on the Willamette and started getting the picnic area ready.  Feeling awkward in his lawyer gear, Finn shrugged out of his suit coat, undid some of the buttons on his shirt and rolled his sleeves up.  When he was finished, Poe was standing beside a blanket, what looked like a tasty spread of salads and cheese and fruit laid out, and holding two beers.  As Finn walked up, he offered one to Finn, stealing a quick kiss as Finn got close.

Finn exhaled. “Wow, Poe, you really put out a lot of effort.  Thank you, I love it.”  But the statement was subdued, and Poe raised an eyebrow.  

He searched Finn’s face and apparently decided to shrug it off. “Let’s eat,” he said, as they both sat down on the blanket.

What Poe really meant by ‘let’s eat’ was that he just kept feeding Finn all of the wonderful foods he’d picked up at the market.  When Finn protested, laughing, that Poe needed to eat too, he’d cheerily replied, “Birthday boy first!”

This time, Finn couldn’t contain himself from rolling his eyes. He realized he should have, though, when Poe’s eyes sharpened. Finn tried to pass off the reaction, but Poe reached out to capture one of Finn’s hands. “Uh uh, babe.  Tell me what’s wrong.  You’re bottling.”

Finn blew out a breath in frustration. “Birthdays are silly. They’re just another day.”

Poe raised his eyebrow again. “You insisted on celebrating my 35th birthday.  You sent Rey a _singing telegram_ for her birthday.  Why is your birthday different?”  Poe was gently rubbing across Finn’s thigh now, as if trying to coax the answer out of him by feel.

Finn remained silent for awhile.  “I guess, because I’ve never really celebrated my birthday.  When I was little, it was a normal day.  All of us, I mean.  My parents didn’t celebrate theirs, either.  Then, at school, it was just habit.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever even told Rey when my birthday was.”

“If she never weaseled it out of you, I am going to be extremely disappointed in her.”

“Well, yeah, eventually she figured it out, and she always tried to make something out of it, but…” he trailed off, shrugged.

“But, because you didn’t make a big deal out of it, she probably didn’t either.”  Poe groaned, laying back on the blanket and rubbing a hand over his face. “Finn, I need to tell you something.  And I hope you don’t get mad at me.  And I promise, after this year, we’ll go back to doing whatever you want - or don’t want - to do on your birthday.”

“Poe?” Finn hesitantly inquired, concern evident in his voice.

“I planned a surprise party.” Poe said it flatly, then opened his fingers to peek through and see Finn’s reaction.  Finn remained neutral, frowning slightly.  Poe sat up, took Finn’s hand in his again, and continued. “I planned a surprise party. I wanted to show you how many people loved you like I do, and how important you are to the farm.  I didn’t realize I’d be touching off some of those resilient childhood feelings with it.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand.

Finn softened. “That’s...that’s lovely.  I didn’t tell you, my mom sent me a happy birthday text this morning. So if they’re slowly learning to, well, do this kind of stuff, then I guess I can, too.” He smiled at Poe, leaning over to kiss him.  

When the kiss broke, Poe let out a short laugh. “Damn it, Finn, I ruined another surprise for you.  I’m _known_ for my ability to keep secrets, hell, there was a time in my life that my ability to stay alive depended on that ability, but I guess you’re the exception.”

Finn cupped his cheek. “I’m glad you ruined it.”

“They’re all going to know, though.  You’re shit at lying. And then they’re going rib _me_ about it.”

“Pobrecito,” Finn replied sarcastically.  “As your husband, I think I’m supposed to be happy that you don’t keep secrets from me.”

Poe brushed his lips softly over Finn’s. “Mmm, say it again. I love hearing that.”

“Cheeseball.” At Poe’s look, Finn laughed. “Okay, fine. Your husband thinks you’re a cheeseball.”

“You always inspire me, babe.” Poe pulled Finn down on top of him, Finn happy to comply with his plans.

A thought came to Finn and he lifted his head briefly to look Poe in the eye. “Wait, was the weirdness over at Snap’s the other night because of the surprise party?”

Poe laughed. “Yeah, We were planning. When I realized you were at the door, I raced to climb out Snap’s window.”

“You realize it wouldn’t have been weird at all for me to find you at Snap’s place, right?”

“Of course, as I was halfway out the window.  Then I realized I couldn’t explain why Snap and I were emerging from his bedroom, him shirtless.”

“Well as to that, why was he shirtless?”

“That, I don’t have an explanation for.  I think maybe I interrupted something with him and Elisa.”

Finn collapsed on top of Poe, laughing so hard into his shoulder that tears were leaking out.  “I’m glad you were better at espionage when you were in the Army.  I think you’ve lost some of those skills in your old age.”  He kept snickering, and Poe kissed him just to shut him up.

\-------------------------------------

Despite his reservations, Finn truly loved his party. A party was a party, after all, even if he had to bear being the center of attention for a bit.  And he made sure to slip away a piece of cake for Greg as a thank you for letting him play hookie.


	22. Best Laid Plans - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: Finn and Poe enjoy their honeymoon.

Finn woke up with his arms wrapped around Poe, catching the farmer still asleep.  It was so rare for Finn to wake up before Poe, and he relished it, caught up in the sight of Poe’s eyelashes laying against his cheeks, his lips pursed in sleep as if he was thinking hard about whatever dream he was having.  Finn felt the love rise up through him, and he inhaled a breath quickly, overwhelmed.  He was still getting used to how his love for Poe could strike him at any time, leave him defenseless.  Finn snuggled into Poe further, reluctant to leave the warm bed on this cold December morning and get started on his to-do list, even if that to-do list was primarily preparing to leave for their honeymoon later that morning.

Buli, with her cat hearing, was having none of that.  Now that her human was awake, she wanted attention.  She jumped onto Poe’s shoulder to stare into Finn’s face, already purring.  The commotion caused Poe’s eyes to flutter and open, groaning. “Jeez, Buli, can’t we sleep in for once?” Poe dislodged her, then twisted his head a bit to look at Finn, mumbled a “G’morning,” and burrowed his head back into the pillow.

Finn pressed a kiss at the nape of his neck and smiled. “We must be crazy to be giving this up.  Slow mornings in bed will look really different soon,” referring to their almost complete adoption process.

Finn heard the smile in Poe’s voice. “But totally worth it.”  

“Agreed.”

Poe blew out a breath, as if resigning himself to waking up, and turned to face Finn. “Ready for California?” Respecting Finn’s nervousness for flying, Poe had suggested a road trip to Southern California for their official honeymoon and winter getaway.

“Mentally? Yes. Beaches.  Warmth.  Dry weather.  But actually being ready? No, I’ve got a shit ton to do.  Which starts with leaving this bed.”

Poe wrapped him closer. “Well, at least we’re in the same boat, babe. I still need to go over and make sure everything’s handled at the farm.”

“Okay.  We’re going to get out of the bed.  One, two, three.” Dual grins as neither moved. Buli decided it for them by yowling loudly from the door.  Finn threw off his covers. “Okay, okay, Buli.”

He padded down the stairs, getting ready to put down food, when he paused in his tracks in front of the living room window.  His jaw dropped. “Poe, Poe, Poe!” he called up the stairs excitedly.

Finn heard rushing feet behind him -  _ oops, maybe I should have elaborated _ , he thought fleetingly - while he continued to look out at the scene in the yard.  Everything,  _ everything  _ was covered in white.  Inches and inches of white.  The only time Finn had seen this much snow in his life was when Poe had taken him to Mt. Hood last Christmas.  

Poe came up behind Finn. “Holy shit!”

Finn turned and whacked him playfully on the chest. “You’re the farmer!  How did you miss this in the forecast?”  He turned back to the window, hands pressed eagerly on the sill, leaning into the glass to look at everything.  Finn  _ loved  _ snow, especially for someone who hated the cold.  He hadn’t grown up around it, and even the distant snow-capped peaks on the edges of the Willamette Valley made him happy.

“Uh, babe, this is probably bad news.”

Finn looked at Poe with childlike wonder in his eyes.  “How could snow be a bad thing?”

“No one in western Oregon knows how to drive in this. We don’t even have plows. I bet they’ve shut I-5 down. There’s no way we’re getting out of here in this.  I’ll have to call the hotel in California and cancel.”

Finn thought of the warm, sunny beach awaiting him and considered pouting for about one second. “Warmth and beaches will always be there.  But how often do we get snowed in?” Finn faced Poe again, eyes glittering with excitement.  “We get to beg off all of our responsibilities for the day and play in it!”

Poe smiled at him, leaning in to kiss him on the tip of his nose. “You’re too fucking cute.”

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s neck.  “And then, of course, there’s the advantage of getting to warm each other up afterwards.”

“You know, the more I think of it, the more I’m okay with having to do our honeymoon trapped in the snow. I mean, we already have the time off work.”

Finn smile somehow impossibly grew even wider. “That’s the spirit!”

“I should make sure that the General’s okay, first.”  

“Of course you should.” Buli wound around their feet, yowling again. Finn laughed. “And I’ll feed Buli.”

Buli fed and Snap promising to shovel the walk for Leia, Finn and Poe stuffed themselves into their warmest gear and ventured into the great outdoors.  It really was an alien world to Finn.  _ A beautiful alien world _ , he thought sentimentally, the snow coating everything like frosting.  Then, with delight, he stomped through the yard, ruining the perfection. “We need snow people!”

Poe rubbed his gloved hands together. “Let’s do it.”

They built a snow Finn, and a snow Poe, which Finn kept saying like it was the funniest joke ever invented, and then Poe suggested they add a snow kid, and Finn was pretty sure his eyes turned into hearts. Finn was just finishing up details when he felt something hit his back and explode. He turned slowly, as if in disbelief, and stared at Poe, who already had another snowball in his hand. “You did not.”

Poe grinned in challenge. “You fucking bet I did.”

Finn gathered some snow in his hands. “Oh, it's  _ on. _ ”

The fight was crazy, both of them running around the yard trying to find strategic places to pause. Although Poe was a great shot with a gun, his throwing arm was less than accurate, a lot less, and soon Finn had thoroughly trounced Poe. “Surrender!” Finn called out from behind the rhododendron bush. Silence. “Poe?” Finn risked a peek out into the yard. No sign of Poe. Suddenly he was being scooped up from behind, Poe's arm around his waist and snow being dumped down his back. “Foul!” Finn cried, laughing.

“All’s fair in love and snowball fights. I had to gain a tactical advantage somehow.” Poe set Finn back down on his feet, somehow unprepared for Finn to immediately turn around and tackle Poe to the ground. He pinned Poe’s arms down, leaning down to capture his mouth.

Poe moaned into his mouth, shivering, and Finn worried about Poe lying in the snow. He eased up for a split second, which Poe sensed, and immediately reversed their positions, straddling Finn and pinning  _ his  _ arms down.

“So that's how it's going to be, huh?” Finn forced the sentence out, heart beating rapidly, excitedly.

Poe whispered in his ear. “If you want top, you're going to have to fight me for it.” Finn felt Poe’s grin against his neck and turned his head, taking his mouth. Finn rolled his hips against Poe’s body, felt for the weakness, found it, and reversed their positions again.

Poe smiled up at him, challenge lighting up his eyes. Finn rolled his hips again, trying to keep Poe in place, when his cellphone started ringing. Finn was sure that Poe’s resounding noise of disappointment was reflected on his own face.

He fumbled for the inner pocket where his cellphone was kept, reading the caller id and mouthing to Poe, “Sharon,” the name of their adoption advisor.

“Hi, Sharon,” Finn said a little breathlessly.

“Finn, am I catching you at a bad time? I know the weather is making things crazy today.”

Finn considered Poe, still snug between his thighs, and removed himself, sitting cross legged on the ground.  It just didn't feel right when they were going to be talking kid business. Poe sat up, intent on the conversation. “No, now’s fine. I hope you didn't go into the office today?”

Sharon laughed politely. “Oh, no. But, I did happen to check my work email, and I have news.”

“Yes?” Finn replied anxiously. Poe gripped his knee, rubbing.

“You'll be getting a letter in the mail soon, assuming the roads are clear enough for the post office, but… You guys are approved!”

He turned to Poe, eyes bright. “We're approved?” Poe grinned, pumping a fist in the air.

“Yes!” Delight was evident in Sharon’s voice.

“Just a sec, Sharon, Poe’s here and I'm going to put you on speaker.” A pause. “Okay, so what does this mean?”

“It means that we can start looking for a match. You guys are open on most categories, especially age, which works in your favor. You could be looking at potential matches within a few weeks.”

Silence as Finn and Poe grinned dopily at each other.

“You guys still there?”

Finn dashed away the beginning of a tear with his glove. “Yeah, we're just… reacting.”

“I know, it can be an overwhelming process. Listen, I'll let you guys react together. I'll call in a few days to give you more details on the next step.”

Finn suddenly couldn't speak. “Okay, Sharon, thanks,” Poe filled in, taking the cell phone from Finn’s hand and closing the call. Finn looked at him with swimming eyes, and Poe continued to rub Finn’s knee. “Me too, baby, me too.”

Finn launched himself into Poe’s arm, burrowing into his neck and letting the tears fall.  Strange, Poe was normally the crier. “It's like, I can't believe it's actually done. We did it.” Finn leaned back and pressed a tender kiss to Poe’s lips.

“We did it.” They sat there for a few more minutes, becoming increasingly aware that all of their layers were soaked through. Poe broke first. “We should go inside before we catch cold, babe.”

Finn shivered. “Yeah, you're right. And after we warm up, I want to call Rey. And my mom and dad. And Leia.”

Poe stood, holding out hands for Finn, helping him off the ground. “I think that sounds like an excellent plan.  Here's my contribution: phone calls with hot cocoa and a fire?”

Finn squeezed Poe's hand through their gloves. “You know, there's never any doubt in my mind as to why I married you.”

The two men walked in companionable silence, hand in hand, to the house.


	23. Meet Amelia - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original summary: The development of the family relationship between Finn, Poe, and Amelia, a child they've been matched with.
> 
> Tags: Cancer, racism

Finn and Mary cheered as Poe passed to his teammate, who then scored. As he’d predicted, the weekly soccer games were one of Finn’s favorite parts of winter.  Aggressive soccer Poe wasn’t a surprise anymore, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a welcome visitor in Finn’s life.

Mary turned to him as the players reset the ball at center field. “So, you have an adoption meeting tomorrow?”

Finn fidgeted, a combination of nerves and excitement. “Yeah.  Sharon thinks she has someone for us. A little girl.  And some other possible matches.”

“Finn!” Mary hugged him, then waved her hands around, unable to contain her excitement.  “Oh, my God!  It’s happening!”

Finn smiled. “It’s happening!”  He joined her briefly in a seat boogie.

“Do you know anything else?  How old is she?  Who’s her favorite princess?  Oh, I love little girls.” Finn knew that Mary loved her nephews, but was always hoping a pregnancy announcement in her family would bring a little girl into the mix.

“Sharon hasn’t told us anything, not even her name.  We have to be patient,” Finn said, mostly to try and calm Mary down.  “It might not be the right fit.”

Mary’s eyes lit up again, though, and she burst out with “Oh! But you guys need stuff!  We should throw you a baby shower! Do adoptive parents do that?”

Finn smiled. “It’s not uncommon.  But since we know nothing about her, we probably shouldn’t go out and get all the ‘stuff’ yet.”

Mary waved a hand at that. “Oh you, being sensible.  Well, I’m keeping the idea on tap,” she said as she tapped the side of her head.

“You know I’d love anything you did in our honor.”  

Mary was uncharacteristically silent for a couple of minutes. “A few matches? Are there really that many kids out there that need adopting?”

Finn sighed.  “Yeah, sadly.  And Poe and I are just looking at domestic adoption.”

Mary looked at him. “You guys are going to make someone really happy, I just know it,” she said sincerely.  

“Thank you.  I really feel that in my heart, too.” He wrapped an arm around Mary’s waist and drew her into a side hug.  

Then, they were both cheering again as the goalie on Poe’s team made a spectacular save and everyone was racing for the opposite end of the field.

\-----------------------------------------

Hand in hand with Poe, Finn paused briefly before the door to Sharon’s office. Poe glanced at him inquiringly. “You ready, baby?”

He smiled back at Poe, then raised their hands to kiss his knuckles, as was their habit, for comfort. “We are.”

Poe smiled. “Yeah, we are.”

Minutes later they were seated in front of Sharon’s desk, waiting anxiously as she organized files on her desk.

“So,” she began, “there are several children we could look at, but I want to start with Amelia.  Her social worker and I have been talking extensively about your file, and hers, and I truly think that she could thrive with you two.” Sharon smiled sweetly at them.

She passed them a photo, and Finn held it out so they could both see it. It showed a young girl of Asian descent, not quite smiling at the camera, a black fringe of bangs across her forehead. She was sitting at the base of a tree, with a Dr. Seuss book, and, in the picture, it looked like she might have been crying recently.

“Amelia is just over four years old.  Her birthday was in early January.  She’s from Oregon. A little over a year ago, she lost both of her parents in a car accident.”

Poe sucked in a breath, and Finn clasped his hand, comforting him.

“Yes, Poe, I know you can relate to that experience, which is one of the many reasons I feel like you are all a good fit. And here’s another one: her parents were also immigrants, from Japan, and all efforts at locating family from there have proved fruitless, including working with the Japanese government.  She’s well and truly alone, and she’s been in the system since the accident.”

Finn raised an eyebrow at Sharon. “Why?  Why hasn’t she been adopted?” He knew he probably sounded naive, but really, the girl was already tugging at his heart strings.

“Amelia has a couple of things working against her in the process. Some prospective adoptees have been turned away by her background.”  Sharon pinched her lips a bit, and Finn understood that she meant the people who were looking only for white kids. “She has also been largely non-communicative since the accident.  Not selective mutism, but her way of dealing with the trauma has been to isolate herself.  She requires counseling.  She attends now, and her counselor has been very good at coaxing her to talk.  For some prospective parents, dealing with that type of thing at such a young age seems insurmountable.”

Poe was tense. In fact, he seemed to be vibrating slightly under his skin.  Finn squeezed his hand.  

“Finally, what proves to be the dealbreaker for some people who’ve looked at her, according to her social worker, is that Amelia was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when she was two years old.  She’s fairly stable, but obviously her condition requires strict supervision, especially as she grows. You two indicated that you would be willing to adopt a child with medical needs, which again shows your ability to match. However, you would need to learn a lot of information very rapidly about Amelia’s condition, as out-of-control diabetes in young children can cause cognitive problems later on.”

Poe couldn’t seem to contain himself any longer. “Are you telling me that people rejected her because she’s quiet?  And they would have to monitor her blood sugar? That’s fucking ridiculous! Is everyone’s story like this? How can you stand it without just saying, ‘Let’s adopt the whole world?’” Finn reached over to rub Poe’s tense shoulders.

“Frankly, I agree with you, Poe, which is why I’m introducing you to Amelia. I see a lot of heartbreak in my line of work, and I honestly think that you two could be the ones to alleviate hers.”  She looked pointedly at the way Finn was soothing Poe.  “The love in your household was apparent to me the first time I met with you both. Listen, I’m going to give you two a second to talk.  Would you like anything to drink?” They both declined, and she left her office, shutting the door behind her.

Poe stood, pacing away some of his irritation. Finn let him, knowing Poe well enough to see that he needed to work it out. Finally, Poe stopped and sat again, taking Finn’s hands. “I...I know that when we meet her, it may not work, but you're with me on this, right?”

Finn looked straight into Poe’s eyes. “Absolutely. I'm 100% with you, always. Let's meet Amelia. I'll go get Sharon.” He got up, then paused and placed a hand on Poe’s shoulder, squeezing when Poe looked up at him. “It pisses me off, too, Poe. I hope we can be the ones for Amelia. She deserves better than what's she's gotten out of life so far.”

\------------------

Within a few days, a meeting was set at Amelia’s current foster home. Finn was grateful that her counselor had agreed to come, along with her social worker who was required to be there, so that Amelia would have a buffer between herself and total strangers.

It was a rainy January morning, one of those days that made it feel like winter was just going to keep on going forever. As Poe pulled up to the nondescript house in one of the Portland suburbs, Finn clutched the stuffed toy he'd brought. He'd been happy to find it, knew it was fate when he'd seen the stuffed black cat with blue eyes. He could give Amelia her own Buli to play with.

They were greeted at the door by the foster mom, Linda, who looked apologetic. “Amelia hasn't come out of her room all morning.”

A kind looking man crossed the room, holding out his hand. “Hi, I'm Steve Drew, Amelia’s counselor.” Finn and Poe introduced themselves, shaking hands with Steve, and Avery, Amelia’s caseworker. “I've prepared Amelia as much as possible for your visit. I think she would be happy to let us meet in her room, if we ask.”

Finn nodded. “That would be fine.”

Steve led them down a hallway, knocking lightly on a door. A pause, and then the door opened and there she was, pensive face, straight glossy black hair hanging to her shoulders, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with Nemo on it. Finn knew his heart was in his throat, and he reached for Poe’s hand.

“Amelia, I'd like you to meet Finn and Poe.” They each raised a hand in greeting. “Could we come in?”

Amelia peered at Finn and Poe with guarded eyes, but nodded, opening the door wider. The room was comfortable but contained only the necessities.  Finn longed to give her a room filled with anything she ever wanted, even as he knew that her foster parents were doing what they could.  Amelia crossed over to the window, staring out at the rain.  Steve sat on the floor, cross legged, and indicated that Finn and Poe should do the same, as Avery remained standing by the door, observing. Finn tried not to fidget in the awkward silence, and felt Poe doing the same next to him. Steve gave them a reassuring nod.

“Amelia, would you like to show Finn and Poe your book collection?”

She turned around, eyes a bit brighter, smiling slightly, and nodded. She went to the closet and dug out a stack of books.  She sat between Finn and Steve, probably because at least she knew Steve, but she looked up at Finn and said, “These are my favorites,” in a near whisper.

Finn went through the stack one by one, asking Amelia about each book.  Finn noticed Poe scoot closer and was happy when the movement didn’t startle Amelia away.  When they had gone through the stack, Amelia looked at Finn again. “When will it stop raining?”

Finn smiled, and Poe chuckled a bit. “You sound like Finn,” Poe said to her. “He doesn’t like the rain either.”

Amelia glanced between Finn and Poe, lips pursed. “No, I like the rain, it’s just that Linda won’t let me outside when it’s raining.” She said this matter of factly.

“Do you like to go outside?” Finn asked.

Amelia’s eyes widened, and she became the most animated she had been so far. “I love outside!  There are flowers, and trees, and bugs, and puddles, and sometimes we go to the park.”

“We love the outdoors, too,” Finn responded. “In fact, we live on a farm.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, it’s a place where people grow food outdoors, and there are horses, and cows, and chickens.”  With each word Finn added, Amelia’s eyes grew larger and larger.

“Can I go to your farm?” she asked excitedly.

The adults shared a glance, and Finn smiled again. “If you want to, I’m sure we could make that happen.”  Finn pulled the stuffed toy out from under his shed jacket. “If you come visit, you’ll get to meet Buli.  She’s our kitty and she looks just like this.” He handed the toy to Amelia.

Amelia patted the fake fur with reverence. “That sounds fun.”

“And we can show you the chicken coop, and the horse stable,” Poe added.  Amelia smiled at him.

They continued to visit, Finn and Poe reading Amelia some of her books and continuing to talk about all the activities that could be done outdoors.

After a while, Amelia looked over at Steve, and whispered, “You’re right, Steve.  I do like Finn and Poe.”

Finn saw Poe gulp rapidly out of the corner of his eye, knew he was fighting to hold in his feelings like always. He rubbed Poe’s knee.  “Do you know why we're here, Amelia?”

“Steve said that maybe you would take care of me. If I want you to.”

“That's right. And maybe, Amelia, if you’d like it, you could come live with us.”

“I want to visit the farm first,” Amelia said practically, making all of the adults laugh.

When Finn and Poe prepared to leave Amelia’s room, she smiled and waved from the doorway.  But, as Finn was getting ready to walk out the front door, he heard rapid little feet behind him and suddenly Amelia was attached to his leg. She looked up at him. “Thank you for Buli.” She was still clutching the toy. “Goodbye,” she whispered softly, aware of the many adults in the room.  Finn crouched down at her eye level and kissed her cheek.

“Goodbye, sweet pea.”

She ran just as quickly back to the safety of her room.

In the pickup, Poe held out his hand, kissed Finn’s, and smiled. “You made an impact.”

“Yeah,” Finn said, surprised at the tears stinging his eyes. “Well, we did, I think.”

Poe’s smile faltered a bit. “I’ll tell you right now that I will do my damnedest to make sure we get to keep Amelia, if she wants us.  But you won her heart, not me.” Poe raised a hand to stop Finn, who had opened his mouth. “I know, it sounds really selfish.  I hate myself a bit for saying it.”

Finn knew this was Poe’s past insecurities rearing their ugly head again. “Poe, it’s okay.  This is all the kind of stuff we have to figure out parenting.  But, I also truly believe she’s going to worship her cowboy daddy someday. Who’s going to do all the outdoorsy stuff with her? Trust me.”

Poe inhaled deeply. “You’re right,” he said finally. “Finn, I’m already in love.  When she made all the animal sounds for that one book?  Heart, gone.  Goodbye.”

Finn smiled. “Me too.  And how she kept her mini-Buli with her the whole time.”

“I want to buy her, like, five thousand toys.”

“Well, we can start with the necessities, right?  Like a car seat. Do you think we should upgrade the pickup?  She won’t be able to ride in here for years.  Oh, and we should paint her room…”

\-----------------------------------------

They met again, and this time it wasn’t raining, so even though it was freezing, they all walked to the park.  Amelia asked Finn to push her in the swing.  Poe made faces at her every time she swung up, making her giggle. Finn wasn’t sure his heart would be able to take it.  Finn and Poe had also met with the doctors that were currently involved with Amelia’s diabetes care, and learned how to monitor blood sugar and symptoms for hypoglycemia. It was overwhelming, but they were determined.

Everyone agreed, even Amelia, in a quiet voice, that things were going well.  The weekend after their second meeting, they brought Amelia to the farm for two days, just to test things out.

Amelia was quiet on the drive, until they started to slow down for the turn into their driveway. “Are we here?”

“Yeah, this is it!” When the car stopped, Finn got out and got Amelia out of her car seat along with her stuffed Buli.  He kept her on his hip for a second, and pointed. “I know there’s not a lot to see right now in February, but look, some of the flowers we planted are starting to send up shoots.”  Finn carried her over to the garden, setting her down and examining the bulb shoots with her. “These are going to be daffodils, and over here, crocus.”

Poe walked up behind them, carrying Amelia’s small pack of overnight necessities. “What would you like to do first, Amelia?  We could meet the real Buli, or we could walk to the farm.”

Still shy with Poe, Amelia looked down at the ground and answered in a whisper, “Can we go to the farm?”

“Sure, sweet pea,” Finn responded. “Would you like a snack on our way?” She nodded, and Poe handed her a cheese stick from her pack before taking everything inside. Since Amelia was small for her age, Finn could offer, “Do you want a ride on my shoulders?”  Her eyes lit up and she nodded.

Once she was situated, Poe having returned and smiling at the sight, and they were all walking the path to the farm, Amelia leaned to whisper in Finn’s ear. “Why do you call me sweet pea?”

“Uh, it’s an endearment,” Finn looked at Poe for help.  “Like a nickname.”

“Yeah, like how sometimes you hear me call Finn “baby”?  That’s a nickname.  I use it because I love him,” said Poe sincerely, looking first at Amelia and then Finn.  At Finn’s smile, he leaned in to brush his lips across Finn’s, which made Amelia giggle.

“So, do you love me, Finn?”

Finn locked eyes with Poe, and could have punched him for the humor he saw jumping in Poe’s eyes. Poe made up for it by rubbing Finn’s arm.  “Yes, Amelia, I do.”

“So, if I love you, should I call you baby?”

This time neither Finn or Poe could contain the smirks. They were approaching the cottage, and Finn lifted Amelia off his shoulders, which gave him time to think of a proper response.  He knelt on one knee in front of her. “Well, if you do love me, and it’s okay if you don’t think you do right now, maybe you could call me daddy.  Or dad.”

Amelia very seriously pondered that, as if she was filing it away for future reference. “Okay.”

Finn stood up, holding out a hand for Amelia to grab, and another for Poe.  They showed Amelia the cottage, where she stood slightly behind Finn to meet Elisa, then the fields, the greenhouses, the chicken yard, and finally the horse barn.

Finn helped Amelia feed BB-8 a carrot.  The horse nickered in delight, which was always slightly off putting to Finn, but Amelia smiled. Finn glanced at Poe. “Amelia, did you know that Poe can ride horses?”

As Finn had hoped, Amelia looked at Poe with big eyes full of wonder. “You can?”

Poe nodded. “It’s easier to get around the farm if I use BB-8 here.”  Amelia’s little mouth dropped open, which was pretty much the cutest thing Finn had seen her do, in the last five minutes anyway. “And someday, when you’re a little bigger, I could teach you how to ride, too.”

Her stunned expression grew bigger, somehow. “Yes!  I want to do that!  When?”

Poe lifted her up to his hip, and brought her closer to BB-8 so she could pet the horse’s mane. “A few years should do it.”

“Years! But that’s forever!” Amelia pouted.

_ Oh man, she’s going to have us wrapped around her finger,  _ Finn thought as he saw conflict on Poe’s face.

Poe made his decision, and pulled up his lip in a pout, too. In his best toddler girl pouty voice, he said, “I know, it’s forever.  But those are the rules, and we have to follow the rules.”

Amelia giggled at the face and the voice, and the crisis was averted.

They took her to meet Leia, and surprisingly, Amelia took to her almost right away.  Then again, Leia was always wonderful with the children who came to the farm, so maybe it wasn’t a surprise that she had Amelia basically eating out of her hand by the end of the visit.

They walked home in the dark, then gave Amelia a tour of the house. Finn paused, his hand on a doorknob. “Here’s where you will be staying, Amelia,” swinging the door open wide with a little flair.

Immediately after their first meeting, Finn and Poe had set about painting the room for her.  The four walls feature a continuous outdoors scene, with green grass and a blue sky peppered with white fluffy clouds.  After borrowing a projector from work, Finn had painted a fairly passable oak tree on one wall.  The bed, night stand, and bookshelf were all painted a forest green.  Finn held his breath as Amelia stepped into the room. He glanced at Poe nervously.  Poe smiled and moved closer to him, picking up his hand in comfort.

“I get to sleep in here?”

“Yeah, we were hoping that, even if it was rainy, you’d have a place to remind you of the outdoors.”

Amelia turned to face them, taking in their joined hands for a second, and smiled. “It’s so pretty!”  She ran back to them and hugged both of them around their knees. Finn ran a hand through her hair affectionately. When she was done, she looked back up at them.  “Finn, Poe, I’m hungry.”

“Well then, sounds like it’s dinner time,” Poe said. He looked at Finn “Why don't I get things started while you guys take care of…” His eyes moved to Amelia’s overnight bag pointedly.

Finn nodded. Logically, it made sense for Finn to do the blood sugar testing, since Amelia was more comfortable with him. That didn't mean that he wouldn't be extracting some payback from Poe for making him do it first when they were alone in bed later. Even though the doctor had had Finn and Poe practice on each other, Finn was still nervous about causing Amelia any sort of pain.

But, when he got out the blood testing kit, Amelia came over and sat on her bed, obediently sticking out her hand.  _ I guess if you have to do something twice a day or more, you get used to it,  _ Finn thought.  _ God willing, I get the same chance.  _ Finn went through the actions, Amelia quietly correcting him sometimes, and recorded the date, time and blood sugar number in the little journal that was kept with her stuff. When he was done, he wrapped her in his arms, intending to hug and release her quickly, more as comfort to himself, but she hugged him back, and he placed a quick kiss on the crown of her head, murmuring, “That's my brave little sweet pea.”

After a moment, she pulled back, and Finn said, “Shall we go see what Poe’s up to?” She nodded eagerly. Finn smiled. He'd make a Poe-lover of her yet.  They found Poe in the living room, picking at his guitar, a kitchen timer in front of him.

Poe looked up and smiled at them as they walked in, the love on his face so apparent, Finn wasn't sure why he didn't just melt into a puddle. “How'd everything go?” He continued to play, and Amelia walked to him to get a closer look.

“A-Ok. Pizza’s in the oven?” Poe nodded. Finn was obsessed now with diabetes websites. If he had any time at work, he shifted over to an open tab of recipes or forums for parents of toddlers with diabetes. And though their cooking skills were both limited, they'd put together a whole wheat crust pizza for tonight that had been recommended on one of the posts. Finn chewed his lip, knowing toddlers were notorious for refusing food.

Poe, who had been showing Amelia how to play different chords, glanced up and noticed Finn’s worried habit. He looked back at Amelia. “Would you like me to sing you a song?” Amelia nodded eagerly, then laughed when she recognized I See the Light from Tangled. Poe had been working to add a lot of kid friendly songs to his repertoire over the last six months. Finn knew that Poe was trying to relax him, but didn't begrudge him the fact that it worked. He sat on the couch next to Poe, wrapping an arm around his waist and laying his head down on his shoulder. Amelia climbed into his lap, and they both listened to Poe until the timer went off a few minutes later. Years afterward, Finn would reflect that it was the first time the three of them felt like a real family.

Despite Finn’s worries, they all came through dinner like a champ. They tried to replicate the routine her foster mother Linda had implemented, which meant pajamas at 7, insulin shot given, teeth brushed and ready for stories by 7:15. Finn was grateful that, even though it was awful that prospective adoptive parents had overlooked Amelia, at least she had been in an excellent foster situation for the last six or so months. When Finn finished reading The Cat in the Hat, Poe leaned in to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. Finn followed suit, whispering, “Goodnight, sweet pea.”

“Goodnight, daddy,” she whispered back as she closed her eyes.  

Finn was as stunned as if he'd been sucker punched in the nose. In fact, Poe had to tug him up off the bed, coax him out of the room, so Amelia could sleep.

They made it downstairs before Finn was a weepy mess, face buried in Poe’s shoulder, Poe’s hands rubbing over his back. “Shhh, baby,” Poe said. Finn heard the catch of emotion in his voice too.

“I didn't realize fatherhood would turn me into a cry baby,” Finn mumbled into Poe’s neck.

Finn felt Poe’s chuckle rumble through his chest. “I object to the term ‘cry baby.’ We prefer ‘sensitive.’”

Tears finished, Finn chuckled too, then lifted his head to capture Poe’s mouth. A vital urgency filled him, all of a sudden, like everything was falling into place and he had to show Poe exactly how much he loved him, right now.

When they were finished, laying out on the living room rug, breathless, they both realized that Amelia could have walked in on them at any time, and wouldn't that have been an interesting conversation.

“We'll be more careful next time,” Poe said, still kissing and sucking at Finn’s throat from below him. “Just boring vanilla bed sex from now on.”

Finn smiled, too tired to laugh. “Yes, because confining ourselves to our bed has always stopped us from anything except boring, vanilla sex.” He extracted himself from Poe, sitting up and beginning to gather their clothes. He helped Poe clean up, then yawned. “I didn't realize parents imposed a bed time so that they could go to bed early too.”

“Well, I'm sure they also want to fuck first, then go to bed.” Poe grinned.

\-------------------------

Poe woke Finn up the next morning by sitting on his side of the bed and running a hand over his cheek. Finn blinked at him, taking in the fact that he was fully dressed. “Good morning, babe.  I checked on Amelia, she was up but playing by herself in her room.”

Finn processed that slowly. “She probably needs some time to herself.  Did you-”

“Yeah, blood sugar and insulin done. No crying from anyone, I’m very proud of myself.” Poe smiled.

Finn sat up, brushing his lips across Poe’s. “I’m proud of you, too,” he said sincerely.  

“I think Buli slept with her last night. She’s in there now on Amelia’s bed, anyway.”

“Awwww.”  Still tired, feeling sentimental, he rested his forehead against Poe’s. “We’re so fucking lucky.”

“Yeah, we are.”

Finn inhaled deeply, lifting his head and throwing his covers off. “Okay, I can put together breakfast. Did you talk to her about going to the zoo? Is it raining?”

“Yes, we talked, and she thinks that sounds fun, and no, it’s not raining. In fact, we’re supposed to have a high of 50 today.”

“Anything else?” Finn was pulling on a shirt.

“Well, she asked if daddy was up yet.” Poe crossed to him, hugging Finn around the waist. “I guess she’s made up her mind about you anyway.”

“Just promise me you won’t take her riding just to get her to love you,” Finn said, squeezing Poe and then releasing him, trying to keep things light.

Poe seemed to accept his ploy. “Scout’s honor.”

Finn turned as he headed out into the hallway. “That doesn’t work on me, Poe.  I know you were never a scout!”

Taking Amelia to the Portland zoo was both exhilarating and a lesson in patience for Finn and Poe. It was hard not to smile endearingly as she got the same wide-eyed expression over every single animal habitat, but Amelia herself became annoyed when Finn fussed too much over her blood sugar levels.  She was in the middle of refusing a snack from Finn after running around the play area, when Poe asked Finn to step away and breathe for a bit.  Finn didn’t know what Poe and Amelia talked about, but she accepted the cheese stick from him.  Finn tried not to feel frustrated that _he_ hadn't been able to get her to eat it.   _This is parenting, right?_ _Doesn’t matter who gets to the finish line, as long as we get there. Pull it together, Finn._

Finn was not at all surprised when Amelia fell asleep in the car seat on the ride home, and rather than disturb her, Poe drove them around the Willamette Valley country for a bit.  The land was starting to show more signs of Spring, which felt so right considering how Finn was brimming with light and happiness. When Amelia started stirring, they began to head home.  By the time they reached the house, Amelia was already halfway through a rambling account of all the amazing animals she had seen that day.

Finn lifted her out of her car seat and set her on the ground, and she held a hand out to him, even though they were feet away from the house. He grasped it. “And remember, daddy, the lion?  I was hoping he would roar but he was asleep.” She held the stuffed lion they had gotten her from the gift shop.

Finn let them in the side door, signalling Amelia to wipe her shoes by wiping his own. “Well, remember when you met Buli yesterday and she was asleep?  Lions are just like big kitties.  They like to sleep all day, too.  But if the lion had roared, what would he have sounded like?”  Finn smiled at Poe as she made a loud roaring sound for her stuffed lion.

“Can I go put my lion with my Buli?”

“Of course, sweet pea.  Would you like to play in your room a bit?”

“Yeah,” she said, shyly. It was something to work on, Finn noted, teaching her that it was alright to ask to be alone.

When she had run upstairs, Poe turned to Finn. “You know, we’re damned lucky that none of the other prospective parents actually hung out with her for more than 5 minutes, or they would have noticed that she’s one of those people who’s only shy around people they don’t know. Kind of like you.”

Finn got indignant. “Excuse me, which of the two of us let a complete stranger, possibly an ax murderer, carry him off to parts unknown on the first day they met?  _ And  _ let him kiss me?”

“What can I say, babe?” Poe stole a quick kiss. “Obviously I bring out the best in you.”

Finn snorted. “Obviously.” But then he broke, smiling. “ You're right. We’re damned lucky all the other couples didn't match with Amelia.”

Later that evening, Finn grinned down at his mom via video chat on his phone.  “Hi! Are you guys ready to meet Amelia?”

“Your father might be along later,” Anne said, and Finn could tell she was trying to send a message through her eyes to him, but he didn’t exactly know what it was.

He frowned slightly. “Okay, well, I’m not sure if she’ll just want to sit down and talk, mom, but she’s playing in the living room right now, so I thought maybe we could do a low pressure visit?”

Anne smiled. “That’s fine, Finn. I’ll take time with my prospective granddaughter any way I can.”

“Oh, um,” and Finn felt himself flush a bit, “she calls me daddy now.”

Anne’s eyes lit up, and she glanced at something off screen. “Oh, honey.  How wonderful.”

Finn blew out a breath, smiling. “Okay, let’s meet Amelia.” He walked to the living room and sat on the couch.  Poe was showing Amelia the Duplo blocks they’d picked up at a thrift store somewhere.

Poe waved to the phone.  “Hi, Anne, Findley.”  Amelia looked up from the structure she was building, then came over to Finn to check out what he was doing.

“Amelia, this is my mom, Anne.  Do you want to say hi?”  Amelia stared intently at the small screen, looking back and forth between Finn and Anne. Then, she climbed up next to Finn, laying into his side, and waved at the screen. Poe came to join them.

“This is going to sound strange, Finn, believe me, I know it, but she reminds me of you at that age.”

Finn and Poe smiled, and Amelia looked up at Finn, confused. “But we don’t look anything like each other, daddy. Not like you and her,” Amelia said quietly, pointing to Anne.

Finn was at a loss, but Anne stepped in, “You and daddy might not have the same skin color, sweetie, but inside, I bet you’re very similar.”

Amelia looked at Finn with wide eyes. “Woooooow,” she said softly, and everyone laughed. Finn thought he heard his father’s low rumbling laugh from offscreen.

They chatted for awhile longer before starting their goodbyes. “So, Amelia gets to stay with us tonight, and then we get to have a nice Sunday breakfast, and we’ll take her to an appointment with Steve, her counselor.”  Amelia perked up slightly at Steve’s name.

“And then I get to come back and sleep here, right?”

Poe and Finn glanced at each other over Amelia’s head.  Finn answered. “Um, if that’s what you want to do, sweet pea.  Do you want to stay with us?”  On the other line, it seemed like Anne was holding her breath.

“Do I get to stay forever, or do I have to move again like I did before?”

This time, Poe replied, “You could stay with us forever, if you want to.” Poe looked into Amelia’s eyes. “Finn and I want you to stay very much.  We were hoping that you would like us as much as we love you.”

Amelia’s eyes got very serious as she looked at Poe, then Finn, then back to Poe. “I want to stay here with you and daddy and Buli and BB-8 and my indoor tree and my outdoor trees and the chickens and…” she faltered, trying to think of more things to list.

“Well, then,” said Finn, as all the adults smiled, “I think we can make that happen.”

Anne wiped away a tear, then looked like she was steeling herself to say something hard. “I know you need to go, Finn, but could we talk privately for a moment?”

Finn met Poe’s eyes again over Amelia’s head. Poe stepped in. “Amelia, can you wave goodbye to Anne?  We need to do pjs and teeth and insulin.”  Amelia waved, and Poe bundled her upstairs.

“She’s precious,” Anne sighed.

“She totally is. Mom, what’s up? How come dad won’t come on the screen?  I can hear you back there, dad.”

Anne moved her screen to include Findley, and Finn gasped a bit at the change.  Findley sat in an armchair, though it seemed like the armchair was swallowing him, a blanket over his slender body, and oxygen tubing running around his ears and to his nose.

“Don’t be upset, Finn. I won’t have my only grandchild remembering me as some laid up invalid with scary tubes coming out of my face.” Just like that, Finn’s heart was breaking.  _ How is he already so far gone? _

Anne clutched Findley’s hand for a moment, then got up, moving out of the room. “Finn, they… his doctors have brought up hospice care. I know things are going to be busy for you for awhile, but if you could visit, one last time… It would mean a lot to both of us.”

“Do they, do you know how much time he has?”

“They think eight weeks, maybe ten.”

“But that’s not a year!  Last July, you guys said a year!”

Anne eyes teared up. “Oh, honey.  That’s the denial talking.  Believe me, I’ve been there. I wish I could give you a hug right now, Finn.”

“I- We need to do all of the paperwork still, for Amelia.  And settle into a routine.  Finalize our childcare… and I don’t want Amelia to think I’m abandoning her.”

Anne looked disappointed. “I understand, Finn. Truly.”

“No, mom, I’m coming.  I’m just talking it out. I can maybe do three weeks?  If something doesn’t suddenly happen sooner.” He realized he’d just called his father’s death ‘something.’  “I’ll make it work.  I’ll talk to Greg at work, and get some time.  I’ll make it work.”

Now there was a look of relief on Anne’s face, like she was happy she wasn’t going to have to face this alone. “I’ll let you know if anything changes.  I love you, Finn.”

“Love you, mom.”  Finn disconnected, then dropped his head into his hands.  Poe found him like that a few minutes later, and Finn felt the couch sink, felt Poe’s arms wrap around him and pull him into Poe’s warmth. Finn had no tears, but whispered the new information to Poe while Poe gently rocked him.

\---------------------------------------------

The three week deadline meant everything had to be pushed more quickly, but it helped that Amelia was unwilling to spend another day without Finn and Poe.  In fact, she fell into the rhythm of their lives so easily that it was like she had been made for them.  Her routines were incorporated into theirs without  awkwardness.  Finn and Poe got used to carrying around a messenger bag of her snacks and medical supplies. Poe even found a used pickup with a four door cab, so he could maintain the utility of a work vehicle and have space for a car seat, too. Amelia sat with Finn to watch Poe play soccer, which she enjoyed.  She also enjoyed Mary, who liked to braid her hair, but most of Mary's nephews were a little too rambunctious for her.

Poe had stepped back from some of the final winter work to take a week to hang out with Amelia and help her acclimate. They had a smooth relationship for the most part, although Amelia always wanted to FaceTime on Finn’s lunch and insisted that she and Poe wait for Finn outside when they heard his car pull into the driveway. Finn and Poe continued to take her to appointments with Steve, where she was amazing everyone with her progress.  They found a daycare provider with expertise in monitoring children with diabetes.

Adoption finalization would take at least six months, as the state, via her social worker, determined whether it was a good fit.  Until then, Finn and Poe were legally considered her foster parents. Finn considered the wait a good omen, as it seemed that all of the great moments of his life happened in the summer. He told Mary that she could tentatively plan a party for August.

The night before he had to fly to Santa Fe, Finn went to bed shortly after Amelia to get some sleep before his redeye.  Still, he woke up when he heard whimpering sounds coming from the monitor in Amelia’s room.  He got up groggily, to find Poe, the other monitor still attached to his belt, already opening the door to Amelia’s room.  He stood back, letting Poe deal with it on his own.

Poe sat on the edge of Amelia’s bed and began rubbing her back, just like he did when Finn was upset. “Shhhh, honey.  It’s okay.  Did you have a nightmare?”  Amelia nodded, tear tracks streaming down her face. “Do you want to tell me about it?” She shook her head.

“Would you sing to me?” she asked, in a whisper that Finn almost couldn’t hear.

“Of course,” Poe replied, continuing to rub her back.

_ "Close your eyes, lay your head down, now it's time to sleep _

_ May you find great adventure as you lie and dream _

_ If you're scared of the darkness, I will calm your fear _

_ There's a light in the hallway, so you know I'm here _

_ So count your blessings every day _

_ It makes the monsters go away _

_ And everything will be okay _

_ You are not alone _

_ You are right at home _

_ Goodnight, goodnight" _

Amelia looked up at him pensively, tears stopped but not sleepy yet. “What does “Count your blessings” mean?”

“It means, make a list of all the good things in your life. If you think about the good things, about the things you love, it will chase the monsters away.”

“Like Buli,” she said as she snuggled her stuffed cat tighter to her chest.  From the bottom of the bed, the real Buli raised her head and blinked.

“Yeah, like Buli.  Or like, your room, or Miss Hannah from school, or your daddy.”

Amelia unclutched a hand from her stuffed cat to trace figures on Poe’s knee. “Don’t forget you, daddy. I love you, too.”

Finn’s breath caught in his throat.

“Do you think daddy will get mad if I call you daddy, too?”

Finn entered the room. “Absolutely not.  I would love to share the name.”  He sat down beside Poe on Amelia’s bed, hand covering Poe’s. He didn’t need to glance at Poe to know that Poe was trying to process his emotions. “We love you, Amelia.  Do you think you can fall back asleep now?”

She nodded, and Poe leaned down to plant a kiss on her forehead. Finn smoothed her hair, and tucked her blanket in around her.

They left the room, and this time it was Finn who comforted Poe as he let some of his emotions go.  Poe lifted his head suddenly, worried look on his face.  “Babe, you should be sleeping.  You have to get up in, what, 2 hours?” He started dragging Finn back to the bedroom.

“I might as well stay up at this point.” Finn grinned. “Maybe you could entertain me?  Distract me from the fact that I have to get into a metal tube 30,000 feet in the air with a hundred other people in a few hours?”

“Hmm.  Okay,” Poe said, as he tugged at the strings of Finn’s pajama pants. “What would you like to do?  Monopoly?  Parcheesi?” Poe ran his hand down the full length of Finn, and smirked. “Poker?”

Finn groaned. “Oh, wow, babe, that was  _ horrible _ . Already mastering dad jokes, huh?”

“Mouthy tonight, huh?” Poe retorted, groaning as well when Finn’s clever hands found their way to his sensitive spots, too. Finn laughed as Poe pulled them into the bed.


	24. Generous - Rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn is in Sante Fe, dealing with his father's illness.
> 
> Tags: Cancer, Parent Death

“But Daddy, listen,” Amelia said, and Finn could hear the excitement in her voice even through the laptop speakers. “I told Daddy that I had two of lots of things.  Like, I have  _ two  _ Bulis, and I have  _ two  _ daddies, and I have Nana Leia and Nana Anne…”

“Yeah, and you have  _ two  _ aunties, Auntie Rey and Aunt Jess,” Finn agreed, smiling.

Above her head, Poe rolled his eyes at Finn and mouthed, “Just wait for it.”

“And so I asked Daddy why I couldn’t have  _ two  _ scoops of ice cream.” Amelia held her hands up, like her little girl logic was infallible.

Finn had to glance away from the screen for a second, because he knew if he looked at Poe right now he’d crack and lose it.  _ Who knew kids could be so freaking hilarious?  _  He took a deep breath and turned back. “Ice cream is yummy, sweet pea, but it’s only a every-once-in-awhile treat.  I think it’s nice that Daddy took you to ice cream because you were feeling sad about me being gone.  And because you ate all of your chicken and veggies.” Finn and Poe were trying to walk the fine line of helping Amelia understand her disease and not make her feel stifled by it. “Did you say thank you?”

Amelia frowned, probably disappointed that she hadn’t been able to convince Finn she was right either, but cleared her face to look at Poe. “Thank you, Daddy. The  _ one  _ scoop I had was very tasty.”  

“The  _ one  _ scoop I had was very tasty, too.  Okay, nugget, say goodnight to Daddy, it’s time for pajamas.”

Amelia’s face crumpled, tears already forming in her eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest in classic preschooler tantrum pose. “But I want Daddy to read me a story! Why can’t he be here?”

Finn grimaced, feeling guilty about sitting hundreds of miles away on a bed in Sante Fe. “I’ll be back soon, Amelia. I promise.  You’re so tired, sweet pea.  You’ll feel better when you sleep.  And you can pet Buli for me.  I miss you both. I love you,” Finn pressed two fingers to his lips, then held them up to his laptop camera.

Amelia didn’t look mollified, but repeated the kissing gesture with her fingers before leaving the couch. “I love you, too, Daddy.”

“I love you, three,” Poe replied, and Amelia looked up at him, surprised, then giggled.

“That's silly, Daddy.”

Finn listened to her footsteps running up the stairs. He watched Poe’s eyes follow her progress, then turn back to look at him.  The guilt speared inside of Finn at the bags he saw under Poe’s eyes. “You look tired, baby.  I’m sorry I’m not there. Sorry you’ve had to be a single parent this week.”

Poe waved a hand up, dismissing Finn’s words. “I could say the same for you, Finn. I wish I could just reach through the screen and touch you. I don’t know why, but this is worse than when you were at UC-Davis, and you’ve only been gone for three days.” Poe sighed, eyes full of sympathy as they watched Finn. They both knew why it was worse. “I can tell you need to talk, baby.  I’ll call you back when Amelia’s down.”

Guilt ate Finn up further, but it was almost drowned out by the love that swamped him.  “Please, Poe. Please do that.  I love you.”

“I love you,” Poe murmured as he stood up to take care of Amelia, and the call ended.

Originally, Finn had planned on a quick trip to visit Findley and Anne.  About the only piece of Finn’s life that wasn’t hectic at the moment was work, which was only because Greg had graciously agreed to postpone Finn’s training and his own retirement until things settled down in Finn’s personal life.  Finn was still handling everything he could from his laptop for Greg.  Poe and Amelia weren’t the only names on Finn’s guilt list.

When he’d arrive in Santa Fe, Jess had been waiting for him at the airport. He would be staying with Jess and Rey at their condo, but asked Jess if she’d drop him off at his parents’ place first.  Upon Findley’s final prognosis, the stern man had insisted that they sell the house Finn had grown up in, or rather, visited from time to time between boarding school semesters, and downsize.  Findley hadn’t wanted to saddle Anne with the burden of dealing with the big home by herself, and Anne had acquiesced. So, Jess drove Finn to the small apartment near the hospital, where Findley could receive hospice care that would make him as comfortable as possible before he passed.

“Do you want me to go in?” The fact that Jess asked, when Finn knew such situations made her uncomfortable, meant a lot, and he placed a hand over hers on the steering wheel.

“No, it’s okay.  I can grab a cab back to your place.”

Jess looked into Finn’s eyes, and arched a brow. “No, you’ll text me when you’re done, and I’ll come get you.  Don’t argue with me, Smith.”

Finn smiled briefly, and nodded. He left his carry on bag in Jess’s car, and headed for the apartment.

A middle aged woman in scrubs answered. “How can I… Wait, I recognize you.  From the wedding photo. You must be the son, Finn? You and your husband looked so handsome.”

Awkwardly, Finn held out a hand. “Thank you. Yes, I am.  Finn Smith.”

“Shayann Carpenter, but you can call me Nurse Shay.  Please, come in.  Your father is resting, so I convinced your mother to take a nap.”  Nurse Shay stepped back, allowing Finn in the door. “I’m so glad you were able to make it.  Findley requests to see you every day.”

Finn’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Really?”

“Really,” came Anne’s voice from the short hallway. She looked tired, or maybe it was because it was one of the first times Finn could remember seeing her without makeup on.  She hadn’t done her hair, either, and the natural black curls were tucked up in a handkerchief.  Finn immediately went over to hug her, and she whispered in his ear, “Thank you for coming.  I know it wasn’t easy to get away.”

“Anne, I was hoping you would sleep longer,” Nurse Shay said in a chastising tone.

“I’ll have time for sleep later.” Finn didn’t miss his mother’s implication. He vowed internally to help her any way he could.

“So, Dad is, uh, resting?”

“The pain medication knocks him out,” Anne explained. “He’ll be so happy to see you here, Finn.”

“Okay,” Finn said awkwardly.  He wasn’t sure if he’d ever even seen his dad happy, let alone happy to see  _ him _ .

“Why don’t you go sit with him, Finn?” suggested Nurse Shay. She led him into the living area, where his father lay in a hospital bed, various monitors attached to him, all beeping steadily.  There was already a chair by the bed, which Finn knew his mother must occupy most of the time.  Anne pulled another chair up, gestured for Finn to sit.

_ His face is stern, even in sleep _ , Finn thought.  

“We can talk,” Anne said.  “He’s well and truly out from the meds.” She paused. “You’re his first visitor in a while.  He won’t let anyone else see him like this. Invited his friends from the club for one last whiskey and cigar two months ago.  But he’s been waiting on you.”

Guilt stirred in Finn. “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner,” he said, looking at Anne with sincere eyes, trying to get her to believe him.

Anne reached out to pat Finn’s knee. “It’s okay, Finn. He understands.  I understand. We do,” she emphasized, when Finn opened his mouth.  Finn couldn’t think of anything to say, and the two lapsed into silence.  A small smile lifted Anne’s lips.  “How’s Amelia?”

_ Amelia, I can talk about _ , thought Finn. “Amazing. Incredible. I love her so much. She's so... It's so overwhelming, in the best way possible. She called Poe ‘Daddy’ last night.  That made it somewhat easier to leave them alone.”

Anne looked at him with sympathetic eyes. “They’ll be fine, I’m sure.  They may limp along without you, but they’ll make it. And you have a wonderful family at Organa’s that will help.”

Finn sighed. “That’s true.”

“Now, I’m sure you have pictures.” Anne’s lips tipped up again.

Finn actually managed a quick laugh, and pulled out his phone. “Oh yes, we have pictures.”  He opened them up on the phone and started to scroll through them, phone screen angled at Anne.

“Oh, how lovely, dear,” Anne murmured as Finn paused on a picture of Poe, Amelia, and him sitting on their front porch.  Elisa had snapped it for them just a few days before. Anne placed a hand on her heart, then dashed a tear away. “Oh, my.  I didn’t think that would touch me so much. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Poe had a similar reaction.  It’s his lock screen now.”

They continued to look at photos on Finn’s phone, Finn coming out of his shell as he talked about Poe and Amelia. He was telling Anne about being an emotional wreck dropping Amelia off for her first day of daycare when Findley began to stir.

“Finn?” Findley’s voice was weak.

Finn stood, moving closer to the bed. “Hi, Dad.”

A smile ghosted around Findley’s mouth. “You made it.”

“I made it. I’m here.” Findley held out a hand, and Finn gripped it lightly.  “Do you need anything?  Water? More pain medication?”

Findley shook his head slowly, a grimace of pain crossing his face. “No, I can’t think straight with those meds. And I want to say something to you.”

“Go ahead,” Finn said, as he leaned against the bed.

Findley closed his eyes, as if whatever he needed to say would be easier that way. “I wish I had more time. So much time wasted.  It took me twenty-five years to even come close to being a father to you, and you’ve got it figured out in three weeks.”

Finn choked out a laugh. “Not exactly, but I’ll take it.”

Findley opened his eyes, staring directly into Finn’s. “Your little girl… she’s showing me more than anything else what we missed.  Anne?”

Anne quickly stood up and joined Finn. “Yes, my dear?” She ran a hand over Findley’s cheek.

“You’ll fix it, right? You won’t miss out on their lives. You won’t let me hold you back.”

“Of course not, Findley.” Anne’s quick reassurance told Finn she’d made this particular promise before.

Findley refocused on Finn. “I was so selfish, Finn.  I don’t know how you’re so generous and I’m so selfish.”

Tears were forming in Finn’s eyes. “It’s okay, Dad. At least we have this time. I forgive you.”

Findley closed his eyes again. “Generous.”  He grimaced again, harder this time, and sucked in breath.

Finn squeezed his hand. “Dad, let me get Nurse Shay.  We’ll get you some meds.” Findley nodded, but Finn hesitated, because he suddenly knew what Findley was trying to say, but couldn’t get out. And Finn knew he could perform this one final act for his dad. He could go first. “I love you, Dad, and I’m going to miss you.”

Findley’s eyes fluttered underneath their lids, a momentary look of relief passing over his face, then it squeezed in pain again. “I...love you, too, Finn. Anne,” he called as he sucked in a breath.  Anne took over Finn’s spot as Finn went to find the nurse.

It was obvious that Findley was in a great deal of pain, and they upped his meds to make him more comfortable.  Nurse Shay pulled Anne and Finn aside, explaining that Findley was approaching his last days.

And so, instead of a quick last visit, Finn felt it was the right thing to stay with his mom until that happened.  According to Poe, Amelia had not taken the news well.

There was a quiet knock on the guest room door, pulling Finn out of his thoughts and back to the present. “Come in,” he called, and Rey entered, immediately sitting next to Finn on his bed.

“How are Poe and Amelia?”

“They’re okay.  I mean, it seems like Amelia's holding on by a thread, which means Poe is probably at the end of his rope-” Finn cut himself off, putting his head in his hands.

Rey began to rub his back, reminding him of Poe. “Trooper, Poe will be okay.  Amelia will be okay.”

“Yeah, but if I worry about them, I don’t obsess over…” he trailed off.

Rey’s hand paused for a fraction of a second before continuing. “Right, that makes a lot of sense, actually.”

They were distracted when Finn’s phone began to ring. He accepted the call from Poe, angling the screen so Poe could see that Rey was there too.

Rey waved. “Hi, Poe. Give Amelia a hug from me when she wakes up,” she said, and moved away.

“Bye, Rey,” Poe called, eyes on Finn’s face.  Rey closed the door behind her, and Finn laid back on the bed, raising an arm to rub his head. “Talk to me, babe.”

“It’ll be soon, tonight or tomorrow, Nurse Shay thinks.  Jess and Rey are going to drive me back over in,” and Finn checked his watch, “about 20 minutes.  Distract me, Poe.  Did Amelia go down okay?”

Poe searched Finn’s face for a moment, as if wanting to push harder for Finn to talk, but went with Finn’s wishes. “I had to sing three songs, since Daddy wasn’t there to read. She fell asleep during the last one.”

“Thank God for your voice,” Finn replied.

“Indeed. She did good at daycare today, I think she just misses you most when she’s at home, and you’re not. I know how she feels.  I’m going to try and set up a chat with Steve tomorrow. Or try something else.”

“Good, that’s a good idea. And the farm?  Spring prep going okay?” Finn let Poe’s voice soothe him while he could take the time.

\------------------

It happened at midnight, which, according to Nurse Shay, wasn’t that strange of an occurrence.  Finn felt numb, with tinges of relief that his father’s struggle was finally over breaking through.  He held Anne as she finally rested, silent tears falling.

The numb feeling continued as workers came and removed Findley, as Finn tucked his mother into his bed at Jess and Rey’s place, because she didn’t want to stay in the apartment, as he sent off a quick text to Poe, knowing he wouldn’t read it until morning.  He lay down on the couch, managed to sleep a bit.  The next day, he helped Anne with the funeral arrangements. Findley hadn’t wanted anyone to make a big deal out of his death, and so they planned a simple graveside service to take place in two days. Even when Finn talked to Poe and Amelia that night, he couldn’t make himself feel anything but that resounding numbness.  

After he’d ended the phone call, Anne joined him on the couch. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” she said quietly.

“No, of course not.” He reached for her hand, and she gave it to him, squeezed.

“I wanted to talk to you about what your father said to us.” She swallowed. “And you have the right to deny me, I would understand. I’d...I’d like to come back with you. To Oregon.  I’d like to be a part of your life, of Amelia’s.”

Finn felt something begin to crack through the numbness. He squeezed her hand back. “Are you sure you wouldn’t miss Santa Fe, your friends?”

“I have friends here, of course.  But I can keep up with them on Facebook, right?  I don’t want to know my son’s family solely through a screen.”  She looked down at their joined hands. “A wise man once told me that love means family. I know our household didn’t mean that for you, and I’d like a chance to experience what you meant by that, to experience what you’re building with Poe and Amelia. You made me realize last summer that I invested everything of myself in your father. Having you and sending you out of our lives seemed like such a natural step, and I hate myself for it now. I hate that I’m that type of person. That I was too concerned with keeping up appearances and fitting in than keeping up with you.” She looked back up at him, eyes fierce. “You gave your father your forgiveness, and I’m going to be grateful for that until the day I die, you giving him that peace at the end, but I need to earn it, Finn.  Show me how to earn your forgiveness.”

The crack widened, but the dam wasn’t yet ready to break. But despite, or maybe in spite of his love-starved childhood, Finn had always had a big heart, and so he replied, “I think I can do that. I think you’ll be better at it than you think you’re going to be, Mom.  I know you know how to love.” She looked apprehensive, but leaned in to kiss his cheek.

The next day, he helped her pack up the apartment.  The hospice equipment had been moved out, but Finn packed up the living room himself, to keep Anne out of the space where Findley died.

Jess, Rey, Anne and Finn were just sitting down to a takeout dinner, no one really talking, when the doorbell rang.

“Why is it always during dinner?” Jess complained, setting down her napkin and getting to her feet.  A few moments later, however, they heard her call out, “Finn, it’s for you.”

Confused, thinking maybe it was a legal document from Greg, Finn almost fell to his knees at the sight of Poe, weighed down by luggage on one shoulder and a sleeping Amelia, already in pajamas, on the other. Finn felt the numbness inside him burst open and break into a million pieces, feelings flooding out a mile a minute. He thought fleetingly that he’d have to sort those flooding feelings out later with Poe, because the only thing that mattered right now was getting his hands on his family. He slipped the bags off of Poe’s shoulder tenderly, then slipped himself into that space instead.  He laid his head on Poe’s shoulder, drinking in the sight of them.  They both looked awful, really, utterly exhausted, but he couldn’t remember ever being happier to see Poe.  Finn could guess that it had been a stressful trip.  He lifted his head, finally speaking, in a whisper so as not to disturb Amelia. “How did you know exactly what I needed?”

Careful not to jostle her, Poe leaned over to brush his mouth over Finn’s. “Because I know you, Finn.  And I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Finn said, then kissed him back.

A sleepy voice from the other side of Poe whispered, “I love you, three.” Amelia lifted her head and held out an arm to Finn.

“Oh, my little sweet pea, come here.” Finn shifted her off of Poe, bringing her into a big bear hug.

“I missed you lots, Daddy.”

“I know, Amelia.  Me, too. I’m so happy to see you.”

Rey, Jess and Anne had joined them in the foyer, and when Finn perched Amelia on his hip, she smiled shyly at the people she had only seen through a phone screen before. She turned back to Finn. “It’s Auntie Rey, and Aunt Jess, and Nana Anne.”

“It is. Do you want to say hi?”

Amelia shook her head, unwilling to let go of her death grip on Finn. “Maybe in the morning,” she said.  Finn and Poe laughed, because it was a phrase they often said to her when it was bedtime and she had something else she wanted to do.

“Are you hungry? Or do you just want to get ready for bed?”

“Bed. Will you read to me?”

Finn looked at Poe inquiringly, hoping Poe got the message he sent with his eyes,  _ Did you bring any books?  _ Poe nodded, leaning down to rummage through one of the bags he’d carried in, and producing a book.    _ Hmm.  Maybe married couples do become psychic,  _ he thought.  “I’d love nothing more than to read to you.”

With the new additions, they were really stretching the limits of sleeping space in Rey and Jess’s place, but they finally figured out a solution that involved borrowing a full-sized air mattress from a neighbor.  They rearranged the furniture in the living room to be able to fit the mattress, settled Amelia on the couch, and Finn kept reading to her until her eyes closed.  

He headed back to the dining room, leaning against the door jam, taking in with pleasure the scene of his friends and family all passing around Chinese takeout boxes. He stayed there a moment, content.

“You got everything cleared with Amelia’s social worker, right?” asked Jess, using chopsticks to spear a piece of sweet and sour chicken.

Finn glanced at Poe, panicking because he hadn’t even thought of that until Jess brought it up.

Poe smiled. “I had to submit paperwork for her caseworker’s supervisor and provide an itinerary, but yeah, everything’s cleared or we wouldn’t have made it past security at the airport.”

“When did you start doing the paperwork?” Finn asked, trying to calculate in his head as everyone in the room looked his way.

“Oh, the day after you left.” Poe stood, crossing the room to rub Finn’s arms. “I knew you needed us.  You knew you needed us.”

“Yeah, I did.” He looked Poe in the eyes. “I need your listening skills now, if you're not too tired.”

Poe nodded, looking at Rey and Jess. “We'll disturb Amelia if we go to the living room. Is there someplace we could walk to, like a park?”

“There's a bench in the shared backyard,” Rey responded.

“You'll keep an eye on Amelia for us?” Finn asked everyone.

“Of course,” Rey responded. “She'll be fine, go take some time for yourselves.”

They found the bench, Poe gesturing for Finn to sit on his lap. Finn smirked, but complied, and Poe wrapped himself around Finn as he told Poe about the final words of his father, and his mother’s request.

“Do you think I'm being too generous with my mom? Shouldn't I be mad about this sudden change of heart? ” Finn has rested his head on Poe's shoulder. He felt Poe kiss his hair.

“Parents make everything complicated. But I don't think you're capable of being ungenerous. That's not my Finn. It seems, though, like she's willing to do this on your terms. You want to put the brakes on, I think she'd listen to you.”

“That's true.” Finn inhaled Poe’s scent deeply.

“You know I'm going to say that the more love Amelia has in her life, the better.”

“Yeah, but more drama?”

“More  _ possible  _ drama.”

“Mmm,” Finn murmured.

“Are you sorry you allowed them back in your life last July?”

Finn remained silent for a bit. “No,” he finally said, beginning to draw his fingertip around Poe’s chest. “No, I don't regret reconciling with my dad. And Mom’s always been the easier of the two to deal with.”

“So you might be worrying for nothing.”

“Isn't that what worrying is for?” Finn felt Poe’s chuckle.

“Got me there. Sure seems easier to slip into that mindset now that we have Amelia. But you know what, Finn? There are a ton of things we can't protect her from. Things that strike me in the middle of the night, or when I'm pulling weeds, and stop me in my tracks.” Finn made a noise of concern and lifted his head up, looking into Poe’s eyes. Poe had not shared this with him before. “I know, I know,” Poe responded.

“You need to share,” Finn said sternly. “Even if it's the middle of the night. What do you think I'm here for?”

“So the next time I wake up worrying about a car crashing into Amelia’s daycare, you want me to wake you up?” Poe raised an eyebrow.

“ _ Yes _ .”

Poe leaned down to kiss him. “Okay, my worries will be your worries from now on.”  

“Good,” said Finn, nodding succinctly.

“But the point I was trying to make before was, there's no way for me to protect her from reckless drivers or earthquakes or homophobic asshole children, or adults for that matter, who make fun of her for having two dads. But we can control who we let in her life, and your heart seems to think Anne’s okay, even your mind has doubts.”

Finn took that in, nodded, accepted, then grinned. “You worry about earthquakes? It's not like this is California.”

Poe smiled. “Oh, so you haven't heard of “The Big One,” then?”

“Is that an innuendo?” Finn squirmed in Poe’s lap, eliciting a groan from Poe. He captured Poe’s mouth.

Poe pulled back, out of breath. “No, this is-” He was cut off by another bruising kiss. “Serious.” This time, Poe crushed his lips to Finn’s.

“We seriously need to find a room or bush or dark corner, fuck, anything at this point.”

“Jesus, Finn,” Poe said, as Finn’s fingers slipped under his waistband.

“I know it's only been five days, but I've grown used to having daily access to this.  I think I've formed a dependency.”

Poe groaned again, picking Finn up and setting him on his feet. He grabbed Finn’s hand. “We need to find that dark corner, stat.”

He started to drag Finn out of the backyard, but Finn stopped him. “Just in case I forget later, thank you for talking everything out with me. You're always what I need.”

Poe's teeth flashed in the night as he grinned. “I know.”


	25. April Showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are settling down for Poe, Finn and Amelia, but Finn is still feeling the effects of his father's death.
> 
> Tags: Anxiety, Panic Attack

“Higher, Nan!” Amelia called, pumping her legs on the swing with a look of utter delight on her face. Finn looked up from checking his email on his phone and smiled, heart full.  It had been ten weeks since Amelia had joined Finn and Poe, and Finn had to admit that his boss Greg had been right: parenthood was something new, something wonderful every day, every week, every month.  Of course, it was also filled with not-so-wonderful moments.  Like when no one noticed that Amelia had dropped her stuffed Buli while shopping at the grocery store (thank God someone turned it into lost and found), or when she got sick from whatever latest virus was being passed around the daycare (which Finn then got, leaving Poe as the lone family member to soldier on and take care of the other two), or when Poe caught her trying to cut her own hair (so that she now sported a cute  - and professionally cut - bob).  Four year olds were, after all, four year olds, no matter how precious.

And Amelia could be precious, too, in spades. Like right then, when she’d called Anne by her new nickname, Nan, chosen by her because it was shorter and easier to say than Nana Anne.  Similarly, she now called Leia “Nanalay,” said just like that, all one word. Finn fleetingly wondered if he could die of overexposure to cute.

Anne had been pushing Amelia in the swing for almost twenty minutes now, and Finn would have gone to relieve her if she didn’t have a smile on her face as big as Amelia’s.  So he sat, content to watch and see who would tire first. His money was on Amelia. She normally broke before Finn could.

Finn and Poe had decided that, at least for this spring and summer, Saturdays would be Finn’s days. During the week, because of his commute and because he seemed to be only getting busier, Finn left home early and often got home just in time for dinner, pjs, and stories.  Finn felt torn between his work and his family, because he loved them both.  He had confided this concern to Poe one night, and Poe had confessed that driving Amelia to and from daycare was taking more time out of his day than he’d anticipated, and so they’d come up with the idea of Poe working on Saturdays as needed to catch up around the farm and Finn getting to spend more time with his girl.

He felt a raindrop on his cheek, and reconsidered his bet on Amelia.  Looked like the weather would kick them out first.  He braced himself for two disappointed faces, and crossed over to the swings. “Feels like rain, Amelia,” he said. On cue, a pout. Finn pouted back, since Poe had discovered that it almost always worked to break Amelia out of one of her moods. “I know sweet pea, it’s really sad. But remember, the rain makes everything grow, and makes Daddy happy, right?”

“I still want to play with Nan, though.” The swing had slowed to a stop, and Amelia was looking at her dangling feet, pout still in place.

Finn looked at his mom and smiled, pulling Amelia off the swing and setting her on the ground, crouching in front of her. “I bet if you asked nicely, Nan would come over to our house with us and you could play Shoots and Ladders or Candy Land.”

Amelia’s eyes got wide, pout gone. She turned to Anne, grabbing one her grandmother’s hands in both of hers. “Nan, would you come over to our house and play Candy Land? Have you played before? It’s lots of fun because everything is pretty colors and you get to roll dice and count and sometimes I win!”

Anne smiled warmly down at her. “That does sound like a lot of fun.  I’d love to come back with you.” Anne’s smile grew wider as Amelia jumped up and down and started dragging her off toward Finn’s car.

“Come on, Daddy!”

Back at the house, Finn left Anne and Amelia to play Candy Land at the dining table and slipped upstairs to his office to get some work done.  Greg’s hopeful retirement date of June was fast approaching, and Finn wanted to be ready. On top of work for Greg, Finn had agreed to help his mother out by dealing with his father’s estate.  Even with no house to sell, there were still assets and investments to decide whether to keep, and a lake property to sell now that Anne lived in Oregon. Also, his father had left instructions in his will to set up several college savings accounts for Finn’s future children, which was being complicated by the fact that he technically only had one child, and she technically wasn't his - yet. Finn was working with the estate lawyer from Santa Fe, but it was a long and complicated process. He was finishing up a phone call for an immigration case when he realized he'd been in his office for an hour, and should probably check on the girls.

He didn't hear voices when he went downstairs, which quickened his steps. “Mom? Amelia?”

“In here,” he heard Anne call from the front door area.

He turned the corner and found his mom looking at their collection of framed photos. The photo wall was a point of pride for Finn. He felt such delight whenever he could add something new to the wall, because he felt like he was giving the portrait of Shara and Kes Dameron a family so they wouldn't be lonely anymore. Besides Poe’s picture of his parents and him, and the one of the two of them that he'd given Poe two Christmases ago, he'd added an engagement photo of them on their ‘secret’ bench, a wedding photo of them kissing at the altar, and the family photo with Amelia that Elisa had taken of them. For Finn, it was like the picture wall physically represented just how much more love he and Poe now had in their lives.

Anne turned to him and smiled, hastily saying when Finn opened his mouth, “Amelia went down for a nap about ten minutes ago. We didn't want to disturb your work.”

Finn felt guilty at having pawned off Amelia on Anne so he could get work done. Saturday was his day. He shouldn't have been tempted by work. He just wanted to make sure that he was doing the best he could for Greg. He mentally shook himself out of the thought and joined his mom in front of the pictures she was still continuing to admire. She seemed to be centered on the photo of the Dameron family.  She chewed her lip, a habit Finn hadn't realized until that moment that he'd picked up from his mother. “What's wrong, Mom?”

She looked surprised for a second at being caught. “I was wondering if… Your father kept a picture of our wedding day on his desk at work. I have my own, but I didn't want to get rid of his. I was wondering if maybe you'd like it to hang here?” She was hesitant, as if she knew she was treading on unstable ground.

Finn was quick to reassure her, though he didn’t really take the time to think about how he felt. “I'd like that very much.”

“Will Amelia be upset if she wakes up and I'm gone? I told Leia I'd help her with some planting this afternoon.” When Anne had come back with Finn to Oregon, Leia had insisted that she stay with her at the main house until Anne could find something else. After a few weeks, Anne and Leia, even though they were total opposites, had decided that there really wasn't a better arrangement, and Anne had moved into the main house permanently.

“No, because I'm sure if it's only raining lightly, she's going to insist that we walk over and help out.” As Finn had predicted, Amelia loved working with Poe, or anyone, for that matter, on the farm.

Anne grabbed her raincoat from a hook, and kissed Finn on the cheek. “Try to relax a little today.” At Finn’s inquiring look, she smiled slightly. “You're chewing your lip, dear.” She stroked his cheek and went out the front door.

Finn grabbed the monitor and headed for his office again. Amelia was capable of getting herself up when she wanted, but she still had nightmares, and it was always better to try and be by her side before she woke up from one, so they kept up with the monitor.

Finn looked up from the legal documents when he heard little feet behind him. He turned in his chair, a smile already on his face. “Hey, sweet pea,” he said, and opened his arms. Amelia ran into them, and he swept her up into the chair, hugging her closely. She liked to snuggle when she woke up from her nap. Finn tucked her head under his chin, breathing deeply and trying to remind himself to be present and not be thinking about the documents behind him. Amelia was tracing little figure eights on his chest.

“Did you have a good sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you have a good time with Nan? Who won Candy Land?”

Amelia brightened out of her post-nap cobwebs.  “I won! And Nan won, too. Where's Nan?”

“She went home to help Nanalay do some gardening.”

Amelia's eyes widened. “Daddy, can we?” She was too excited about the thought to make a complete sentence.

“Sure, but we need to put on our work clothes, and boots and coats.”  Amelia was already climbing off his lap and starting to take her shirt off by the time he'd finished. He laughed.  _ Yes, I'm definitely going to die of cute.  _ He vowed to carve time out of somewhere else so that he could spend more time being present with her.

\------------------

The next Saturday, Finn slapped at his wrist, silent alarm buzzing. It was still dark out, and Poe was still in bed, but Finn forced himself out to head to his office. As his feet struggled to find his slippers, he revised his plan.  _ Coffee first. _

He was still working when Poe came in, leaning down to brush his lips across Finn’s. “You're up early, babe.” Poe leaned on the sturdy wooden desk, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes still. “I missed you when I woke up.”

Finn smiled affectionately at him. “Cheeseball.” He captured one of Poe’s hands, kissed it. “I just had some stuff I wanted to get done, so I could focus on Amelia today.”

Poe looked concerned. He moved behind Finn and began to massage his shoulders. “You've been bringing home a lot of stuff recently. Everything okay at work?”

“Yeah, well, lots of people to help.  And I started looking back at Greg’s old files since I won’t have him to consult anymore, which is taking up a lot of extra time. It's okay, I'm fine. I just need to finish reading this, and I'll be free for the day.”  _ Except I need to call the guy in Sante Fe…  _ Finn groaned when Poe hit a particularly tight knot.

He felt Poe lean over and press a kiss to his neck. “Well, I know you’ll have fun today.”

“Yeah, she barely fell asleep last night, she’s so excited for the petting zoo.”  Finn turned around in his chair, standing so he could kiss Poe again. “We really did luck out.” He twined his arms around Poe’s neck and sunk in.

“Daddies!  There’s no time for that!” They both broke off to look at Amelia in the doorway, her hands on her hips.

Finn smiled at her, saying, “No  _ time  _ for kisses?” He scooped her up into his arms. “No time for this,” and he placed a kiss with an exaggerated smooching sound on her cheek.

She squirmed, giggling. “No, we’re gonna go see the animals!”

“I don’t know, I think the smooch monster needs to be appeased,” he said, lifting her up to blow a raspberry on her stomach.  She was laughing hysterically, now. He lifted his head. “Maybe if Amelia gave the smooch monster a kiss, he would be happy and ready to go see the animals.”  He held his cheek toward her, and was rewarded with a smacking kiss.  “Ahhhh, that’s better.”  He set her down.  “Teeth, insulin, let’s go!”  He watched her as she ran out of the room, sighing.

He was surprised when Poe turned him around suddenly, pressing him up against his office wall, mouth devouring his. When Poe finally came up for air, Finn was slumped, staring dazedly at him. Poe's grin was full of humor and lust. “Sorry, babe, you had to appease the smooch monster.” He leaned in for a softer kiss, then murmured, “Finish your reading, I’ll get her ready and started on breakfast.”

\-------------

The petting zoo was part of another local farm, celebrating tulip season in the Valley.  Finn watched as Amelia walked around, petting the goats and sheep, gently stroking the rabbits, even walking up to the big cow and patting her side, as far up as she could reach.  When it came to animals, Amelia had absolutely no fear. Finn knew she would have been running around the place, however, if she hadn’t been intimidated by all of the other kids.

He checked the time, realized he needed to call the estate lawyer, and pulled out his phone.  He was in the middle of a question, having turned around for what he swore later was a split second, when he heard Amelia scream, “Daddy!” in a panicked voice.

He turned back, absently dropping the phone into his pocket with the call still running, searching for Amelia’s straight black hair in the crowd of kids and animals.  It felt like it took forever to find her, sitting on the ground near the rabbit cages, face streaming with tears and clutching her hand to her chest. His heart was thundering in his ears as he knelt in the hay, hesitant to touch her until he knew exactly where she was hurt. “What’s wrong, Amelia?  Did you fall? Hurt your hand? Can Daddy see?”

She was sobbing, but held out her hand for Finn to examine. The thin, red line of a blood blister was forming along her index finger. Relief flooded Finn that it wasn’t more serious, and he gathered her into his arms, carrying her out of the animal pasture.  He found a bench and rocked her, repeating, “Shhhhh, sweet pea, it’s okay,” his heart breaking at her little sobs.

After what seemed like ages, her sobs lessened to hiccups, then sighs. “It’ll be okay, Amelia.  I know it hurts a lot right now, and it may hurt for awhile, but it’ll be better before you even know it.  What happened? Did you pinch yourself in something?”

Amelia nodded against his chest. “I wanted to put the bunny away so I opened the cage but when I closed it, I got hurt.”

“Oh, my pobrecita.” Internally, Finn berated himself for taking his eyes off of her.  If he’d been paying attention, he could have helped her open the cage and this would have been avoided.  _ Father of the Year material, right here _ . “Is it feeling any better?”

“A little,” she admitted.

“Well, how about we pick out some tulips for Nan and Nanalay, and head home?”

She nodded against his chest, then looked up at him with hope in her eyes. “Can I say goodbye to the animals though?  Because I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“Of course, sweet pea,” he replied, setting her down.  She scampered off, meticulously petting each animal one more time.  _ Can’t keep Amelia down _ , he thought, even as guilt nagged at him.  He’d just have to work harder.

\----------------------------------

“Finn? Wake up.”

Greg’s voice filtered into the haze in Finn’s mind, and he lifted his head off of his hands. “Whaaa?” he mumbled, trying to figure out where he was, or even why he was.

“You okay? I saw you got here early this morning, maybe too early if you’re falling asleep at your desk.”

Finn rubbed his eyes and yawned. “Hmmm? Oh yeah, I came in early to get some stuff read, I needed to call the estate lawyer for my Dad’s stuff, and they’re an hour ahead, so I could get an early start.” He looked at the time on the computer screen. “Oh, shit. 4:30?  I’m so sorry, Greg. The afternoon hit me hard.” Finn looked up at Greg, chewing his lip and twisting his hands.

Greg quirked a brow, then came into Finn’s cubicle and sat in the guest chair. He looked into Finn’s tired eyes. “Everything okay at home, buddy? I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot more time here at work recently. Do we need to go out for a beer after work and talk?”

Finn’s eyes widened. “Oh, no. No!  I just figured if I came in earlier, maybe I could leave earlier, have a little more time with Amelia before she goes to bed.  My dad…” He hesitated, surprised that those words had come out, but pushed through it. “My dad was never home for dinner, it seemed like.  My mom and I just ate separately.” He didn’t look up at Greg, didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes.  

“Finn,” and he did look up then, surprised to see not pity but slight irritation on Greg’s face. “I’ve worked this job for 30 years. I know it can be a time suck sometimes, but there’s no reason that you need to be working this hard.  Believe me, Susi would have left me long ago.  What have you been working on?  What are these dinosaurs doing out of the file room?” He gestured to some of his old case files.

Finn felt defensive. “I have a lot to learn.  I’ve been going through your old case files. You aren’t going to be around forever.” He paused, gulping. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I meant-”

“I know what you meant.  Listen, Finn, you can’t just assign yourself extra work.  One, I’m going to live forever, because Susi tells me so.  Two, I’ll always be a phone call away, even in retirement.  Hell, I bet I could convince the head honcho to throw me a little consulting money.  And three, you can’t afford to divide your attention.  I came to speak to you because I found this on the L. Hernandez paperwork.” He showed Finn where he’d made a large error, rather obvious now that Finn looked at it again. “If this had been submitted, it would have been thrown out and the process could have been set back months.”

Finn hung his head. “I’m so sorry. I’ll double check everything, I promise. God, you must think you’re leaving your clients in the hands of an idiot.”

“Finn, you’re the quickest study I’ve ever seen.  But something’s blocking you, holding you back, messing you up.  I suggest you quit coming into work early and leaving late, quit looking at these old things, lord knows the immigration laws have all changed since then anyway, and talk to Poe about whatever you think it is that’s doing this.”

Finn knew Greg meant well, but he felt shame and resentment twisting through him. He couldn’t believe he’d messed up so badly, potentially messed up someone’s life, when all he’d been trying to do was work harder to be the best.

He was still riding on that shame and resentment, feeling it slip into self-loathing, when he arrived at home. Poe’s truck was gone.  He checked in the house, but it was empty except for Buli.  He started to panic, wondering if Poe or Amelia had had an emergency that required medical attention. He was pulling out his cellphone when he glanced at the wall calendar and remembered in a rush that it was Wednesday.  Wednesday meant swimming lessons. Which he was supposed to pick Amelia up from, and take to Poe’s soccer game, and they’d all go out to dinner afterward.   _  Because it’s fucking Wednesday, and that’s what we do on Wednesdays, you idiot. _

He rushed to the pool, where Amelia was playing in the lobby while the receptionist watched over her. He apologized profusely, thinking that if the adoption judge ever found out about this, they’d never let Amelia be adopted. At least Amelia hadn’t seemed to notice. She did notice that Finn wasn’t his normal self, though.

“Are you okay, Daddy?”

“Yeah, sweet pea.  Just needed to see your face,” he lied. “Why don’t you tell me about your day?”

He listened to her babble on, trying to let it soothe him like it normally did, but he couldn’t get rid of the heavy feeling in his chest.

At the soccer field, he found Mary. “Hey Finn, running late today, huh?”

All of a sudden, it seemed like Finn was out of breath. “Uh, yeah, listen, I’m not feeling well. Could you watch Amelia for a bit?  I just need to get some air, I think.”

Mary looked concerned, but patted the seat beside her on the bench for Amelia, who happily complied. “Will you do my hair again, Mary?” Finn heard her say as he rushed away, suddenly desperate for fresh air.

He found a bench outside, breathing in the crisp Spring air in big gulps. He heard cleats clicking on the cement near him, and looked over to see Poe coming up to him quickly.

“Babe, are you alright?  Mary said you weren’t feeling well? Finn?” Poe sat in a rush beside Finn, who had begun breathing in short gasps.

“I don’t,” Finn gasped, “know what’s wrong. Am I dying?”

Poe began to rub his back. “Finn, listen to me, I want you to breathe in through your nose for four counts. One, two, three, four. Hold it, good, now blow out through your mouth for four counts. One, two, three, four. Let’s do that a few more times. You’re going to be fine.” Poe led him through it again, continuing to rub his back, and Finn felt his heartbeat normalize along with his breath. “You’re doing such a good job, baby.  Keep breathing.”

Finn leaned against Poe’s chest, suddenly exhausted. “What the hell was that?”

He felt Poe’s chin rest on his head, a comforting weight. “That, my love, was a panic attack. Which are generally best resolved by talking about what caused it. Believe me, I know a therapist who can back that up.” Finn tipped his head up to look at Poe, confused. Poe continued, “Uh, right after I came back from Afghanistan,” by way of explanation.

This time, Finn stroked Poe’s chest in an effort to comfort him as he laid his head back down. “Well, that fucking sucked. I’d like to never do that again, please.”

“Do you know what triggered it?”

“It means I'm weak, doesn’t it?”

“What? Finn, no.” He tipped Finn’s chin up so that he was looking him in the eyes again. “No,” he repeated firmly. “It means your mind is trying to deal with something that you’re not letting it.”

“But it’s stupid.  I forgot about swimming, that’s all. I was late picking up Amelia, which was totally embarrassing. I mean, not for her, she was happy to play, but I felt like the worst parent ever in front of the receptionist.”

“What happened before that?”

Finn huffed out a breath. “Also stupid.  I fell asleep at work.”

“You have been leaving early all week.  I love you, Finn, but you’re not a morning person.”

“Yeah, Greg already berated me for that.”

“Oh?”

“I made a mistake on some paperwork for a case. A mistake that would have set everything back months if Greg hadn’t caught it.  But he did catch it, and he caught me, sleeping on the job, and instead of being angry at me, he just wanted me to figure myself out.  Like, why wasn’t he angry at me? I really fucked up, and if he had been retired, and I was on my own…”

“Why are you so angry at yourself?”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Because I messed up!”

“Yeah, but people mess up all the time.  It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!  These are people’s lives I’m messing with!  What if I’d caused someone to be deported?”

“You can play the “what if” game a lot, baby.  But you have to allow yourself to make mistakes.”

“No, I just need to work harder so I don’t make any mistakes. At work or with Amelia.”

Throughout the conversation, Poe had managed to keep an even, calm tone, something Finn imagined he’d picked up through his therapy sessions.  But frustration crept into his voice. “It’s impossible to be the perfect parent, Finn.”

“That’s not what my dad said!” Finn yelled. Poe looked at him, eyes wide, and he felt his own eyes widen.

“What did your dad say, baby?” Poe began to rub his back again.

The anger had left Finn as suddenly as it came. “He said that I was already a perfect father in three weeks.  And he wanted Mom to make sure that she saw it, was a part of it. So I have to be a perfect dad, and a perfect lawyer like he always wanted me to be.  Except saying that out loud right now sounds ridiculous. I know logically that you’re right, that no one’s perfect, because, well, life.”

“It’s too much pressure.  Your dad’s not here to apply that pressure anymore, so you’re putting in on yourself.”

“So, how do I stop?  Because seriously, I would like to never have another panic attack again.”

“I think the first step is acknowledging that it’s happening. So, we know we have a problem.  Now, we scale back. What do you feel like you’ve taken on just so you can be perfect?”

“Well, Greg basically ordered me to stop working outside of my normal hours. And to stop studying the old files.”

“That seems like a good start.” Poe was silent for a moment. “Finn, I was thinking about this earlier tonight, as I drove here, but I think we need to carve out time for you to do something just for you.  Because I get my soccer night, but you don’t have anything. For me, soccer is an outlet, and a renewal. Is there something you’d like to do that could be the same?  Because I will do whatever I need to to make sure you get the time to do it.”

Finn considered this. “I’m not much of a team sports guy.  Honestly, right now, my ideal night is a quiet one at home with you and Amelia. That’s what renews me.  That’s what I’ve been missing.”

“Then that’s what we’ll focus on.  Family night.  Just the three of us, no rush through dinner or anything.  What about Friday?”

“Friday family night.  I like the sound of that.” He wrapped his arms around Poe, breathing in time with the rise and fall of Poe’s chest.

\-----------------------------------------------

The first Friday family night was a huge success.  

Finn arrived home at a decent hour, and smiled when he could already hear Amelia laughing from two rooms over.  He set down his stuff and walked into the living room to find Poe standing on the couch, the giggling Amelia in his arms. “Well this sounds like too much fun.  What’s going on?”

Amelia looked at him with wide eyes.  “Daddy, watch out!  The floor is lava!”

“Save yourself, babe,” Poe added, dropping Amelia on one of the chairs.

Finn rushed to stand on the rug.

“No, Daddy, that doesn't count!”

“Here, take this lifeline,” Poe called, and threw him one of the couch cushions.  He hopped on it, laughing.

“Thank you,” he mouthed to Poe, meaning more than just the cushion.  

Poe winked back.


	26. Belonging - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe celebrate their first anniversary, and prepare for Amelia's adoption finalization.
> 
> Contains a smut scene that originally appeared in Out of Time as Chapter 41

Poe checked his phone again. Even though he and Finn were sitting in a very fancy restaurant, Finn couldn't help but smile. “Babe, no fair. You can't tell me to stop checking my phone and then you do it instead.”

Poe looked up, caught, and smiled one of his charming smiles back. “I know she's fine. I know she loves Elisa and that Elisa knows everything about her diabetes, and I know my phone isn't on silent so we will all hear if Elisa has a problem. But…”

Finn moved his hand across the table to cling to one of Poe’s. “But it's the first time you're spending the night away from Amelia, and you're nervous. I get it, believe me.” He smiled again at his husband, squeezed his hand.

The fancy hotel room in Portland they had booked for tonight had been an anniversary gift from everyone on the farm. They had been insistent that Finn and Poe use the evening for themselves, and let the farm family take care of Amelia. Like all new parents, the idea was met with both excitement and apprehension.

Poe gazed into his eyes. “I love you, Finn Smith. I can't believe it's been a year.” His thumb was slowly rubbing Finn’s ring, sending shivers through him.

“I wouldn't have made it without you, I don’t think.”

“You would have, but I like to think everything is just a little bit easier because we're in each other's lives.”

Finn melted a bit. “I love you, Poe Dameron.”

Poe flashed a grin at him. “You should come join me on this side of the booth.” He waggled his eyebrows.

Finn didn't require convincing. He slipped in next to Poe, sliding an arm around his back, Poe doing the same. The booth gave Finn the illusion of privacy, and he leaned in to kiss Poe, who met him halfway.

They were interrupted several minutes later by their server. If she thought something about the new seating arrangement, she obviously knew her job and didn't comment. “Your entrees, gentlemen.” She set the plates down, then broke, seemingly unable to resist smiling at the way Finn’s head was leaning on Poe’s shoulder. “Are you guys celebrating tonight?”

Poe grinned at her, held up their joined hands. “One year of marriage.”

“Congratulations! You two are adorable.” She seemed to snap out of it, rushing on, “Oh, um, I hope you find your entrees enjoyable. Is there anything else I can get you?”

Now Finn smiled, lifting his head. “It looks wonderful, thank you.” She rushed away and Finn turned to Poe, smile turning playfully sardonic. “I can't take you anywhere. You don't even do it intentionally, but everyone falls in love with you, like that poor girl.”

Poe leaned in for a kiss, then smiled. “I think she said that  _ we're  _ adorable. I'm not the only part of the equation here, buddy.”

“Touché,” Finn replied as he dug into his salmon. “Mmm, you have to try this,” and he held up a forkful to Poe. They fed each other, oblivious to everyone else in the restaurant.

They were cuddling in post-dinner bliss, Poe’s head on Finn’s shoulder now, when their server arrived at their booth with a fancy display of berries and chocolate mousse in a solid chocolate cup. “This is compliments of the older couple in the corner,” she said, smiling. “Happy anniversary.” There was a note written on a napkin lying on the dessert plate. Poe picked it up as Finn looked for the couple.

“We don't mean to intrude, but your love for each other shined so bright that we could feel it from over here. A little birdy told us it's your first anniversary, and it warms our hearts to see two young people so in love, and able to display it so freely. Love is love, regardless of race or gender. Cherish what you have, and continue to shine brightly.”

Two elderly women, one white, one black, waved at Finn as they walked out of the restaurant. “That's beautiful, but we should have been the ones buying  _ them  _ dessert,” Finn said as he turned back to Poe.

“We'll pay it forward sometime, babe. We’ll have to, because that was too fucking sweet.” Poe tucked the napkin note into his wallet. He spooned up a raspberry and held it out for Finn. “Tonight we just get to enjoy, love.”

Finn hummed over the taste of the berry. “I plan on doing a lot of enjoying, very soon,” Finn said, running a hand through Poe’s carefully styled curls.

Poe let out a breathy laugh. “Funny, I had the same plans.”

T hey walked to the hotel, drunk more on happiness than the wine they’d had with their dinner.  As soon as the elevator door closed, Finn crowded Poe up against the wall, capturing Poe’s hands in his and crushing his mouth down. “Finally,” he gasped when he came up for air. “I’ve been waiting to do that for hours.” He lowered his head, Poe angling his to brush their lips together, but Finn bypassed the kiss and went straight for Poe’s neck, kissing, and sucking, and nibbling on Poe’s earlobe just a little.

Poe’s breath came quickly as he moaned out, “I love Amelia with all of my heart and soul, but I have to admit, I have missed adult time with you.  Just you.” Poe twisted one of his hands free and stroked over Finn’s hair.

The elevator dinged, and as quickly as Finn had had Poe against the wall, he pulled away, dragging Poe behind him.  He fumbled for the key card, did it incorrectly the first time, growled in frustration. Poe whispered in his ear. “I want the first time to be quick, and dirty.” Finn fumbled again as Poe’s free hand got busy with Finn’s dress pants.

“Ungh, Poe, Jesus, come on, you stupid card.” Finn nearly yelled in triumph as the card slid home and the light went green.  Within seconds he had Poe in their room, pushed against the door like he had been in the elevator, arms pinned to his sides. “Quick and dirty, huh?” Finn rolled his hips and Poe moaned.

“Jeez, Finn, are you going to make me beg?”

“Absolutely.”

Poe just grinned back, knowing it was a bluff. “Have I told you how fucking amazing you look in that suit?” 

Finn straightened his shoulders, the navy blue coat settling over his body. Was he preening? He was probably preening. Couldn’t regret it, though, not with the way his husband was looking at him. 

_ His husband. _

Finn drew in a shaky breath. “You ever just- just stop, and look at your life, and wonder-”

Poe’s hand reached up to cup the back of his neck as he pulled Finn closer. “Wonder how the hell life got so good?”

“Yeah.”

“All the time.” Poe’s lips crashed down on Finn’s, and Finn’s pulse jumped erratically. 

“Fast and dirty?” Finn repeated when they’d broken apart. “I can do that.” 

He tugged Poe’s shirt from his dress slacks, needing to feel skin on skin as quickly as possible. Poe helped, their arms a tangle of strewn clothing and frantic groping. When Poe’s chest slid against his own, no barriers, Finn gasped, then sighed, pulling Poe close. 

He worked Poe back to the wall, mouth devouring Poe’s, hands traveling everywhere on Poe’s exposed skin.  _ All mine. All his. All ours. _ Without further ado, he fished Poe’s cock out and wrapped one warm hand around it while Poe sucked a mark onto his neck, where it wouldn’t show for court. 

“Fuck, Finn-” Poe moaned, taking his lips again as Finn stroked him. “You, too.” Poe’s hands fumbled with Finn’s cock, and then it was out, and they were stroking themselves together, every touch of their cocks to each other electric, sending zings up Finn’s spine. 

They rutted like that together, taking each other to peak, Finn pressing Poe to the wall, groaning, grunting. Poe’s free hand was clutching at Finn’s shoulder, and Finn’s was holding them steady on the wall lest they fall over in a heap on the floor. Poe angled his head, nipping into the hollow below Finn’s ear, and Finn gasped and spilled over their combined fists. 

Poe followed close after that, with a final shudder, going slack against the wall, staring dazedly up into Finn’s eyes. Finn lowered his head, kissing the skin over where Poe’s heart was still thundering, so swamped with love and belonging that he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. 

No, he knew what to do next. He lifted Poe into his arms and laid him tenderly on the lake of a bed -  _ California king?  _ he thought fleetingly - grabbing a towel from the bathroom to clean them off. Every move was slow and tender now. Poe was pressing kisses to wherever he could reach of Finn’s skin, and when Finn wrapped Poe in his arms, the older man burrowed in, murmuring something against his skin. 

“What was that?” Finn whispered. 

“Love you,” Poe said, a little louder, grudgingly.

“Love you too, baby.” 

They fell into lazy kisses, kiss bleeding into kiss, for however long, Finn didn’t know or care to know. He just knew that as each kiss dragged on, Poe’s hips were grinding ever so slowly into his, their cocks begin to fill again between them, brushing over each other in a pleasure so sweet and exquisite Finn thought he might die. 

“Will you turn over for me?” Poe murmured, and Finn complied happily, laying on his stomach.

He felt Poe straddle and mount him from behind, his hard cock sliding along Finn’s ass and his weight settling comfortably on Finn. Finn groaned as Poe started to massage his back, fingers going deep and finding all the knots he always carried in his shoulders. Poe’s hands crept lower and lower, until he was massaging over Finn’s ass. “Christ, I love your ass.” 

“Feeling’s mutual, you know,” Finn slurred, drunk on pleasure. 

Poe leaned over, his body warming Finn’s as he grabbed the lube they’d strategically placed out earlier. Poe kissed his way back down, but instead of spreading Finn’s legs like Finn thought he was going to do, Poe pressed them together. Finn’s breath hitched as he caught on. 

“Yeah?” Poe asked, voice breathy with desire. 

“Yeah, go for it.” Finn adjusted himself, pulling a pillow down and shoving it under his hips. “Wait-” Poe sat back on his haunches, amused, as Finn jogged to the bathroom and grabbed one of the towels, spreading it over the pillow. They'd have to call for more towels from room service if they wanted to shower, but-  


Poe pulled him into a deep kiss. “You’re so fucking smart,” he murmured. Gently, he pushed Finn back down onto his stomach, then rubbed some of the lube over Finn’s muscular thighs. 

Finn heard Poe slick up his own cock, and then it was sliding between his thighs, long and hot. Poe groaned. “Love- love watching-” 

_ Love watching it go between my thighs? Making my ass jiggle? _ Finn sighed, arching his back a little more, gratified when Poe’s hands found his ass. He reached down, taking his own cock in hand and stroking in time with Poe’s thrusts. Above him, Poe was losing his mind, it seemed, all grunts and moans and hot, hot noises Finn wasn’t going to soon forget. He loved that he could make Poe lose himself in this, his thrusts going mindless and stuttering as he sped up. His name was a chant on Poe’s lips, and Poe’s fingers were digging into his ass, and his cock was shuttling between Finn’s thighs. 

Finn squeezed Poe’s cock with those thighs and Poe groaned. “Do it again,” he demanded on a moan.  _ “Please.” _

Finn grinned, and squeezed again, vising around Poe’s cock to feel him shudder. 

“Oh- oh fuck,  _ Finn.” _ Poe bit back a groan as he came between Finn’s thighs. He collapsed on Finn’s back, kissing all over his neck, his hand coming down to help Finn out with his own orgasm. Finn felt the cum and lube sliding between his thighs and shuddered into Poe’s hand with a shout. 

Some time later, mostly clean and definitely drifting, Finn felt Poe tracing lines over his back, around his biceps, down his legs. It seemed that Poe hadn’t had enough yet, or that maybe he couldn’t help himself, he just had to keep touching Finn’s body, not that Finn minded one bit. Finn himself was sliding in and out of consciousness, utterly content. 

Poe’s fingers paused at the small of Finn’s back, rubbing over a small dark brown scar. He felt Poe kiss the spot. “Three years since Ben made that mark,” Poe murmured. Finn twisted his head to look down at Poe. Poe was looking back at him with sincere eyes. “I think it’s my favorite part of you. My brave man.”

The Poe’s mouth was meandering, kissing his way down Finn’s back, seeming to want to make sure they used this precious adult time well. Finn laid his head down again, and let himself just feel. 

\---------------------------

“Daddies!” Amelia was waiting for them on the front porch when they came home the next day.  She had been rocking in the porch swing with Elisa, but ran to hug Finn as soon as he had gotten out of the car. He crouched down to pick her up and carried her to Poe, who was unloading their suitcase.  When he saw Finn with Amelia, he smiled, set down the suitcase, and held his arms out. She practically launched out of Finn’s arms and into Poe’s, who gave her a long squeeze and set her down again.

“Did you have a good time with Elisa?” Finn said as he picked up the suitcase and held out his other hand for Amelia.

“Yes!  Daddy, Mary came over last night and we had a girls night!  Cuz I was sad about how you didn’t take me on your trip and so Mary said how you were having a boys night and so we could have a girls night.”

Poe took Amelia’s other hand, and he and Finn played one of Amelia’s favorite games, swinging her up the stairs one at a time.  Amelia giggled. “Oh yeah?  What did you do on your girls night?” Poe asked her.

They reached the top step and Amelia ran over to hug Elisa. “We ate strawberries, and we watched Frozen, and we did our hair and nails, see Daddy.” Amelia waved her hand in front of Poe and Finn caught a flash of neon green. Suddenly, she grabbed Poe’s hand and examined it. “But Daddy, you don’t have painted nails, so what did you do on your boys night?”

Poe actually blushed, which made Elisa and Finn laugh.  He coughed, trying to recover, and Finn bailed him out. “Your daddy and I went to a fancy dinner, and then we stayed in a hotel.”

Amelia considered this. “That doesn’t sound as fun.  Next time you should stay home and then you can do girls night, too.”

Finn set the suitcase down and lifted Amelia in his arms again, placing a kiss on her cheek. “Oh, sweet pea, I missed you.”

She smiled sweetly at him. “I missed you too, Daddy.”

“What do you think, did Buli miss us?”

“Mmm,” Amelia sang as she thought about this. “I think maybe a little because she woke me up this morning so that I’d pet her.  Oh, and I made a drawing for you and Daddy cuz Elisa said people get presents on their ansi… anni.. anniserary?”

“Anniversary.” Finn set her down, and she ran into the house.  Finn turned to Elisa, pulling her into a side hug. “Thank you, hermosa.” He kissed her cheek. “Poe and I wouldn’t have had half as much fun if we didn’t know that Amelia was in good hands.”

“It was my pleasure. Listen, maybe sometime this week, Snap and I could have you over for dinner?  Or we could eat here?”

“Um, sure.  Market day’s out of course, and Friday is just the three of us.” Concern wrinkled Poe’s forehead, and Finn knew his face reflected concern as well. “Everything okay?”

Elisa brightened. “Oh yeah! Nothing to worry about. Just let me know, and I’ll grab some steaks to grill.”

“We should be buying the steaks after the free babysitting,” Poe replied.

“Oh, no, that was an anniversary present.” She waved it off.

“Present!” Amelia shouted, running back onto the porch.  She made Finn and Poe stand together so that they could both see the paper at once, and handed the drawing over to them. It was the three of them, Amelia in the middle of Poe and Finn, everyone holding hands, with a big shiny yellow sun up in one corner, standing on a field of grass. “My family” was written underneath them in Amelia’s huge, careful-yet-sloppy block letters.  “Elisa helped me with how to write it.”

Poe crouched down to be at eye level with his daughter. “Amelia, it’s beautiful. We love it.”

“Can it go in the hall with the other pictures, Daddy?” she asked Finn.

Finn ran a hand through her hair. “Of course. I think I have an extra frame somewhere.”

Later that night, Amelia was tucked into her bed, and Finn was preparing to read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which they had just started recently, when Amelia held up a hand to get him to stop. “Daddy,” she started, “Do you think Elisa is pretty like a princess?”

Confused, Finn replied, “Yeah, of course.”

“What about Nan?”

Finn smiled. “I’d say Nan is more beautiful like a queen.”

Amelia didn’t smile, though. “But I don’t look like either of them. Or Nanalay.  Or Mary.  Or Elsa and Anna from Frozen. They’re all pretty, but I don’t look like any of them, so how can I be pretty?  I wish I looked like Elisa.”

Finn was floored.  _ Do girls’ self esteem issues really start this young?  _  “Sweet pea, you’re beautiful.  Elisa and Nan look different, but you think they’re pretty.  People of different races and backgrounds can always be pretty.”

Amelia chewed her lip, which he was sure she’d learned from him, so the trait he’d gained from his mom would be passed down through the generations, it seemed. Amelia remained quiet.

Finn floundered, knew it, realized it, couldn’t seem to see his way out of it.  So he picked up the Harry Potter book. “Should we read about Harry’s trip to Hogwarts?”

“Okay,” she agreed.

Amelia finally asleep, Finn found Poe paging through his work journal on the couch. He looked up when Finn walked in, smiling. “That seemed to take longer than normal.”  Finn sat by him, leaning into Poe’s side and rubbing a hand over his face. “Hey, Finn, what’s wrong?” Finn felt Poe tense, as if he was preparing to have to fight off whatever danger might be affecting his family.

“Our baby just asked me how she can be pretty if she doesn’t look like Elisa.” Finn lifted his head, eyes fierce. “Do you think someone at daycare told her she wasn’t pretty? Because I’m not afraid to talk to someone else’s parents, Poe.”

“I don’t think that we need to do that just yet, although we should talk to Miss Hannah about keeping an eye out for that sort of thing.” Poe slipped an arm around Finn, rubbing his shoulder in comfort. “But I think we need to show Amelia some of her Japanese heritage. Of course she's confused about why she looks different than everyone else. We need to show her the beauty of being Japanese. She should be proud to be Japanese-American, just like I’m proud to be Guatemalan-American. If my parents had died when hers had, I probably would have never learned about my Latin American roots.  It’s part of what makes me who I am.  We need to offer that opportunity to her, too.”

Finn’s eyes had softened, and now he stroked a hand over Poe’s chest. “You’re absolutely right. My smart husband.”  He leaned in for a kiss. “You know, we could ask Avery when she comes for the last home visit tomorrow. She might have suggestions as a caseworker.”

“I can't believe we're on our last home visit. When's the court date?”

Finn knew Poe asked not because he didn't know the date, but because he liked to tease Finn for his very specific answer. Finn checked his watch. “Eleven days, fourteen hours, and about thirty minutes.”

“Until she's ours, officially.”

“You're so confidant. You're not worried about the judge at all, are you?”

Poe smiled. “I think that it couldn't be more obvious to anyone in the world that Amelia was meant to be a part of our family. Don't worry, babe, the judge will see that. Especially with Steve's support, and Avery's home visit reports. I'm more worried about Amelia’s new pretty problem. The only things I know about Japanese culture are like anime and Hello Kitty.”

Finn pulled his laptop over. “Well, let's do some research.”

\-----------------------

Avery smiled at Finn and Poe over her cup of tea. “Everything looks great. Honestly, it's matches like this that help me keep my faith in the system. Especially after it was so hard to find a placement for Amelia.” She looked fondly at the girl playing with Duplo blocks in the living room, then turned back to them. “Have you considered adopting a sibling for Amelia?”

Finn smiled. “We get asked that all the time.” He turned to Poe.

“Yeah, we want our little family to get some more time together first, but eventually, we want to adopt more. But we told Sharon to keep us in mind if she came across someone as perfect as Amelia.”

“I have a feeling you guys would be able to make anyone feel perfect.” Avery took another sip of tea.

Finn frowned. “Avery, yesterday Amelia started asking about why she looked different from everyone. I have to imagine that’s pretty common among adoptees. Do you have any suggestions? Poe and I were thinking we needed to expose her to her Japanese heritage more.”

“Yes, that's an excellent idea. For older children, teens, and even adults, there are adoptee support groups and gatherings. At Amelia's age, I would consider playdates with another adoptee. I can think of a few families that might be good if you're willing to drive a bit. Also, I know there are a couple of people in Portland who offer Japanese language and culture lessons for families who are trying to help their children connect back to their roots. You might be able to find a teacher closer.”

“Thank you,” Finn said, overwhelmed but hopeful.

Amelia joined them at the table, crawling into Finn’s lap. Avery smiled at her. “Amelia, are you ready to be adopted finally?”

“Yeah!”

“Have you guys thought about last names?”

“Well, since I kept my name to honor my father, I'm not sure what we're going to do,” Finn replied.

“What's a last name, Daddy?”

“It tells other people what family you belong with.”

“And when you adopt me, I'm going to belong with you, right? What's your last name?”

“Mine is Smith, and your Daddy’s last name is Dameron. It's more interesting than mine, so if you choose it, I'd understand.”

“What's my last name now?”

“You’re a Suzuki.”

“Hmmm. That's going to be a really hard choice,” Amelia said contemplatively.

\-----------------------------

Life was really too good, Finn thought, as he watched Amelia run around the backyard, kicking a soccer ball while he and Snap monitored steaks on the grill. Elisa and Poe were inside prepping the rest of dinner.  He sighed, and Snap looked at him, raising a brow. “Hard to explain, Snap.  Just happy.” Finn shrugged.

Snap smiled. “Understandable.” Snap and Finn lapsed into quiet for a moment. Then, Snap turned to Finn, placing a hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “Finn, it may be the beer talking, or the fucking perfect July evening, but I’m feeling sentimental enough to tell you this.  I’ve never met a man more deserving of complete and utter happiness than Poe Dameron. That bullshit with the military, and his parents dying… as happy as you are right now, just know that you’re the best thing I’ve ever seen in Poe’s life.”

Finn was left thunderstruck, unsure of what to say.  He took a sip of his own beer.  Snap  _ never  _ got sentimental on him.  Their friendly relationship consisted mostly of baseball talk and mutual love for ribbing Poe.

Snap let him off the hook. “Sorry, man.  I just…” He looked out at Amelia, and his face softened. “I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently.”

“Don’t apologize, Snap. But if you and Elisa don’t tell us what’s up in the next few minutes, I may have to kick your ass.”

Snap smiled, embarrassment leaving his face for good. “Soon, Finn. Soon.”

Soon turned out to be when everyone was seated for dinner and food had been served.  Finn was leaning over Amelia, asking if she wanted him to cut her steak, when Elisa cleared her throat.

“So, um. Well, I’ll just come out and say it…” Then she paused.

“ **_Elisa_ ** ,” Finn groaned.

“Jeez, let a girl have some dramatic flair, okay? I’m pregnant!” Elisa’s eyes were shining, and Snap smiled widely at her. Poe high-fived Snap, which made Elisa and Finn roll their eyes.

“Congratulations, you two,” Finn said, as Amelia tugged at his t-shirt to get his attention.

“Daddy, what’s ‘pregnant?’” Amelia had a look of intense curiosity on her face.

“Oh, um, well, you see, there’s a baby growing inside Elisa’s stomach.  A few months from now, Elisa and Snap are going to have a little baby. Elisa’s going to be a mommy, and Snap’s going to be a daddy like me.”

“Like Nan is your mommy?”

“Yeah, just like that.”

Amelia pushed food around her plate, lower lip beginning to jut out even though she was trying to look nonchalant. The conversation around the table picked up.

Finn leaned over to Amelia again, who’s eyes were starting to tear. “What's wrong, sweet pea?”

“Daddy, could we take a walk?” It was a signal Finn and Poe had devised for Amelia for when she felt overwhelmed in a social situation.

“Sure thing, Amelia.” Finn turned back to the group. “We'll be right back, you can keep eating.” Finn stood, and held out a hand for Amelia to grasp. She did, and they started walking around to the front of the house.

Finn let Amelia set the destination and pace. She started walking down the driveway toward the main road, but paused at a patch of flowers Poe had planted. She looked up at Finn, ready to speak. “Is Elisa going to go away?”

Finn tried not to react as he realized he was treading in dangerous waters. “What makes you think that would happen, sweet pea?”

“My mommy went away.” Amelia looked down at her feet, and Finn crouched to embrace her.

“Oh, Amelia,” Finn replied, rubbing her back as she let the tears fall.

“And Daddy's mommy is gone too.” Amelia crawled onto Finn’s lap, and he sat back, making them more comfortable.

“Sometimes daddies and mommies have to go away,” Finn said while continuing to rub her back. “But not all mommies do. Just because she's going to be a mom now, doesn't mean Elisa’s leaving you. I still have Nan, right?” He felt her little head nod against his chest. “And guess what, you get to help out with the baby. Won't that be exciting? You'll get to teach it all about the farm and the horses and the chickens, and Elisa will be so happy that you can do that.” Amelia's fingers were still gripping into his t-shirt. “Sweet pea, I think I have something you'd like to see. Can I take you to my office?” Another nod.

Finn carried her back into the house and up the stairs. Buli was settled in his office chair, and he set her down in front of the cat, knowing Amelia would find comfort in petting her. He turned to rummage through his file cabinet, until he found what he was looking for.  Avery had given them this file of Amelia’s known background several weeks ago. He flicked it open and found the picture of Kohei and Reiko Suzuki. “Amelia, maybe you'd like to see this.”

She looked up from Buli and shifted over to get a good look. “They look like me,” Amelia said as she looked up at Finn with wonder. “That's my mommy and daddy, isn't it?”

“Do you remember them?”

She continued to examine the picture of the young Japanese couple sitting on someone's steps, obviously happy and in love. The woman was very pregnant, and she was the spitting image of Amelia. “I didn't remember their faces. But I remember her holding me. And I remember him singing, like Daddy does.” Amelia ran her fingers over her mother’s face. “She's pretty, Daddy.”

“She's beautiful, just like you. And even though she had to leave you, you'll always have this to remember her by,” he said, indicating the picture. “And,” he continued, taking her chin gently in his hands, “you'll always have this to remember her by too.”

“Could we put this in the hallway, too?”

“I think that's a really great idea.” He hugged her again, kissing her on the crown of her head. “Are you still worried that Elisa’s going to leave you?”

“A little,” Amelia admitted.

“The truth is, sometimes the people who love us have to leave, like when my dad went away. And sometimes having a baby can be complicated. But I know Elisa, and I know she'd promise you that she's going to be super careful so nothing bad happens.”

Amelia contemplated that. “But if something bad does happen, we’ll take care of the baby, right, Daddy? It wouldn't have to go live far away like I did?”

“We will absolutely make sure the baby gets to stay on the farm.” Finn wondered if he'd taken a misstep, saying that bad things sometimes happened.  _ But how can I feed her bullshit when she's already experienced loss? _

Finn’s worries were put to rest when Amelia seemed to brighten, untangling herself from Finn’s arms and standing. “I'm hungry!”

“Well then, shall we end our walk?”

“Yeah,” she agreed, and they made their way back to dinner.

\---------

Finn and Poe each held one of Amelia’s hands as they looked up at the huge courthouse building. Amelia's eyes were as round as saucers, and she looked as apprehensive as Finn felt. Poe smiled at both of them. “It's going to be okay, you guys. Just watch. We'll be out and celebrating at lunch with everyone before you know it.”

“But Daddy, can I get guacamole?”

Poe smiled and ruffled her hair, and the exchange helped Finn relax. “Yes, nugget, you can get guacamole,” he replied, smiling.

Inside, they, along with the rest of the farm family, all dressed in their best, were quickly ushered into an empty courtroom. As the judge entered, they stood, and he swore Finn, Poe and Amelia in.

Judge Anderson was a kindly looking older man, and he smiled nicely down at them. “I'm going to start with the adoptive parents. Please introduce yourself and tell the court why you wish to adopt Amelia Mae Suzuki.”

Sharon and Avery had prepped them all for this, but Finn still swallowed before answering. “I'm Finn Smith, and this is my husband Poe Dameron, and we’re here to adopt Amelia because we love her, and she deserves this.”

“Honestly, your honor,” Poe picked up, “Amelia is already our daughter in every sense of the word except legally in the eyes of Oregon.”

“And Miss Amelia, do you understand what is happening here today?”

Amelia’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Yes, my daddies are adopting me so I can belong with them.”

“And do you want to belong with them?” The judge smiled at her.

“Yes!” Amelia's voice was a little louder this time.

The judge looked at his notes. “I have excellent testimony from the caseworker and Amelia's counselor here, both of whom believe that Amelia would be happiest if she stayed with you two. Mr. Smith and Mr. Dameron, do you understand that if you two were to break up, get a divorce, Amelia would still be your dual responsibility?”

Again, they'd been prepared for the question, so neither Finn nor Poe was shocked. But before they could both answer in the affirmative, Amelia yelled, “That's not going to happen! Do you know how much my daddies love each other? I can tell because they are  _ always  _ holding hands and kissing.” Amelia's hands were on her hips as she glared at the judge.

Finn put an arm around her in comfort as he and Poe answered, “We understand, your honor.”

Judge Anderson smiled down at Amelia again. “Amelia, have your daddies given you what you needed?”

“Yeah, they give me hugs and kisses and my insulin, and sometimes I get ice cream, but only sometimes.”

Everyone in the courtroom let out a little laugh. The judge asked a few more questions, about their routines and activities. Finally, he declared, “This court and the State of Oregon are satisfied with this adoption, which will become permanent when I sign the decree of adoption. Amelia, would you like to help me bang the gavel and end this thing?”

Amelia's eyes widened with enthusiasm as she nodded, and Poe carried her up to the Judge’s bench, where the judge showed her how to bang the gavel.

The judge signed the adoption decree, and soon the whole family was heading back out into the August sunshine.

“We need to take a picture of you three,” Anne called after wiping away some tears.

Finn swept Amelia up in his arms, and Poe wrapped his arm around Finn’s back, encircling them. No one had to remind any of them to smile.

\------------------

It arrived a few weeks later, in a specially marked envelope that Finn had to sign for. He took the envelope back to the living room where Poe sat watching Amelia play with her stuffed animals.

Finn held up the envelope. “It's here!”

Amelia looked up. “What is it, Daddy?”

“Your new birth certificate. Want to take a look?”

Amelia crawled onto Poe’s lap, waiting expectantly as Finn broke the seal and pulled out the paperwork inside. He held it in front of her. “Amelia Mae Suzuki Smith-Dameron.  Or Amelia Smith-Dameron, for short.”

“I think it's perfect,” Amelia whispered.

“I think so too,” Finn murmured.

"I think so, three," Poe agreed, smiling.


	27. Come over here and make me - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn's all hot and bothered over Soccer Poe. 
> 
> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 8

_ This is so wrong.  _ Finn’s hand clenched hard enough to have his nails biting into his palm, and the slight pain cleared his head a bit. But then he looked back out to Poe on the soccer field, and he was breathless again, and thinking,  _ This is so wrong. This is so wrong.  _ He should definitely have been over this by now, right?  He should  _ not  _ have been sitting on the bleachers, trying to subtly adjust himself, when his five-year-old daughter was chatting happily with Mary right beside him. He talked himself down, only to have Poe glance his way with fuck-me eyes.  _ Fuck. _

“Daddy, do you like my hair?” Amelia tugged on his pant leg, effectively distracting him. She lifted her arms, and he pulled her up into his lap.

He schooled his face into one of serious consideration and made Amelia turn her head this way and that, until Amelia was a giggling mess in his lap. He ran his hands over the flat black french braids and tugged a little at the ends. “It looks beautiful, Amelia. Did you thank Mary?” Amelia nodded vigorously, but scrambled off of his lap anyway, rushing back to Mary and throwing her arms around Mary’s neck in a hug. Mary hugged back with just as much strength.

“Daddy, can I go kick the ball for a bit?”

“Yeah, sweet pea, just stay in sight, okay?” Finn smiled as she rushed off. Amelia was always in a rush, he mused.

Mary scooted closer to him and offered him her water. “Need some?”

“No, I’m good,” Finn replied, eyes moving between Poe and Amelia.

She nudged him with her shoulder. “Are you sure?”

Finn tore his eyes away and raised his eyebrow at her instead. “Uh, yeah, why are you being so insistent?”

She smirked. “Because before Amelia distracted you, you were looking awfully  _ thirsty  _ over here.”

Finn rolled his eyes, flushing red and hot. “Oh my god, Mary.  You’re the worst.” He turned back to his surveillance.

Mary nudged him with her shoulder again. “Aw, don’t be that way, Finn. When you’re married to the second finest piece of ass this county has to offer, you’re allowed to get all lusty-eyed.”

“I have a five year old. And - don’t tell anyone, we’re not even sure anything will come from it - but Poe and I have another appointment with Sharon, tomorrow.”

Mary’s eyes widened. “You’re getting another kid?”

“I know, it’s soon. But it’s a special case and Sharon thought specifically of us.” Finn watched Amelia kick the ball against the arena wall, ignoring the other small kids, and sighed. “I mean, nothing’s guaranteed at the meeting tomorrow, but maybe it would be good for Amelia to be around another kid. I worry about her.”

Mary leaned into him, hugging him around the waist. “Of course you do, because you’re a good father.” Mary pulled away, then smirked again. “And sometimes good fathers need a good fucking lay, you know?”

Finn burst out laughing, then followed her stare to where Poe was using his t-shirt to wipe his face. By lifting it to completely expose his stomach and some of his pecs. All the feelings from before resurfaced, and Finn groaned. Mary patted his knee. “Good luck, mi amigo.”

\-------------------------

By the time they’d gotten through dinner, and Amelia’s bedtime ritual, Finn was completely frustrated. Poe made matters worse, giving him dark-eyed looks every time he glanced Finn’s way.

He was lingering over his own bedtime ritual, having just finished brushing his teeth, when he glanced in the mirror to see Poe, naked except for his sleep boxers, leaning on the door to the bedroom. “Come to bed, Finn.”

It was an order, and it made Finn’s pulse pick up speed. But Finn was frustrated, and needed something a little more. “Come over here and make me.” He met Poe’s eyes in the mirror, saw them flash with something. Anger? Lust?

Suddenly Poe was behind him, breath on his neck, skin touching Finn’s deliciously. “Run that by me again?” Poe growled in his ear.

“I said,  _ make me.”  _ Finn rolled his hips back, feeling Poe’s growing cock along his crack. This, this was what Finn loved about Poe being more aggressive in bed. Finn didn’t want to be subdued, not the way Poe liked. He wanted to be challenged. Poe knew this; he’d asked, once, if Finn minded that they didn’t have this type of sex very often. Finn had snuggled in closer, and told Poe never to worry about such a silly thing.

Poe’s hands moved over his arms, pressing them down so they were both leaning a bit over the counter now. He pressed a kiss to the side of Finn’s neck. Finn started to push back, and Poe bit in lightly. “You’re in a mood, aren’t you?” he murmured, kissing tenderly the area he’d bitten.

Finn pushed back again and wanted to whine, so needy. “Yeah. The type of mood where I won’t put up with neck kisses. Are you going to fuck me, or am I going to have to take care of myself?”

“Well I was going to fuck you, but now you’ve intrigued me.” Poe backed away, separating himself, and this time Finn did whine. Poe walked out of the bathroom, and despite himself, Finn followed, watching as Poe flipped the lock on the door, then leaned against it and folded his arms over his chest.

“You’re not going to fuck me?”

Poe’s smile was absolutely wicked, Finn decided. “I think you’re going to have to take care of yourself.”

Finn narrowed his eyes, but crossed to the bed. “Fine.” He slipped his thumbs underneath the waistband of his boxers and turned away from Poe, sliding them slowly down over his ass before bending to take them completely off. “I don’t need a man,” he replied petulantly as he flicked a glance over his shoulder at Poe, who still looked bemused.

He got up on the bed, locked eyes with Poe, and began to stroke himself. Poe’s tongue darted out, licking his lip before he bit down on it. Finn moaned a little, squeezing to slow his excitement a bit. Still, he never took his eyes off of Poe’s. It was like a game of sexual chicken; he was trying to tempt Poe to bed, and Poe seemed content watching him jack himself, and Finn wasn’t sure who was going to break first.

“I thought you wanted to be fucked.” Poe's voice was quiet across the bedroom.

Finn raised an eyebrow even as he squeezed again, trying not to come. “You’re right.” He reached for the lube on the nightstand, then hastily slicked up a finger. Spreading his legs wide so Poe could see, he circled his rim before nudging the finger in. God, it amazed him every time how tight the muscle was at first. He moaned louder now, finally taking his gaze off of Poe as his eyes slid shut.

“Quiet, Finn. Little ears.”

“Shit.” But Finn bit down on his lip as he worked a second finger in, curling up inside, seeking the spot, curling, looking for it, getting frustrated. He added a third finger, and there it was. Finn shuddered, groaning as his fingers slipped over his prostate again. His other hand went from gripping the sheets to his cock, and he was so close he could taste it.

“Fuck, stop.” At first Poe’s command didn’t register, but Finn felt the bed sink with his weight and opened his eyes to slits. Poe had shed his boxers sometime in the last few minutes. Poe’s hand was tentative on Finn’s wrist, his eyes blown wide with lust now. “It’s fucking hot, baby. So fucking hot.”

Finn let his fingers slip out on a moan. “I’m ready for you, Poe, so fucking come here.”

“Get on your hands and knees.”

Finn was ready in more ways than one. He was ready to take the orders now, and he hastily followed them. He felt Poe’s hand on his hip, rough and gentle at the same time; felt the other hand, lubed now, test his entrance. “You are so ready, you did such a good job preparing yourself, Finn.”

Finn rested his head on the bedspread, pushing his hips higher. “Jesus christ, Poe, you have the patience of a fucking saint.”

“I take that to mean that you don’t.” Finn felt Poe’s head pushing past his rim now, and almost sighed in relief. “That you just want me to get. To. the. Point.” Each word was punctuated with a slow thrust that sank him deeper into Finn.

“Poe!” Finn called out, when Poe bottomed out.

“Shhhhhh.”

“Ngnh,” Finn groaned, muffled by the bed.

Poe had a hand on his back now, steadily pumping in and out of him in a rhythm that Finn thought might actually drive him insane.

“I swear to God, Poe, if you don’t go faster…”

“I mean, I can stop, if you want.”

“Fuck, no!” Finn yelled as Poe picked up speed.

“Touch yourself,” Poe growled in his ear, and Finn did, eyes squeezing shut at the sensation of Poe nailing his prostate with every stroke. Finn had barely stroked his dick twice before he came, spilling onto the sheets below.

He clenched down on Poe and above him, Poe panted, then grunted, and Finn felt the warmth of Poe coming inside him. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he muttered as Poe slipped out of him, then moved them into a spooning position.

Poe chuckled against his back. “Jesus fucking Christ is right. You have got to be the mouthiest bottom I’ve ever met.”

“Oh, because you’ve met so many,” Finn replied dryly. Finn had only been the second person Poe had topped in his life.

Poe arms squeezed around him. “Hey, this is me, not complaining.” He felt Poe shift, then his weight lifted off the mattress. “Now get up, we need to change the sheets and clean up.” Finn felt a swat on his butt and giggled a little before rolling away from the mess and toward Poe, who held out a hand.

Sex-drunk, they giggled together as they performed the tasks, before redressing and unlocking the door, should Amelia need them in the night. Finn fell asleep with one hand still tangled in Poe’s curls.


	28. We Are Not Broken - Rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe are asked to consider adopting another child.
> 
> Tags: Emotional hurt/Comfort, Injury, Past emotional and physical abuse, past child abuse, homophobia, transphobia, gender dysphoria

“Hey, Daddy?” Amelia called from the dining room table.

“Yes, sweet pea,” Finn answered distractedly, scouring the kitchen cupboards for the applesauce packets he  _ knew  _ he bought at the store.  

“Daddy?” Amelia’s voice was closer this time, and Finn turned around to find her staring up at him.

He crouched. “Yes, sweet pea?”

“Did you have a nightmare last night?  Because I heard you yelling and I know sometimes I yell in my dreams so I thought maybe you had a bad dream?”

Finn felt himself flush as he remembered  _ exactly  _ what Poe had done to him last night to get him to lose himself and yell out loud when Amelia had been sleeping.    _ This awkward family moment has been brought to you by our sponsor, Soccer Poe _ , Finn thought sarcastically.  He schooled his face into a calm expression. “Yeah, Amelia, I had a bad dream, and your daddy helped me fall back asleep afterwards, just like he helps you.  Sorry I woke you up, sweet pea.”

Amelia had the most sincere look on her face, and Finn vowed then and there that Poe was going to get it later,  _ quietly _ , for this. Amelia hugged him, then rubbed his back like he did for her when she was upset. “It’s okay, Daddy. Did he tell you, ‘You are not alone’? Because that’s my favorite part. I only have to be alone when I choose to be, right Daddy?”

Finn pulled her back and looked into her eyes. “You can always choose to be alone whenever you want, but you’ll carry us here anyway,” Finn said as he placed a hand over her heart.  He kissed her forehead, then huffed out a breath. “Now, Amelia, do you happen to remember at all where Daddy put the applesauce for your lunch?”

“It’s over here, babe.” Poe walked into the kitchen, opening a cupboard Finn swore he’d checked, and pulling out a packet. He handed it to Finn, stealing a kiss on the cheek as he did so.  “Amelia, time for socks and shoes and coat!  We need to get ready for school.”

Amelia gasped in delight and ran out of the room.

Poe watched her, grinning, then turned to Finn, who was continuing to put together her lunch at the counter.  “Those light up Elsa shoes were the best birthday present idea ever, Finn. Who knew she’d get so excited to put on her shoes every day?”  

They had celebrated Amelia’s birthday the week before by taking her to a local ice skating rink.  Amelia had been a natural, and Finn had managed to get by, but Poe had spent more time on his butt than on his feet, until he declared he would just take pictures from the sidelines. They’d come across barely anything involving physical activity, especially if it involved the outdoors, that Amelia didn’t enjoy or even excel at. It could be complicated to keep up with her blood sugar since she was so active, but there was no way they were letting diabetes limit their little girl. Poe was itching to teach her to ride.  He and Finn had agreed that six more months, in the upcoming summer, would be a good time to start.  They were having less success with getting Amelia to enjoy the Japanese culture lessons she took from an older woman in Salem, probably because it involved sitting still for too long.

“I know, I’m a genius.  An Amelia-whisperer. I should write books to share my knowl- hey!” Finn laughed as Poe grabbed him around the waist, tickling his stomach.

“How are you feeling after last night?” Poe whispered in his ear, his breath tickling Finn’s neck.

“Well, considering Amelia heard everything, I’m feeling slight regret.”

Poe laughed outright. “Never could keep you quiet.  I’m surprised it’s taken almost a year for Amelia to say something.”

Finn rolled his eyes, although he had to admit Poe had a point, not that he would ever tell him that out loud. “Okay, different subject.” Finn turned, looking Poe in the eyes. “Should we tell Amelia about our appointment today?” Finn was going along for the ride as Poe took Amelia to school because they had an appointment with Sharon, their adoption advisor, right after.

“I think we should wait.  We don’t know what’s going to happen, just that Sharon has another match for us.  And we have to be cautious, because we have one more person to consider now,” Poe reasoned.

“You’re sure you’re ready to add to the family again, if this is a match?” Finn’s forehead wrinkled. They hadn’t really planned on adding another kid to the family so soon, but Sharon had called last week and asked if they’d be willing to look at someone’s file.

“I wouldn’t have agreed to the appointment if I felt like I couldn't handle it, because we both know I’m going to go in there and want to end up adopting all the children again. Until we have enough for our own soccer team.”

Finn smiled. “We’d have to build an extension on the house.  Maybe a wing of bunk beds.” Poe laughed, then they both turned at the clomping sound of Amelia running through the house in her Elsa shoes.

“I’m ready!” She yelled as she ran into the kitchen, skipping around Finn and Poe so that she could watch her shoes light up more.

They successfully dropped Amelia off at daycare, although they got sidetracked when Amelia insisted on introducing Finn to all of her friends and favorite toys (which she introduced to him just as ceremoniously as she had done with the people). A short time later they found themselves on the loveseat in Sharon’s office once again, holding hands and waiting while she pulled out the correct file.

“I just want to start by saying thank you for considering this. I know we didn’t intend to be seeing each other again less than a year after the last time, but I have a case that I really want to share with you. Well, Avery and I do. We’ve been putting our heads together again on this one. If you’ll consider it, and if things go well between he and Amelia, I truly believe you’ll be the right home for Sam.”

She pulled out a picture and handed it to Poe, who held it in front of both of them.  Finn’s eyes widened as he took in the image of a teenage boy, beanpole skinny but slight in stature, with delicate features and shaggy brown hair doing its best to hide the massive purple bruise standing out on the boy’s pale cheek.

“How old is he?” Poe asked.

“Sam will be turning 14 in March.  He’s currently an 8th grader.”

“How did he get the bruise?” Finn asked, forcing the words through clenched teeth, and Poe glanced at him, then squeezed the hand he held.

“Sam was removed from an abusive home last spring. The state was alerted by a teacher. His mother died when he was young, and Sam was living with only his father, who is now in jail for this abuse.  I want you to know that, if you agree ultimately to adopt Sam, he’s still going to be facing his father’s trial and the trauma that will bring up.”

Finn clenched the hand that wasn’t grasping Poe’s into a fist, then consciously released it. Anger was useless here. “So, since the spring, he’s been…”

“Avery has had a hard time finding a good foster placement for Sam.  As you can expect, his past experiences have left a lot of damage, and he sometimes lashes out, at others, or himself.  He was placed in a group foster home a couple of months ago. He receives counseling there, and schooling.  But he’s had...altercations… with some of the other teens there.”

Poe’s eyes widened. “Would he be safe to have around Amelia?”

Sharon looked him directly in the eyes. “I completely understand that concern, Poe.  I want you to know that I would never be bringing this up to you if I believed Sam was capable of hurting anyone in your family.  But the ultimate deciding factor will be meeting Sam, and if that goes well, having Amelia meet Sam.  And I need you to know one other thing.  Many of these altercations have centered around the fact that Sam’s gay.”

Finn let some of his anger simmer to the surface. “Why does he have to stay there if this is how he’s being treated?”

Sharon sighed. “Avery knows it’s not a good situation, which is one of the reasons she reached out to me to contact you two.  She can’t find a foster situation that can follow Sam’s therapy schedule, and home schooling is best for him right now.”

Both Finn and Poe lapsed into silence, considering. Finn looked back down at the picture of Sam that Finn held. Poe spoke first. “I never expected a teenager.”

“Neither did I,” Finn replied.

Sharon looked pained. “Teenagers are notoriously hard to place into adoptive families. They often end up just getting emancipated and striking out on their own.” Finn frowned.

“I don’t want him to have to do that, if we can help it,” Poe said.

“I don’t want him to have to stay in what’s obviously a toxic environment anymore. And I don’t want him to have to face that motherfucker of a father in court by himself.” Finn’s eyes were fierce.

“So, we’ll meet him.”  

Poe had said it as a statement, but Finn answered anyway. “We’ll meet him.”

\------------------------------

It was hard for Finn to figure out if he felt more nervous now or back when they had first met Amelia. There was no way to charm a teenager with a stuffed cat, unless of course the giver was another teenager.  Finn felt like he'd never been this unsure of himself with Amelia. On the other hand, Poe looked cool as a cucumber. Maybe it was because he worked with teens on the farm in the summer.

Everyone had agreed that meeting on neutral ground would be best, and they'd chosen a coffee house near the group home, which was an hour away in Beaverton. Finn chewed his lip as he got out of the pickup, and Poe held out his hand for comfort. Finn took it, figuring that if showing Poe affection made him uncool in the eyes of the teenager, they might as well get it out of the way right away, because Finn and Poe were not lacking in the department of public displays of affection.

Avery and Sam were already inside, and both stood, Avery making the introductions. Sam surprised Finn by sticking his hand out for both of them, shaking weakly, but shaking hands nonetheless.

Drinks and pastries ordered, they sat around the table, Poe comfortably setting his arm around Finn’s shoulder. Sam eyed the move, but said nothing. He popped his knuckles, and Finn noticed the knuckles on his right hand were red and raw.

“So, who talks first? Do I talk first?” Sam said, a hint of sarcasm detectable in his tone.

Avery frowned even as Poe smirked. He had always appreciated smartasses. “It's weird, isn't it? We have a daughter. We adopted her last year when she was four. We broke the ice with a book about animal sounds, but somehow I don't think that will work with you.”

Sam cracked a small smile. “I accelerated past animal sounds a long time ago. I'm all the way up to “See Spot run!” now.”

This time, Poe laughed, and Finn grinned. “Good, you could help Amelia with her homework,” Poe quipped.

Sam actually laughed, but the sound seemed to startle him and he quieted almost immediately and turned to Avery, starting to stand. “Do we really have to do this? We all know I'm going back to the group home. There's no way these guys are taking me when they have a tiny daughter.”

“Amelia may be little, but she's also fierce. She can withstand a lot.” Poe looked into Sam’s eyes. “Stay. Chat with us. None of us can make any decisions if we don't keep moving forward.”

Sam sat back down again. “What should we chat about?”

Finn broke in. “What do you like to do?”

“Uh, well, at the group home, I mostly try to find a space to myself and draw.” He indicated a worn spiral notebook in front of him on the table.

“Feel free to say no, because I absolutely understand a right to privacy, but can we see?” Finn gestured at the notebook.

Sam shrugged, that way teens do when they really do care about a thing they don't want to care about. He pushed the notebook over to Finn, and Finn prepared himself to praise whatever was in the notebook even if it was atrocious. As he flipped through the pages, though, he realized Sam had some raw talent that was slowly being honed through skill. He drew portraits, landscapes, even a still life here or there. Peppered throughout the pages was the name Meghan, and Finn wondered if maybe Sharon had been incorrect and Sam was bi or pan, not gay. “Sam, this work is really, really well done.” Finn noticed that Sam seemed to shudder at the use of his name. Finn pursed his lips, deciding to distract rather than pursue. “How long have you been drawing?”

There was that half shrug again, and Sam seemed more withdrawn, but he did answer, “As long as I can remember. I used to do cartooning but lately I like to make things look real.” Sam’s enthusiasm was picking up again. “I watched this YouTube video of a person doing photo-realistic paintings a few months ago, and he said practice, so that's what I've been doing.”

“That's awesome,” Poe said, smiling. “I don't know many adults who decide to commit to something like that.”

Sam looked really pleased with Poe’s praise. It made Finn want to compliment every little thing about him right then and there, because he obviously hadn't heard enough in his life. He knew it would be taken as pity, though.

“Where do you guys live?” Sam asked.

Finn sat back as Poe explained the farm to Sam, smiling as he always did when he watched the love of his life talk about the farm with such enthusiasm and light in his eyes. He saw Sam glance his way several times, smiling a little along with Finn.

The conversation moved along from there and ended up being over an hour long, Sam alternating between sincere and sarcastic. Poe and Finn tried to give Sam the best idea of what life with them would be like, talking about Amelia and her condition, the house, their routines. They talked about the local high schools, saying they'd be willing to drive to whichever one suited Sam, as they already had to drive to drop off Amelia. Finn made sure not to say Sam’s name again, and noticed that Poe didn't either, that he must have picked up on that, too.

When the conversation wound down, Avery got their attention by clearing her throat. “Ultimately in an older placement, it works best if he is the one to decide if he wants to try it out.” She moved her hand on the table towards Sam, but didn't touch him, Finn noted. He'd have to remember that, considering Finn was very touchy-feely. “In the end, honey, the state can put you where they want, but I'll fight tooth and nail to give you what  _ you  _ want. That's my job.”

Finn had to imagine that Sam felt intense pressure now, as Sam squirmed a bit in his chair. “It's okay, though. You don't have to make a decision today,” Poe reassured him. “And I want you to know that our decision will be dependent on Amelia. But,” Poe glanced at Finn, and Finn nodded, “we would love to try it out. We'd love to give you a safe space to be yourself.”

Sam nodded, then asked them to excuse him as he went to the restroom.

Avery turned to Finn. “I'm so sorry, I forgot to warn you about the name. His counselor thinks that he reacts negatively to it because his father’s name is also Sam.”

Finn nodded as his heart broke a little. “That makes sense.” Avery filled them in on the latest developments in the case against Sam’s dad until they saw Sam making his way back. They said their goodbyes, Finn and Poe both hoping Sam would choose to test out life with their small family.

\---------------

The Friday after their first meeting, Finn was busy in the office he'd inherited from Greg after his retirement, getting everything ready for a citizenship hearing, when his intercom buzzed and his assistant Paula’s voice came through.

“Finn, you have a phone call coming in, it's collect and the person didn't identify themself. Do you want to take it?”

“Sure,” he replied, picking up his phone. It wasn’t an everyday occurrence, but it wasn't unusual for anonymous calls about immigrant issues to come in, either. “This is Finn Smith at the Lockhart Firm, how can I help you?”

“Finn?” There was a lot of background noise, but Finn recognized Sam’s voice. “It's...me.”

“Yeah, I gotcha, buddy.” Finn fleetingly thought that if Sam did decide to move in with them, they'd have to figure out this name thing quickly. Concern spiked through Finn as he heard loud car horns through the phone. “Where are you?”

“I...I ran away from the group home. I took a bus, the first one I could find, and rode it until the end of the line. I'm at the bus depot now, in Portland. I...don't know what to do next. I ran out of money.” Sam's voice got really small. “I think I might have to spend the night here, and I'm scared. I couldn't remember the name of the farm, but I found you under immigration lawyers.”

Finn was on high alert, now. “Are you currently in a safe place? Is there a cafe you could go into, be around other people?”

Finn heard Sam sniffle through the phone. “Yeah, there's a Burger King across the street. I could go there.”

“I can be there in 45 minutes. I want you to go into the Burger King and stay there until I find you, okay?”

More sniffles. “Okay.”

“Do you have your notebook?”

“Yeah.”

“Draw a picture of the person working behind the counter at Burger King. I'll be there before you know it.”

“Okay. Finn? Thank you.”

Finn was already calling Poe as he ended the call with Sam. He quickly explained what was happening. “Can you make it, Poe? Because he'll want you. He connected to you first, he wanted to call the farm but didn’t remember the name.” Finn was rapidly grabbing his stuff, mouthing “Emergency, I'll call you,” to his assistant, and slipping his hands-free device into his ear.

“Yeah, I'm already on my way to my pickup.” Poe replied, his voice hard. “I'll meet you guys there.”

On the road, Finn called Avery, leaving a message when it went to voicemail. He considered calling the group home but he didn't know the name, couldn't remember it through the red haze of panic that was threatening to overtake his system. He drove as fast as he felt he could get away with, hands gripping the wheel tightly. When he had finally parked and rushed into the Burger King, his heart settled when he saw Sam in a corner booth, looking small and scared, wrapped into himself. Finn forced himself to calm and walk over slowly, resisting the urge to pull Sam into a hug.

“Hi, buddy,” Finn said with a brightness he didn't feel as he slid into the opposite side of the booth. “No one bothered you, right?”

Sam looked up, and Finn could see tear tracks down his cheeks, but he smiled in relief at the sight of Finn. “Hi.” He shifted, winced, and Finn went on high alert again.

“Are you hurt?” His voice came out stronger than he'd meant, and Sam shied away. Finn cleared his throat. “I'm sorry,” he said in a soothing tone. “I didn't mean to raise my voice. I just need to know if we need to go to the doctor.”

Finn could tell Sam was favoring his left side. Sam kept his eyes down. “It hurts to move my arm,” he admitted.

“Okay.” Finn knew he needed to get Sam to relax, so that he could coax him to the doctor.  But he also needed information.  “Was there another fight at the group home?”

Sam nodded. “Timothy, just like before. He thinks I like him, thinks I look at him when he's changing, but I didn't!” Sam looked into Finn’s eyes then, pleading with him to understand.

“Of course you didn't. You didn't deserve this, buddy. None of it.” Finn held Sam's eyes with his, willing him to believe it. They both broke the eye contact at the sound of Finn’s cell phone text alert chiming. Finn checked it, then looked back up at Sam. “Poe's here,” he said, then was rewarded for calling Poe when Sam visibly relaxed a little more. 

Poe strode up, looking like the protective cowboy Finn had first imagined him, as if he wore guns on his hips and was ready to use them to defend his family. Before he could say anything, Finn spoke calmly. “He was attacked at the group home. We need to go to the doctor.” Finn began to look for the nearest Urgent Care on his phone.

“Can I sit here?” Poe asked, indicating the booth seat beside Sam. Sam nodded. “Attacked, huh? Can you move your fingers?”

Sam shook his head. “Hurts,” he said in a quiet voice.

“There's an urgent care a few blocks from here. We could all take my car,” Finn said, thinking the sedan would be easier for Sam to get into.

“Are you okay with that? Are you ready to move?” Finn asked Sam. He nodded, seeming subdued but also much more relaxed by the presence of Finn and Poe.

When they were all in the car, Finn said, “Poe, could you leave another message with Avery? I couldn't reach her earlier.”

Apparently Poe did reach her, and they had a brief conversation. “She's meeting us at Urgent Care. She didn't even know he was gone, the group home hadn't reported it.” Finn could tell Poe was trying to keep his voice intentionally light so as to not startle Sam with his anger. Finn heard Poe place another call, to Anne, asking if she and Leia could pick Amelia up from school and watch her until they got home.

At Urgent Care, Finn motioned for Poe and Sam to sit down while he waited in line. Checking in was complicated, because neither man was Sam’s legal guardian, and Avery hadn't arrived yet. Finn eventually got frustrated enough that he used his low, scary voice on the receptionist. “Listen, I will pay for everything out of pocket, but you can't just let a kid sit there in pain because he's got no one left in the world. Call this number, talk to Avery. She'll verify his status.” The receptionist very grudgingly verified with Avery the consent of the state for a doctor to look at Sam.

She looked at Finn over her little glasses. “But neither of you will be able to go back with him,” she said sternly.

Finn wanted to argue, knew it was useless. He went back over to Sam and Poe and delivered the news. “Will you be okay by yourself?” He asked Sam.

Sam nodded, and Finn wasn't sure if he was subdued by the pain or by the events, but he found himself wishing for the sarcastic kid he'd met a few days ago.  _ Please, whoever’s out there, let him mesh well with Amelia, because I don't think I can give him up at this point. _

They called Sam back, by name, of course, and all three of them winced. Finn couldn't help himself, and touched Sam lightly on his non-injured shoulder. Sam looked up at him. “We'll be right here the whole time. You’re not alone. And after, we're taking you home with us, and you won’t have to go back to that group home ever again.”

Sam nodded, a slight smile on his face despite the deep lines of worry and pain, and walked through the door with the nurse.

Finn immediately started pacing, the adrenaline of the last two hours finally catching up with him all at once. “What the fuck, Poe,” he said, a little too loudly, and other people in the waiting room glared. He stopped in front of Poe, grabbing the lapels of his leather jacket and pulling him gently closer. “What the fuck,” he said again, leaning in to rest his head on Poe’s shoulder. He could feel the vibrations in Poe’s tense body, but Poe wrapped his arms around Finn and squeezed.

“I agree,” Poe murmured in his ear, the anger in his voice barely contained.

When Avery arrived a few minutes later, she looked upset to see Finn and Poe in the waiting area, and walked up to the receptionist. Within minutes, the three of them were headed back to the patient room assigned to Sam.  “The receptionist said he’s getting x-rays done, but he’ll be right back to this room soon.” Avery looked apologetic. “I need to finish my conversation with my supervisor about this. I hope you don’t mind if I step outside.”

Finn shook his head and Poe replied, “Tell him Sam’s coming back with us after this.  I don’t care if it’s only temporary, he’s not going back to that place.”

“Of course, I already had someone back at the office start on the paperwork.  I’ll be back,” Avery said, shutting the door behind her.

There was nothing to do but wait, and Finn clung to one of Poe’s hands as they sat in the chairs. He turned to Poe. “I’ve never really appreciated what you went through when I had to have surgery.  It’s been ten minutes, and that was hours?  I don’t know how you survived.”

“I survived because I knew you were going to be okay, in my heart, and because I was surrounded by people I loved.  So, we know that Sam’s going to be okay, and we’re here for each other.  We’ll survive.” Poe punctuated the statement with a kiss across Finn’s knuckles.

The door opened, and a nurse brought Sam in in a wheelchair. Sam took in Poe and Finn’s clasped hands and lit up with a goofy smile. “I like how you guys do that. Touch each other,” he clarified, then giggled.

Finn looked up at the nurse with a confused look on his face, and the nurse smiled apologetically. “We had to give him some morphine for the pain.  It’s a simple break, but there’s a lot of swelling because it’s been so long since it happened, so it’s going to hurt a lot when we reset it. Morphine tends to make people loopy.”

“Doesn’t hurt at all now, isn’t that weird?” Sam added.

The nurse smiled over Sam’s head. “It’s going to be a little bit longer, but I’ll be back as soon as possible with a doctor to set the arm. Just stay comfortable, okay, dude?” At the use of the epithet Finn realized that Sam must have told the nurse how he felt about the use of his name. Avery came back into the room just as the nurse left, closing the door behind him.

“I didn’t look at Timothy.”

Poe was answering before Finn or Avery could reassure Sam again. “Bigots will always find a reason to attack us.  Their reasons are bullshit excuses 100% of the time.  It’s not your fault you were placed with some homophobic asshole.”

Poe’s language made Sam giggle again. “Not supposed to say that.”

Poe grinned. “Report me to the teacher, then.”

Sam sobered. “If only Timothy understood. I’m  _ not  _ gay.”

Avery frowned, and Poe got a confused look on his face and asked, “What doesn’t Timothy understand?”

Finn, however, was putting two and two together from earlier. “Who’s Meghan, buddy?”

It was Sam’s turn to look confused.  “How’d you find out about that, Finn?” He didn’t wait for Finn to answer. “I’m Meghan.”

That wasn’t what Finn had been expecting, but suddenly lots of things about Sam - Meghan, he corrected himself - seemed to fall into place, especially the reticence of using his - her? - name. So in Meghan’s mind, even if she liked boys, she wasn’t gay, because she was...a she?

“What pronouns do you prefer?” Poe asked, and Finn realized he must have been thinking along the same lines as Finn.

Meghan looked confused again, kind of like a puppy. “Huh?”

Finn smiled a little. “This is maybe not the best conversation to be having when Meghan’s high on morphine.”  

Avery stood back, letting the scene play out.

Meghan smiled back at him. “It sounds so good out loud.”

Poe leaned over to rub Meghan’s knee quickly. “Is this...are we the first people you’ve told?”

“Yeah, I don’t know, you guys are easy to talk to. And my dad said I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, but I don’t have to listen to him anymore, my counselor said.” Meghan’s grin was toothy and infectious. “I’m glad I get to go home with you, you said I get to be myself. I want to be Meghan.”

“Then you’ll be Meghan, no arguments here,” Finn replied, and Poe nodded.

There was a quick knock on the door, and the same nurse entered, followed by a doctor.  Poe and Finn stood, and the doctor held out his hand to shake. “Hi, I’m Dr. Hughes. Quite a crowd in here today.” Poe and Finn introduced themselves. “So, we’re looking at a simple fracture here, the good news is it’s a clean break, Sam.”

The nurse stopped prepping his station, “Oh, Dr. Hughes, he prefers-”

“Meghan,” Poe broke in.

“She,” Meghan corrected quietly, and Poe and Finn stood tense, expecting a fight but absolutely ready to engage in it.

Dr. Hughes simply continued his explanation, though. “You’ll have to wear the cast for about 6 weeks, Meghan, so you should probably pick a color you really like.” He spread out the options in front of her.

“I can draw on it, right?”

“Yeah, that’s not a problem, or if you want to get it signed, you can do that too.”

“I want white, so I can draw.”

“Sounds great,” Dr. Hughes said, and began the process of applying the cast to her arm. When the process was done, he stood. “You might want to wear dresses and skirts for the next few weeks, Meghan.  Jeans are going to be impossible to zip up one handed.”

Meghan looked at the doctor with a huge amount of gratefulness, and her eyes teared up a little. “I don’t think I’ll mind that.”

“Good. Eric here is going to help you back into your t-shirt, unless you’d like me to call a female nurse?”

“No, it’s okay.  Eric is nice.”

“Yeah, he’s a good kid.  If I could just speak to the adults in the hallway for a minute?”  He opened the door, gesturing outside, and Finn, Poe and Avery followed.

“So obviously I don’t know the full story here, but I can read between the lines. My nurses are all trained to ask for preferred names and pronouns, so I’m guessing that Eric didn’t make a major mistake back there and that Meghan just came out for the first time?”  They all nodded.  “I don’t have a handy-dandy “So Your Child is Transgender” pamphlet to hand you.  But, honestly, the internet will be extremely helpful.  I do know that you’re going to want to find Meghan a gender therapist.”

Poe narrowed his eyes. “That’s not where they try to convince her she’s crazy, or going through a phase, right?”

“No, they’re specially trained therapists who can help with the transition. A therapist can help Meghan deal with her gender dysphoria.”

Finn was already beginning to create a list of topics he was going to be researching as soon as he had a chance. Arming himself with information had worked with Amelia’s diabetes, after all.  

The adults turned as the door opened, and Eric emerged with Meghan, still in the wheelchair, white cast tucked in her lap.

Poe turned to Finn. “I’ll go get the car, you deal with the paperwork?”

“Oh sure, sounds great,” Finn replied sarcastically, before leaning in to give Poe a kiss on the cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you, too,” he murmured back.

After Finn paid the bill, he wheeled Meghan outside, where Poe helped her into the backseat and buckled her belt for her. She looked up at him and Finn, hero worship evident in her eyes. Finn’s breath caught in his chest, love and a fierce protectiveness blooming inside him.

Avery pulled her phone away from her ear. “You guys are cleared to take Meghan home. I’ll call later tonight, and we’ll set up a time for the paperwork?” She pulled Finn into a side hug. “I know it’s a lot more to take on all of a sudden, guys, but I think-”

Poe cut her off. “As long as Meghan’s okay with it, and as long as Amelia’s okay with it, she’s staying with us, permanently, Avery. Finn and I made that decision before this, and nothing’s changed.” Finn nodded.

“Well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.  I wish all of my adoptive parents were as easy to work with.” The social worker looked tired.

“You do an amazing job, Avery. You’re going to make sure someone’s ass is fried for today, right?”

Avery smiled. “Indeed.” She waved goodbye and hurried to her car.

Finn dropped off Poe at his truck, and they caravanned back to the house.  Sometime during the stop and go traffic, Meghan drifted off in the back seat, and was still asleep by the time they got back home. Finn lifted her carefully into his arms, trying not to jostle her cast. Poe grabbed the door, and Finn headed directly upstairs, to the bedroom next to Amelia’s that was only half set up. Luckily, the bed was made.

Meghan woke up as Finn laid her down. He brushed some of her hair out of her eyes. “It’s okay, honey, you can go back to sleep. You’re home, now.” Meghan nodded, closing her eyes again.

Finn and Poe stood in her doorway, watching her even breathing. “One of us should go get Amelia from the main house,” Poe whispered.

“I should do it, you should be here if she wakes up,” Finn suggested. Poe nodded.

The sun was down, now, and Finn pulled on a hat and scarf to make the cold trek to the main house.  He let himself in, and saw Amelia asleep on the couch like he’d figured she would be.  He left her there, and found his mother and Leia in the kitchen, sipping tea and reading books.

He sat at the kitchen table with them, murmuring his hellos, then leaned his head into his hands. He’d been texting them all day, keeping them apprised of the latest news, but he hadn’t yet told them about the Meghan development. He felt his mom rub his forearm. It wasn’t that he was worried about their reaction, it was just that he was still processing everything himself.

“Is everything alright with Sam?” Anne asked.

“Yeah, he’s- she’s in a cast for six weeks, but she’ll be fine.” At their confused looks, Finn told them the whole story. “I hope that… I hope that when she wakes up, when the morphine has worn off, she doesn’t regret telling us.”

“You’ll cross that bridge if you have to.  Useless to worry about it now,” Leia said. “The job now is to love her no matter how she feels in the morning.”

“Amelia’s going to love having an older sister,” Anne commented.

“You think so? Because that would be the other top worry on my list of things to worry about come morning.”

“I just know it in my heart, and I think you do too. You wouldn’t have clicked with this new person unless you knew in the back of your mind that everything was going to be okay.”

“You have a lot of faith in Poe and me,” Finn replied tiredly.

“It’s not faith if I’ve seen proof of it every day since moving to Oregon,” Anne replied. Leia nodded.

Finn sighed. “Well, I guess I should get Amelia back, get one step closer to that morning I’m worried about.”  Anne and Leia stood with him, both hugging him in turn. “Thank you again for taking care of Amelia, especially with Elisa getting so close to her due date.”

Anne waved that off. “You know I’m always happy to spend time with my granddaughter. And I look forward to meeting my second one.”

He tiptoed into the living room, bundling Amelia’s blankets around her body and over her head rather than bothering with a coat, and prepared for the second time that night to carry his sleeping daughter home.

\------------------------

It was still dark when Amelia woke him up. “Daddy,” she was whispering on repeat.

He rubbed his eyes and brought her into focus. “Yeah, sweet pea? Everything okay?”

“Daddy, there’s someone in the other room. I heard them in there. Who is it?”

Despite the early hour, Finn indulged in a proud-papa moment as he inspected the excitement on Amelia’s face instead of anxiety.  She’d come a long way in a year.  He felt Poe stir on the other side of him.  Finn raised the blanket up, inviting Amelia to climb in.  She settled in, wrapping her little arms as far as she could around Finn.  He kissed the crown of her head. “Remember how we talked a few days ago about how you might be getting a new brother?”

“Yeah, you said “if it was a good fit.” I still don’t really get what that means, Daddy,” Amelia said in a frustrated tone.

“Well, how about if, instead of a brother, you got a sister?”

Finn held his breath as Amelia went silent, pondering his statement carefully just like she always did.  Slowly, she nodded. “Like Elsa and Anna are sisters. Except hopefully she won’t get mad at me and freeze the whole farm.”

Finn let his breath out in a chuckle. “Yeah, I don’t think she’s going to do that.  But listen, remember how when you first met us, you were kind of scared and you weren’t sure if you wanted to stay with us?”

“Yeah.”

“She might be like that for a while too, okay?  So I’m going to go check on her, and I’m going to ask you a huge favor. Would you mind staying here with Daddy for a bit, so we don’t scare her?”

“I can do that, Daddy.”

“You’re so kind, sweet pea.  I love you.” He gathered her up in his arms and rolled her over to Poe, who smiled at him sleepily and took the bundle of Amelia into his own arms.

“Call if you need me,” Poe mouthed over Amelia’s head.

Finn shuffled to Meghan’s door, and, upon hearing rustling sounds in the room beyond, knocked lightly on the door. He heard a soft, “Come in,” and entered. Meghan was sitting up in bed, still looking quite tired, pain etched on her delicate features.

Finn rushed over, hesitation forgotten as he checked her forehead for a fever, then helped her elevate her arm above her heart. “I’ll go get you some ice packs, and a pain pill. Hopefully that will make things better, okay, Meghan?”

Finn was turning away already but he caught the surprised look on her face as he said her name. He rushed to the kitchen and back, handing her a glass of water and a pill. “I hope you can swallow pills, I should have asked yesterday, but you were pretty out of it.”

“I can,” she said, taking the pill and swallowing, grimacing at the size.

He fussed around her some more, tucking pillows and ice packs around her until she stopped his adjustments with her right hand on his arm. “Finn, everything is fuzzy, but I just need to know… I can be Meghan, here?”

“As long as you’re with us, Poe and I will make sure you can be Meghan anywhere.”

She closed her eyes, bursting into tears. Finn hesitated, wanting to sweep her up into his arms as was his habit with Amelia, but not wanting to cross her physical boundaries, either. He finally decided that the best way to keep moving forward was to be honest. “Meghan, I’d like to comfort you, but I don’t want to remind you of your past,” he said, and she looked up at him, tears still running down her cheeks.

“Finn, neither of you could ever remind me of my dad, or I wouldn’t have called you yesterday.” She held her right arm out, and Finn carefully wrapped her in a hug.

“About that, I hope you know you never have to run away again.  You have a spot here, if you want it.”

Meghan sniffled and laid back. “But I thought that we had to wait until you saw me and Amelia getting along.  What if Amelia hates me?”

Finn realized then exactly what kind of performance pressure they’d been putting Meghan under. “Oh God, honey, I’m sorry. I mean, I want what’s best for Amelia, because she’s my daughter, but I want what’s best for you too. I didn’t think that that would make it sound like we expected you to get along or else we’d abandon you.”

“So I can stay, even if Amelia hates me?”

Finn was about to answer when Amelia burst into the room, followed closely by an apologetic Poe. “I don’t hate anyone! How could I hate you-ohhhhhh,” Amelia cut herself off as she was stopped in her tracks by the sight of Meghan’s injury. She climbed up on Meghan’s bed and reached for Meghan’s right hand, stroking it. “Are you going to be okay?”

Meghan smiled tremulously.  “Yeah, I just broke my arm.” She shrugged with her good shoulder.

“Ohhhh,” Amelia said again. “Colin at school broke his arm falling off the swing set, but his cast had trucks on it, cuz we like to play trucks together at school. I think I should get him a truck for his birthday. Did you fall off the swing set, too?”

Meghan looked a little shell shocked at the flow of words, managing to shake her head with her mouth hanging slightly open.

Finn grinned at Meghan over Amelia’s head, then picked Amelia up. “Okay sweet pea, it’s time to let Meghan get some more rest, and it’s insulin time for you.” He set her on the ground by the bed, getting up himself.

Amelia danced around the room. “Daddy, do you think Meghan will play soccer with me?  Or feed the chickens? Or play princess-slays-the-dragon?  Or what about the floor is lava? Or…” Amelia’s voice faded as she danced out the door and down toward the bathroom.

“I’ll take care of that,” Finn said, pausing in front of Poe to brush a kiss across his lips. “I gave Meghan a pain pill about 10 minutes ago, but there might be something else she needs. Oh, and depending on how her arm feels, we probably need to go shopping today. Meghan needs a wardrobe.”

\----------------------------------

“Daddy, did you know I helped her pick?” Amelia danced around the dining table, placing spoons haphazardly by plates. Finn smiled. Anne kept trying to show Amelia how to properly set a table, but Amelia had her own way, as always.  

They had been able to go shopping that afternoon, when Meghan had been feeling up for it. While Meghan had been sleeping, Finn had explained her situation in terms he’d hoped Amelia would understand, and when they’d gone shopping, they’d gotten just some basic necessities, but  Amelia had pulled Meghan over to the skirts and dresses, insisting she could help her choose her first “girl” outfit.  Finn and Poe had watched from a distance, letting them get acquainted, and Finn squeezed Poe’s hand when he saw Meghan reach down and ruffle Amelia’s hair affectionately. Amelia’s enthusiasm was hard to resist. Considering Amelia’s style choices out of her own wardrobe, though, Finn was a little worried about what she’d ‘helped’ Meghan choose.

Poe walked in from the kitchen and placed the stir fry on the table. He clapped his hands together, grinning down at the haphazard table settings. “Are we ready?”

“Just need Meghan,” Finn replied, looking up the empty stairs.

“I’ll go get her!” Amelia raced out.

Poe wrapped his arms around Finn, leaning his head on his shoulder. “I know there’s a lot of work to do from here, I know that Meghan has a long road ahead of her, but everything feels so right.”

Finn rubbed his back. “I know, I feel the same thing.”

Poe leaned back, looking Finn in the eyes. “Prepare to call me a cheeseball, but I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to conquer anything after the last few days.” He sunk into Finn’s lips.

“They do that a lot,” Amelia whispered loudly to Meghan. Amelia hadn’t really gotten the concept of whispering intentionally yet.

Finn and Poe broke apart, Poe blushing, but Meghan was smiling at them. “It’s okay guys, I’ve seen kissing before, I’m not 10.”

_ Annnnd sarcastic Meghan is back.  _ Finn smiled.

“Neither am I and I’ve seen it too!” pointed out Amelia. Meghan snorted.

“So, do I look okay?” Meghan’s voice was filled with anxiety, and she tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear subconsciously.  She’d chosen a blue and white striped maxi skirt and plain blue blouse as a top, her shoulders hunched over in obvious teenage distress.

Poe smiled and answered, “I think you look courageous.”

“And strong,” Finn added.

“And pretty, too, daddies!” Amelia chimed in.

Meghan’s pale skin blushed, but Finn noticed that she stood a little straighter and smiled.

Amelia was already climbing into her chair. “Let’s eat, guys.”

And as they sat down for their first meal as a family, Finn locked eyes with Poe across the table, unable to express with words how full his heart felt.

\--------------------------

Meghan didn’t slide as easily into their lives as Amelia had. It wasn’t that Meghan wasn’t a natural fit for the family, because all four of them had realized that quickly.  It was just that Meghan’s issues were so layered and nuanced that it was all Finn and Poe could do to provide a stable environment for her as she worked through them.

Some parts resolved themselves easily, like Anne (and Leia, when she could take time off of farm work) taking over Meghan’s home schooling. Finn loved watching the formal Anne and the sarcastic Meghan interact; he couldn’t help but think that maybe it was just a little karmic payback for sending him away to boarding school and not having to deal with him as a teen.

They found a gender therapist in Salem that Meghan liked, who suggested a doctor who could prescribe pubertal blockers that would keep her from experiencing puberty as a boy.  Meghan was lucky in that she seemed to be a late bloomer already, but the blockers would allow her pause her hormones until she could start taking estrogen, if she wanted to. Anne had insisted that they use some of Findley’s estate to pay for the blocker injections when Finn’s insurance deemed them medically unnecessary.

And the blocker didn’t stop Meghan from waking up hysterical one morning, beating her right fist against her bed post until her knuckles were bleeding. Poe was finally able to calm her down, coax out of her what was wrong, and she admitted she’d had a wet dream in the night. She was mortified to her very soul that it had happened, that she’d “ruined” her sheets and blankets and nightgown, and she couldn’t stop repeating how much she hated herself, hated her body. Finn sat outside her room, not wanting to increase her embarrassment, and listened as Poe rocked her and told her that she was loved, that she was brave, that she was gorgeous. At some point, Amelia joined Finn on the floor, worried about her older sister but unsure of how she could help.  Finn felt just as helpless. She’d stayed in her room until the afternoon, coming out only for the emergency session with the therapist they’d scheduled. When they came home, she went back to her room, but she invited Amelia along to draw with her.

She also had a negative reaction to Snap, becoming very subdued and not meeting anyone’s eyes when Snap and Elisa visited with their new baby boy, Luis. She asked Finn quietly if she could be excused without eating hardly any of her dinner, then went to her room. This time, Finn joined her, asking if she wanted to talk.

Meghan sat on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest. “He reminds me of my dad,” she mumbled into her knees. “Snap.  My dad was big and strong like that, with a beard and everything. I’m sorry I ruined dinner.”

As always, Finn sought consent with a quick, “May I?” before beginning to rub her back. “You’re safe. You’re home. And your dad will never, ever be able to touch you again. You didn’t ruin the meal.  We can adjust.”

“But he’s Poe’s best friend.”

“Adjusting doesn’t mean cutting Snap out of our lives, because he’s a good man, I promise you, or Poe wouldn’t be his best friend. It means putting you in situations where you can handle it.”

“I hate that I’m like this,” Meghan said, talking to her knees again.

“You have every right to be like this. Did you know Amelia used to hide behind me when we met any new people?”

Meghan lifted her head and smirked. “I don’t believe you.”

“Honest to God. She used to go to therapy a lot more frequently, and she still gets overwhelmed by certain social situations. I’m so worried about her first year of school with Kindergarten next year. But I was going somewhere else with this. We came up with a signal Amelia could use, just with me and Poe, when she was uncomfortable and needed to leave the room. It’s totally guilt free, with no judgements from either of us, or anyone else here at the farm, if she uses it.  Because we want her to be comfortable, to be able to take breaks without feeling bad about needing to ask to do so. And I think something like that would work with you, but we have to make sure you don’t feel bad about using it. Because eventually I think you’ll end up like Amelia.  You’ll be able to see Snap and not think of your dad.  But it’s okay that you can’t do that right now.”

“You really think I can be fixed?”

“Honey, you’re not broken. Neither is Amelia. Sometimes, I worry about things so much that I give myself panic attacks.  I’m not broken either.  Sometimes, Poe stays up late and plays guitar because he can’t stand what he thinks he’ll see if he sleeps. And-”

“And Poe’s not broken,” Meghan murmured. “So I’m not broken.”

“No. But we all learned of ways to cope so those things don’t happen as often, and that’s what you’re doing right now.  Learning to cope. And just like learning to do anything, it takes time. Like the time you spend drawing, perfecting your art.”

Meghan took a deep breath in, blew it out. “Thank you, Finn.”

“Amelia’s signal is “I need to take a walk.”  Or, she asks if one of us will come with her.  Do you think that would work for you?”

She considered it. “I think I could give it a try.”

And so it was in tiny increments that Meghan’s issues began to mesh together with the rest of the family’s. She learned to help Amelia with her insulin, amazing Poe and Finn with how much she could get accomplished with just one hand.  She became fast friends with Rigo, Mary’s nephew, and they would sit together at the soccer games, joking and drawing.  And in March, when she turned 14, she celebrated her first birthday as her true self. Finn and Poe surprised her with the documentation for an official name and gender change, ready to be delivered if she wished it. When Meghan became officially theirs in July, Poe and Finn wanted her to be able to see the name she wanted on the new birth certificate. She placed the stamps on the envelope with care as everyone watched, several hands around the room wiping at tears. The whole group marched with her to the mailbox, and they cheered when she put it in and pulled up the flag.


	29. Sharing - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spend a March Saturday afternoon with the Smith-Dameron family.

“Okay, so there are two bottles in the fridge, so if he’s crying, try changing his diaper, feeding him, or rocking him to sleep. He likes to be held close to your chest, and-”

“Elisa,” Finn said, a kind exasperation riding in his voice. “It’s going to be fine.  You’re only going to be gone for a couple of hours. And you’ll be at most thirty minutes away.  And you told me all of this five minutes ago.”

Elisa smiled. “I did, didn’t I?” She looked down at the month old Luis, who was quietly looking back up at her, and leaned over to kiss him on the forehead. Reluctantly, she passed him to Finn, saying, “If you get into a ton of trouble, you can text Snap. At least he’s only five minutes away.”

Finn accepted Luis into his arms, smiling down at the scrunched up face and brown curls. “We’ll be fine, won’t we, Luis?  We’re going to have a grand old time with Amelia. Stop fussing.” He looked up again, clearing his throat and lowering his voice. “Are you sure you guys don’t want any extra spending money?”

“Finn, she’s an eighth grader, Mary and I aren’t taking her to buy makeup at Macy’s.  We’re keeping it simple.  Plus, it was our birthday present to her.”

“And you know her trigger signal, right?”

“Yes, and she’s going to be fine. We’re going to have a grand old time. Stop fussing.” Elisa smiled at him and arched a brow as she repeated his own words back.  Finn stuck out his tongue at her, and she laughed. “Juvenile, Smith.”

Finn was distracted from responding by Amelia tugging on his pant leg. “Daddy, do I get to go?”

Finn put on an overbright demeanor because he knew he was going to disappoint her. “No, sweet pea, but you get to stay here with me and help me take care of Luis! Won’t that be fun?”

Amelia’s face fell, but she nodded, then quietly walked back to the coffee table and half-heartedly continued coloring.

Elisa winced. “Sorry,” she mouthed.

“We’ll be fine,” Finn repeated, hoping that was the case.

They both turned at the sound of Meghan and Mary coming down the stairs. Meghan was still trying to find her style, and Mary had agreed to help her out with her outfit. She came down in a pair of skinny jeans with strappy flat sandals and a sweater set.  Finn resisted the urge to ask her if her feet were going to get cold. At least it wasn't raining. He would never truly understand the sacrifices females made for fashion. “Very nice, very nice,” he said instead, smiling.

“You don’t think the jeans make me look too boyish? I missed them when I had my cast, but now I'm worried. Do I look like a boy playing dress up?” Meghan patted her hair, which she was growing out, in a nervous gesture.

“I think you look gorgeous.”

“You’re biased,” Meghan replied, but she smiled. She grabbed her purse from the hallway hook.

“As your parent, I have every right to be biased. Have fun, you guys!” Finn called, then looked down at Luis, smiling.  

He barely registered the sound of feet moving swiftly closer to him before Meghan was standing on her tippy-toes to brush a kiss on Finn’s cheek. “Bye, Finn.” She smirked at his thunderstruck expression, then hurried out the front door.

_ Okay, one daughter happy, radiant, incandescent even,  _ Finn thought to himself.  _ Time to get the other one back on track.  _ He walked with Luis to the living room, sitting on the couch.  Amelia was still coloring half-heartedly.  “Amelia, what do you think we should do to entertain Luis?”

She looked up, and Finn was surprised to see tears glimmering in her eyes. She shrugged, which Finn knew she’d learned from Meghan.  _ Ah, the unintended consequences of introducing a teenager to the house _ .

“Do you want to help me hold him? You’d have to be really still and gentle, but I think you could do it.”  _ That  _ piqued Amelia’s interest, and she walked over to the couch. Finn patted the spot beside him, and she climbed up. “Scoot all the way back, sweet pea.  There you go.  Now I’m going to lay him down, and you get to hold him on your lap very carefully, okay?” Finn set Luis down, placing a pillow to support his head and neck.

Amelia smiled up at him, not as brightly as she might normally, but better than before. “Doesn’t he get bored lying around all day?  When will he be able to run around and play?”

Finn smiled back, saying, “You know, I don’t actually know.  I’ve never known a baby before.  A year? Maybe?”

Amelia’s eyes widened. “A whole year? That means I’ll be able to ride horses before he can even learn to walk!”

“Can you count how many months we have until you get to learn to ride?  It’s March and you get to learn in June.”  Amelia’s daycare had been working on the months recently.

“I can’t, Daddy, cuz I can’t move my hands. Oh, you could hold up your fingers for me!”

“Okay,” Finn agreed, holding up a fist. “Tell me when to raise a finger.”

“So… April is next. That’s one. Then May, that’s two. Then June, that’s three.” Amelia gasped. “Three months?  But it was just four months!”

Finn smiled at her. “Yeah, time goes by too quickly, it seems like.”

“But I think the next three months are going to go by soooo slooooow, Daddy.”

“Hmmm. Maybe Meghan could help you draw a calendar and you could cross the days off.”

At the mention of her sister, Amelia got quiet again. “Can you take Luis, Daddy?”

“Sure,” he said as he slid Luis back into his arms. Amelia was tracing the flower patches on her jeans. “What’s wrong, sweet pea?  Are you getting along with Meghan?”

“Well yeah, of  _ course _ , Daddy.” She looked exasperated with him, and Finn had to hold in a smile. “Meghan is nice to me all of the time and Colin at school said that  _ his  _ older sister is mean sometimes but Meghan never is even though sometimes she wants to be alone just like me.”

“Good, I'm glad you get along, and that you understand she's not rejecting you.”

Amelia sighed, continuing to pick at the patches. “Yeah, but now Meghan gets to go with Elisa and Mary instead of me. Do you think they love her better, Daddy?”

Finn’s eyes widened as they reached the root of the problem: Amelia was jealous of Meghan. “What? No. Elisa and Mary love you and Meghan just the same. But sometimes, Meghan will get to do special things with them, and sometimes you’ll get to do special things with them, and sometimes, you’ll get to go do stuff all together.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.  What happens if you want to play with a toy at school and someone else wants to play with it too?”

Amelia smiled. “We have to share it!” Amelia had had an altercation with a boy -not the oft-mentioned Colin, who Finn thought Amelia might be forming a little crush on, or becoming best friends with, but either way it was too adorable- just last week about this very subject, which she had told Finn, Poe and Meghan all about at length over dinner.

Finn continued, rocking Luis as he started to fuss. “So, when you can’t go with Elisa and Mary, you have to think of it like you’re sharing them with your sister.”

Amelia contemplated this. “So I get a turn when Meghan’s done?”

“Yeah. Just like you share your daddies with Meghan, right? And the thing about sharing people, is that you only have to share time. Their love for you doesn't change at all.”

Amelia was looking happier. Finn thought of a final carrot to offer. “What if we go have tea at Elisa’s sometime, just us?”

Her eyes lit up. “Yes, let’s do that!” She clapped, which Luis punctuated with a loud yowl. Amelia gasped. “Do you think he’s hungry, Daddy?”

Finn stood, wincing at the sounds Luis was capable of making. “Let’s see, sweet pea.”

\----------------

Two hours later, Amelia was spending some quiet time in her room, Luis was finally sleeping in his carrier up in the master bedroom, monitor on the coffee table, and Finn was video chatting with Rey, trying to get some of his sanity back.

“I am so glad we decided to adopt older kids, Rey.  You don’t even know.”

Rey laughed at him kindly. “Oh, trooper, you would’ve done it.  You’d have taken one look at the poor kid’s face and bundled him or her away with you, you big softie.”

Finn smiled. “I can’t argue with you. I am completely fine with being a big softie these days.”  He sighed. “I miss your face, princess.  How’s New Mexico?” With Amelia, and taking over Greg’s job, and now Meghan, Finn hadn’t been able to see Rey since his father’s passing.

“Well, actually, about that… you know, you started a trend.  You moved to Oregon, now we all have to.”

“Wait, what? You’re moving to Oregon?  What?”

Rey’s smiled. “Well, technically, no, I’m moving to Washington.  I requested a transfer to Lewis-McChord Joint Base, and it just got approved last week. So I’ll only be like two and a half hours away from you!”

Finn was still shocked. “But...Jess?”

Her smile grew wider. “She’s coming too!  We didn’t want to tell you anything until it was all finalized, but she’s going to be with a firm in Tacoma, we found a place to live off base, everything just fell together.  Honestly, we wanted to get away from the heat. And being near you is like icing.”

“Oh man, Rey, that’s so awesome!  I mean, that’s still a bit of mileage, but at least you’re within driving distance now! I’ve missed you so much. First leave you get, you two should come stay here with us. Or, I’d love to take the girls to Seattle.  Either way-” He cut himself off, unable to stop grinning.

“Either way, I get to be in your life again,” Rey said without heat.

“Princess, you’ll always be a part of my life, even if this,” he waved a hand to indicate the video chat, “is all we get.”

Rey’s eyes looked a little watery. “Dork.”

“I believe you mean, ‘big softie.’ And guilty as charged. When are you coming?”

“Every night, if I’m involved,” Jess piped up in the background, and Finn laughed. “Oh shit, no kids around, right?” Finn saw Rey punch something off-screen and assumed it was Jess.

“We’re  _ moving  _ in April. You better watch yourself, Jess. Finn’s never going to let Meghan chat with you again if you keep that up,” Rey chastised her wife. Jess and Meghan had formed a quick bond over their shared acerbic wit - Meghan aspired to quip as well as Jess could. As far as female role models for Meghan went, Finn really couldn’t complain. She was being exposed to the broad spectrum of wonderful women in his life.

He heard boots and voices from the kitchen, and looked up to see Poe and Snap enter, looking exhausted but happy. Poe smiled at Finn and crossed to the couch, sitting beside him and giving a cursory wave to Rey before capturing his husband’s lips in a sweet kiss.  Rey groaned. “We did it, we got through our entire winter repairs list,” he said when he came up for air.

Snap was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, looking around, and Finn rushed to tell him, “Luis is sleeping in his carrier in our room.” He indicated the baby monitor on the coffee table. “He's been down for about twenty minutes.”

“I'll just go check on him. Thanks for looking after him, Finn. Do we know when everyone's coming home?”

Finn knew Snap was asking because of Meghan. Poe had told his best friend about Snap reminding her of her father, and since, Snap was always the first one to make sure he wasn't making Meghan uncomfortable, whatever that meant. And, she'd made some progress, just like Finn had predicted, able to handle Snap’s presence as long as it was a larger group setting and she knew he was going to be there beforehand.

“I haven't heard anything. Go see your son, Snap.” Finn smiled at him, and he walked up the stairs. Finn turned back to his phone screen. “Sorry, Rey. Busy day here.” As if emphasizing his point, he heard the clatter of Amelia's feet running down the stairs.

“Daddy, you're back!” Poe held out his arms and she climbed into his lap, giving him a kiss on the cheek before settling in. “Hi Auntie Rey!”

“Hey, my little firecracker. Did you like the coloring book I sent you?”

“I love it, it's Harry Potter!”

“What do you say, sweet pea?” Finn reminded Amelia.

“Thank you, Auntie!” Amelia smiled in a big toothy grin for her.

Rey grinned just as widely back. “You're welcome, Amelia.”

Finn cleared his throat and looked at Poe and Amelia. “Rey, you should share your news with these two,” he prompted.

A short time later, Poe was still cuddled up on the couch with Finn, because they had gotten really good at taking the time together whenever they could manage it, both watching Amelia color, seeing who could more sneakily kiss the other, when the ladies came home. Amelia's eyes lit up and she rushed for the door, hugging Meghan, Elisa, and Mary in turn as they came inside.

Meghan had several little shopping bags (Finn noticed with a smile that neither Elisa nor Mary were empty handed, either), and she crouched in front of Amelia. “Hey, girlie, you want to help me put some of my new stuff away in my room?”

A look of barely contained excitement played on Amelia's face as she nodded, and Finn thought that he'd never get tired of seeing something so pure.

“Uh, Meghan-” Poe started, but was interrupted by Luis’ loud wail coming through the speakers. Elisa went on alert, but before she could even ask where Luis was, Snap’s voice, soothing and full of love, came through the monitors too. Poe glanced at Meghan. “Sorry, I was going to warn you.”

Meghan paused for a second, obviously taking a controlled breath in and out, but then smiled and shrugged, seemingly genuine. “It's okay.”  Everyone in the room looked at her, then away, trying simultaneously as a group to not make her feel awkward but only succeeding in doing so. “  _ It is,  _ ” she emphasized, then took Amelia's hand. “Come on, Amelia, let's go to my room.”

Elisa grabbed the monitor off the coffee table. “I'm going to check on my boys, I'm sure Luis is hungry,” she said as she headed upstairs.

Mary sat down on one of the chairs, sighing the happy sigh of a satisfied shopper. Then, she sobered, looking at Finn and Poe. “Listen, while we were out, we noticed Meghan was feeling really self-conscious today, so we got her to open up over frozen yogurt.”

Finn held Poe’s hand and squeezed. “Yeah?” He prompted.

“This is awkward to talk about, but I promised Meghan I'd tell you.” Finn and Poe waited expectantly, exchanging worried looks. “She really feels self conscious about her lack of…” and Mary indicated her chest, “....ta-tas.”

Poe laughed. “Really, Mary? Ta-tas?”

Mary glared at him. “We bought her a training bra, something she could add a little volume to, so she could start to feel more physically like the other girls her age. She's so skinny, it won't take much stuffing to make her look like she's got a little chest,” she rushed to reassure them. “I know she's only in 8th grade, but that's about when my girls showed up,” indicating her chest again.

“Did she think we'd be upset or wouldn't allow her to?” Finn chewed his lip and Poe squeezed his hand. He wanted Meghan to know that whatever she needed to feel like herself was something Finn and Poe supported.

Mary smiled. “No, she asked us to say something because this is not a subject teenage girls talk about with their dads, believe me.” She let that sink in, then hit them with a big grin. “That's how she referred to you, you know. ‘My dads.’ Damn near brought a tear to my eye over the froyo.”

Poe looked as if it was going to bring a tear or five to his eyes, and Finn leaned into him in comfort. “Thank you, Mary, for everything,” Poe murmured.

She smiled, waved it off. “Don't worry about it, el oso.”

Snap and Elisa descended the stairs, Snap towing Luis in his carrier and Elisa rebuttoning her shirt.  She gave him a quick kiss. “I'll be home soon,” she said as he left.

Mary and Amelia came down next, Meghan’s hands full of various bottles and tubes which she set down on the dining table. “Okay, I'm ready to learn it all, guys. Show me, masters.”

“Daddies, can I learn too?”

Finn hummed, considering, and exchanged a glance with Poe. Poe nodded, and crouched in front of Amelia. “Makeup is really for older girls, nugget. But if you just wanted to do it today for dress up, that would be okay. Just remember that it's all Meghan’s stuff, so you want to be extra careful, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy.”

The ladies all sat around the table, and now Finn felt awkward. He eyed Poe again, then called out to the group, “Poe and I are going to go for a walk, if you guys don't mind? We can't wait to see how you guys look when we get back,” he added.

Amelia whispered loudly to Mary, “Do you think they're going to go kiss?”

Finn felt himself blush, as Poe laughed and grabbed his hand, pulling him out the door.  “Man, Poe,” he started when they'd escaped. “Thank God for Mary and Elisa, or we'd be totally lost on all that girly stuff.”

“Amen,” Poe replied, then turned to face Finn, eyebrow raising and biting his lip, “Want to go to our spot and 'kiss?'”

“Well, I would hate to shatter anyone’s expectations of us.” Finn grinned, and they began to walk rapidly to their bench.


	30. Choices - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amelia's learning how to ride horses, and Meghan's got an interview at a local art school.

Finn was woken up by two things: the pounding of running footsteps up and down the hall, and a pissed-off Buli jumping directly onto his chest, causing him to groan. He sat straight up in bed, confused, and looked out into the hallway, where he saw a flash of Amelia as she ran by. “Amelia!” Finn may have shouted, his faculties weren’t quite with him yet to figure out voice modulation.  Beside him, Poe grumbled.

The pounding stopped. Amelia stood in the doorway. “Yes, Daddy?”

“What the heck are you doing?”

“It’s horse riding day!”

Finn finally looked over at the red numbers on the alarm clock. “It’s five in the morning, Amelia. Go back to bed.”

“But it’s kind of sort of starting to get sunny!”

Meghan appeared in the doorway behind Amelia, rubbing her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s horse riding day!” Amelia cried again, taking Meghan’s hands and bouncing up and down.

“It’s Saturday, Amelia,” her older sister complained, though she couldn’t help but smile at Amelia’s exuberance. “Saturdays are for sleeping in.”

“Or,” Finn broke in, “staying quietly in your room until other people are ready to wake up.”

“But I did do that, Daddy. I woke up  _ ages  _ ago and I read and colored and played with my stuffies…”

“Amelia Mae,” Poe grumbled, his face still half buried in pillow, “You can’t learn to ride without me, and  _ I’m  _ not getting out of bed yet.  So either go back to sleep or find something quiet to do in your room. Please.” He softened the words with a smile at her. “Just give me a little longer, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy,” she said, smiling and turning around. Meghan gave them a short wave and headed back down the hall as well.

Finn fell back onto his pillow with a sigh. Poe’s arm crept around him, and he laid his head on Finn’s chest, sighing as well. Suddenly, Finn couldn’t help himself, and he burst out with a little giggle. Poe made a short inquiring noise, which vibrated against his chest. “I was just thinking that this is really all our fault, I mean, we did choose this.” Finn laughed again.

Poe’s hand, which had been resting on Finn's stomach, reached up to tweak one of his nipples instead. “Shut up, Finn.”

“Okay, okay.” He placed a kiss on Poe’s curls, hugged him tighter, and closed his eyes again.

At a much more decent hour, Finn was woken up again by Poe nuzzling his neck. “Well, good morning,” Finn sighed.

“How long do you think we have until Amelia uses her sixth sense to figure out I’m awake?” Poe said, pressing a kiss on Finn’s pulse point.

“Not long enough to do anything exciting, especially with the door open,” Finn pointed out regretfully.

Poe groaned, leaning back on an elbow to gaze down at Finn. He grinned. “God, I can’t resist you in the morning. You look so warm, so sexy, so mine.” He leaned in, captured Finn’s mouth and then they both heard the sound of feet in the hallway.

“Are you up, Daddy?”

Poe lifted his head and smiled ruefully down at Finn.  Finn mouthed, “Later,” and Poe turned away, getting up.  “Yeah, nugget, I’m up.  Who wants to learn how to ride a horse?”

“Me! Me! Me!” Finn heard their voices trail off to the girls’ bathroom and smiled. He swung his legs out of bed and got up, the warm feeling of Poe’s praise staying in his chest as he headed for the master bathroom.

They managed to get Amelia to sit down and eat breakfast, pointing out that she wouldn't get very far without protein. As she finished, Finn went and got something he'd had hidden at the top of the coat closet for months. He held it behind his back, returning to the dining table and saying, “Amelia, I've got a surprise for you before Daddy takes you out.”

Amelia's eyes lit up and she bounced in her chair. “I get to go horseback riding  _ and  _ I get a surprise? I have the best daddies in the world!”

“No argument here.” Meghan's voice came from behind Finn. “And it’s an awesome surprise, give it to her already so we can take pictures.”

Finn pulled out his surprise with some flair. Amelia's eyes widened when she saw the replica of Poe's cowboy hat, just her size. For the first time all morning, she was rendered speechless. Finn placed it on her head, and Poe came out of the kitchen, his identical hat perched on his head, and Finn and Meghan burst out in laughter at the combined look of shock and pride on Poe's face. Finn held out a hand and Meghan slapped it, saying, “Nice one.”

“Thanks for the idea, Megs.”

Poe smiled widely at them. “You two are dangerous together.” He swept Finn into a quick but thorough kiss, then grinned when Meghan tilted her cheek out and tapped it expectantly, and brushed his lips there too.

Amelia was finally getting over her shock. She ran to Poe and cried, “Me too, Daddy, me too!”

Poe laughed, picking her up and placing a kiss on her cheek as well, looking up when he heard the clicking sound of the camera app. Finn grinned back at him, his phone still raised. “That's one for the wall,” Poe said.

“Oh yeah,” Finn agreed, grinning.

“Okay nugget, are you ready?” He set Amelia down.

“I've been ready  _ forever  _ Daddy.” She held up her hand and Poe took it.

“I'll clean up and meet you guys out there,” Finn said.

Meghan helped Finn gather the breakfast dishes, and he noticed for the first time that she was in her running gear. “Headed out for a run?”

Regular exercise had been a tool suggested by her therapist as a way to help control anxiety. At first, Meghan had been reluctant, but when spring hit and she could run outdoors, she soon made it a habit. “Yeah, I'm nervous about tonight.”

Finn nodded, knowing she had to work it out herself. They were headed to the Open House of a local alternative high school with an art program. It would be ideal for Meghan, but she had to present a portfolio to be considered for acceptance, hence, the nerves. “Just be careful if you go on the roads, honey,” Finn said absently, used to giving this reminder.

“Yes,  _ Dad _ ,” Meghan said in the voice of the long-suffering teen, then caught herself and looked up at Finn with wide eyes. It was the first time she'd said it to his face.

Finn knew his mouth was agape, but he couldn't help himself. He felt his eyes water. “Uh, well, uh…” He struggled to think of something to say, wanting to hug her but arms hanging uselessly at his sides.

Meghan opened her arms, and Finn grabbed her in one of his big bear hugs, lifting her off the ground a bit. “I love you so much, Meghan.” He set her down, could see in her eyes that she was struggling with how to respond. “Will you join us after your run? Might take your mind off of this evening.”

She looked relieved that Finn didn't expect her to repeat the big words back at him. “Yeah, I'll come out.” She gave him a last quick hug and headed for the mudroom, sliding in earbuds. Finn took a shaky breath, then finished cleaning up from breakfast.

By the time Finn was spreading a blanket by the horse pasture, Poe had Amelia up on C3PO, one of the older and smaller horses on the farm, known for his patience and politeness with new riders. BB8 was nice, but a little too enthusiastic for amateurs. Poe had spent about 30 seconds trying to convince Finn to ride Threepio back in the first summer of their relationship before realizing that it was more than likely never going to happen.  Amelia’s cowboy hat had been set on one of the fence posts in favor of a riding helmet. Poe was still talking to Amelia about the equipment, showing her how he adjusted the stirrup height for her legs, helping her test the right pressure on the reins. It amused Finn that Amelia had the most intense look on her face, taking in every single word Poe said patiently, when she couldn’t sit still or quiet for twenty minutes at the dinner table.

Finn leaned back on the blanket, enjoying the cloudless blue June sky and that perfect green smell in the air. He’d brought a book with him, but just decided to close his eyes, listening to the sound of Poe’s low voice responding to Amelia’s questions, and bees buzzing somewhere nearby, and the wind blowing the leaves of an oak tree. He must have drifted off, because he snapped awake at Amelia’s excited, “Daddy, look!”

Finn sat up again, seeing that Poe had tethered Threepio’s lead to a post in the middle of the pasture, and Amelia was leading him around without Poe’s help, smile threatening to break her face. He clapped. “Nice work, sweet pea!” he called, and heard Meghan cheer Amelia from behind him. He turned in time to see Meghan sit down on the blanket and stretch out in the sun, catching her breath back after her run.  Finn fished around in the bag he’d brought out, and tossed the bottle of sunscreen at Meghan.

She groaned. “You’d think you of all people would understand that I want to get a little color.” She held out her arms and wrinkled her nose at them. “I’m practically translucent.”

Finn simply raised an eyebrow. “Cancer is no joke,” his voice harder than he meant it to be, and Meghan nodded, quietly picking up the bottle and beginning to apply the sunscreen.  He winced. “I’m sorry, it’s just-”

“It’s okay, your dad, I get it.”

They lapsed into quiet, Finn still feeling guilty. He chewed his lip as Meghan put her earbuds back in and lay out again. Finn looked away from her, trying to concentrate on Poe and Amelia and not berate himself in his head for raising his voice  _ at the girl who was fucking physically abused by her father just for trying to be herself, goddammit, Finn- _

“Dad,” Meghan said, placing a hand on his shoulder, breaking his panic cycle before it could really start. When he turned he saw that she’d sat up and removed the earbuds. “I can practically hear your guilt from over here. Stop it. I’m not going to fucking break just because you raise your voice when you’re trying to protect me.” Finn raised an eyebrow at her language, but remained silent. “You’re allowed to treat me like a teenager when I’m being a teenager.  You don’t- I know you’d never hit me, never put me down just because you could, you’re not him, you’re not  _ Sam,  _ and I need you to stop worrying that I think you are. I know I’ve still got issues, but you said it yourself - I’m not broken, and you won’t break me by doing what dads are supposed to do.”

Finn ran a hand over his hair, then turned back to her, looking into her eyes. “I guess I have been harboring that fear. Sometimes I’m so afraid, so  _ freaking  _ afraid,” emphasizing what he would prefer she’d say, “that I’m going to trigger you. And here you are, having me all figured out.”

She looked sheepish. “Well, actually, I brought it up at my last therapy appointment and she helped me figure out how to say it.”

He lifted a hand to the one she still had on his shoulder and squeezed. “Good, you had me worried we needed to be sending you to Harvard or something instead of high school there for a second.”

She giggled, then pulled out the sketchbook - a proper one - that Finn and Poe had bought her for her birthday. “You mind if I draw you? The sunlight on your skin is kind of fascinating me right now.”

Finn laughed. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say something like that about my skin. But go ahead.  What do I need to do?”

“Just sit there, like you are right now. Watch Poe and Amelia.”

\------------------------

“And this is the new ceramics studio, we just upgraded this whole area last year, so we can offer more to students.”

Poe, Finn, and Meghan glanced around, Poe and Finn out of their element but Meghan looking incredibly fascinated. “I’ve never really done anything 3D before,” she told their guide.

“One of our goals in the Raven Point art program is to expose young artists to all sorts of media before they get too settled on one thing.”

Meghan nodded eagerly. “Yeah, I would love to try, I just haven’t had the chance.” She hugged her portfolio tightly to her chest.

“As you can see, we’re a small school; we closed our registration at little over two hundred kids last year.”

“How many kids did you have to turn away?” Poe asked, eyebrows furrowed.

“We do our best to try and accept all applicants, but yes, sometimes students do get turned away,” the guide said, not really answering the question. “Now, when’s your appointment with the art program committee?”

“Seven, which means we should probably head there, if you could show us?” Finn replied.

“Of course, right this way.”

The “art program committee” turned out to be the principal of the school and the head of the art department, which helped ease a little bit of everyone’s anxiety. The principal, a tall African-American woman with her hair pulled tight back in a bun, stood to shake their hands.  “Hello, I’m Ms. Johnson. And this is Mrs. Green, the coordinator of our art program.” She indicated the other woman, shorter and older than she was, with curly gray hair flying in many directions and a kind smile on her face. “Please, take a seat.”  They sat, Meghan flanked by Finn and Poe. The principal perused Meghan’s file quickly, as if reminding herself of the contents. She glanced up. “Meghan, Mr. Dameron, Mr. Smith, I know that you came to us because of Meghan’s interest in art, but you are aware that we are also a college prepatory school, correct?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Meghan answered before Finn or Poe could.

“Sometimes alternative schools get the unfortunate reputation for being the place to send kids who are flunking out of the regular schools, but Raven Point takes pride in sending over 80% of its students on to college with multiple college credits already under their belts.” She glanced down at the file again. “Your grades in middle school, Meghan, would not really indicate that you’re ready to work at that level.”

Meghan looked down at the portfolio she clutched in her lap, dejected. Finn narrowed his eyes at Ms. Johnson. “I know you’ll find a letter from Avery McDonald, explaining the circumstances around Meghan’s low grades and homeschooling, Ms. Johnson.”

Ms. Johnson flipped through the file, pausing to read something. “Hmm, yes.”

“And Meghan passed all of the grade level homeschooling tests, the scores of which I believe are also in there,” Poe pointed out.

“Yes, I see,” Ms. Johnson conceded. “This letter from Ms. McDonald is particularly glowing, Meghan.  Do you think you can do the work here?”

Meghan nodded. “Yes, Ms. Johnson, I really do.  I know I had some trouble in the past, but that was a different time, and a different me.” Her voice got a little smaller. “And I like it here, I like the size. Going to one of the big schools worries me, given, you know…”

Mrs. Green piped up for the first time. “Ms. Johnson likes to be protective of our academic reputation, but we do also have a reputation for inclusiveness.  You wouldn’t be our first transgender student, Meghan.” She quelled Ms. Johnson with a look. “Now, I think you really came here tonight to show me your portfolio.” She held out a hand, and Meghan reluctantly placed the folder in it.  She flipped through, humming to herself, showing Ms. Johnson some of the pieces, until she came to the end and Meghan was holding her breath. “You certainly have talent, Meghan, and patience. The first is useless without the second.”

Meghan let her breath go. “Thank you, Mrs. Green.”

Ms. Johnson pursed her lips. “I’d like to let you in, Meghan, on a probationary basis.”

“What does that mean?” Finn asked, protectiveness creeping into his voice.

She turned to him, meeting his eyes. “We would all sign a contract that Meghan would maintain a certain level of grades in all of her classes in her first semester in order to continue. This type of contract actually exists with all of the students, but it’s normally reviewed on a yearly basis.”

Poe and Finn looked at Meghan to see what she was feeling, and she smiled at them, telling them without words that she was doing just fine. “I think that sounds fair.  If I do well in the first semester, do I get to go on a normal contract?”

“That decision would be finalized at the review meeting, but normally that’s what happens, yes,” Ms. Johnson replied.

The indication that Meghan was not the first person they had done this with helped ease the tension in Finn’s mind. Everyone stood, and Mrs. Green handed Meghan back her portfolio. “I look forward to seeing what you can do in class, Meghan,” she said, smiling.

“I want to learn everything I can,” Meghan said sincerely.

On the drive back to the farm, Meghan couldn’t stop talking about the school’s campus and facilities, and what she wanted to do.  They’d given her registration paperwork and she kept calling out classes from the course catalog that she wanted to take. Finn glanced at Poe and grinned, clasping his hand across the front seat and kissing the knuckles.  At home, they walked to the main house to pick up Amelia from Leia and Anne.  They were all in the kitchen doing dishes, and Amelia ran to hug everyone as soon as she saw them.

Anne put down her drying towel and Leia turned off the water. “So?” Anne said expectantly.

“They're letting me in!” Meghan burst out, running into Anne’s and Leia’s arms.  

When she was released, Leia walked over to the freezer and pulled out a tub of Oreo ice cream. “Well, Amelia’s first day on a horse and Meghan’s going to her dream school, I’d say this is a cause for celebration.”

Minutes later, as everyone was happily digging into their ice cream around the kitchen table, Poe sat back, looking extremely satisfied. Finn leaned over to whisper, “What’s up?”

Poe looked him in the eye. “I’m happy with our choices.”  He sat up, brushing a kiss across Finn’s lips, then resting his forehead on Finn’s.

“Me too, love, me too.”


	31. The School Day Blues - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amelia has trouble fitting in at kindergarten, and Poe is just having trouble, which Finn can't figure out.
> 
> Tag: Angst and Comfort

Finn yawned as he walked into the bathroom, smiling in greeting at his husband who was staring contemplatively at his razor. “Aw, thinking about shaving?” Finn asked, gathering his own shaving supplies as he made a noise of disappointment.  Finn couldn’t help finding Poe’s experimental beard extremely attractive.

Poe squinted at himself in the mirror, angling his head from side to side and rubbing his jaw. “I just don’t like how gray it is. I’m going to look like Amelia’s grandpa among all the other parents when we take Amelia to her first day of kindergarten this morning,” he grumbled.

Finn finished a long swipe of his razor down his cheek, then turned to Poe. “Babe, you’re 37, that’s a perfectly normal age to have a kid in kindergarten.  Think about being in my shoes - if Meghan was my birth child that means I would have been a father at 13. I barely feel qualified.”

“Mmm.” Poe still held the razor in his hand, hesitant.

Finn finished shaving, wiping down his face. “Am I going to have to go through my celebrity fuck list again?” Poe rolled his eyes. “George Clooney. Joe Manganiello. Denzel Washington. Anderson Cooper.” With each name, he took a step closer to Poe, until he was behind him, locking eyes with his husband in the mirror. “I have a type, babe, and it definitely includes gray hair.” Poe cracked a hesitant smile back at him. “So if you want to shave because it’s uncomfortable or hot or itchy, Poe, do it. But if you’re feeling insecure about your age, please know that it’s only a turn on for your husband.”

“Daddies!” Amelia’s voice called before Poe could respond, and she ran into their bathroom.  “I ate breakfast but will you come help me pick out my outfit for real school?”

“I’ll come, sweet pea,” Finn replied, vaguely worried that he hadn’t finished the conversation with Poe, but he saw Poe set the razor down as he walked away with Amelia. “I swear you’ve grown an inch in the last month, Amelia,” Finn murmured when they got to her bedroom.

“Ooooo, let’s check, Daddy!”  Amelia stood against her height chart. “What am I as tall as?” The chart, which compared her height to animals, had been Amelia’s favorite birthday present.

“Look at that,” Finn said, letting Amelia’s enthusiasm cheer him after the somewhat worrying conversation with Poe. He held his finger on the mark so Amelia could turn around and look. “40 inches!  You’re as tall as a bald eagle! And I was right, you did grow an inch this summer. Daddy’s big girl!”

“Big enough to go to real school!” Amelia could barely contain her excitement for “real school” as she called it.  Finn, on the other hand, was apprehensive.  He was happy that Amelia didn’t fear the unknown, but there would be twice as many kids in her class as had been in day care, not to mention all of the big kids, and what if the teacher or nurse didn’t monitor Amelia for hypoglycemia symptoms well enough?  He forced himself to take a meditative breath before his anxiety could cycle out of control; it seemed he had lots of worries piling up this morning.

“Ready, Daddy?” Amelia asked, and Finn realized that while he’d been frowning into space, Amelia had gotten herself all dressed.

He summoned up enthusiasm.  “Let’s go!” They made their way downstairs, where Meghan was still eating breakfast with the leisure of a teen on their last day of summer break.

“Meghan, are you going with us?” Amelia asked, pulling herself up on to the dining bench by her sister and giving her puppy dog eyes.

Meghan smirked. “I guess if you want me to, squirt.”

“I want you to,” Amelia said sincerely, and Finn thought that maybe she  _ was  _ harboring some anxiety about the day.

“Then I guess I should go get dressed, huh?” Meghan stood, taking her cereal bowl to the kitchen.

Amelia followed her, like she always did these days. “Oh, can I come help you?

The scene warmed Finn’s heart, but he cleared his throat. “Just don’t take too long, ladies. I still want to take pictures of Amelia before we go.”

Poe came into the kitchen, beard still intact, but remained silent, and Finn could feel in the air that they weren’t in sync.  It wasn’t like this had never happened, but it kicked up the anxiety in Finn again. He started putting together his lunch, trying to figure out what to say. “I, uh, have my physical tomorrow. Want me to make an appointment for you while I’m there?”

Poe rolled his eyes, and Finn tried not to be hurt by his reaction, tried to understand Poe’s frustration, because they  _ had  _ gone over all of this before. Poe's answer was automatic: “The people in my family all live to a ripe old age," but his frustration snaked out into anger when he added, "unless they’re taken out by fucking drunk drivers, of course.”

Finn winced. “Right, sorry.”

Poe sighed. “You don’t need to be. I’m just nervous about our baby girl going off to kindergarten.”

Finn pressed his lips together, his intuition tell him that it wasn’t the full story, but crossed to Poe anyway, bringing his hands up to Poe’s face and stroking the beard he found so attractive.

“I just keep remembering the first time we met her, and she would barely talk to us without prompting.” Poe leaned his forehead on Finn’s, breathing in his scent as if to calm himself. “And how nervous she gets around kids she doesn’t know.”

“I know, baby, I know,” Finn said, stroking through Poe’s curls now, soothing. “I guess we have to remember that we’ve taught her how to deal with it the best we can, and that she’ll be right back to us at the end of the day so we can help her deal with anything else.”

“I thought you said we were in a hurry,” Meghan quipped from the kitchen door, Amelia standing by her side. Finn reluctantly raised his head, knowing that things still weren’t completely settled with Poe, and turned to look at her, noting that she’d dressed in the same colors as Amelia’s outfit. He was warmed again by the sisterhood Amelia and Meghan had already built between them in the last 8 months.

“Right you are,” he replied easily, grabbing a paper from the counter. “Let’s go out in the front, Amelia, and get your picture in front of the trees.”  They made their way outside, and Finn handed off the paper to Amelia.  She held up the sign, which read “First Day of Kindergarten,” and grinned widely, the gap in her teeth from losing her first baby tooth recently looking especially adorable. “Cheese!”

Later, when they had arrived at the school and Amelia was holding Finn and Poe’s hands (having told Meghan that if she had a third hand, she would hold her hand with it too), she hesitated before walking too close to the school, which was milling with students and parents. Finn and Poe exchanged a worried look, and Poe crouched in front of Amelia. “Everything okay, nugget?”

“It’s just that, I don’t know anyone, Daddy.” Amelia was chewing her lip.

“Well, you’ll know Colin,” Poe pointed out.

Finn crouched, too. “It’s going to be just like your first day at Miss Hannah’s, sweet pea.  You’re not going to know a lot of people, but you’ll get to know them, and it will be just as fun.  But if you’re feeling scared, what can you do?”

“Ask the teacher to take a break,” Amelia responded from rote.

“Remember, Amelia, you can always play alone if you want,” Meghan said from above them.

Amelia narrowed her eyes at the school building and gave a determined little nod. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Inside, they introduced themselves to the kindergarten teacher, Miss O’Brien, who showed Amelia where her table and cubby were.  Miss O’Brien fit Finn’s perfect image of a kindergarten teacher, which did some to alleviate Finn’s worries.  Young, round, and non-threatening, with a permanent smile of understanding on her cheery face. He alleviated other worries by slipping off to the office to give them Amelia’s testing kit and emergency insulin and snacks, grilling the nurse on their use.  When he made his way back, Amelia was leading Meghan around the room so they could look at all the play areas while Poe stood back among the cluster of parents, all of whom looked unwilling to leave their children behind. Finn joined them, feeling comforted that he and Poe weren’t the only hesitant parents in the room.

Miss O’Brien clapped her hands, settling the class in, and slowly, the parents all trickled out, Meghan, Poe and Finn among them.

\-------------------

When they returned in the afternoon to pick Amelia up, Finn’s anxiety was in high gear, partially because he still felt distance between himself and Poe and he couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

They waited in the hallway with the clump of other parents of the kindergarten class, the same anxious vibe from the morning obvious among the nervous chatter. Miss O’Brien opened the door, smiling widely as her students came bursting out, running to find their parents or older siblings. Finn didn’t realize he was holding his breath until there she was, looking tired but all in one piece, grabbing his waist in a tight hug, then Poe’s, then Meghan’s. Poe picked Amelia up, grunting a bit, and Finn couldn’t blame him for wanting to pretend she was still their little girl.  “How was your day, nugget?” he asked as they all started to walk out the building.

“Long. I want to go to my room,” Amelia said, not elaborating more. Finn didn’t want to press. It would take Amelia more than one day of school to get acclimated. She’d be fine, soon. And so would Poe.  _ Right? _

The next day, Finn and Poe greeted Meghan at the bottom of the stairs, Finn holding up a sign that said “First Day of 9th Grade.”

Meghan rolled her eyes. “Dad, you can’t be serious.” Her mouth tipped up a little at the sides.

Finn laughed. “I’m not, unless you want to take the picture.  We just wanted you to know that we love you just as much as we love Amelia.”

Meghan clasped Finn’s hand, then Poe’s, and squeezed. “As if I could forget.”

\--------------------------

Finn couldn’t tell if he was the only one who sensed the tension in the household over the next few weeks.  It  _ seemed  _ like he was the only one who noticed that Poe was being ultra-sensitive to any mention of age, and Amelia was being more like the Amelia they’d first met, and Meghan was always distracted by her schoolwork or messaging Rigo on her tablet. And, he thought ashamedly, that Poe had barely touched him in the last week.

Finn came back downstairs one night after reading Amelia to sleep, grabbing a legal journal from his briefcase to read.  Normally, he cherished the time after Amelia went to sleep and before Meghan headed for bed, enjoyed the time he shared with Poe and Meghan, even if they were all doing their own thing in companionable silence.  It was peaceful, soul-settling.  Except for the last few weeks, when, to Finn, the conversation seemed stilted, the silence crushing until he wanted to scream at Poe to just tell him what was wrong.  He’d learned that it was always better to let Poe say what was bothering him on his own time, whereas Poe knew that Finn needed to be prodded to open up.  But they were long past being anxious over Amelia’s first day of kindergarten, and he still didn’t feel in sync with his husband. 

Tonight, however, Meghan seemed to have something on her mind.  She had her sketchbook out but wasn’t drawing anything, instead tapping her pencil against the pad nervously. Finn looked up from the legal journal he was pretending to read and exchanged an arched brow with Poe. Maybe someone else had finally noticed something was wrong. “Everything okay, Megs?” He asked.

She blew out a breath. “Rigo asked me to the Homecoming dance at his school.”

“Did you say yes?” Poe asked, setting down the farm paperwork he’d been sorting through.

Meghan shrugged. “I haven’t replied yet, I’m not sure how to. And Elisa’s busy with Luis and I obviously can’t talk to Mary about her own nephew…”

Finn grinned a little. “You know, Meghan, Poe and I do have experience with dating men, too.”

Meghan’s cheeks pinkened. “Obviously. Gahhhhd, this is so embarrassing.” She huffed out another breath and then cleared her face, obviously determining to go on no matter what. “Okay, the thing is, what if he wants to be more than friends?  I mean, he knows I’m...he knows who I am, but for the most part we never talk about it.  He accepts me as a girl, which is awesome, but what if I do something to remind him that I’m not?” Finn wanted to interrupt at that, tell her that she was a girl, but she waved her hand. “Biologically, I mean.  What if I, like, get...excited… if he kisses me or if we dance close?” Meghan’s face was flaming red now, and she was looking down, tapping her pencil again.

Poe looked at her intently.  “Okay, first of all, do you want to be more than friends?”

Meghan picked at her nail. “I don’t know.  I mean, what if he’s just asking me because I’m the only girl he can talk to?  He’s so shy. Rigo’s really nice, and we have fun together. He’s not...aggressive.”

“Just remember, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  I agree, Rigo is very nice, but don’t feel obligated to go to the dance just because he’s nice,” Poe said.

“But-” Meghan started, then cut herself off.

“But, if you do think you like him, and you do go with him, I would guess that there’s a good reason he worked up the courage to ask you. I would think that it’s because he’s accepted  _ all  _ of who you are, not just what you show,” Finn put in.

“He goes to one of the big Salem schools. What if someone finds out about me and they make fun of us?”

Poe smiled. “You’re as good at playing the what-if game as I am.”

“And believe me, he’s  _ really  _ good at imagining all the possible things that could go wrong,” Finn added.

Poe looked at Finn, eyes inscrutable. “And Finn’s really good at reminding me that if we spend too much time on the what-ifs, we forget to actually be in the present. And life’s pretty damn awesome in the present.” He broke his gaze away from Finn, leaving Finn more confused than ever. “Okay, so when are you planning on telling Rigo yes or no?”

“Tomorrow night at the soccer game.”

“And when’s the dance?”

“A week from Friday.”

“So, if you say yes, you have a week to brainstorm all of the what-ifs you could possibly think of, and when you do, you bring them to us, and we’ll help you make a strategy,” Poe reasoned.

“For instance,” Finn picked up, “I’ll repeat that I don’t think you need to worry about reminding him ‘who you really are,’” and Finn held up a finger to tick it off. “I think the question about you getting excited if you enjoy him kissing you is something you should chat with your therapist about in the next few days.” He held up another finger. “And if anyone at this big high school makes fun of you guys, I know a place in the New Mexican desert where not even the buzzards will find them.” He grinned a little savagely at the last part, and Poe and Meghan laughed in surprise.

“You sound like Rey,” Poe murmured.

“The thing is, Dad,  _ how  _ would you get them to New Mexico in the first place?” Meghan asked when she finished laughing.

“Don’t doubt me, I will find a way.”

Meghan packed up her drawing supplies. “I have a lot to think about, I think I’m going to head to bed. Love you guys.”

Finn and Poe echoed her, then lapsed into silence. Finn felt as if the physical distance between them on the couch was growing larger, like a big yawning pit he’d never bridge. Still, he tried. “Well, the silver lining is that Meghan gets to teach us how to get through these things so Amelia won’t be so hard, right?”

Poe laughed politely, but offered nothing else.

He went for another attempt. “My blood tests from my annual came back, no red flags.”

“Good.”

Finn felt like tearing out his hair.  Or Poe’s.  The thought gave him an idea, though, and he scooted closer to Poe, running his hands along his arm and thigh. “Hey,” he said in his best seductive voice.

Poe set his paperwork aside again, but then got up. “Sorry, babe, I’m tired.” He walked away, and Finn really did try to pull his own hair.

\--------------------------------

“Mr. Smith, Mr. Dameron, it’s good to see you again,” Miss O’Brien gestured for them to sit down. The kindergarten room was decorated with paper leaves and pumpkins, reminding Finn that they needed to get to work on Amelia’s Halloween costume. “Let me know if I need to slow down at any point. I know Amelia has an older sister so I’m figuring you guys aren’t new to the parent-teacher conference process.”

Poe cleared his throat. “Actually, we adopted Meghan this summer, so this is our first time. Please be gentle.” At another time, Finn might have smiled at Poe’s charm, but at the moment, it just pissed him off.  _ He has time to charm the teacher and no time to tell me what the fuck is wrong,  _ Finn thought.

Miss O’Brien laughed, saying, “Don’t worry, it’s kindergarten, it’s not painful. I’m going to start by telling you about Amelia’s benchmark progress.” She pulled out a paper, guiding them through it with her pen. “In reading, Amelia consistently exceeds benchmark standards, especially in phonics and comprehension.  You must read a lot at home.”

Finn tried to suppress his bad mood and smiled. “We do. Amelia loves to read or be read to.”

“Excellent, I’d advise you to keep doing it.  Have her read to you whenever you can, but reading to her is also beneficial.  It helps grow her imagination. In math, Amelia hits at or just below benchmark.” At Finn and Poe’s worried looks, she rushed to assure them, “I know that she’ll improve by the end of the year. Nothing to worry about. She does okay with addition, but maybe work on subtraction with her at home.” They continued to work their way through the benchmarks, until they got to a certain section and Miss O’Brien paused, seeming to try and figure out how to say what she was about to say to them. “Regarding social skills, Amelia has some… eccentricities, we’ll say.”

“Yes?” Poe prompted, worry in his voice, when she failed to go on.

“She’s very shy, very quiet in class. Very rarely volunteers answers, even though I can see that she has them. Which-” Miss O’Brien held up a hand as Finn opened his mouth to defend his baby girl, “Yes, you did tell me about before the school year started, so I fully expected. I noticed at the beginning of the year, during play time she played with Colin Garson quite often, but when he began to want to play with a larger group of kids, she started playing by herself.” Finn had noticed a lessening in the frequency Amelia mentioned Colin at home, around the same time Amelia had gotten increasingly quieter and more timid, even with them. “This kind of thing does happen as friends move from preschool to kindergarten. I’m worried that she’s isolating herself rather than making new friends. If it wasn’t for recess, I think she could make more friends.”

“What’s happening at recess?” Finn asked.

“Amelia is very… competitive at recess. It’s very interesting, really, how she can be so quiet and reserved in the classroom and then go out to play tetherball or four square and intimidate all of the other children away. It’s obvious that she has physical skill which can be intimidating, and I wouldn’t ask her to try and make herself less talented so that other kids can keep up, competition is healthy after all, but I actually caught her  _ growling  _ at a student last week.” Finn gave Poe a look, and Poe had the grace to blush, thinking of all the times Amelia had watched him play soccer. “I’ve talked to her about this, of course, but I bring it up with you because I think that maybe she needs a competitive outlet.  Have you considered team sports? Something where you could channel that competitive nature of Amelia’s so that it doesn’t spill over onto the playground?  I’ve seen situations like this in the past and that solution has worked well.”

Poe nodded. “I’m part of a soccer league, and they start as young as 4. I guess we just didn’t think about it because…” He turned to Finn for help.

“She’s so small for her age, and her daycare never mentioned any of this type of behavior,” Finn finished, worrying his lip.

“As much as we have time for play and naps, kindergarten is so much more structured than preschool.  This behavior is probably part of her adjustment to that transition.” Miss O’Brien smiled kindly at them. “I can tell you’re both worried, and honestly, I don’t think you need to be.  Amelia is such a sweet little girl, and a pleasure to have in class.  With a competitive outlet, I think she’ll start feeling more comfortable around her peers.” She looked into their worried faces. “Seriously, guys, it’s not the end of the world.”

Finn and Poe smiled hesitantly back at her, shook her hand again, and walked out into the crisp afternoon air, everything wet from a recent rain.  It was one of those fall days in Oregon, first rainy and then sunny and then back again before you knew what was happening. They got quickly into Poe’s pickup before it could decide to rain again, departing in silence and beginning the drive home.  Finn could see that Poe’s knuckles were white with pressure on the steering wheel, and suddenly he’d had enough.

Finn didn’t care that Poe worked things out best on his own time.  His own time had taken too fucking long. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Poe?”

Poe’s eyes widened, but he kept looking ahead in silence, until he pulled to the side of the country road, leaving them in relative privacy unless another car came by. Poe’s voice sounded ravaged when he spoke. “What’s wrong with me? Oh, just that apparently I’ve fucked up our daughter, that I’m a bad influence on one of the people I love the most.”

“You haven’t fucked up Amelia.” Poe looked like he was going to protest and Finn interrupted. “Fuck that, Poe.  _ Fuck  _ that.  I’m not even going to talk about that anymore because seriously.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  What’s been wrong with you for the last month and a half?  Why haven’t you talked to me? Why haven’t you touched me?” Finn choked on a sob.

Poe released the steering wheel, leaning over and resting his elbows on it instead, cradling his head in his hands as he was prone to do when he was upset. Outside, the weather turned, and rain began to pound the pickup.

Finn folded his arms around himself, seeking comfort. “Are you okay?  Are you sick?  Are you having second thoughts about the adoptions?  Is the farm about to go under? Is Leia sick?  Snap?  Do you...do you need a break from this, from us, from me? What is it?” He reached up to swipe at his tears, angry at himself for breaking down. 

Suddenly, he couldn’t stay in the cab anymore couldn't stand the silence, didn’t care that it was pouring, had to get out. He slammed the door behind him and began walking away, not bothering to take his jacket.  He got about twenty feet before he heard the other door slam.

“Finn, wait.”

He stopped, turned, let Poe approach him.

“I can’t do this without you.”

“Can’t do what, Poe?” Finn shivered as he shirt soaked through.

“Come here,” Poe said, opening his jacket and inviting Finn into the relative warmth.  Finn felt pathetic for the elation he felt at Poe’s first invitation to touch him in more than a week, but wrapped his arms around his husband anyway. Poe wrapped the coat around the two of them, in a gesture more romantic than practical, since now both of them were getting soaked. “I can’t do anything without you.” Poe rested his forehead on Finn’s and closed his eyes.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Poe.” Worry was eating Finn alive.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been such an asshole. I’m so sorry I could ever make you think that I was done with you, with us.”

“ _ Tell me.  _ ”  

“ _ I don’t know!  _ I don’t know. Mid-life crisis?”

Finn scoffed. “You’re too young to be having a mid-life crisis. You’re only 37-”

“My parents were 37 when they died!” Poe yelled. “I could die tomorrow, and leave you alone with the girls.”

“And I could get diagnosed with colon cancer and leave you alone with the girls.  Except I get my annual physical, so I get to eliminate it from my worries for a bit. What happened to ‘living in the present is awesome?’”

Poe looked defeated. “I just, I’m not sure if I can really do that right now.”

“Well, you can’t keep living your life like you think you’re going to die tomorrow, because you’re miserable and you’re making me miserable, and we already have a miserable kindergartener we need to help, so we need to adult the fuck up.” Poe got a guilty look on his face. “And no, I didn’t bring Amelia up because you fucked her up.  It’s not your fault. You heard Miss O’Brien. This is just a bump in the road for Amelia.  Someday, when she’s playing NCAA sports, we’ll all relate this story to ESPN and laugh.” Finn could see Poe’s smile and felt a small sense of victory.

“I didn’t realize you had such big dreams for our little girl,” Poe said, his voice sounding lighter for the first time in the conversation.

“Yeah, well that’s before she becomes a world renowned young adult author multi-millionaire, and her book series gets turned into a string of very successful movies, and that’s how we finally meet Denzel. On the red carpet. In a suit.”

This time, Poe laughed. As if agreeing with him, the weather cleared again, the sun making the wet pavement begin to steam. “Of course your fantasy for our daughter includes you meeting cute men.”

“Hey, I said us. Think of the menage a trois possibilities there.” He rubbed his husband’s back. “Poe, I know I can’t just tell you ‘don’t worry about it,’ just like you can’t tell me that. What do you think would help?  Therapy?”

Poe was silent for a minute. “Maybe,” he admitted. “I don’t seem to be getting past this on my own, do I?”

“That’s the thing. You don’t have to get past it on your own, baby.”

“I can’t do this without you,” Poe repeated.

“I’m right here, always.”

And then Poe’s mouth was crushing down on his, and it felt so good, so glorious, that Finn imagined it was maybe better than their first kiss. He burrowed his fingers through Poe’s rain-wet curls, moaning. Poe released his mouth, ignoring the sound of disappointment from Finn, and began dragging him back to the pickup. “Did I really tell you I was too tired last night?  What the fuck was I thinking?”

“I don’t know, but I propose we stop thinking for a bit,” and Finn slammed Poe against the pickup, capturing his mouth again. In the back of his mind, Finn realized that he finally felt centered again, finally felt like the world was running in sync.

\---------------------------------------------

At the soccer game the next night, Finn and Amelia signed up for the kids’ league, then sat down to watch Poe play and have a chat about competing versus playing at recess. “See Daddy playing now, he’s being competitive because this is his league. But remember when he played with you and Snap and Elisa this summer out in the backyard? Did he push you or or steal the ball from you?”

Amelia giggled at the thought. “No.”

“So, he plays differently depending on who he’s playing with, right?”

“Yeah. So, I should play nicer during recess? Miss O’Brien said something like that.”

Finn smiled at her. “Yeah, we’d like to see you do that.”

Amelia nodded. “So, can I go play soccer,  _ nicer,  _ now?”

“Nicely,” Finn automatically corrected.

“Nicer-ly,” Amelia attempted to repeat.

Finn laughed. “Yeah, go on, sweet pea.” She ran off.  Finn looked around for Meghan and spied her in one of the corners with Rigo. Finn tried to continue to watch them out of the corner of his eye, curious as to how Rigo would take what she’d chosen, but not wanting to seem so overprotective. He saw Meghan reach out and clasp Rigo’s hand, and Rigo nodded, looking a little sad, a little relieved. She’d told Finn and Poe earlier that she’d decided to agree to go to the dance with Rigo just as friends.  _ “I want to feel what you guys do. Rigo makes me feel safe, but I don’t think I could kiss him, like, ever.”  _   Finn had refrained from telling her that what he felt for Poe was one of those loves that seemed far and few between.  Let her keep a few romantic ideals.

“Did she do it, do you think?” Poe asked, looking directly at Meghan and Rigo as he wiped his head with a towel.

Finn dragged him down to the bleachers. “Stop staring! Give them space.  No need to be el oso off the field as well as on.”

“Hey, you’re the protective papa bear that threatened death by New Mexican desert, babe.”

Finn folded his arms, schooled his face into a frown. “I cannot confirm that I ever threatened any such thing, and it would be my word over yours in a court of law.” He broke at the last bit, frown turning into a smile as Poe took his hand.


	32. Birthdays, Chapter 1: Amelia's Big Day - Rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four stories, each told from one of the Smith-Dameron's point of view, around the theme of birthdays. This is Chapter 1. 
> 
> CW: Vomiting/stomach flu (once upon a time, such a thing would have made me queasy to read, so there you go.), homophobia and bullying
> 
> Hopefully Amelia's use of the terms Daddy-Poe and Daddy-Finn in her head won't be confusing to anyone.

Buli was licking her hair again, grooming her, Daddy-Finn called it. She opened her eyes, smiling at the kitty who liked to sleep on her shoulder. Buli stretched, then curled herself into Amelia’s neck, pawing at her nightgown, rubbing her head against Amelia’s jaw and purring. Amelia loved waking up like this, cuddling with Buli in the morning, even though she was what Daddy-Finn called a morning person and liked to spring out of bed right away. Daddy-Poe always grumbled in the morning.

“It's January 4th, Buli-baby.  Do you know what that means? It's my birthday,” she said to the cat, who meowed in ecstasy when she scratched under her chin.  Amelia giggled. She could see from her bed that it was still dark, which meant she should probably wait until one of her daddies came to wake her up and not the other way around. She continued to pet the cat until a soft knock sounded at her door, and she turned to see Daddy-Finn standing there. A smile broke out on his face at the sight of her snuggled up with Buli. Amelia curled her toes; Daddy’s smiles always made her feel like she'd just taken a sip of hot cocoa.

“Good morning, birthday girl!” He walked into the room, blood testing kit in one hand, other held behind his back.

Amelia sighed resignedly, sitting up and holding out her hand for the test, then giggled when Daddy just took the hand and bowed over it with great ceremony, revealing a plastic crown from behind his back. He placed it on her head, and she clapped. “Does this mean I’m the princess, Daddy?”

Daddy laughed, one of Amelia’s favorite sounds in the whole wide world, except for maybe both of her daddies laughing together. “This means you get to be Queen for the day, sweet pea!” He began to run through the blood test as he continued to talk.  Amelia liked that, too. He never made a big deal out of this, not like at school. She didn’t have to test very often at school but she had to go to the office to do it, and the walk there and back was always torture, pointing out that she was different than everyone else when she just wanted to blend in. And someone always had to walk with her, just in case, and no one ever volunteered. “So, Queen, what would you like to do for dinner tonight?”

Amelia thought as Daddy ran the blood test strip through the machine. She popped out of bed, excited by the possibilities. “Could we go to Olive Garden, Daddy?  Please? Pleeeeeease?”

Daddy wrinkled his nose a bit, but responded, “Sure, sweet pea.”  Then his brow furrowed as he read the number on the testing machine. “Blood sugar’s a little on the low side today, Amelia. Make sure you eat some extra raisins today with breakfast?”

“Sure, Daddy,” Amelia said carelessly, beginning to look through her closet for a birthday outfit. He joined her, helping her pick bright green leggings, a magenta skirt, and a t-shirt proclaiming “Rainbows make me smile!”

“Okay, time for teeth and insulin, let’s scoot before Meghan gets in the bathroom.”

Amelia danced out happily.  Her family always smiled at her when she did that - Daddy-Poe said she’d rather dance someplace than walk. That was true, Amelia reflected. She wasn’t allowed to run in the house, and dancing was the next best thing. 

In the bathroom, Amelia stopped, dropping her jaw at the beautiful drawing of Threepio attached to the mirror.  ‘Happy 6th birthday, Amelia!’ was written along the bottom, though she had to ask Daddy to verify what all the words were. Before Daddy could stick her with her insulin, she walked back out of the room until she was out of sight of Daddy, then ran the rest of the way to knock on Meghan’s door just like Anna did on Elsa’s door.

“Come in,” came Meghan’s muffled voice, and when Amelia threw open the door, Meghan was at her closet, picking out clothing for the day as well.

Amelia raced across the room - breaking the no running rule again with no regrets - and launched herself at Meghan, hugging her around the waist with enough force to knock the crown off her head. “Meggy, I love it! I love it so much! It’s my horse and I love it so much! Thank yoooouuuuu!”

Meghan knelt to pick the crown up, staying on Amelia’s level to put it back on her head. “You’re welcome, squirt. Or should I say, Your Majesty? Happy birthday, Amelia.” She hugged Amelia, and Amelia melted into it. Meghan was always more hesitant to hug Amelia back than her daddies were. She felt Meghan’s hand pat her on the back, Meghan’s signal that she was ready for Amelia to let go, and Amelia did, happy.

Daddy-Poe poked his head into Meghan’s room. “How’re my girls this morning?”

Meghan smiled and gave him a little wave, and Amelia danced over to grab Daddy’s hand. He grunted, but picked Amelia up, settling her on his hip and placing a smacking kiss on her cheek. “Daddy, did you see what Meghan gave me for my birthday?”

“No, nugget,” he said, winking at Meghan. “Why don’t you show me?”

After she did just that, Daddy gave her her insulin and urged her to brush her teeth, then helped her pull the picture from the mirror and put it on her wall in her room.

She lingered in her room, rearranging her stuffies on her bed. Daddy sat down, patting the blanketed space beside him. She crawled up and put her arms around him, squeezing partially into his lap. He smelled like the farm, like the outdoors and leather. “What's wrong, nugget?”

“Do I have to go to school on my birthday?” she mumbled into his chest.

She could hear concern in his voice. “Is everything okay at school? How's recess been recently?”

She clenched her little hands together, unsure of what to say. Everyone had told her she was too mean at recess, so she tried to play nicer, but now no one really gave her a chance. She liked school, she liked reading time, and she liked the bubbly Miss O’Brien, but it was such a lonely place. “Fine, Daddy.”

“Well, Amelia, we have to go to school every day, it's one of the rules. Besides, you  _ just _ got back from winter break.” Amelia sighed heavily, and Daddy smiled down at her.  “Before you know it, it will be summer break. You get to hang out on the farm this summer!”

She smiled up at him. “I wish it were summer right now!”

He kissed her forehead. “Me, too. Winter is the pits, huh?”

“The super pits!” Daddy laughed, and lifted Amelia to the floor.

“Sweet pea, you ready?” Daddy-Finn called up the stairs.

“She's coming, babe,” Daddy-Poe called, and Amelia hurried to catch up with him.

At the bottom of the stairs, Daddy-Finn held up a plate to show to Amelia. Her eyes widened. “Mickey Mouse pancakes?”

“Buckwheat with blueberries, on the special plate, sweet pea, just for you.”

After breakfast, Daddy-Poe  _ and  _ Daddy-Finn  _ and  _ Meghan took Amelia to school, where maybe she lingered in their hugs for a little longer than normal. When she finally released Daddy-Finn, she took off her crown and handed it to him, thinking still about wanting to fit in at school. “Will you keep it safe for me, Daddy?”

“Sure thing, sweet pea.” He kissed her on the forehead and she walked into the school by herself.

Before starting her first lesson, Miss O’Brien announced Amelia’s birthday. Amelia sort of wished she hadn’t, because now the other kids would be expecting cupcakes and Amelia had decided she’d rather have cake at home with her family.  Sure enough, there were noises of disappointment when it became clear that Amelia was being different, yet again. Miss O’Brien told them to quiet down, of course, but the damage was already done.

Thinking about being different made her tired, and Amelia leaned her chin on her hand and looked away from Miss O’Brien as she talked about numbers. Amelia’s eyes fixed, for the umpteenth time as Daddy-Poe would say, on Molly Walsh, or more specifically, on Molly Walsh’s red hair. It wasn't really red, Molly’s hair. It was the color of Amelia's favorite crayon in the crayon box, copper. It was magical. It was different than anyone else that Amelia knew. Not only was it such a beautiful color, but it hung in perfect ringlets, shining as they curled over Molly's shoulders. Sometimes Amelia felt a little like Charlie Brown, obsessed with the Little Red-Haired Girl. Except she didn't love Molly like Charlie loved the girl. She knew what love was, saw it pass between her daddies every day, even when they were mad at each other. No, Amelia wasn’t in love with Molly; Amelia was envious of Molly. She felt like Molly was everything she wasn't. Vibrant. Popular. Copper curls to Amelia's boring straight black hair. Willing to raise her hand and win praise from Miss O’Brien. Nice to everyone.  Everyone wanted to play with her on the playground, everyone wanted to be her friend.

Amelia realized she’d been staring at Molly for quite a while, a fact which Steven, who sat in the desk next to her, and who she really didn’t like, had noticed. He narrowed his eyes at her, and Amelia knew he’d probably have something to say to her later. Right now, she didn’t really care.  She fought to keep her head upright - if Miss O’Brien saw her leaned over like this she’d send her to the nurse for sure - and pay attention to the numbers.

She wasn’t really feeling better at recess, but she picked up a bouncy ball from the recess monitor and began to hit it against a wall anyway. She was getting into a rhythm, dancing and running and diving to hit her own ball, when a group of boys led by Steven stood in front of the wall to block her game. Amelia felt a little hurt near her heart when she saw Colin was one of the pack.

“You’re a freak, Amelia Smith-Dameron,” Steven said in a low voice, glancing quickly over at the recess monitor. “You don’t even have a normal last name, cuz my daddy says you don’t have a normal family.”

Amelia could feel her face flaming. “I do so,” she mumbled, arms hanging limply at her sides, but hands clenched into fists.

“You’re a freak,” he repeated, and this time the boys in the group echoed him, although Amelia didn’t think that Colin did. “No one should have two dads. No wonder you don’t have cupcakes today.  I bet no one in your family even knows how to make cupcakes. Freak, freak, freak,” Steven began to chant. “Just a little freak with two dads.”

They were closing in on her, and Amelia wasn’t sure what she should do.  She could feel the tears stinging her eyes, and worse, her stomach was heaving at the embarrassment and upset, and she looked down, trying to decide if she should run away so she could go be sick behind the bushes. Suddenly, green sparkly shoes crossed her line of vision, right in front of her, and she looked up to find her view of the boys blocked by the gorgeous copper curls Amelia would recognize anywhere.

“I have two dads, Steven,” declared Molly. “My daddy and my step-daddy.  Am I a freak?” Amelia peered out from behind the redhead, where she was amazed to see Steven taking a step back, as if he didn’t want to challenge the most popular girl in class. Molly glared at Steven. “I didn’t think so, now-”

“She stares at you, you know. All the time, like a little freak, like she  _ looooves  _ you.” Steven held his ground.

Molly glanced back at her, and Amelia was stumbling for words to explain. “No, it’s just, your hair, it’s so pretty, I don’t love you, and you sit right by where Miss O’Brien stands and I  _ don’t  _ love you, I swear-” Molly turned away from her again, and she cut herself off, feeling bile beginning to rise.

But amazingly, Molly was defending Amelia again. “I don’t care. She’s not a freak, Steven. Say you’re sorry, or I’m not inviting you to my birthday party.” Silence on the playground; this was the ultimate threat from Molly Walsh.  Of course Amelia had never been to a birthday party for Molly, she’d just met her this year. But her parties were already legendary among the kindergarten students.

Steven glared one final time, but backed off, mumbling an apology in Amelia’s direction before taking his posse with him.  Molly turned back to Amelia again, smiling brightly.  Amelia stared at her with gratefulness and admiration. “Thank you so much, Molly. I’m really not in love with you.”

Molly grinned at her. “My mom always says us females have to stick together,” she said, then frowned. “Hey, are you okay? You look awful pale-”

Which is as far as Molly got before Amelia leaned over, trying to dodge Molly, and threw up on the blacktop. She saw a little splash onto Molly’s pretty green shoes before she collapsed, world going black around her.

When Amelia woke up, she was laying on the cot in the nurse’s room in the office.  She could feel her finger tingling from a recent blood test.

The nurse walked in efficiently, placing a cool towel on Amelia’s forehead, which felt like bliss to Amelia. “Welcome back, sweetie. How do you feel?”

Amelia shook her head slightly. “Still feel sick. Want my daddies.” The look of horror on Molly’s face when she threw up all over her shoes kept replaying in Amelia’s head, making her want to cry.

“One of your daddies will be here any moment. We called him as soon as you came to the office.” The nurse turned away and muttered under her breath, “And knowing Mr. Smith, he’s probably breaking several traffic laws to get here.” This made Amelia smile a little. “If you feel like you’re going to throw up again, there’s a bucket right here, okay? Just rest, Amelia. Close your eyes for a bit.”

She followed the nurse’s advice, except that when she closed her eyes, the scene in the playground kept coming back to her. To fleetingly feel like she was not alone, then ruin the moment - it was too much, and combined with the feeling in her stomach, this time Amelia really did start to cry, the big, fat, silent tears that she couldn’t seem to keep in. And then she was throwing up again, and sobbing, and feeling lower than she had felt in a long, long time.

Somewhere in the blur of tears and vomit, she felt a hand on her back, strong and steady, and heard Daddy-Finn murmuring, “Shhhhh, sweet pea, shhhhh, it’s going to be okay.” She collapsed on her side, letting her Daddy comfort her. When her tears had quieted, she felt Daddy take the wet towel and wipe her mouth, then give her back one last rub. “I’m going to be right back, okay, sweet pea? Everything’s going to be alright, my little Queen.”

She heard the adults talking in the doorway. The nurse, to Daddy: “Her blood sugar was low, but that’s to be expected after throwing up. Even with your low reading this morning, I think we’re looking at a stomach flu, not something related to her condition. However, you should continue to monitor it carefully as the flu passes through her, and keep some Pedialyte handy if it dips too low.”

A shaky sigh from Daddy. “Thank you, Helen, for contacting me so quickly. I know I can be a pain-”

“Ma’am?” Amelia half opened her eyes at the sound of Molly’s voice. “I volunteered to bring Amelia’s lunch and backpack to the office because she’s going home.”

Daddy took the backpack from her. “Oh, thank you, …”

“Molly, hello. Are you one of Amelia’s daddies?” Molly was holding out her hand to shake Daddy’s, all politeness. Despite feeling so sick, Amelia felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment at the last time she’d seen Molly.

“I am, yes. Finn Smith. Thank you again, Molly, that was very kind of you.”

“Of course I volunteered. Amelia’s my friend. I was wondering, when Amelia gets better, is she going to have a birthday party?”

Daddy hesitated, glancing back at Amelia. She had told them she didn't want to invite anyone over, which had caused both of her daddies' heads to wrinkle, but they hadn't pressed her. “I don’t know, Molly. We hadn’t really-”

“Because if she does, can I come?” Molly’s smile was all sweetness.

Daddy looked confused, like he’d never been confronted by a little girl before. Amelia smiled a little. “Uh, maybe that’s something we should ask Amelia?”

Molly scooted past Daddy before either adult could stop her. “Hi Amelia. I hope you feel better soon.”

“You’re not mad at me for throwing up on your shoes?” Amelia managed to ask, stomach feeling slightly unsteady again, and she wasn't sure if it was because of the flu or her own awkwardness.

Molly laughed that off and sat beside Amelia on the cot. She wiped some of Amelia’s sweaty hair away from her cheek. “Can I tell you something?” she whispered. Amelia nodded. “I like to stare at your hair, too. You look different than anyone I’ve ever seen in my life. And I want to be your friend, if you want to be mine.” She said the last part very quietly, as if she expected Amelia to reject her.

Amelia was confused. “Why? You’re friends with everyone else already. Why be friends with the freak?”

Molly gave a little half shrug. “You’re different. And you’re not a freak. And I have been wanting to ask you for awhile but you always seemed so happy by yourself. I was hoping if we were friends you could show me how to be so good at four square, so I could,” and Molly leaned in to whisper this directly into Amelia’s ear, “kick Steven’s butt.” Amelia giggled a little, and Molly laughed.

“Molly, you need to return to class,” the nurse called from the doorway.

“See you later, alligator,” Molly said, giving her one last sunny smile before turning around.

“After awhile, crocodile,” Amelia returned as strongly as she could. She didn’t feel so bad about throwing up on Molly’s shoes anymore, although it was still embarrassing. Amelia didn’t know that years later, at her own wedding, Molly would use the anecdote to embarrass her again in her Maid of Honor speech, but this time Amelia would laugh, and pretend to throw the strawberry from her champagne at Molly. No, all Amelia had right now was a burgeoning feeling around her heart like maybe everything was going to be okay.

Daddy came back to her bed, helping her sit up and wrap her arms around his neck. As he carried Amelia and her stuff out of the school building, she whispered in his ear, “Daddy, could we invite Molly over to spend the night when I’m feeling better?”

Her daddy looked relieved, which puzzled Amelia. “Of course, sweet pea. I think that sounds like a great idea.” He buckled her into the car, then kissed her cheek. “Try to get some rest on the way back to the farm, Amelia.” He slipped into the driver's seat.

Amelia giggled, suddenly, one of those delirious overtired giggles. She met her daddy’s eyes in the rear view mirror and he arched a brow in inquiry. “Looks like I got to stay home on my birthday after all, Daddy.”


	33. Birthdays, Chapter 2: Kintsugi - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthdays, chapter 2 of 4  
> Meghan is overwhelmed, and not necessarily in a good way, by what she has gained by being a Smith-Dameron.
> 
> Tags: past emotional abuse, trans character

“Happy birthday, dear Meghan, Happy birthday to you!” 

When the family stopped singing, Amelia interrupted the silence around the dining table with “and many more, on channel four!” and everyone laughed. “Molly taught me that!”

Meghan grinned down at her, ruffling her hair. “Of course she did.  I think you learn more from Molly than from Miss O’Brien,” she teased.

Amelia’s eyes went wide. “Oh, no, I learn so much from Miss O’Brien too!”

Finn, Poe and Meghan all laughed again. “I know, squirt.”

Birthdays were still a novelty to Meghan.  Big Sam hadn’t bothered after Meghan’s mother died, too long ago for her to remember. She loved her last birthday, with her whole farm family celebrating her choice to adopt her true name and gender. She liked to think she’d thrown off the vestiges of both Sam and Big Sam, but every so often, and sometimes more often than not, something would remind her of one or the other of them. Like celebrating a birthday.

This time, she’d asked her dads if they could just have a small family dinner, at home, just the four of them together, for her birthday. She was going to hang out with some friends at the mall this Saturday to celebrate too, but she wanted some time with Finn and Poe and Amelia. She wasn’t quite sure why, knew that as a fifteen year old she was supposed to be branching away from her family, but maybe that was because all she’d ever done before was run from family. To protect herself.

Poe had begun to slice the chocolate cake, and Amelia was sitting up, eager, probably more eager than herself, which made Meghan smile. Finn’s arm rested easily around the back of Poe’s chair, taking in Meghan’s interactions with Amelia with something like pride in his eyes. “You were right, Meghan, this is an excellent way to celebrate your birthday,” he said, eyes bright with obvious paternal love.

Meghan smiled tremulously, reminded again of Big Sam’s horrible taunting voice, and anxiety made her heart rate creep up a bit.  _ Don’t do this now _ . It was Meghan’s voice in her head, but it was Big Sam’s words, and it made it worse. She continued to smile, nod, and laugh when Amelia smeared chocolate all over her face accidentally, but internally she was trying to wrangle her thoughts. She centered on Finn, watching him lightly touch Poe’s arm, or lovingly and exasperatingly wipe Amelia’s face.  _ I am not broken.  _ Meghan’s voice, Finn’s words. It was practically her mantra. She felt the anxiety calm, at least for a bit. Why did it feel like sometimes she was barely holding together?  She’d been at the farm for over a year. She couldn’t have created a better situation if she’d sat down herself to write it out. She had so much to be grateful for-

“Presents now?!” Amelia cried, obviously buzzing a little from the chocolate, less from the sugar than at the rare chance to eat it.

“Let’s do it!” Meghan responded, trying to match her enthusiasm and cover her internal conflict.

Amelia placed a present in front of her, one that had obviously been wrapped with the help of Amelia, if the amount of tape was any indication. “It’s from me!” Amelia exclaimed.

Meghan began to pull at random tape strips, but paused, feeling too much sisterly love for Amelia to let the opportunity for teasing pass. “Hmmm, is it...a horse?” She pretended to squeeze the package as Amelia shook her head. “What about a rutabaga?”

Amelia wrinkled her nose and looked at Poe. “What’s a rutabaga?” she whispered loudly.

“Good for you,” Poe replied.

Amelia rolled her eyes and turned back to Meghan. “Open it!”

Meghan was laughing outright, now, the anxiety banished for the moment, as she opened the package. “Oh, Amelia,” she said, a little breathlessly. It was a box of high quality colored pencils, which obviously one of her dads had helped Amelia pick out, but it was the drawing included in the package that made Meghan happy. Amelia had drawn the two of them together, had written in her scrawling kindergartner handwriting ‘Happy 15th Birthday, Meghan.’

“Daddy said that I could try the pencils out only if I was going to make you a birthday drawing,” Amelia explained in her matter-of-fact manner.

“I love it. I love you. C’mere, squirt.” She wrapped Amelia in a quick hug.

Poe had walked away, using the excuse of needing water after the chocolate cake, but Meghan was pretty sure the only person in the room he was fooling was Amelia, and maybe himself. He came back from the kitchen with his face a little wet, like he’d splashed water there. It actually comforted Meghan - that was how she preferred to deal with emotions, too, by herself. But she noticed that Finn had frowned at Poe, saw him run a hand along Poe’s back when he sat back down, and whisper something in his ear, Poe shaking his head and rolling his eyes a little.  They’d been doing that a lot recently, these little pockets of friction or tension.  It had been worse in the fall, but it didn’t seem completely better yet. Meghan tried not to add it to her list of worries as she pulled the next package to her.

Opening it revealed Amtrak tickets to Tacoma, Washington, for two weekends from now, during Spring Break. “We thought you’d like to go see Aunt Jess and Aunt Rey for a little bit,” Poe explained.

“Or if you don’t want to, I’ll go happily,” teased Finn, smiling.

“No, I love it! It’s amazing! The best idea ever!” Meghan squealed, skirting around the table to hug both of her dads. “Thank you so much.”  They had talked about this before. It meant a lot to Meghan that her dads trusted her to travel alone.

She continued to unwrap, unearthing some more art supplies.

“One more,” Amelia pointed out, bringing the last present to Meghan.

She unwrapped it quickly, already feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for her family, and that niggling voice at the back of her head, the one that used Big Sam’s words, was asking her why she thought she deserved so much.  The voice only got louder when she saw what her last present was: a brand new iPhone.  She was speechless. She’d never even hinted - had made sure never to hint - that she wanted a cell phone. It was just one more thing that made her an abnormal teen, but really, that list was so long, why even bother with it? She’d very specifically never mentioned getting a cell phone to either of her dads. Ever. Because it was too much. It was too big. They’d already given her a tablet for school work, but Meghan could justify that because it was really the family’s tablet.

She managed a smile, trying to show that she was pleased when inside she was dying, just a little, and she think she passed it off because both Finn and Poe smiled back and Finn took the iPhone out of the box and showed her how to set it up. She let the process distract her.

Later, in her room, she hooked up the iPhone to charge, flipping the phone so it was face down a little guiltily. She went to her dresser, pulling away clothes until she found it - the beat up spiral bound notebook she’d bought, back when she’d been Sam/Meghan but mostly Sam. She had scrounged up bottles for the deposits to buy it at the dollar store, and it was crap, only 100 sheets of horrible quality lined paper, the lines so light at some points that the pages looked blank anyway. 16 months ago, she would have said it was her most prized possession.

She looked at the proper sketchbook Finn and Poe had given her, all the way back when her arm was broken. Thick, and luxurious, with a sturdy cover that had yet to break down despite being carried to school every day. Side by side, they looked ridiculous.  _ And which one do you deserve, Sam?  _ “Meghan,” she mumbled aloud, rubbing her head, wishing she could get Big Sam’s words out of her mind. She picked up the dollar store notebook, took it with her to bed, fell asleep writing “I am not broken,” over and over on one of the weakly-lined pages.

\------------------------------

It was like the cellphone was a catalyst, and Meghan began to become hyper aware of all of the little things Finn and Poe provided her that she’d started to take for granted over the last year. When she woke up, her eyes settled first on the cellphone, still face down, then traveled to all of the objects she’d accumulated, somehow. Even the room itself, which hadn’t been decorated when she’d first arrived because of the short notice, emergency-type situation that had brought her here, was an indulgence. Finn had helped her paint it white, and over the last summer, she’d slowly added designs everywhere, making the room uniquely hers. In the house that was theirs. Finn and Poe and Amelia’s. And she’d forced herself in here, with her dramatic exit from the group home, forced herself on the hospitality of Finn and Poe and for some reason they’d decided to keep her, give her all of this, and what did she do in return? She rubbed over the pubertal inhibitor injection site. Cost them more money, in injections, in therapy, in food and clothing and art supplies, in the extra gas it took to get her to her special school that she had insisted on going to because the other schools made her nervous. And what about how Finn and Poe felt? They were so obviously in love with each other, so why was there tension between them? And why did it feel like it started shortly after Meghan got here? Once these thoughts began twisting through her head, insidious, she couldn’t stop them. Every single thing, the clothing she dressed in for school, the way Finn asked before stroking her arm as she got out of the car for school, the weight of the cell phone in her backpack, it all poked, poked, poked at her until she wanted to scream.

In the evening, after Amelia had gone to bed, Meghan tried to broach the subject with Finn and Poe. Well, not exactly  _ the  _ subject. “Hey, guys?” She waited for them both to look up. They weren’t sitting next to each other on the couch, Meghan realized. “I was thinking, this summer, maybe I could get a job? Then I could pay for the cell phone bill.”

Finn smiled at her, brushing that away. “Honey, you don’t need to pay for your cell phone bill. That’s our job.”

Meghan clenched her hands, the need to hit something rising. She consciously unclenched them. She hadn’t felt the need to hurt herself in months. Her hands were important to her. She did not want to go back to her old habit of beating them bloody. “I just feel like, at 15, I should help out.”

Poe exchanged a glance with Finn, cutting Finn off before he could reply with another brushing remark. “She’s right, Finn. No, no,” waving Finn’s protest off, “not the cell phone thing. But I was working every summer well before her age.”

“Yes, but we live in a very different situation than you did growing up,” Finn said through partially clenched teeth.

Meghan clenched her hands again. “I just want-”  _ to feel like I’ve earned all this, somehow.  _ Meghan couldn’t bring herself to say it aloud, voice the thoughts she’d been having.

“You know, Meghan, we take teenagers on during the summer all the time at the farm. You could work for Organa’s,” Poe reasoned.

“She should be allowed to take the summer off, have fun, be a teenager.”

“Or,” Poe continued, ignoring Finn for the moment and keeping his eyes on Meghan, “We could pay you to keep an eye on Amelia, at least part of the time, give Nan a break midday or something like that.”

Finn looked like he was considering the idea despite himself, despite his reservations. “That’s a possibility,” he admitted. “But I still think Meghan should be given the chance for some freedom.”

The fact that Finn and Poe were arguing over her stupid idea to get a job made Meghan’s stomach hurt. “Um, I’ll think about it,” she mumbled, grabbing her stuff and heading upstairs.

\------------------------

The next morning, Saturday, Finn drove Meghan to Salem to hang out with her friends at the mall.

On the way, Finn glanced over at the pensive Meghan. “I’m sorry about last night, honey. Poe and I vowed that we’d never disagree in front of you guys, but well, let me tell you, you can promise a lot of things to each other before you have actual kids.” Finn grinned, trying to show Meghan that it was a joke.

“I’m sorry I made you guys disagree, after everything you’ve done for me,” Meghan mumbled.

“What? Honey, no - that wasn’t about you, not really. Poe’s just having a bad year.”

That didn’t really make any sense to Meghan, so she didn’t respond. When they pulled into a spot in the mall parking lot, Meghan gathered her purse and coat, then paused when she saw Finn was holding out a 50 dollar bill.

“I know it won’t buy much, but I hope you can find something that makes you feel pretty, my gorgeous daughter.” Finn held it out further, and Meghan felt like she could do nothing but take it. “I love you, Meghan,” Finn murmured.

“I love you, too, Dad,” she replied, giving him a quick squeeze across the center console of the car.

She was sliding out of the seat when Finn added, “Hey, maybe after shopping, I could help you study for your driver’s permit test?”

She gave him a small smile. “Sounds good.”

Meghan walked into the building, waited at the door until she saw Finn drive away, and exited, taking a place at the nearest bus stop.

\---------------------------

The feeling that what she was doing was a horrible, terrible, no good very bad idea didn’t hit until after the train had crossed the border into Washington.  _ You fucked up _ , Big Sam echoed in her head.  _ You ran away from your problems, caused drama again, and now they’re never going to want to take you back. You done fucked up, boy. _

She’d managed to convince the man in the train ticket office to exchange her tickets for a different day, but he wouldn’t budge on the destination, so she was headed to Tacoma. If her phone was any indication, no one had missed her, yet. Finn would be attempting to pick her up from the mall soon, though. She needed to figure out what to do. As if on cue, a message from her dad popped up.

**Dad-Finn:** I’m here, outside Macy’s. If you want a little more time with your friends I’m fine waiting. Hope you’re having fun.

Meghan panicked, hit the button to make her screen go black. She shouldn’t have done this. Why? Why did she always run? Why was she like this, why couldn’t she just be better?  _ You’re not broken.  _ Finn’s words, the words that would normally calm and comfort her, only made her feel worse. She forced herself through some of her calming techniques while the green of the Washington countryside passed by in a blur. Before she knew it, it was a long time later, and a series of texts and missed calls had appeared on her phone screen.

<Missed call from Dad-Finn>

**Dad-Finn:** Tried calling, are you okay?

**Dad-Finn:** Meghan, I talked to Janine’s mom, and she said you cancelled the mall trip yesterday. I’m not angry, honey, just need to know where you are. Please.

<Missed call from Dad-Poe>

<Missed call from Dad-Finn>

**Dad-Poe:** Meghan, what’s wrong? Where are you? Can come get you from wherever. No consequences, just text us back.

Each successive text made her cry, but she couldn’t face them yet. Couldn’t face the disappointment. So she dialed a different number on her phone.

“Meghan? Are you okay?” Jess’s calm voice filtered through.

“I fucked up, Jess,” Meghan mumbled.

“Where are you? Are you hurt?” This was Rey’s voice, frantic, in the background, and Jess shushed her.

“I’m fine. I’m going to be in Tacoma in,” Meghan glanced up to check the Amtrak monitor, “about a half an hour. At the train station.”

“Have you called your dads yet?” Jess’s calm voice again.

“No,” Meghan replied guiltily. “I don’t think...I don’t think they’ll want to talk to me right now. Could I stay with you, just for a little bit?”

“Of course. I’ll be at the train station waiting for you, okay?”

“Okay.”

The call had the effect of making the texts from both her dads cease, except for one last one, sent ten minutes later.

**Dad-Finn:** We love you, Meghan. No matter what.  <3

At the train station, Jess greeted her with a quick nod, the efficient way Jess greeted everyone, and it made Meghan feel safe. “Convinced Rey to stay home, I thought you and I might take some time to ourselves?”

“That sounds okay,” Meghan replied, and they got into Jess’s car. She drove them to a scenic lookout of the Puget Sound and Tacoma Narrows Bridge. Jess stepped out of the car and Meghan hurried to follow her.

Jess sighed as she looked out at the large expanse of water, leaning her elbows on the lookout fence. “I didn’t realize, being from New Mexico, just how calming watching water can be. I like to come here a lot if a case is giving me trouble.”

Meghan turned away from Jess and looked out at the water instead, and had to agree with her. She took some breaths. She knew Jess could wait for hours for Meghan to talk, and decided to save them the time. “I shouldn’t have done this. I know it.”

Jess continued to watch the water. “Not going to lie, that’s probably the first thing you should say to your dads when they get here too.”

Meghan groaned at the thought of her dads racing up I-5. “I don’t know why my first instinct is to run.”

“I think you do.”

“Are you saying that just because I was- just because of my biological father, I should excuse myself from upsetting Finn and Poe? And probably Amelia? Oh, God.” She shuddered as Amelia popped into her head for the first time.

“I think they’ll be willing to give you a little leeway.”

Meghan frowned. “Of course they will. I don’t deserve anything they’ve done for me.”

For the first time, Jess glanced away from the Sound and into Meghan’s eyes. “I have to admit, I’m obviously not a mother. Nor do I really want to be, because being an aunt is pretty awesome.” Meghan’s lips tipped up a bit. “But Finn and Poe do all those things for you because they chose to. They chose  _ you.  _ They knew exactly what they were getting into when they did. And they get something from it in return.”

“What?” Meghan asked frantically, because she couldn’t see any time where she’d repaid them for anything.

“I had the benefit of knowing them both before they were fathers. I saw them make their vows to each other, and honestly, I didn’t think either of them could get any happier than that day. It was a little disgusting.” Jess laughed, and Meghan smiled outright this time. “But I was proven wrong when Amelia entered their lives, and then again when you did. You two, yes, both of you, make them happy. Stupidly happy. We’re all kind of sick of it, happy.”

“But they aren’t happy right now, they’ve been arguing.”

Jess’s face turned serious, but soft. “Poe’s having a hard year.”

“Finn said that, too,” Meghan said, confused.

“It’s not really something that I should talk about, but you could ask Poe about it yourself, maybe?”

They watched the water for a bit, waves crashing against the shore. Meghan repeated her mantra in her head, not realizing she had said aloud, "I'm not broken." Jess looked over at her again, and she blushed. "It's what Finn told me once. That we're all damaged, maybe, but not broken."

Jess smiled a little. "I like that. Have you ever heard of Kintsugi?" Meghan shook her head. "You should look it up sometime, it'd be cool to do as a school project, maybe. It's a Japanese thing; my grandma had a piece in her collection. Artists who do Kintsugi take broken pottery and repair it with gold, or silver, or platinum.  The idea is, once something's broken, it's not going to be the same, but that doesn't mean that it can't be something even more beautiful.  The artists find the beauty in something damaged,  _ because _ it's damaged."

Meghan mulled over that idea, nodding a bit. Jess looked down to check her watch. “Listen, if we leave now, we can fight the Tacoma traffic, then the base traffic, and have a little dinner with Rey before your dads get here.”

\------------------------------------

Meghan didn’t look up from her notebook, the one from her past, when Finn and Poe entered the living room. She continued to look down, at the page where she’d written “I am not broken” until she’d fallen asleep, willing herself to believe it. She felt the couch sink on either side of her as her dads flanked her.

“Can I?” Finn’s voice was tentative, his arm raised in question, and she nodded, beginning to cry the moment he touched her back and started to rub. The touch, the request for consent, the fact that they were both here… Meghan sobbed harder.

“It’s okay, honey. We’re not mad,” Poe whispered.

She leaned into him, and he awkwardly pulled her into his lap as he might Amelia. Finn’s hand remained on her back as she felt him scoot closer. When her sobbing quieted, she whispered back, “I’m sorry. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I shouldn’t have run.”

“Can you...can you maybe tell us why you did?” Poe asked hesitantly, tucking her head under his chin. “Tell us what we can do to fix it?”

Meghan laughed humorlessly. “I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve a dad who thinks that this was his doing, because really it’s all my fault. Me and my fucked up head.” Her dads were silent for awhile, but Finn’s hand never stopped rubbing and Poe’s arms never let her go. “You deserved another kid like Amelia. I know she’s got problems, but they’re easy to handle. She’s doing fine. And you look to bring in another person to your family and you get me. And I drag you into my drama, into my fucked up world, by calling you that day when I ran away. And yet somehow I’ve hit the jackpot, won the lottery on adoptive parents, and you give me all of this stuff and I give you nothing, nothing in return. Except more problems.” She shuddered out a breath, then decided it would be better to just get it all out. So she let Big Sam’s words come spilling out of her. “I’m not good enough to get this kind of treatment. Kids like me deserve the dented canned veggies they sell for half price, and dollar store notebooks, and clothing filched from the lost and found at school, and to sleep on the couch so dad can have the bed because doesn’t he put food on the table and a roof over my head? And if I’m a good boy, maybe we’ll get ice cream on Friday.” She stopped, breath coming fast, and she forced herself to calm. “I guess… I guess I thought I was past what Big Sam did to me, but I’m not.”

Poe made a kind of choking sound, and Meghan sat up to look at him. “Dad?”

“If it takes you awhile, sweetie, it’s okay. If you think you’ve moved past it, and then you realize you haven't quite, it’s okay. We’ll still be here for you. It’s never a step backwards, never a step in the wrong direction, to realize you still need a little help.” Meghan noticed that Poe wasn’t looking at her, but at Finn, and Finn was nodding.

Finn cleared his throat. “Meghan, family, our family, it’s not about reciprocity. We don’t give you all the stuff we do, provide you with the opportunities we can, because we expect certain behaviors from you. We do it because we love you. And we can repeat that as often as you like.”

Poe took Meghan’s chin, drawing her gaze back to him. “And we can repeat this: you deserve everything you get. Because you’re human. You deserve the best life your parents can give you, and if you feel like you won the jackpot, well, I won’t argue with you, we are amazing.” He winked at her, and she laughed a little. “And I will go to my grave repeating this: we chose you. We absolutely chose you. And isn’t that the awesome thing about our family? We got to choose, and we chose you. Because you’re amazing. So you fit right in.”

Meghan contemplated that, and they sat in silence for a few minutes. “Does Amelia know I what I did?”

Finn answered. “Sort of. We told her that you had gotten your days mixed up and went on the train early and needed a ride back. She was really sad she didn’t get to come pick you up.” Meghan frowned, beginning to tear up again. “Spend tomorrow with her and I’m sure she’ll forgive you.”

“Do you guys? Forgive me, I mean.”

“Of course,” Poe murmured.

“On one contingency,” Finn said. “That we make this flight tendency a focus in therapy. Because I can handle the other stuff, I think, but honey, I can’t handle that panic again.”

Meghan slipped off of Poe’s lap and into Finn’s. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I love you.” She rested her head on his shoulder, tired.

She felt Poe’s hand on her back, heard him say softly, “Let’s go home.”


	34. Birthdays, Chapter 3: Poe Dameron's Having a Hard Year - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 of 4 of Birthdays
> 
> When Poe turns 37, he struggles to deal with something by himself.
> 
> Tags: Parental Death (Shara and Kes), alcohol, depression

**12 months ago:**

Poe watched the living room clock tick down, and stilled his fingers on the guitar strings, holding his breath as it tipped over to midnight. Nothing happened, not that Poe had been expecting a fanfare of trumpets or a punch in the face or his heart to just stop, making him collapse on the couch to be found by Finn, or Amelia, or Meghan in the morning. Normally Poe would have quelled such a morbid thought, but now, he embraced it.  _ That could happen now.  _ That was the difference that had happened at midnight. Not some big realization. Just a calm acceptance of the idea that he could die tomorrow, a fact he’d only felt surer of in Afghanistan. The seconds kept ticking away, counting down his life. He was 37 now, and there was no guarantee he’d see 38. How could he, when his parents hadn’t?

He heard the padding of bare feet on the stairs, looked up to see Finn coming down, rubbing his eyes from sleep. Poe felt a brief surge of annoyance; he’d come downstairs with the intention of not disturbing anyone as he counted down to his fate. But then he chastised himself internally; Finn almost always came to find him when he was kept up by thoughts of Afghanistan, so it’s not like he’d know this was different. Different enough that Poe couldn’t talk about it.

Poe waited as Finn sat on the couch beside him, waited as Finn wrapped an arm around him and leaned his head on his arm, and began picking on the guitar to complete the ritual. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to feel Finn’s warmth, seeking his husband’s comfort innately even if his mind was rebelling against it, saying Finn wouldn’t understand. His fingers automatically found the lullaby his mother sang to him when he was little.

“You played that the first night I heard you play the guitar,” Finn murmured.

Poe paused his fingers, letting the last notes resonate into the quiet room. “You remember that?”

“Of course,” Finn replied, tone telling Poe he thought Poe’s doubts were silly. “Is it something in particular?”

Poe paused, unsure if he wanted to reveal this to Finn, opened his mouth, then paused again when he realized he was contemplating keeping something from Finn. Except, this was about his parents, and he always kept his parents from Finn. His parents were his, alone. “Not really,” he lied, and the lie didn’t sit well on his tongue, because it was a real lie. He hadn’t needed to lie before; he’d normally tell Finn that he didn’t want to talk about his parents, and Finn respected that. Because Finn loved him. And he’d just lied to Finn. This was deception, and part of his mind screamed to stop and make it right. A smaller, but louder part of his mind told him to leave it be. They’d be fine. He’d be fine, keeping this from Finn.

“Happy birthday, baby.” Finn squeezed him around the waist, and yawned.

“You should go back to bed,” Poe whispered, letting his fingers continue to play the melody.

Finn shook his head sleepily against Poe’s shoulder. “Don’t like falling asleep without you by me.” Finn had closed his eyes, snuggling in against Poe.

The sight of his sweet husband on his shoulder, so vulnerable, broke past some of the defenses Poe had been building. “Okay, since you’re going to be stubborn about it,” he said, his tone teasing and light. He wasn’t quite sure where he’d pulled the levity from. Maybe he could do this. Maybe he could hide this dread that was filling him from Finn. He stood, pulling Finn to his feet along the way. Finn blinked blearily, as if he’d already fallen asleep and forgotten where he was in the few seconds since he’d last talked. Poe laughed, lightly, and took Finn’s hand, leading him to the stairs. “C’mon, baby. You’re so tired.”

“Mhmm,” Finn replied. When Poe laid down, Finn immediately wrapped himself around his husband, whispering quietly into his neck, “Love you, Poe.” He was asleep before Poe could reply. Poe stayed awake, contemplated the ticking of the clock and the steady breathing of the man beside him.

**11 months ago:**

_ I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory.  _ Hamilton’s line felt all the more appropriate now, and it circled in Poe’s head, stuck there. He felt like every single moment he was consumed with wondering how it would come. Would a snake spook BB-8 so that he fell from her and broke his neck? Would he get heat stroke, collapsing where no one noticed until his brain left him a vegetable? Would he slip on one of Amelia’s stray socks in the morning and fall down the stairs? It almost became a game. What kind of convoluted  _ Final Destination  _ style death could he come up with next?

Poe could not admit it to himself, but the thoughts were taking their toll on him, and it was getting harder to keep it from Finn, who knew him better than anyone in the world. There was tension there now, so minuscule that he wasn’t sure Finn had noticed it, yet.

He looked in the bathroom mirror, holding up his razor.  _ I could slide in a patch of water, reach for the counter, accidentally grab my razor, and slice my artery.  _ He set the razor down. Maybe he’d grow a beard.

**5 days after that:**

Finn ran his hands along Poe’s short bearded cheeks, cupping Poe’s head and throwing his own back as Poe rolled his hips again beneath him. Poe watched his husband’s face as it contorted in the most beautiful ecstasy, and thrust up once more. When he felt Finn’s tremors begin, he pulled him back down on top of him, swallowing Finn’s shouts with his kiss. Seconds later, Finn returned the favor, as Poe came inside him. Finn continued to kiss him, the press of lips becoming less desperate and more languid and smooth as they rode out the aftershocks of their orgasms. Finn finally released Poe’s face, rubbing his smooth cheek against Poe’s rough one instead, giving a final sigh of contentment before Poe readjusted their positions so they were laying side by side.

“So you like the beard?”

Finn gazed at him, all sex-soft brown eyes and thick black lashes, still fluttering a bit. “I definitely like the beard.”

**10 months ago:**

_ “I have a type, babe, and it definitely includes gray hair. So if you want to shave because it’s uncomfortable or hot or itchy, Poe, do it. But if you’re feeling insecure about your age, please know that it’s only a turn on for your husband.” _

Finn had said it to him before he’d had to leave and help Amelia get ready for her first day of kindergarten. It had been the right thing to say, but it wasn’t the Finn thing to say. Finn would have teased him, and told he was an old man, robbing the cradle for a scrumptious little thing a decade younger than him - those would have been Finn’s words, of course. But Finn had gone for reassurance, which meant that Finn knew, that Finn was picking up on the fact that Poe wasn’t alright.

Poe was picking up on it too, but now he was too far in the spiral to figure his way out of it. Except he had to figure his way out of it. He was a father now. Fathers protected their families. They didn’t feel like the life they’d once thought normal was now crumbling around them.

**9 months ago:**

Poe climbed into his truck, gripping the wheel tightly as he contemplated his part in Miss O’Brien’s assessment of Amelia. The cab was silent, but he could sense Finn looking at him, and he didn’t want to glance over and see the look of accusation on his husband’s face. He’d let this - whatever it was - this crisis cloud everything until he was neither a good father nor a good husband, but he still couldn’t see his way out.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Poe?” Finn’s voice sounded broken, and Poe instinctively reacted to it, finding a place to pull over so he could try to explain.

He was sort of shocked when his own voice came out rough, ravaged. “What’s wrong with me? Oh, just that apparently I’ve fucked up our daughter, that I’m a bad influence on one of the people I love the most.”

“You haven’t fucked up Amelia. Fuck that, Poe.  _ Fuck  _ that. I’m not even going to talk about that anymore because seriously.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  What’s been wrong with you for the last month and a half?  Why haven’t you talked to me? Why haven’t you touched me?”

Finn sobbed, and Poe felt the sob like it had actually stabbed his heart. He collapsed over the steering wheel, holding his head in his hands. How had it come to this? Outside the cab, it began to rain again.  _ Perfect. _

“Are you okay?  Are you sick?  Are you having second thoughts about the adoptions?  Is the farm about to go under? Is Leia sick?  Snap?  Do you...do you need a break from this, from us, from me? What is it?”

At every question, Poe flinched, the knife twisting just a little further into his heart. The only answer he could give Finn was ‘I don’t know,’ and that didn’t seem like enough, so he remained silent. When he heard the pickup door slam, though, he immediately threw off his seatbelt and raced outside. Finn didn’t do this. Finn didn’t walk away from their disagreements. Oh God, how could he have let this go so far?  Far enough that  _ Finn  _ thought  _ Poe  _ needed a break? Nothing could be further from the truth.

He watched Finn stalk away from the car for a few more seconds before he yelled over the downpour, “Finn, wait.” It felt like a miracle granted especially to Poe that Finn listened, that after all that Poe had done to him over the last two months, he’d stopped. “I can’t do this without you.” It wasn’t a full confession, but Poe felt lighter, immediately.

“Can’t do what, Poe?” Finn shivered as he shirt soaked through.

“Come here,” Poe said, opening his jacket for Finn. He brought his arms around his husband, trying to transfer his warmth and his love and everything he couldn’t say aloud. “I can’t do anything without you.” Poe rested his forehead on Finn’s and closed his eyes.

“Tell me what’s wrong, Poe.”

Poe almost laughed. What  _ wasn’t  _ wrong? Where could he even begin? As he heard Finn breath shakily, though, he knew where he needed to start. “I’m sorry. I’ve been such an asshole. I’m so sorry I could ever make you think that I was done with you, with us.”

Finn’s voice was firm in his reply. “ _ Tell me. _ ”  

“ _ I don’t know!”  _ Poe finally admitted in frustration.  How could he put it into words? “I don’t know. Mid-life crisis?”

“You’re too young to be having a mid-life crisis. You’re only 37-”

Poe couldn’t stand that Finn was reassuring him once again, couldn’t stand that he’d seemed to become as fragile as one of their girls, and his frustration spiked. “My parents were 37 when they died!” he yelled. “I could die tomorrow, and leave you alone with the girls.” It was the closest he’d come to admitting the truth.

“And I could get diagnosed with colon cancer and leave you alone with the girls.  Except I get my annual physical, so I get to eliminate it from my worries for a bit. What happened to ‘living in the present is awesome?’”

Of course Finn would throw the words he’d told Meghan just the day before back at him. This is what he got for marrying a lawyer. “I just, I’m not sure if I can really do that right now.” Another truth. Living in the present was always the goal, but he seemed even farther from it than ever.

“Well, you can’t keep living your life like you think you’re going to die tomorrow, because you’re miserable and you’re making me miserable, and we already have a miserable kindergartener we need to help, so we need to adult the fuck up.” Poe felt the guilt rising in him again as these words sunk in.  “And no, I didn’t bring Amelia up because you fucked her up.  It’s not your fault...” Finn said something further about ESPN, and Denzel Washington in a suit, so ridiculous and such an obvious ploy to try and pull Poe out of this mood. He smiled, humoring Finn.

“Poe, I know I can’t just tell you ‘don’t worry about it,’ just like you can’t tell me that. What do you think would help?  Therapy?”

His mind rebelled at the idea.  _ Therapy? Again?  _ He’d needed therapy when he came back from Afghanistan, that was true. But his life was so much better now. Why should he need to go back? However, Finn was looking expectantly into his eyes, and rubbing his back, and he felt himself say, “Maybe.” He saw relief enter Finn’s eyes, and he felt guilty as he repeated, “I can’t do this without you.” That was the truth, at least. Finn sighed into him, and they kissed, and Poe knew that he wasn’t alright, but at least he knew what to do for Finn now.

He paid particular care to touch Finn over the next few weeks, to sit next to him, to take his hand, to kiss his knuckles. And every time he did, he felt worse, because he knew he was just continuing to craft the illusion that everything was okay.

**8 months ago:**

Winter was the best time to tackle the invasive blackberry that was rampant in the Valley. It was also the type of work that suited Poe’s mood at the moment. Cutting and slicing, ripping and tearing. It meant he could snarl, and grunt, and in general not be the type of person anyone else wanted to be around.  

Poe yelled an obscenity as a particularly stubborn thorn pushed through his glove and hooked into his hand. He took his machete and hacked at the vine, until it was nothing but a splintered stump.

“Feel better?”

Poe looked up at the sound of Snap’s voice. The taller man, his oldest friend, stood next to the mangled pile of blackberry vines.

“Dude, I hate blackberry vines as much as the next farmer, but…” He trailed off, probably hoping that Poe would pick up, spill his guts. When Poe remained stubbornly silent, Snap sighed. “Rough night?” That perfect kind of understanding in Snap’s voice made Poe feel a little sick. ‘Rough night?’ was code for ‘Thinking about our time in Afghanistan again?’ It wasn’t a subject that either Poe or Snap necessarily liked to bring up lightly.

“Something like that,” Poe decided to admit.

Snap pulled on a pair of gloves and began loading blackberry branches into a cart. “You want to talk about it?”

Poe grunted, continuing to hack at the vines.

“You want to drink about it?” This time Poe laughed, despite his foul mood. Snap slapped his back.

“It’s true that we haven’t had a boys night, just the two of us, for awhile.”

\--------------------

Everything was blurry, but Poe was pretty sure Elisa had dragged him by the arm to his home’s side door. He was vaguely aware that she was cursing in Spanish under her breath at him.

Finn appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. He hurried over to take Poe from Elisa. “Jesus, Poe,” he grunted. To Elisa, “Thank you. I owe you.”

Poe tried to focus on Elisa. “Hermosa, thank you,” he slurred, trying to stroke her arm and missing by a mile. Elisa gave them a short wave and left the mud room.

“Okay, baby, let’s go.” Finn poured him onto the couch, sliding his Romeos off and lifting his feet up, then leaning over to whisper near his head, “I’m going to go get you some water.”

Poe could hear worry in Finn’s voice. When he came back, he tried to reassure his husband. “‘M’okay, Finn. Just blowin’ steam off with Snap. Don’t worry ‘bout me.”

“Pretty sure the ring means I get to worry all I want. Try to drink a little water, baby. You’re going to hate yourself in the morning, and we’ve got Amelia’s game.” Finn held the glass to his lips, and he took a few sips just to try and get the sad look off Finn’s face.

Poe steadied a hand to run over Finn’s hair. “Why you sad, baby?”

Finn looked away. “You missed Family Night.”

_Shit._ _Shitshitshitshitshi-_

“Ready to fall asleep, Poe?”

Poe grabbed for Finn’s hand, found one and squeezed. “I’m sorry, Finn.” Tears were leaking out of Poe’s eyes now. He’d always been emotional, and the alcohol tended to amplify it.

Finn was shaking his head. “You obviously needed some time with Snap, it’s okay, really.” He started to detangle his fingers from Poe’s, looking like he was going to get up and leave Poe to sleep it off. All of a sudden, it was the last thing Poe wanted. He needed to figure out how to keep Finn by him. And so his drunk brain spilled out the truth, the secret he’d been keeping since July.

“I imagine my death all the time.”

Finn stopped getting up, sunk back down to his knees beside the couch. “Wha...you want to run that one by me again?”

“Like, scenarios. Like, I could die in the night of alcohol poisoning. Or I could get up to go the bathroom, stumble, and hit my head on the sink. Or-”

Even in his blurry vision, he could see Finn’s eyes were wide in the way that meant he was freaking out on the inside. “Poe, do you-” Finn shuddered a breath in and out. “Do you  _ want  _ to die?”

“What? No.” Finn looked relieved at the quickness of his answer. “I just...I could die now. Now that I’m 37.”

Finn’s brows furrowed, and Poe was reaching out his hand to place a thumb there, smooth away the wrinkles of worry, he really hated seeing Finn like that, when Finn’s expression cleared. “And your parents were 37. So you think you’re going to die this year?”

Poe’s eyes closed, but he nodded a little, glad someone had finally said it aloud.

“Poe, baby,” and the urgency in Finn’s voice had Poe’s eyes popping open again, “I need you to talk to someone about this. Someone who’s not me. Or Snap. Someone professional.”

In his drunken state, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

**7 months ago:**

Waking up to that hangover last month, the last thing Poe had wanted to do was seek a therapist. Finn, though, had thought of this, and had printed the listings of twenty therapists in the Salem area that dealt with grief. Poe had folded the list meticulously, tucking it in his wallet.

Poe did have to give Finn credit. He didn’t nag about calling anyone. He didn’t push. He didn’t cajole. But every time Finn touched him, or kissed him, or made love to him, it was there, in Poe’s mind.  _ Finn needs me to do this. Finn does so much for me, and he needs me to do this one thing.  _ It eventually worked as a prod.

It took Poe a week to come up with the courage to call someone, after having researched them all on the internet.

It took Poe three calls before he decided he could leave a message.

It took one instance of phone tag, when Poe had been paralyzed at the therapist’s number flashing on his screen, to set up the appointment.

It took all of his courage to put his pickup in park, slide the key out, and open the door.

It took ten minutes with Dr. Charles to realize he’d made the right decision.

**6 months ago:**

It was midday, and he found Leia in her kitchen, knocked briefly on the door jam so as not to startle her. She turned, smiling, holding up her tea kettle with an inquiring brow. He smiled back, nodding, and took a place at the kitchen table that had been there longer than he’d been alive.

“How’s Amelia doing, the poor dear?” Leia asked as she put the full kettle on the stove and turned on the gas.

“No throw up since last night, so that’s good. Blood sugar back to normal. Thanks for letting Meghan stay here last night so she wouldn’t catch it, too.”

Leia’s mouth tipped up on one side. “How hard did Finn try to convince you to quarantine yourself, too?”

Poe laughed a little. “Not hard enough, obviously. I never get sick - it’s Finn we should all be worried about.”

“Don’t tempt fate, Poe.” She began to pull together the makings for a sandwich.

“Hippie,” he said, teasing.

She merely arched a brow at him as she got the mustard out of the fridge. “Now, did you need me for farm business? I looked at the finalized numbers for last quarter, and I must say, I’m happy every day I took you on as my farm manager.”

Poe blushed a little, pleased at the praise. “Actually, no, I-” He was interrupted by the singing kettle, and he stood to take care of it as Leia continued to make her lunch. “What kind did you want?”

“Mmmm, how about peppermint?”

Poe prepared two cups, though honestly he would have preferred a shot of coffee at the moment. Drinking tea was part of the process with Leia, though, and he didn’t mind. He set the cups on the table, and Leia set roast beef sandwiches in front of both of them. “Oh, you didn’t have to-”

Leia sat and placed a hand over Poe’s across the table. “Allow a mother hen to fuss every once and awhile, Poe.” She withdrew her hand only when he had nodded, picking up his sandwich with his free hand. “What were you saying?”

Poe swallowed a bite of the sandwich, wiping away mustard with his finger. “My therapist,” he hesitated slightly, still nervous about having to use present tense terms, “asked me last time if there was anyone I felt comfortable talking about my parents with. And I came to the conclusion that… that person was you. First. That if I could talk about them with you, maybe I could talk about them to other people…like Finn.”

Leia’s smile was warm and nostalgic. “Was there anything you wanted to talk about in particular?”

“Tell me about when you first met them.” Poe took a sip of the tea, watching Leia expectantly.

“Well, your mother and father, Han and I, we all had some fun times here on the farm - no, not fun adult times like you’re thinking. Shara and Kes were very much monogamous, just like you and Finn.” Leia laughed as Poe turned red again. “Okay, so, Kes, I met first. He just walked up the driveway one day, asking if we had work. His English wasn’t as good back then, but we still managed to communicate with each other. Before I could answer, he showed me just how quickly he could weed a row of plants, and I hired him on the spot.” Leia looked away from Poe for a moment, as if deciding if she really wanted to go forward with what she was saying. “I see a lot of Kes in you, Poe. If he’d been around when I needed to slow down, needed to take on less duties, he’d have been my choice for farm manager.”

Poe nodded, eyes filling with unshed tears. He flicked them away, then motioned for Leia to go on. “I’m okay, really.”

“I didn’t meet Shara until our first big barn party after we hired Kes. She’d been trying to square away a child care situation for you, of course. She brought you that night, oh, you must have been about five, all floppy curls and a wide grin. And when you went off to play with Ben, who was just in that stage where walking had turned to running everywhere, Shara and I bonded over motherhood. Your mother was a spitfire, Poe. She never let Kes puff up with too much machismo, she was an expert at deflating him. And she loved you so much, couldn’t stand to leave you in the hands of someone she hadn’t thoroughly checked out. I offered to let her bring you here, let you run around with Ben and the other farm kids. I was always sad when the Damerons followed the crops to Arizona or Southern California for the winter.” She reached out again and squeezed Poe’s hand. “Was that okay?”

Poe nodded, still choked up. “Um, would you mind doing this again tomorrow?  You could come to my place, and I could fix you a sandwich this time.”

“I’d love that.” Leia smiled, running a thumb over Poe’s knuckles.

**5 months ago:**

Finn was waiting for him outside his law office, tucked under an awning to avoid the rain. He had a bouquet of out-of-season wildflowers, an array of colors, tucked under one arm. Poe saw the moment Finn spotted him, spotted his truck, because the tiniest smile crossed his husband’s lips.  _ Fuck, I’m lucky _ , he thought for the umpteenth time in the last few years. Things weren’t quite settled between them yet, there was still some mistrust on Finn’s side when he felt like maybe Poe was hiding his feelings or thoughts from him. Poe didn’t blame him, and he was working on it, truly.

Finn rushed to pull open the truck’s door, sliding in before everything could get wet. He set the flowers on the bench seat between them. “I thought that they might like something cheery, something that looks like Spring even when it’s rainy out,” he explained, a question in his voice.

“I think they’re perfect,” Poe said, reaching out a hand to caress Finn’s shoulder.

When they arrived, Poe pulled an umbrella from the truck door and hustled around to Finn, bundling him under with him. They walked, arm in arm, to the spot that Poe had never been brave enough to bring Finn to before.

Poe had had to make a lot of decisions about his parents’ funerals from Afghanistan, and as a result had relied heavily on Leia and Han to help. But he’d been confident in his choice to put their names together on the same tombstone, of red granite, with their different birth dates but same death date. February 17.

Finn lay the flowers in front of the stone, touching the top of it reverently when he came back up. “Thank you for him. He’s everything I needed. Thank you for making him who he is.”

“Los amo, mi madre, mi padre. Los amo.”

Poe slipped his arm around Finn and they stood there as the raindrops plopped against the umbrella.

**4 months ago:**

_ “If it takes you awhile, sweetie, it’s okay. If you think you’ve moved past it, and then you realize you haven't quite, it’s okay. We’ll still be here for you. It’s never a step backwards, never a step in the wrong direction, to realize you still need a little help.” _

The moment he said those words to Finn over Meghan’s head, their world began to click back together for him.

**3 months ago:**

It was shortly after the trip back from Washington that Meghan approached him while Finn was reading Amelia to sleep. He put down the paperwork, really, the farm seemed to have endless paperwork, and focused his attention on her. She looked nervous.

“Dad, uh. I was just wondering, if things are going better now?” She handed him one of his old appointment cards for Dr. Charles that he must have left around somewhere. “Because you don’t really have to hide it from me, or Amelia. We’re both pretty accepting of therapy.” Her mouth gave a little sardonic twist.

Poe let the card play between his hands, then set it on the coffee table and focused back on Meghan. If he wanted her to be open with them when she was hurting, he needed to do the same. “My parents were killed by a drunk driver eighteen years ago.” Even two months before, that sentence would have taken several tries to get through. Now, it didn’t freeze his lips. “I’ve never really dealt with their deaths, and that spiraled out of control this year, because they died at my age.”

“‘Poe’s having a hard year,’ that’s what Jess said.”

He patted her knee gently. “Not so hard. I’ve got you, after all. And Finn. And Amelia made a friend.”

Meghan laughed. “I’m not sure if Molly is a friend or the other half to Amelia’s coin.”

Poe joined her, enjoying her smartass attitude, glad to see it return after March’s events.

She was looking out the window, to the dark of their backyard, and straightened. “You know what, Dad?  We should plant something for them.  Something more permanent than flowers or vegetables but something pretty.”

“I love that idea, Megs,” Finn said as he walked back down the stairs. “Maybe something for my dad, too?”

It surprisingly took very little organizing to figure out what they wanted to do. The next Saturday, Finn, Poe, and Snap ceremoniously dug three holes as the rest of the farm family watched (or in the case of Amelia, tried to help). They placed bare root trees in the holes: a pear tree, for Kes, who had loved the land and the produce more than just a job; a cherry tree, for Shara, who had liked to pick the blossoms and weave them into her hair to surprise Kes; and a dogwood for Findley, because even without their flowers, dogwoods stood strong and stoic. Every member of the family helped lift dirt over the roots, Finn helping Anne when she burst into tears over the sight of everyone honoring Findley in such a way.

Later that summer, Poe would catch Finn and Snap grunting as they moved a sturdy metal and wood park bench under what would eventually be the shade of the trees. And in the years to come, every time the trees blossomed, the Smith-Damerons would take a family portrait, right there on the bench.

**2 months ago:**

Leia’s birthday was a loud, boisterous affair, with all of the farm family gathered in one place, Elisa and Snap on their toes as Luis was just learning to walk, Amelia seeming to have forgotten the rule to not run in the house, and Leia and Anne pouring over Meghan’s latest art from school. Poe leaned against the living room entrance way and laughed, more than he had since last July. Finn joined him, drawn like a moth to his laugh, wrapping his arms around Poe. “What’s so funny, sir?”

“Us,” Poe replied, waving an arm around the room of happy, distracted people. “We’re like the United Colors of Benetton in here.”

Finn shifted to stand beside him, observing everything, and laughed with Poe. “We’re certainly diverse, I’ll give you that.”

**1 month ago:**

When Finn found him in the cucumber rows, his first thought was that something was wrong. Except Finn’s face was practically split open from his smile. Poe took a slow breath in and out to quell the immediate panic reaction, but couldn’t stop himself from immediately asking as Finn got closer, “Is everything okay?”

Finn looked out of place in his lawyer suit amid the cucumber vines. “Can you make time to go to our spot? Nothing’s wrong, but I have a surprise for you.”

Finn’s excitement was infectious, and he radioed Snap that he was taking his lunch break, grabbing Finn’s hand and leading them away from the fields.

Under the shade of the trees, Finn sat Poe down on their bench. “Are we here to neck? Because it’s a surprise that you played hookie from work to do so, but I love this type of surprise.”

But Finn didn’t join him on the bench. Instead he pulled out a torn envelope from inside his suit. “Necking can come later. And I’ll hold you to that. This was meant to be a birthday present, but it came today and I can’t wait until next month.” He thrust the envelope into Poe’s hands.

Confused, Poe opened it slowly, eyes darting up to Finn’s when he saw the official seal of the US Army. He unfolded the letter and scanned quickly.  _ Poe Dameron  _ …  _ Less than honorable discharge struck from record… veteran in good standing status officially begins as of the date of this letter… we congratulate you. _

“What...what?” Poe sputtered.

Finn did sit now, excited. “Because Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was revoked, I decided to see if there was something we could do to get your status changed. Turns out, paperwork, but I’m a lawyer, so no sweat. So, happy early birthday?” Finn stared at Poe, expectant and hopeful.

He was not expecting Poe’s tackling hug. The official papers went flying as Poe pressed Finn to the back of the bench, whispering mostly nonsense as he showered Finn with kisses.

Finn’s hands on Poe’s head stopped him. He met Finn’s eyes. “Use your words, Poe,” Finn said in a lightly chastising tone.

“You’re amazing, absolutely the best husband I could ever ask for, I love it, and if we don’t get back to the celebrating, I might explode.” With a short chuckle he resumed his work on the sensitive spot beneath Finn’s ear, and Finn moaned.

Poe took an extended lunch.

**The present:**

Poe watched the living room clock tick down, holding his breath as it tipped over to midnight. Finn squeezed his hand, audibly exhaling. He brought Poe’s knuckles to his lips. “You made it.”

Poe felt as if his whole body might be made of love and gratitude for the man sitting next to him. “I made it.”

“Happy birthday, baby.” Finn stood, drawing Poe up the stairs with him, to celebrate the year in a more private place.


	35. You're the only one I trust to do this - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared as chapter 5 of Out of Time
> 
> beautifullights1 asked for some stormpilot smut based on 24/25 from the kink prompts, which are bondage and blindfolds respectively. And you know, I alluded to the fact that Finn and Poe had done just that for Poe’s 38th birthday. But I wasn’t as confident about writing smut back then as I am now. So, for your reading pleasure, Finn gives Poe his birthday present. They’re both new to it, so it’s fairly vanilla. Mostly a lot of body worship on Finn’s part. :) This takes place in between Poe and Finn’s chapters of Birthdays.
> 
> Obviously NSFW. Light Dom/sub. Enthusiastic consent.

Finn very deliberately walked through the house, locking the doors. The kids were gone, spirited off to the main house after Poe’s birthday dinner. The adults - and probably Meghan - all knew that Poe and Finn wished to be left alone, but that wouldn’t stop the country rules - doors were meant for opening, not shutting out. And Finn didn’t want any interruptions. Poe watched him, leaning against the hallway wall, with already lust-filled eyes. What Poe had requested had gone beyond anything they’d done before, and to be honest, Finn had had to do some research on the internet - behind closed doors of course. They’d negotiated what the circumstances would be, and Finn found that he was almost as excited as Poe was, because honestly, he was going to get to do what he loved best - loving on Poe, albeit in slightly different circumstances.

He pulled his husband into his arms. “Safe-word?”

“Tractor,” Poe answer matter-of-factly, if a little breathlessly. This wasn’t something they wanted to play with in everyday life, but for this special occasion? Finn could give Poe that.

“Color?” Not that they’d started, but…

Poe smiled, like Finn had wanted him to. “Green.”

Finn circled his arms around his husband’s waist. “I hope you saved room for dessert after that meal.”

“I could go for something sweet.”

Finn reached into his pocket, pulling out a length of white silk, warmed from his body. “I want you to let me feed you. Worship you,” he whispered into Poe’s ear, and Poe shuddered and nodded.

“You’re the only one I trust to do this.” Poe’s response was shaky.

“I know, baby. I know.” Carefully, Finn turned Poe around, placing a kiss on his neck before tying Poe’s hands loosely but securely behind his back. Confinement and giving over the control, those had been Poe’s requests. Finn? He truly did want to worship his husband, to show him how proud he was of how far Poe had come this year.

Poe raised his eyebrows when Finn turned them away from the stairs and instead led Poe to the living room. “It’s going to be slow,” he murmured as he helped Poe sit. He straddled Poe, leaning in to run his lips across Poe’s. “Stay right here, baby. I’ll be right back.” Finn sauntered to the kitchen, returned with a bowl of strawberries, and sat once again on Poe’s lap. “From our garden. It was hell getting Meghan and Amelia to leave them alone.” Finn grabbed a berry, then groaned. “Shit. I wasn’t going to bring up the kids. Did I kill the mood?”

Poe laughed, long and deep, his eyes still dark. “Believe me, baby, you’re doing just fine. Green, all the way.”

Finn smiled, reassured. He held the strawberry up to Poe’s lips. “Bite.” He leaned in to lick the strawberry juice off of Poe’s lips, then swept his tongue inside. “Delicious,” he purred, holding up another for Poe. It was strange, how satisfying feeding Poe was. He was a man who had spent his adult lifetime working to feed others. Now, Finn got the special privilege of feeding Poe, and from the look in Poe’s eyes, he was loving every second of it.

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s neck, watching Poe’s eyes grow darker at the display of Finn’s power. “You’re so brave, Poe.” Finn peppered kisses across Poe’s brow. “So kind.” Along his jawline. “Such a good provider.” Finn couldn’t resist anymore, and took Poe’s mouth, nibbling at his bottom lip before sweeping his tongue inside. He ground down against Poe, and Poe groaned. He felt Poe’s arms tense as he innately fought the restraints, probably wanting to grab Finn’s hips and pull him down harder, then whimper happily when he remembered that he was confined. After a few long minutes, Finn drew back, eyes on Poe’s. “Let’s take this to the bedroom.”

He helped Poe up, guiding him up the stairs, and sitting him on the bed, kneeling behind him. “I’m going to remove this restraint, Poe. I want you to relax your shoulders.” Finn deftly undid the knot, then helped Poe loosen his shoulders up, massaging where they’d gone tense. He quickly removed Poe’s shirt, and placed a line of kisses along Poe’s back. “Lie back, baby.”

When Poe was laying down, Finn straddled him again, producing two more silk strips from his pocket. Just as lovingly as before, he moved Poe’s arms up, tying them both to the headboard. “How does that feel?”

Poe tested the bonds, and Finn’s mouth watered a bit, watching his husband’s biceps flex. The knots held, though, and Poe’s eyes flicked closed for a second. “Good. Perfect,” he breathed.

“One more, baby.” Finn wrapped the last silk tie around Poe’s head, covering his eyes. Poe bit his lip, and Finn groaned, leaning down to take a nip of it himself. “Don’t come until I tell you.” Poe groaned, but nodded. “Enjoy.”

He could really get used to this, Finn thought, as he drank in the sight of Poe, torso stretched before him. And with that thought, he devoured. He teased and tortured with lips, tongue and teeth. He massaged, followed touch with kiss, and took his time completely taking Poe apart. Poe was writhing, moaning, and Finn hadn’t even removed his pants. Hell, Finn was still fully clothed. And he almost, almost wanted to see if he could get Poe to come untouched, just from the teasing, but really, then, he’d be denying himself what his mouth was watering for.

With the same deliberate care, Finn worked Poe’s pants down and off. “You’re beautiful, Poe. All work-hardened and sun-tanned and mine.” Poe shuddered at the compliment.

Finn wrapped a hand around Poe’s cock, proud and erect and oozing pre-cum from the extended foreplay. At Finn’s touch, Poe’s body jerked like it had been shocked by a live wire, and he fought against the restraints again, throwing his head back onto the mattress. Finn smiled wickedly.

He licked a strip up Poe’s cock, felt Poe’s shaking as he tried to keep himself from coming. “Good job, Poe. Keep holding on.” His mouth engulfed the head, tongue swirling. Poe’s hips rose involuntarily, then came down again as he whimpered. “It’s okay, baby. You can fuck my mouth. Come for me, Poe.”

Poe thrust into his mouth again, and Finn took a good grip at the base, pumping. At a shout, Poe came, flooding Finn’s mouth. Finn swallowed greedily, draining Poe dry. “Tastes good with strawberries, Poe,” he murmured when he’d finally let go.

“Fuck, Finn.”

“Still green?”

“Oh God.”

Finn stopped. “Poe, color check,” he said, his voice commanding.

“Green. Green, go. Good to go,” Poe babbled.

Finn placed a kiss on Poe’s thigh as a reward. “I’m going to be right back. Just getting myself a little more ready.” He left the bed, wetting a washcloth for cleaning later, then hastily stripping down and grabbing the lube from their bedside table.

Kneeling between Poe’s legs, Finn nudged them apart, running soothing hands up from Poe’s knees. He spread Poe’s cheeks, and leaned in, running his tongue around Poe’s rim, causing Poe to moan, then squirm when Finn’s tongue darted inside. Above him, he felt Poe’s cock start to stir, though it was still mostly soft, spent. However, by the time he’d opened Poe up with his fingers, Poe was standing at attention again.

Finn moved, forward, pressing himself inside, the feeling all at once familiar, like coming home, and new. He bottomed out with a shudder, placing a kiss on Poe’s neck. He slowly withdrew, drawing a moan from Poe, then thrust home again, but instead of a groan, Poe choked out, “Yellow, Finn. Yellow.”

Finn immediately paused. “What do you need?”

“I need to see you, Finn, my love, I need to see you, I don’t want the mask on, I need-”

“Shhh, shhh, shhh, baby. Hi,” Finn reassured, smiling down at Poe as he removed the silk from his eyes. “I’m right here, I have you. Do you want your arms released?”

Poe’s eyes were bright, and Finn worried that he’d gone too far, despite the relatively light play. But Poe was shaking his head. “I just needed to see you. I love you so much.”

Finn cupped Poe’s face in his hands, kissing his tears away. “I love you, Poe. You’re so good.” At Poe’s smile, he asked, “Color?”

“Green. Please fuck me, now.”

“Whoa, bossy.” Finn began a long, slow torturous pull out again, then held when just the tip was still inside Poe.

“Finn,” Poe moaned.

“You’ll take what I give you.” Eyes holding Poe’s, he slid in again. He felt Poe clench around him. “Jesus,” he muttered, and Poe grinned knowingly at him. “We remove one little mask and all of a sudden someone’s the boss again.” Finn groaned, sucking on Poe’s neck. “But it just so happens you’re driving me crazy, so it looks like you win.” Finn picked up the pace, and Poe rolled his hips in approval. After everything that night, Finn knew he wasn’t going to last long. “Think you can come again?” Finn fisted Poe’s cock.

“I don’t know, I’m not 22 anymore,” Poe admitted, though his eyes were blissed out.

“Thank god I never knew 22-year-old Poe, you’d’ve killed me.”

“We’d’ve killed each other, baby.”

“Oh god, Poe, I love you, I love you, I love you,” Finn chanted, matching rhythms between his hand and his hips. He shouted and buried his face in Poe’s neck, spending himself inside of his husband as Poe managed a small shot across his stomach. Finn chuckled. “Not bad for a 38 year old.” He lifted his head, saw that Poe’s eyes were closed and his head thrown back. He brushed a kiss across Poe’s cheek and extracted himself, getting the washcloth to clean them both.

Carefully he untied Poe, and massaged his stiff joints. “Can I get you anything, baby? Water?”

Poe shook his head lazily. “Hold me.”

Finn wrapped himself around Poe, and dragged the sheet up over them. “Of course.” He pressed a kiss into Poe’s neck, and murmured his love until they were both asleep.


	36. Birthdays, Chapter 4: Finn's Decision - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4/4 of Birthdays  
> We shall end with only the FLUFFIEST of FLUFF after the roller coaster of emotions that was the other birthdays. :)

Before kids, Finn had been the heavy sleeper of the couple. Then, when Amelia had joined them, Finn formed the habit of being asleep enough to get rest but awake enough to listen for her nightmares over the monitor. They’d been able to dispense with the monitor months ago because Amelia felt comfortable seeking them out if she needed it, but now sleeping lightly was Finn’s habit. When he got sick and took Nyquil to knock himself out for the night, he always felt slightly unsettled the morning after that something bad could have happened to one of his girls and he would have slept through it.

This was why, when Poe began to trace a finger delicately along his bare spine on the already warm July morning, Finn slipped from sleeping to consciousness without Poe even knowing. Finn lay on his stomach, arms up around his pillow, face toward their window, and sleepily hoped that Poe had remembered to close and lock the door if he was trying to start something. They’d asked Leia and Anne to take the girls after Poe’s birthday dinner, but if it was light, that meant it was possible for Amelia to interrupt them. She was the cutest damn cockblocker.

He let himself indulge in the feel of Poe’s callused but nimble fingers tracing the lines of his body. It was not abnormal for Poe to become obsessed with Finn’s body after a night of Finn being dominant in bed. Finn thought of the silk scarf he’d used as a blindfold on Poe last night, of the ties that had kept Poe’s arms above him as Finn had controlled and taken and devoured. It had been Poe’s birthday request, and how could Finn do anything but indulge his strong husband for the amount of work he’d done on his own mind in the last year. He couldn’t properly express in words the pride he felt in Poe, but he hoped he’d gotten the point across last night.

Poe’s fingers began to rub deeper, to massage his tense neck and back muscles, and Finn wondered if Poe knew he was awake. When Poe hit a particularly deep knot, Finn decided to leave the deception behind and gave in to a satisfied groan. “Poe,” he said on an exhale, long and drawn out as Poe began to massage in earnest.

“Good morning, Finn.” Finn felt Poe’s lips on the warm skin above the knot he’d just eased. “My love.” More kisses emphasizing the words.

The bed shifted as Poe rose over Finn’s body, and Finn made a move to turn over, but Poe protested by firmly pushing down on Finn’s shoulder. His whisper drifted into Finn’s ear. “Let me do this. After last night, after...everything, I want to- I need to repay you.”

“Believe me, baby, I’ve been paid in full.” But Finn lay back down, relaxing into Poe’s touches. He kept expecting Poe to dip lower, to turn the massage into an extension of last night’s play, but it seemed his husband was content with making Finn feel as boneless as possible.

With a final loving caress along Finn’s spine, Poe tapped his shoulder, and Finn turned over slowly to the sight of his husband leaning up on one elbow, eyes bright with happiness and desire, hair still tousled from the night, a mysterious yet sensual smile lighting up his face. It stole his breath, and the words tumbled out him. “I love you, Poe Dameron.”

“Thank God,” Poe replied, running his fingers over the slight morning stubble on Finn’s cheek. “I love you, too, Finn Smith.”

Finn closed his eyes, leaning a little into the caress. “Thank God.” He could happily exist in this moment forever. This moment of hanging potential, when neither of them had made a move toward making love but either of them could at any time. A moment of complete and utter contentment in the world, where nothing else could touch them.

“Where’d you go?” Poe’s voice was soft, still a little rough from last night.

Finn opened his eyes. “Very happily, nowhere. Just savoring here, now.”

Poe wrapped his arms around Finn, drawing him into an embrace that was not outwardly erotic for all that they were both naked and partially aroused. Their eyes were level with each other, their chests rising and falling together. “I have a very serious question to ask you, Mr. Smith,” Poe murmured, his lips’ brief smile betraying his earnestness. “Now that my birthday’s out of the way, you’ve got two months to decide what you’d like to do for yours.” Finn remained silent, for too long, apparently, because Poe rushed forward. “I’d just like - I’d like to make you as happy as you’ve made me. On your special day.”

Finn let a smile creep on his face. He had come a long way since the days of not wanting to celebrate his birthday. But last year, when the girls had been starting school, and Poe had been silently trying to deal with his issues by himself, Finn’s birthday had kind of been ignored. Oh, he’d gotten presents, of course, but it had sort of been a return to old habits, and Finn found that now he didn’t really want to celebrate. If he told Poe that, though, Poe would feel guilty for not making a big deal out of his birthday last year, and the last thing he wanted to do was remind Poe of the mental state he’d been in. He focused on Poe’s face, realized Poe was beginning to look increasingly vulnerable as Finn didn’t reply, and hurried to comfort him. “I’d like to do something, I just don’t know what.”

Poe draped an arm around Finn’s neck, drawing him close enough to kiss. “I know I didn’t do right by you for your last birthday.” For all that Poe and Finn had spent months not being able to communicate fully, it seemed like Poe was able to read his mind, now. “I’d like the chance to make up for it.”

Finn traced spirals on Poe’s back. “I’ll think about it, I promise.”

“Well, you could always ask for suggestions,” Poe offered.

Finn half-laughed, then thought about it. “Actually, maybe I should. But right now, I don’t want to think about it.” He worked his head into the crook of Poe’s neck, and they lay there, content in each other’s presence until they heard the burst of chaos downstairs signalling their girls’ arrival home.

**Mary’s Suggestion**

“Are you telling me Poe Damn-You-Fine is giving you carte blanche for your birthday?” Mary had come to pick up Rigo, who’d spent the day with Meghan and Amelia. Finn had relented, and Meghan was caring for Amelia from noon until after work this summer. In exchange, she promised not to protest when Finn and Poe took her used car shopping. From the outside it was a weird compromise, but it worked for them. Rigo had come today to help, mostly by playing soccer with Amelia, who was missing her league. While Mary waited for the teenagers to finish chatting in Meghan’s room, she leaned on the kitchen counter, watching Finn prepare dinner. “Poe Fucking Dameron is saying, ‘I will do anything for you.’”

“Well, I mean, within our budget, obviously. Not like I’m going to ask to go to Paris or something.”

Mary shook her head sadly at him. “Finn, honey, why are you thinking money? Fancy dinners, new tech, whatever. That’s for Christmas.” She walked closer to him, lowering her voice. “Poe  _ Fucking _ Dameron is offering to do anything for you.  Or  _ to  _ you. You should be thinking bedroom, my friend.”

Finn laughed. “Well, that’s not out of the realm of possibility, that’s what Poe wanted this year.”

Mary picked up a random piece of mail off the counter and fanned herself. “You  _ know  _ you cannot do that to me, Finn Smith-”

“What, I don’t get a cool middle name like ‘fucking’?”

She whacked him playfully on the arm with the letter. “Don’t drop hints about your sex life. My brain will short circuit. You are two are too damn sexy for me to be thinking about doing sexy things together.”

“What is it with straight girls and gay sex?”

Mary shrugged. “Dunno. Just, whatever you do, take this opportunity.  For  _ me,  _ Finn. Do it for me. Go fucking wild. And then don’t tell me about it afterwards or Edgar won’t sleep for a week.”

**Amelia and Meghan’s Suggestions**

Finn and Poe’s third anniversary was very unfortunately a market day, but to surprise his husband, Finn secretly took off from work, and he, Amelia, and Meghan prepared a picnic to carry over to the farm, so the four of them could eat as a family. As the girls began to unpack their food on one of the tables near the market building, Finn brought up his birthday. “What do you think I should do, ladies?”

Amelia’s eyes widened. She set down the bag of carrots she’d been holding and walked to him, grabbing his hand and looking up at him very seriously. “Daddy.”

She paused long enough that Finn prompted, “Yes?”

“Daddy. We. Could go. To Disneyland!” At the last word, her seriousness broke and she shook his hand up and down in excitement. “Molly’s grandparents took her to Disneyland for  _ her  _ birthday last year.”

Laughing, Finn opened a bag of chips to stall and think of a reply, but before he could, Meghan saved the day (or at least Finn) by grabbing Amelia from behind and swinging her around in a circle. Meghan set Amelia down, and she collapsed in giggles. Meghan rolled her eyes at Finn and he winked back.

“Hey, Ames, why don’t you go see if Dad is ready to take lunch. Or if he’s not, tell Nanalay to make him come out,” Meghan suggested, and Amelia was off. The teenager turned back to Finn. “You owe me. Although if you think that’s going to work to distract her in the long run, you should probably rethink that.”

Finn gave an exaggerated sigh to make Meghan laugh, and she did. “I know.”

“I think for your birthday, you and Dad should take off, go do something on your own.” Meghan swept a hand at the picnic spread. “It’s not very romantic to spend your anniversary with your kids.”

Poe’s voice came from behind them, and Finn felt arms wrap around his middle as Amelia ran by to take a seat at the table. “Marriage isn’t just about romance, Meghan. Our family wouldn’t be possible if Finn had never agreed to marry me, so why can’t we celebrate that today?”

Meghan blushed a little, but smiled, so obviously pleased at what Poe had said but fighting her teenage embarrassment, then turned to fix a plate for Amelia and give them a moment of privacy. Finn took advantage and leaned into his husband’s embrace, settling in and relaxing as they watched their girls. Finn pitched his voice so they wouldn’t overhear. “Keep talking like that, and you’ll be getting lucky tonight.”

“Mmm, already lucky.”

“Cheeseball.”

“Happy anniversary,” Poe whispered as he pressed a kiss below Finn’s ear.

“Daddies, come eat, Meghan and I made cookies! And we can talk about DisneyLand!”

“Happy anniversary,” Finn returned, laughing.

**Leia’s Suggestion**

“Have you and Poe ever tried tantric?”

**Anne’s Suggestion**

Finn made a sound that was something between a gasp, a cough, and a laugh.

“What?” Leia said, innocently. “Han and I-”

“Stop!” Finn gasped.

“What’s tantric, is it one of those hipster restaurants in Portland?” Anne asked, looking between them both.

“Oh my god, this is not happening.” Finn ran a hand over his hair.

Leia and Anne looked at him with dual “What did I say?” faces. Leia broke, though, laughing and turning to Anne. “I’ll tell you later, Annie.”

Finn groaned. Leia and Anne had the strangest Felix and Oscar Odd Couple relationship. He did  _ not  _ want to imagine Leia explaining sex methods to his straightedge mother.

Anne nodded, confused, then smiled at Finn. “Dinner in Portland, though, that would be nice. If you boys wanted to do that, we’d check in on the girls for you.”

**Snap and Elisa’s Suggestion**

Elisa accepted the cardboard boxes gratefully. “Thank you so much, Finn. Come on in.”

“No problem,” Finn said, walking inside the cottage. “The Law office always has lots of extra boxes for use.”

“We’re almost done with this part. Once I get the rest of Luis’ stuff packed up and over to the main house, they can start the expansion.”

“If the main house ever gets too crowded for you, you’re always welcome to come visit us.” Finn could handle Luis now that he was less a baby and more a little person who could kind of communicate what he wanted. “Anything I can do to help right now?”

“Keep me company until Snap gets back with lunch?  If I keep working on an empty stomach I may pass out.” Elisa collapsed into one of the kitchen chairs. “Thank God my mom took Luis so I could finish this today. So what’s new with you?”

Finn leaned against the windowsill and smiled. “Well, Poe wants me to do something big for my birthday this year. I mean, I’m turning 29, not 30, so maybe it shouldn’t be too big…”

“Remember the surprise party we had for you a few years back?  We should do something like that again. Or better yet, a barn party. Oh man, I haven’t sung in forever,” she said as Snap walked in.

“I distinctly remember your beautiful voice in the shower this morning, Lis.” Snap set down take out boxes on the kitchen table, then leaned over to kiss Elisa. “But I do love a barn party.  What are we celebrating?”

**Poe’s Suggestion**

Finn sighed as he finished up the paperwork he needed for an arbitration meeting the next day. The Labor Day barbecue, which also served as a summer’s ending celebration for the seasonal farm staff,  was already in full swing in their backyard, which meant Finn’s birthday was less than two weeks away, and he’d still made no decision.

As soon as he left the house, Poe greeted him by placing a beer in his hand. Finn sighed again. “Poe, I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what, baby?” Poe said somewhat distractedly as he glanced around the party, probably trying to see if any literal or figurative fires needed to be put out.

“What I want to do on my birthday. The votes came out tied for wild sex or a date night for the two of us.”

The ‘wild sex’ comment got Poe’s attention, and the grin on his face was downright sinful, Finn thought. “Well those could be combined easily enough.” He waggled his brows.

Finn grinned, bumping into him with his shoulder companionably. “Oh yeah, and Disneyland, don’t forget Disneyland.”

“So you’re telling me you’d like to have wild sex while on a date night at Disneyland.  Got it. Did you have a thing for Aladdin growing up too?”

This time Finn laughed, he couldn’t help it. “I’d  _ like  _ to spend it like a normal Saturday with you guys. Market in the morning, playing around with Amelia in the afternoon, talking with Meghan in the evening, and then, you know, the wild sex. Or the normal sex. Whatever.”

Poe looked him in the eyes. “If it’s what you want, babe, then it sounds perfect to me.”

**Finn’s Birthday**

Buli twitched her tail, sniffing the air as she padded through the living room and down the front hall. Her pride was all gone, had been gone for hours. Normally when she woke up from her second afternoon nap, the Tall Ones were home and making food for the Short Ones.

She scampered up the stairs to check their dens, even though she could hear no one. The Master’s bedroom was empty. Thinking of the Master made Buli purr a little. He was the first member of her pride, the first thing she could remember. The Master had been very happy recently, Buli could smell it. Maybe that was because the Master’s mate, Curls, had been spending more time in bed with the Master and less time on the couch downstairs.

The Pale One’s bedroom was similarly empty.  She was the newest of their pride, and Buli could sense that she wasn’t really a cat person. She gave Buli nice pets when Buli rubbed her legs, though, so it was okay.

Buli saved the best for last, hopping up on the Little One’s bed to sniff in comfort. The Master may be her oldest pridemate, but Buli loved Little One the best. Buli purred again, then circled herself into a tight ball on the bedspread. She hoped her pride would be home soon.

It was dark when Buli woke to the sound of a car outside. She stood, stretching, then raced downstairs to listen for which door her pride would be coming in.  The front door!

When it opened, Buli was sitting there, meowing and ready for pets. She was disappointed when it wasn’t a member of her pride, though it was several members of Buli’s list of Approved Others.  Buli would not need to run and hide.

The others greeted Buli, and bundled some packages into the living room.  Buli sniffed them, making sure they didn’t contain any surprises that might hurt her pride. The others began unpacking, and Buli was shooed away several times when she tried to cheek-mark the contents. Sullen, she sat and shot a leg out to wash herself.

Another car! Buli ran back to the front door, waiting patiently. She sniffed. Yes!  That was Little One, just there on the other side of the door. She meowed loudly in greeting as the door finally opened and her whole pride came through. She nimbly stepped out of the way of Pale One, who was also carrying packages, and Little One picked her up, and Little One was whispering her name and telling her she was a good girl and Buli was kneading in ecstasy. Over Little One’s shoulder, she saw Curls come in, holding the door open for the Master. The Master was not alone, though. He was holding the hand of a small one, smaller than Little One, and Buli could smell the fear coming off of this new small one in waves from here.

“It’s okay, Caleb. You’re going to be staying with us for a while, okay?” Master said.  Reluctantly, the new small one stepped over the threshold. Buli would have to verify his scent, add him to the list of Approved Others, but that could come later. Right now, she rubbed her head into Little One’s neck, Buli’s scent on her distressingly light because she’d been gone all day.

As Little One carried Buli back to the living room, petting her all the while, Buli heard Curls say to the Master, “How was that for a normal Saturday? Happy birthday, babe.”


	37. Meeting Caleb - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the Smith-Damerons are at the Farmer's Market celebrating Finn's birthday, they come across a lost little boy.

“Happy birthday Daddy!” Amelia’s yell as she burst into the room woke both Finn and Poe up, Finn bolting upright, his heart pounding. He willed himself to relax his fatherly instincts.

“Morning, sweet pea.” Finn mumbled, yawning, as Amelia was climbing onto the bed and Poe was still processing the change from asleep to awake. To Amelia’s credit, it  _ was _ light outside.

Finn felt Poe’s arm wrap around his shoulders as he finally pulled himself up to a seated position. Poe’s warm voice was somewhere in the vicinity of his ear. “What do you think, Amelia? Should we eat breakfast here or get something from a food cart at the market?”

Finn burst out laughing as Amelia’s face immediately lit up with enthusiasm and Finn was sure she was going to say ‘food cart,’ but then she very obviously schooled her face into a serene expression and looked at him. “Daddy should get to choose, it’s his birthday.”

His little girl -  _ already a first grader, how? -  _ was growing up. “Well then, I think we should all have a snack here, just one cheese stick, Amelia, don’t give me that face, and then we can go eat at the market, too.”

“What’s the status on Aunt Jess, Auntie Rey, and Meghan?  Any of them awake yet?” Poe asked Amelia, who had a sixth sense for that kind of thing.

“I heard voices in the guest bedroom but I don’t think Meghan’s up yet.” Amelia was scooting off the bed, heading toward the door. “I’ll go brush my teeth and get dressed!”

“Was that really our little girl?” Finn’s voice was filled with a kind of amazement.

“Definitely still Amelia. I can tell because she blocked you from getting your birthday head this morning.” Poe placed a quick kiss on his cheek as Finn groaned in disappointment.

Finn threw back the covers and got out of the bed, shuffling toward the master bathroom. He was part way through shaving when Poe came in, shutting the door behind him and locking it. Finn raised an eyebrow, pulse already picking up a bit at the look on Poe’s face. He hurriedly toweled his face off, turning to lean against the counter as Poe caged him in.

“I think I bought us some time for our birthday tradition after all. Rey’s taking care of Amelia. But you’re going to have to stay quiet.” Poe was already lowering to his knees, hooking fingers under the waistband of Finn’s boxers. He looked up at Finn, biting his lip, and the sight of Poe’s mouth so near him made Finn instantly hard. “Think you can do that, baby?”

Finn nodded, words having completely left him. Poe chuckled. “Yeah, right.” As he applied his mouth to the task, Finn found himself agreeing with his husband.

\--------------------------

The Farmer’s Market was already bustling by the time they got there. Meghan steered Jess away to show her something, and probably to catch up, as Rey and Jess had showed up for Finn’s birthday weekend late the night before. Poe was immediately stopped by a colleague, some question about water tables and late autumn pest control or something, which happened every week. For Poe, the market was more a time for social networking. Rey, Finn and Amelia thus partnered off, Amelia favoring Rey with her hand for the moment. They meandered once around the market, to see what was there that week, and ended in the line for breakfast burritos. Finn hooked an arm around Rey’s waist, and she smiled, leaning into him. “Hi, Trooper,” she said.

“Hi, Princess.” He didn’t get to see Rey nearly as often as he’d like to, one of the sacrifices he’d made in order to start a family. But she was his oldest friend, and it didn’t matter how long they’d been separated, they always came back together like this easily, without reservation. She’d been the first real family he’d had, and he hers, and neither time nor distance could change that.

When they had their burritos, Finn snagged a table in the small seating area, and noticed that Amelia was sizing up her burrito and then looking away, back and forth. Finally, she asked Finn, “Daddy, could you cut my burrito in half?”

“Sure, sweet pea.”

She took both halves of her burrito and walked a short distance in the direction she’d been looking, calling over her shoulder, “I’ll be right back Daddy, Auntie Rey.”

“Uh, does she normally do that?” Rey asked, sitting up a little straighter to follow Amelia’s progress.

“No.” Finn’s eyes traced the path of Amelia’s black pigtails, watching her stop in front of a park bench on which sat a little boy, smaller than Amelia. She pointed to the bench, the boy nodded, and Amelia sat down beside him. She offered him half of the burrito, and he seemed reluctant, but she insisted, and he broke, taking it from her and immediately biting off a healthy portion.

“Is that a friend from school?”

Finn shook his head, keeping an eye on his girl. “I’m not sure, but he looks too small. I don’t even remember Amelia being that small. Where are his parents?” The children were eating and chatting, although from here Finn could tell that Amelia was holding most of the conversation, and wasn’t that interesting? He took a bite of his own burrito, still watching the kids and scanning the adults to see if anyone was going to come claim the boy. He and Rey talked idly while they watched Amelia slowly charm the boy. Finally, Amelia took his empty wrapper, balled it up with hers, and held out her hand, nodding in Finn’s direction. The little boy nodded back, taking her hand, and they made their way to Finn and Rey.

“Daddy, Auntie Rey, this is Caleb,” Amelia started.

“Hi, Caleb,” Finn said quietly, so as not to scare the boy. Caleb had the amber skin, soft brown curls, and angelic features of a mixed race child. At least, Finn thought he would, if he had a bath. Right now, the boy was pretty grubby, his hair greasy, his features scared.

Caleb didn’t reply, but looked at Amelia, who nodded. “Daddy, Caleb can’t find his mama.  Can we help?”

“Of course we can do that,” Finn replied, standing. “Let’s start at Lost and Found.”

“Can I do anything?” Rey asked, urgently. She had a soft spot for children, for all that she and Jess had decided not to have any.

Finn grinned at her humorlessly. “Yeah, stick with me. If you’re here, maybe I won’t get accused of kidnapping.” Rey’s eyes widened at the thought, but she nodded. It had happened before with Amelia, sometimes at the park or the supermarket. Once, some busybody had called the police on him, though the police had politely listened to Amelia talk about her daddies long enough for them to get the picture. Finn took Amelia’s hand, and Amelia took Caleb’s, and Rey took Finn’s, taking her new job seriously.

Finn led them to the market administration booth, where he raised a hand in greeting. “Hey, Judith.”

A young African American woman looked up and smiled. “Hey Finn!” She came around the table and hugged him, then crouched. “Hi, Amelia, how are you this week?  Excited to be back in school? Who’s this?” Not pausing, Judith looked up at Finn. “Did you guys adopt again?” Finn liked Judith, because her outbursts could give Finn’s a run for his money.

“Uh, no, actually, Caleb seems to be lost. Has anyone reported a missing child?” Finn remembered the time he’d been separated from Amelia in Powell’s, and he and Poe had searched frantically, only to find her tucked up in a random corner with a book. Or when Meghan had taken the train to Washington. He hoped he could save someone else the same panic and heartache.

“Uh oh, sweetie. When did you last see your parents?”

“Mama,” the boy corrected, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

“Okay,” Judith said easily. “When did you last see your mama?” The boy pointed in the direction they’d come, which was more a where than a when, and Finn wondered exactly how young Caleb actually was. Judith turned around, grabbing a radio. “Hey, Jasmin, we’re going to see where he last saw his mom. If anyone comes to report a missing kid, radio me.”

They set off, still connected by hands, and Caleb led them back to the bench where Amelia had fed him. “Mama told me ‘stay here.’” He climbed back up on the bench, tugging Amelia up with him.

“How long ago was that?” Judith asked, and Finn shook his head. They weren’t going to get an answer out of him that made any sense. To toddlers, ten minutes and five hours were both an eternity.

Finn was proven right when Caleb answered, “long, like, five minutes.” Caleb had been in Finn’s sight for the last 20 minutes.

Finn turned to his daughter. “When did you first see him here, Amelia?”

“When we first walked in, he was sitting here. And then I saw him while you were looking at bread. He was asking the baker for something to eat, and the baker made him go away.”

Caleb began crying in earnest now. He said a jumble of words, Finn making out “sorry,” “bench,” “hungry,” and “baker.” Caleb took a small breath. “Mama said, wait here, watch the people set up.”

Finn exchanged a look with Judith. The booths set up early in the morning. If Caleb had been here since then, he’d been alone for hours now. “Caleb, how did you get to the market this morning?”

“Mama brought me.”

“Did you guys walk from your house? Did you take the bus? Were you in a car?” Finn asked calmly, while inside his blood was beginning to run cold. Who didn’t report a child missing for hours?

Caleb nodded. "A car.”

“Do you remember which direction that was?” Caleb nodded, and they began walking again.

Finn turned to Rey, and lowered his voice so the kids wouldn’t hear. “Hey, can you tell Poe what we’re doing, maybe find Jess and Meghan? I’m not sure what’s going on, but I don’t think it’s going to be good.”

“Sure, trooper,” she replied, looking relieved to be given a mission, and she peeled off from the group.

Caleb led them down the block, where he stopped at a beat up Honda hatchback. “This is my car.”

Finn peered inside, where it became incredibly clear that someone, or Finn supposed, at least two someones, had been living. The car was empty of Caleb’s mama or anyone else, though. Judith exchanged a knowing look with him. “I think we need to call the police.” She spoke low, but Caleb still overheard, and broke free from Amelia’s hand.

“No police! They mean! No, no, no!” He began to run away from them, and Finn, terrified that he’d run right into the street, caught up with him quickly and bundled him into his arms, kicking and screaming. “No! No! No! No!” Caleb continued to shout, beating Finn with tiny fists, but Finn had him locked in his arms.

“Do it,” Finn said to Judith above Caleb’s struggles, as Amelia looked on with an anxious expression on her face.  Judith turned away, pulling out a cellphone. “It’s going to be okay.” Finn tried to soothe both Caleb and Amelia, maybe himself, too. “It’s going to be okay,” he repeated, making a shushing sound and rocking Caleb in his arms. He began to hum, some melody he’d heard Poe play, and it worked, Caleb quieting his squirming, instead burying his head in Finn’s chest and sobbing. The boy really was so tiny, and smelled like he’d had an accident, or several. As Finn loosened his grip, ran his hand down the boy’s back, he realized that no, Caleb was still in diapers. “Amelia, see if the door is open. Caleb needs a new diaper.”

Amelia tried the door and it popped open. She was used to helping Elisa with Luis, and stuck her head in, wrinkling her nose a bit. “I don’t see any diapers, Daddy.”

He didn’t really want Amelia to climb in and search, so he replied, “It’s okay, sweet pea. I’ll figure something out.”

He almost cried out in relief when he saw Poe striding up to them. Judith turned around at the same time, delivering her news. “The po- the people will meet us here.”

“What’s going on?” Poe asked, stopping by Finn’s side and peering down at Caleb, who was still burrowing into Finn’s t-shirt.

“Did Rey explain?”

“What she knew.”

“Do me a favor? Call Avery and put it on speaker phone,” Finn said, referring to the Child Protective Services caseworker that had worked both Amelia and Meghan’s cases. “I can explain to both of you at the same time.”

To Avery’s credit, she arrived minutes after the police did, right in the middle of the second freakout Caleb had had, this one triggered by the sight of the cop car and uniforms. Instead of beating Finn or trying to struggle and run away, though, Caleb flattened himself against Finn, trying to be as close to him as possible while he went into hysterics. Finn was relieved when Avery showed up dressed in casual clothes, flashing her CPS ID at the uniforms, who’d stepped back and given Finn room. One of them had knelt, and was showing Amelia a magic trick involving money appearing out of her ear, which Amelia thought was amazing. Rey, Jess, and Meghan had arrived, and were quietly conversing with the other cop to give Caleb time to calm down.

“I’m supposed to bring you cases, guys, not the other way around,” Avery said by way of greeting to Finn and Poe.

“This is Caleb,” Finn replied, angling his body so she could see the part of the boy’s face that wasn’t buried in Finn’s shirt.

“Hey, Caleb. My name’s Avery. How about we sit down over there, give Finn a rest?” Avery nodded to some steps leading up to a duplex.

“Finn comes? And Amelia?” Caleb mumbled against Finn's chest.

“Sure thing.” Avery and Finn walked to the stairs, and Finn eased Caleb slowly away from his body, to sit him on a step between he and Avery.  Poe brought Amelia over. “Can Poe stay?” Avery asked Caleb. He nodded. Amelia held out her hand, and Caleb grabbed it. Poe sat to block Caleb’s view of the street, and the cops, and Finn noticed that one of the officers used that positioning to move close enough to be able to listen and take notes without freaking Caleb out again. Finn, Amelia and Caleb repeated their story, Caleb adding the detail that he’d never been here before, that last night they’d slept by the water somewhere.

“Caleb, will you stay here with Amelia for just a moment?” Avery pulled Poe and Finn a few feet away, and Finn noted that Meghan went over to join Amelia now, introducing herself. He had such good girls.

The officer who had been taking notes came to join the circle, and he spoke first. “We need to take him into the station, see if he’s ever been fingerprinted for one of those anti-kidnapping campaigns.”

Avery nodded. “I don’t think he’ll go without Finn and Amelia. He’s latched himself on pretty well there.”

“What’s going to happen?” Poe asked, upset showing in his eyes though his voice was cool and calm.

“My partner ran the plates, so we most likely have a name and description. Finding a specific woman among the transient population of Salem is going to be difficult, but we can put out an APB for her,” the officer replied.

“But what if they don’t find her today? Or what if they find her, and…” Finn trailed off, unwilling to voice the idea that Caleb’s mom was dead somewhere. “What will happen to Caleb tonight?”

Avery responded. “I’ll find a foster situation for him. Even if we do find the mom today, there’s going to have to be an investigation. Caleb’s not going to be able to avoid a little fostering.”

Finn exchanged a look with Poe, willing him to be using his psychic marriage powers to pick on on his drift. “We’re foster parents. I mean, we’re still certified.” Poe nodded, and Finn felt a surge of love and gratefulness in him. He reached out and Poe grabbed his hand, squeezing.

Avery looked at them sharply. “You know it’s not the same, Finn. Fostering. It’s just temporary. You guys won’t get to keep Caleb, I mean, if everything goes well, like we should all want it to, you don’t get to keep him. He doesn’t get to join your family.” Finn and Poe were silent. “Listen, let’s go to the station, see if we can match up all of our information and get an ID on him. It’ll give you time to think about it.”

The group broke up, Finn and Poe moving to talk to Jess and Rey. “Poe and I are going to have to go to the station, probably along with Amelia, if Caleb wants her and she’s willing. But could you guys take Meghan and do a little shopping run for us? At the very least he could use diapers and a new set of clothes. I’d guess he’s two and a half, maybe three. I don’t know, he seems a little bigger than Luis and a little smaller than Amelia when we first met her.” Not knowing Caleb’s size was apparently the last thing Finn needed to set off his frustration, and his hands clenched into fists. “God damn it.”

Rey took his hands, pressing down on the knuckles to get him to loosen the fists. She looked him in the eyes. “We’ll do it, Finn. It’s going to be okay.”

Jess nodded succinctly. “Hey, on the clothes, we’ll buy what we think looks a little big.” Rey smiled at her, and they collected Meghan and took off.

Convincing Caleb to go with Avery in her car took about twenty minutes. In the end, Finn had to agree to ride in the back seat with him, where Caleb could keep an eye on him from his car seat. He watched Poe strap Amelia into hers, and they both followed the officers to the police station. Caleb was shaking at the sight of the station by the time Finn unstrapped him from his seat. He held Caleb close, absorbing the vibrations from the little body.

“Poe, can you grab my hoodie?” Finn called to his husband, after Poe helped Amelia climb out of the car. Amelia’s face brightened and she leaned back in, grabbing the hoodie herself and bringing it over.

“Here you go, Daddy!”

“Thank you, sweet pea, you’re such a good helper,” Finn murmured, Amelia grinning up at him with a pleased expression. He used the hoodie to cover Caleb. “There you go, little man, you’re safe now.” He hoped that blocking Caleb’s sight would calm him down, and the vibrations did seem to lessen.

Avery asked them to wait in the lobby, and when she returned, she brought along a middle-aged Latino man in civilian clothing. “Detective Hernandez has a place we can take Caleb that will be a little less scary for him while we get his fingerprints.” Finn nodded, grateful.

The detective led them to a room with two couches and some chairs. He began to shut the blinds so the bullpen beyond was cut off from sight. “It’s an interview room,” he explained, “for when we don’t need the handcuffs and the steel table and the two way mirror.” He smiled at them.

Finn uncovered Caleb, who took a peek around the room, and Finn felt him relax marginally against his chest.

“Hey, little buddy. My name’s Fred. How do you feel about doing a little finger painting?” Detective Hernandez said to Caleb.

“Ohhhh, Daddy, can I do some finger painting too?” Amelia squealed, tugging on Poe’s hand.

“Sure, girlie. Let’s do you first, so you can show your buddy here that it’s fun.”  The detective sat Amelia down and showed her all of the fingerprinting supplies. “Now, outside, I’ve got a big machine that can taken digital fingerprints so you don’t have to get ink on your hands.  But we’re going to do this the old fashioned way today.”

Finn sat beside them, and slowly, Caleb leaned away from his body to get a better view of what Amelia was doing. For her part, Amelia was having a grand time, giggling and oooing over her prints, and holding up her fingers to show her daddies, and really, Finn couldn’t have asked her to put on a better performance. By the time Detective Hernandez was done with her fingers, Caleb had climbed off of Finn’s lap and was standing, waiting for his turn.

Finn took advantage of the free time to cross the room to Poe. He didn’t need to ask Poe for reassurance that this was all okay, he could read it on his husband’s face. But he did need to ask one thing. “Do you think we’ll be able to do it? Give him up when we have to?”

“I’ll be honest, it will probably break my heart,” Poe replied. Finn nodded. The truth was, they both knew about themselves that they gave their hearts to children in need very quickly. Avery was probably right that a traditional foster situation would wreck them.  Poe took a deep breath as he watched Amelia high five Caleb with their inky fingers. “But if we give him up, make him go to someone else, someone he doesn’t know…”

“Logically, I know that Avery’s going to find the best placement she can for him. But what if that’s us?”

“I think we should talk to the girls, especially Amelia, before we make a decision,” Poe reasoned. Finn nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly.

Detective Hernandez stood, saying to the adults, “I’ll go get this stuff processing. It’s going to take longer because it’s actual ink.”

“How long?”

“A few hours. We’ve got the APB out, but this might help us locate other family. It’s kind of a long shot, though,” the detective warned before exiting. Avery stepped out to make some phone calls.

Poe turned back to the kids. He reached into the messenger bag one of them always carried with Amelia’s emergency medical supplies and pulled out a pack of cards. “Okay, who wants to play Go Fish?”

Amelia’s eyes lit up and she clapped, turning to Caleb to say, “Oh, this is so fun, you’re going to love it.”

But when Finn sat down, Caleb immediately climbed back into his lap. “How about Caleb and I play on a team, okay sweet pea?” Finn replied.

It wasn’t too much longer before Rey, Jess and Meghan arrived, bearing supplies. “Okay,” Rey said, huffing out a breath, “One outfit, we went with a 3T. And there was a lady in the diaper aisle, when we described Caleb’s size, she thought these would work.” She set down the shopping bag and sat in a chair. “Go Fish, huh?”

Finn grabbed the bag, swinging Caleb to his hip. “Hey, Caleb, we’re going to go by the police officers. Do you want me to put the hoodie back on you?” Caleb shook his head. “Okay, we’re going to see if we can clean up a bit.”

“I’ll come with,” Poe offered, taking the shopping bag from Finn as Finn nodded.

The moment they stepped outside the room, Caleb buried his face in Finn’s shirt again.  Finn flagged down the nearest officer. “Hey, do you guys have a shower or a big sink, anything like that?”

“Uh, there’s a shower in the locker room. Some sinks in there, too.” He pointed a direction, and Finn thanked him.

Finn was grateful to find that the shower had a built in soap dispenser. “Okay, Caleb, it’s not going to be the best, but it’ll work.” Poe got the water going as he began to strip the boy, leaving the clothes in a pile on the floor, a dead loss. Underneath, he discovered that Caleb was wearing a diaper fashioned out of a cloth onesie, and he stripped that off too, adding it to the pile. Considering the shower, he decided to take his t-shirt off, since it would definitely also need to be washed now.

Finn picked Caleb up and put him in the shower, Poe handing him handfuls of liquid soap down from the tall dispenser, and he scrubbed away the layer of grime, the mess from his diaper, the grease in his hair. Caleb withstood it remarkably well, even turning his face up into the spray and smiling a bit. “Fun!” he said when he looked back at Finn.

Poe shut the water off and Finn realized he had a problem. “Shit, a towel.”

“Shit,” Caleb repeated, and Finn’s eyes bulged as Poe searched around the room for something to use and laughed at Finn.

Caleb was beginning to shiver when Poe exclaimed, “Here!” and tossed him a small hand towel he’d found on a bench.

“Sorry, little man. This’ll have to do,” Finn murmured as he gently dried Caleb off, wrapping Caleb’s springy hair up in a twist that made Caleb giggle. “‘Kay, diaper me!” Poe handed him a diaper, and Finn was suddenly grateful for the practice he’d gotten babysitting Luis. “Clothing,” Finn said, and soon Caleb was dressed in little blue sweatpants and a top that said, ‘I have the best aunt.’ Finn burst out laughing as soon as he saw it. “Who do you think chose it, Rey or Jess?”

“I think whomever did, it shows they support us no matter what,” Poe said as he handed Finn a pair of socks. When Finn himself shivered in the air conditioning, pants slightly wet from the shower, Poe unbuttoned his shirt and offered it to him, leaving Poe in just a white tank. One of the advantages of marrying a man about the same height as you, Finn mused, was being able to share clothes in a pinch.

Being clean had a sedative effect on Caleb, and by the time they returned to the interview room, he was struggling to keep his eyes open. Finn laid him down on one of the couches, and he curled into a little ball around himself and shut his eyes.

Finn leaned over to give Rey a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you so much,” he whispered. “Would you and Jess mind staying here while we talk to Meghan and Amelia?”

“Anything, Finn, you don’t even have to ask,” Rey whispered back.

“I know, that’s why I love you, princess.”

Poe and Finn took the girls outside, where the strolled along the sidewalk for a bit. Finn wasn’t really sure how to start the conversation, but of course Amelia beat him to the punch. “Daddy, is Caleb going to come home with us?”

“Well, nugget, that’s why we brought you out here, to ask you guys,” said Poe. “If they can’t find Caleb’s mom, he’s going to need a place to stay.”

“Can he be my brother?  Molly has a brother but he’s older and she says he’s mean but maybe because Caleb’s little, he won’t be mean?”

Finn sucked in a breath. “Well…”

Meghan cut in this time. “He might have to go back, that's what they're worried about, Amelia,” she said bluntly, and Finn thought he could hear a tinge of anger in her voice.

“Back?” asked Amelia.

Meghan answered. “Back to his mom. Who left him alone for hours, starving-”

“We don’t know the circumstances,” Poe said calmly.

“Oh, screw that.” Meghan turned around, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk.

“He’d only go back to his mom if Avery said it was okay.” Finn tried to walk the line between defusing Meghan and making his explanation simple enough for Amelia. “She wouldn’t let him go back to a bad situation.”

“And how long did I have to stay in that group home before I took matters into my own hands?” Meghan’s eyes were shiny, and her anger made them savage.

“As much as we’d like to, we can’t just keep him,” Poe said. “There’s a process. He’s not a pet, abandoned in our driveway.”

Meghan threw her hands up in the air. “No, just abandoned!”

“Daddy?” Amelia was tugging on his pant leg.

“Yeah, Amelia?” Finn replied, as Meghan stopped pacing to look at her.

“So, until they find his mom, Caleb needs a place to stay.”

If only it were that simple. “Yeah.”

“Like Elisa and Snap and Luis needed a place to stay while their house got bigger, so they stayed with Nan and Nanalay.”

“Kind of, yeah.”

“Daddy, do you know why I gave Caleb half of my burrito?” Finn, Poe, and Meghan shook their heads. “Because you and Daddy told me, you told me, if you see someone that needs help, and you can help them, you should do it.  So if Caleb needs a place to stay, and we have a place to stay, we should do it, right?”

“And if they find his mom, and we never see Caleb again, you’ll be okay with that?” Poe asked.  Meghan scoffed.

“I’d be sad, but I’d be proud, too, ‘cause I did what you guys said.”

Even Meghan had nothing to say to that, although Finn knew she was still upset. She had every right to be; at the moment, Finn was having a hard time bringing himself around to the idea of being mindful of those ‘circumstances’ Poe mentioned.

As they began to walk back to the station, Poe pulled out his car keys. “Listen, it’s after 2. Why don’t Meghan and I go grab some sustenance for the rest of the troops.” Meghan nodded, stalking off to the car. “I’ll drive around a bit, let her vent it out,” he said quietly as he leaned in for a kiss.

“You’re the best, and I love you.”

Inside, Finn let Amelia play on his phone while Caleb continued his afternoon nap. Eventually Poe and Meghan returned with Hawaiian plate lunch for everyone, and they munched in silence. The smell of the food woke Caleb up, though, and he sat between Finn and Amelia, eating off of Finn’s plate with his hands.

Finally, Avery returned with Detective Hernandez. “No luck yet,” the Detective broke quickly to their eager faces. “But we found a file in a different jurisdiction that mentioned the mother having a kid about 12 months ago.  At the time, they estimated he was about a year.”

“He’s two? He’s only two?”  _ He’s only two, and she left him on a bench in the middle of a fucking farmer’s market? _

Detective Hernandez shrugged carelessly, and Finn wondered what other things he must have seen to be able to do so. “It’s our best guess.”

Avery checked her watch. “At this point, it would be best to move Caleb into a foster home.”

Finn looked at Poe. Finn had been the one to broach the subject earlier. Now he wanted Poe to confirm. “We want to take him with us, we will be happy to foster him temporarily.”

“Temporarily. You understand, right?” Avery asked, a worried look on her face.

“He needs a place to stay, and we have a place to stay,” Poe replied, smiling at Amelia as he said it.

“You know that I think you two are amazing parents, but-”

Finn reached out to put a hand on Avery’s shoulder. “We’ll be okay. We can do this.”

“Okay.” Avery released a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll go work the paperwork up, bring it to you at home?”

“Wait, we don’t have a car seat for him,” Finn said in a panic.

“We could go get one,” Jess offered, holding Rey’s hand.

“Yeah,” Rey agreed, “We could go get whatever you need."

“Okay, how about I take Caleb to my office in my car, you guys follow, and you two meet us there with a car seat?” Avery checked her watch again. “Maybe we can all get home before dark.”

They didn’t, of course. After the paperwork was cleared and everyone was situated in their proper car seat, the group realized that Caleb needed a place to sleep, and probably more clothes. The girls went a little wild in the clothing department, and Finn let them, figuring he’d keep the tags on everything and return whatever they didn’t use. They got him a little pop up crib, and some other items a frantic text sent to Elisa elicited as ‘necessary for a two year old.’ When they finally piled everything into the two vehicles, it was dark.

After Finn had coaxed Caleb into the house, he followed Amelia into the living room to meet Buli, and Poe grabbed Finn by the waist, pulling him into his embrace. “How was that for a normal Saturday? Happy birthday, babe.”

“God, I completely forgot,” Finn admitted.

“You know what this means?” Poe leaned in to place a kiss on Finn’s cheek.

“What?” Finn closed his eyes, enjoying the brief moment of relaxation.

“We’re going to have to do a do-over on your birthday. You’ll have to decide all over again what you want to do.”

Finn groaned, punishing Poe with a swat on the butt. “Don’t you dare.” They leaned in together, sharing a sweet kiss.

Bedtime proved a difficult affair. The only place the pop up crib would fit was in Poe and Finn’s bedroom, and though Finn doubted it could be less comfortable than sleeping in a car, Caleb was restless. It seemed he’d left behind his Sheepie, and he couldn’t go to sleep without his Sheepie, and he was making that well known to everyone in the house. Finn was trying to reason with him, pat his back, anything to get him to calm down, when Amelia brought in her stuffed lion, the one they’d bought her during her first weekend with them. “You can borrow Lion, Caleb. He’ll protect you from nightmares.”

The tears miraculously stopped flowing, and Caleb hugged Lion to his chest, hiccuping still. He lay down, sucking on his binkie. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and backed out of the room quietly.

\----------------------------

The next morning, Finn and Rey worked in the kitchen to prepare a big breakfast for everyone. They’d survived the night, and Finn felt like celebrating. He let everyone else think it was a celebration for his birthday.

As they sat around the table, eating eggs, bacon, and biscuits, the conversations were boisterous, and Finn found himself glancing down at Caleb to see if he was handling it okay.  He was, though Finn thought it was mostly because he was in awe.

The conversation came to a halt, though, when Finn’s phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number. “Hello?”

“Mr. Smith? This is Detective Hernandez. We’ve located Caleb’s mother.”


	38. Keeping Caleb - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb's mother is found, but not in good condition. 
> 
> CW: referenced suicide attempt, referenced sexual assault

Poe wanted to hold onto his anger, to feel no sympathy for a woman who'd abandoned her child, despite what he'd said to Meghan yesterday. By the end of Detective Hernandez’s story, oh, he was angry alright, but not at Celia Stevens. No, by the time he'd heard everything, he was vibrating in his anger at…who? Who could he blame? All because of the way Detective Hernandez had very casually said that, without the kid, without Caleb, Celia’s story was all too typical for a veteran. Mental health issues, homelessness, suicide attempts, they were a plague among veterans, the detective explained. Poe didn't need this explanation. He may have been blacklisted from all veteran benefits after his less than honorable discharge, but he had squadmates that hadn't survived coming home. He'd had Leia and the farm, and he and Snap had helped each other, so he'd survived. He didn't need the explanation, but he was pissed at how casually Detective Hernandez gave it anyway.

“Having the kid probably compounded her problems,” the detective continued. They were in their living room, just Finn, Poe, and Hernandez. Jess and Rey had departed for Washington, and Finn had asked Meghan and Amelia to take Caleb upstairs to play while the detective was here.

Finn placed a hand on his knee, because of course he could sense the tension in Poe’s body. “Is she...okay? Er, will she be okay?” Finn asked tentatively.

“She's in a coma, right now. The rope broke after she had already passed out, and she was discovered by some good sams quickly. Faster than you guys found Caleb yesterday, actually, but she was a Jane Doe until this morning. The doctors haven't been able to determine what kind of damage the lack of oxygen did to her brain. Though honestly the fact that she’s alive is probably the best possible outcome already.”

Finn shuddered out a breath next to him. “Thank you for telling us. I know you didn’t have to do that.”

“Avery swore up and down by you guys, and Avery’s word holds a lot of sway with me, with the other guys in the department. She’s good at what she does.”

Finn nodded. “She is.”

“She’ll work with you guys, keep you posted from here, figure out what’s best for the kid.” It annoyed Poe that the detective didn’t call him Caleb. But maybe everything was destined to annoy Poe right now.

He held himself back as they rose, as Finn accompanied Hernandez to their front door. He turned away, not trusting himself to hold the venom in, and found himself moving to the window, gripping the windowsill as he stared out at the land.  _ His  _ land, for all that most of what he could see from his window was owned by Leia. About a month ago, Leia had told him casually over tea that she was leaving him the farm, the land, the business, all of it.  _ ‘I want to give it to the person who’s earned it,’  _ she’d said, and when Poe had pushed her to talk about Ben, she’d simply changed the subject.

Out there he felt sure of himself, he knew what he was doing, and when, and knew what possibilities he wanted to explore. He had a five year plan, hell, a ten year plan for that land. Even last year, when he’d been in emotional turmoil over the possibility of his own death, the land had soothed him, because he knew it would continue to grow and bloom plentifully, even in his absence.

Finn moved beside him, covering one of his clenched hands on the windowsill, rubbing at Poe’s wedding ring, as was his habit. He knew Finn was going to ask, knew Finn  _ would  _ ask now rather than letting it fester in Poe, knew Finn finally trusted him again to share, and not conceal. So he stepped in before his husband could, simply saying, “That could be me.”

He tore his gaze away from the fields and turned to Finn, saw that Finn understood perfectly, and wasn’t that just a further piece of the puzzle that had somehow miraculously formed to make sure that Poe didn’t end up another “all too typical” veteran? Of course Finn understood, he came from a military family after all, his best friend a pilot. “It’s not,” Finn said simply.

“Without Snap, without Leia, without this job...without you… that could be me.” He turned back to the land, seeing the possibilities, already adjusting his ten year plan. “Finn, regardless of what happens to Celia, or Caleb, I need to do something. Now that I can show my face at a veteran’s support group, or meeting, or hell, ice cream social, I need to do something. I had support and I survived. I want to- I need to help others survive, too. Somehow.”

“You know I’m 100% by your side, every step of the way.” Poe let Finn gather him into his arms, accepted the warm embrace as Finn touched his forehead to Poe’s. “Whatever your idea is, I’ll do whatever I can.”

They stood there, breathing in sync, until Meghan came down to get some water.

\----------------------------------------

Poe watched the machines that monitored Celia, that kept her alive for the moment. She was a tiny thing, engulfed by the hospital bed, and she looked so, so young. Practically still a teenager, even though her paperwork put her at twenty-three. Twenty-three, the age Finn had been when Poe first met him. He wondered where she'd served, if she'd been one of the countless women who'd been sexually assaulted in the military, if that was the root of her problems. He wondered why she had no family here, sitting by her side and holding her hand and talking her through her coma. He wondered, if Poe and Finn had taken her in when she was a kid, if they could have changed her trajectory.

Finn didn't know he was here, because while Finn could be understanding, he’d formed a strong attachment to Caleb already. Poe thought that maybe Finn would see it as a breach of loyalty to even visit Celia. To Finn, it was still black and white: she'd abandoned her son, relinquished her rights. Poe was caught in the gray.

He stopped a nurse. “Did she have anything on her when they found her?”

“Just the picture,” he replied, nodding at the table beside her bed. “The one that helped ID her, I guess.”

Poe moved to look at it. The photo was beat up from two years of being carried around. It featured Celia, looking even younger, her dark skin unhealthily pale, exhausted, looking down at the newborn Caleb as if she wasn't quite sure she was prepared for this. And maybe she hadn't been then, but on the back she'd written ‘My Caleb,’ so Poe liked to hope that at some point she'd cared for him, been able to see enough hope in Caleb that she’d seen a future for him even if she hadn’t seen a future for herself. _ It could have been so much worse,  _ Poe thought.  _ She could have taken Caleb with her.  _ Caleb certainly cared for her, which spoke to Poe, too. And his attachment to Finn made sense, now, as if he'd been innately seeking comfort from the closest person who reminded him of his mom, skin tone wise. Poe had to believe that Celia had loved Caleb, despite what she’d done.

Caleb’s status as their foster child was in stasis while Celia was in the coma. When she woke, if she woke, there’d be medical evaluations and psych evaluations and possible institutionalization. When she woke, if she woke, they - the doctors, Avery, Finn and Poe - would have to make a decision about Caleb seeing her. Poe knew when the time came that he’d throw his weight behind Celia; unlike the doctors, he’d seen Finn rock Caleb while he cried himself to exhaustion, begging for his mama. Was he going to advocate putting Caleb back in Celia’s care should she recover enough to do so? Not without extensive agreement from the experts. But a boy deserved to be able to visit his mother. He hoped that they wouldn't be taking Caleb to see his mom one last time as she lay in a hospital bed, machines keeping her alive until they wouldn't, until the hospital decided to stop wasting money on a homeless vet.

Poe tried to turn away from that thought as he turned away from Celia and headed home. He needed Finn, he needed to tell Finn he'd come. But as he stepped into the September sunshine, he realized he had another task. He drove to the parking lot that the farmer’s market was held in every Saturday, retraced the route to where the hatchback should have been. He pulled out his cellphone. “Detective Hernandez, this is Poe Dameron. Did the Stevens’ car get towed?”

“Hey Mr. Dameron. Yes, we impounded it when we found the mom.”

“Is there any way I could get into it?  Caleb really wants his stuffed toy, I think it would help make him feel better about being away from his mom.”

“We’ll have to have an officer there, make a log of anything you take, but yeah, that’s possible.” The detective rattled off an address, and Poe hung up.

The person in charge of the impound area handed him some gloves. “You might want these, never know what kind of stuff you’ll find in a hobo car.”

Poe nodded, suppressing the flare of annoyance at the guy’s terminology. He opened the hatch, beginning to work his way through the layers, looking for anything that looked remotely like a sheep. He came across a small bag of weed and rolling papers, but nothing harder, and Poe thought again that maybe she’d been trying to keep it together for the sake of Caleb. Keep it together until she couldn’t anymore. He finally found Sheepie in a little nest of blankets behind the driver’s seat. Seeing it, imagining Caleb laying there, thumb in his mouth and clutching the sheep, broke his heart. He was getting out with the stuffed toy when a small book caught his eye. It was a beat up journal, and quickly flipping through it revealed that Celia had written, a lot. He hesitated, knowing he probably shouldn’t violate her privacy, but if she was brain-dead, or damaged, what if this was the only words Caleb would ever have from his mother, when he was too old to remember her? Poe eyed the impound man, sitting back in his booth, and pocketed the book, unsure of how to explain why he was taking it otherwise. Then, he signed out the sheep, and finally headed back to Finn.

Finn had readjusted his work schedule so that what needed to be done could be done from home, just for a few weeks while they dealt with Caleb.  They didn’t want to expose Caleb to a lot of new faces at once, and so if Finn was needed in court, Poe took the time off of the fall farm work. Poe found Finn in his home office, getting paperwork done while Caleb napped in their room.  After Rey and Jess left, they’d tried to move Caleb’s pop up crib to the guest room, but Caleb had gone into hysterics at the thought of not sleeping near anyone. It made sense, considering the close quarters he’d been keeping with his mom.

Finn looked up at the sound of Poe’s footsteps, an engaged, studious look still on his face that Poe found incredibly endearing. With everything going on, sometimes Poe forgot that Finn loved his work, was absorbed by it.  _ Top of his class _ , Poe thought with pride. He couldn’t help himself, and leaned down to brush a kiss across the wrinkle in Finn’s forehead. He leaned a hip on Finn’s desk, taking the hand Finn offered.

“What are you doing home? Not that I’m complaining,” Finn said with a smile.

Out with it, then. “I went to see Celia.”

Finn’s brow furrowed again, and he pulled away from Poe, away from the desk, to stand and pace. “Why? I mean, was she awake? Is she talking? How come Avery didn’t call me? Is Caleb going to-”

“Finn.” Poe’s voice was quiet, but it stopped Finn’s flood of words. “She’s not awake. But I think we should take him to see her, before it’s too late. I’m not sure if she’s ever going to wake up. I needed to go see her, to try and understand…”

“Understand how she could abandon that precious child in the other room? Understand why she tried to kill herself?” Finn’s voice was tight, but he kept it low, aware of Caleb sleeping.

“Well, yes. And because, if it happens that she...that she doesn’t make it, and we keep Caleb, because we both know we want to keep Caleb, we’re going to have to help him understand, too, one day. He’s going to feel a lot of things about her, but we can’t help him feed into hate or anger.”

Finn was quiet, joining Poe to lean against his desk. “Do you? Understand?”

Poe gave a half shrug. “She loved him.” Finn made a little doubting sound. “I really think she did.  Or does. She could have- She could have killed him, too.”

Finn inhaled quickly, as if it was the first time he’d thought of it, and the thought was too painful to bear.

“Instead she dropped him off in a crowded area, full of fairly affluent people, comparatively. Full of families.”

Finn’s hands were gripping the edge of the desk tightly. “Visiting her in the hospital helped you understand this?”

Poe pulled the journal out of his pocket. “Reading this helped.” He passed it to Finn, who began to flip through it. “There’s a lot of rambling and references to the past that don't make a lot of sense. But she has lucid moments, too. Moments of talking about plans for the future, how she was going to survive with Caleb, what she was going to do to be able to provide for him.” They both turned at the sound of Caleb crying in the monitor, and Poe picked it up, lowering the volume. “I’ll go deal with Caleb. Read it, Finn.” As he left, he saw Finn sink back into his chair, open the journal again.

In their room, he put a smile on his face to greet Caleb. “Hey, buddy,” he said, lifting Caleb out of the crib and holding his little body in a close hug. He wondered if Caleb would take after his mom, stay small. “Time for a diaper change? We’re going to have to see about potty training, Cay.”

Caleb reached up to play with Poe’s short beard. “What’s a potty?”

Poe laughed a little. “Oh, you’ll find out soon enough.” He laid Caleb down on the bed, efficiently changed the diaper, and blew a raspberry on the boy’s exposed stomach.

Caleb erupted into giggles, grabbing into Poe’s beard. “Tickle! Tickle!” he screamed.

“I think you might give Amelia a run for her money on cutest Smith-Dameron,” Poe said as he picked Caleb up in his arms and carried him downstairs to the living room to play. They’d had to unearth Amelia’s box of old toys from the garage; Poe could be grateful for once that Finn was something of a pack rat. “That is, if you become a Smith-Dameron,” he murmured to himself as he sat on the floor, pulling out blocks and watching Caleb bang them together.

They were in the middle of building a tower together when Finn came down, handed the journal back to Poe. “I’m still angry,” he said, sitting on the couch.

Poe looked up from watching Caleb place another block. “I think that’s reasonable.”

“How are you so calm?”

“I’m not. I’m just angry at a different source. I’m angry that Celia or anyone like her could get into a situation so low that they feel their only way out is…” They were keeping their voices calm, conversational, so as not to disturb Caleb. But on the next part, Poe heard his voice break a bit. “Twice as many, Finn. Twice as many veterans commit suicide than the rest of the population. So yeah, I’m angry.”

They lapsed into quiet, and when Caleb offered a block to Finn, Finn slid down and joined them on the floor. “Did you have a good sleep, Caleb?” Finn asked, setting a block down on the top of the tower.

The little boy nodded. “I slept so long.” Caleb accidentally knocked the tower over, and it must have reminded him of something, because he looked up directly at Finn. “Finn, will I see mama now?”

Finn met Poe’s eyes over Caleb’s head. Though his lips were pursed tight, he nodded.

\------------------------------------

Caleb took seeing his mother in the hospital bed, hooked up to all of the machines, surprisingly well. Finn helped him crawl up into the bed with Celia, and they waited silently as Caleb seemed to melt into his mother. They let him lay there. When the doctor began to make noises about limiting visit time, though, Finn pulled him gently away from Celia, and he immediately went into a toddler rage, earning glares from everyone on the ICU floor. Finn and Poe glared back, but moved him away. Finn hugged him close, and Poe ran his hand over his hair and down his back as Caleb’s tears quieted to sniffles. “We’ll come back, Caleb,” Finn vowed.

Caleb was quiet in the backseat, except for the occasional whimper, but when they picked Amelia up from school, she managed to chatter enough at him that he had no choice but to respond. Amelia had been delighted over the last week to have someone little to play with, and Poe realized that, as much as she loved Meghan, it must have been hard to relate to a sister almost a decade older than her.

While the kids were distracted in the back, Finn reached for Poe’s hand across the front seat. “I don’t know if I can bring myself to not be angry at her for leaving him behind, and I don't think I'll ever understand.  But I think you're right, I think she must have loved him. But you don't- you can't just leave behind the ones you love.”

“I think if we completely understood her reasoning, we'd be in trouble. But she's not the villain.”

“No, she's not the villain.”

Visiting the hospital became a sort of horrible routine, in that Caleb always wanted to go, and never wanted to leave. Sometimes Finn took him, sometimes Poe took him, but it never got any better.

In early October, on their seventh visit, though, Poe and Finn were idly thumbing through their phones while Caleb lay with his mother, when loud alarms started to sound from the equipment. Poe sprang up, pulling Caleb away as several nurses ran in. He hurried out of the room, Finn behind him, as Caleb started to cry. Finn held out his arms and Poe transferred him, knowing Finn was the best at soothing the boy.  He went back to the room, hovered at the entrance, and watched as the hospital staff worked hard to save the life of someone who’d been determined to take it. In the end, Celia’s disease won. Poe knew his cheeks were wet, acknowledged that he was crying over the death of a woman he’d never even really met. When most of the staff cleared out, Poe stepped back in and took Celia’s hand. “I want you to know we’ll keep Caleb safe. He’s not alone anymore. I hope that brings you peace.” Poe retrieved the picture of Celia and Caleb, and walked out to find Finn.

\--------------------------

Poe felt the bench creak slightly as Finn sat next to him. He’d come out to talk to his parents at their trees after reading Amelia to sleep. Finn circled an arm around his waist, and he leaned over, leaned into his husband’s comfort. “I don’t think I’m sad she died. I think I’m sad because she could have lived, maybe, if someone had just been there for her somewhere along the way,” he confessed.

Finn’s fingers stroked his hair. “We don’t know that.”

“I have to believe that, have to believe that people can make a difference in each others lives.”

Finn’s voice was low. “You know they do. But you can’t make a difference in everyone’s lives. You can’t take it all on yourself, Poe.”

Poe took a deep breath. “I know you’re right. I want to work with a group, maybe set up some type of reintegration program for vets here on the farm. I mean, I know we couldn’t take a lot of people, but we could provide an income, and a safe place with understanding people.”

“Organa’s Organics, home of rescues and strays.”

“Something like that. I want to start by getting involved with the veteran community, figuring out what they need from the inside rather than offering something they don’t from the outside.” Poe sat up, plans cycling through his head.

Finn pulled him closer for a kiss. “I love you, you brave, beautiful human being.”

They stood and walked hand in hand toward the house. Finn sighed. “How do we help a two year old grieve?”

“One day at a time.”


	39. Forever - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short smut scene I wrote for Kinktober 2017
> 
> Sometime soon after Caleb's adoption, Finn and Poe find a little bit of alone time in the shower. It gets sexy, and also mushy-feeling-y.
> 
> Kinktober Day 12: Handjobs

Lots of habits and routines changed when the kids joined them, Finn reflected as he stepped into the shower. One of the bigger ones being: if he didn’t want to sacrifice warm, comfy bed time, preferably sleeping time, in the morning, then he had to take his shower now. Mornings were just a little too hectic right now with the addition of Caleb to the family. And sleeping time, wrapped in Poe's arms, was just a little too cuddly and sweet to be sacrificed.

He hummed as he washed away the day, thinking about court tomorrow and errands after and making sure Meghan didn't push herself because her cold was getting rather nasty -

“Hi.” Cool arms wrapped around his middle, and a kiss was pressed between his shoulder blades. Finn shivered.

“Sorry,” Poe said automatically, even as Finn turned them so Poe could get under the warmth of the water, and so he could face his husband.

“Hi,” Finn murmured, kissing Poe’s 5 o’clock-shadow-rough cheek. “Can you get my back?” he asked, teasing but turning around again.

“Gladly,” Poe said with a laugh, taking the washcloth and scrubbing it over the planes of Finn’s back, leaving kisses as he went after the spray had washed the soap away. When he was done, he wrapped his arms around Finn’s middle again and leaned his head into Finn’s back. He took a deep breath, and Finn felt it over his skin. “I love you.”

Finn smoothed over Poe’s arms, twisting their fingers together and finding Poe's ring. He had a habit of worrying it around Poe's finger, not that Poe ever complained about it. He did that now, rolling it around once. “I love you right back. Want me to get your hair?”

Poe grumbled, which made Finn laugh, and turned back around so he could do precisely that. “Today was kind of crazy, huh?”

Finn sighed as he soaped up Poe’s curls. “That’s an understatement.”

“You did a great job.”

Pleasure brought a flush to Finn's skin. On the one hand, yeah, he knew that since they'd at least survived the day, he had done a good job. On the other hand, it was _really_ nice to hear. “You did, too. We got this.” Finn kissed Poe’s shoulder before pushing his head under the spray gently and letting Poe rinse everything out.

When he was done, Poe slipped his arms around Finn’s neck and nuzzled in cheek-to-cheek. “Thanks. God, I really fucking love you.”

“I really fucking love you, too, babe.” Finn brushed his lips over Poe’s, then across his cheek, and his forehead.

They melded together like that, in a sweet kiss that seemed to last and last, warm from the water, floating in steam and happiness. Finn hummed a little in surprise when his cock, half hard, swept against Poe’s, which was in a similar state.

“Huh.”

Poe made an inquisitive sound as he lazily pressed kisses over Finn’s jaw.

“I kind of thought I was too tired for that to happen.” When Poe met his eyes, Finn pointedly glanced between them.

Poe looked down, then snickered, placing a hand on Finn’s hip. “I am very rarely too tired for you.”

Finn reached around Poe to turn the water off, then pulled him into another kiss. “This is a true fact.”

Before they could get too cold, Poe tossed Finn his towel, and used his own on his hair. “How about you? Too tired?”

Finn grinned, winking at Poe before taking some lotion and beginning to smooth it over his arms. “Definitely not.”

Poe grinned back, the way that made Finn’s blood fire in that way that was familiar now, but still so thrilling. Like his body was saying _‘There he is. My partner, my equal, my love, my life. And maybe today’s just a random Tuesday but there he is. And he’s mine, forever.’_

He arched his brow, an invitation, and Poe crowded him close against the counter. “Can I help?” he murmured against Finn’s still steamy skin, taking the lotion.

“Go for it.” Finn watched as Poe warmed the lotion in his hands and began to rub it into his chest, over his back, down his legs, his face a hairsbreadth away from where Finn’s cock was now standing fully erect. Poe kissed his way back up Finn’s body, then got another handful of lotion and warmed it. He slipped the hand down between them, and circled their cocks together. Poe felt like hot steel against him, and Finn groaned, leaning in to take another kiss.

It was all so simple like that, Finn leaning against the counter, their mouths melting together as Poe stroked them. It was comfort, all comfort, as much as the hugs and the washing had been. _My forever._ Love welled up inside Finn, happiness at his choice in husband, in the life they’d made together here at the farm.

It wasn’t fancy, this hand job, and it was going to end quickly, despite both of them being tired. But when they got each other off - and Finn swept his hand down to help Poe, reveling in feeling their fingers touch as they both stroked - Finn knew they’d take each other to bed, wrapped in comfy pajamas, and maybe Poe would wrap around him, or he’d wrap around Poe, and they’d pull the down comforter up to their necks and cocoon around each other for as long as Caleb let them. And then they’d get up and do the whole thing all over again. And again. And again. Because Poe was his forever and they weren’t ever letting each other go.

It was with that certainty singing through his blood that Finn felt his orgasm shiver through his body. He moaned into Poe’s mouth, feeling his cum join the lotion, and stroked harder to bring Poe crashing after him.

It took a few minutes of panting before they disentangled themselves enough to clean up, brush their teeth, and put on pajamas. And then they went to bed, Poe cuddled up to his chest, and all was right with the world.


	40. What I'm Thankful For by Amelia Smith-Dameron - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Thanksgiving, and Amelia's been given an assignment to write about what she's thankful for.

Every day in Mr. Ferguson’s first grade classroom, the hour before morning recess was dedicated to reading and writing. This was Amelia’s favorite part of the day, way better than math after lunch. Math was so boring, and all Amelia wanted to do after lunch was fall asleep. Daddy-Poe tried to help her, and both of her daddies told her how important math was, but reading and writing was  _ so much  _ more fun. Molly was really good at math, though, but she had a hard time with writing out answers, and that made Amelia feel better about the confusing world of fractions.

At the front of the classroom, Mr. Ferguson announced, “This week we are going to work on a poem about Thanksgiving.”  Amelia felt a little jolt of pleasure at the announcement. She loved Thanksgiving at the farm. Everyone came, even Auntie Rey and Aunt Jess down from Washington, and they all ate in the big house around Nanalay’s table. She could definitely write about that.

“So tonight, I want you to think about the people that you’re thankful for. And why you’re thankful for them.”

Mr. Ferguson went on to read them a book about Thanksgiving, and Amelia even raised her hand to answer one of his questions.

\---------------------------------------

“Do you have any homework today, nugget?” Daddy-Poe met her eyes in the rearview mirror, and she smiled at him.

“I’m supposed to think about who I’m thankful for in my life, and why, but that’s easy.”

Daddy smiled back at her. “We’ve got a pretty great list of people, huh? Anything else?”

Amelia made a face. “I have math.”

“I’ll help you out, Amelia. We can figure it out together.” Daddy yawned. “What else happened today?”

“I had a great day at school. We read a book about Thanksgiving and Molly told the funniest joke at lunch, it was a knock knock joke and the answer was orange! Isn’t that funny, Daddy?” Daddy nodded. “And we started making decorations for Thanksgiving and I love Thanksgiving so much because Auntie Rey and Aunt Jess come to visit and we watch that parade on tv, and we get to eat a lot and everyone’s always really happy.” Amelia continued until she couldn't think of anything else. Daddy seemed quiet and happy to let her talk it all out, but then he didn't say anything when she finally did stop. “Is everything okay, Daddy?”

Daddy smiled, then yawned again. “Of course, nugget. Daddy’s just still getting used to Caleb sleeping in our room.”

Amelia knew that Caleb didn't like being alone, especially at night. He missed his mama. Sometimes Amelia tried to remember hers, but could only remember small things, like the feeling of soft arms holding her. Whenever she felt like she couldn’t remember anything, she’d go look at the small photo in the hallway. One afternoon, when she’d been playing with Caleb, she’d taken him to see the picture, and told him about her mama and dada dying. A few days later, the photo of Caleb and his mama was hung on the wall, prettily framed. Sometimes her daddies could be so sneaky. And wonderful. She and Caleb visited their pictures a lot after that.

When they arrived home, it was that special time before Nan brought Caleb back over from the main house, and before Daddy-Finn and Meghan got home from Salem, and Amelia had Daddy-Poe all to herself. Normally, he helped her with her homework. Tonight he looked at it, which was about the dreaded fractions, and asked, “Hey, would you like to make cookies?”

Amelia raised her eyebrows. “Before homework?”

Daddy smiled down at her. “It’ll be part of your homework, nugget. Come on,” he said, standing up from the dining table and moving into the kitchen, and she followed. He began to pull ingredients out of cupboards. Amelia dragged the step stool over to the counter and climbed up.

Daddy pulled out his phone and brought up the recipe. “Okay, we need one cup of carob chips.” Amelia reached out for the cup measure, but Daddy stopped her hand. “Pretend all we have is this quarter cup measure. How will we get a cup?”

“I’m not sure, Daddy,” Amelia said, a little whine entering her voice.

“Well, let’s see how many of these little ones it takes to fill up the cup measure.” Together they counted out four quarter cups before the cup got full. “See, you need four, because it’s 1/4th.”

Daddy made her count out all of the ingredients in quarters and thirds and halves until she started to get the hang of it. “Daddy, I don’t think I’ve ever worked  _ so hard  _ for cookies.” She sighed dramatically, and Daddy laughed.

He ruffled a hand through her hair. “I bet they’ll taste extra good then,  _ after  _ dinner.” She pulled open the oven door and he placed the cookies inside. “So, let’s try that homework again.”  With the cookie making on her mind, they raced through it, finishing just as Nan walked through the mud room with Caleb.

Caleb lit up when he saw Amelia, and Amelia smiled wide, feeling it in her heart. She loved Caleb so much, and when he raced over to her, she swung him up in a hug. He was babbling in his toddler speak about his day, which she always thought was funny. Had she really sounded like that once? What if  _ Daddy  _ or  _ Nan  _ had sounded like that once. She giggled at herself. “Want to play, Caleb?”

“Just for a little bit, nugget. Daddy and Meghan will be home soon, and we’ll have dinner. Would you like to stay, Ann?” Daddy and Nan walked back into the kitchen, and Amelia got out the trucks for Caleb.

\---------------------------------

The next day in school, Amelia awaited reading and writing time eagerly.  Mr. Ferguson approached the front of the room. “Okay, guys, did you think of a list of people that you’re thankful for?” Amelia nodded her head energetically, and so did most of the class. “Alright, we’re going to try something new today. You’re going to share your list with a partner.” He walked through the room, pairing off students, and Amelia felt a cold finger of dread in her stomach. She was paired off with Hector, one of Steven’s group of mean boys. She couldn’t talk to him. Well, she didn't want to talk to anybody, except for maybe Molly. She'd never had to do this in kindergarten. So, after Hector had gone and he was staring blankly at her, she sat there, still as a board, refusing to speak. They sat in an awkward silence for what seemed like too long before Mr. Ferguson clapped his hands for attention. Hector glared at her, as if she was going to get him in trouble.

She turned away. Mr. Ferguson was speaking again. “So, Thanksgiving is all about sharing and being kind to others. Tonight I want you to go home and try and do something kind for one of the people on your list. Be ready to share with your partner what you did.”

\---------------------------------

She was quieter on the car ride home today, but Daddy-Poe looked tired again too, and didn’t ask her a lot of questions.  That was good. She didn’t want to talk about how she’d refused to do what the teacher asked. Instead, she thought about who she was going to do something kind for. There were lots of things she could do. But, she was beginning to think of an idea that wouldn’t be kind for just one of her people, but  _ three _ . Amelia grinned in anticipation.

When Daddy prompted her for homework, she told him she didn’t have any (which was kind of a lie, and she felt a little guilty), and that she was going to play in her room (which was definitely a lie, but she wanted it to be a surprise).  She didn’t miss the look of gratefulness on his face as he collapsed on the couch and closed his eyes. She smiled a bit. She wasn’t offended that he wanted to take a short nap instead of hang out with her. She was going to make him a present.

She closed her door, then began by organizing her closet. She worked her way around the room, slowly consolidating toys and books and clothes. At some point she heard Meghan climb the stairs and head to her room, and heard her daddies greet each other. She worked hard, until she found herself in front of the bookshelf, pondering how she was going to move it. It had to move, though. Sighing, she went and knocked on Meghan’s door. She heard a soft “Come in,” and opened it, peeking her head inside. Meghan was sitting at her desk, drawing or writing or something. Meghan was always creating.

“Meghan, could you help me with something in my room?”

“Sure, squirt.” She unfolded herself from her chair and followed Amelia back to her room. “Amelia, what have you been doing in here?”

“I’m going to share my room with Caleb. So he doesn’t have to sleep alone. And so our daddies can get some rest.”

Meghan stared at her, eyebrow raised. “Aren’t you worried that you won’t get any sleep?”

Amelia shrugged. “I wake up early anyway.”

Her sister was nodding, looking around the room as if seeing the possibilities. “And sharing your room with a boy?”

“Caleb hardly counts as a boy. It’s not like he’s Steven or something.”

Meghan ran a hand over the French braids she’d done for Amelia that morning. Given Amelia’s active nature and fine hair, large chunks had fallen out of the braids and were hanging all around her face. Meghan smiled. “Okay, what can I help you with?”

With Meghan’s assistance, they rearranged the furniture until there was a large clear spot for the crib that her daddies had gotten at Ikea. Then, the girls tried to maneuver the crib out of the master bedroom, but it was too heavy for Meghan by herself.

“Ladies, dinner!” Daddy-Finn called from downstairs.

“Do you want them to see your surprise now or after dinner?” Meghan asked.

Amelia considered this for a second. “Now,” she said decisively.

“Okay, why don’t you go wait in your room and I’ll go get them.”

Amelia was sitting on her bed when she heard the footsteps of her whole family coming down the hallway. She stood, wide smile on her face, and as Daddy-Finn rounded the door frame, she exclaimed, “Surprise!”

“Uh, what’s going on in here?” Daddy-Finn asked as the rest of them piled into the room. “Why’d you move all of your stuff?”

Amelia gestured with wide arms to the empty spot she’d created. “Because this is where Caleb is going to sleep!”

Caleb’s eyes lit up.  He nodded emphatically.  “Yes” and “Sleep” and “Amelia” all came from his mouth amid the other toddler babble.

Her daddies were looking at each other, but they weren’t smiling, and Amelia got worried. “I just thought that-”

Daddy-Poe knelt down to her height. “Are you sure you want to share a room, Amelia?  I’m sure that in a few months, we’ll be able to clear out the guest room and make that Caleb’s.”  Behind him, Caleb was shaking his head.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” She nodded once, determined.

“I think it’s a good idea,” Meghan put in.

Daddy-Finn looked around at everyone’s faces, eventually settling on Daddy-Poe’s, and they did the thing where they communicated without talking. Then, he smiled. “Well, I guess your daddy and I should move the crib over, then.” Caleb and Amelia clapped their hands.

That night, Caleb slept well, and her daddies looked happier in the morning too.

\--------------------------

“You’re going to refuse to do the homework?” Molly’s mouth was hanging open. “But, Mr. Ferguson is  _ the teacher. _ ”

Amelia took off her coat and hung it up, then shrugged at Molly. “I did the homework. Caleb gets to sleep in my room- our room now. But I’m not going to ‘share with my partner about it.’ He can’t make me talk,” she said with false bravado. Really, she was shaking with the idea of upsetting Mr. Ferguson. It would kind of be like upsetting one of her Daddies. Or both. Amelia shuddered slightly.

At reading and writing time, when Mr. Ferguson told them to talk to their partner, Amelia sat silent. Hector, worried again that somehow he was the one who would be getting in trouble, complained to Mr. Ferguson. When Mr. Ferguson asked her again to share her story, she shook her head. He looked down at her a little sadly, and said, “Amelia, we’re going to have to talk during recess.” She gulped.

He turned away, raising his voice slightly. “Class, we’re going to be ending our Thanksgiving time by writing a poem about what we’re thankful for, and presenting it in front of class on Friday.” Mr. Ferguson smiled at them.

_ That  _ sent shivers down Amelia’s spine. She felt like she had turned to stone in her desk. Miss O’Brien had  _ never  _ forced her to talk in front of class. Now Mr. Ferguson kept pushing and pushing her.  _ And  _ she had to talk to him before recess, when her stomach felt like it was going to fall directly out of her body. Why couldn’t she just go back to kindergarten where things were easy?

After the other students had run off to their games, and Mr. Ferguson had made the lingering Molly leave, he asked her to sit down with him on the steps. “Did you do the homework, Amelia?”

Amelia looked down at her feet. “Yes, I did something kind.”

“How come you wouldn’t talk to Hector?”

She shrugged, not really wanting to tell him.

Mr. Ferguson pursed his lips, but he nodded. “Well, if you think of your reason, come tell me, okay?” She nodded. “Go find Molly, I’m sure she’s worried about you.”

Amelia gazed up at him, confused why she was getting let off the hook, but hurried away. She didn’t find Molly, instead wandering aimlessly to the large maple tree in the corner of the play yard. She leaned against it, a cold sweat breaking out on her face.

“Whoa,” Molly said as she came running up with a wall ball. She took one look at Amelia’s face and turned around, throwing the ball at some kids waiting by the wall. “Play without us!” She turned back to Amelia, taking one of her hands. “Are you going to throw up again? Was Mr. Ferguson that bad?”

Amelia shook her head. “No, I promise. He wasn’t that bad. I didn’t get in trouble.”

“Well then, what’s wrong?  Was it one of the boys?”

Another shake, Amelia straight black bob shivering. “I can’t do it, Molly.”

“Do what?” Molly tilted her head, as if Amelia was a puzzle she needed to solve.

“Talk in front of the whole class. I won’t do it.”

Molly squeezed her hand. “You  _ have  _ to do it, Mr. Ferguson said so.”

Amelia pressed her lips together into a thin line, clenching her jaw. She pulled her hand from Molly’s and crossed her arms over her chest.

“You just answered a question in class two days ago.”

Amelia didn’t want to admit that raising her hand to answer a question about the Thanksgiving story had given her a jittery stomach all the way through lunch, and she’d barely eaten.  Molly would think she was being silly. The way Molly was looking at her right now, Amelia was pretty sure she already thought that. That was the problem with having a best friend that was just so… well, sometimes when Amelia watched Molly answer in class, she just seemed … shiny. Like she was a sun onto herself, and everyone else basked in her light like Buli did in the afternoon. Amelia wasn’t shiny, not like that.  

She kicked her heel against the tree. “Let’s just play some wall ball,” Amelia mumbled, shoving off from the tree.

Molly looked like she was going to say something else, but hooked an arm around Amelia’s and forced her into a skip instead.

\--------------------------------------

“Knock knock,” Daddy-Finn said at her open bedroom door that night. She’d come up to play by herself, still upset about having to talk in front of class.

“You can come in, Daddy.” She swept aside some of her stuffies and patted the bed beside her.

Daddy smiled and complied. “You were quiet at dinner tonight, sweet pea. Everything okay at school?”

She avoided her daddy’s face, knowing that if she did look at him, she’d end up telling him everything. “It’s fine.”

Daddy sighed heavily, and Amelia did look up at him then. “Amelia Mae, Mr. Ferguson called me today. He said you refused to do an assignment?”

Daddy was giving her the opening to explain herself rather than get caught in a lie again. She started to tear up. “I don’t want to do it, he’s making us all talk in front of the whole class. And I’m going to say something stupid and they’ll all laugh at me.” The last part came out as a wail, and she crawled into Daddy’s lap, even though she was really too big to. She felt his arms circle around her, and cried harder.

“Oh, sweet pea, it’s okay,” he soothed, stroking her back. There was just something about the way her daddies rubbed her back, it made her feel like everything was perfectly okay in the world. Her tears slowed. “What do you have to talk about?”

She sniffled. “What we’re thankful for.”

“Well, that part’s easy, right? When you count your blessings with Daddy, you’re doing the same thing.”

Amelia nodded against his sweater. “You, and Daddy, and Meghan, and Caleb, and the farm, and Threepio, and Buli, and Molly, and my nanas, and my aunties…”

“See? Lots of things to be thankful for. That’s a pretty awesome list, mind if I copy it?”

“Even Threepio?”

Daddy chuckled. “Okay, maybe not Threepio.”

“Horses aren’t scary, Daddy. They’re fun.”

“Your father has been trying to convince me of that for five years. I don’t think I’m going to budge on it.”  She smiled, but burrowed in further. “Sweet pea, I know that talking in front of people is really scary.  The first time I went into court, I almost threw up. But Mr. Ferguson is just trying to get you to be comfortable with talking to your classmates. He’ll make sure they don’t laugh at you.”

Amelia thought of Stephen and Hector and the other mean boys on the playground from last year. Teachers didn’t always catch the naughty kids. She wasn’t convinced, and made a small doubting sound in her throat.

“What if Daddy and I came and watched? Mr. Ferguson said that all parents were invited. You could get up there, and look only at Daddy or me, and ignore everyone else. We’d love to hear what you have to say.”

She considered this, weighed the possibility that someone might think it was weird that she had two daddies. She took a deep breath. “I’d like it if you came. You and Daddy.”

\--------------------------------

The second night Caleb spent in her room, he woke her up when he had a nightmare, and so she crossed the room quietly, slipping her arm through the panels of the crib, and rubbed his back just like her daddies did for her when she was upset. She heard Daddy-Finn in the doorway, and she smiled at him as Caleb’s whimpers eased and he fell back asleep. “You don’t have to get up with him, sweet pea,” Daddy said as he tucked her back into her own bed.

“I don’t mind.”

He leaned over to brush a kiss across her forehead. “You’re a good big sister. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Daddy.”

“I know you’re still worried about talking in front of class. But just remember, no matter what happens, remember how much everyone in this house loves you, okay?”

“Okay.” She nestled back into her pillow and fell asleep.

\---------------------------------

She was definitely going to throw up. Quite a few parents had shown up, actually, and the first grade room was crowded. The adults looked silly sitting in the little kid chairs, and Amelia wanted to laugh, but she was afraid that might allow the bile to slip up her throat.

One-by-one, the first graders got up and read their poems. Mr. Ferguson led everyone in polite applause after each kid.

She was near the end, because of the S from Smith-Dameron. After Hannah Shidley, Mr. Ferguson called her up, and she felt like her steps were stuttering. She made it to the front without tripping, and turned around, finding Daddy-Poe and Daddy-Finn at the back. They were standing, and Daddy-Poe’s arm was around Daddy-Finn’s back, and they both looked so expectant and happy and proud.

Amelia opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She felt like she stood there forever, silent seconds ticking by as she froze. But then Daddy-Finn held up his fingers in the form of a heart, and mouthed “We love you” and her throat started working again.

“What I’m Thankful For,” she whispered out.

\----------------------------------

**What I’m Thankful For,** _ by Amelia Smith-Dameron _

**T** he way my daddies love me

**H** aving fun with Caleb and Meghan

**A** cting silly with Molly

**N** owing how to ride Threepio  _ (On this line Mr. Ferguson put a blue “k” before the “nowing” with a smiley face.) _

**K** isses from Nan and Nanaley

**S** occer

\----------------------------------------

**Epilogue: What I’m Thankful For, Because Turnabout's Fair Play:**

_ Scene: Everyone's around the big table in Leia's house, and Amelia has just finished saying her poem for the family. She tells them they have to tell her what they're thankful for, too. _

**Caleb:** _ <He pauses very briefly from running a truck around the table.> _ Trucks!

**Meghan:** Being with people who understand me.  _ <She blushes and looks down at her food.> _

**Leia:** This time of year, spring.  _ <She sighs as if tired.> _ Can’t get here soon enough.

**Anne:** _ <Anne looks sincerely at Finn.> _ Second chances.

**Rey:** Smooth skies. And I guess Jess.  _ <She smiles winningly at Jess.> _

**Jess:** _ <Jess pokes Rey in the side.> _ This girl.

**Elisa:** My baby boy. Actually both of them.  _ <Elisa sticks out her tongue at Snap.> _

**Snap:** Elisa singing in the shower.  _ <Elisa whacks Snap lovingly on the shoulder.> _ What? I’m serious!

**Luis:** Dada, food?  _ <’Sounds about right,’ Snap says, and Elisa whacks him again.> _

**Poe:** Good land, rain, and the energy to make something out of both.  _ <He says this every year. It’s something Kes used to say.> _

**Finn:** _ <Finn takes Poe’s hand, then looks around the table.> _ The family we find, and the family that finds us.


	41. Prep for Christmas - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick little snippet of Finn and Poe prepping for Christmas that I wrote on tumblr AGES ago and never put in the long fic.

“Sit down, Finn.”

“I think I forgot the-” He yelped out a laugh when Poe pulled him down to the couch and immediately pressed a kiss to his neck. Finn squirmed playfully.

“I think you forgot to relax a little, baby,” Poe murmured in his ear.

Finn stopped squirming, instead snuggling into Poe’s lap, head on his chest. “Well, just for a second, I guess.” It was Caleb’s first Christmas with them, and Finn wanted everything to be perfect for all three of the kids. Which meant stuffing stockings, and artfully rearranging the half-eaten cookies and milk, and assembling the- He jolted and tried to spring out of Poe’s lap. “Poe! We forgot to assemble the-”

Poe pulled him right back down. “The mini-tractor? Snap and I took care of it already. It’s in the garage. Wrapped and everything.”

Finn sagged back into a more comfortable position, cupping Poe’s face. “You are the best husband on the face of the planet.” He kissed Poe sweetly, leaning into the kiss, taking his time. Breaking it off, he smiled, pretending to get back up and saying, “Now, where’s Snap? I need to reward him, too.” He laughed when Poe pulled him right back down with a growl and a possessive kiss.

“I’m only holding you back because Snap would enjoy it too much, and then Elisa would kick all three of our asses,” Poe said with a grin when he’d broken the kiss.

Finn laughed again. “I adore you.” He swept a hand through Poe’s curls, then pulled his head forward by them. “Merry Christmas, baby.” He nibbled at Poe’s lip, torturing him, just a little, before sweeping into a full kiss.

“God, you’re so gorgeous in the lights of the tree,” Poe murmured against his lips. “Merry Christmas to you, too.” Their lips met again as they settled into each other, happy and content.


	42. Redemption - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part of the Organa's Organics AU; Leia and OFC alternating POV.  
> Winter has Leia feeling wistful and regretting the past.
> 
>  
> 
> Headcanon casting of Cassie: Nicole Beharie

Leia was vain about virtually nothing. Oh, she wasn’t shy about much, though she’d had to promise Finn and Poe she’d lay off the nudist Sundays when Amelia started coming around. From what Meghan told her, she’d fit right in with the “body positivity” movement on the tumblr. Whatever that was. So while she was confident in her body, she was only truly vain about one thing: her hair.

As she brushed it out every night, she sometimes thought about the beautiful dark brown it used to be, back when Han had always teased her to let if flow loose like all the other flower children did. She’d fought the gray for a handful of years before Han caught on, and teased her for that, too, telling her she’d look beautiful with gray hair. So she’d let it go, let the silver streak through until her hair was a pretty light brown from the threading gray.

She rarely thought about the sensation of someone else’s fingers combing through her hair, releasing it from braids or buns or whatever updo she’d twisted it into.

Most often, her brushing hand was automatic, and her thoughts were on the farm, or on her family. On what Poe had told her that day about the east fields, or what Caleb had said when he’d been playing with Anne.

She tried not to let her thoughts slide toward Ben, or how upset she’d been when he’d cut his long black curls in order to “appeal to the job market” when he was 16.

A quiet knock at her door interrupted her thoughts. “Come in,” she called, still brushing. In her vanity mirror she saw Anne come through the door, still in her day clothes. Leia was pretty sure that even after living in the same house as Anne for two years, she’d never seen Anne in her pajamas. The woman was perpetually dressed for company.

Anne set a mug of tea down on Leia’s vanity, then moved to sit primly on the edge of Leia’s bed. “You didn’t get your tea. I thought you’d want it.”

Leia looked over at her. “Thank you.” She obligingly set down her brush so she could take a sip of the chamomile brew that helped her sleep.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Anne looked distressed.

Leia raised an eyebrow but didn’t glance over, picking up her brush again. “What do you mean?”

“Leia, I know that we’re not… the most compatible of companions.” Leia snorted. “But since moving here I’ve been working hard to figure out the difference between stoic and repressed.” Stoic, of course, was Anne’s favorite descriptor of her late husband Findley, which meant she was thinking of how she and Findley had shut down Finn’s ability to show emotion when he was little when she said ‘repressed.’

“And you think I’m repressing, not just being the noble, silent type.”

Anne took a sip of her own nightly tea, which was a habit Leia had introduced her to. “I think something’s been bothering you for a while now, and I can’t think of another way of getting you to share without just outright asking you. So that’s what I’m doing. I am not being subtle.”

It sometimes amazed Leia that Anne was related to Finn.

She weighed her options as she pulled the brush through one more time. Fully brushed out, the hair just tickled the base of her spine. She shook it out, then quickly pulled it into a simple braid for sleeping. She grabbed the mug and joined Anne on the bed, leaning against her headboard and pulling a foot up under her. From this angle she could just barely see the still boarded-up brewery that for legal reasons Leia couldn’t touch. She looked away sharply. “I guess I’m feeling sentimental tonight.”

Anne readjusted herself so she was facing Leia, trying, Leia supposed, to look casual but just looking extremely uncomfortable with the circumstances. She played with the pendant, the one she always wore, which Leia knew Findley had given her. “I can understand that.”

Leia didn’t respond, let the silence grow long, then finally sighed. “Lately I feel like everything is an anniversary of sorts. I remember the first time I met Han, or the first day we had sex.” Leia smiled a bit when Anne cringed. “It’s just always worse in the winter. I always feel like January is the longest month of the year. And I've let go of most of my winter duties, traded them off to Poe.”

Anne was nodding now. “The farm work, working in the earth, it renews you. Of course things seem tougher in the winter when you can’t do that.”

Sometimes Anne could be more perceptive than Leia was expecting. “It’s funny, when I was a teenager, when I first met Han, I never wanted to settle anywhere. The life of the road was the life for me. Now, I feel so tied to this place.”

“And you’ve created a place that other people feel tied to,” Anne replied, her face contemplative.

Leia thought of Ben. “Just some people.” She forced a smile when Anne looked concerned. “Don’t worry about me, Anne. I’m just feeling sentimental," she repeated.

Anne looked unsure if she should press or not, but decided not to, getting up off the bed and heading for the door. “You know where to find me if you need me,” she said, closing Leia’s door behind her.

Leia knew she was brooding. She  _ hated  _ brooding, but maybe she was where Ben had gotten it from. She was brooding over the fact that she’d been trying to contact Ben for more than six months. She’d been trying to contact him since the moment she’d seen him in Salem, assisting a heavily pregnant woman out of a car and kissing her on the cheek.

She hadn’t told anyone what she’d seen, hadn’t speculated with anyone what it might mean. Finn and Poe were dealing with their own lives; they had three kids now, and while they were busy, they were so, so happy. Besides, it’s not like either Poe or Finn would welcome Ben as a conversation topic.

She finished her tea and settled herself, flicking off the light and willing herself to sleep.

\-------------------------------------

Cassandra Calrissian swung up into the huge pick up that was obviously a farm truck. Her brother always teased that she got up into the cab through sheer force of will, because her short stature certainly wasn’t doing the job. That was normally when she proved to her brother that short people were no less willing to defend their honor fiercely.

Her sister? She just claimed Cassie was overcompensating for her height, trying to prove herself among the boys’ club in the Ag department at Oregon State.

She checked herself in the rearview out of habit, hastily retied her braids, a myriad of browns and tans, back into a bun. There was nothing to be done about the mud on her jeans, not that Leia would probably care. But her mother’s Southern dictates were ingrained in her, no matter how much the job she’d chosen was the opposite of anything Mother would have wanted her to do, and going to visit someone in dirty clothes was definitely a no-no.

“Can’t be helped,” she muttered to herself, muscling the pickup into gear and driving the short distance to Organa’s Organics.

As she pulled up to the parking lot, deserted in the winter months, Cassie watched Leia walk down the steps of the main house, bundled up in rain gear. It was sprinkling now, probably would get harder as the day went on.

She hopped out of the truck, closing the door behind her and walking the longest strides she could to reach Leia quickly. “Leia.” She said the word, then swept the older woman up into a hug before she could think twice about it. She’d always been a hugger, something else that had been a no-no in Mrs. Calrissian’s Southern rule book as well. Cassie pulled back, arms still on Leia’s, and peered at her surprised face. “You don’t recognize me.” Undeterred, she stepped back and held out her hand. “Cassandra Calrissian. You might remember me as Cassie. You probably saw me last at,” Cassie trailed off, annoyed at herself for pausing before saying,  “... Dad’s service.” Leia had come through the receiving line, but they’d barely talked.

A look of sadness crossed quickly over Leia’s face before she cleared it and put on a warm smile. Lando and Han had been good friends with a tumultuous relationship; bringing up her dad probably brought up Leia’s feelings about Han as well.  “Of course, Cassie. I’m sorry I didn’t place you right away.  What brings you to my farm?”

Cassie gestured away from the market building. “I know it’s raining, but Oregonians are built for that, right? Take a walk with me?”

Leia started walking, murmuring, “Sure.”

They walked down the driveway, which would take them past the split between Organa and Calrissian land. Cassie was looking out at the fields, not yet ready for planting. “It’s a depressing time of year for farmers, isn’t it?”

Leia gave a soft chuckle. “You know, I was just thinking the same thing not long ago.”

Cassie contemplated the fields, felt the yearning in her gut. “I’m going to get the land going again. The hops fields, the brewery. I wanted you to know that. I know how important Han’s legacy was to you, and now I feel like it’s my dad’s, and I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to do it before.”

Leia stopped Cassie with an hand on her shoulder. “Cassie, you don’t have to apologize. No one would have guessed that Lando would get so sick right after buying the land.”

Cassie gave her a tentative smile. “Still, it’s not what you wanted.”

“Lando dying wasn’t what I wanted. The land could wait. It’ll be good to see something happening with it now, though.”

It was happening without the support of her family, and with the help of a large mortgage on the land. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t worried.

They turned around at the sound of hoofbeats, Leia waving to a man in a cowboy hat riding up on a pretty brown and white horse. “Everything okay here?” The man’s voice was polite enough, but Cassie could hear a tinge of protectiveness in it.

“Poe, this is Cassie Calrissian,” Leia gestured at the woman. Poe dismounted, holding out a hand. “Cassie, Poe Dameron, my farm manager, and future owner of Organa’s.” Poe seemed to pause a little at being described that way, but shook her hand warmly.

Cassie knew she gave a stronger shake than other women, but she liked to start out tough so the farm boys got past their sexist mentalities. “Glad to meet you. We’re going to be neighbors.”

Poe glanced at Leia, and she nodded. “Cassie’s going to be starting up the brewery again.”

“Do you have any experience with that?”

Poe’s question bristled under Cassie’s skin. “Yeah, I interned last summer at Rogue. And I just graduated from OSU.” Poe had a flash of skepticism on his face before he schooled it into a kind expression, which annoyed Cassie further. Determined to prove herself to the man, she piped up with, “What school did you go to?” Her tone was overly pleasant.

“I learned what I need to know on the farm,” Poe answered easily, with an undertone of defensiveness.

Leia looked just the slightest bit exasperated with the two of them. “So, Cassie, when are you starting?”

Cassie turned deliberately away from Poe and gestured to her muddy jeans. “Already started getting caught up on winter work. It’s going to take a lot to get everything back into shape in time for spring planting.”

“Snap and I could help,” Poe volunteered, immediately looking like he hadn’t wanted to blurt that out.

Cassie raised her eyebrows. So Poe wanted to waffle between being nice and thinking she wasn't cut out for the job? “I’ll let you know,” she replied cautiously. They started back to the house, Poe leading his horse along the drive. When they got to her pickup, Cassie needed no help drawing herself up into the cab. “Don’t be strangers, you’re always welcome at my place.”

\---------------------------

It didn’t take Leia long to take Cassie up on her offer. After being blocked from Han’s land, then not wanting to be depressed by watching it go to seed, she felt like she needed to see what Cassie was doing.

She ended up staying, helping Cassie with winter work like beating back blackberries and cleaning out fields, work that she’d given up long ago on the farm. As Leia helped clean up what she still thought of as Han’s place, she felt some of her weariness with the winter start to lift. So she made it a regular habit to go and help Cassie for a few hours a day.  Sometimes Poe joined her, or Snap and Elisa, or even Anne and Caleb or Finn and the girls, depending on the day. But most of the time, it was just Cassie and her.

There was a small manager’s cottage on the property, which was where Cassie was staying, and most afternoons, she invited Leia back to it for tea. On this particular afternoon, though, Cassie went to the small fridge and pulled out two beers, using her keys to pop the tops off and setting one in front of Leia.

Leia raised a brow. “What’s the occasion?”

Cassie turned a chair around and straddled it, taking a sip of beer and staring intently at Leia.  “What happened between you and your son?”

Leia eyed her, took a drink of her beer, then set the bottle down deliberately. “What makes you bring the subject up?”

“Because at first I thought maybe you were bored, and that’s why you’re helping me. But you’re still sad, and the hops farm is closer to being what Han wanted it to be than it has been in the last five years. I guess I was thinking it might be related to your son, and him not being the one here fixing this place up.”

It was like it was the question Leia had been waiting for someone to ask. Her mind sighed in relief, and before she really knew what she was doing, she explained, “He drifted away from me. It felt like the more I tried to pull him closer, to keep him here, to keep him mine, the more he had to drift away, the farther he got.” Leia had never gotten so close to saying what her heart had thought all these years, that she and Ben being estranged was entirely her fault.

Cassie drank again. “My mom and I have kind of a hard relationship-”

“Are you still speaking to her?” Leia cut her off.

“Well, yeah, I mean, not much lately, because I’ve been busy, but if I didn’t call her at least on Sundays, she’d throw a fit.”

“I haven't really spoken to my son in over four years. He doesn’t approve of what I do, of where I come from, of what I’ve done in the past. Since he was a pre-teen it felt like he was trying to be the adult in our family.” Leia ran a hand over her hair, circled in a braid around her head, smoothing it out. Her hand was shaking a little when she grabbed the beer from the table. “I miss him.” A drink of beer. “I’ve never said that aloud before. He- He doesn’t have a lot of friends here at the farm,” she said sarcastically. “I wouldn’t feel right saying that to Poe or Finn, not after what he did to them. But I miss him, so much. I miss my boy.” Leia felt a tear well up, drop, and roll over her cheek.

Cassie reached out, laid a comforting hand on Leia’s knee. “I’m sorry,” she murmured.

\------------------------------------

Cassie opened the door to the accounting firm with trepidation. She wasn’t sure she was making the right decision here, but she’d already fallen in love with Leia Organa, like a gentler version of her mom, and she wanted to help the older woman.

She strode confidently to the receptionist. “I have an appointment with Mr. Solo. I’d like to be a new client.” She was directed to sit, but she didn’t have to wait long before the receptionist led her back to Ben’s office.

She didn’t know why she was expecting Ben to recognize her, they’d only met a few times as kids, and he didn’t, a pleasant smile she knew was for clients resting on his face. He looked different than the picture Leia had showed him. Of course, that picture had been from high school. He’d been clean cut, wearing a tie and suit coat and holding up an award for FBLA.  

He looked...  _ softer  _ …now, Cassie decided. His hair was longer, black and curling at the edges around his ears. He’d grown into his ears and nose, just enough to make him skirt the edge of handsome. He had one of those faces that was just odd enough to be attractive. Oh, and he was at least a foot taller than her.

He held out a hand, shook Cassie’s, and indicated to one of the client seats across from his desk. “I’m afraid Stephanie only got your first name, Cassandra…”

Well, he’d recognize her now. “Calrissian. Everyone calls me Cassie but my mother, though.” She smiled a little when his eyes widened. “Yes,  _ that  _ Calrissian.”

Ben sat abruptly. “So Lando was your…”

“My father,” she responded quietly, sitting as well.

“My condolences.” He looked away, to a framed photo that Cassie couldn’t see the subject of. “Is this… are you here to… why are you here?”

Cassie continued confidently. “Well, I’m going to be hiring staff soon, for planting, for summer work. It would be useful to have an accountant.”

He just struck her with a baleful stare. “Cassandra, why are you here? Did Poe send you? Or that lawyer husband of his?”

“I’m here because of your mom.”

He sat up a little straighter. “Is something wrong? Surely Poe would have called me if-”

“No,” she rushed to reassure him. “No, nothing’s wrong. I mean, nothing life threatening. Why haven’t you called her back?”

A brooding look crossed his face. “She doesn’t really want me back.”

Cassie was unable to stop herself from rolling her eyes. “So, if you thought she wanted to talk to you, you’d contact her?”

Ben turned, looking out his office window. “The last time I was on that farm… I’ve done bad things, I know that now, but I’m not looking for forgiveness.” Cassie was fairly sure he hadn’t intended for her to hear the next part. “I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

Her mother had always complained that the whole Solo-Organa family could be overly dramatic. Apparently that rang true with her generation as well. “Listen, Ben. Can I call you Ben?” She plowed forward anyway. “Listen. What if you met on neutral ground? No Poe, no  _ Finn _ ,” she overemphasized the name because it had annoyed her he hadn’t used it, “Just your mother, you, and me, I can act as a neutral party. I wasn’t here when shit went down. I just want Leia to stop being sad.”

She could tell he was still brooding. “I’ll be your client for real. You can help me figure out exactly how I’m going to start paying my mortgage back. I have all kinds of numbers, I’m sure it will be thrilling for you.” She smiled sweetly.

The corners of his mouth tipped from frowning to neutral, which Cassie took as a victory.  After a few more moments of silence, he nodded. “Did you have a time and place in mind?”

\--------------------------------

“This place is lovely, Cassie.” Leia glanced around the small Corvallis tea house and bookstore. It was cozy, comforting.

“This was my favorite hangout during school,” Cassie admitted.

Leia smiled broadly. “Had I gone to college, I think I probably would have been drawn to something a little different, but I can see the appeal.”

She began to take a drink of her orange pekoe tea out of the dainty china cup when a tall figure caught her eye and she did a double take. The cup clattered back into its plate as Leia put a hand to her throat. “Ben?” She stood.

It was. It was him. Her son, who she’d only seen from a distance once in the last five years. He stood by Cassie’s chair, awkward and uncomfortable. She held her arms wide, though she didn’t really expect him to come to her.

He did. Before she could say his name again, he was slipping his arms around hers, her head hitting his chest. He quickly released her, though, and sat down. “Uh, hi,” he said in a low voice.

Leia collapsed back into her chair, but Cassie sat forward. “I hope you’re not mad that I interfered, Leia.”

Leia couldn’t take her eyes off of Ben, and so she didn’t miss the brief look of fondness that passed over Ben’s face as he flicked his eyes at Cassie, then back at her. “I’m not mad, Cassie.”

“Cassandra came to see me a few days ago. She thought that...she made it seem like you’d be willing to forgive me?” Ben’s eyes were pleading.

“I...you want to be forgiven?”

Ben looked over at Cassie again, and Leia thought it was very interesting that she nodded, encouraging him. “I don’t go to Snoke’s church anymore. After what I did to Finn, I was never able to sit with Snoke’s explanation that what I did was okay. I still go to a church, but they’re much more live and let live.”

Leia reached over to lay a hand on the armrest of Ben’s chair, not quite bold enough to touch him yet. “Live and let live, eh? Sounds kind of hippyish to me.” She gave a small half smile, and winked at him. “But I called you months ago, and you never called me back,” Leia said, implying a question.

Ben blushed. “I kept trying to work up the courage to ask for forgiveness, and for forgiveness for selling Dad’s land. But I’m not strong enough.”

Cassie made a small dismissive sound. “You’re strong enough now.”

“I called because I saw you, with a woman. A pregnant woman. I thought maybe you had gotten married, were starting a family without telling me.”

Ben’s eyes widened. “No, I don’t know… it must have been a client?” He covered Leia’s hand with his own. “I’d like to think that I would have called you before making any changes like that.” His smile was weak, but it was there, and Cassie’s smile was on full brights now, and so Leia smiled back.

“I don’t want to go so long without talking to you again, Benny.” Leia kicked herself internally for using the nickname he had told her he hated. “I’m sorry, I mean Ben.”

Ben gave a little deep chuckle. “It’s okay, I don’t mind. I don’t want to either. But… Poe and Finn. Won’t I upset them if I come around?”

Leia nodded. “I’m not going to lie to you. You’ll have to ask forgiveness there as well. If you don’t think that’s something you can do… well, we could talk on the phone, but Ben, you don’t want to live with guilt for so long, or it eats you alive. I know.”

“And you might have to accept that they won’t forgive you,” Cassie added.

Leia looked her son in the eyes. “I can try to make it work with them if you’re willing to try too.”

He swallowed, and nodded. “I want to come home, Mom.”


	43. Arm Candy - Rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn's attending a Social Justice law conference in San Diego and takes Poe with him for some one-on-one Finn-Poe time.
> 
> Includes a new smut scene that was too short to put in Out of Time.

“Babe, time to wake up,” Poe groaned as he bumped Finn’s shoulder with his own affectionately. Finn groaned back. “No, you told me 7:00. You have to get up.” The hotel room in San Diego that Finn's law firm had put him up in for the Social Justice law conference was posh, and Poe had to admit that the comfy bed was hard to leave.

Finn muttered something under his breath and stretched, turning on the bedside lamp, then sat up, peering down at Poe, sprawled out on the perfectly white hotel sheets in all his naked glory. A small grin appeared on Finn’s face as Poe looked up at him, eyes still half shut. Poe figured he must be remembering their adventures of the night before. God bless open bars. “You know, Poe, I don’t know what it is about hotels… I have literally seen this same sight, well, maybe not the naked part, but I’ve seen you wake up every day for three years now. And yet there’s something about you that looks particularly delectable this morning.”

“Oh yeah?” Poe answered, opening his eyes a little more. “Maybe it’s the fact that none of our three beautiful and gorgeous and lovely children that I love with all my heart are trying to annoy us out of our bed.”

Finn laughed. “Maybe it is. You know, my first session doesn’t start until 8:30, if I skip breakfast…” He moved to straddle Poe.

“I thought you wanted to network at breakfast, didn’t you say that’s what this conference was really all about?” Poe rolled his hips upward, biting his lip at the sensation.

“Who wants to network when everyone is bleary eyed from their hangovers? Ah, ah, I have plenty of time to - ohhh - plenty of time to-”

“What’s the matter, babe? Something distracting you?” Poe’s fingers slipped further in between Finn’s cheeks, teasing his hole.

“Jesus Christ, Poe,” Finn moaned, taking both of their erections in his hand and smiling a bit when Poe made a soft growling sound. He leaned down over Poe’s body and locked their lips together.

\----------------------

“I guess I should probably shower now,” Finn whispered, totally collapsed on top of Poe, a look of utter satisfaction on his face. It made Poe want to kiss every single inch of skin Finn had, though he was sure he’d covered all of that territory by now.

“Yeah, you have to look professional.” Poe gave Finn a light slap on the ass, encouraging him to get up. Finn grinned, placed one last kiss beneath Poe’s ear, making him shiver, and lifted himself away from their combined sticky mess.

“And what are you going to do?” Finn threw a hand towel at Poe so he could clean up, then walked into the bathroom to start the shower.

“Oh, I’ll probably catch up on my reading.” Poolside, in the San Diego sun. Poe grinned. It wasn't a bad deal, tagging along with Finn on something like this.

“Oh yeah?  How many Deadpool issues did you bring?” Finn called over the sound of the water.

“Don’t make fun of me, you know I don’t want the kids finding them. Reading the digital ones isn’t as… I don’t know… visceral.”

"I've heard the other spouses meet up for margaritas. I'm sure you'll fit right in." Finn's voice was a light tease.

"Babe, if this is what it's like to be your little woman, I'm all for it." Poe drew back the shower curtain and joined Finn under the spray. “Hey, you need someone to wash your back?”

Finn looked over his shoulder at Poe, eyes demure, voice low and husky. “I’m pretty sure you always have my back, right, baby?”

Poe’s smile was soft. “Always.” He pressed a kiss to Finn’s spine to mark his words.

\-----------------------------------

**Poe:** How’s home?

**Meghan:** Don’t worry about us, Dad.

**Poe:** You know that saying that means I’m going to worry, right?

**Meghan:** Have a look for yourself:

[Meghan sent an image of Caleb, Amelia, Leia and Anne, all looking happy, sitting around the table eating dinner.]

**Meghan:** See? No teenage hijinks.

Poe smirked.

**Poe:** I love you. And I trust you. Teenage hijinks are the last thing I’m worried about.

The little three dots appeared for a good minute before Meghan’s text appeared, and Poe knew from the shortness of it that he’d caught her off guard and she’d had to formulate an answer.

**Meghan:** Thank you.  <3

Poe was still smiling down at his phone when he heard Finn use his keycard to enter their room. He turned, already preparing an explanation for why he wasn’t ready yet, with his feet still bare and his white dress shirt hanging open and loose from his black suit pants. “Babe, I know we said 6:45, I’ll be ready soon, I swear, I just wanted to check up on home-” He was cut off by the look of blatant lust on Finn’s face as his husband crossed the room to him.

Finn was looking him up and down, pressing closer to him, and Poe felt himself bump into the dresser. “I’d love to tell you to just stay like this, but somehow I don’t think you’re quite black tie yet.” Finn looked like he was unable to stop himself when he ran his hands up Poe’s chest, stopping to press into the springy hair over his pecs that was sprinkled with gray just like his beard. “I don’t know what it is about being away from home that makes me stop and really look at you, Poe, but God, I can’t help myself.”

Poe’s grin was quick and sure. “6:45 a firm deadline?”

Finn moved in further, began pressing kisses down Poe’s neck and across his collarbone. “No one shows up at these galas on time.” 

"Still, we need to be quick," Poe murmured, sighing when Finn's teeth raked over his pulse point. 

"I can do quick." Finn dropped to his knees, pulling Poe's cock out and swallowing the head immediately.

Poe jumped, then ran his fingers through the small tufts on Finn's head. "Christ-" He sucked in a breath as Finn worked him all the way down. Finn was still fully dressed in his suit, on his knees before, bobbing up and down on his cock- it was too much to take in. Poe groaned, cupping the back of Finn's head and sagging against the dresser, letting Finn take the lead. 

"You're so good, baby," Poe breathed out, shuddering as Finn's fingers cupped his balls. Finn hummed around his cock in acknowledgement, and that's what set Poe off, exploding in Finn's mouth. He watched Finn's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed everything. 

He fell to his knees, sweeping Finn up in an embrace, kissing him with everything he had. 

"You- bare feet- you just kill me, baby," Finn murmured against his lips, grinding his hips into Poe's side. 

Poe grinned, and pushed Finn down to his back. "Glad I inspire you, still." 

Finn made a tsking sound. "I'd have to be dead to not be inspired, Poe." 

Poe released Finn's dick and stroked over the hard length of it. "You are most definitely not dead." He was still grinning as he leaned in to blow Finn.

\---------------------

All things considered, they weren’t that late for the conference gala. Poe broke away from Finn to get them some drinks, then hovered nearby when he discovered Finn talking with some colleagues about a workshop they’d attended that day. Pride swelled in Poe, looking at his mate, so collected, so professional, so goddamned handsome in the midnight blue tux. He so rarely got to see Finn in his element; more often Finn had made sacrifices to accommodate life on the farm. He was glad he’d been able to come to San Diego with Finn to see this. Did he feel out of place in the ballroom of elegant people dressed to the nines? Sure. But Finn had always made an effort to fit in at the farm, and Poe could give him this.

“Are you also a spouse?” Poe turned at the voice and a light touch to his elbow, and found himself facing an elegant older woman. Her little chuckle was low and sultry, even for her age. “It’s impossible sometimes to get my husband to pay attention to me at this type of thing. Miranda Hutchins.” The woman held out one hand, in the old fashioned way that meant she intended Poe to kiss her knuckles. Absolutely charmed (as he always was by sass), he obliged her.

“Poe Dameron. Yes, that’s my husband over there, in the blue suit.”

“Oh my, good for you,” she murmured as she took a sip from her martini.

“Thanks, ma’am.” He felt awkward holding both drinks, and set one down on a nearby table. He’d get another for Finn later.

“Don’t worry, if you attend these things long enough, you get used to being the beautiful arm candy. I promise it gets less awkward.”

Poe laughed despite himself. “I’m not sure anyone would ever consider me arm candy, ma’am.”

Miranda eyed him up and down, and he blushed. “Whatever you say, Mr. Dameron.”

They were interrupted then by an older man in the dress blues of a colonel. Poe felt himself stand at attention automatically. The man noted his posture and smiled. “You must have been enlisted, son?” The colonel placed an arm intimately around Miranda’s waist. “At ease, soldier. Colonel Hutchins, retired. No need for all the pomp.”

Poe felt himself relax marginally. “Uh, sorry. Old habit. Army, 10th Division, Rapier Squadron. Private, First Class Dameron.” He willed his hand not to shake as he held it out and Colonel Hutchins gripped it firmly. It was the first time he’d used his full rank since his record had been cleared.

“Leave it to my Miranda to find the other Army boy in the room.” The Colonel smiled down at his wife, who smirked at him.

“What can I say, dear? I’m good at picking out the interesting ones.”

The Colonel looked back at Poe. “Are you a lawyer, now? I’m presenting on veteran rights and dealing with the VA tomorrow morning.”

Miranda chuckled. “Oh dear, always self-promoting. No, Poe’s a tag-along, like me.”

“You’re never just a tag-along to me, Mir,” Hutchins murmured as he leaned down to brush a kiss over Miranda’s perfectly coiffed white hair. “Rapier Squadron, huh? You wouldn’t happen to know a Sergeant Kun, would you?”

“Karé Kun?” Poe’s eyes widened in surprise. “Yeah, she was with me before...she was with me in Afghanistan.”

“Small world, I was just working with her last week on a presentation to the VFW governing board, about the VA’s continued lack of response to criticism regarding wait time. I’m sure you’re aware that some vets have to wait-”

“Honey, I’m sure Mr. Dameron doesn’t want to hear your whole presentation.”

“Actually, I’d love to talk about the veteran experience, Colonel. I manage an organic farm in Oregon, and I want to find a way to use it to help veterans, somehow. I was thinking about a fostering program? My husband and I have experience with the foster system for children, but what if I could create a temporary program for adults who need a stable place to live, a place to earn money, and have healthy relationships with other veterans… It’s just something I’ve been thinking about,” Poe finished lamely, aware that he had pulled a Finn and babbled. 

He felt a presence at his side, and smiled instantly when he realized Finn was there to back him up. Finn’s hand rested on his hip. He quickly introduced his husband to the Hutchins.

The Colonel looked thoughtful. “I think that’s an interesting idea, son. Who have you talked to about it?”

“Uh, to be honest, Colonel, just you.”

Colonel Hutchins gestured to a small patio. “How about we get out of this stuffy ballroom for a bit and talk particulars?  Oregon, huh? I think I have some contacts I could give you to help you along.” They began to walk to the open doors.

Behind him, he heard Miranda murmur to Finn, “I just  _ love  _ when arm candy comes with a brain, don’t you?”

Finn sounded confused when he replied, “Arm candy?” as Miranda laughed.

\--------------------------------------

Poe and Finn were still riding the high of adult time when they got home late Sunday evening. Finn popped up to check on Meghan, but Caleb and Amelia were over at the main house, so Poe waited for Finn outside.  When he came out, Poe couldn’t resist drawing his husband up into an embrace. “Not quite ready to let go yet,” Poe admitted. Finn’s smile was small, quiet, but the love shining in his eyes spoke loudly enough. “I love you.”

Finn squeezed him tightly, then released him, retaining a hold on one of his hands as they turned to walk toward the farm. “I love you, too.” He brought their joined hands up for a kiss. Poe quickened his pace a bit, and Finn laughed. “You missed them too, huh?”

Poe grinned. “Stupidly. Silly right?”

“Nah, because you’re a cheeseball. I loved having you to myself for a bit, but even just looking in on Meghan settled something inside me.”

“At least I’m not the only cheeseball in the family.”  Somewhere in the distance, an owl made its presence known. Poe took a deep breath. “For me, it’s not just the kids, although that’s a big part of it. It’s this place along with the people. I think that the program is going to help veterans, Finn.”

Finn’s eyes were deep and full of emotion as they looked at his. “I know it will.”

They held a comfortable silence as they walked, finally reaching the main house and letting themselves in. Poe heard voices in the living room and walked that direction. When he took in the scene there, though, he stepped in front of Finn and placed a protective arm to hold him back.

Anne and Cassie Calrissian were playing with Caleb on the floor, banging blocks together. Leia was sitting in a chair, quietly sipping tea.

And Amelia was happily reading a book to Ben Solo, comfortably perched in his lap.

“What in-” Poe managed, as everyone in the room looked up at him, and behind him, Finn made a little sound of distress.


	44. Please don't do this - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback. It first appeared in Out of Time as chapter 4.  
> This takes place during Poe's childhood and teenage years. It's the story of Ben rejecting Poe, so:
> 
> CW: Homophobia, homophobic slur, racist slur.

Poe Dameron knew for sure he liked boys in the fourth grade. Shara figured it out pretty quickly, too, when she was called into the school principal’s office and told that Poe had hit on another boy with a line from the Deadpool comics. Actually, the teacher, the principal, the other boy’s parents, all of them figured Poe was just being a prepubescent boy, spouting off stuff he didn’t know about, and Shara let them think that. When she got Poe home, though, and was watching him do the dishes as the first part of his punishment, she asked.

“<How do you feel about Manuel, Poe?>”

Poe halfheartedly scrubbed at a dinner plate. “<I like him.>”

“<Answer in English, your teacher says you need to practice, and so do I.>” She softened her command with a smile.

“I like him, mama.”

“<Do you like him like I like your father?>”

Poe’s little shoulders shrugged, then sagged. “I’m not supposed to.”

Unable to resist, Shara swept her baby up in a hug from behind, then turned him around to look him in the eyes.  “<My little one, I want you to love who you love. It’s okay. Your father and I will never, ever not love you. Not if you like boys. Not if you like girls. Not if you want to join the seminary and like only God.>” Poe wrinkled his nose and opened his mouth, probably, Shara thought, to protest the idea of being a man of God. Ah well, some parental dreams must die. She cut him off before he could shatter her illusion, though. “<But Poe, I need you to understand, and be safe. Because it’s not safe for you here, it’s not safe for boys who like boys. Next month, when we move, it won’t be safe there either. There are places in this country where you’d be safe, but we can’t be there. There’s no work for people like us there.>” Shara placed a kiss on Poe’s forehead, held him tight even when he wanted to squirm away. “<So I love you, all of you, but for your safety, I need you to pretend…>”

\--------------------------

Poe Dameron knew for sure he didn’t like girls several years later, after accompanying Christina to the 8th grade dance. He’d asked her, partially to go along with his mom’s directive of ‘pretending,’ and partially to see if he was just full-on gay or something else. Poe knew that any 8th grade dance was bound to be awkward, but touching Christina’s waist felt downright wrong, and before they went out to their respective parent’s cars, he chickened out and pecked her quickly on the cheek.

Definitely full-on gay.

\-----------------------------

In high school, Poe struggled to follow Shara’s directive, as much as he knew it was in his best interest. There was a big news story in the next town over, about a Gay-Straight Alliance club at a school being refused time to meet, and the ACLU had gotten involved and everything. It had not made anyone at Poe’s school want to start a GSA.  The times of the year he was at Independence High School, he latched on to Jenny, a closeted lesbian, and they used each other as beards.  When he was in one of the other high schools, he kept his mouth shut about it. He flew under the radar as one of those kids that gets along with every clique, but didn’t really hang out with any of them. He was nice, so it worked. The benefit of moving so much was being able to make friends easily, even if they were never good friends, deep friends, best friends. That was okay, because he had one of those.

His parents knew. Leia and Han knew. And Ben knew. Ben, his best friend, even if they only got to hang out for part of the year together. It was the good part of the year, anyway. The Damerons usually spent most of second semester and the first half of summer on Organa’s. Poe had told Ben early on, and to his relief, it hadn’t made a difference in their friendship. In some ways, Poe felt like the farm was the only place he was allowed to truly be himself, his only safe haven. He lived for the 5 months they got to spend there every year. Every homophobic slur said so easily in a class, every time someone asked him when he was going to get a girlfriend, all of it just slid right off of him as long as he remembered that he’d be at Organa’s soon.

Until Snoke. When the Damerons moved back to Independence in Poe’s junior year, Ben didn’t come out to see them pull in like he always did.

Running into the main house, taking the stairs double, Poe eagerly knocked on Ben’s door. The door cracked open just wide enough for Ben’s body. “Hey, buddy!” Poe went in for a hug, but Ben put his arms up.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Don’t--what?” Poe was completely flabbergasted. But it was Ben, and sometimes Ben was moody.  Maybe it was a new thing. “Sorry, of course, whatever you want.”  When Ben just stood there, glaring at him, Poe shuffled his feet. “So, uh, want to catch a movie tonight? Head into Salem for dinner? I finally got my license, and Dad said I could take the truck.” Poe’s face split into his most winning smile as he thought of it.

Ben remained stony. “I don’t hang out with your kind anymore.”

The smile fell from Poe’s face. “My...kind? Like...Hispanics?” He was shocked. Ben had never, ever said anything racist before. In 9th grade, he’d punched a boy who called Poe a ‘wetback.’ When the story had finally been dragged from the boys, Han had clapped his son on the back and told him he was proud of him, and Ben had blushed, but preened.

Ben seemed to glare harder, as if the idea of him being racist was that personally offensive. “No, I’ve found Jesus, I’ve been cleansed, Snoke says, but not if I hang out with fags like you.” Ben stepped back and shut the door with a click that echoed in the hallway.

Poe stood there in shock, pale, a cold sweat breaking out on his skin. And then he did something he would think back on and regret for much of the next 20 years. He begged. He leaned his head against Ben’s doorway, and begged. “Please don’t do this, Ben. You’re the only one who knows me. You can’t do this.” Tears were falling down his cheeks, and he raised his fist to keep knocking on the door, but when only silence answered, he flattened his palm on the door and let out one sob.

The sound of his sob shocked him back into action. He balled up his hand into a fist, but kept the sense about him to not use it on Leia’s property. He swiped furiously at the tears on his face, stopping by the bathroom to wash his face so that no one would know what had happened. And he let the anger mend his broken heart, but it did so with jagged edges. The anger carried him through high school, and into the military. Into reckless situations. Into the arms of a fellow soldier. Through his parents' death. It was only when he was back on the farm permanently, back with Leia and Han, that the land soothed him, that the anger began to subside, that the jagged edges started to smooth over, that Poe Dameron became the kind of man that Finn Smith would want to love, want to marry, want to spend his life with.


	45. Fallout - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the fallout of the Ben Situation

“Daddies!” Amelia launched herself off of Ben’s lap, heading straight for Poe and Finn, and Finn stepped around Poe’s protective arm to kneel and hug his little girl, because if he focused on Amelia, he could let his mind settle a bit before trying to focus on whatever the hell  _ he  _ was here for. It annoyed Finn that his first instinct had been flight over fight, and he fought his rapid heartbeat. He was not in danger, and he was strong.

“Hey sweet pea,” he murmured, gathering Amelia into a close hug which Caleb soon joined. “You miss us?”

“Sooooo much, Daddy. But we had fun here too,” Amelia said, because of course his girl would never want to upset anyone. She was a classic conflict avoider.

Which was why he stood, lifting Caleb and settling the boy on his hip, and smiled at the room. He pushed through, saying, “Ben,” with a small nod. Everyone was standing now, and Leia’s hands were clasped tightly together. He didn’t have to look at his husband to know that Poe was still tense beside him. “We should probably get the kiddos to bed.” He made a motion vaguely in the direction of their property.

“I hope that we can talk tomorrow?” Leia’s voice was hesitant as she looked at Poe.

Poe nodded stiffly. “Are their bags ready?” His words were a low monotone.

Anne touched Poe’s arm gently. “Not quite, but why don’t Amelia and I come help you get everything together.” She tried to steer Poe out of the living room, but Poe wouldn’t budge until Finn nodded at him to tell him he would be okay with Ben.

Finn wasn’t quite okay, but his heartbeat had calmed, especially when Caleb had laid into his side, resting his head on Finn’s chest.  _ Little things that felt like home,  _ he thought. He pressed a kiss into Caleb’s hair, smoothing it back some, leaving his hand resting there to hold Caleb close, even rocking himself a bit. All of this, he told himself, was to sooth Caleb, but it worked to soothe himself as well as he endured Ben’s continued presence.

“Finn, I need-”

Finn cut Ben off with a shake of his head. “You don’t get to tell me what you need.” He kept the anger out of voice for the Caleb’s sake. “We’ll have our talk with Leia tomorrow. But you don’t get to talk about  _ needs  _ with me.”

Cassie took Ben by the elbow. “Leia, I think we should go. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” Leia nodded, hands still clenched, eyes wet but refusing to drop any tears. She walked with them to the front door.

When she returned to Finn, she ran a hand down Caleb’s back before looking into Finn’s eyes with a plea for him to understand. “He’s my son,” she said simply.

\---------------------------------------

The second both Finn and Poe were able to finally go to bed that night, Poe wrapped himself immediately around Finn, not in a sexual manner, but in a protective way.  _ Sometimes el oso earned his name off of the soccer field, too,  _ Finn thought. “I’m fine. It was a shock, to see him there, when the last time I saw him was that law office, and he was so hateful. But I’m fine, Poe.”

Poe nuzzled into his neck. “I probably shouldn’t have worried, but dammit, what right does she have to pull that on us? Expose our children to the man who attacked you?” He let out a shuddery breath, and Finn knew he was thinking about a night spent in a hospital, Finn’s blood on his clothing.

Finn reached behind him, turned off the light, and nestled back into Poe’s arms. “I’m okay,” he murmured again.

\-----------------------------------------

The mood around Leia’s kitchen table was tense, even when Anne placed piping hot mugs of tea in front of everyone. Finn had come back in for an extended lunch, time he really couldn’t afford after being gone for the conference, so he was feeling a little impatient along with the heady mix of other emotions running through him. At least Ben wasn’t joining them...yet, anyway. Poe was still in protective mode, an arm slung around Finn’s back, fingers snug at his waist.

“I want to explain,” Leia began, folding her hands around the tea mug. “But first, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I caught you off guard like that. Ben showing up was a surprise, apparently he’d been out to Cassie’s to look at something in the brewery, and I wasn’t watching the time-”

“So you would have just not told us that Ben had met our children. Not told us that you let him play with them.” Poe’s voice dripped acid, and Finn had never seen Poe truly mad at Leia, hadn’t been sure that could really happen.

Finn saw the guilt flash over Leia’s face before she straightened a little. “I would never put your children in an unsafe environment. God, Poe, I love them, what do you take me for?”

Poe looked unmoved. “I’m not sure anymore.”

Anne cleared her throat. “Listen, I’m obviously the person here with the least experience with Ben, just my knowledge of his attack on Finn. I wanted to slap him so much, honey,” she confessed, her eyes on Finn, “because he hurt my baby. But he’s made Leia so happy over the past weeks.”

Finn raised his eyebrows. “Weeks?”

Leia kept her gaze steady, defiant even. “I’ve been meeting him off the farm. Long enough to see that he’s not the person he was.  I truly believe he’s not the person who attacked you, Finn.”

Poe scoffed, his eyes challenging Leia’s. “That doesn’t belie the fact that Finn and I get to make the decisions about who our children are in contact with.”

“He’s not going to hurt your children. In my opinion, they’re good for him.”

“Does he know about Meghan?” Finn asked quietly.

Leia faltered. “I didn’t- He hasn’t met her yet. I’ve talked about her, but I didn’t bring it up, because…” She trailed off.

“Because you’re not entirely sure you trust him with that information,” Poe filled in bitterly.

Leia rubbed her fingers into her temple. “He’s my son. He’s made bad choices, awful choices in the past, but he’s the one that willingly came back to me. He wanted to make it work. How could I do anything but give him a chance?  Imagine yourself in my shoes. When Meghan ran away, you forgave her, helped her, you  _ understood.  _ Is it so difficult to believe that I’d offer the same to my son?”

Poe tapped his fingers on the table, a steady little rhythm that Finn knew meant he was thinking. Finn ran a hand over Poe’s knee, under the table, then looked back at Leia. “I think that we have to figure it out somehow, because it certainly can’t be us or Ben.” Poe made a small noise, and Finn turned to his husband. “It  _ can’t,  _ Poe.  We can’t just cut the kids off from Leia. And we can’t insist that Leia stop seeing her son.” He huffed out a breath. “So we have to work it out.” He was silent for a moment. “But I don’t know if I can face him,” he admitted, hating himself for having to admit it. He looked down, ashamed at himself.

He felt Poe lean over, tip his chin up. “Baby, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” Poe brushed a kiss along his jawline, and Finn closed his eyes.

Leia reached out across the table, offering her hand to Finn. He hesitated, but accepted it. “I know this is difficult. I just want to make it work in whatever way possible. I missed him so much.” Leia’s voice cracked on her last word, and tears threatened to spill out of her eyes. Anne put a hand on her shoulder.

Poe watched her, seeming a little less hostile now. “I’ll meet with him. I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try.”

It made Finn feel even more ashamed, because Poe had a longer history of hurt from Ben, but he was willing to put that aside because Finn couldn’t bring himself to. “I’ll do it too. I think maybe I can do it if you’re there, Poe.” He’d force himself to do it, because he’d hate himself otherwise. Hate himself for not being able to strong enough.

\--------------------------------

Finn felt like he was going to throw up, even excused himself to go to the bathroom. They’d agreed to meet at Cassie’s tiny house, just he and Poe, Cassie and Ben. Ben hadn’t even shown up yet and Finn was running away. He took a shaky breath and splashed some cold water on his face, then walked to Cassie’s tiny kitchen and got himself a glass of water. He heard footsteps behind him and turned, expecting Poe, but it was Cassie, a concerned look on her face.

She looked pointedly at the small tremble in Finn’s hand. “You don’t have to do this, Finn.”

Finn willed his hand to stop shaking. “Yes I do. Five years ago I wasn’t afraid of him. Why should I be now?”

“You have a lot more to protect, now.” She leaned against the kitchen counter. “I want you to know that I consider you a friend, especially after all you and Poe have done for me, to help me get this place up and running, the legal questions you’ve answered and bringing the kids to help and seriously, Finn, I’m so sorry that I started this.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I’m not sure if anyone else could see how sad Leia was, how broken Ben was, and how satisfied they were by being back together. But I’m sorry I’ve made you feel unsafe.”

Finn was about to reply when a short knock sounded on the front door, and both he and Cassie turned. She smiled up at him. “Shall we?”

In the living room, Finn immediately joined Poe, who clasped his hand tightly, an inquiring look in his eyes. “Yeah, I’m okay,” Finn whispered, as Cassie opened the door to Ben. Their contrast in height was so ridiculous that Finn almost laughed, but the urge to throw up had returned, drowning out the mirth. Poe squeezed his hand.

They sat, awkwardly. There was hardly any other way the interaction could be, in Finn’s mind. Finn forced himself to look up at Ben, but couldn’t quite bring himself to look at his face, found himself staring at the distance just over his shoulder.

Ben cleared his throat, knees pointed out and and up because of the small armchair he occupied. “Thank you for doing this. You mean a lot to my mom, both of you, she really loves you. She’s been worrying about it. About what you guys would think.”

The words took Finn by surprise. When Ben had pushed him before, it was because Finn had implied that Leia loved Poe like a son.

“We don’t want our kids to lose their Nanalay,” Poe replied.

“I don’t want that either,” Ben replied quietly, so fundamentally different than the arrogant man Finn remembered. “They’re amazing. Amelia and Caleb, they’re adorable and so obviously love their dads.”

Poe glanced at Finn with a smile on his face. Compliments to their children, even considering who they came from, would always make him happy. “We lucked out.” He brought Finn’s hand up for a kiss, then glanced back at Ben to see his reaction. Finn knew he was expecting to see disgust. Instead, they caught Ben glancing over at Cassie with a sort of longing.  _ Interesting. _

Ben turned his gaze back to Finn and Poe. “I’m really happy for you guys, and I know that’s not really worth a damn at this point. I know I don’t deserve forgiveness for what I’ve done. I just-” He sighed. “I just want to spend time with my mom before, heaven forbid, she’s left us. She’s 70 now.”

Poe sat up a little straighter. “Is she sick?  Did she tell you something?”

“No, but-”

Poe relaxed again. “She’s got a lot of years left. Nothing in this world is taking out the General before she wants to go.”

Ben snorted. “You always were an optimist.”

“Had to do something about you being such a negative Nancy.”

“I kept you grounded. If you had had your way, we both would have been arrested for joyriding in Old Mac’s pickup when we were 11.”

Poe actually laughed at the memory. “Oh, that would have been amazing.”

It relaxed Finn, to see them this way, to see in their interactions the boys they had been before Snoke had ruined it. Cassie was grinning, too.

Ben sobered, eyes on Finn. Finn found he could meet them, now. “I’m sorry for pushing you, for causing your injury. I’m sorry for not accepting what you and Poe had. I’m sorry I couldn’t see God’s love for what it was, shining out in the two of you. And now, you’re spreading that love, touching others’ lives, bringing children into it, children who needed people exactly like you. It makes me sick to think about how I thought that was so wrong.” Ben looked down, ran his hands through his hair.

It was the perfect thing to say, really, Finn thought. He felt himself softening toward Ben the same way he’d softened toward his father in the end. At least Ben hadn’t waited for a death-bed realization. But, he had a job to do. “Our daughter Meghan is transgender. She’s had enough abuse to last her a lifetime, and I know she’s not done facing it, given the current political situation. I’ll have your promise to treat her like a human being deserving of respect, or nothing you say will make a damn bit of difference to me.”

Ben looked surprised at Finn’s stern words. “I, uh, I’ve never met anyone who…” he trailed off.

“She’s not a circus freak. Either give me reassurance as her father that you’ll never cause a problem in her safest space, or we won’t make this work.” Finn’s heartbeat was racing, and Poe squeezed his hand in support, nodded at Ben to show their united front. Cassie looked at Ben anxiously.

“I wasn’t going to imply she’s a freak. I just… I want to be accepting but I might say something stupid. Because I don’t know what to say. But I’m done with making people feel unsafe. I’m ashamed that that’s my legacy.”

Finn relaxed slightly.  This was an attitude they’d met before, with some of the farm hands, or teachers at Meghan’s school. People being used to the gender binary and gender norms saying something unintentionally offensive. “We can educate you. We  _ will  _ educate you.”

They were all silent for a moment. Finally, Cassie piped up, ever the mediator. “So, you guys think you can try to make this work?”

Finn looked Ben in the eyes. “For Leia.”

“For Leia,” Poe and Ben murmured, as if in benediction.

\-------------------------------

It was dark when Poe slipped out of the house on the excuse that he’d forgotten to finish something on the farm. Finn had just waved him off, continuing to update paperwork for the firm. It wasn’t a lie, anyway: he had business to finish over at the main house, for sure.

At the front door, he hesitated, then knocked, when he normally would have just opened the door and called out. He saw Leia’s figure come toward the glass in the entryway. When she opened the door, she looked cautious, then surprised to see Poe. “Uh,” Leia stammered. “Come in?”

Poe shook his head. “This won’t take long. I’m sure you know by now that Finn gave your son an ultimatum today.”

Leia nodded, eyes apprehensive. “Yes, Ben told me. I fully under-”

“I’ve got one for you as well.” He paused, trying to calm his anger and say the correct words.

Leia walked out, closing the door behind her, and sat on the edge of one of the adirondack chairs on the porch that she and Anne liked to use in the summer. “Go ahead, just please don’t tell me the ultimatum is that you’re going to force me to choose between you and Ben, between my two sons.”

Poe knew Leia thought of her as a son, but hearing her say it aloud… No, he had to continue. “No more surprises, especially for Finn’s sake. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen. I never wanted it to happen this way.” Leia sounded miserable.

Poe paced the porch. “Well, now it has happened that way, and whatever the intention was, this is the reality we have to deal with. Finn wants us to believe that seeing Ben didn’t shock the hell out of him, but I know you could see it in his eyes too. So you’ll warn me, or Finn, when Ben is expected on the property - and that extends to the brewery property as well. You won’t expose our children to Ben without us being there.” Poe stopped in front of Leia once more. “And you won’t try to force things along. If I’m truly meant to forgive Ben for how he treated me as a teenager and how he treated Finn, then let it happen organically. Do you agree?”

She leaned over, and put her head in her hands, and she looked so old and tired in that moment that Poe felt a pang by his heart. After a moment, she looked up at Poe, eyes determined. “Okay.”

Poe placed his hands on the porch railing, looking out over the fields. “I’m going to need a while to forgive you. I’m going to need to talk to my therapist about this. I’m… I’m probably going to run things through Snap for a bit.” Poe felt vulnerable now, stating his needs so clearly. It was easier to lay things out when he was doing it for family, or for Finn. This still felt unnatural.

When he found the courage to look back at Leia, she was looking at him with love tinged with sadness. “Okay,” she repeated.


	46. Sunshine Songs - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sypderqueen sent this to my tumblr inbox: Okay, so something my brain generated: Amelia, 7 y.o. about, discovering the song Walking On Sunshine. WHY my brain generated this mental picture, I dunno, but it's ADORABLE and I had to share.
> 
> And it wouldn't leave my head. :)

Permanence was a concept Caleb was having an especially hard time understanding. Not that the three year old would have been able to understand that that’s what he was having a hard time understanding. This house was the most permanent place he’d known so far in his very short life, but he didn’t really understand what that meant, or why. Why it was different than before. Why his mama was gone. These were the things he didn’t even really know he was thinking, didn’t really even know he was worried about.He was getting sort of anxious, not that he’d know to call it that, about how long he’d been here. It seemed wrong, somewhere deep inside him, in his bones, that he’d been at the farm for so long.

Finn and Poe were downstairs working on dinner. Meghan was in her room. And Amelia- he didn’t know where Amelia was, exactly, though he could hear her singing. The bathroom?

_I’m walking on sunshine, woooooo-ooooo,_ Amelia’s voice was belting out.

Caleb, who’d drawn his knees up to his chest and laid his head on them, tired of how hard his brain seemed to be working and not sure why it was working so hard, managed a small smile. He liked the sunshine song.

He liked Amelia.

If he left, Amelia probably wouldn’t be there. She hadn’t been there before. She might not be there tomorrow. That made Caleb very, very sad. He liked Amelia a lot.

The singing was growing closer, and louder, and Caleb turned his head to see Amelia dance into the room, belting at the top of her lungs, hair wrapped up in a towel on the top of her head, already snug in her pajamas.

She paused when she saw him, sitting on the floor of their bedroom, tucked up against the bed like he was trying to disappear. Carefully, she sat by him, patting one of his knees. “Y’okay, buddy?”

Buddy. Poe called him that, too. Caleb shrugged. “Tired,” he excused.

Amelia nodded sagely, although the only time Caleb ever saw Amelia tired was when she’d finally run out of steam right before bed, or sometimes when she got sick and had to take her medicine or eat a snack.

She sat there silently, watching him, letting him decide if he wanted to say anything else.

“Like your song,” he murmured.

Her face broke into a sunbeam, and something inside Caleb warmed. “My sunshine song? Well, it’s not my only sunshine song, but Daddy-Poe taught me this one and the other one and I really love both of them.”

“Other song?”

Amelia scooted a little closer to Caleb and starting running her fingers through his hair and folding pieces neatly into braids. When she did that, Finn always shook his head and laughed. Caleb liked the feel of her hands in his hair, though. Reminded him of his mama.

“One time, when I was _really_ little, like, your size, I fell in the yard and hurt my knee. There was blood everywhere.” Amelia stuck out her leg to show Caleb where the wound had been. Caleb nodded. He’d done that before, too. “And Daddy-Poe scooped me up in his arms, you know.”

Caleb nodded again. Being scooped up in either Poe or Finn’s arms was one of his favorite places, at the moment.

“And he cleaned me up, but I was still crying, ‘cause I was a little baby. And so he took me to the couch and he sung me the sunshine song. And he said his mama sang it to him when he hurt bad, and then _Daddy-Finn_ told me that _Daddy-Poe_ sang it to _him_ when _he_ got hurt. You wanna hear it?”

Caleb thought about nodding, then shrugged. “I’m not hurt.”

Amelia made a little sound in her throat like she didn’t care about the details. “Won’t tell if you don’t.”

It made him smile, just a little. “Okay.”

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray.” Amelia’s arms slipped around him, pulling him into a hug, and Caleb let his eyes close. “You never know, dear, how much I luh-uhve you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.” She kept humming it, rocking Caleb until he was humming along with her.

When they’d circled around for their last time, Amelia squeezed him tight.

“Amelia, if I hafta go, will you come with me?”

She turned him in her arms to look at his face, her expression alarmed, then settling into something else. “Yes,” she said simply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be clear, the ending is not meant to be like Caleb and Amelia are running away together. Just that, if Caleb has to go away, he wants to make sure Amelia will come with him. Luckily, Caleb doesn't have to go away ever again. <3
> 
> Also I am so here for Amelia and Caleb's ride-or-die relationship.


	47. In the Closet - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meghan is babysitting Amelia and Caleb, and things get emotionally heavy.
> 
> Written for day 4 of the February Ficlet Challenge 2018: Prompt: Hiding in a closet

Meghan hummed along to the song stuck in her head. If she put on music, she could maybe get the damn earworm out, but as she was babysitting Caleb and Amelia, she didn’t want to miss a cry for help or a bump or anything. They were playing in their room, and she wanted to give the two of them space, but she also was slightly paranoid about something going wrong, even though the dads were an easy phone call away, and Snap and Elisa even closer.

She finished her homework and opened her sketchbook, still humming. She’d have to ask for another one for Christmas, maybe. This one was almost full. And she was getting a little better at believing that she deserved … anything.

Buli curled around her feet, and she reached down to stroke over her back, grinning at the little “mrow?” she got in return. The cat jumped up onto her work, ‘helping’, and Meghan laughed outright, burying her face in Buli’s fur.

“Caleb? Caleb?!”

Panic shot into Meghan’s heart at Amelia’s frantic voice. “Amelia? What’s wrong?” she called as she raced out into the hallway.

Amelia came to tug on her dress urgently, fat tears already gleaming in her eyes. “Caleb and I went to play hide and seek and now I can’t find him and he’s not answering and I don’t know where he went and what if someone came and took him away?”

“No one’s coming to take him away,” Meghan reassured, even as she started to turn and search the house. “Caleb?! Caleb?! You’re not in trouble, buddy, but we just want to know where you’re hiding so good.”

Amelia’s hand was firmly lodged in hers as they walked room to room, calling out and inspecting. When they reached Finn’s office, the door was closed, like always, but Meghan pushed it open and looked immediately under the desk, calling for Caleb. That’s when she heard the sad snuffling coming from the closet. “Caleb?” she asked gently, and the sobbing got louder. “Ames, will you go grab your stuffed Buli for me?”

Meghan got down on her knees and cracked open the closet. They all had small walk-ins, even the office, because Finn and Poe thought it might one day be converted into a bedroom. Sure enough, Caleb’s tiny body was tucked up in the corner of the closet, his face buried in his knees. “Oh, honey,” Meghan murmured. “Are you hurt?”

His curls bobbed as he shook his head.

“Okay, that’s good.”

The sound of rushing feet heralded Amelia with the stuffy and, bless her, a blanket. It was like Amelia was being raised in a household that had dealt with trauma before. “Come on in, Ames.” Meghan posted up beside Caleb, and Amelia tucked into her side, and she threw the blanket over their laps. “Here you go, Cay-Cay,” Amelia whispered, handing him the stuffy.

Caleb immediately took it and buried his face in it.

“Do you want us to shut the door?” Meghan asked softly.

Another head shake.

“Did you get scared of the dark?”

“No,” Caleb mumbled.

Meghan began to rub over his back, which made him sob harder.

“Am I gointa hafta leave?”

Before Meghan could object, Amelia tugged on her arm, and repeated Caleb’s question, her eyes quivering again.

“No one is going to make Caleb leave, guys. What - who- why do you think that?”

“I f’rgot the rule.” Caleb sounded miserable.

“What rule?”

“The daddies say we’re not s’posed to come in here,” Amelia sniffled.

Meghan brushed a kiss over Amelia’s hair, then pulled Caleb up into her lap and under the blanket. He kept his stranglehold on the Buli stuffy. “Sure, you're not supposed to come in here, but our dads aren’t going to send you away as a punishment, I promise.”

She continued to stroke over his back, her chin resting in his curls, as Amelia squeezed his knee. “Amelia, you’ve been around the longest, have you ever broken a rule?”

Amelia’s face flamed.

“Uh huh, I thought so. And she’s still here, right Caleb?” Caleb’s tears were drying up as he burrowed himself into her neck. “Can I tell you a story?” He nodded.

Meghan counted a breath in and out, and took Amelia’s hand. “When I first got here, I thought that our dads were … were treating me too nicely. I didn’t think I deserved it. I thought- I thought that I needed to be punished, because Big Sam- he warped my brain.” Caleb’s thumb was stuck thoroughly in his mouth, but he squeezed her with his other arm. She knew he didn’t really understand, but it was okay to say out loud now, or neutral, at least. “Your mama loved you lots, but you’ve had some other experiences that have twisted your brain a little, and that’s okay, CayCay. Just know that no matter what you do to Finn and Poe, no matter how hard you break the rules, they’re never going to send you away. They’re never going to love you any less.” She wiped at her own streaming eyes, and glanced down at Amelia. “Isn’t that right, Ames?”

“Yeah,” Amelia whispered, her voice scratchy with emotion.

Meghan held Caleb close, rubbing over his back and breathing with him, with Amelia, as they all came down from the emotional jag.

After ten minutes or so, Meghan kissed Caleb’s forehead, then Amelia’s. “You know, I bet you guys are hungry, too. This stuff is always worse when you’re hungry. Shall we go get a snack?” She set Caleb up on his feet, and he wrapped the blanket around himself, but handed the stuffy back to Amelia and held her hand. Meghan crawled back out of the closet, and closed the door.

“This family doesn’t really hide in the closet anyway,” she added with a sly twist of lips.


	48. Across, Beyond, Through - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meghan's journey with HRT, and her last two years of high school. This fic spans a long period of time (26 months) because I wanted to talk about Meghan's transition all at once.

**March, 1 month before:**

Meghan tapped her fingers on her chair’s armrest, sighing. “It’s just so annoying. I like them, they’re good friends, but sometimes those little things they say that they think are compliments make me feel like shit.” Ruby didn’t mind when she swore. Her therapist’s office was a safe place. “‘Oh Meghan, you’re such a better girl than me!’” Meghan said in a sing-song voice. “‘I’m _hopeless_ with makeup, teach me!’ ‘You're always so put together, I never bother with that!’”

Ruby smiled a little at Meghan’s impersonation. “And why does that type of comment bother you?”

Meghan had known the question was coming, that’s what Ruby got paid to do, after all. She could vent all she wanted, but she had to expect to answer some questions after. “Because I have to try _so hard_ to be a girl, to make other people think I’m a girl, and Janine just gets to sit there and wear sweats and no makeup and her hair in a messy bun and everyone in society still thinks _she’s_ a girl, and she can use the girl’s bathroom no problem. And then she turns around and says that to me and I just want to scream.”

“I understand your frustration with that. Cis-gendered people often don’t understand the lengths trans people go through to be recognized on the outside what they feel on the inside.”

“Well, duh.” Meghan blushed. “Sorry, Ruby. It’s just-”

Ruby’s smile was bigger this time. “It’s true, sometimes my job is stating the obvious. Do you think they mean it maliciously?”

Meghan thought for a moment. “No,” she finally allowed. “I just think they don’t know what it feels like, and that’s really frustrating sometimes.” Meghan’s fingers stopped, smoothing over the armrest instead. “When Janine says stuff like that, it makes me feel less like a real girl. And more like a boy who goes home at night and does speech exercises to make his voice sound higher. It snaps me back, reminds me that I'm just masquerading. And,” Meghan let out a huff of frustration, “and damn it, I envy her, because she can get away with it and I can’t, and sometimes it’s so tiring to keep it all up. Sometimes I wish that normal me could pass as the gender I want people to see without having to go through the whole process.”

Ruby nodded, writing down everything as always. She consulted some notes on a previous page. “Your 16th birthday is coming up soon. Are you and your fathers still planning to see a doctor about hormone replacement therapy?”

“We have an appointment with the endocrinologist already.” Meghan’s palms were suddenly sweaty, and she wiped them on her skirt, which had Ruby arching her eyebrow.

“How do you feel about that?”

“Nervous,” Meghan admitted. “Excited. Part of me wonders if it will make the dysphoria go away.”

“It will certainly change your life, Meghan, but you need to remember that it’s not a magic cure-all pill. However, you’ve come such a long way since I first started working with you, I would wholeheartedly vouch for your mental health in regards to HRT.”

Meghan blushed, pleased, flicking her eyes downward. “That means a lot, Ruby. Thank you.”

“You should be proud of what you’ve done to get to this point, Meghan. I’m certainly proud of you.” Ruby glanced at her notes again. “How are you feeling about your decision to freeze some of your sperm for future use?  When we talked a few months ago, you were adamantly against it, but then you changed your mind. Are you still planning on banking before you begin HRT?”

She _had_ waffled on it, had had long conversations with her dads, Leia and Anne, Jess and Rey, basically anyone she could think of, on the subject. On the one hand, after her experience with Big Sam, she wasn’t sure she wanted to pass her genes on. And she obviously had only good things to say about adoption. But what if she did want it someday? Would it be something she’d forever regret not having access to?

“I, um, already made some donations. Just in case I want to use a surrogate someday.” Anticipating Ruby’s question, Meghan continued, “I don’t know if I’ll ever use it, but I feel safer, calmer, knowing the option is there.”

Ruby glanced over at the wall clock. “We have a few minutes left. How are things going at home? Have you found any of your feelings from last year’s birthday resurfacing?”

Meghan smiled a little. “I feel like things are pretty stable there,” she said, launching into a story about an afternoon with Finn and Caleb.

\---------------------------------------

**April, Month 0:**

Meghan squirmed on the patient table while she and her fathers waited for the endocrinologist to return. At least the doctor’s assistant had let her put her clothes back on. Her dads were casually holding hands, and Finn was checking his email on his phone. Poe looked up at the sound of the paper crinkling underneath Meghan. He smiled at her in reassurance. “It’s going to be okay, Megs. It’s not like those health warnings were a surprise to us. We’ve all done our homework.”

Meghan nodded. “Yeah, it’s just scarier to hear the doctor say it, I guess.” She began to kick her bare feet against the table.

Poe reached out to still the foot closest to him. “I feel like I know the answer, but I just want to check. You’re sure this is what you want, right sweetie? We can keep going with the pubertal blockers instead, give you more time to make a decision.”  As Poe said this, Finn put his phone down, and they both looked at her with such patience and love that it made her heart hurt a little. They would truly accept whatever she wanted to do, and they’d move mountains - mostly financial - to help her do it.

She took a deep, steadying breath. “Yeah. I’m sure. I’m ready to start looking more like I feel. And if I start now, a lot of the major changes will be done by the time I'm going off to college. I feel like putting those two things on top of each other might be a bad choice.”

Finn smiled at her. “That's very logical of you. I'm going to be sad when we lose your brilliant mind to puberty.” Meghan just rolled her eyes.

When they left the office thirty minutes later, they had a prescription for anti-androgen and estrogen pills in hand and an appointment set up for blood work to monitor her testosterone levels. Meghan was able to hold in her tears until they had left through the front doors, but then she had to stop and lean against the side of the building to let them out. Finn asked, and upon her nod, gathered her into his chest. “Shhhh, honey, talk it out,” he murmured as he rubbed her back.

“I’m just so happy,” she admitted, laughing and hiccuping a little.

“Happier than when you got your driver’s license?” Poe asked with a smile.

She laughed again, tears slowing, and pulled out of Finn’s arms. “Unbelievably, yes.”

“Well then,” Finn said as they started toward the car, “How about we surprise everyone with some ice cream for dessert tonight?”

“Oh God, Caleb and Amelia are going to love that,” Meghan replied sarcastically.

Finn opened the door for her, and she climbed into the back seat. “I’m willing to deal with some adorable kids on a sugar high if it means we get to celebrate Day 1,” he said resolutely.

Later that night, after Finn and Poe had finally been able to convince Caleb and Amelia to fall asleep, Meghan took herself off to the bathroom. She stripped off her makeup, then took a shower, though she normally waited until morning. She wanted a totally clean slate. In her room, she picked up the vintage Polaroid that Anne had found for her in a junk shop. She snapped a selfie, and opened her journal while she waited for it to develop.

_I read that some of the changes happen so gradually, you don’t even notice. And I’ve seen some amazing transition before/after photos on Reddit. So here’s to Day 1._

On the bottom of the selfie, she wrote the date and “Day 1” in black sharpie, then paperclipped the photo into her journal.  

\-------------------------------------

**May, month 1:**

The first thing she noticed was Tomás. Or rather, she noticed her lack of noticing Tomás. She'd had a crush on the guy since entering freshman year, after all. He was tall and skinny, taller than she was and she felt that was an important thing to look for, Finn and Poe's nonexistent height difference be damned. He had long wavy brown hair, which was normally hidden partially under a beanie, and Meghan’s fingers itched to sweep the beanie off and run her fingers through his locks. He still had a small accent that was irresistible. He was part of the LGBTQA+ club, identified as pan, and he was also an art student. Meghan both loved him and figured he was completely unattainable except in her dreams… And she's stopped minding her wet dreams so much when Tomás became a regular figure in them.

Except now she looked at him, or any other attractive guy for that matter, and could recognize their attractiveness theoretically but felt nothing in her own body. She even pulled out her guilty pleasure, her stash of Chris Evans photos saved to her phone, but unexpectedly Captain America gave her nothing.

She hunted through Reddit posts and blogs and read enough to find her answer: loss of libido was a common, perhaps temporary side effect of HRT. She frowned a little at Chris Evans’ perfect body before closing the folder.

\-----------------------------------------

**June, month 2:**

She was trying to see a difference between the Day 1 photo and the Month 2 photo, she really was. She just couldn’t see it. Depressed, she pulled on yoga pants and didn’t bother with makeup or anything else, because she could do that at the farm and feel safe, and grabbed her sketchbook to sit at the bench by the memorial trees. They’d added a small apple tree for Caleb’s mother this year.  She liked the way the branches intermingled among the older trees now, just a bit, and began sketching.

“Meghan, hi.” Meghan turned at the sound of Leia’s voice, and smiled as the older woman approached.

“Heya, Leia,” Meghan answered, and was pleased when Leia smiled at her stupid little joke. She’d said it once, _once,_ in front of Amelia and Caleb, and now it was their favorite thing to chant when they saw her, even though they still called her Nanalay. Meghan patted the bench beside her.

Leia hesitated, then must have decided she could take the time. “I was just coming to talk to your fathers, though I suppose I should probably just text one of them.”

“They’re both inside.” Meghan knew that there was an ongoing tension between Poe and Finn and Leia, had guessed that it had something to do with Leia’s son, whom her dads tried to limit their exposure to. Leia looked tired, and Meghan did something she did without really thinking about it anymore - initiate contact. She placed her hand on Leia’s shoulder. “I miss farm family dinners,” she sighed.

Leia’s smile was sad. “Me too, sweetie. But it’s a complicated situation right now. Your fathers had every right to stop coming.” She exhaled heavily, then looked down at Meghan’s sketches. “Well that’s lovely, my girl.”

“Thank you, it's just some sketches,” she replied as she turned her eyes down.

“I was never very good, but Han had a knack for it. Especially drawing out plans for the farm.”

“It’s something I can control, you know? Drawing. I have enough skill now to draw what I see, so it’s relaxing to practice. Especially when I can’t control anything else,” she mumbled.

“Is this about your fathers and me?” Leia looked concerned now.

Meghan shook her head. “I’m just being impatient. It’s two months today.”

Leia’s face cleared. “Aha.” Leia arched a brow and peered at Meghan’s face, causing Meghan to blush a little. “I can see it, a little, in your face. It looks softer somehow. Just a little. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen you in awhile.” Leia patted her knee briefly. “Have patience, sweetheart. Your Nan and I looked up some of those pictures you talked about on the internet. People have made incredible changes, but it takes time.”

Meghan let out a sigh and smiled a little. “Yeah, you’re right.” She nodded consent when Leia pulled her into a hug, which was broken up by the sound of footsteps.

“Hi, Leia,” Finn’s greeting was polite, but not warm, and Meghan winced internally a bit. She wished she knew what was going on between them.

Leia stood, and she and Finn walked back into the house, leaving Meghan to sketch in peace, her brow furrowed.

\---------------------------------------

**July, month 3:**

“How are you doing, Squirt?” Meghan asked as she poked her head in Amelia and Caleb’s room. When she saw tear tracks, she quickly stepped inside and over to the bed. “Hey, are you in pain? It's okay if you are, you just need to tell us.”

Amelia shook her head and looked down at the brace on her leg. The doctor wanted to see her again in a few days when the swelling went down to cast it.  “I just feel so stupid. And I think Daddy is still mad at me."

Though Meghan could guess who she meant, she clarified, “Finn?” Amelia nodded. It was true that Finn had not handled The Incident last night well, but she was surprised Amelia had picked up on it, because Meghan thought he'd mostly reined in his feelings by the time they'd been able to see Amelia again.

“He was just scared, Ames. Sometimes when Daddy is scared he doesn't react in the nicest way. He's not mad. Although I'm sure he and Daddy would really appreciate it if you didn't do that again.” Amelia looked miserable, but nodded. “Do you want to talk to them about it? Tell them you’re sorry about breaking the rules?  I could go get them for you, or help you down there.”

Amelia smoothed her blanket. “Could you get them?” she asked vulnerably.

Downstairs, she found Caleb quietly and happily playing with some trucks and stuffed toys in the living room, and turned toward the sound of voices in the kitchen. She realized her dads had someone on speakerphone, and paused before entering.

“She’s fine, just a simple tibia fracture, she’ll be out of the cast before the end of summer. The doctor didn’t think it would affect her growth much hopefully, although that’s something we’ll have to watch for,” Finn was saying, and it almost sounded like he was reassuring himself. “Listen-”

The voice on the phone cut Finn off, and Meghan recognized it as the deep baritone of Leia’s son, Ben. “Finn, Poe, I’m sorry about breaking the rules. I hope you won’t-”

This time Poe interrupted Ben with a short humorless laugh. ”No, Ben, rescuing one of our children definitely doesn’t violate the rules.” There was a moment of silence. “We’re grateful you were there.”

“I didn’t rescue her. I just saw her fall.” Meghan hadn’t had a lot of interaction with Ben, and she wondered if he always sounded this unsure of himself.

“Which means, instead of lying there in pain until someone else discovered her or figuring out how to walk on a broken tibia, you found her right away, stabilized her, called us. How else would you define rescue? Ben, I-” Meghan heard Finn take a deep breath in and out. “Thank you.”

The silence on the other line probably meant that Ben wasn’t sure how to respond. Poe continued anyway. “Hey, um, you should drop by in a few days. I’m sure Amelia would love to see a new face by then, and I bet she’d want you to sign her cast.”

Ben expelled a breath. “Um, are you sure? Finn?”

“Yeah,” Finn replied, his voice betraying a hint of tension. “Text us and we’ll set it up.”

“God, okay,” Ben said, sounding shaky even over the phone. “I’ll talk to you guys later, I guess.”

Both Poe and Finn made their goodbyes as Meghan breezed into the kitchen.

“Good morning, guys,” she said as if she hadn’t just heard their entire conversation.

“Hi, honey, headed out for a run?” Finn smiled at her, then turned and continued to put dishes away while Poe worked the coffee maker.

“Yeah, but first, can we talk?” It almost made her laugh to have both of her dads turn directly to her, concern on their faces. “Amelia would like to talk to you guys. She’s feeling really awful about what happened. And,” Meghan looked directly at Finn, “She thinks you’re mad at her.” Finn’s eyes widened and guilt flashed over his face. Meghan placed a hand on his arm and brushed a kiss across his cheek, pleased that since going off of the pubertal blockers, she’d hit a growth spurt, and she could do so without having to stand on her tip toes. “You know how sensitive she is. I’ll watch Caleb for a bit.”

She turned to head to the living room, but Poe stopped her with his voice. “You’ve got such a grace about you, sweetie, that has nothing to do with what you look like. I’m so glad you’re part of this family.” Finn nodded his agreement.

She blushed all the way through to her ears.

\-----------------------------------------

**October, Month 6:**

Meghan frowned at the mirror hanging on her closet door. She was going through an awkward stage, and it was driving her crazy. While her silhouette actually included a little bit of hips, now, she’d had to give up padding her bra for a bit because apparently growing actual breast tissue hurt. Her doctor had been pleased with her measurements, though. But the whole thing made her feel… less, somehow, and she was having to fight that. She wrote it down in her journal, knowing she'd have to bring it up in therapy.

\---------------------------------------

**March, Month 11:**

“Hey, birthday girl, feliz cumpleaños.” Tomás’s voice was like a purr, and Meghan involuntarily shivered.

“Thanks, Tomás,” she replied, happy the black light atmosphere of cosmic bowling hid her blush from the rest of the school friends that had gathered for her birthday.

“Did you save me a spot on your team?” Tomás moved in close to her to grab a fry, and Meghan realized with a rush that her libido was back, but it didn't feel exactly the same as before. It was gentler, but it was there. Tomás felt...exciting again. She found herself happy she's taken extra care with her outfit for the party.

“Of course, but I hope you're okay with losing. I've only bowled once before and I suck.”

He grinned at her, winking. “How about I get a strike, just for the birthday girl?”

She -honest to God, she'd think later- actually giggled at this line. “I'd like to see that happen.”

A few minutes later, she watched him take his turn, and damn if his butt didn't look amazing when he threw his ball. Meghan sighed.

Janine poked her in the side and grinned knowingly at her. “Go get it, girl.”

Meghan bit her lip. “What should I do?” She whispered.

“Play a little while, then find an excuse to pull him away from the rest of us. I'll wingwoman for you. Maybe pretend you forgot something in your car and ask him to walk you out, you know, for safety. Then…” Janine wiggled her eyebrows at Meghan.

 _Then. Right. I'm seventeen years old, I can figure this out. Nevermind that I’ve never “then’d” with anyone. Deep breath, Meghan._ She wished she could call Aunt Rey. Or Mary. This seemed like a terrible plan.

They continued to bowl, and devour their weight in soda and fried foods, until eventually Janine got Meghan's attention.  “Hey, uh, Meghan, do you know where I left my purse? Is it in your car?”

 _Right. Play along._ “Oh yeah, um, I don't think I saw you bring it in.” God, it sounded so fake to her, but at Janine’s nudge, she turned to Tomás and asked, “Hey, would you mind walking me out? This place can be kind of creepy after dark.”

He smiled. “Of course.” He stood and held out his hand to help her.

She hesitated, then took it, and he led her toward the door. Meghan flicked a short look back to Janine, who gave her a thumbs up.

She swallowed, but decided to talk first. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah, I mean, beats staying at home. And I’m glad you invited me.” He squeezed her hand and Meghan willed hers not to sweat too badly.

Before they hit the doors to the outside, though, Meghan pulled him into a dark corner. “Listen, Janine didn’t really leave anything in my car, she just wanted to get us alone together.” She’d been looking at the awful bright orange and purple carpet on the bowling alley floor, but at the last part she chanced a glance up at him.

He was smiling. “I could kind of tell,” he admitted.

Meghan’s mouth twisted into a grin too. “Do you mind?”

He leaned a little closer, pressing her into the wall, and she felt the urge to move away from him, to not be cornered by him, twist in her gut. She fought it. She fought hard. She was just used to being babied ( _protected,_ her mind tried to chime in) by her family. She'd be going off to college next year. She _needed_ to get over this- this inability to be physical. She refocused on what Tomás was saying. “Not at all. You’re cute, and funny.”

_Tomás Flores thinks I’m cute. Tomás Flores thinks I’m funny. OhGodohGodohGodoh-_

Tomás was sliding a hand behind her head, sifting his fingers through the waves of her hair. She kept fighting her flight instincts, because she truly did want this, and she didn't want to send him the wrong message. He leaned in, and then his lips were on hers and it was… it was… not what Meghan had been expecting from the stuff she read online. Pleasant. Nice. Enjoyable enough. _Maybe that’s the meds,_ Meghan thought.

When they broke apart, Tomás leaned back and smiled again. “That was nice.”

Meghan could only nod. She picked up Tomás’s hands. “Nice enough to keep doing?” Meghan felt herself blush. “I mean, on a regular basis. I mean, away from here. Like, after a date.”

“Are you asking me out?”

 _Ah, jeez, that’s probably not something real girls are supposed to do._ “Uh, yeah, I think that’s what I just did.”

“What are you doing next weekend?”

\--------------------------------------

**April, Month 12:**

“Lady, you look _amazing._ Spin around,” Mary commanded, twirling a finger, and Meghan laughed, complying. “Absolutely gorgeous.”

“It’s weird to have hips, real hips,” Meghan admitted. “I had to learn to walk and run in a totally different way. And I'm wearing an actual cup size. I mean, it's barely an A, and I’m hoping I’ll grow a little more up top, but still!”

“I meant your face, chica.  You look happy.” Mary held out an arm, then nestled Meghan’s arm in hers as they walked into the mall.

Meghan took a deep breath. “Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I, um, I have a boyfriend.”

Mary stopped her, causing a group of stroller-pushing moms behind them to mutter in their direction. “Meghan. Smith. Dameron. You have been holding out on me!”

Meghan could only imagine what unflattering shade of red she was right now. “It’s, uh, fairly new, really. Only a few weeks.”

Mary put a hand to her heart. “Girl, stop. We must get froyo before you tell me _everything.”_ Laughing, she pulled Meghan along again.

In the frozen yogurt shop, when they were well situated with their frozen dairy and sugar, Mary pointed her spoon across the table at Meghan. “Spill.”

Meghan began sculpting her frozen yogurt with Oreo crumbles. “Well, his name is Tomás.”

“Latino boy, eh?”

“Yeah, he moved here from Puerto Rico in 6th grade.”

Mary nodded. “Hot.” Then, she held her spoon up again. “But, and I speak from experience, sometimes the Latino men, they can be annoyingly old fashioned.”

“Don’t tell me Edgar-”

“Oh, no,” Mary laughed. “Not Edgar.  He may be a mama’s boy, but he’s progressive. I’ve trained him well.”

“That doesn’t sound very _progressive_ of you, Mary,” Meghan teased. “Besides, what about Poe? Or Rigo? Or the whole soccer team?”

“Alright, alright, I yield. Maybe it's different now.” Meghan gave her a pointed look and Mary held up her spoon in defense. “Okay, I'm sorry I stereotyped anyone.” Mary raised her eyebrows as if to say ‘good enough?’ and Meghan nodded. “So, Tomás…”

“So, Tomás…” Meghan sighed. “He’s gorgeous. Not clingy at all. Sometimes I worry maybe I’m being too clingy.”

Mary’s brow furrowed. “Has he said that to you?”

“Oh no, I’m just paranoid. You know it’s my first real relationship.”

“Hmmm. So, Tomás. I know you can’t go home and surprise your pops with a “Hey, guys, I’m pregnant!” announcement, but still, “Hey, guys, I’ve got an STD!” is even less likely to get smiles from them. Are you being careful?”

Meghan’s eyes widened. “What? No, we haven’t… we aren’t. Oh God.” She felt her cheeks burning.

“Have Finn and Poe had the sex talk with you?” Mary narrowed her eyes at Meghan.

Too mortified to speak, Meghan just shook her head. At Mary’s scoff, she added, “Well, the same one I got at school. Use condoms, regular testing, communication is important, etc., etc. It was all very non-specific.”

“Jeez, I know it’s squicky cause they’re your dads but you’d think they’d release you into the world with a little more knowledge. Okay, well obviously I can’t help out too much with the actual details of it, despite being very well read on the subject.”

“No, Mary-”

“But there’s a really great YouTube channel that does these videos-”

“Mary!” Meghan stopped her by making a grab for her spoon. “ I didn’t come to ask you the particulars. I just… I just wanted to tell someone that wasn’t at school.” She handed Mary her spoon back.

“Wait, chica, Finn and Poe don’t know?” Meghan shook her head. “Is there a _reason_ you haven’t told them? A reason you need to hide Tomás from them?”

She shrugged. She hadn’t even told her therapist at their last visit. This thing with Tomás, it seemed too new, and fragile. “What if they, I don’t know, like in the movies, what if they scare him away?”

Mary just shot her a look. “I’ve been with Edgar since I was 20, but before that, I had, we’ll say, some experiences. And I learned from those experiences, and from Edgar, that if it’s someone you don’t want to introduce to the people who mean the most to you, you probably don’t want them to become one of the people who means the most to you.”

Meghan stabbed into her yogurt sculpture and took a bite, thinking. “That makes sense.”

“Do you want me to help, be there when you tell them?”

“No. No,” Meghan repeated, more resolutely. “You’re right. I’m seventeen, I can be mature about this.”

Mary gave her a pitying look, and Meghan stuck her tongue out. “Real mature, chica, real mature.”

Meghan waited a beat, eating more yogurt in the meantime. “Wait, so what was that YouTube channel?”

“Okay girl, this woman totally has your back. Sexplanations. I’ll text it to you.”

\--------------------------------

**May, Month 13:**

She’d waited as long as she could, until Tomás had asked her to Junior/Senior prom, and she was going to have to tell her dads. So, she waited for Amelia and Caleb to be put to bed one night, and asked them if they could talk. They did the nervous, glance-at-each-other, “what do you know about this” eye communication they always did when she asked them to talk.

She pulled out her phone and opened up a picture. It was a selfie of she and Tomás, very innocent, just cheeks resting near each other and smiling. She handed the phone over to Finn, who almost dropped it, then showed it to Poe. “That’s Tomás. He just asked me to prom, and… and he’s been my boyfriend for about a month.” Both sets of eyes snapped up at her, and both sets of eyebrows furrowed. She braced herself.

“I think I remember him from the winter play, was he in that?” Poe asked, voice neutral.

Meghan registered surprise. “Oh, yeah, um, he was. We weren’t a thing then, though.”

Poe nodded.  Then, Finn: “And he’s how old?” Finn’s voice was light enough, it could have flown away.

“He turns 18 in July. He’s a junior, like me.”

“I’m glad you get to go to prom, honey. Jenny Price and I had an awesome time,” Poe said, voice fond with memory.

 _“Jenny?”_ Finn asked, arching a brow at Poe while Meghan smirked.

“Small town, babe. Wasn’t out, headed to the military of course, couldn’t be out. And Jenny was a good friend, a lovely beard, and just as interested in girls as I was in boys. It was a mutually beneficial thing. Symbiotic.”

“Wait, is this the Jenny Carpenter that comments sometimes on your Facebook?  This all makes so much more sense now!” Finn said excitedly, pulling out his phone, probably, Meghan mused, to add this “Jenny” on Facebook himself.

“Uh, so, I’m going to go take a shower,” Meghan said, standing up to escape.

“Sounds good. Yeah, that’s her,” Poe said over Finn’s shoulder. Meghan walked away, but Poe stopped her before she started up the stairs. “Oh, honey, we’re going to have to invite him over for a family dinner, of course.”

“Oh yes, sometime before prom, Meghan,” Finn said distractedly.

Meghan gulped, then nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

\-------

The dinner hadn’t been a total disaster. And after dinner, her dads had let her take Tomás to her room for a little bit, though Finn had whispered that she had to leave the door open and that he was going to be down the hall getting Caleb ready for bed. But at least he had whispered it just to her.

It felt weird to have Tomás in her space. Not like an invasion, but still like too big of a breach of privacy, somehow. She tried to get over the feeling. Lately it felt like Tomás was pulling away, and no wonder, if she was so closed off herself…

“These are great, Meghan,” Tomás murmured, looking at some of the sketches she’d posted to her idea wall.

“Oh, yeah, just starting to think about the senior art show. Have you done anything yet?”

He shook his head. “I work better under pressure.”  He was looking now at the line of thirteen Polaroids that showed her transition progress. “Why do you keep these?”

Meghan walked over herself, peered at her Day 1. Already she looked so different, even without makeup, and it was sort of flooring. She shrugged. “To remind me of my journey, I guess,” she answered.

“Wouldn’t you want to forget when you looked like...that?” There was just the faintest hint of something that Meghan couldn’t really identify in Tomás’s voice. “Although I guess that’s why they have those before/after photos on infomercials for diet products on TV, right?”

“Uh. Well, I mean, I’m not ashamed of what I looked like before. I’m not a different person, not on the inside.” Meghan felt uncomfortable, and she took her phone out to check the time. _Good,_ she thought. _Tomás has to go soon._ She immediately felt guilty for thinking it, but still, she said, “Time’s almost up. Goodnight kiss?” He leaned over obediently, and there was the kiss she was used to, the Nice Enough one. He was getting better about not crowding her space, too, but she really didn’t want to share her reasons for why she needed it.

She walked him downstairs and saw him out. Before she headed back up to her room, Poe pulled her aside to tell her that he seemed like a nice boy. Nice enough.

\----------------------------------------------------------

**June, Month 14:**

Meghan couldn’t remember being happier or prouder to be a part of the Smith-Dameron family than right then. They were at the Portland Pride parade; the LGBTQA+ club at Meghan’s school had applied for a spot and put together a float, and Poe and Finn had agreed to chaperone. Tomás, Meghan, and a couple other students had taken over the design, and to see it out and driving, and everyone waving at them so happily, it made Meghan’s heart want to leap out of her chest. And? It was miraculously not raining. It may always rain on the Rose Festival Parade, but Pride got a clear sky.

She was wearing a maxi dress with the transgendered colors striping down it, and holding hands with Tomas as they walked along the side of the float, mostly to make sure their decorations didn’t fall off. Poe was driving the float, Finn was pulling Caleb along in a red wagon, and Amelia was on top of the float, throwing out candy and grinning like a madchild.

“This is awesome!” Meghan yelled at Tomás over the sound of the music. “I can’t believe I’ve never done this!”

Tomás grinned, and pulled her into a quick kiss which had the crowd cheering. Meghan was blushing, breathing quickened slightly in panic, but Tomás just started throwing kisses to the crowd.

Later, at the festival, Tomás spirited Meghan away from her family for a little alone time that was mostly finding semi-private areas to share some more of those Nice Enough kisses. They never really made Meghan feel like doing anything else, and she was really starting to think that her sex drive was just dead. She wanted to feel something with Tomás, she’d even been able to get off to Chris Evans the other day, but for her boyfriend... nothing.

When they came up for air, Tomás bought them a funnel cake to share, and they managed to find a place in the shade to sit and do some people watching. Meghan mostly liked to watch Tomás people watch, and when he wrinkled his nose, she looked up, trying to find the cause of his disgust. “What’s wrong?”

Tomás kind of subtly tipped his head at a person that was wearing a “she/her” preferred pronouns shirt, but was pretty obviously pre-transition. “She’s not making much effort. Not like you do.”

Meghan turned to him, eyebrow raised. “Excuse me?”

“I just mean, if she wants to be called she, maybe she should look more like a she.”

It took a lot of effort for Meghan to keep her jaw from dropping down. “Do you know how much it costs to transition? Do you know how much the drugs cost?  I only got them because my adopted grandfather just happened to be rich!”

“Whoa, Meghan, calm down. I’m just saying, even before your HRT, you put a lot of effort into looking like a girl. I mean, you look a lot better now, but-”

“I don’t think I want you to finish that sentence, Tomás.”

“Are you angry?”

Meghan stared at him, unable to comprehend how he didn’t get that what he was saying was bone-deep, utterly offensive to her. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”

Tomás looked relieved. “Okay.”

Meghan turned back out to the crowd, unable to stomach looking at her boyfriend at the moment.

\-----------------------------------------

**July, Month 15:**

“Well, it’s a beautiful campus, that’s for sure,” Poe said.

“The facilities are _amazing,_ Dad. You don’t even know.” Meghan could feel the excitement crawling under her skin. Oregon College of Arts and Crafts was the _perfect_ campus.

Finn laughed a little breathlessly. “Well, we’ve got a couple of other places to check out today, right?” He glanced again at the small pamphlet their tour guide had given them a little worriedly. Meghan bit her lip, knowing the private college cost a lot. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to Western?”

Western was literally across the river from Independence, across the river from the farm. And they weren’t known for their visual arts program. “Dad,” was all she said.

Finn smiled a bit. “Okay, okay.  Well, what’s next?”

“Portland State.”

Later, over dinner, they discussed the merits of each college, and Meghan kept bring OCAC back up, gushing. While Caleb, only four, couldn’t follow the conversation, Amelia listened with high interest and an increasingly distressed face. “So, college means you’re going away?” she asked, her voice on the edge of tears.

Meghan immediately leaned over on the dining bench to draw Amelia into a side hug. “Squirt, I'm not going away forever. You’ll still see me on my breaks and holidays and probably some weekends when I miss you guys too much.”

Meghan could tell her words didn’t really reassure Amelia, and was proved correct when Amelia pulled away and mumbled, “I need to take a walk.”

Meghan glanced at Finn and Poe, distressed, so before Amelia left the room, Poe asked, “Would you like Meghan to come with you?”

Amelia paused at the doorway. She nodded.

They’d had a summer rain earlier that day, and in some places, the grass was still wet, making Meghan’s sandals slippery. Amelia led her silently on the path to the farm, past the small cottage they’d built for Poe’s veteran farmhand program, and then they were walking through the fields, and Meghan was thinking Amelia must be really upset to have to walk this far. _How can I repair this?_

As they walked along a row of cherry tomato vines, Amelia finally opened up. “You’re definitely going to come back?”

“Oh, Amelia, always. I will always, always come back to you.”

“No one’s gone away in a long time,” Amelia said. “I used to worry about it a lot, but now I don’t, because no one went away. Everyone stayed here.” She sounded a little accusatory.

Meghan was at a loss. But, she figured, she could still try. “When kids grow up, they leave their houses. It’s part of what makes them not kids anymore.”

“I don’t ever want to leave the farm. Or my daddies. Or Caleb, or Threepio, or-”

Meghan paused Amelia by putting a hand on her shoulder. “I understand, squirt. I don’t _want_ to leave you. I just want to see what’s out there in that big world.”

Amelia looked up at her, eyes huge in her face. “That big world is _scary,_ though.”

Meghan brushed a hand over Amelia’s hair, ruffling it a bit, and Amelia wrinkled her nose, but smiled. “It’s like… it’s like an adventure I get to go on. And I've still got an entire year before that happens anyway. I’m not going to be out of your life forever, Amelia, I promise. Who else would braid your hair, or make sure no scary monsters come to get you and Molly when you’re sleeping in the tent outside?”

“Caleb just isn’t big enough yet,” Amelia said practically, and Meghan laughed.

“Shall we head home?”

“Yeah.” Amelia grabbed her hand, and they set off.

\--------------------------------------------------------

**August, Month 16**

“Meghan, are you okay?” Poe’s concern was obvious, which made sense to Meghan, since she was currently sitting on the memorial bench, crying. He sat down, put an arm around the back of the bench, then pulled her into a hug when she consented. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I b-broke up with T-Tomás,” she stuttered out.

Poe’s arms tensed around her. “Did he- he didn’t do anything to hurt you, did he?”

She shook her head, trying to reassure him quickly. “Not like you mean. He was kind of transphobic though, but that just pissed me off.”

“I thought he knew you’re trans.” Poe sounded confused.

“But he liked the idea that I’m a girl, that I make myself pretty like girls are supposed to be.”

“Mmmm,” Poe murmured, beginning to rub her arm again. “So what was the deal breaker, if that wasn’t it?”

“I want to be someone’s primary person.” Meghan shifted away, calmer now, and Poe dropped his arms. “Your Finn’s primary person. As much as you two love us, the first person he thinks about when he’s faced with something is you. “How will this affect Poe?” is a thought that I’m sure runs through his head more than he even realizes.”

Poe looked thoughtful. “You’re not wrong. I certainly think the same about him.”

“I want to be that, to somebody. And I want to feel that about somebody.  And I didn’t feel that about Tomás any more than he felt it about me.”

“Meghan, you’re 17. You can’t really expect to find your ‘primary person’ in high school, can you? I mean, I know some people do. But I was 32 before I found Finn.”

Meghan wiped a last tear out of her eye. “I guess I just don’t see the point of waiting around when I knew that it wasn’t it for me.”

Poe looked into the distance thoughtfully, then turned back to her with a smile. “Well, let’s not forget the transphobic part, or at least the old-fashioned adherence to gender norms.” Poe sighed. “There’s still a lot of that, even within the gay community. It’s not the type of thing you need in your life.”

Meghan laughed a little. “Yeah, that’s true. That’s kind of when I started looking for reasons to break up with him.”

Poe smiled, then set a hand lightly on her knee. “I think, or I hope, you’ll find your ‘primary person’ as you call it. But consider this, too: isn’t it everyone’s prerogative to be their own primary person? To make sure they’re thinking “how is this going to affect me?” when they’re confronted with something?”

“That sounds like something Ruby would say.”

“Hmm.  Probably Dr. Charles, too. Or he might say that, if someone didn't think that, they'd be at risk for codependency."

Meghan laughed, but sobered. “Wait, he doesn’t think you’re codependent, does he?”

“No, but he wants me to take care of myself as much as Finn does.”

Meghan reached out to pat her dad’s arm. “Me too.”

He smiled affectionately at her. “Well the same goes for you, kiddo. You’ve come such a long way since we picked you up in that Burger King. You amaze me every day.”

The tears came back, and she threw her arms around her father.

\----------------------------------------

**September, Month 17:**

**Meghan:** I know there are some great art schools in Seattle. But Portland seems like the right amount of distance away.

 **Jess:** Well, let me know if you want to come tour anything, our guest room is always available.

 **Meghan:** I’m leaning toward OCAC pretty heavily.

 **Meghan:** It’s so weird to be thinking about this.

 **Jess:** Life moves fast.

 **Meghan:** No kidding.

 **Jess:** Hey, wait, shouldn’t I be telling you to get to bed?

 **Meghan:** No, cuz you’re the cool aunt, remember?

 **Jess:** Go to bed, kid.

 **Jess:** (I’m still the cool one.)

 **Meghan:** :P gnight

Meghan closed her sketchbook and contemplated her idea wall. She had a start on her senior exhibit, but it was really just sketches and proposals, nothing solid yet. She still had a ton of time, though.

\---------------------------------

**November, Month 19:**

Meghan replied, “Come in,” at the soft knock on her door. She looked up from her desk to see Finn and Poe enter.

They sat on her bed, a unit like always. “Hey, honey,” Finn murmured, seeming to want to wait to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about, and instead focusing on her senior project idea board. “How’s the exhibit coming?”

Meghan groaned internally. So she was having a bit of a roadblock. Why did everyone - well, okay, just her teacher and Finn - have to hound her about it? “Fine, getting stuff done,” she replied. “What did you need?”

“It’s about money, and I don’t want you to think this is anything about reciprocity or… Your father and I have been crunching some numbers. When my dad died, the trusts we set up for college funds… well, they assumed the child would be a lot younger, so the money would have a chance to grow.”

Meghan was feeling a little sick to her stomach. “Yeah?”

Poe sighed, pulling the OCAC brochure from his pocket. “So, I know your heart is set on OCAC, but I’m not sure if we can afford a private school. Or at least, maybe not a full four years. What about transferring from a community college? Or going to a state school for a bit? You have the GPA to qualify for the two free years through Oregon Promise.”

Meghan tried not to let her disappointment show on her face. “What if… what if I get scholarships?  That’s what the OCAC lady said, that kids who can’t afford it get scholarships.”

Finn pointed to her senior exhibit board. “It looks like you’re busy enough without adding scholarship applications to the mix, but honestly, it’s a good idea.”

Meghan pulled over her tablet and immediately began to research. “I can do this, you guys.”

\-----------------------------------

**April, Month 24:**

She knew the shocked looks on her fathers’ faces could be a reaction to several things: first, Meghan’s senior art exhibit seemed to have exploded all over the living room; second, there were art supplies everywhere. But, it was probably the fact that Meghan was having a complete and utter breakdown in the midst of all the chaos. Poe and Finn asked Amelia and Caleb to play upstairs, and stepped gingerly through the minefield of art pieces, then crouched beside Meghan.

“I can’t do this! Everything is … everything sucks!” Meghan burst out into another sob.

“Oh, honey.” The compassion in Finn’s voice made Meghan cry harder.

“Megs, you are completely capable of doing this,” Poe reassured her.

She shook her head. “I’ve ruined it all. It’s too hokey. No one will understand it. And I got rejected for the Ferguson-Henley scholarship.” More tears.

“Sweetie, you’re exhausted. Why don’t you leave all of this stuff here. Poe and I will make sure no one disturbs it. I bet you haven’t even had a chance to celebrate yet.”

Meghan sniffled, thinking that taking a break sounded like a good idea, when she did a mental double take. ‘Wait, celebrate?”

Poe smiled at her, showing her a countdown on his phone. “Two years, Meghan. 24 months today.”

Meghan was blank for another few seconds before she finally got it. “Oh, wow,” she said, still subdued by the breakdown. The idea that Poe had been keeping track on his phone touched her, though.

“Yeah, wow. Come on, let’s get off the floor.” Finn smiled, standing, and held out a hand. Meghan allowed herself to be pulled up and taken to the front porch. The fresh air did feel extremely nice. Meghan took several deep, calming breaths as she looked out over the fields.

“I thought I’d feel more different,” Meghan admitted. “That once I was finished with the major changes of the HRT, I’d be a different person. A Meghan who felt more real.  I kind of feel the same.”

“You definitely don’t look the same,” Poe pointed out.

“Yeah, that’s true. The thing is, I’m happy I’m still Meghan.”

Finn smiled. “I am, too.”

 _Still Meghan. Not broken. Changed._ "I think I know what I need to do with my project."

\--------------------------------------

**May, Month 25:**

Meghan stood nervously on the edge of the gallery, at the end of her line of work that comprised her senior project, “Kintsugi.” The first people to walk to her section of the gallery when the doors opened came as no surprise: Poe and Finn were already stopping at her first piece, Finn turning slightly to smile at her and raise a small hand in greeting. She blew out a breath and relaxed a little, even though she’d soon be facing her senior advisor, whom she would have to walk through her show, explaining her intent. He would decide if her intent matched what she presented, and grade her for graduation. It was only a little bit entirely nerve wracking.

She knew exactly what her fathers would be seeing as they walked through her exhibit; had obsessed for months now over the layout of her show. First, they would take in the Polaroid pictures she had so faithfully taken of herself over the last 24 months, hung neatly in rows chronologically. She liked what it showed, because she’d taken each picture without makeup, sometimes unshaven, it showed her true self, for better or worse, her true face.

Then, they’d move on to the pieces that took those Polaroids and manipulated them by scanning or drawing. In one, she’d drawn half of her Day 1 face and half of her Month 24 face, joined together in the middle by a crooked line of gold paint. Each piece played with the idea of her transition and the idea of kintsugi - repairing the broken to make it beautiful again, and with the idea that pre-transition and post-transition Meghan were the same Meghan.

Her part of the show ended with her favorite piece, titled simply “Family.” The inspiration had been a photograph of her family, the one they’d taken in front of the memorial trees last year, but she’d drawn each person with watercolor pencils on their own separate piece of heavy paper, then punched small holes around the edges, and stitched them together with different colored thread. She felt like her family was the ultimate piece of kintsugi, and she hoped people understood.

When Finn and Poe reached the final piece, Finn touched his throat and leaned his head onto Poe’s shoulder, overwhelmed. They turned to her, and Meghan could see unshed tears in Poe’s eyes. He blew out a breath and smiled at her. “I know I saw it all in pieces before, but all together, it’s beautiful, Meghan.” He and Finn both held out an arm, and she practically fell into their hug, although they were careful not to miss with her artfully arranged updo.

They pulled apart, but Finn’s hand was still on Meghan’s shoulder. “I’m so proud of you, honey. Well done.”

Meghan leaned over to brush a kiss on his cheek, then repeated the motion for Poe. “Thank you.”

“We’ll get out of your hair and let you act like a professional, Megs. Is there any food at this shindig?” Poe smiled, taking Finn’s hand.

She pointed them in the right direction, then waited for people to talk to her. Her senior project advisor came; he nodded thoughtfully throughout, but was a frustratingly hard person to read.

By the end of the evening, though, she was feeling exhilarated by the reactions others had given her. Though there were still a few people milling about the gallery, her advisor had given the students the all-clear to leave. Meghan began to head to the doors with her dads, when a woman's voice stopped her.

“Meghan Smith-Dameron?” Meghan turned and waited for a lovely middle aged woman to approach her. She recognized her, remembered talking to her earlier about the inspiration for her show. The woman held out a hand. “Lovely show, very well done for someone your age.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Meghan shook the offered hand, and the woman moved on to Poe and Finn.

“Ximena Cobian, it's a pleasure to meet you all in person. I presume you're her parents?”

Meghan raised her eyebrows in surprise. No one ever just guessed that a black man and a Latino man were her parents. How did this... Ms. Cobian know her? Finn and Poe were nodding and introducing themselves.

“I'm on the scholarship committee at OCAC. Your teacher Mrs. Green is a dear friend of mine, and invited me this evening. She said you were interested in my college but the price tag was holding you back.”

“Um, well…”

“We have the portfolio you submitted for your application, but do you have photos of these pieces? I'd love to be able to show them to the committee.”

Meghan nodded. “Yes, I took pictures when I hung them. I'd love to share them.”

Ms. Cobian slipped her a card. “Send them to my email, and I'll make sure they get to the right place. I don't think I'll have a problem convincing the committee to slide some incentive your way for signing with us.” She smiled brightly and gave them all a nod before stepping around them to exit the gallery.

The Smith-Damerons were silent for about three seconds after she left, before Meghan was squealing and pulling Finn and Poe into a big hug.

\------------------------------------

**June, Month 26:**

Finn couldn’t settle into his seat, couldn’t contain his excitement. Poe smiled ruefully at him before leaning over to point something out in the book Caleb had brought along. On the other side of Finn, Amelia was swinging her legs to kick her chair. He slung an arm around her chair and leaned over. “It’ll start soon, sweet pea, I swear.  You’re doing a good job.”

She smiled up at him, hair done back by Meghan in French braids. “And then what are we doing, Daddy?”

“We’re going out to dinner with everyone else.” Finn pointed to the stands, where the extended family and spillover crowd was allowed to sit. Everyone was there, from Rey and Jessika to Anne and Leia and the rest of the farm family.

“How come we’re not up there?”

“We get the special seats, so that we can watch Meghan walk across from up close.”

“When do I get to do this, Daddy?”

From his other side, Poe chuckled. “Don’t be so quick to grow up yet, Amelia.”

Amelia frowned. "No, Daddy, I mean, it looks really scary. What if Meghan trips in those big heels she wore? In front of all of these people?"

"I think she'll be just fine, nugget," Poe answered. Finn laughed a little and then leaned into Poe, laying his head on his husband's shoulder, and Poe brushed a quick kiss over Finn’s hair. “I’d ask if you’re hanging in there, but I think we’re at about the same mental spot, babe.”

From the moment the graduation march began to play and everyone stood to welcome the graduating class, both Finn and Poe were hopeless messes. But when Finn saw Meghan walk under the arbor of flowers, her head held high, her gait so light and airy, he was able to pull himself together. She had come in towards the end, thanks to Finn’s S name, and when she briefly turned around to find them, Amelia almost fell out of her seat waving.

Nothing, not even the rather long-winded commencement speaker, could stop the flow of tears on Poe’s face, though, and by the end of the ceremony, it was Poe who was leaning into Finn.

Before they began to call names, the class president announced, “The senior class would like to show its appreciation for the family members that supported them on this journey. Seniors, please distribute your flowers.” At once, the students all took flowers from the big bouquets at the front, and moved through the audience. As Meghan walked toward them with four big sunflowers, Amelia ran to meet her.

“Is one of those for me?” she asked eagerly.

“Of course,” Meghan replied, handing one to her with great ceremony, then leaning down to kiss her on the cheek. She did the same with Caleb, who immediately wanted to use it as a sword before Poe stopped him with a smile. She gave the flowers to Finn and Poe at the same time, murmuring, “Thank you for taking a chance on a small mouthy teen named Sam.”

And then she was hurrying back before they could respond, and the names were being called, and Finn took Amelia up with him to get Meghan’s photo as she received her diploma. Once Principal Johnson released them from their lines, Meghan was absolutely mobbed by her family, everyone who’d been there for her every step of the way.


	49. Forgiveness, can you imagine? - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn wants Poe and Leia to repair their relationship. He also is trying to stay out of the middle of it. Only one of these wants can win out.  
> This fic picks up two months after “Fallout.” For context from the last fic, this is the first summer of Meghan’s HRT.

Finn knew the quiet moment wasn’t going to last. Having three kids had cut down exponentially on his quiet moments. But just now, he could sit on the porch swing and enjoy watching the mist whirl in the sun on this quiet June morning. He could relax into the smell of fresh cut grass, and pollen, that mix of the crispness of spring and the syrupy sweet of summer. He could sit with his hands wrapped around his mug of coffee and pretend that the morning was warm enough to warrant bare feet and no jacket, even though he would have immediately bundled any one of his children up if he’d caught them like this. 

And with that thought, his mind left the June morning and settled once again on his family. There were toys in the front yard that he needed to get Caleb to pick up; they’d celebrated Caleb’s third birthday the weekend before, and already some of the new toys had been cast aside to get caught in a June rain. He needed to make arrangements for the summer day camp Amelia wanted to do with Molly after school ended. He’d been pleased to find that Molly’s mother, Jamie, was easy to get along with. The day camp was near Jamie’s work, and she’d happily agreed to pick Amelia up every day for it. Finn made a mental note to subtly find out her favorite wine and slip her a bottle or two as a thank you. And Meghan seemed to be settling into puberty via her hormone treatments with the normal fanfare. So, if he was considering only his family, then things were going okay.

It worried him that there seemed to be no end in sight to the detente between Leia and Poe. Leia had crossed a line with Poe, and now Finn wasn’t sure how to repair it, wasn’t even sure if it was his place to get involved. He knew it centered around him, knew that Poe was the most upset at how Finn had been jolted by Ben’s sudden reappearance. It had been a line in the sand for Poe, and it had actually surprised Finn, even after six years together, that Poe had chosen Finn and his children over Leia. He hadn’t really taken the time to analyze why this surprised him, it just had.

“Papi?” Finn turned to see Caleb standing on the other side of the screen door. Finn smiled. Another mystery to him: why Caleb had chosen him to be ‘papi’ and Poe to be ‘dada’ after learning some Spanish at daycare. Finn had even tried to get Caleb to call Poe "Papi" but the boy was stubborn. Finn set his mug down on the porch railing and opened the screen door, letting Caleb out. He bent to pick the boy up, cradling him on his hip.

“And who let you loose to run around?” Finn leaned in to rub his nose against Caleb’s, making the boy smile.

As if in answer, he heard Meghan yell from inside. “Caleb? Where’d you go? You’re supposed to be eating breakfast!” The teen’s voice was spiked with annoyance.

“Uh oh!” Caleb said, smiling wider, with mischievous eyes.

Finn tried hard not to laugh, knowing it would send the wrong message, but failed. He recovered, trying to put on a stern voice. “‘Uh oh’ is right, mister. Did you run away from your sister?” He began to walk inside, calling out to Meghan, “I’ve got him.”

Caleb had the wherewithal to look contrite. “Just to find you, Papi. I was thinking, could I have a cookie for breakfast?”

Finn smoothed Caleb’s wavy afro back, wondering absently if they should shave his head for the summer so Caleb would be more comfortable, but he loved the hair so much, he was loathe to part with it. “Sorry, kiddo. Cookie  _ with  _ lunch, sure. Cookie for breakfast, no go.”

Caleb’s lower lip pouted out. “But it’s my birthday!”

Finn set Caleb down at the dining table. “It  _ was  _ your birthday.  Last week. Now, you have to wait again. It’ll be Dada’s birthday next month, and he’s going to be  _ so old.”  _ The comment worked as a distraction, and Caleb’s eyes widened.

“Older than …you?”

“Way older,” Finn said as he poured out some cereal.

“Older than the trees?”

Finn laughed. “Older than the  _ rocks,”  _ he replied, and laughed again at Caleb’s wide eyes.

Poe poked his head in from the kitchen. “Hey, I heard that.” Finn stuck his tongue out at him, and Poe narrowed his eyes, striding toward his husband, circling his arms around his middle, and squeezing tight. “What Papi didn’t tell you is that if I’m older than the rocks,  _ he’s  _ going to be older than the trees this September. Welcome to your thirties, babe.” He placed a kiss with just a little teeth under Finn’s ear, before sweeping out of arm’s reach again.

Amelia came roaring into the room, hyped up for her last week of first grade. "Daddy! I did my insulin and blood test all by myself!" Amelia had been going through an independent streak lately, and after several weeks of watching her do the whole procedure herself, Finn and Poe had started letting her do it without their supervision. The first couple of days had been nerve wracking for Finn and Poe, but their little girl was doing a good job.

"Nice, work, sweet pea," Finn said, leaning over to press a kiss on the top of her head.

She started chatting non-stop about summer camp to Caleb, who kept asking questions, which Amelia would answer with the exact same information so they just kept kind of going in a loop of cute that threatened to kill everyone within hearing distance. Meghan glided in, texting all the way, ignoring the chaos, and Finn smiled, thinking of his probably-cold-now coffee mug, and his long-gone peaceful time on the porch. Things might not be resolved between Poe and Leia, but life for the Smith-Damerons was still pretty great.

\--------------------------------

“Thanks for coming to see me,” Leia said, handing Finn a glass of unsweetened iced tea. “Does Poe know you came?”

Finn nodded. “I don’t keep things from Poe, Leia. Not at this point in our relationship.” His voice came out cooler than he meant it, and he realized he was more on edge than he thought he’d be.  _ He  _ wasn’t the one that was mad at Leia.

“Right, of course,” Leia replied, eyes cast down to her own glass. Finn realized she had probably taken his comment as a judgement on her own actions, and winced internally. When she looked back up again, though, her face was resolute. “I didn’t ask you here to try and convince Poe of anything. I just want you to know that right off the bat.”

Finn nodded. “I appreciate not being put in the middle of it, even if I already am.”

“I appreciated your invitation to Caleb’s birthday party last week.”

Finn brushed that off. “We couldn’t have a birthday party without Nanalay. How upsetting would that have been to the kids?”

Leia gave him a little smile. “I… Thank you anyway.”

“Listen, Leia, for what it’s worth, I get both sides of this, I really do. If one of my kids genuinely asked for my forgiveness on something, I’d be hard-pressed not to give it to them right away. They’re my babies, even Meghan. But it's more complicated for Poe. It’s not just the issue with putting our kids in possible danger-” Finn held up a hand when Leia opened her mouth. “Yes, I know, you would have never let them be in the same room if you thought Ben hadn’t fundamentally changed. But Poe didn’t know that, and you didn’t ask, you just made the decision for him, and damn it, I said I wasn’t going to get in the middle.” 

Finn crossed his arms, frustrated with himself. He took a deep breath, blew it out. “I’m a forgiver. It’s what I do. I’m not saying I’m going to hold hands with Ben and run through a field of flowers with him, and buy him something on “Best Friends Forever” Day. But I think you’re right, I think he’s changed. My father changed. Poe never saw that. He just saw my dad after the change. I have seen transformation happen with my own eyes. And as much as Poe likes to center on me, Ben hurt him a lot deeper when he stopped being his friend.”

Leia reached across the table, laying a hand on Finn’s. “I miss him, Finn. I miss you.  I miss Meghan. I know I get to see Amelia and Caleb because Anne looks after them, but I miss you guys. And yet-”

“And yet, if it meant giving up Ben, you’re not sure you would make a different choice.”

“Does it make me selfish to want both?”

“Selfish - no. Unrealistic right now? Probably. Meghan misses you, too.” Leia nodded, and Finn realized that Meghan must have had a similar conversation with her. “Okay, like I said, I’m not going to try and change Poe’s mind. But I can offer opportunities for him to do so himself. I’ll bring the kids to the Market Day potluck this week. I can’t promise Poe will stay.”

Leia nodded, but looked hesitant. “Ben will probably be there. He came to help last week.”

“I remember.”

\---------------------------------

Finn eyed Ben and Cassie, their heads together at the end of one of the picnic tables, while at the same time doing his fatherly duty of splitting his attention three ways to keep an eye on all of his kids. It was basically automatic now; besides, Amelia and Caleb were playing with Luis under the gaze of Elisa and Snap, so it wasn’t too hard to divide his attention.

Poe sat beside him, slipping an arm around his waist and following his gaze to the lanky man and the woman a good foot shorter than him. “Does it bother you, to have him here?”

Finn turned to face his husband. “For the last time, Poe, no, it doesn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me when Leia told me he’d be here earlier today, either.” He let his exasperation show. At first it had felt nice to know Poe was looking out for him, but it was starting to feel just a bit stifling. “Actually, I was thinking they reminded me of us.”

Poe raised his eyebrows. “Okay, I’ll bite, how?”

“One city type, one country type, one older, one younger, one a force of nature, one timid, sitting at the Market Day potluck, watching the sun fade and the stars come out, close enough that any outsider can see their intentions but they themselves haven’t quite decided to take the plunge yet. Reminds me of something I can’t quite put my finger on.” Finn made an exaggerated show of tapping his chin and pretending to ponder the topic. Then, his face got serious. “But here’s the thing, Poe. I’m not timid anymore. Seeing Ben for the first time since that night was a shock, but it’s not going to break me. He can’t hurt me, and moreover, he’s not going to hurt me. Look at him. Cassie has him wrapped around her little finger, and I don’t even think he realizes it. That’s not the same Ben.”

Poe’s face was stormy, and Finn internally sighed when he realized his husband was going to be stubborn.  _ Stay out of it, Finn,  _ he told himself. “I guess I just can’t see someone making that drastic of a change,” Poe muttered.

“He made a drastic change before, right? When he started going to that church?”  _ Damn it, Finn, shut your mouth.  _ Poe was thinking about what he’d said, but his expression remained stony, and Finn sighed, then smiled, wrapping an arm around Poe’s neck. “Hey, you know, my husband has been neglecting me.”

Poe’s expression cleared, and he arched a brow. “Oh really? Is there a way  _ I  _ can be of service, since your scoundrel of a husband has left you behind?” He leaned in closer to Finn.

Finn cupped Poe’s cheek. “It has been absolutely ages since he asked me to dance.”

“What a travesty,” Poe murmured as he rose, holding out a hand to Finn, who took it and allowed himself to be pulled off of the picnic bench. “Let me rectify that immediately.” He hooked an arm around Finn’s waist, and led him in a slow circle. He leaned in, placing a kiss on Finn’s jawline before whispering, “I know you’re trying to distract me.”

“Oh?” Finn asked, all innocence and sparkling smile. “And?”

Poe smiled back. “And it’s working. I can coexist with him if you can.”

_ But can you forgive Leia?  _ Finn thought, even as he lowered his head to rest on Poe’s shoulder.

\--------------------------------------------

Finn wasn’t pushing. He told himself that a lot. He wasn’t making Poe do anything. He was just putting Poe and Leia in situations together to see if anything changed.  After almost three months of attending no farm family gatherings, Finn brought the Smith-Damerons fully back into the fold on all of the farm activities. At each one, he made an excuse to sit with Leia for awhile, and Poe gradually began to join him, sometimes adding comments, even if the atmosphere was still chilly.

At the Fourth of July barbeque, which would morph into the Fourth of July barn party when it got dark, Finn, Leia and Anne were sitting in lawn chairs, watching Poe, Snap, Elisa, and Amelia, along with a handful of farm hands, play a game of pickup soccer. It was fun to watch the adults try and baby Amelia, then look flabbergasted when she used fancy footwork to steal the ball from them and run toward the goal.

“Papi, papi!” Caleb wailed, and Finn was immediately on high alert, searching for his son. Caleb ran up to him, crying and holding his hand out. He was trying to tell Finn what had happened, but Finn couldn’t understand him. Since Finn couldn’t see any blood anywhere, he gathered Caleb up into his lap and rocked him.

“Shhhh, Cay-Cay. It’s okay. Tell Papi what happened. Did you fall?”

Caleb whimpered and held his hand up in Finn’s face. “A bee bit me, Papi.”

Sure enough, there was a little red welt in the middle of Caleb’s palm. Finn checked his fingers for swelling, but they seemed okay. He could see the stinger in the middle of the welt, clinging.

Poe knelt down beside Finn’s chair. “Everything okay?” He must have been drawn by Caleb’s crying, Finn thought.

“Bee sting. Looks like no allergic reaction, hallelujah. The stinger’s still in, though. I should go get some tweezers.” Finn passed Caleb off to Poe, who wiped away some of the boy’s tears and brushed a kiss across his forehead.

Finn had barely gotten ten feet when he heard Poe say, “Oh, Leia, can you take him? Finn, wait!” Finn dutifully paused as Poe rushed up to him. “You don’t use tweezers on a bee sting. Get some ice.” Poe turned back around, and Finn paused him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Look, Poe.” Leia was rocking Caleb, whose eyes were still leaking a bit, but who had a small, tentative smile on his face. “You trusted Leia with Caleb.”

“Of course I…” Poe frowned.

“Just something to think about, baby. I’ll go get the ice.” Finn jogged to the house.

Within twenty minutes, Caleb was out and playing with Luis again, promising that he wouldn’t try to pick up any more “baby bumblebees” no matter what the song he'd learned at school said.

After the soccer game ended, Amelia tugged on his shirt. “Daddy, can I go ride Threepio?”

“Not today, sweet pea. I bet Daddy would take you out tomorrow though.”

“Why can’t I go by myself?”

“You’re not big enough, yet, Amelia. Why don’t you go grab a snack?”

Amelia frowned, but nodded and walked toward the Market building where the food was laid out.

Poe sat down on the grass in front of Finn and Leia, exhausted from the game. He laid down and groaned. “Getting old sucks. Don’t do it, Finn.”

Leia laughed. “You’re telling me.” Leia looked pleased that Poe was speaking so casually to her.  “Maybe you should tell your boss to give you easier work hours.”

Poe grunted. “I don’t know, I mean, don’t tell anyone I said this, but that Poe Dameron can be a real asshole sometimes.” Poe tilted his head to look at Leia, and Finn realized he was trying to mend things with her. He rolled his eyes internally. Of course Poe wouldn’t come right out and say it. Not to Leia.

Leia was nodding. “I’ve heard that Poe Dameron is only an asshole when someone threatens his family.”

“I’ve heard that Poe Dameron isn’t always right about who’s a threat to his family.”

“I think Poe Dameron shouldn’t question his gut, but in this case-”

“Oh, my God. You two. Just use your fucking words already,” Finn growled out in frustration.

Poe laughed, and sat up. “I trust you, Leia. I needed time, and you gave me time, and that time helped me see I trust you, with my family.”

Leia’s eyes were teary. “I’m so sorry I ever did anything to cause you to doubt that, Poe. I really am.”

"I know," Poe replied quietly.

Her hand was shaking when she reached out to stroke through Poe’s hair. “You may have been an adult when Shara and Kes gave you to me to watch over, but that doesn’t mean I took that job any less seriously.”

Poe stood, holding out hands to haul Leia to her feet, then immediately folding her into a big hug. “Finally,” Finn murmured, smiling.

That evening, as the group congregated in the Market building for dancing and drinking, Finn was laying back in Poe’s arms against the wall, taking a lazy sip from a beer bottle before passing it back to Poe. He snuggled in further, scanning the room. Caleb was dancing on Anne’s feet, but the way he rubbed his eyes, Finn knew he'd be down for the count soon. Meghan and the two friends she'd invited were in a corner, giggling over farm hands in cowboy hats. Luckily the hands seemed to have the sense to ignore the teenagers, meaning their sense of self-preservation when it came to Poe was still intact. And Amelia was… Finn stiffened and sat up. “Poe, do you see Amelia?”

Behind him, he felt Poe go alert, too. “She was just with Snap…”

Finn was scrambling to his feet, a sick feeling of dread in his stomach.  _ Don't be silly,  _ he tried to tell himself. It's not like she could go anywhere. “Go ask Snap, I'll run and check our place.”

Finn slipped outside, then starting jogging the path to their land. Almost immediately, he came across Ben, running from the horse pasture, he face tense. “Oh thank god, Finn, I found you. Amelia fell, she's hurt. She's back there.” Ben grabbed for Finn’s hand pulling him along, but Finn refused to be tugged.

“You need to go get Poe,” he yelled, ripping his hand from Ben’s and breaking into a run, but not before seeing Ben’s eyes widen and a look of nervousness replace the tenseness.

Finn found Amelia crying on the ground between Threepio and the wall. He could almost see what she’d done, trying to use the wall to climb onto Threepio’s bare back. “Sweet Pea, you need to tell me where you’re hurt.”

“My leg, Daddy. I don’t think I can get up.”

Finn looked into her eyes, saw with relief that they were clear, if not filled with tears from the pain. He ran his hands over her arms. “Any pain here? Can you move your other foot?” He heard running footsteps behind him, and then Poe was there, kneeling and helping him check for other injuries.

“Looks like it’s just the leg. Amelia, my girl, I need you to be real brave for Daddy, okay?  I’m going to carry you to the car, and we’re going to go to the emergency room.” Amelia whimpered when Poe gathered her in his arms. 

As they left the pasture, Meghan came running up. “Caleb’s with Anne and Leia. My friends are going home. Can I come?”

“P-p-p-please commme, Meghan,” Amelia cried.

“Of course, honey. Can you go in and grab Amelia’s backup insulin bag?  I left the other one back at the Market building without even thinking of it, damn it,” Finn replied, mentally chiding himself. It wasn’t until later that Finn realized he had no idea where Ben had gone.

\------------------------------------

It was the first time one of Finn’s children had been seriously hurt, under his watch. Before Amelia’s fall, the worst that had happened was when the boy at the group home had broken Meghan’s arm. Amelia's injury shocked his system, and he was having to try hard not to fall into a spiral of self-doubt. As much as Poe reassured him that these kinds of things happened on a farm, Finn couldn’t help but tell himself that if he’d gone with Amelia to the pasture to watch her ride earlier in the day, she wouldn’t have been tempted to go by herself. Independent streak be damned.

They got back from the emergency room at about one in the morning, Amelia fully zonked out on painkillers. Finn briefly wished he had a way to fall asleep so easily, because the image of Amelia lying on the ground, broken, kept popping into his head every time he closed his eyes.

In the morning, he sent out a text, and paced the kitchen, waiting for a response.

“Babe, slow down, you’re going to pace a line in the floor.”

Finn whirled around to see Poe leaning against the counter, arms folded. “Did you check on Amelia? I haven’t checked on her since I went to pick up Caleb from the main house. Is she awake?”

Poe’s eyebrows lifted, and suddenly Finn was being pulled into Poe’s warm arms and Poe was murmuring in his ear. “It’s okay, Finn. She’s okay. She’s not awake. Stop the cycle, baby. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you can’t change it now anyway. Let’s breathe together.” Poe deliberately breathed slowly in and out, and Finn began to match the rise and fall of Poe’s chest, calming. Finn was almost ready to pull out of Poe’s arms when his phone text notification pinged.

**Cassie:** Here’s Ben’s number. Can I drop by later to see the poor munchkin?

Finn looked into Poe’s eyes. “We need to call Ben. I’m going to call Ben.”

Poe nodded. “Okay.”

Finn felt relief that Poe understood, and dialed, putting the call on speaker phone.

“Hello?” Ben’s voice sounded groggy.

“Hey, Ben. It’s Finn, and Poe’s here too.”

“Hi, Ben,” Poe added obligingly.

Ben coughed. “Oh, uh, hi guys. Um, how’s Amelia?”

“She’s fine, just a simple tibia fracture, she’ll be out of the cast before the end of summer. The doctor didn’t think it would affect her growth much hopefully, although that’s something we’ll have to watch for,” Finn said. He took a deep breath in to steady himself, to remind himself that he couldn't change the past. “Listen-”

Ben cut him off. “Finn, Poe, I’m sorry about breaking the rules. I hope you won’t-”

Finn’s eyebrows raised at Poe, and Poe interrupted Ben with a short humorless laugh. ”No, Ben, rescuing one of our children definitely doesn’t violate the rules. We’re grateful you were there.”

“I didn’t rescue her. I just saw her fall.”

Finn couldn’t stand the idea that Ben wasn’t taking credit for what he’d been able to do. “Which means, instead of lying there in pain until someone else discovered her or figuring out how to walk on a broken tibia, you found her right away, stabilized her, came running for us. How else would you define rescue? Ben, I-” When Finn’s voice sped up in his anxiety again, Poe pulled one of Finn’s hands to his own chest, so he could feel Poe breath. It helped him calm, again. “Thank you," he said finally, meaning it to both Ben and Poe.

Poe got a vulnerable look on his face. “Hey, um, you should drop by in a few days. I’m sure Amelia would love to see a new face by then, and I bet she’d want you to sign her cast.”

There was a heavy sigh on the other side of the line. “Um, are you sure? Finn?”

“Yeah,” Finn replied, the last of his anxiety making his voice tense. “Text us and we’ll set it up.”

“God, okay,” Ben said. Finn could hear the gratefulness in his voice. “I’ll talk to you guys later, I guess.”

Finn was still on edge after the call, but when Meghan told him that Amelia thought he was mad at her, he let out a shaky breath and realized that he really needed to put it behind him. He didn’t want Amelia picking up on his anxiety any more than she already had.

Upstairs, Finn sat down on Amelia’s bed, careful not to jostle her leg. “Are you in pain, sweet pea?” Amelia gave a little nod, her eyes teary. Finn turned to Poe, who was leaning against the wall.

“On it,” Poe said.

“Daddy, wait!” Amelia called, and Poe paused. “I need to talk to both of you.” She looked down at her blanket, tracing the lines of the pattern with her finger. She huffed out a breath, and looked up again. “I’m sorry I tried to ride Threepio without anyone else there. I know you both said not to and I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry I made you scared and angry Daddy and I just wish I could take it all back!”

Finn ran a soothing hand along her good leg. “I’m glad you know what you should have done, although I wish you hadn’t had to get hurt to learn that lesson. And I’m sorry I made you think I was mad at you. I love you so much, sweet pea, that when you get hurt, it hurts me too, inside.”

“When Molly fell on the playground and skinned her knee, I cried too,” Amelia admitted in a small voice.

“That’s because no one wants to see the people they love get hurt, nugget,” Poe murmured. “Now, are you still in pain?”

Amelia nodded. Poe turned to get the pills from the bathroom. Amelia looked back up at Finn. “Daddy, do I have to stay in my room?”

“No, in fact, once you get crutches, we might have you stay on the ground floor for a bit. You can sleep in the living room, like when you have a sleepover. What do you think, does that sound fun?”

Amelia nodded, and Finn gathered her in his arms, thinking how much easier it was to do so three years ago.

\--------------------------------------

Finn opened the door for Ben. It struck Finn momentarily as symbolic, that he was the one letting Ben in his sanctuary. He stepped back, allowing the man inside, and Cassie bounced along after him. When Ben shook Poe’s hand and they kept walking, Cassie pulled Finn back and whispered, “I hope you don’t mind me coming along. He was so nervous.”

“Of course not, Cassie. You’re always welcome. And if today goes well, I might consider extending that same invitation to your boyfriend,” Finn teased.

Cassie’s eyes widened and she punched Finn none-too-lightly in the arm. “Be quiet!”

“What, Ben doesn’t know yet?” Cassie glared at him and folded her arms. “Okay, okay, just - don’t let him make you wait too long, Cass. Poe tried to tell me I was too young for him, but I refused to take “I’m too old for you” for an answer.”

“I’ll take it under consideration,” Cassie said dryly.

When they finally reached the living room, Ben was sitting awkwardly on the couch next to Amelia, who was showing off her pretty purple cast, and the drawing in silver sharpie that Meghan had done for her. Ben looked halfway between scared and besotted with the little girl, and Finn could sympathize. Amelia had that effect on people.

Poe was bouncing Caleb on his knee as he grinned at Ben’s stilted interactions with Amelia. Amelia handed Ben the pen, then clapped her hands at Ben’s signature. Ben laughed, smiling down at her, and by Finn’s side, he heard Cassie whisper, “Oh.”

He reached over to give her shoulder a companionable pat. “Don’t worry,” he whispered, leaning down to her ear, “It’ll be okay, trust me.”


	50. Mix it up: Elisa and Cassie - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rated E - there is smut in this chapter. 
> 
> Originally appeared in Mix it up, the second anniversary fic

“Hey, Lis, can you grab the other side of this?”

“Sure thing.”

Cassie grunted as they turned the huge, busted tractor wheel upright so they could roll it toward the dumpster. With a countdown and a heave, they tossed it in. Cassie wiped her brow with her dirty glove, mentally shrugging off her current level of grime. “Thank you for your help, truly. I know things are, um, tense right now.”

Cassie felt responsible for the cold war currently going on at Organa’s. If she hadn’t sought Ben out - if she hadn’t mediated Leia and Ben’s reconnection - well. Things would be different. Now Poe was mad at Leia, even though he and Ben had managed to negotiate a detente, and everything seemed broken, and she couldn’t help thinking it was her fault.

And one of the greater consequences had been that Cassie was kind of on her own, now. Ben wanted space. Leia was hurting, so Cassie felt bad asking… At least she _had been_ alone until Elisa had walked onto her land one day and offered to give Cassie her Fridays for the spring. Normally she had them off, and it made Cassie feel even guiltier, but Elisa had shown up faithfully the last month of Fridays, and Cassie loved working with her.

“Listen, I don’t doubt that Poe and Ben have legitimate bad blood, and hell, I was there the night Ben pushed Finn, but…” Elisa lifted her shirt to wipe her own face off, then started to redo her pony tail to keep her hair out of her face. “But I know you, or I know your type.”

“My type?” Cassie’s eyes widened, and she was unable to keep the offense from her voice.

“You’re a peacemaker.”

“I’m-” She shut her mouth, unsure now if that was offensive or not, considering she’d just been contemplating the same thing.

“Yeah. A fixer. My dad was the same way, drove my mom crazy.” Elisa took a drink of water and winked at Cassie. “I’m more like her. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think peacemakers are probably right. _And,_ more importantly for our present situation, peacemakers tend to get the short end of the stick. Poe’s upset, and Leia’s upset, and Ben’s upset, and meanwhile, Cassie’s out here doing all this stuff by herself. Didn’t seem right. Thought you could use some backup.”

Cassie stayed speechless, but accepted the water bottle with a small thank you when Elisa offered it. She took a sip, and eyed the confident set of Elisa’s shoulders in the sweaty tank top. Felt her cheeks heat from something other than the unexpectedly hot April afternoon. She cleared her throat. “Well, it’s appreciated, Lis, thank you. Think we can get the barn done today?”

“Absolutely. I’m ready to kick its ass.” She slung an arm around Cassie’s waist and started moving them toward the barn. “Hey, what are you doing tonight?”

Cassie shrugged, reaching forward to swing open the barn door and sighing. “Same thing I do every night, Pinkie,” she said with a quirk of her lips.

“Try to take over the world?”

“No, fall face first into my mattress for about five minutes before my alarm goes off again.”

“Snap’s had a roast in the crockpot all day, and I know that sounds incredibly domestic for a single lady like you, but you should come over anyway. Let your hair down for a bit, come play with Luis.”

Cassie smiled and bumped hips with Elisa. “That doesn’t sound terrible,” she teased as she started to pick up more farm equipment and separate the salvageable from the dead losses.

 

A couple of hours later, and the barn was cleared. “Fuck,” Cassie groaned, collapsing onto a crate and wiping her face off. “I am _disgusting,”_ she said with a grin.

Elisa grinned back as she bumped down beside her. “I know, right? Nothing like the feeling of knowing you got shit done today.” She leaned back on her hands and tilted her head up to the sun. “And then washing it all off in the shower and feeling human again.”

Cassie looked at the long column of Elisa’s throat and almost groaned again. There were streaks of dirt over her skin, sure. That didn’t make Cassie want to join Elisa in that shower any less. _Christ._ _Lusting after your married neighbor now, Cassandra? Mom would have a field day with that one._

Elisa stood, stretched, and held out her hands to pull Cassie up. “Come on, girl, go get cleaned up so you can come over and hang out.” With a grin, she pushed her - Cassie let herself be pushed - toward her small cottage.

“See you in a bit,” she called to Elisa’s retreating figure.

 

Cassie wiped her hands on her clean jeans before knocking on the door. She’d felt silly, putting on the pretty blouse, had decided to offset it with some darkwash jeans that made it seem less formal, less like she was dressing up for dinner with her neighbors. Less like maybe she was trying to impress Elisa.

Of course, it made sense that Cassie had maybe a tiny crush on Elisa. Elisa was safely untouchable, unlike Ben. Ben was far from safe for her heart, and besides, Ben had already rejected her. And that's what Cassie got for putting herself out there.

Snap answered the door with a broad smile and a giggling Luis resting on his hip. “Cass! So glad you could make it!” He swung Luis back to let Cassie in, and then threw him up into the air and caught him to Luis’ excited delight.

“Hey pretty lady, come on in here,” Elisa called from the kitchen, and Cassie smiled at Snap and Luis before moving toward her voice.

Elisa was pulling steaming biscuits out of the oven when she got there, and Cassie leaned against the counter, trying to be out of the way.

“Whew.” Elisa swiped the steam off her forehead from the oven and grinned at Cassie before turning to the fridge. “Hey, can I get you something to drink?” She paused at the door and winced, turning back to Cassie. “So um, I’m going to tell you a secret and you can’t tell anyone, or it would jinx it, okay?”

“Um, okay?” Cassie replied with a frown.

“Snap and I are trying to get pregnant again. So, uh. We don’t have any alcohol around, other than some of the scotch Snap keeps around for super special occasions. But no beer or anything, sorry,” she said with another wince.

“Oh! Oh, my gosh. Um. That’s exciting! Um. That’s fine! Whatever you have is fine!”

“Sorry, I just didn’t even think about it until right now, or I would have told you to BYOB. How about some lemonade?”

“Lemonade sounds great, and really, Lis, it’s okay.” She moved to the cupboard to grab glasses, then frowned when they were too high up.

“Oh, let me, sorry.” Before Cassie could move, Elisa was reaching over her to get the glasses, crowded into her space. Smelling amazing. _Shut it down, Cassandra. Maybe it's time to break out the vibe and scratch this itch._

“I would’ve managed,” she said defensively instead.

“Yeah, I know. Future reference? There’s a step stool by the fridge, because Snap is gargantuan and is always putting things up high.” Elisa poured the lemonade, handing one to Cassie and clinking their drinks together. “What should we toast to?”

“To a hard day’s work.”

Elisa grinned slyly. “To strong women.”

“Definitely,” Cassie agreed with a laugh.

 

Dinner was - well, it was lovely, to be honest. Homey. Not perfect, but homey. At one point, Luis threw a tantrum because he didn’t want to have to eat another carrot and Snap had sung this song from some kid’s show about always trying food before deciding he didn’t like it, but the carrot had ended up on the floor anyway, to be snarfed down by the Wexleys’ dog Francis. Elisa had looked over at Cassie apologetically and whispered sarcastically, “Oh yeah, but he’s not tired _at all.”_

Luis made it another ten or so minutes of Snap and Elisa trying to convince him to eat more before totally breaking down. “Okay, mijo, time for stories,” Elisa sighed.

Snap stood, gathering the crying Luis into his arms and leaning over to brush a kiss over Elisa’s forehead. “I’ve got it. You stay and hang out with Cassie.” He gave her a significant look, and Cassie was startled to see a blush tinge Elisa’s cheeks as she murmured something back in Spanish.

“Sorry,” she apologized again. “He’s - well, I’d say he’s not normally like that but honestly dinner time has been a trial recently.” She rested a hand over her stomach, laughing softly to herself. “And I want two of these.”

“Hey, it’s nothing, Lis. Kids are kids. Terrible twos, right?”

“Right.” Elisa rubbed her face. “Well, thank god for Snap, you know? I don’t know how single parents do it.” She looked up at Cassie, wiping her frown away. “But enough about that. What about you and Ben?”

“Me and Ben and _kids?”_ Cassie squeaked, then cleared her throat and took a gulp of lemonade.

“No, no, just you and Ben. How is that, um, going?”

“Oh, um.” She ran her finger around the rim of the glass, avoiding Elisa’s gaze. “It’s okay, I guess. I mean. I don’t know. He said he wanted space, but what does that mean for, I don’t know, whatever this is between us? I don’t even know if he sees a ‘whatever this is’ between us.  I don’t really know where we stand, and, like, I don’t know if he wants to pursue this or - it’s - it’s just kind of frustrating right now, you know? I hate when there aren't any rules.”

Elisa tsked, placing a comforting hand on her forearm. “I’m sorry, Cass,” she murmured sincerely.

Cassie shrugged. “It is what it is, you know? I mean, it’s not like I’m looking for anything right now. I’m so busy with everything at the farm. If it’s not going to work out with Ben, I’m not going to be devastated at any missed opportunities? Not like I’m hunting down people on Tinder or anything.” Cassie was, after all this time, extremely good at playing the pronoun game.

Elisa’s thumb was rubbing over the hair on her forearm, and when Cassie looked up, their eyes locked. “Cass-”

“Lis-” Cassie said at the same time.

They would have laughed, maybe, if the feelings in the kitchen weren’t so- _there,_ so present.

“Cass,” Elisa started again, “I have to confess something.”

Cassie licked her suddenly dry lips. “Go ahead.”

“I didn’t ask about Ben because- because I’m a good friend. I asked because I wanted to know if you were still single.” Her fingers squeezed a little at Cassie’s arm, her eyes practically begging Cassie to connect the dots.

 _Oh shit._ “You’re- you’re _not_ sing- Snap-” Cassie choked out, drawing back a little, because Lord knew she never wanted to be a homewrecker. Elisa was supposed to be _safe!_

Elisa moved back as well, giving her space. “Snap and I - well. I’m just a little bit, um. Totally poly. Polyamorous,” she said as an explanation.

“Oh. Um.”

“Snap and I are in an open relationship, kind of.”

“Kind of?” Cassie felt like her head was reeling.

“I don’t get, like, _final approval_ of Elisa’s outside relationships or anything,” Snap said, sitting down beside his wife and draping an arm around her shoulders. “But we discuss it quite a bit.”

“You’re- you’re okay with- you’d be okay with-” God help her, she couldn’t stop sputtering.

“Snap is my husband, my number one and always will be, and that will never change.” Elisa drew Snap’s hand up for a kiss. “But I also would like to go on a date with you, Cassie.”

They were both speaking to her like she was a spooked horse, and the thing was, it was actually working. A date- a date with a married woman was _unconventional,_ sure, but it was a _date,_ and two hours ago she’d been lamenting over the fact that she had a crush on an untouchable and probably straight woman.

A woman who was now, apparently, neither of those things.

“Wait, how did you know that I’m-” She paused, and changed to a whisper, _“Bi?”_

Elisa held her hand out, and Cassie took it automatically. “It’s okay, Cass, your secret is safe, if you want it to still be a secret.”

She grimaced. “My mom-”

“We understand completely,” Snap said, because of course they would. This was Organa’s. A safe place.

“We didn’t know. Just a lot of speculation with Snap on my part, and a lot of hope, and maybe some Sunday Mass prayers in there, too,” Elisa said with a grin, and Cassie had to laugh. “I’d say ‘don’t tell my priest’ but, you know, this whole thing sort of falls under the realm of ‘what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.’”

Cassie stared into Elisa’s sharp eyes for a moment. “Sorry, it’s going to take me a minute to catch up, probably.”

Now Elisa brought her hand up for a kiss. “You can take all the time you need, cariño.”  

“Absolutely no pressure,” Snap murmured.

“Are you like - like her _wingman?”_

That made Snap laugh. “Yeah, kind of. I just like to see my Lis happy.”

“I don’t know if I’m poly,” Cassie admitted softly. “How do you know? What if I-” _fall in love with you?_

“We go slowly. We negotiate every step together. We have clear expectations and rules and boundaries, and maybe, maybe, it’ll work.” Elisa’s smile was rueful. “And maybe it won’t, and we’ll have to figure out where to go from there with our friendship. But isn’t that the risk with every relationship? At some point, you have to take the plunge.”

Francis nudged against Cassie’s feet, and she reached down automatically to pet him, to give herself time to think, to break herself away from Elisa’s gaze.  _We negotiate every step together._ Christ, but that sounded like... _heaven._ She took a deep breath as she scratched the spaniel’s head.

“I think… a date… would be okay,” she finally said.

Elisa positively _beamed_ at her. “How about Friday? Portland?”

Portland was good. Portland was big and anonymous. “Yeah. Yes. Sounds great.”

Elisa eyed her sharply, then turned around to pull out a board game. “Come on, Snap keeps kicking my ass in Munchkin, I need your help to take him down.”

 

At the end of the night, she hugged Snap like she might her older brothers, and Elisa pressed a kiss to her cheek, and she found that it wasn’t a strange experience at all.

\--------------------

Cassie had been extremely nervous about the date, about what to talk about, or what to wear, or what they were going to do, or how far they would, um, take things at the end of the night.

Turns out, for most of those things, she needn’t have worried.

Going on a date with Elisa was just like grabbing lunch in town with Elisa or spending all day working with Elisa. Of _course_ they had stuff to talk about. Of _course_ Elisa liked Cassie’s jeans and blouse combo (because if it worked the other night, why not again, was Cassie’s argument. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and so forth).

What was different was that Elisa held her hand as they walked to the restaurant. And sat on the same side of the booth as her, their thighs touching. And rubbed a thumb over her knuckles as she listened to Cassie tell a story about her family.

But otherwise, she was Elisa, and Cassie was Cassie, and they laughed a lot, and told each other funny stories and dirty jokes, and split the check in half.

Elisa drove them back, and at Cassie’s place, Cassie paused, her hand on the truck door, holding her breath.

“Can I kiss you, Cassie?”

“Yeah. Yes,” she answered breathlessly.

Elisa popped her seatbelt and scooted across the truck’s bench seat. Her hand slid over Cassie’s, the other cupping Cassie’s cheek and turning her face toward her. The kiss was slow, and oh, so fucking soft. Almost chaste, if not for the involuntary little sound Cassie made. Elisa hummed against her lips, and Cassie felt them tip up into a smile.

“Good night, cariño.”

“Good night,” Cassie whispered back. Elisa scooted back, and Cassie gave her hand one last squeeze before heading out.

She watched the truck’s lights head back out onto the main road, and then down the driveway for Organa’s, waving to Elisa one last time before walking inside. And in her bedroom, she pulled out her very wonderful, very reliable vibrator and relived the kiss again and again.

\----------------------------------

It _worked_ for Cassie, and that was the weird thing. It worked, and she was happy, except maybe for the niggling feeling that she was keeping this huge secret. She couldn’t be out to her mom, let alone explain that she had a girlfriend who was someone’s _wife._

But oh my, how it _worked_ for Cassie. Clear rules and boundaries that made everyone safe and happy.

The next few weeks they went on a handful of dates, but more than that, they stole moments at the farms. One memorable night, Snap went out with Finn and Poe, and Elisa and Cassie stayed over at the Smith-Dameron house and watched all the kids and made out on the couch when everyone had gone to bed.

It was another night around the dining table at the Wexleys’, though, when _it_ came up. They were in that soft time where Luis had just been put to bed and the adults were finishing up their dinner. Somehow, they had gotten to talking about their experiences, and maybe it should have been weird, talking about it in front of Snap, but it just- it just wasn’t.

“Have you, with a girl, before?” Elisa asked, her hand curled in Snap’s but her gaze on Cassie.

“College,” Cassie said with a shrug, like, _doesn’t everyone?_ “It’s been awhile.”

Elisa leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Cassie’s lips. She was used to this, now, showing affection for Elisa in front of Snap. At first it had been weird. “I’m sorry,” Elisa murmured.

“Huh?”

“That it’s been awhile.”

Cassie shrugged again. “We could fix that,” she managed, her cheeks flushing furiously.

Elisa’s eyes glowed in the low light. “Yeah?” She looked back at Snap, who gave her a thumbs up, which was just enough to break the tension and make Cassie laugh. “Okay,” Elisa said, suddenly businesslike. “Snap and I both tested negative at our last tests, but I’m totally okay using a dental dam if you prefer.”

Cassie stared at her. Snap just laughed. “Don’t let her shock you.”

“Not shocked,” Cassie said. _Kinda shocked._ “Should I- I get tested? What with, um.” She looked pointedly down at Elisa’s stomach. She and Snap were still trying, after all.

“Okay, remind me at some point to lecture you on the need to visit your gyno regularly.” Elisa leaned forward to take her hand. “We can do whatever you want to do. Wait for testing, or have safe sex now. Or whenever. Sorry, I just-”

“No, no, it’s really good.” Cassie pressed her hot cheeks. “Just embarrassing,” she said with a laugh. “I don’t know why it should be.”

“See, that’s what I think, too.” Elisa’s grin was catching. “Kinda ruins the spontaneity, but, eh.”

“She’s going to be one of those moms that sits our kids down and goes through everything with them. The most sex positive kids on the block, probably.” Snap snuck a kiss on Elisa’s cheek. “I can’t wait.”

“So. To review, whenever you want, cariño, and whatever you want to do, okay?”

“Okay.”

And then Snap fist bumped her, because that was her life now.

 

They’d ended up watching an episode of Game of Thrones, though she and Elisa had mostly spent the episode making out, and Snap started snoring halfway through.

With a fond smile and eyeroll at her husband, Elisa stood, pulling Cassie up with her. “Do you want to come to bed with me?”

“Yes.”

They whispered past Snap and past the sleeping Luis’ room, and Elisa let them into the master bedroom, closing the door behind her.

“Won’t Snap like, um, get uncomfortable?”

“He’s good where he’s at for now, believe me. I’ll get him later.” Elisa swept Cassie’s braids away from her face and pulled her up to take her mouth again. “I’d like to eat you out, Cass, if you want.”

Cassie let out a breathless laugh. “Well, sure.”

Elisa just grinned. “Consent is sexy,” she whispered, biting at Cassie’s earlobe and making her shiver. She worked at the hem of Cassie’s button up, pulling it out of her jeans and opening the buttons. Revealing the shelf cami she wore in place of a bra. Elisa hummed, smoothing her fingers over her stomach and up to cup her small breasts, to run her fingers over Cassie’s nipples and watch them harden through the fabric.

Cassie pulled her back to the bed, sitting down and drawing Elisa into her lap. Elisa’s thighs slipped down on either side of her, pressing her into the bed, and then Elisa’s mouth was covering hers again and Cassie couldn’t quite believe it was all happening.

Elisa drew back to pull off her shirt and sports bra, and Cassie took the opportunity to lose her cami. She traced up Elisa’s soft stomach and along the spidering of stretch marks. Leaned in and pressed a kiss between Elisa’s breasts, over her pounding heart, was rewarded with another searing kiss.

They fell back onto the bed, Elisa still straddling her, moving against her, seeking friction. Cassie arched up, trying to help her find it, trying to find it herself. She moaned, and half of it was swallowed by Elisa’s kiss. Elisa moved on, sucking under her ear, along her neck, pressing kisses down until she found Cassie’s nipple and slipped her lips over it. Cassie buried her fingers in Elisa’s hair and held her there, arching again, loving the nip of Elisa’s teeth.

Breathless, smiling, Elisa scooted back and began to work on Cassie’s jeans. With a laugh, Cassie tried to help get the tight things off, and they ended up kicking and rolling around on the bed in a mess of giggles. Finally, _finally,_ Cassie was naked, Elisa leaning back on her knees to admire the view.

She kissed Cassie’s stomach, then up her body to her mouth again, then broke off to reach over and pull open a side drawer. Out came a package and a small bottle of lube. “So I’m going to use the dental dam on you, is that okay?”

“Yeah, yeah it is.” Cassie smiled, and let her legs drop open. Elisa grinned back.

She ran her hands over Cassie’s inner thighs, humming as she admired them. Leaning in, she kissed one, then spent a long moment with her eyes closed, breathing. “You smell amazing,” she murmured.

Cassie was fairly sure she’d never been more turned on in her _life._ “Thanks,” she managed with a breathless laugh.

“It’s going to be cold for a second, but the lube makes it feel like there’s nothing there, so it’s worth it,” Elisa explained as she opened the dam package and began to prepare. “Here we go.”

Cassie jumped a little as Elisa’s hands smoothed over her vulva, because yeah, cold, but also, oh god, Elisa’s hands were _on her._ And she was humming some soft little tune under her breath, watching her fingers slide over Cassie’s lips and smiling. Cassie arched up into her touch. “Beautiful,” Elisa  murmured.

Cassie gripped her fingers into the sheets when Elisa dipped down and began to run her tongue through Cassie’s lips. She found Cassie’s clit, circling her tongue there, and Cassie was amazed at how good it felt, considering the latex barrier.

And then she kind of just forgot about all of that, and let herself feel. Let Elisa explore and enjoy herself. Let herself enjoy. She spoke in arches and trembles and moans, answering Elisa’s occasional check ins with resounding yeses. Her skin felt like it was vibrating, and she stopped clutching the sheets to feel over herself, to smooth fingers over her sensitive skin and swipe over her nipples. Below, Elisa had two fingers deep inside her, and her tongue flat over Cassie’s clit, and Cassie was arching, riding, flying.

When Elisa finally brought her to climax, she felt like she’d been climbing there for hours. She collapsed with a groan against the mattress. “You are so gorgeous when you come,” Elisa murmured against her thigh before crawling up her body to kiss her again. Cassie sighed into the kiss, burying her hands in Elisa’s hair.

She slid a hand down Elisa’s body, found the snap on her jeans. “Can I?” she whispered, taking her cues from Elisa earlier.

“Yes please,” Elisa answered before taking her mouth again and guiding her hand inside her pants to exactly where she wanted to be touched. She loved the feel of Elisa everywhere, overwhelming her senses. Everything was Elisa, her world was Elisa, as she stroked over her clit and swallowed down her moans.

When she came, she stiffened in Cassie’s arms, squeezing her eyes shut and holding her breath as she rode Cassie’s fingers, then letting out a squeaky little sigh as she relaxed, boneless, to Cassie’s side.

“That was fucking fantastic,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to Cassie’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Thank _you,”_ Cassie said with a laugh.

Elisa rolled out of the bed and danced to the attached bathroom, then came back with a damp washcloth. “Let me just finish the job here.” She grinned up at Cassie as she pulled the dam away and tossed it in the garbage, then lovingly cleaned away the stickiness between Cassie’s legs. Cuddling back into her side when she was done, Elisa murmured, “Do you want to stay?”

Cassie thought about it for a moment, but decided against it. This was working for her, yeah, but sleeping with Elisa and Snap in the same bed was just… just a little more than she wanted. She shook her head. “I should get back. I have an early day tomorrow, have to drive out to the Gorge to talk to some suppliers.”

“No problem.” Elisa sounded like she meant it, sealing her words with a final kiss.

\-----------------

It was working for Cassie, and Elisa, and Snap.

And then...Ben entered the picture again.

It wasn’t like a sudden declaration of love or even a “hey, do you want to date?” so much as, well, doing the same thing Elisa had done, rooting right into the center of Cassie’s heart by volunteering his time at the farm, working to get their fathers’ legacy running again.

They fell into the rhythms they’d established over the winter. For all that Ben was a city boy now, he had been raised on a farm, after all, and he was fairly good muscle, Cassie mused. They still had another year before they’d be producing their own hops in enough quantity to start up the brewery again, and Ben had actually surprised her by expressing interest in that side of the business. One night, early on, they sat, beers in hand, and talked about the future of Solo Brews. Or Solo-Calrissian Brews, Ben suggested, making Cassie laugh.

At a quiet moment, Cassie took a drink, then looked back to find Ben staring at her eyes. A few months ago, she might have blushed. Now, she raised a challenging eyebrow.

“Cass, I know I fucked this up,” Ben murmured, gesturing with his beer bottle between the two of them. “I - as much as I’m happy to be speaking to my mom again, I’m sad that I pushed you away.” His eyes cut away, and he looked vulnerable. Hell, it was a vulnerable act.

“Well, you’re back now,” she said back, trying to be nonchalant.

“Is there any- any chance…?”

It was Cassie’s turn to look away, to look down at where her fingers were gripping into her leg. “It’s- um. Complicated. I have, um. A significant other.”

“Oh, god, I’m sorry, just forget I said anything.”

“No, um, I’m flattered. Really. You were- I mean, once upon a time…”

“Too late, though,” he said with a sardonic twist of his lips. “I’m happy for you, if he’s making you happy.”

Cassie winced internally at the heteronormativity. Hemmed. Hawed. Took another sip of beer. “She does,” she finally said, looking up to meet Ben’s eyes defiantly, given his history.

Ben flushed, and cleared his throat. “And I guess I need to apologize again. I’m sorry for assuming-”

Cassie waved it away with her hand. “It’s okay. I mean, it’s not, like, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not okay, but right now, it’s okay.” She locked eyes with him. “You can’t tell anyone.”

He shook his head quickly, then held up one of his ridiculously large hands, pinky extended. “I swear I won’t.”

Glancing down at the pinky, then back up at him, Cassie grinned and shook it with hers. “Thanks.”

 

After that, their friendship blossomed. Cassie was glad they’d gotten that awkward conversation out of the way, actually. Because now she could see exactly when Ben and Poe had been friends before Snoke poisoned Ben’s mind. He was sweet, and stupidly, subtly funny, and he was truly trying to atone for his past mistakes. And, he had a head for numbers. While Cassie had taken business classes in college, it was helpful to have another person to run things over with, especially someone like Ben who was invested personally in making the farm work. He was dedicated to building up what he’d lost when he’d rejected his father.

She even, one night, after making him swear up and down not to judge her, told him about her relationship with Elisa. He was now the only other person who knew besides Snap and Elisa, and she about had a panic attack while she waited for his reaction.

His reaction: a furrowed brow, and: “I’m just going to assume from the start that I don’t know shit about how any of that is working. So, uh. Do you want to explain it to me? You don’t have to. I know that’s, um. Emotional labor.”

“Hey, look at you. Learning.” She gave him a friendly punch on the arm, and he grinned goofily. “If you’re not going to freak out on me, I’m not worried about explaining,” she continued, eyebrow raised in challenge.

“I promise not to freak out.”

\------------------------

Warm arms wrapped around her middle, a chin moving her braids off her neck so light lips could be pressed there. “Hey, beautiful.”

“Lis,” Cassie sighed, turning in her arms and pulling her down for a kiss.

Elisa pushed her up against the barn wall and slid her hands down to Cassie’s ass to boost her up a bit. “Mmm, you feel like summer.”

“That’s because it’s a billion degrees in this barn. I probably smell-”

“Sweet. You smell sweet, so shut it.” Elisa grinned, nipping at her bottom lip a little. “Can you take a little break? I have to be back at the farm in, like, ten minutes.”

“Aww. That’s not nearly enough time to have any fun.”

“Don’t dare me.”

Cassie just smiled sweetly back.

“But seriously, break? Get inside, get something cool to drink?”

“Sure,” Cassie replied with a shrug of her shoulders.

Inside, Elisa pushed Cassie into one of the kitchen chairs and started rummaging around the cupboards and fridge for ice and lemonade. She plunked a cup down in front of Cassie and dropped into a chair, still grinning.

“So, what’s up?”

“Went to the clinic this morning.”

Cassie sat up straighter.

“I’m not going to drag this out. I’m pregnant. It’s, uh, early, still, so we’re not telling anyone, okay?”

Realizing that Elisa and Snap included her in the exclusive group of people - apparently just the three of them - that knew about the pregnancy did funny things to Cassie’s heart. She smiled, pulling Lis over for a quick brush of lips. “Baby, I’m so happy for you.”

“So I know you knew we were trying before we,” Elisa gestured between them, “became a thing, but…” She cupped Cassie’s face. “I’d understand if you want to bail. It’s- fuck, Cass, it’s a lot, okay? I’ve done it once. The whole shebang is… well. Not pleasant, for the most part. It’s the best, being a mom, don’t get me wrong. But you didn’t sign up for it automatically when we started dating. So I won’t blame you if you want to cut and run, you know?”

Cassie froze, and tried to examine her feelings, because she wanted to immediately reject this idea Elisa was proposing, but the steadier part of her - her mom’s influence, for sure, and not her dad’s - held back. “What does - what does it look like to you? In your mind? Me staying in the picture?”

Elisa’s thumb brushed over her cheek. “I’d love more of the same. Dates. Girl time. I’m just- I mean. Pregnancy basically turns me into a cantankerous bitch. I just want you to know what you’re signing up for.”

“So you’re not looking for- for like, a more, I don’t know, permanent thing. Like co-parenting, or anything.”

“I’m not.” Elisa’s eyes were sincere on hers. “Are you?” she whispered.

“I’m not,” Cassie murmured back, almost surprising herself.

“Do you still want to be with me, like we have been?”

“I- yes. Yes. Is that- is that okay?”

“Cariño, god, you are the sweetest thing. You’re telling me I can have a husband _and_ a girlfriend, and everyone’s okay with the situation? I’m going to be the most pampered pregnant lady there ever was.”

Cassie grinned back at Elisa, then drew her into another kiss. “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty great. I mean, I’ve got morning sickness, well, more like afternoon sickness. I’ve had to spend my afternoon break for the last week in the bathroom, but hey, babies! Miracle of life, et cetera.” She smiled at Cassie’s frown. “Seriously, it’s okay. It sucks, but it could be a lot worse. The stories I heard at mommy group. So you’re not freaked out?”

Again, Cassie took a moment to formulate her answer. “I’m not. I’m so, so happy for you guys. And I know this is going to change life in general, but I hope it doesn’t change us.”

“Well, the biggest difference is that I’m going to be incredibly tired for the next...let’s go with three years, depending on my milk?” She brushed her thumb over Cassie’s lips. “I’m going to be a really bad girlfriend, probably. I just want you to know, that decision to stay or to get out? You can make it at any time. I’ll be incredibly sad to see you go, but I’ll understand. And I always have Snap. You’re like. My cherry on top. Don’t let me be your minuscule sundae.”

“You have the most ridiculous metaphors.” Except, when Cassie thought about it, it was sort of perfect, actually. Exactly how she felt about Elisa. “What if- what if you’re my cherry on top, too?”

“But you’re missing the ice cream.”

“Am I, though?” Cassie said, even as she thought of Ben. She shrugged. “I promise, if I’m unhappy, we’ll talk it through, okay? But right now, I’m not unhappy at all.”

Lis crawled into her lap to bury her fingers in Cassie’s braids and take her mouth. “You are an amazing girlfriend. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.”

Elisa sighed, resting her cheek against Cassie’s. “Okay, I need to get back. I already missed most of the morning with the appointment and celebrating with Snap. I need to get some work done before the nausea takes me out of commission for a bit.” She kissed Cassie’s cheek. “But, my place later? We can test out that whole ‘pregnant women taste different thing, if you want,” she said with a wink.

Cassie laughed, pulling her in for one last kiss before helping her up. “I mean, when you put it like that, now I _have_ to know. To satisfy my scientific curiosity.”

“I look forward to it, beautiful.”

\-----------------------

The Fourth of July Incident, as it was being called around the farm, was terrifying and awful and Cassie’s heart went out to Finn and Poe and poor Amelia. When Finn texted and asked for Ben’s number, though, Cassie felt a little lighter in her heart.

She ended up agreeing to head over to the Smith-Dameron property with Ben, because he was being a nervous idiot about the whole thing. _What are friends for?_

What she wasn’t expecting was for Finn to tease her about her ‘relationship’ with Ben. She got flustered, and felt a bit like punching Finn in the arm for making her feel that way, and for making assumptions, and for being heteronormative… seriously, did she need to shout from the rooftops, “There are more bi people than you think!” for people not to assume stuff?

But then he distracted her by bringing her into the living room where Ben was shyly, awkwardly, half-in-love-ly interacting with Amelia, because Amelia made everyone fall in love with her, and Cassie’s heart stopped for a second. Stuttered. Brought back old feelings. Complicated old feelings.

“Oh,” she managed.

Finn grinned at her, stupid _guy,_ and said, “Trust me, it’ll be okay,” like all Cassie had to do was believe in the power of love or something.

And like, she _knew_ Finn had her best interest at heart but _blargh._

Because now she had all these uncompartmentalized _feelings_ that felt different than all her lovely, beautiful, within-boundaries feelings for Elisa. And how had that happened? And _why?_

Why couldn’t her heart be satisfied with her perfectly lovely girlfriend?

And then: _Oh. So this is how Elisa feels._

_This is poly. Or maybe it is._

\------------------

After the visit, she sought out the one person she knew who was most knowledgeable in the subject: Elisa, of course. Who else to have a poly-crisis with than your poly girlfriend?

Elisa frowned at her “Can we talk?” and bustled her inside. “Luis is down for a nap, Snap is out covering Poe’s work so Poe can be with Amelia, come on in. Are you okay? You look a little pale.”

She pushed Cassie down onto the couch gently, and sat beside her, angling them so she could rub over Cassie’s shoulders and press a kiss on her cheek. “You’re so tense. What’s the matter, cariño?”

“I think I have feelings for someone,” Cassie admitted softly.

Elisa just continued to massage her shoulders. “Tell me more.”

“Ben. I have feelings for Ben, and it’s...complicated.” When Elisa stayed quiet, Cassie struggled to find more words. “Everything with you was - is - easy. Because you set up our boundaries, and it’s been easy to stay within those. To get what we both want out of this. With Ben, it’s never been that clear. We’re friends, best friends, even, but when it comes to relationship stuff… we’re not good at communicating.”

Elisa pressed a kiss to her neck. “You haven’t been good in the past, maybe, but you have a different experience now. You can do with Ben what you did with me.”

“Even if I think he might be my sundae, and not my cherry?” Elisa chuckled at that, low, and it made Cassie laugh, too, if a bit tearily.

“What makes you think you can’t negotiate boundaries in all of your relationships?”

“You and Snap…?”

“Oh yeah. Absolutely. And other people do it, too. Finn and Poe, definitely, though they probably don’t call it that.”

“What if he doesn’t want a girlfriend that’s already dating someone?”

Elisa’s arms smoothed down her shoulders and came around her stomach to hold her in a close hug, her chin resting on Cassie’s shoulder. Cassie leaned into it, sighing a bit. “Do you want to date both of us at once?” she murmured in Cassie’s ear.

As she was wont to do, Cassie went quiet and let herself think about it as she rubbed over Elisa’s arms. “Yes. Maybe, in the future, no? But right now, yes. And not because I think Ben won’t like it, but because I want this, right now. Who’s to say what I’ll want in the future?”

Elisa laughed again. “Good. Be stubborn about it. Either your partner accepts your stubbornness and you work together to find a solution, or you need a new partner. Just ask Snap.” She squeezed Cassie closer. “If Ben can’t come around to what you want right now, then you’ll have to come around to not wanting Ben. Did you know the surefire solution to getting over a man is lots of sex with your girlfriend?”

Cassie snorted. “I love you.”

“I love you right back, cariño.”

“So I’m going to talk to Ben.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Want me to help you figure out what to say?”

“Yeah. Later.”

“Want to make out with me until Luis wakes up?”

“Yeah,” Cassie replied with a laugh, turning and drawing Lis into her lap.

\-------------------------------

“Hey!” Cassie swung the door open to Ben’s lanky frame, and he grinned awkwardly at her.

“Hey. I, um, brought this?” He held up a six pack of a Salem brewery. “More research?”

Cassie grinned. “My favorite kind. Come on, the pizza’s already cooking.”

Ben strode in with his stupidly long legs and set the beer on the kitchen table, then turned and looked quizzical. “I thought we were going to go over the plans-” Cassie understood his confusion; normally the table was covered in papers.

“I was, um. Wondering if you wanted to talk, first?” Cassie bit her lip, then turned to get a church key and popped open two of the six pack. Handed one off to Ben, who was looking worried.

“Sure, Cass,” he replied, sitting down when she gestured.

She took a drink as she sat, let herself collect her thoughts once more. “Remember when you asked about if there was still anything between us?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you still interested?”

“I-” Ben choked on a sip of beer and coughed, flustered. “Yes. I’m sorry. Have I been too obvious? I didn’t mean to make things awkward, I swear.”

“No- no. You’ve done a good job of hiding it, then. Or maybe not, since Finn thinks we’re about to get married.”

“Oh jeez,” Ben replied, rubbing his neck, his cheeks pink.

“I am...also interested. Maybe I was the whole time. I don’t know.”

“Oh-okay. Um.” Ben sat up a little straighter. “What does that mean?”

“It means,” Cassie sighed, “I like you, and I liked you before, and I’ve probably liked you this whole time, but it scares me, because you’re not- It’s not like with Elisa. I know what’s expected of me there, and what to expect. We have structure, boundaries.” She scratched a little at the bottle’s paper label. “I’m not exactly a spontaneous person.”

“I like that about you,” Ben said quietly, making Cassie look up. He was smiling now, just a little. “I like a lot about you, but I love that you’re a thinker. You’re not rash. I’m- well. You know. Everyone knows. Not the best at that, although I’ve gotten better with therapy.”

“I’d like to try, with us, if you want. But I have to- I need to set that structure. And I don’t know if that will work for you.”

“I’d like to talk about it before we totally dismiss the idea.”

Cassie slipped a hand over Ben’s on the table. “Then let’s talk about it.”


	51. Welcome Home - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess is ready for her wife to get back from deployment - she has plans.

The move to Tacoma had been good for them; Jess and Rey had always been able to maintain a good relationship, even when Rey was away, but at Tacoma, Rey’s teaching duties kept her more or less stationed on base and not flying God knew where. Jess had grown used to her wife being around all the time.

Maybe that’s what had made her deployment especially bad. Like, call Finn and Poe up and convince them to let Meghan come stay with Jess so she wouldn’t be lonely, bad. Hey, she’d made sure Meghan was done with school first. And taken her to, like, art museums and shit. She was a responsible aunt.

But now Rey was on her way home, and Meghan was back in Oregon, which meant they had the house to themselves, and Jess had _plans._

Rey’s plane was on time miraculously, had landed minutes ago. Jess bounced in her spot in anticipation, holding up her sign - “Mrs. Pav-hottie.”

Her eyes searched over the crowds coming through the security check, looking for her woman- “Rey!”

Rey looked her direction, broke into a grin, and trotted the last few steps to her, swinging her down into a kiss that had Jess wondering how close they were to recreating that famous World War II VE-Day photo. The sign slipped out of her fingers as she buried them in Rey’s uniform, pulling her wife closer and sinking in.

When Rey let her back up, Jess wasted no time in pulling her into a tight hug. “Baby,” she whispered, surprising herself with tears. “Oh, god. I’m so glad you’re back.”

“Me, too, love,” Rey murmured back in her ear, and at the sound of the endearment, Jess really lost it, sobbing into Rey’s shoulder. Rey rubbed quietly over her back, letting her get the feelings out.

The crowds moved around them. Eventually, Jess noticed them and colored, breaking away from Rey and taking her hand. “Let’s go home.”

All the love in the world shone from Rey’s eyes. “Let’s.”

\-------------------------

“What do you need? What would you like to do now?” Jess asked, taking Rey’s duffle from the back seat and hitting the button to close the garage door.

“I could use a shower. Feel like I’ve got permanent sand and dirt stuck everywhere.”

Jess followed her inside the house, the movements all familiar and yet- yet, god, she’d missed this, these past months. “A shower might be nice, but-” She set Rey’s duffle down with a thunk and took her hand, loathe to let her wife go. “But I just got a new bath bomb from Lush.”

She ran her fingers over Rey’s hair, captured in a ponytail. “I’d- this sounds silly but- but I’d like to take care of you, if you’d let me. Wash your hair, check every inch of your body to make sure you came back to me in one piece.”

Rey smiled, pulling Jess close, sinking into a kiss. “That sounds- god,” she replied with a large exhale, “that sounds like heaven, right about now.”

Jess led Rey to their bathroom, to the large tub that was their dream. Desert children, tub the size of swimming pool, totally made sense, Rey always liked to joke. _This is why you make the big bucks, hotshot,_ Rey teased her.

She urged Rey back until she’d hopped up on the counter, Jess standing between her legs, tracing over the battle-worn skin of Rey’s face. “You’re so goddamned lovely,” Jess murmured. “Way better than Skype-you.”

Rey grinned at her, reaching for the buttons on her uniform shirt.

“Uh uh, let me.” Jess started at her throat, leaning into to press a kiss every time she exposed more skin. She let her lips feel the thundering of Rey’s heart, the living warmth of her skin. _You weren’t taken from me._

She helped Rey shrug out of the shirt and threw it on the floor in a crumpled mess - they had two days before Rey had to report, plenty of time to wash and iron. Right now, the uniform could go fuck itself because she was definitely going to fuck her wife.

She left little marks all over Rey’s chest, up her collarbone, where it wouldn’t show. She traced over the dark tan lines - her pilot’s tan, Rey always joked - with her lips, wanting to worship every inch of Rey’s skin.

Overwhelmed, Rey pulled her back for a deep kiss, and Jess relished the little gasping sound in Rey’s throat, the only sounds in the bathroom besides the water running in the tub. Rey’s camo-clad thighs wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer, her own impatient hands tugging at the hem of Jess’s work blouse. Soon, skin was pressed to skin, but not enough, never enough until - Rey and Jess hummed simultaneously as they lost the bras as well, discarded in a heap on the floor.

“Missed you,” Rey whispered, biting at Jess’s earlobe.

Jess just shot her a grin and knelt to unlace her combat boots. It was probably a ridiculous spectacle - topless, boobs free, her work skirt hiked up so she could pull Rey’s boots off - but she didn’t really care. Boots off meant pants off meant panties off meant - “Mmmm.” Jess sank her fingers into Rey’s wiry brown curls. “Welcome home.”

Rey laugh-gasped, arching into Jess’s fingers. “Th-thanks.”

Jess checked the bath, stopped the water, and stepped out of her remaining clothes. She grabbed the necessary supplies - bath bomb, shampoo, soap, washcloth - and stepped into the relaxing water. Grinning up at Rey, she held out her hand and spread her legs, making a spot for Rey to settle in.

Rey groaned as she sunk into the water, then laid back to pillow herself on Jess’s chest. “You have no idea how amazing this feels after months of shit showers.”

Jess rubbed circles over Rey’s belly. “You’re right, I really don’t. But _you_ feel amazing in my arms.”

They lay like that for awhile, watching the bath bomb fizz out and leave behind the scent of honeysuckle. It would cling to Rey’s skin for another day, Jess knew from experience. Leave their skin soft and supple and smooth. She cradled Rey between her legs,wrapping her arms around her like she was Jess’s most precious possession - she almost _was,_ if a person could be a possession, Jess supposed. But they couldn’t, not like this, not and love like this.

Rey tipped her head back, and they sunk into lazy kisses for a few minutes. Jess almost felt drugged when she pulled back and reached for Rey’s pony tail. Carefully, she pulled the hair free and shot the hair tie away like a rubber band to make Rey laugh. Jess combed her fingers through the fine brown hair, then scooped up water to wet it. Rey sighed, leaning back, letting her hair tip underwater and fan out. With her own sigh, Jess lathered up her hands and worked the shampoo down to Rey’s roots, massaging over her wife’s scalp lovingly. Every movement was careful, and loving, and precious.

“Yeah,” Rey said with a sigh. “That’s way better than doing it myself in the shower.”

With a little giggle, Jess slipped one hand down and tweaked Rey’s nipple with soapy fingers. “Doing it by yourself in the shower is highly overrated, can confirm. I think our showerhead has gotten a little overworked the last few months.”

Rey snorted as Jess rinsed the shampoo out. “Don’t tell me we’ll be heading to Home Depot again. I think those guys are starting to suspect something.”

“Pretty sure they suspected something long ago,” Jess said with a laugh.

She soaped up the washcloth and began to run it over Rey’s skin in great sweeping movements, exfoliating that scratchy feeling of sand away. Rey’s knees fell open, moaning a little in frustration when Jess’s hands were efficient yet teasing over her vulva.

“No fair,” Rey protested.

“Mmm?”

“You know what I mean.” Rey tipped her head back to nip at Jess’s neck - nothing too evident, she had court on Monday. She stole the cloth from Jess and left it hanging on the side, then took control of Jess’s hand, leading it to the juncture between her thighs.

“That’s what I like about you, baby. You’re always getting straight to the point.” With a grin, Jess swept through Rey’s folds, teasing still with light touches all over. Rey turned around to give her a disgruntled look, and Jess couldn’t help but laugh and kiss Rey’s furrowed brow. “Okay, okay.”

She sunk two fingers inside Rey, as deep as they could go, and Rey arched into the touch. “Like that?”

_“Yes,”_ Rey moaned.

With a happy grin, Jess snuck her other hand around Rey’s body, caressing down her stomach to find her clit. The first time she circled it, Rey’s hips thrust forward violently, and she shook in Jess’s arms. “Shhh, I’ve got you,” Jess murmured. “You’re back and safe with me.”

Rey shook her head and pulled Jess down for a kiss. Jess drank in her moans as she hooked her fingers inside Rey, all the while circling over her clit. She was stirring Rey into a frenzy that was reflected in the frantic churning of the water. “Come for me,” she said against Rey’s lips, and Rey arched, groaning and shuddering, working herself against Jess’s fingers until she reached the point of oversensitivity. She thudded gently back against Jess’s chest with a heavy, sated sigh.

Jess held her close as she came down, murmuring love words in her ear. Eventually, Rey stirred, wrinkling her nose at the cooling water. “I don’t want to move, but also I don’t really want to be in here anymore.”

“Yeah, why the fuck haven’t we figured out teleportation yet?”

“And instant drying.”

“Call up NASA and tell them to get on it.”

“Mmhmm yes, I will do that first thing Monday.”

“But until then…”

“Until then.” Rey groaned, pushing herself up and out, grabbing one of the big, fluffy towels and wrapping herself in it.

“Aw. I wanted to do that,” Jess said with a pout. “Wrap you all up.” She pulled her own towel around her.

Rey grinned and hip-bumped her. “Is this still ‘give Rey what she wants’ time?”

Jess winked from under the towel she was using to dry her hair. “Absolutely.”

Rey tugged at Jess’s towel until it came off and fell to the floor. “Well, then, Rey wants to take her wife to bed and see if she tastes as good as she smells,” Rey murmured, ghosting her lips over Jess’s neck.

“I think that can be arranged.” Jess gasped a little as Rey’s lips found her pulse point. “Definitely.”


	52. Innuendo? In-his-endo. - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn is frustrated by a dry patch between he and Poe. In a dry patch, everything sounds dirty. This was written for the prompt "just get on your knees and shove it in", prompted by @bisexualdavidjacobs on tumblr.

Something was missing from the Smith-Dameron household, and Finn knew at least three-fifths of the household didn’t know it was missing. Possibly four-fifths, if he wasn’t feeling very generous to Poe at the moment.

It was silly, of course, to be so ungenerous to Poe. There were a lot of things going on at any given moment, after all. A lot of stress. First of all, there were Meghan’s hormone treatments, Amelia’s broken leg, and Caleb’s seeming intent to want to match his sister in the broken-leg department by being the cutest little three-year-old terror he could be. Then, there was the fact that Poe had received the grant to build housing on Organa’s for his veteran employee/foster program. Finn couldn’t have been prouder of his amazing husband, of course.

But with everything going on in the Smith-Dameron household, the sex had gone missing, and dammit, Finn missed it.

———————–

Finn turned from the computer to his phone, and hit the speed dial. “Hey, princess,” he said, smiling, when Rey picked up.

“Hey, trooper. Are you at work?”

“Yeah, well, I haven’t had a clear time to call you when I’m at home, so…”

“I’ve noticed! I’ve missed you guys. How is everyone?”

Finn leaned back in his office chair, sighing and running a hand over his hair. “Oh, you know. It’s a full time job keeping Amelia from trying to walk on her cast and keeping Caleb from getting a matching one. Once one of us gets home, Meghan heads straight to her room for the night, not that I blame her, after looking after those two all afternoon.” Finn frowned. “I should probably ask her if it’s getting to be too much, actually.”

“She skyped the other night with Jess and me. Didn’t seem stressed, mostly exasperated, just like you sound.”

“Well that’s a relief. Still, I should make some time to talk to her about it.” Finn added it to his mental to-do list.

“How come you didn’t call us when you’re home, then we could have entertained the little ones?” Rey smiled at him.

Finn groaned. “Because I need to ask you something, and I need you to keep it to yourself. Not even Jess, got it, Rey?”

Rey’s eyes widened. “Of course, Finn. What is it?”

Finn took a deep breath to prepare himself. “Okay, so, I know this is really private, but… “

“Oh my god, Finn, spit it out.” Rey rolled her eyes when Finn hesitated.

“How often do you and Jess have sex?” If Rey had been drinking water, she’d have done a spit-take, Finn thought. Dissecting bedroom activities had never been part of their friendship. “I know it’s personal. But you have Jess have been together for about as long as Poe and I have, so I thought it might be a good comparison.”

“Not getting any, eh, trooper?” Rey had recovered, and now Finn knew she was laughing at him.

“Well… no,” Finn admitted, because if he couldn’t be honest with Rey, then why had he called in the first place?

Rey’s eyes filled with sympathy. “Did you guys have a fight? I thought the Ben stuff was over for the most part.” Rey’s voice was chilly; she still didn’t approve of Ben coming back into their lives.

“No! Everything is fine, it’s just, with the grant, and the kids, we haven’t had time for each other.”

“Have you talked to Poe about it?” Rey asked pointedly.

Finn looked away. “No,” he admitted. “I just… I was thinking, maybe that’s normal, you know?  We’re getting older. Hell, I’m going to be thirty in a month, he’s thirty-nine. Maybe it’s normal to stop… doing it.”

“I can’t believe you just said ‘doing it.’” Rey was definitely laughing at him.

“This isn’t something we normally talk about! But I don’t want to ask anyone else,” Finn said defensively.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Rey replied, turning the last of her giggles into a cough. “Listen, Finn, women are different. Technically Jess and I are heading toward our peak, not coming down from it.” At Finn’s dismayed face, Rey smiled again. “When was the last time, Finn?”

Finn didn’t even have to think about it. “Four weeks ago, when I gave Poe his standard birthday blow-.”

Rey held a hand up to the screen in protest.“Whoa, okay, don’t need details.” She thought it through. “Four weeks isn’t really that long, buddy. Jess and I’ve gone longer when I’m on assignment.”

“Feels long,” Finn grumbled.

“You know, maybe the fact that you called it standard gives you a clue.”

Finn gasped. “Do you think he’s bored of me?”

Rey rolled her eyes. “No, I don’t think he’s bored of you. Unless we’re talking about a different Poe Dameron. Because the one I know looks at you like he still can’t believe you’re his.”

Finn felt the blush. “That’s true. I love him so much.”

“Sap. Talk to Poe. It’s the only way to truly know, Finn, and you know that.”

“The kids-”

Rey cut him off. “Give Leia and Anne a gigantic bottle of wine as a bribe, or whatever it takes. You need to talk to Poe if it’s bothering you this much.”

“You’re right.”

Rey smiled winningly at him. “Well, you know, I do have a great deal more experience with marriage than you do-”

“Shut up, Rey.”

“Because I’ve been married for so much longer-”

“Rey.”

“And my wife and I fuck like-”

“Rey! Shut it! Oh my god, you’re right. We can’t talk about this.” When Finn hit the end call button, Rey was still doubled up in laughter.

———————–

Arranging for a night alone was surprisingly easy. He’d needed three bribes, though: wine for Leia and Anne for taking Amelia; a six-pack for Snap (and some cookies for Elisa, since they were expecting again), to take Caleb (“It’ll give us practice with two at once,” Elisa said, still in her glowy stage); and money to Meghan for her and Janine to go to the movies and then spend the night at Janine’s house. The hardest part had been dealing with the knowing looks on everyone’s faces, even Meghan’s. Snap waggling his eyebrows had been just a little too much, and Finn had made a swift exit to try and find Poe. “He’s still working in the barn,” Snap called after him.

Despite the nerves he felt about their impending talk, Finn was already half-hard thinking about the fact that he’d actually managed to clear out the house for the night. When he opened the barn door to Poe in nothing but a white tank and jeans, covered in grease and sweat, and grunting over something on the tractor, half became full.

“Babe!” Poe’s eyes lit up to see Finn. God, he’d never get used to that. “Perfect timing. I need some help.” Poe turned back to the tractor, and Finn licked his lips.

“I’d like to give you that help.”

“Come,” Poe beckoned, and Finn wondered if he was doing it on purpose.

“Coming.” If Poe wasn’t, Finn certainly was.

“See that hole right there?” Poe shone a flashlight into the engine of the tractor. Finn nodded. “This needs to plug into it,” he continued, holding up some piece of machinery that also managed to look indecent to Finn’s mind.

Finn swallowed. “Okay, plug it in, huh?” Finn reached his hand out for the piece.

“Wait, let me get it greased first.” He had to be doing it on purpose, Finn thought.

Poe handed the piece off to Finn. “Okay, it’s a weird angle. You’re going to have to just get on your knees and shove it in.”

Finn dropped the metal piece to the floor of the barn, where it clanged against a wrench, and turned to Poe, crowding him against the cool of the tractor. “You have to be kidding me.”

Poe’s wide eyes quickly turned to something more like interest. He grinned. “I guess that did sound suggestive.”

If Finn had been capable of laughing, he would have. Instead, he captured Poe’s arms at his sides and leaned down to lick at the salt of his collarbone. Poe whimpered, just a little, as he caught up with Finn’s mood. Finn rolled his hips against Poe, let him feel his hardness, and Poe rolled back. Finn’s mouth crept up Poe’s neck, along his jaw line, until he reached Poe’s mouth, devouring it. When he leaned back, Poe was looking at him, eyes wide and helpless and pliant. He sighed, releasing Poe’s arms, and Poe moaned a little at the loss.

“We need to talk, Poe.”

Poe’s eyes sharpened with concern. “Yeah?” he said vulnerably.

Finn reached up to cup one cheek. “Nothing bad, but… have you been bored lately, with me?”

Poe’s eyebrows raised. “What?” He raised one of his hands, stroking over Finn’s hair. “Where’s this coming from?”

“Four weeks, Poe. It’s been four weeks since we had sex. We didn’t even have anniversary sex.”

“Amelia was getting her cast readjusted-” Poe cut himself off. “No, you’re right. Four weeks.”

“It’s the longest we’ve gone, even when we only had Skype available.”

Poe brought his other hand up, drawing Finn’s face over so their foreheads rested together. “Baby, I’m not bored of you. I’m sorry I made you think that.”

Finn was able to laugh a little, now. “No, I think my head’s responsible for that one.” He breathed in and out in sync with Poe. “I miss it when it’s gone, is all. I love you in a million ways, but being intimate with you is an important one for me.”

Poe tipped his head forward, kissing Finn sweetly, softly. “Then we’ll make time for it, Finn.” He rested their foreheads together again. “I promise.”

Finn grinned. “We have time now. There’s no one at the house. I got everyone out.”

Poe arched an eyebrow. “Oh really? Feeling confident, were we?”

“We either needed to talk, or fuck, and both required no children.”

Poe laughed. “Still, there’s exactly the right amount of people right here.” Poe’s hands left Finn’s hair, squeezing into his ass instead. “And you look so sexy, in that suit, my smart, handsome lawyer of a husband.”

“I’m feeling decidedly overdressed,” Finn said as he worked the white tank up over Poe’s chest, burying his fingers in the springy hair there.

“Let me help you out with that.” Poe finished taking off the tank, then started working on Finn’s tie, his button down, his suit coat.

Finally they were wrapped around each other, bare chested, Poe crying out when Finn tweaked a nipple. “I love you all greasy,” Finn groaned, as he unzipped Poe’s jeans. He worked the fabric just enough to release Poe’s hard cock, stroking it slowly before descending to his knees and licking his way up to the head and swirling over the tip with his tongue. Poe grabbed his head, but instead of pushing him down further, he tugged lightly to make Finn pull off with a low pop. “I thought I said, on your knees, shove it in,” he said with a smile, dropping to his knees as well, then kicking his jeans and boxers off and positioning himself on his hands and knees in front of Finn. He turned around, grinning, eyebrow arched in expectation.

“Jesus. Okay.” Finn scrambled back to his coat and found the small tube he’d placed there, just in case.

Poe laughed when he saw the lube. “Always prepared, huh, baby?”

Finn shucked his own dress pants off, grinning back. “I had a feeling I was going to need it at some point tonight.” He lubed up a finger, began the process of preparing Poe. “It’s been awhile, you’re so tight,” he murmured, pressing a kiss on one perfectly rounded cheek.

“It feels perfect,” Poe choked out when Finn had worked up to three fingers. “Finn, please.” Poe dropped down onto his elbows, resting his head on his hands, and arched his ass higher toward Finn. “Please, baby.”

It was telling that Poe was already so far gone with just fingers. Finn knew then that he’d missed it too. Poe shuddered at the loss in the brief moment before Finn replaced his fingers with his cock, sliding in deep, and then Poe was shuddering for a different reason. Finn closed his eyes, setting a rhythm that was filling up all of the empty spots that had been left behind over the last four weeks.

——————————

“We need to move. The barn floor is disgusting. We need to take, like, an hour long shower.”

“Showering requires going home. Going home requires walking across the farm. Walking across the farm requires getting dressed,” Poe grumbled.

“Your logic is flawless, baby.” Finn pressed a kiss onto Poe’s shoulder. “But if that’s the way you feel, I’m afraid it’s going to have to be every man for himself.” Finn reached for his pants and shirt, smiling a bit at them. “This suit is a dead loss.”

“Too bad,” Poe said as he sat up, not looking sorry at all. “I liked that one.” He easily grabbed the tank top Finn threw at his head.

When they were walking lazily across the fields, hand in hand, Finn squeezed Poe’s. “Thank you for listening.”

“Well when you give such great incentive for listening…” Poe laughed when Finn bumped him in the shoulder. “We work when we talk, babe, even if it’s about something like sex. And next time this happens, because it’s not like our lives are getting any less hectic, we’ll talk about it before either one of us has a chance to get a complex, right?”

“Right,” Finn said, smiling and squeezing Poe’s hand again. He pulled Poe to a stop before they entered their mud room door, leaning in for a kiss. He coughed, wrinkling his nose. “Uh, we really need to take a shower.”

“How about a bath instead?” Poe suggested, eyes glittering.


	53. Meet My Husband - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Caleb come across a guest where he's not supposed to be in the Orchard.
> 
> Alternately, Baze and Chirrut visit Oregon.
> 
> This fic probably won't make any sense unless you've read Organa's Organics and As the Universe Wills It. Fair warning.
> 
> Additional smut scene at the end which appeared in Out of Time as chapter 42

Finn hiked Caleb up on his hip, watching the boy watch the summer birds flit between the trees in the orchard. Amelia was at the main house with Anne, confined to the house because of her cast, and probably cranky with it. They had had a heck of a time trying to keep Amelia off of her cast, let alone elevate and rest like she was supposed to. Not even the threat of doing permanent damage seemed to stop the seven year old - she had no idea of permanence, not really, after all.

It was Caleb’s first summer with them, too. The adoption had been finalized in early June, just after Caleb’s birthday. He still liked to stick close to Finn’s side, and that was okay by Finn, he thought, as he snuggled Caleb closer to him. They were headed to market - it had kind of been the perfect storm of crappiness that left Poe shorthanded (Snap and Elisa and Luis  _ all _ had the flu) and their normal daycare closed (the flu had really hit the area hard). Finn had sacrificed a sick day of his own to stay and try to help wherever he could, and right now, Amelia was all Anne could handle, Meghan was at art camp, and that left Caleb to Finn. Again, not that Finn minded.

He let Caleb down to run through the orchard - god, but the boy could really fly - and watched his little legs toddle off at a speed he’d never thought humanly possible when the human was only three feet tall.

Finn lost track of Caleb for a second, but didn’t worry, at least not until he heard a crash and Caleb’s loud cry. “Caleb?” he called, trying not to panic -   _ no, no, no we do  _ not _ need another kid in a cast, no _ -

“You must learn to watch where you’re going, kid,” Finn heard a deep voice say, and his panic ratcheted up further. He finally rounded a huge pine, one that should have been cut years ago for a Christmas tree, and then paused at the sight before him.

Caleb was sprawled out on the ground, knee scrapped, but no longer looking upset. Instead, he was looking up in fascination at the stranger. Finn rushed over, kneeling to check Caleb, and put together in a rush between the white cane and the perfect blue of the stranger’s eyes, that he was blind. “You okay, sweetie?”

“Uh huh, Papi.”

“I think they tripped over my cane. Sorry, kid. Chirrut Imwe.” The stranger - Chirrut - held out his hand.

Finn took it and gave his standard lawyer shake, got a firm return on it. “Finn Smith. Sorry, guests aren’t supposed to wander back here. Farm equipment, you know.”  _ Plus the fact that my kids  _ live _ here, buddy. _

“My apologies, sincerely. The market was a little too crowded for me to navigate safely, so I left my husband behind.” Chirrut’s eyebrow raised a little at the word husband, as if he expected a challenge from Finn.

“I should probably go help  _ my _ husband, then. He’s the manager here.” Finn pulled Caleb up to his feet. “I can show you the way back, to someplace a little safer to wander?”

Chirrut shrugged. “I can find my way back. I think I know your husband. Poe? Leia’s told me about him.”

“You know Leia?”

“My mom and her were friends back in the hippy days in Seattle, before my mom settled down and had me, or had me and settled down, who knows, hard to tell. Personally I think it’s the latter, but she always tells it as the former. Leia and Han came to visit us from time to time.” Despite telling Finn he could find his way back, the blind man fell into Finn’s pace easily.

Finn let Caleb - apparently no longer shook up by the fall - run ahead again. “Do you still live in Seattle? I’ve never been. Just to Tacoma.”

“Oh yes, I couldn’t see us living any place else. Although this looks like a nice place, here.” Chirrut grinned at Finn, and Finn wasn’t sure how he was supposed to take the joke.

“Thanks. We try hard. Poe works hard. It’s- it’s our sanctuary.”

Chirrut looked disappointed that Finn hadn’t taken the bait to laugh, but then nodded consideringly. “For me and Baze, that’s our home. Everyone needs one place like that. A place where they can be themselves, totally.”

“I agree,” Finn murmured. He let the silence fall between them for the next few steps.

“Hey, maybe I can enlist your help. My husband is an artist. A potter. I’m trying to convince him to show  _ your _ husband his art, because I noticed you had some lovely pottery in the market, but I can promise you it’s not as good as my Baze’s.” Chirrut dug out his phone and unlocked it with a swipe, navigating easily to pictures. “Look at these. Beautiful, no?”

Finn accepted the phone, then coughed. “Um. These are pictures of- um-”

“Oh, swipe past those. Sometimes my Baze gets bored at home.”

Finn wasn’t sure his blush could get higher, but he did as instructed. “Hmm,” he murmured, swiping through beautiful flower pots. “They’re gorgeous.”

“Baze pays attention to detail, in  _ all _ parts of his life,” Chirrut replied with a wink. “His work is truly exceptional, but sadly he doesn’t tend to think so. It’s like he doesn’t believe me,” the man huffed with a smile.

They came to the road that would take them to the market, and Finn watched as Caleb chased a butterfly, laughing in delight. “Well, at least he’s not chasing bees anymore,” Finn muttered.

“He’s very energetic,” Chirrut commented.

“You have no idea,” Finn said with a laugh.

“Babe! There you are, I want you to meet- oh. Hey Chirrut.” Finn watched in astonishment as his husband, his  _ husband,  _ who he’d fucked to orgasm  _ twice _ last night, blushed at the sight of the older man. Finn was about to roll his eyes, then noticed that Poe had company, too. A tall, bear of a man, with unruly hair that somehow fit him to a T, piled on top and behind his head in various braids and pony tails. From his proportions, Finn thought that maybe, yes, it was entirely possible he’d seen this man’s dick not moments before. How do you start a conversation like that?

Chirrut nodded at Poe, then walked to the other man’s side. “Baze, this is Finn, Poe’s husband. Finn, my husband, Baze.” The pair seemed mismatched, and yet not, Finn mused, as their hands easily slid together. Looking at them, he could tell they’d been around each others bodies for years. And obviously still enjoyed them, if the pictures Finn had accidentally seen were a normal occurrence.

“Baze and I knew each other in the military a bit. Had a tiny overlap,” Poe explained as he took Finn’s hand, and they continued to walk toward the market. “He’s interested in helping me with my veteran program.”

Finn watched Chirrut’s gaze look sharply over at his husband’s face. “Really? Great! Did, um, did he mention his pottery?” Finn asked, feeling compelled to help Chirrut out.

“Pottery?”

They continued to walk toward the market, hashing out details.

\--------------------

_ I _ t wasn’t until much later, after the kids were abed, that Finn managed to corner Poe against the counter in the kitchen. “You know, baby, you have never once given me cause to be jealous until today.”

A blush tinged over Poe’s cheeks. “Oh?”

Finn trailed his hand over Poe’s chest. “You know what I’m talking about. Chirrut.”

Poe leaned forward, burying his face in Finn’s shirt. “Okay so maybe his mom brought him by a couple of times in the summer when we were here and he was so  _ cool _ and  _ older _ and  those _eyes,_ oh my god, did you see them? Pretty sure he was my first solid crush. And he is still. Um. Very good looking.”

Finn chuckled and kissed Poe’s curls. “You are  _ adorable .” _

Poe looked back up at him. “You’re not actually jealous.”

“Of course not. He’s hot. I mean, not like me,” and Finn couldn’t keep a straight face.

“You  _ are _ hot, buddy, believe me.”

“I mean, of course if you’re going to crush on someone you chose a guy who looks like he stepped out of a martial arts ring. Meanwhile, I’m over here with Darcy. Darcy feels wimpy, now.”

“He actually does martial arts,” Poe said, voice strained. “I’ve been up to Seattle to see one of his competitions before. And oh my god, I’m just realizing that he might actually be the first person who turned me on by being dominating. Not me,” he hurried to fill in. “But at that tournament. Shit. This is embarrassing.”

“Nah, it’s sweet. I’d be worried, except.” Finn took his left hand and covered Poe’s with it, letting their rings slide together. “And also, I think Baze could bench press you. Probably both of us.”

Poe smiled. “That’s not helping my domination fantasy, baby.”

“Oh yeah? Well, then, let’s just go take care of that. Dishes can wait for morning.”

Poe grinned back, taking Finn’s hand and letting Finn lead him up the stairs.

At the top, Finn pinned Poe's hands at the small of his back, and nipped lightly under Poe's ear. "Color?"

"Green," Poe sighed out.

Finn nudged Poe forward into their bedroom, then turned to shut and lock the door. "You going to be good for me, Poe?"

"Yes-"

God, he already sounded so  _ gone, _ like he'd been thinking about this all day, or at least since he’d seen Chirrut. Finn’s blood lit up with it. “Need to be quiet, too,” he whispered in Poe’s ear, still holding his wrists behind him. “Going to be quiet for me?” 

Poe nodded, whimpering a little. 

Finn found one of their silk ties and used it to bind Poe’s hands completely behind his back, checking with Poe that he could get out if he needed to. Still behind Poe, somehow liking the idea of staying behind Poe, he twisted Poe’s head toward his and took his mouth. His hands ran over Poe’s stomach, over his pecs, tweaking at his nipples and sliding below his waistband to tease. Poe arched against his hands, seeking more, but Finn didn’t admonish him. He wanted Poe desperate, all of a sudden. Wanted Poe unable to hold anything back because he needed it so much. 

He worked Poe’s button up open, let it hang loosely at his sides, and continued his work on Poe’s chest, on Poe’s mouth. Easy to keep Poe quiet if he never let Poe’s mouth leave his. Finn grew heady with power at the sight of Poe’s dazed eyes. They didn’t indulge in this kind of thing often, but when they did -  _ Fuck. _

Finn worked Poe’s pants and boxers down and off, helping Poe kick them away when Poe proved too weak in the knees to do it by himself. “I’ve got you, baby,” he murmured, and Poe positively melted in his arms. 

He maneuvered Poe to the bed, felt the quickening of Poe’s pulse at Finn’s show of force. He pushed Poe’s chest down onto the covers, but left his hips up, his beautiful ass facing Finn, round and delectable, his hands still tied resting just above, at the base of his spine. Finn laid down beside Poe, swiping some sweaty curls away from his face. “Color?”

“Green,” he said with a nod to go on. 

“Do you want a gag, or do you think you can stay quiet all by yourself?” 

Poe’s back arched as he whimpered. “Gag.” 

Finn kissed Poe, a little awkwardly from the angle, but pleasurable all the same. He retrieved another tie and tied it gently around to cover Poe’s mouth. “Beautiful,” he murmured, placing a kiss over it. 

He moved back, caressing over Poe’s ass, spreading it open to see Poe’s hole winking at him. He grinned, taking his time, rubbing over Poe’s perineum and massaging his balls. Poe’s cock was flush and leaking, swinging between his legs, but Finn didn’t touch it, kept Poe on the edge with maddening teasing touches elsewhere. 

When his own cock was straining against his pants, Finn left Poe with one last kiss to that beautiful ass and got naked himself. He grabbed the lube, and began the process of working Poe up, down, and sideways all over again, this time slipping fingers deep inside and crooking until Poe was arching with need beneath him. Poe turned his head, and Finn’s gaze sharpened, looking for their non-verbal signal, but none came. All he saw was Poe’s eyes, desperate and begging, and Christ, if that didn’t fill Finn with satisfaction. 

“You’re so good, Poe,” Finn murmured, continuing to tease into and around Poe’s hole, preparing him as much as keeping him on edge. 

When Finn finally decided to sink into Poe, all the way down, they both let out sighs of relief. Finn thrust fully into Poe, over and over, leaning down to kiss between Poe’s shoulderblades and whisper in his ear. Beneath him, Poe was desperate and needy, exactly how Finn wanted him, pressing his hips back to chase Finn’s cock, chase their orgasms down. 

With a cry he muffled against the skin of Poe’s back, Finn came, filling Poe up, thrusting still, trying to nail Poe’s prostate. Poe’s moan was muffled by the gag, and the bedspread, as he pressed his face into the sheets and came. 

Poe’s back was still shuddering, laboring under heavy breaths, when Finn rolled them to the side and began to undo the ties. He massaged up Poe’s arms and kissed his newly freed lips, and held him tight, murmuring how good he was. 

“What do you want now?” he murmured into Poe’s ear when their heartbeats had slowed just a little. 

“Mmm. Shower. Sleep.” 

Finn kissed Poe’s forehead, grateful for his husband as ever. A man who could run the whole world, but wasn’t afraid of letting Finn take the reins like this every once and awhile. Normally they weren’t so intense, but that was okay, too. They were experts at giving each other what they needed. 

He pulled the sleepy Poe up into his arms, then worked him toward their master bathroom, an arm around his waist, his lips near Poe’s ear, telling him how much he loved him. 

 


	54. Origin Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe introduces his first "foster vet" to Organa's...the place where you can find peace.
> 
> Tags: PTSD, previous suicide attempt

“I thought you might want to get settled in, first, or we could take a tour of the farm right now.” Poe Dameron opened the unlocked door of the small cottage, and gestured for Chris to follow. “It’s a small place, I know. Hell of a lot bigger than a bunk, though, right?”

Chris nodded quietly, stepping inside the structure and breathing in the smell of fresh construction - paint and wood and glue. “That’s for sure.”

“It’s actually designed off of the farm manager’s cottage I used to live in, which is Snap and Elisa’s place now. Finn and I needed more room, but you’ve seen our place.”

Chris had done his final interview with Poe and his husband Finn in their comfortable living room.  _ “We just wanted to be sure it’s a good fit for you and us, _ ” Poe had explained about the whole process. It was more than a job Poe was offering, and Chris knew it. Poe was offering him a chance. That chance, though, came with some strings - like assuring Poe and Finn that he was absolutely okay with all parts of the LGBTQIA+ community as well as the myriad of racial backgrounds present on the farm.    _ “Makes sense. You need to protect your own,”  _ Chris had replied when they’d told him about their daughter.  _ “I ain’t got no problem with that. To each their own.”  _ Chris had winced when his Texan drawl came out strong - it’s not like Texas was stereotyped for its tolerance - but Finn had looked reassured, and nodded at Poe.

So, after the application, pressed on him by his counselor, and the interviews, here he was. And he was skeptical, but there was also this tiny kernel of hope in his heart that this could be the key. The key to moving beyond surviving, to really living.

\---------------------------

_ Poe had nothing with him except the civilian clothes on his back and his father’s beat up guitar case. Inside the case, besides the guitar, was one framed photo. They were the only things he’d elected to keep from his parent’s tiny temporary apartment in Pendleton (though he'd be grateful for the cardboard box Leia handed to him years later, collected by a neighbor. His abuela's bible had been there, and now he cherished it). He locked the place up, figuring the landlord could sell whatever he wanted in order to recoup some money. Poe was never setting foot in this place again. It's not like it was home. Nowhere was home. He tipped the cowboy hat back on his head - his buzz cut just seemed a little too obvious to him, and he didn’t want to draw questions - and walked down the road, thumb out. _

_ He wandered for awhile, along the I-5 corridor, staying mostly to cities, but he found he was being called to the farm, couldn’t stay away, and not long after that thought was planted, he was walking up the driveway to a surprised and happy Leia. He was passing through, he explained, and could he stay for a night? Leia had smiled at him knowingly and swept him into a hug. _

_ \--------------------------- _

Poe had moved away from Chris, into a short hallway, and was explaining something that got lost in the sudden ringing of Chris’ right ear. Chris winced, annoyed, and moved closer. The tinnitus didn’t hurt, it just made it impossible to hear sometimes. He was partially deaf on the left, with the tinnitus in the right.  On the VA’s schedule, he’d have have his aides some time next century. His therapist had already planted the suggestion that Chris start to learn sign language, but he was resistant, used other methods to cope. “Sorry, Poe," he said, when the ringing stopped.  "I didn’t catch that.”

Poe cleared his throat, cheeks pinkening, and Chris figured he was upset at himself for forgetting about Chris’ situation. He’d noticed that often enough now. It was nicer than when people got annoyed at Chris when he couldn’t hear. “Right, sorry,” Poe said, moving subtly to Chris’ right, and repeating himself. “There’s three bedrooms back here. Eventually I’d love to have a full house, but well, starting off small seemed right. So you’re going to be our guinea pig.”

“No pressure,” Chris responded, breathing out a small laugh.

“No pressure,” Poe agreed, smiling. “Take whichever room you like, you have run of the house obviously. Personally, I like the east bedroom, it faces the morning sun and the fields. Then again, I’m a sucker for sunsets on my porch swing.” Poe’s cheeks went pink again, and he laughed a little. “Sorry, my husband will tell you I’m too cheesy.”

“It’s nice.”

“So, do you want time, or a tour?”

“Might as well get the tour. See what I’m going to be doing.”

“Initiative. I like that, Chris.” Poe placed his cowboy hat back on his head and strode for the door. Chris found his beat-up Astros cap in his knapsack and followed him out into the warm October day.

“You can use one of the farm trucks to get to appointments. You’ve got therapy this week, right?” Poe handed him a ring of keys, moving on before Chris could answer. “We don’t much lock doors around here, but everyone should have the choice if they want.” Chris pocketed them as Poe got a worried look on his face. "Maybe we should install one of those light-doorbell systems. Just in case."

"You don't have to do that just for me."

"Why not? This is your home, you should have what you need to make it work correctly." Chris nodded, because he could tell he wasn't going to win the argument. "You saw the main house when we walked in.  This is the path to my property, we try to keep visitors out of this area but you’ll see my kids use it quite a bit. I’m hoping you’ll feel up to dinner tonight?  I’d love for you to meet everyone.”

Chris nodded. He felt like he should be saying more, but he honestly didn’t know what to say.

Poe seemed content to keep going, though. He took Chris through the barn and stable, where Chris met the farm horses. “Rescues, too.” Chris looked at Poe in surprise, and the farmer smiled in response. “You’re not the first person to seek peace at Organa’s, and I doubt you’ll be the last. Me. Snap. Finn. Our kids. Hell, even my cat.” Poe laughed and Chris found himself joining him.

\-------------------

_ “What the hell, man.” Even over the phone, Poe could tell Snap’s voice was teasing. “You dropped off the face of the Earth.” _

_ “Yeah, well, less than honorable discharge and all that.” _

_ “You know we all thought that was complete BS, right?” _

_ Poe was silent for a second. He hadn’t heard from any of his old squadmates, not that he’d made himself easy to find. He hadn’t wanted to see their disappointment or worse, disgust. “I guess I didn’t know that.” _

_ He heard Snap sigh over the connection. “Man, I tried to find you after I was- after I got sent home.” Poe could almost hear the unspoken ‘I needed you.’  “Then, bam, you show up in the Oregonian in an article about farming.” _

_ “What are you doing reading the Oregonian?” _

_ “Passing through. Looking for work. You know the deal.” _

_ “I sure do, buddy. We should grab a bite to eat - are you anywhere near Salem?” _

_ “I could be, man. Give me a day.” _

_ “How about one better - I’ll come pick you up, and bring you back to the farm. Harvest season’s just picking up, if you’re not picky about where you get your pay.” _

_ “Why the fuck would I be picky about a job?” _

_ Poe laughed, then took down Snap’s info, feeling lighter than he had in ages. _

_ \-------------------------------- _

They found Snap in one of the sheds, doing post-harvest, pre-winter prep. “For the most part, you’re going to work under Snap’s direction. He’s got more of a handle on the day-to-day labor needs, I’m more big-picture. That doesn’t mean you won’t see me in the field pulling weeds. Just means I get to do the shit work, like dealing with the bank, and the accountant, and the organic licensing board.”

Chris laughed at Poe’s definition of shit work, but Snap simply shook his head. “Better you than me, buddy,” he said mock-mournfully, slapping Poe on the shoulder. He turned to Chris. “Hey, you’re always welcome to eat with ‘Lis and Luis and I. I know how small and lonely that cottage can be.”

“Where is Elisa?” Poe asked.

“Picking up Luis from some abuela time.”

Poe grinned. "Oh, and how did abuela take the news?"

"Fucking ecstatic, I almost feel bad for Luis. He's going to have quite the stiff competition. My wife and I are expecting a daughter," he filled in for Chris. "She'll be the first granddaughter in the family, so quite a few people are excited." Snap's face went soft, and he smiled.

\-----------------

_ “You should ask her out.” Poe tilted his head none-so-subtly to the waitress Snap had been making eyes at forever. _

_ “Dude, she’s got to be like, 21.” _

_ “So? You’re only 29, it’s not like you’re old enough to be her dad or anything.” _

_ “I feel old enough.” Snap watched her skirt around the tables deftly. His hand clenched as he saw someone who  _ was  _ old enough to be her dad pat her on the butt, but she wasn’t a damsel in distress. She slapped at the hand with a stern look on her face, and Snap didn’t hear what she said to the guy, but the old coot went pink around the ears and looked at the floor. Good for her. _

_ She finally made her way to their table, then surprised Snap by taking a seat by Poe and looking him in the eyes. “You guys hiring out at Leia’s place?” _

_ Poe sat up a little straighter. “We’re about to start, yeah.” _

_ “I’m hardworking, dependable, and tired of putting up with sexist shit. I’ve got customer service experience. Put me in the market. Put me in the fields. Just get me out of here.” _

_ Poe flicked a glance at Snap, and smiled. “Well, that’s a pretty good resume. When’s your next day off?” _

_ “Tuesday.” _

_ “Perfect. Bring a real resume to the farm Tuesday morning, 7am. We’ll do a little on-the-job interview.” Poe held out his hand. “Poe Dameron, farm manager. This is Snap Wexley, my right-hand man.” _

_ The waitress held out her hand and gripped Poe’s firmly. “Elisa Cisneros. Thank you for the opportunity, Mr. Dameron.” _

_ \-------------------------------- _

“Cassie!” Poe called to a  woman, bent over and banging away at some piping.

She stood up straight, and Chris realized she was barely taller than the waterpipe wheel. “Hi, Cassandra Calrissian.” She held out a hand covered in a beat up leather glove.

He nodded his head and caught it, shaking. “Chris Lawrence.”

“When we crossed over the lane, we crossed onto Calrissian land. And Cassie has plans.”

Cassie’s face broke into a sunny smile. “Oh, big ones. We had a great season. I’ll be starting to experiment with brews this winter, and I’m hoping for a release party of our first bottling to coincide with the Fourth of July.”

“We like to share resources, so you might get asked to work here as well. And you’ll see Leia here a lot.”

“And Ben,” Cassie piped up.

“Right,” Poe said, his voice tighter than before, but not unfriendly. “Ben Solo, Leia’s son. He visits Cassie a lot.” Poe wiggled his eyebrows at Cassie, and she punched him in the arm. Chris winced - it looked like she packed a punch. He filed that away for the future.

\-------------------------

_ “I’ve never enjoyed working the land, I’m not my mom,” Ben started, and Cassie rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand, dragging him outside. _

_ “Doesn’t matter. That’s what Poe likes to do. So you’re going to go hang out with him where he’s comfortable and maybe he’ll consent to being your friend again.” _

_ “You shouldn’t be forcing us to be friends, Cass.” _

_ “Oh my god, that mopey face. I can’t stand it.” She stood in front of him, so small yet the farthest thing from the definition of delicate Ben had ever seen. She was fierce when she grabbed into his shirt. “You owe Poe this.” _

_ He looked away from her intense eyes. “I know.” _

_ “Okay, then,” and she was handling him again, turning him around and pushing him across her yard, “go!” _

_ He found Poe in the Market Building office, tugging on his curls over some paperwork. When he glanced up, Ben swore he saw relief in Poe’s eyes. “Ready for our play date?” _

_ “If you’re busy…” _

_ “Like Cassie or Finn would let me skip. Besides, I need a break from all of this.” He gestured to the paperwork. “How would you feel about going for a ride? You still remember how?” Poe’s voice was a challenge. _

_ “Of course.” _

_ The silence as they readied BB-8 and R2 fell somewhere between awkward and companionable. Soon they were mounted, riding the trail along the irrigation ditch. With little prompting, Ben got Poe to explain what his plans for the land were. _

_ After a little while they paused, taking in the view. Ben took a deep breath, then just decided to go for it. “I know… I know it can’t even come close to being enough, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a shitty teenager, an even shittier friend. I’m sorry for shunning you, and Leia, and rejecting everything. I’m sorry for attacking Finn.” Poe was silent, the look on his face thoughtful. “I’m glad the land is in good hands, in your hands. It was never mine.” _

_ Poe’s look changed to sympathy. “It may not be yours but it’s here for you anyway. That’s what Organa’s is here for.” _

_ Ben met his eyes. “I wish I’d understood that earlier.” _

_ \------------------------------------ _

Outside the main house, they found Leia rolling up hose for winter. After a brief introduction, Poe led Chris inside. He’d barely opened the door before a small blur was wrapped around his legs. “C’mere, buddy,” Poe grunted, lifting the blur - a toddler, Chris supposed - up to eye level and settling him on his hip. “Caleb, meet Chris, Chris, Caleb.” Apparently attacked by sudden shyness, Caleb buried his head in Poe’s chest, then peeked at Chris from behind a mop of brown curls. The barest smile showed on his face.

Chris hadn’t been around a lot of kids before. He was the youngest of two, and his sister hadn’t had any kids, before… before. “Um, hi.” He tried a little wave.

He heard muffled talking from behind him and turned to see an older woman coming down the hallway. She approached them, smiling, and Poe shifted Caleb over to her arms, kissing the woman on the cheek in the process. “My mother-in-law, Anne.”

“Nan!” Caleb corrected his father, and Anne and Poe laughed. Chris wondered if it was like this all the time, this perfect world. He felt like he was intruding in a place where everyone had found their happy endings. His heartbeat kicked up a bit and he took a deep breath, annoyed at himself.

“Ma’am.” He nodded, licking his lips, a nervous habit.

“Oh, how polite. Southern boy?” Anne was rocking Caleb on her hip, and the boy’s head lay on her shoulder.

“Yes, ma’am. Texas. Ranch outside Houston.”

“Wonderful! Atlanta, myself. So you’ll be used to the work, then?”

“Well, as much as I can, I suppose, though I’m not sure how many similarities there are between a cattle ranch and an organic farm, ma'am.”

Anne laughed, which made Caleb smile, which really made Chris feel even more like an intruder. “Well, Chris, you’re welcome to join Leia and I for dinner any night. Or tea, if you don’t mind hanging out with a couple of old ladies.”

Chris nodded, starting to feel overwhelmed. “Uh, ma’am, Poe,” he paused awkwardly before adding, “Caleb. I beg your pardon, but I need to…” Chris was struggling with keeping the grips on his Southern manners. The house felt stuffy, and he needed to get outside. He gestured to the door.

“Of course. I’ll be right out.” Poe opened the front door for him, and as Chris made his escape, he saw Poe lean down to kiss Caleb’s cheek.

He walked, and kept walking, and realized that was a benefit of the farm - there was a lot of open ground to cover.

\-------------

_ “Well, you’re just gorgeous, aren’t you?” Poe ran his hand down the horse’s nose. The horse preened and shook her head, as if she knew exactly how gorgeous she was. Poe looked up above the stall. “Beatrice Belle, huh?” _

_ “Hey, you’re not supposed to be back here!” The loud voice had the horse shying away from Poe, heading back in the stall as quickly as possible, and it broke Poe’s heart. _

_ “Yeah, and your horse isn’t supposed to be afraid of your voice, either.” _

_ The man spat on the ground. “She ain’t worth nothing, anyway. Just what she deserves.” _

_ Poe’s fist clenched, but he wouldn’t throw the punch. “Then you won’t mind selling her to me.” _

_ “You’re one of them bleeding hearts, ain’t you? Fine,” he said, grinning malevolently, and named an outrageous price. _

_ Despite being shorter than the man, Poe crowded him against a wall. “Interesting price. You know what else is interesting?  I’ve got the sheriff department on speed dial. Think they’d find any evidence of animal abuse?” _

_ The man’s eyes widened, then glared. _

_ Five minutes later, Poe pulled out his phone. “Yeah, I got her. Tell Snap to bring the horse trailer.” _

_ \--------------------------------------- _

Chris paused at the horse pasture, watching the beautiful white and brown horse - he thought he remembered Poe calling it BB-8 - munch on grass. He thought he was calm, but he jumped when Poe appeared suddenly on his bad side.

“Sorry, Chris. I’ll work on that,” Poe said apologetically, moving deftly to the good side.

Chris shook his head, waving the apology away.

“I’m not licensed and I know you have a therapist, I’ve just been taking some classes in anticipation of this program, but I’m here, Chris, if you need to talk right away.”

Chris rolled the idea around in his mind. It felt too soon. But being able to talk to Poe was the point of being here - he’d been ready to leave the hospital, but everyone had agreed he wasn’t ready to live on his own yet. This was a...a transition. He needed to trust Poe if he was going to get beyond the farm. “It’s too good. Everything here. It’s like...everything is too good for me.”

“I...you know I’ve seen your file, because you had to sign something to allow me to see it.”

Chris nodded, looking away from Poe. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell a lot of people about the…” He stopped himself from saying ‘incident.’ “About my attempt.”

“If your team didn’t think you could handle yourself here, they wouldn’t have recommended it, Chris. You deserve to be here.”

They lapsed into silence. When Chris glanced back at Poe, he realized the older man had a faraway look in his eyes, but soon shook his head to clear it. “Sorry. Memories.”

“Good ones, I hope,” Chris said quietly.

“Most of the time, Chris. Not always. It’s okay when they’re not, though, okay?”

He was surprised to hear Poe admit that, even with this idyllic life, he had bad thoughts, and said as much out loud.

“I don’t think it goes away. It gets so, so much better, Chris, I promise. But the trick is remembering it doesn’t go away.” When Chris continued to stare at the horse, Poe smiled at him. “Hey, you’re still with me, right? I promise, it’s going to work.”

“Y’all are so nice, I don’t know how it couldn’t.” He turned away from the fence, but then laid a hand on Poe’s arm. “Poe, I want you know, I’m not going to try again. It probably says that in my file. But I’m definite about that now. I may be practically deaf at 25, but I want to see 26. And 27. And 90.”

“And you know how you get there?”

“One day at a time,” Chris murmured.

\---------------------

_ The Volkswagen bus rattled as Leia drove up the dirt road. A run down farm house and 10 acres. All hers. _

_ “You’re insane, Leia.” _

_ Leia shoved the clutch into neutral and arched a brow across the seat at the stupidly charming man. “Nothing’s making you stay, Han.” _

_ “We both know that’s a lie.” _

_ “You can join Bach back on the road, or you can help me. Make a choice.” She put enough challenge in her voice to turn him on, not turn him away. She knew how to work Han. _

_ She got out of the van, striding toward the house. 10...9...8...7… she counted. At 6, she heard the slam of the door on the other side. She tossed a look over her shoulder, a small smile and an arched brow. Han shook his head in defeat, and followed her into the house. _


	55. Dinner with the Smith Damerons - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared as chapter 2 of Origin Stories
> 
> Before I reformatted the previous chapter, it included this dinner scene, and I just thought it was something cute that people might enjoy.

It hadn’t been a coincidence that everyone had invited Chris to eat with them - it had been designed as part of the program, Chris knew. He had the right, of course, to eat alone if he wanted, but he took up Poe on the offer that very first night.

Eating with the Smith-Damerons had been chaotic, but at least his ears muffled some of the sound as he watched the flurry of activity around the dinner table. As soon as he’d been let in the house -  _ “Oh, you don’t need to knock, Chris, it’s okay,” Finn had said, trying to keep Caleb’s dirty hands from touching his nice suit as he carried the boy  _ \- and introduced to the youngest daughter, Amelia, she’d ushered him into the dining room to make sure he took the spot right next to her. 

“You don’t want to sit on the other side, Chris,” she whispered conspiratorially. “Caleb makes a mess.”

She sat beside him, then looked up at him expectantly. He had no idea what she was waiting for. “Uh. What grade are you in?”

“Second. My teacher’s name is Miss Shana. She said we could call her that even though it’s not her last name.”

“That’s...nice.” She was looking at him again. Nervously, Chris glanced around, looking for Finn or Poe. Instead, his gaze rested on a teenager, the one they’d told her about. “Uh, hi. I’m Chris.”

“Hey. Meghan,” she said, cautiously, staying at the edge of the room. “Amelia’s not the best at talking to strangers, but our Dads asked her to make you feel welcome.”

“Meggy, you weren’t supposed to tell. Maybe. Probably.” Amelia’s face scrunched up in adorable confusion, and Chris smiled.

“It’s okay, I reckoned you were the welcoming committee. I’m just not that good at talk.”

“Talk _ ing,”  _ Amelia corrected and Meghan rolled her eyes, sitting down at the end of the table and pulling out her phone.

“So, um, what do you learn in second grade?”

Amelia smiled at him. “Today we learned about the Oregon Trail. Did you know about that?”

“Yeah, I think I’ve heard of it.”

“Daddy said you came from Texas and that Texas is far away, does that mean you took the Oregon Trail to get here?”

It made Chris chuckle just a bit. “No, I came on a plane. A few years ago.” The disappointment on Amelia’s face made Chris laugh outright. “Sorry, kid.”

Chris saw Meghan glance up and smile, which meant he missed Finn coming into the dining area on his bad side in a rush, placing a much cleaner Caleb on the dining bench. “Jesus, what an evening to introduce you to the Smith-Damerons,” he said in Chris’ direction. “I’m so sorry!”

Chris’ eyes widened. “No problem. Is there something I can help with?” Chris started to push himself up from his chair.

“No, sit, sit,” Poe called as he carried in food - hamburger fixings, by the looks of it.

Finn and Poe settled on either side of Caleb, and despite having a toddler in between them who seemed to have six arms, Chris noticed something he’d seen when he came for the interview: the couple was always touching in some form or another. Right then, Finn was engaging Meghan in a conversation about school while Poe was leaned down, convincing Caleb to eat more hamburger, just two more bites if he wanted more fruit, and Finn’s hand was resting on Poe’s back. It was so obvious they were a unit, a matched pair.

Suddenly, the ringing was back, and everything around the table was muffled heavily. He took a bite of burger, trying not to show any signs of distress outwardly, but when his head came back up, he realized everyone around the table was staring at him, and then Poe was talking, and the ringing was still going on and Chris was setting his food down, preparing to push away from the table. Amelia's hand stopped him. She smiled, then popped a grape in her mouth. "You're okay," she mouthed. Or maybe, "It's okay." Chris wasn't great at lip reading yet.

The ringing lasted for another thirty seconds, and the sound came back in gradually, like someone had turned up the volume slowly. He took a deep breath. He felt the need to apologize, but could already hear his therapist in his ear, telling him he didn't need to. "Great burger," he said instead, indicating that he was back in the land of the hearing.

After dinner, when Poe was taking care of Caleb, Finn pulled Chris aside. "Can I ask a question about your hearing?"

"Yeah, that's fine," Chris shrugged.

"Poe said aides would help - is it a monetary issue?"

Chris snorted. "No, the government has plenty of money." Chris did a quick check to see if the girls were out of earshot. "It's a "VA can't get their heads out of their asses" issue."

Finn looked concerned. "Listen, I have some contacts... I'd like to help, even if it's just going in to the VA in my fancy lawyer suit and scaring them into action."

"That would be...amazing," Chris admitted, and Finn smiled at him, before shooing Amelia off for her insulin.

Later that night, as he settled into the strange bed, he realized that he'd enjoyed himself. And when he rotated through the households, he never felt like a guest. More like everyone always had room for one more family member at the table.


	56. YOU ARE BABE - Rated M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February Fic Challenge Day 14: Valentine's Day
> 
> Also directly inspired by these hilarious AI generated heart candy messages (including the NSFW ones) http://aiweirdness.com/post/170685749687/candy-heart-messages-written-by-a-neural-network

Finn snorted, looking down at his phone, momentarily distracted from his paperwork. Poe had simply sent a picture of one of those chalky candy hearts with the message "YOU ARE BABE" on it. It looked computer generated.

 **Finn:** No, you are, although not so great at the English apparently :P

Poe was suspiciously silent back, even though the little tag turned over to “read.” Finn shook his head, his lips tipped up in a smile. Poe gave extremely good text, even though he managed basically no other social media, the Luddite. Texting - and sexting - had gotten their relationship through Finn’s law degree, and now, even though he’d see Poe in a matter of hours, they still stopped to text several times a day. Besides, when they got home, there’d be the chaos of children and dinner and bedtimes, even if it was Valentine’s Day. When it fell on a week day, there wasn’t much either Poe or Finn could do about it, except plan for something later in the week (in this case, they had plans for a dinner and movie on Friday).

But it seemed Poe still wanted to acknowledge the day.

 **Poe:** (HEART ME)

 **Finn:** I do, babe  <3

 **Finn:** I’m heading into a meeting, off my phone for an hour or so, okay?

 **Poe:** (AM GOOD)

Finn laughed again, figuring out Poe’s game.

 

Or maybe he didn’t, because the string of texts waiting for him when he got back were… more than a little confusing.

 **Poe:** (FANG)

 **Poe:** (COOL CUD)

 **Poe:** (LOVE 2000 HOGS YEA)

 **Poe:** (TEAM BEAR)

 **Finn:** What……?????????????

 **Finn:** Team bear? That’s not what you told me…

Finn pictured Poe, stuck in his office doing paperwork because of the weather, and snickering over his phone. His weird, adorable husband.

 **Finn** : I love you.

 **Poe:** (STANK LOVE)

 

Poe left him alone for awhile after that, probably getting his head down into his paperwork the same way Finn did. A few hours later, though, after lunch:

 **Poe:** (HOLE)

 **Poe:** (Sweet Hole)

 **Poe:** (WET MINE)

 **Finn:** OMG where are you even finding these

 **Poe:** (DOOOO ME)

 

Suddenly, his phone rang in his hands, and an image of he and Poe, dressed for their anniversary, popped up. “You are ri _dic_ ulous, Mr. Dameron.”

All he could hear on the other side of the line was Poe’s giggling.

“I’m _not_ doing that at work,” Finn said, all censure, even though he was smiling.

“No-” Poe gasped for air, and cackled again. “No, god, yeah, sorry. I know I went too far. But oh man, I wish I could have seen your face!”

Finn couldn’t help but laugh with him. He’d kept Finn smiling all day, after all. “My cheeks are so hot right now,” he murmured.

“Oh really? Because I have more! And they get _worse.”_

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but...how? How could they _possibly_ get worse? Where did they even come from?”

“I don’t know, something Elisa sent me. You ready?”

“Oh god.”

Poe just laughed and hung up.

Immediately, he had another string of texts.

 **Poe:** (TIME 2 WANK)

 **Poe:** (SWEET POLE)

 **Poe:** (ANL LOVE)

 **Finn:** !!!!!!!!!!

 **Finn:** NO

Again, when he picked up the phone, all he heard was Poe laughing. Full on, hearty laughs that made Finn’s insides all warm and fuzzy.

“So when-” Poe paused for a breath. “When are you coming home?”

“Oh? Why? You think you’re going to get some-” Finn double checked that the door to his office was shut, “Anal love?”

“Baby, you know I’m down for your sweet pole.”

Finn laughed hard enough that tears started welling in his eyes. “You want my sweet pole in your sweet hole, huh?”

“I mean, some people say the wording lacks romance, but who needs romance?”

“You are a goofball and I love you, and I’m hanging up _now_ so that I can get home at a reasonable hour and have dinner with my goofball of a husband and put the kids to bed and-”

“And then some of that stank love?”

“I’m hanging up now,” Finn repeated.

“Uh huh.”

“Seriously. Stop giggling.”

“Sure.”

“I’ll text you when I’m headed home.”

“Drive safe, I love you,” and Poe actually sounded serious, which made Finn’s heart swell.

“I will. I love you.”

When he’d finally hung up, Finn walked his phone out to his car and locked it inside, trusting neither himself nor Poe to not be distracted.


	57. Mix it up: Ben and Poe - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obviously this is about Ben and Poe interacting and talking. If that's not your jam, you might want to skip this one.

“Poe.”

“Ben.” Poe returned Ben’s cordial nod. “The place looks great.”

“That would mostly be Cassie,” Ben said, rubbing his neck and grinning.

“I know, I’ll find her and tell her,” Poe joked, and Ben laughed, leaning against the wall beside him and observing the scene.

It was the grand reopening of the brewery, finally, and the place was packed, standing room only. Cassie was in every corner, it seemed like, talking with everyone and passing out samples left and right.

“What’re you drinking?”

“The Organa’s marionberry-apple cider, and can I say, whoever you’re getting your marionberries from must be a master farmer.” Poe winked.

“Only the best ingredients here at Hando Brewing.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

It’d been a year since Amelia’s accident, a year since the cold war had been over, and Poe and Ben were still trying to find their way back, if there was a way back, to what they’d been. Some things couldn’t be repaired, Poe knew, but he’d also found in his incredibly old age now, that those things were few and far between. Hell, look at Finn and his dad. So he was trying, and Ben was trying, and it was still kind of awkward.

Poe clinked glasses with Ben, and looked at the portrait up above the bar. Han and Lando were clinking glasses themselves, and smiling down at the patrons of their brewery. Ben and Cassie had commissioned Meghan to paint it, which had just about sent the teen to the moon with happiness, being _paid_ to make _art._ _(It’s the_ coolest _thing, Dad!)._ Poe smiled at the memory.

Ben followed his gaze up to the portrait and turned somber. “Meghan did a great job.”

“I knew she was talented, but she really captured their hearts, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s- it’s really, really good. When we hung it - well. That’s when everything came together.”

“The Legacy.”

“I finally made good on it, I guess.”

Poe turned to Ben, serious. “You kidding? I’d say you exceeded expectations, buddy.”

“Only ‘cause the expectations were so incredibly low.”

“Oh, fuck that.”

“Poe-”

“No, seriously, fuck that. Fuck it all, you know?” Poe leaned his head back against the wall and looked at the ceiling for a second. “The other day, I made Meghan mad because I told her to text when she got to the movie theater, and so then of course, ‘I don’t trust her.’” He sighed. “My point being, teenagers are… well, they sure as hell aren’t adults, no matter how mature Meghan is.” He paused, let that sink in. “No matter how mature you and I thought we were back then.”

“What I said- what I did, Poe, being young isn’t an excuse, I don’t want you to think that-”

“No, but there’s a reason dictators start recruitment with the youth. And cult leaders. And assholes like Snoke.” Poe sighed again. “Listen, I’m just saying, maybe, maybe looking at it from that perspective will help us get past this whole awkward thing. Because it’s not like either of us are going anywhere anytime soon,” he said with a nod to Cassie, who was deep in conversation with Finn.

“I’ll drink to that,” Ben murmured. Then: “Thank you. Thank you for everything. For letting me have some years with my mom. For letting my mom still be a part of your family. Thank you.”

“Finn’s more generous than I am with forgiveness.”

“I’m never going to stop thanking you. And I don’t know how to stop asking for forgiveness. I’m always going to be the person who pushed you away, and attacked the love of your life.”

“I mean, you could, you know, not bring that up,” Poe replied with a sardonic twist of lips.

“But then how will I self-flagellate?” Ben joked back, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“Hey, you can self-flagellate all you want, I’m just telling you, I’m making the decision right now to not Poe-flagellate you anymore. I’m done, and moving on.”

“Therapy’s a hell of a thing, isn’t it?”

Poe smiled, and clinked glasses with Ben again. “Heck yeah it is. To therapy.”

“To therapy.”


	58. I swear it was an accident - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 6  
> 100% pure domesticity porn. This fluff is the good stuff, folks.  
> This takes place the summer before Meghan's senior year of high school. Amelia is 8 and Caleb is 4.

“I swear it was an accident, Poe.”

“Yeah, Daddy, an accident.”

Poe looked at the scene in the mud room, flabbergasted, as the love of his life and his two youngest children looked back at him with pleas in their eyes.

\---------------------

**5 hours earlier**

“I’m sorry I have to work at the farm today. Are you sure you still want to go, all by yourself?” Poe’s arms were circled comfortably around Finn’s waist as he stirred the eggs for breakfast.

“I’ll be fine.  _ We’ll  _ be fine. We’re just going to look at the animals, and maybe get some food…”

Finn felt Poe’s lips curve into a smile on the back of his neck. “You’re going to go on a ride, too. You know it.”

“Maybe. Anyway, it’s just the Polk County fair. It’s not like the Salem one or anything.”

“Yeah, and it’s just Amelia and Caleb. Not like they’re terrors.”

“Bite your tongue. They’re very well behaved when they’re among company.” Finn shifted, scooping eggs onto plates, and Poe released him.

“Oh right, it’s only at home that they’re terrors.”

Finn laughed, and Poe joined him. “Babe, they’re going to hear you.” He turned and poked Poe in the stomach. “Don’t tell me you’re still mad at them for this morning.”

Poe captured Finn’s poking hand, then pulled his husband into his arms, mouth a hair’s breadth away from Finn’s. “You looked so good this morning. God forbid I want to take the time to let you know that, on our anniversary and all.”

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s neck and closed the distance. “And I appreciate that, I really do. But our children aren’t terrors, and I’m going to be fine by myself, even if I will miss you, and-”

“And the toast is burning!” Poe leapt to rescue the toast as Finn doubled over in laughter, then dodged the blackened toast Poe launched his way.

“I think you’re the terror, Poe Dameron.”

Poe deftly deposited the salvageable toast on the plates, then turned so quickly he caught Finn off guard, circling his arms around his waist and lifting him off his feet. “I’ll show you a terror.”

“Ooo, do your worst.”

Poe’s mouth was open to respond, when Meghan came to the door. “Uh, guys? I’m just going to take these plates for the rest of us…” She grabbed three plates and left in a hurry.

Poe met Finn’s eyes, and they both burst into laughter. Poe set Finn back on the ground, and they met in a kiss again; when they parted, Finn ran a hand through Poe’s curls. “God, I love you. Happy fifth, baby.”

“Promise me we’ll still be embarrassing our children on our fiftieth wedding anniversary,” Poe murmured, eyes bright with mirth.

“Absolutely, babe, absolutely.”

“Daddy! If you don’t eat we can’t go to the fair!” Amelia’s shout was just a little too loud, edging toward bellow, and Poe and Finn winced.

“Terror,” Poe whispered, eyebrows raised.

Finn pushed him away playfully then picked up his plate. When he got to the doorway, he looked back over his shoulder and winked. It was going to be a good day.

\---------------

It would have been better with Poe, or Meghan, but before leaving, Finn had sat Amelia down and asked her to help him keep an eye on Caleb as any good big sister would. Amelia took him up on the task wholeheartedly.

And really, it was an amazing day, just the three of them. He spent a bunch of time watching them crawl all over the tractors - not like they couldn’t do that at home, but the fact that it was at the fair made it  _ special.  _ Amelia and Caleb cheered him on as he threw some baseballs to win them both a stuffed toy. They went through the animal sheds, where Amelia lingered at the 4-H bunny section. He and Poe had talked about getting Amelia a bunny when she could join 4-H as a fourth grader, but she had a while to go yet.  

“Hey, look, Ames, we could sponsor a bunny!” Finn showed Amelia the sign, asking for donations for the 4-H program. “What do you think, does it sound like a good cause to spend some sharing money on?” Amelia’s allowance was split three ways: spending money, saving money, and sharing money.

Amelia looked up at him with eyes the size of saucers. “I could help the bunnies?”

He smiled down at her, running a hand over her braids. “Yeah, shall we?” He was afraid her enthusiastic nod would break her neck. They filled out the paperwork, Finn kicking in a little more than Amelia actually had saved up for her sharing dollars, because he couldn’t deny Amelia this.

Finn wasn’t really sure exactly where he started to lose control, though he thought it was sometime after the bunnies. They’d hyped Amelia up, and she was playing this game where she’d run far away from Finn then run back. As long as she didn’t get too far, Finn didn’t mind her burning off her excess energy.

He tried to get them to watch one of the horse shows, thinking Amelia would be riveted, but she kept climbing around the bleachers with Caleb, and he kept getting glares from other parents, so he picked up Caleb and dragged Amelia out. “Let’s get some food!” he said brightly at their disappointed faces.

That opened up a big debate about what food to get; Caleb was going through a picky stage, and Amelia kept asking for things that would definitely blow her blood sugar out for the rest of the day, and Finn didn’t want to have to deal with that by himself. So, he made the executive decision to order ribs and corn from a stand.  He even managed to find them a place in the shade to sit, and for a brief, blissful moment, everyone was happy.

He could tell Caleb was heading toward cranky though, overstimulated and in need of a nap. Caleb was covered, somehow, in barbeque sauce. It was even in his hair. Finn didn’t need to ask how; he’d raised Amelia after all. Magical toddler physics. He started to wipe the worst of it off, and realized he didn’t have enough napkins to get the job done. “Hey, sweet pea, could you go get some more napkins?”

“Yeah Daddy!” she exclaimed, and ran off.

Caleb was starting to squirm, and Finn knew he’d only tolerate a little bit more of the scrubbing before he had a tantrum, so he was just stopping when he heard Amelia wail, “Daddy!” He turned, panicked, and his baby girl was stumbling toward him with blood running down her knee.

“Oh, honey, what happened?” Finn looked at the pile of used tissues in his hand, trying to think about where he’d seen the bathroom. Amelia was crying, holding out her palm so he could see she’d skinned that too.

“I f-f-f-fell.” Her face crumpled as Finn assessed the damage. Some dirt and gravel. He needed reinforcements.

Beside him, Caleb began to sympathy-cry. Yeah, he definitely needed reinforcements. Good thing they were only 15 minutes from home.

“Okay, sweet pea, you’re going to be okay, I know it hurts right now. We’re just going to go home and-” The prospect of going home made Caleb wail harder.

Amidst this chaos, someone tapped Finn on the shoulder. When he turned around, he was faced with a teenager holding a rabbit.

“Yo, man, I’m glad I found you. You left without your rabbit.”

“I...what?” Finn sputtered.

\---------------------

And that’s how Poe found them in the mudroom. Caleb, whose barbeque sauce seemed to have migrated everywhere, leaving him a sticky mess. Amelia, who had tear tracks on her face and a bloody knee, but the biggest smile he’d ever seen. Both of them had stuffed animals covered in barbeque sauce and blood.  At first, Poe thought Finn had another stuffed animal clutched to his chest, but then the Angora rabbit made a mad attempt to escape Finn’s arms, and he noted a look of desperation in Finn’s eyes.

“Which part exactly was the accident?” He said, trying to hold in his laughter at the pure exasperation on Finn’s face at his statement.

His husband glared, then thrust the rabbit out at him. “I was referring to this.” He stepped closer and muttered in Poe’s ear. “You try and tell Amelia that there’d been a mistake.” He passed the rabbit off to Poe. “Caleb and I are going to take a shower. Maybe you and Amelia can figure out what to do with her new pet.” Finn leaned over to pick up Caleb, then held him out in front of him like he was a ticking bomb. Caleb giggled in delight. “And there’s gravel in her knee.”

Poe snagged Finn as he walked by, brushing a kiss across his cheek. “I love you.”

“Uh huh,” Finn brushed off, but there was a small smile hovering around his mouth.

“There’ll be a beer waiting for you when you’re done with your shower.”

A genuine smile now. “Well then, I love you, too.” He walked out of the mud room.

Amelia tugged on his jeans. “Can I hold him, Daddy?”

Poe used his free hand to pull down the cat carrier they kept to take Buli to the vet, depositing the poor squirming rabbit inside. “Sure thing, nugget, just as soon as we’ve cleaned that knee up.”


	59. Hold You Up - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is based off of a prompt from Beautifullights, who asked for a fic based on "Why the hell are you bleeding?" and from Summersrage who asked for a fic of Finn bathing Poe, not necessarily in an erotic way, just taking care of Poe. There is a lot of talk of blood if that makes you squeamish, and Poe's time in Afghanistan is referenced, although it's not explicit. He's very obviously suffering some PTSD in this fic. This takes place in October of the 7th year of the universe, which means Poe is 40, Finn is 31, Meghan is 17 and just started her senior year of high school, Amelia is 8 in 3rd grade, and Caleb is 4 and not yet in Kindergarten. Also Snap and Elisa's second baby, Sophia, has been born and is now about 7 months old.
> 
> Tags: injury, blood, PTSD

Finn was whistling when he got out of the car. He’d had a good day securing the future of the Orozco family as citizens. Maria and Roberto would take the citizenship oath next month, and Finn would attend and attempt  _ not  _ to tear up, but he always did anyway. They’d invited him for their citizenship celebration after the ceremony, and Finn couldn’t wait to break the news to Caleb, who absolutely adored their little boy, Martín. A whole day to spend with Martín, stuffing their faces with tres leche cake and tamales and running around the yard until one - or both - of them inevitably threw up. Yes, fun times for all.

Even as he whistled, Finn was organizing the evening in his mind, already preparing dinner. His mind was a million miles away as he opened the mudroom door, and that’s why he almost ran into Poe, who was standing at the mudroom sink. Finn jumped, then smiled, expecting Poe to turn, but Poe just stayed there, and that’s when Finn noticed the blood on Poe’s clothes. It was spattered everywhere and it was too much to come from a simple injury. “Poe, why the hell are you bleeding?” Finn asked, which, he would reflect later, was a really asinine thing to say, but it was what his mind forced out at the moment. He crossed to Poe in a second, and noticed that Poe’s hands and arms were covered in blood too. He was staring blankly at the water running down the drain of the sink, but as far as Finn could tell, he wasn’t actually bleeding actively anywhere. Finn reached out to touch Poe’s shoulder tentatively. “Baby? What’s happened?” he asked gently, even though his heart was pounding. “The kids-”

Poe jerked, as if jerking back into himself, and quickly shook his head. “Everyone’s fine. The kids are fine. Everyone’s fine.” He continued to stare at the water.

“Okay, baby,” Finn said soothingly, his heart beat settling a little. “Can you follow me to the kitchen?”

“Going to get blood on the furniture.” Poe’s voice sounded so distant, and Finn’s heart broke. He took one of Poe’s hands in his.

“It’s okay, it cleans up.” Finn was grateful when Poe pulled away from the sink and allowed himself to be led to the breakfast table, where Finn gently urged him into a chair. He cupped Poe’s cheek and looked him in the eyes. Poe met his, but they were still distant. “I need to make a phone call, okay, Poe? And then I’ll be right back.” At Poe’s slight nod, Finn turned away, allowing the wave of anxiety to flow through him before tamping down on it again. He’d pay for that later. That didn’t matter right now. He walked out the front door, dialing Leia as he went.

“Finn, I was just about to call-” Leia started without preamble.

“What happened?” Finn interrupted.  _ Why does Poe look like someone died? _

“Snap got hurt on some farm equipment. He’s going to be okay. Elisa already took him off to the doctor. I’ve got the kids, except for Sophia, Elisa just decided to take her along. Poe asked if we could take Caleb and Amelia for a bit, which is fine of course, but I didn’t realize he’d slipped away and I was worried about him, so I was just about to call you. You have him?”

“He’s here.”  _ He came home.  _ “Do you mind watching the kids for a bit longer?”

“Of course not, Finn. Take care of him, okay?”

“I will.”

Poe was exactly where Finn had left him. He flinched a little when Finn leaned down to run a hand soothingly over his cheek and back into his curls. “Hey, Poe, baby, we’re going to get you cleaned up, okay?” Poe nodded, and Finn knelt to pull off Poe’s Romeos and socks. Then, he pulled Poe to his feet. He slowly worked Poe’s button down open and let it drop to the floor, then took Poe’s white undertank up over his head. The undressing was almost clinical, as Finn saw it. He just wanted to get Poe away from the blood as quickly as possible. 

Job done, he led the still-complacent Poe up the stairs and into the master bath.When Poe had been designing the house, he’d been particular about what he wanted here. Finn figured it was because of the years of tiny bathrooms or not having access to showers at all. Poe had insisted on one of those beautiful showers with multiple heads, even if they didn’t use the feature all of the time to conserve water. It was still nice for a lazy Sunday morning, or, in this case, for when Poe was shivering like he was in the snow without a coat. Finn started the water, running his hands briskly on Poe’s arms as he waited for it to heat.

“You’ll be warm soon, baby, okay? Warm and clean.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Poe looked down at his blood-covered hands and his skin turned a ghostly pale. Finn reached out to angle his chin back up.

“Uh uh. Focus up here. Focus on me. I love you, Poe. Everything’s fine. Everyone’s okay. Focus.” Finn hastily removed his own clothing and walked them into the spray. He lathered up his hands and quickly cleaned the blood off of Poe, while keeping up a constant stream of chatter to keep Poe focused on his face. When he’d gotten the blood off, he slowed down, turning Poe around and working his soapy hands over Poe’s back in a massage. He worked one knot at a time, placing a kiss where he felt Poe’s muscles relax below his fingers. He replaced the soap with shampoo and worked it through Poe’s curls, bringing them to a lather as he scratched and massaged Poe’s scalp. Poe groaned, leaning back into the feeling, his eyes closed. 

“You’re so good, Poe. You’re such a good provider for our family. Look at everything you help create. Look at everything you bring into the world on this farm. Look at every person and animal that gets rescued because of Organa’s. That’s you, Poe. You have maintained this safe haven for so long. Look at the peace you’ve given our children. Three beautiful, lovely children who have a safe and reliable home because of you-”

“Because of you, too,” Poe said, voice rough.

“And why am I here? Because you brought me. Because you saw something in me, even though we’d barely met. You bring such good into the world, Poe.”

Poe’s shoulders shook. “He was just lying in the field, Finn. Just lying there, blood everywhere. I thought Snap was, I thought he was…”

“Shhhh,” Finn soothed as he rinsed the shampoo from Poe’s hair. “You told me he’s fine. Leia said the same thing.”

“It just- it flashed me back, I guess. Back to Afghanistan.”

Finn circled his arms around Poe’s waist as he let the water run over them both. Poe leaned back into his body, and Finn felt grateful for Poe’s trust, even after all these years. He rocked them under the spray, swaying gently as he pressed kisses to Poe’s back.

“I’m sorry,” Poe mumbled.

“How many times have you coached me through a panic attack, baby? You’re so strong, but that doesn’t mean you have to be strong all the time. I’ll always be here to hold you up when you need it.” Finn squeezed Poe extra tight around the middle. “How about we dry off, and lay in bed, and you call Dr. Charles and see if he’s available to talk?” Finn hoped the therapist hadn’t shut off his emergency line for the night.

Poe jolted. “The kids-”

“Shhh,” Finn soothed again. “My mom and Leia have them. They’ll give us all the time we need.”

“How did this get to be my life?”

Finn pressed a last kiss between Poe’s shoulder blades before turning the water off. “Because it’s the life you deserve, baby.” He briskly dried their bodies and wrapped them in robes, leading Poe to the bed. “Let me go get your phone, okay?” 

Poe nodded and Finn swept a hand through his still damp hair, then leaned over to place a kiss on his brow. Downstairs, he made sure that Poe’s bloody clothes were removed and no blood had gotten anywhere else. He’d wash the clothes at the main house later. He retrieved Poe’s phone, cleaned off some bloody fingerprints with disinfectant wipes, and headed back upstairs. Poe was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, but at the sound of Finn’s footsteps, he turned and smiled. Finn’s heart lightened at the sign that things were heading back towards okay, maybe normal, even.

He climbed into bed, spooning Poe from behind, wrapping himself all around his husband so he’d know he was safe and loved. “Here you go,” he murmured as he handed the phone off, then listened as Poe was able to connect with Dr. Charles and discuss the incident with him. Poe’s hand came down to Finn’s hands around his waist, and he tangled their left hands together so Finn could feel the warm metal of Poe’s wedding ring pressing into his skin.


	60. Coitus Kind of Interruptus - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe find themselves with some free time in the morning, not that Amelia and Caleb are bound to respect that...  
> Based on a story my friend told me about her sex life. :D  
> Takes place in September of year 8:  
> Poe: 41  
> Finn: 32  
> Meghan (off at freshman year of college): 18  
> Amelia: 9  
> Caleb: 5

“Daddy!”

Finn’s heart thundered hard for a second. That was Amelia’s 'It’s an emergency' tone. He set down the dish he’d been washing after their lazy Saturday breakfast, and raced towards her voice, meeting up with Poe, who looked just as startled, along the way.

Amelia was at the top of the stairs, the nine-year-old looking panicked, and Finn took the stairs two at a time to reach her. “What’s wrong, sweet pea? What’s-”

“Caleb got locked in the bathroom, and I can’t get him out, and he’s crying, and saying he’s going to be stuck there forever, and I’m sorry, Daddy-”

Finn’s heart slowed down a little as he realized the situation was not dire. “Okay, Ames, it’s okay. We’ll get him out.” He shot a look at Poe, who was  _ supposed  _ to have fixed that damn lock  _ last  _ weekend, and Poe raised his hands defensively.

“I’m sorry, babe. I promise I’ll get the stuff to repair it today.”

Finn rolled his eyes, but gave him a smile, and a peck on the cheek. It wasn’t Poe’s fault that they’d been busy last weekend unexpectedly. That seemed to happen more often than not around here anyway. “Why don’t you go calm Caleb down?” he asked Poe instead, and everyone winced as the five-year-old screamed. “Okay, sweet pea, come with me,” Finn said, holding out his hand for Amelia. “I’m going to teach you a trick.”

He grabbed a butter knife from the kitchen and took it back upstairs to where Poe was quietly reassuring a now sniffling Caleb through the door. “Okay, so, this trick will work on the locks in pretty much every door in the house, okay? Just not the deadbolts, like on the front door.” Amelia watched intently as Finn shimmied the butter knife up the door. “Now, you’re trying to get the latch to uncatch, so you should hear a click when it goes back.” He bit down on his lip, fiddling with the butter knife, until everyone heard an audible  _ click _ . “Voila.”

Poe turned the knob, and Caleb ran out of the bathroom, tears streaking down his cheeks, and into Poe’s arms. “Hey, you’re okay buddy. All safe and sound.”

“Show us again, Daddy!” Amelia cried with a smile and wide, excited eyes.

Finn laughed. “Maybe it would be a good skill for everyone to know.” He locked the knob and pulled the door shut, then proceeded to teach the kids how to get themselves out, should they get accidentally stuck again.

“Where’d you learn how to do that, babe?” Poe asked, cradling a now tired Caleb in his lap.

“Oh, you know, my life as a spy,” Finn replied with a laugh, missing the excited look on Amelia’s face. “Alright guys, let’s go play with something a little safer.” He shooed them off to the living room, finished the dishes, and kissed Poe thoroughly when he’d fixed the knob, figuring that was that.

\-----------------------------

The thunder of feet and noise from the TV woke Finn the next morning. Or maybe it was his husband, returning from early morning chores on the farm, bringing the smell of fall in with him as he toed off his boots, closing the bedroom door again, and locking it.

Finn raised a sleepy eyebrow.

“I got the kids cereal, and they just put on Tangled. We have a little time to ourselves, if, you know-” Poe grinned sheepishly, hand on his fly.

Finn smirked. It  _ had  _ been awhile. “Get in here,” he murmured, raising the covers up and inviting Poe back in. He shivered, wrapping his limbs around Poe’s air-cold skin, trying to warm him up.

“Mmmm, you feel good,” Poe said, running his hand along the hem of Finn’s sleep tee and lifting it up. “All cuddly and comfy.” They both worked to get naked, just holding each other until their skin normalized the heat between them, lazily kissing lips, and necks, and jawlines.

“How long is Tangled, again?” Finn whispered, pushing Poe over onto his back. “Maybe we should get going, here.”

Poe grinned. “No arguments here, babe.”

Finn smiled, running his hand all the way down Poe’s chest, lingering over the flat softness of his stomach, before enveloping Poe’s hard cock in his hand. Poe’s hips pumped up involuntarily, and Finn’s smile turned into a more savage grin. They didn’t really have enough time for lube and fingers and stretching, but that was okay. Finn was rather partial to blow jobs in the morning.

He kissed his way down Poe’s body, eyes intent on Poe’s the whole time. At Poe’s cock, he nuzzled a bit before licking a stripe up the side, then capturing the head, and swirling away all the precum. Adjusting himself to a better position, he bobbed down, loving the feel of Poe hitting the back of his throat, taking him deep easily after years of happy, happy practice. He closed his eyes, working Poe’s cock up and down, and felt Poe’s hand glide over his face, cupping his cheek lovingly. “You’re so beautiful,” Poe murmured, voice hoarse.

Finn winked up at him, sliding a hand down between Poe’s legs and massaging his perineum, then pulling back to tongue at the sensitive slit on the head of Poe’s dick. Finn could feel the tenseness in Poe’s muscles as he prepared to come, and then Poe was groaning above him, flooding his mouth.

The bedroom doorknob rattled, then Amelia’s annoyed voice, “Daddies, we have a question. We need to come in."

Finn stopped, mouth still fully stuffed with Poe’s softening cock  _ and _ Poe’s cum, and looked up at Poe in desperation. “Uh,” Poe managed, voice sounding strangled. “Uh, we’re uh, we need some private time, sweeties. What did you need?” Finn’s eyes bulged out at Poe, and Poe shrugged, mouthing “What was I supposed to say?”

Amelia was quiet, and when she spoke again, her voice was suspicious. “We were wondering if we could have juice boxes.”

“Yeah, sure. One each, no more.” They both heard her steps retreat back downstairs.

Finn finished swallowing, then let Poe slip out and rested his head against Poe’s thigh, shaking with laughter. “Oh my god. ‘We need private time’? She’s going to look back on this when she’s an adult and realize-”

Poe pulled Finn up so he could kiss him, sweeping inside to share the taste of himself. “What? That her parents loved each other? Maybe it’ll be a good thing for her to remember when she has her own kids that cock block her all the time.”

Finn laughed, loving this man too much for words, and eased them back into another kiss. At Poe’s thigh, Finn’s cock was hard still, and leaking, as he rutted against Poe’s warm skin. Poe’s hand smoothed down over Finn’s side, sweeping over his hip. He capture Finn’s cock in his hand, pumping it in time with Finn’s thrusts, and Finn knew he was close-

The bedroom doorknob rattled again, and this time, both men looked at the door in horror as they saw a butter knife slip in between, jimmying around for the lock.

Later, Finn would reflect on Poe’s speed and presence of mind, and figure that it came from the fact that he’d already gotten off. In the seconds it took Amelia to unlock their door and throw it open, somehow he’d covered Finn up with the blanket, burst from the bed, and was casually tying the knot on his robe. “Hi! Uh, hey, nugget. You know, it’s not very nice to unlock the door when your daddies have it locked for a reason.”

“But Caleb and I were just playing spy-” and yes, sure enough, there was Caleb, peeking around Amelia, and Finn wasn’t sure he could get more embarrassed.

“M’kay, well, Daddy isn’t feeling well, so why don’t we all head back downstairs and find something to do and let him rest a little more.” Poe ushered the kids out of the room, then, as the kids were heading down the stairs, turned back to Finn and whispered, “Sorry, babe. I’ll handle them, you finish up,” before shutting the door behind him.

Finn looked at the closed door for a second, then burst into laughter. He considered his options. His cock was, amazingly, still hard, although it had flagged a little in his embarrassment. He could walk around in frustration all day until he could corner Poe again, or- or- shrugging a little to himself, he wrapped his hand around his cock, reimagining Poe’s hand there, Poe’s body warming his, Poe’s breath hot on his neck. Finn’s free hand gripped into the sheets as he pumped up, quickly catching the rhythm again. In a few moments, he was crying Poe’s name out softly, erupting over his hand.

In the aftermath, Finn let himself drift in the buzz of post-orgasm happiness, another thing he hadn’t had time to do recently. Sex with Poe had been a lot of quickies, it seemed like. As Finn slowly massaged over his stomach, lingering in the good feelings, he vowed to try and figure out an adult vacation for he and Poe sometime soon. Maybe they could exchange weekends away with Snap and Elisa.

Eventually, Finn got up and showered, then pulled on Sunday comfy clothes and headed downstairs. The kids were still playing spy, running around the first floor looking for clues, so Finn snuggled up on the couch next to Poe, who was doing farm paperwork.

“Daddy!” Amelia called, out of breath, sliding to a stop in front of him. “I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. Do you want some chicken soup for breakfast? That’s what makes me feel better.” Caleb nodded at her side, arms full of ‘clues’ which took the form of books, stuffed animals, and a rock they’d obviously gotten from the garden.

“That sounds good, sweet pea. Maybe I’ll get Daddy to make me some.” Finn smiled at Poe as the kids ran off again.

“You’re going to milk this, huh?” Poe leaned over, sweeping a kiss over Finn’s brow. “You know, you do feel feverish.”

“Ha ha.” He found Poe’s hand and squeezed. “But seriously, thanks for your quick thinking.  _ Playing spy.  _ God. Can we never speak of this again?”

Poe chuckled, turning back to his paperwork and letting Finn drop his head to his shoulder. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, babe.”

It didn’t come up again until their 50th wedding anniversary, during surprisingly, not Amelia’s speech, but Caleb’s. As he’d looked down at Malik, he’d smiled as he waited for the laughter to die down, then gotten a little misty-eyed. He raised his glass of champagne. “To my dads, who always showed us exactly what a loving marriage should look like.”


	61. If you die, I'm going to kill you - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 11  
> Getting older has some drawbacks.  
> CW: Talk of cancer  
> Poe: 41, Finn: 32, Meghan: 18, Amelia: 9, Caleb: 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I went ahead and wrote this whole thing thinking people get colonoscopies normally at 40, but it's actually 50, and I didn't go back and re-write it because I'm sick and I liked the part at the beginning and I didn't want to age everyone up 10 years. So yeah, colonoscopies at 50, not 40, got it guys?

Finn closed the book quietly, keeping a close watch on Amelia and Caleb’s eyelids. Yes, he thought he’d done it, they were definitely asl-

“No, Daddy, keep going,” Amelia whined, her eyes still closed.

Finn just barely kept himself from rolling his eyes. “Uh uh. Negative. You are asleep, sweet pea. You won’t even remember this in the morning.”

She mumbled something into her pillow and Finn felt victorious. Now to just very carefully get Caleb to his own bed… Finn handled the sleeping boy like a ticking time bomb, but he needn’t have bothered. Caleb didn’t even stir in his arms. One thing about his son - when he went down, he went down for the count. He brushed a hand over Caleb’s curls after tucking him into bed. He had thought watching Caleb go off to kindergarten would be easier after watching Amelia do it, he really had.  _ Cheeseball _ , he admonished himself lightly.

It was all going by too quickly. In the hallway, with Meghan’s door closed, he could pretend the teen had closed herself in for the night rather than where she actually was, sleeping an hour away in her freshman dorm.

Downstairs, he collapsed beside Poe on the couch. “I figured having one less person in the house would make things less chaotic,” he groused as Poe leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Think of it this way, with Meghan gone, we lost one in the “basically mature adults” column. The little ones almost have us outnumbered.”

“Shit, are you counting me in the basically mature adult column too?”

Poe laughed, caressing down Finn’s cheek before bringing his head over to lay a sweet kiss on Finn’s lips. “Don’t leave me alone in this fight.”

“Never,” Finn vowed, lips curving up. “You know, I don’t have any paperwork to catch up on, and from the looks of your empty lap, I’m assuming you’re done with farm stuff, so…” Finn captured Poe’s mouth again, a little more aggressively this time.

Poe pulled back, groaning. “I would love to follow up on that, but I need to tell you something first.” Poe reached down to gather Finn’s hands in his own, rubbing along Finn’s wedding band.

Finn frowned. “Okay, go ahead.”

“So you know how I had my physical today.” Finn’s heart jumped into overdrive immediately.  _ Oh god, oh god, oh god,  _ his anxiety screamed, even as Poe rushed on. “Everything’s fine for right now.”

“Right now?” Finn said weakly.

“He wants me to have a colonoscopy. It’s standard for men my age. They should have started it last year.”

Finn’s mouth was suddenly dry. “But they don’t suspect…”

“No, baby, it’s just routine. I’m sure nothing will show up.” Poe’s face was searching his, his hands squeezing Finn’s tight.

“Right. Routine. That makes sense. Of course.” Finn clamped down on the panic riding through him. He forced a smile. “Have you scheduled it yet?”

“Yeah, a couple weeks from now.” Poe was frowning at him a little. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Routine. There’s not going to be anything there. I mean, you’re not my dad. You’re only 41. It’s just routine.” When Poe continued searching his eyes, Finn rolled his. “I’m  _ fine.  _ Seriously. I’m glad it’s not something actually wrong.”

Poe’s hand released his to rub his knee. “I’m sorry, I think I killed the mood.”

Finn was able to laugh a little at that. “Yes, so rarely do we cockblock ourselves. It’s kind of a novelty.”

“Want to watch an episode of Orange is the New Black?”

“Yeah.” As Poe got it set up on the TV, Finn wrapped himself around his husband, leaning into his body, listening to his heart, feeling his warmth, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. Poe was going to be fine. Poe never got sick. Poe was the one who took care of everyone else in the household when they got sick. Poe was hearty, healthy. No way there could be something invisible inside him, waiting to take him out in the cruelest way possible.

As the credits started, and Poe wrapped an arm around Finn’s back, Finn remembered back to the first time Amelia had gotten sick.

\-----------------

The whimpering moan was not a new sound for Amelia, but that didn’t mean Finn was going to ignore it. She’d been with them for a little over three months now, and the nightmares were already so much better. Finn had confidence they’d subside completely eventually.

“I got her,” he murmured to Poe, who nodded and released Finn from the spooning position they’d been in.

Finn walked to Amelia’s room, surprised to see her lying down still. Normally when she had a nightmare she’d be sitting up, waiting for one of them to come help her go back to sleep. The little whimper came again, and Finn hurried to her side. “You’re okay, sweet pea,” he said, preparing to rub her back. The back of her nightgown, he quickly realized, was soaked through with sweat. Panicking, Finn placed a hand on her sweaty brow, biting down on his lip when he felt the burning heat there. “Poe,” he called, loud enough for Poe to hear through the monitor. He took the blankets off of her.

Finn heard the rush of footsteps from the hallway. “What’s wrong?”

“She’s got a fever, I think. You should get the thermometer. And maybe a cool washcloth. Poe, she’s so hot.”

Poe didn’t hesitate before turning back out of the room again. In seconds, he returned with the thermometer, handing it off to Finn. Finn stuck it in her ear, and she wailed in her sleep. “Shhh, shhh, shhh, sweet pea, it’s okay.” He wiped the sweaty hair off of her face as her eyes opened. “One hundred degrees even,” he said when Poe returned with a cool cloth.

“Not so bad then.” He sat on Amelia’s bed next to Finn, reaching to rub Amelia’s leg.

“Daddies, my ear hurts too much.”

“Aw, nugget, I’m sorry.”

Finn glanced back at Poe. “Should we take her to the doctor? She’s got a fever. Her ear hurts. What if the eardrum bursts or something?” Amelia whimpered at his words, and he immediately regretted saying it. He turned back to her. “That’s not going to happen, Amelia, I promise.”

Finn felt Poe’s hand rub his back, and he relaxed slightly. “We could call Leia and ask what she’d do,” Poe murmured.

Finn shook his head. “We shouldn’t wake her.”

Poe placed a kiss in Finn’s hair after standing up. “Let’s check the internet.”

“The internet will probably tell us the worst thing.” Still, Poe left the room, presumably to grab his phone.

Tears were leaking out of Amelia’s eyes. “It hurts, Daddy.”

“Shhh, honey. Here, want to cuddle?” He gathered her tiny body in his arms and sat farther in her bed so his back was against the wall. He rocked her as best he could, holding the damp cloth to her forehead.

Poe came back with his phone. “So the internet says it’s not an emergency unless her fever hits 103, but that we should take her to the doctor right away tomorrow.”

“That’s actually...sound medical advice from the internet. Should I be scared?”

Poe crawled up to sit beside Finn. “Here, let me take her for a bit. You have court tomorrow, you should get some rest.”

Finn reluctantly handed Amelia over, watched as she snuggled into Poe’s arms. He settled his head on Poe’s shoulder and watched his baby girl’s eyes droop.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” Poe started.

“You make me happy when skies are gray,” Finn continued.

And together: “You’ll never know dear, how much I love you…”

\----------------

When Finn refocused on the TV, Piper was prattling about something or another. His hand clutched into Poe’s shirt. “You can’t die, Poe.”

“What? Baby-” Poe paused, turning the TV off.

Finn straightened. “You’re not allowed to die.”

Poe shifted to face him, gathering Finn’s face in his hands. “I’m not going to die, baby. It’s just routine.”

“Dad died.” Finn felt the tears starting to well up in his eyes.

“Oh, honey.” Poe pressed a kiss to Finn’s forehead. “That’s why they do this. To catch it, if it even exists, before it can get as bad as your dad’s.” His thumb brushed a tear off of Finn’s cheek.

“If you die, I’m going to kill you, Poe.”

Poe’s mouth tipped up a little at that. “Okay. You do what you need to.” Finn inhaled a shaky breath. “Aw, come here, baby.” Poe wrapped his arms around Finn, and Finn let the tears fall as Poe rubbed his back. “I’m not going to die. And you’re going to come with me in a few weeks, and see for yourself, how not dead I am. My doctor loves me, Finn. He said he’s very pleased with my numbers for a man my age. Can you believe he added that at the end. ‘A man my age.’ I’m 41 for god’s sake, not 70. He said I must have a pretty good life to have such good numbers, and I replied, ‘I definitely do.’ How could I not, with you here to take care of me?”

Finn choked a little laugh into Poe’s chest. “Poe, you’re the one who takes care of the rest of us.”

Poe stroked over his hair. “Bullshit.” That surprised Finn into genuine laughter. “How about we agree that we take care of each other, in the Smith-Dameron family?” Poe reached for his left hand with his own, their wedding rings touching as they linked fingers.

\-----------------------------

Finn worried his ring as he waited to be called back. Finally, a nurse called Poe’s name and he stood. She smiled warmly at him. “He’s in recovery now. He’s still coming out of the anesthesia. I imagine he’d like to see a friendly face when he wakes up.”

She led him back to a curtained room, and there he was, the love of his life, looking perfectly fine in his sleep. Finn immediately pulled a chair over and took one of Poe’s hands in his. They’d made Poe take off his ring for the surgery, and it was sitting heavily in Finn’s pocket. Finn rubbed the tan line where it should have been instead.

Poe was just coming around, smiling lazily at Finn, when his doctor came in. “Mr. Dameron, Mr. Smith. Everything was perfect! No trouble spots. I’ll see you in ten years.” The doctor shook their hands and made a swift exit.

When Finn looked back at Poe, he was grinning widely at him. “Told ya so.”

Finn brushed a kiss over Poe’s knuckles. “I love you, you dork.”


	62. You did all of this for me? - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 19.  
> Finn gets corralled into coaching Caleb's soccer team.  
> (Seriously this is like 2k of domestic soccer fluff)
> 
> Poe: 41, Finn: 32, Meghan: 18, Amelia: 9, Caleb: 5

“Please, papi,” Caleb said, eyes big with just - just - a hint of tears, as he sat on Finn’s knee.

“Please, papi,” Poe repeated in the same pleading voice his son had used, patting Finn’s free knee with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“But I don’t know how to play soccer, I just watch  _ you  _ play,” Finn tried to reason, even though he knew it was pointless in the face of Caleb’s meme-worthy expression.

“I can teach you, papi!” Caleb broke into a grin and Finn felt himself slipping.

“I can give you some drills to follow, babe. They’re 5, it’ll be a piece of cake.”

Finn chewed his lip. Poe had been coaching Amelia’s AYSO team for three years now. It really was only fair that Finn step up and agree to pitch in. But- “There are seriously no other parents in Caleb’s class that are willing?”

Poe shrugged. “That’s what the registration lady said. There’s enough for a team, but no coach. And no coach, no team. There’s not a lot of glory in coaching kindergarten soccer.”

“ _ Paaapiiiiii,  _ ” Caleb begged, eyes somehow the size of dinner plates in his head.

“Okay,” Finn said, and felt his anxiety kick up a little. “Okay, I’ll-” His confirmation was cut off by Caleb launching off of his knee and making a loop of the living room, kitchen, and hallway, screaming his head off.

“Jesus Christ,” Finn murmured, and Poe laughed. Finn punched him lightly on the thigh.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Poe said, only sounding mildly contrite, but then leaned in to brush his lips across Finn’s, and Finn was mollified. Poe’s hand found his and squeezed. “Amelia and I can show you some drills tomorrow.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Finn sighed, standing. He easily caught Caleb on his next round and held the boy upside down. “What do you think you’re doing, Cay-Cay?” He swung Caleb around to face Poe as Caleb screamed all the more.

“What’s this? An offering for the tickle monster?” Caleb dissolved into giggles as Poe tickled his exposed stomach until they all collapsed into the couch, a happy, breathless mess.

\---------------------------

Finn worked through a breath calming exercise as he stood in the kitchen. He checked the time on the oven and saw that they needed to go soon. He turned around, about to call out for Caleb, when he caught Poe taking him in, a look of blatant attraction on his face.

“What? You’ve seen me in workout gear before. Caleb! Let’s get a move on!”

“I’ve seen you in your running pants. This, though. Are those my soccer shorts?” Poe crowded in close, using his hands to urge him to spin all the way around.

Finn felt silly. “I wanted to, uh, look the part,” he admitted sheepishly.

Poe ran his hands down Finn’s back and landed on his ass, squeezing in. “I have to tell you, it’s really working for me. You fill these out better than I do.”

“Shut up,” Finn replied, blushing as Poe leaned in for a kiss.

Poe fingered the whistle around his neck. “This look is doing things to me. Want to bring the whistle to bed later and order me around, coach?”

“You are  _ the worst _ .”

“Just trying to distract you, babe.” Poe captured Finn’s lower lip in his teeth quickly, just a little love nibble. “You’re going to be amazing today. You’ll do great, the kids will love you. Remember the most important part.”

Finn nodded, eyes serious. “Make sure the kids have fun.”

They were interrupted by the clomping of Caleb’s new soccer cleats. He’d been so proud to explain to the woman at Foot Locker that he got new shoes because now he was big enough to play in the real games, just like his sister and daddy. Poe knelt to make sure his shin guards were strapped on properly, then tied up his shoes and planted a kiss on his forehead.

“Thanks, Daddy.” He returned the kiss to Poe’s cheek with a smack of lips.  “Papi, let’s go!” he yelled as he took Finn’s hand and pulled him to the mud room.

“Love you, babe!” Finn heard Poe call after them.

Practice was being held at Caleb’s elementary school. He upended the bag of small soccer balls and asked Caleb if he could put them in a line for him. As Caleb set to his task, Finn greeted the kids as they came in, and introduced himself to the parents. He got nervous when he saw several moms pull out folding chairs and set up on the side of the field; he hadn’t realized he was going to have to do this with an audience. The key going in was having a healthy respect for the amount of havoc a pack of eight kindergarteners could create, right? Just take Caleb and times his energy by eight. If he knew that going in, he wouldn’t be surprised…

Well, surprise wasn’t quite the right word for it, anyway. More like shell shocked. He managed to keep the pack entertained for the half-hour, kicking balls to each other and getting in goal practice. Only three kids cried, and two of those were because they’d collided into each other while running. One of the kids in the collision got a bloody nose, which fascinated everyone for a good five minutes. The third kid, Georgie, Finn found crying by a tree because she didn’t know anyone on the team. Finn convinced her to take his hand and come back to the team, where she finally consented to do the passing drill with Caleb, because Finn could vouch for him. As soon as the passing drill was done, she was right back at his side, hand reaching up for his.

No one died, the moms mostly gossiped to themselves over on the sidelines, and Finn felt like he’d been run over by a semi. So, a win.

If Finn regretted his decision during the week between practices, all he had to do was watch Amelia and Caleb kicking the ball in the backyard and he’d steel himself for another round.

He’d held the first practice at a special time because he wanted to get to know the kids, but AYSO had suggested that coaches for the youngest kids hold their practices the half-hour before their half-hour games. The paperwork Finn had been given sardonically stated the reason as, “So the kids don’t have to remember what you taught them four days before, although sometimes getting them to remember what you taught them the half hour before is just as hard.” So, it was with some trepidation that he met his team for the second time ever, on the soccer field, the other team already there, both sets of kids glancing warily at each other. Finn paired Georgie up with Caleb again, because he knew Caleb would be nice, and set about running the kids through their drills.  Poe and Amelia were off getting ready for her game; both Poe and Finn were broken up about having to miss one of their kids’ games. When Poe was young, Shara and Kes had attempted to make as many as possible, but it had been hard as a migrant worker, and Finn had never even expected his parents to show up for more than conferences at the military school, so it was important for both Finn and Poe to be  _ there  _ for their kids.

More and more parents began to accumulate on the sidelines for the game. Finn nodded at the moms he recognized now, and they smiled back.

As practice was ending, Finn found Georgie tugging at his shorts and knelt so he could hear her.

“Do I hafta play, Coach Finn?” Her lower lip was perilously close to jutting out in a pout.

“You don’t want to play the actual game?” Georgie looked over her shoulder, to a man that was pacing the sideline, talking sternly into his cellphone. She turned back and shook her head.

“What if I’m bad?”

Finn took her in, this little five year old with brown curls and doe eyes and a skinned knee, the bright green of the soccer uniform popping against her dark skin. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t tell her ‘you won’t be bad.’ In his experience, that was just about as much reassurance as someone trying to bring him out of a panic attack by telling him he’d be fine. “You want to just watch for a bit?” he offered instead, and she nodded.

They were only playing 6 on a side anyway, so Georgie and another boy stood with Finn on the sidelines as the teams lined up and the ref prepared to blow her whistle.

If Finn had thought practice was chaotic, that was nothing compared to what happened when the whistle blew. Immediately, all sense of formation was lost on either side as the teams formed a 12 person clump around the ball. The clump moved up and down the field. Occasionally the ball would get kicked out of the clump, and they’d have to reform around it. Sometimes, the ball would happen to cross the goal line on one side or the other, and the whole thing would start over. Finn ran a hand over his face and glanced nervously at the line of parents, but they were all chatting happily. Okay, maybe this was normal.

As halftime hit and the kids were all getting their water and orange slices, the man Finn presumed was Georgie’s father tapped him angrily on the shoulder. “How come you aren’t playing my kid?”

Finn glanced over at Georgie, who was shyly accepting an orange slice from a mom. “She’ll let me know when she wants in,” Finn said, quiet but firm.

“You’re letting a 5 year old dictate decisions on your team? That’s a stupid ass-”

“Watch your mouth,” Finn hissed, standing up straighter, though the man had at least five inches on him.

“Everything okay here?” the teenage ref asked hesitantly, and Georgie’s father glared at him and stalked away.

“Yeah, we’re good. Is it always like this?”

“What, parents caring too much about how many minutes their kids get? Yes,” the ref said, bitterness clear in her voice.

“No, I meant the clump.”

“Oh, yeah. I mean, every game I’ve ever reffed anyway. Makes for easy reffing though!” she said brightly, blowing her whistle to get the kids back on the field.

Georgie never told Finn she wanted to play, and Finn figured it was okay to let her be for this first game. He’d start pushing her for baby steps next week. Still, he could feel her father’s death glare staring him down as the team picked everything up and packed out.

Caleb was bouncing off the walls, giving Amelia and Poe a play-by-play that  _ had  _ to be largely fictitious, because Finn certainly didn’t remember any of the ‘passing’ that he was referencing.

Later, when Caleb and Amelia were eating their post-game snack, Poe and Finn were working on food prep for the week. “You know, I know this is wrong of me, but I just really hate the fact that you and I had to go to weeks of parenting classes and here’s a-holes like this that just get to be dads by genetics? Georgie is like, the sweetest little kid you’ll ever meet, Poe. She deserves better.” Finn’s tirade fueled his vegetable chopping.

Poe leaned on the counter beside him, toweling off fresh washed tomatoes. “Do you think he’s being abusive?”

“No,” Finn admitted. “Just an asshole.”

When Finn paused in his chopping, Poe leaned in to place a kiss on his cheek. “Well, unfortunately, we both know how full the world is of assholes.”

“Daddy, you’re not supposed to say that word,” Amelia called primly from the dining area.

“How did  _ I  _ get caught and you didn’t?” Poe asked below his breath.

“Because I know how to keep quiet,” Finn said, almost keeping a straight face.

“No, you effing don’t. You are the loudest-”

“Daddy, can we go play outside?” Amelia asked from the doorway.

Poe coughed. “Yeah, nugget, go ahead. Don’t go to the farm without asking, ‘kay?”

“‘Kay!” Amelia and Caleb tore through the kitchen and out the side door.

Finn burst into laughter, and Poe leaned into him, nibbling at his earlobe.

\-------------------------

Finn’s Saturdays on the soccer field settled into a pattern. Try to maintain some semblance of control over the drills, totally accept that he had no control over their actions in the game, convince Georgie into playing for a little bit to please her father Hank, and get flak from Hank for not playing Georgie enough. He wondered if Hank was watching the same games as him. It mattered so little who was even on the field, sometimes Finn was tempted to just put the whole team out at once.

“You want me to beat this guy up for you?” Poe asked one Saturday night as Finn ranted in bed.

“I’m perfectly capable of beating him up for myself,” Finn grumbled.

Poe set aside his book, pulled off the little half-glasses he’d finally conceded to a month before. He ran his hand down Finn’s pajama-covered chest, resting it finally on his stomach, and snuggled into Finn’s side. “I know you are. Doesn’t stop El Oso from get protective.”

Finn laughed, just like he knew Poe was trying to get him to do. “Oh, so you’re calling yourself that now, huh?”

“Did I tell you what my team is calling Amelia?  _ La Osezna  _ . The cub.”

“Awww,” Finn said, rubbing Poe’s shoulders. “So if you’re the bear and the cub, what are Caleb and I?”

“I can’t just give you a name, you have to earn it. And while you’re doing that, I’ll figure out what the Spanish is for Tasmanian Devil so we can start calling Caleb that.”

Finn snorted. “You and Caleb, I swear.”

Poe heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m just so old, now, and he’s so energetic.”

“Yup, you’re  _ so  _ old. Older than the trees and the rocks. Hey!” Finn laughed as Poe lifted up his shirt and blew a raspberry on his stomach. “I’m  _ not  _ Caleb, that doesn’t work on me.”

“How about this?” Poe responded with a grin, and his lips slid lower.

\----------------------------

It was the last game of the season. It was raining. Pouring, really. The field was basically a mud pit. The kids had never looked happier, while all the parents grimaced and thought of their minivan carpeting. The ball moved about three inches every time it was kicked, which meant the clump moved around even slower than normal.

Through chance, Georgie found herself with the ball at her feet, and Finn whispered, “C’mon Georgie, you can do it.”

She raised her foot to kick. From the sideline, Hank yelled, “Go for the goal, Georgie!” but Georgie was already passing it - or attempting to - off to Caleb, who gave the ball a huge kick, propelling it out of the clump by about five feet, and landing on his butt in the process. Any spare thought Finn had for his son’s pain went away when Caleb broke into a grin and Georgie held out her hand for him.

Finn raised his fists in the air and screamed like he was at a sporting event he’d paid for. “You actually passed! I can’t believe it! You passed! Yes! Nice work!”

Beside him, Hank was uncharacteristically quiet. He felt Hank’s eyes on him and did his best to ignore the difficult man.

The game ended on a tie, the clump never managing to get the ball close enough to either goal to make it in. The way the kids were grinning, though, it was like they’d just won the World Cup. Finn cleaned up Caleb as best he could, gathered Amelia and Poe, and headed for the pizza party the moms had graciously organized since Finn had volunteered to coach.

When they got to the pizza parlor, the first thing Finn saw was a huge banner that read “Thank you, Coach Finn!” Finn stopped in his tracks. Poe wrapped an arm around his waist and got him walking again.

As Finn walked in, the whole team, including the parents - including Hank - cheered. “You did all of this for me?” One of his little girls, Sharon, handed him a scrap book. Inside, he found pictures of everyone, and a handwritten note (written very obviously by an adult) from each kid saying what their favorite thing about Coach Finn was. “ _ I like his smile.” “He’s really nice.”  “He doesn’t yell at us when we don’t pass the ball.”  _ Finn bit down on his lip, determined not to cry in front of everyone.

He looked up at all the smiling and expectant faces. “Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I love this.”

Caleb tugged on his shorts. “Does that mean you’ll coach us next year, Papi?” The room laughed.

“Why not?” Finn said, a little watery, as Poe rubbed his back. “Now, let’s dig into that pizza!” This was greeted with a chorus of “We love you, Coach Finn!” before the room erupted into chaos.

“Are you Finn’s husband? Hi, I’m Hank.” He offered his hand to Poe, and Finn felt Poe tense before he shook it politely and murmured his name. Hank turned to Finn. “Listen, Finn. I’ve been a jerk. I’m sorry.”

Finn widened his eyes. “I accept your apology,” he said simply.

“I- look, it’s not an excuse, but Georgie’s mom and I are going through a divorce, and we had to move, and I was worried that she wasn’t making any friends when you wouldn’t play her. I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it, obviously she’s doing okay.” He nodded to where Georgie and Caleb were eating pizza together. “Thank you.”

Finn let his lips tip up in a smile. “You’re welcome. You know, if Georgie ever wants to come over and play on the farm with Caleb, we’d love to have her over.”

Hank looked grateful - whether it was because Finn was letting him off the hook or because it seemed his daughter had made a friend, Finn wasn’t sure. But he nodded, and they exchanged contact information.

“Well, Coach,” Poe started as they sat down with their pizza, “What do you think?”

“I think...I’m ready to take over Amelia’s team,” Finn responded with a nod. Poe’s mouth gaped for about two seconds before Finn laughed and patted his knee. "Like I'd ever get between the bear and his cub." Finn was laughing when Poe's mouth caught his.


	63. Holiday Decorations - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a request on tumblr but apparently I didn't tag who requested it. This originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 28.  
> Poe: 41, Finn: 32, Meghan: 18, Amelia: 9, Caleb: 5
> 
> CW: illness, hospital

Finn hadn’t been feeling great when he’d left for the law office holiday party. When Poe had placed a kiss on his brow before he’d walked out the door, he’d frowned in concern, then peered at Finn’s face. “You feel a little feverish,” Poe muttered, obviously worried about whatever he was seeing on Finn’s face.

“‘M fine. Just a winter cold coming on, I’m sure. I’m just going to head to town, drop off the gift for my boss, schmooze a little, and be home in time for story time. Promise.” Poe and Finn had agreed to take on Luis and Sophia for Elisa and Snap’s date night before Finn’s law firm had scheduled their holiday party, so Poe was going to be stuck at home with four kids under the age of 10.

Poe frowned harder. “Be careful, okay? It’s going to get slick once it gets dark.”

Finn wrapped his arms around his husband’s waist and snuggled in, feeling like he could just fall asleep right there, standing, against Poe’s chest, if he didn’t have to leave. “I’ll text when I leave. Wish you were coming with. Love you.” Poe had given him another kiss, settling it in his hair this time, and it made Finn seriously consider staying, especially when a wave of nausea hit him as he pulled out of the driveway.

He was in the middle of a conversation with his boss when the nausea hit again, an intense pain in his stomach accompanying it. He winced, not able to help himself from doubling over, dropping the glass of water in his hand.

“Finn?” He felt his assistant Nancy’s hand on his back as he collapsed. “Finn! Someone call 911!”

Finn stayed hunched in a ball, cowering over his stomach, feeling the most intense pain in his life. “Poe,” he mumbled.

—————————-

He’d just finished feeding all four kids - Meghan had met up with old high school friends for dinner and a movie - when he got the call from Nancy, explaining that Finn was on his way to the hospital. For ten seconds, Poe allowed himself to freeze and panic, and then he sprang into action. He sent a quick text off to Meghan to let her know where he was, then called in reinforcements in the form of Leia and Anne.  

Dealing with everything meant that by the time he’d reached the Salem hospital, Finn was already in emergency surgery - an appendectomy - and Poe was left alone. His brain couldn’t help reliving the other time he’d sat through Finn’s emergency surgery. His stomach roiled.

“Dad! Dad,” Meghan repeated, sitting down in the chair next to him and immediately wrapping Poe into a hug.

Poe returned it, pressing a kiss into her hair. “He’s going to be okay. His appendix ruptured. He’s in surgery now. He’s going to be okay, though.”

“Okay,” Meghan murmured, pulling back and wiping at her eyes.

“He’s going to be stuck here for a couple of days, though,” Poe said, letting the implications sink in.

“So…he’s going to miss Christmas.”

“Yeah, but he’ll be okay.”

Meghan gave him a watery smile. “Yeah, he’s going to be okay, Dad.” She rubbed his hand. “He’s going to be okay, even if you go home for a bit, take a rest.”

Poe shook his head swiftly. “I need to be here when he wakes up. I’m always here when he wakes up.” It wasn’t a rational statement, but his mind didn’t want to work rationally right now. He tugged a hand through his curls. “I- I’m sorry. But-”

“But you have to. I get it.” Meghan shoved her own hair behind her ear. “How can I help?”

Poe wrapped his arms around her again. “Go help Leia and Anne. I’ll keep you guys posted. As soon as he’s allowed visitors, I know he’s going to want to see you guys. See his babies. My babies.” He met Meghan's eyes, then pulled her into another hug, needing to feel the comfort of his family.  


“Yeah, I can do that. We'll be ready.” She kissed him on the cheek, gave him a last squeeze, and walked out.

They let him in, finally, when Finn was still groggy in recovery.

“Hey, baby,” Poe whispered, when Finn’s eyes were still fluttering open.

“You’re hot,” Finn replied, sounding drunk, and Poe laughed.

“Thanks. The doctor said you can have some ice chips.”

“Are you my nurse? You’re hot.” It almost sounded like an accusation, as Finn’s brows drew together, and Poe had to laugh again.

“No, babe, I’m-”

“What’re ya doing later?” Finn attempted a wink, but both eyes closed.

_God, I should be recording this._ All of the worry, all of the anxiety fell away. “Going home with you, I hope.”

Finn’s eyes widened. “Yeah?” Then they narrowed again, and he frowned at Poe. More specifically, at the golden ring on Poe’s left hand. “You’re married,” he said, tone accusatory.  


Poe hid his smile with his hand. “Yeah, I’m married. To you, you dork.”

The grin that broke across Finn’s face could only be described as a slice of sunshine. “Really?”

Poe sat on the side of his bed, cupping Finn’s cheek and leaning down to brush his lips across Finn’s. “For like, six and a half years at this point, yeah.”

Finn looked delighted. “Wow.”

Poe snorted, kissing Finn again, because he could. “I think that every day when I wake up next to you.”

“Wow,” Finn said again in the same affected voice. “I kind of want to sleep now.”

“Go for it, baby.”

——————-

The first thing Finn saw when he woke was Poe, which made sense. Then he saw Meghan, Caleb, and Amelia, and in a rush, what had happened at the holiday party came back to him. “Hey,” he mumbled, his voice hoarse. As that started a commotion, he looked around his bed area. Someone - Finn had a pretty good idea who - had brought him in a little Christmas tree, potted, complete with some of his favorite ornaments from home. There was a paper garland taped to the foot of his bed, too. As Poe organized the chaos, Finn grinned, then held out his arms. Caleb and Amelia broke away and launched themselves at him, and Finn winced, but hugged them tight.

“Thank you guys,” he whispered over their heads, and Poe and Meghan smiled back at him.

Poe took his hand. “They think they might let you out tonight, actually, but Amelia and Caleb didn’t want you to miss Christmas, just in case.”

Finn placed kisses on Amelia and Caleb’s heads. “I love it.”


	64. The Lucky Jacket: Finn and Poe - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote The Lucky Jacket in four pieces, as a celebration of the 1 year anniversary of Organa's. I'm breaking them up a bit for this repost to make them fit chronologically into the story.
> 
> Chapter 1/4: Finn and Poe rediscover an old favorite while doing spring cleaning. 
> 
> Poe: 41, Finn: 32, Meghan: 19, Amelia: 10, Caleb: 5

“I don’t even understand where half of this stuff even came from,” Finn muttered as he sorted through the junk that had accumulated in their attic-like crawl space.

“Spring cleaning! Spring cleaning!” Caleb cried as he swept a dirty, dusty rag around, mostly just moving the dust from one place to another. Everyone had a job - even if that job was to move dust around. Meghan, home from college for Spring Break, was helping Poe go through clothing and toys down below, and Amelia, Caleb, and Finn were tackling the crawl space. Mostly because more than one adult in the crawl space was too much, and because Caleb and Amelia could not be trusted to get rid of toys by themselves. Finn had walked in on too many ‘oh, but we just wanted to play with it one last time’ disasters to know not to do that.

“Daddy, what are these?” Amelia held up a box filled with smaller snapping boxes, like jewelry.

Finn reached from where he was sitting and held one open for her, showing the Purple Heart inside. “They’re your grandfather’s. He got them for being in the military.”

“Like Daddy was?” Amelia opened up several more, oooing and ahhing over the various pins and medals.

“Yeah, sweet pea, like Daddy was. Nan thought I might like them. Maybe I should put them in my office.” Finn chewed on his lip, indecisive. In the end, he pulled the Purple Heart, to go by his mom and dad’s picture in the hallway, and put the rest back in the box and further back for storage. Outside, the dogwood they’d planted for his dad was getting ready to bloom, but he still got a strange feeling in his chest when he thought of his dad. Some things, Finn supposed, weren’t easy to get over.

Finn lost his balance, falling from his kneeling position to his butt, when Amelia and Caleb tackled him. “What the-”

“You had a sad face, Daddy,” Caleb explained. “We thought you needed a hug.”

“It was  _ his  _ idea,” Amelia added.

Finn ran his hand through the fine black strands of Amelia’s hair, and over the braids of Caleb’s. He hugged them close, kissing their foreheads. “It was a pretty good idea, buddies. I’m a pretty lucky dad,” he murmured. “And it’s not even Father’s Day.” He released them, then took a look at the crawl space and blew out his breath. “Let’s get back to work, huh?”

They sorted through boxes of old books, which itself was a trip down memory lane for the kids. Still, they agreed that other kids would like to read them too, even if they were their favorites, and created a separate pile to donate to the school library, and to their old preschool. Finn earmarked a bunch of old paperwork to be filed in his office, or shredded, too.

Sitting back on his haunches, Finn surveyed their work. “Well, we managed to clear up some room. Let’s haul this stuff downstairs for the donation pile, ‘kay, kiddos?”

They worked out a system that had them ferrying items down the ladder to the crawl space and the stairs, but Finn was still exhausted, and feeling dusty and gross, by the time they were finished.

“This everything for donation?” Poe asked, setting a box of clothes next to the pile they’d made.

Finn took a moment to admire his husband’s biceps before nodding. “Hey!” Finn grabbed the leather coat that was sitting at the top of the pile. “We can’t give this away.”

Poe shrugged. “I like the one you gave me two Christmases ago better. This one’s still in good shape, I figured one of your clients might like it, instead of taking it to the donation place.”

Finn frowned. “You really don’t remember it?” Suddenly, exhaustion and grossness slid into irritation, and his brows drew together. “I can’t believe you don’t remember-”

“Whoa, Finn. What’s-” Poe obviously knew he was in the wrong somehow, but had no idea why, and that incensed Finn further.

He knew he was being unreasonable, but  _ dammit _ . How could Poe forget? He threw the jacket back down on top of the clothing. “Never mind. I need to take a shower. Maybe you can figure it out on the drive to the donation center.”

\------------

The shower cooled him down, of course, and then he felt awful.  _ What if something happens to him on the drive? What if Poe gets into an accident and the last thing I said to him were angry words and- _

Before he could panic-spiral further, he found his phone and shot off a quick text.

**Finn:** Don’t read this while driving. But I love you, and I’m sorry I got bent out of shape. Make it home safe.

It was probably silly, but. It eased some of the panic in Finn’s gut.

And when Poe made it home safe, his mind was eased further.  Poe came back to the chaos that was dinnertime, then bedtime, and then- then it was just Meghan, Poe, and Finn in left in the living room, and Finn didn’t want to make Meghan think they were having difficulties of any kind when it was just that Finn needed to apologize for being oversensitive. Finn felt relief, and then guilt, when Meghan said she was heading out the door to meet friends for a late movie.

Finn walked her to the door and slipped a twenty in her hand. “Be safe, honey, okay?”

A blush tinged over her pale cheeks. “I do have  _ some  _ money, Dad.”

Finn shook his head. “Nope, don’t care. Take it, and have a good time on your dads. And no complaining.”

Meghan smiled, and went up onto her tiptoes to brush a kiss over his cheek. “Thanks.”

“Thanks for all your help today, and your Caleb wrangling. I miss you around here.”

“Summer’s just around the corner,” she replied with a smile, then turned to leave.

He watched her go, waved as she exited the driveway.

When he came back to the living room, Poe was gone, so Finn headed upstairs, ready to finally hash out their tiny spat from earlier.  _ Ready to eat crow, more like,  _ Finn thought.

Their door was closed, which was odd, and he pushed it open, then stopped in his tracks.

Poe was lounging on the bed, naked, but for- but for  _ the  _ leather jacket. Finn opened his mouth in surprise, but Poe spoke first. “Please forgive me. I’m an idiot. A complete and total idiot.”

“You remembered,” Finn murmured, shutting and locking (double locking, since the spy incident) the door behind him.

Poe flashed him his trademark grin. “I remembered.” He pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the bed and beckoned Finn closer. When Finn was standing between his legs, Poe kissed his stomach. He lifted Finn’s shirt up, and pressed another kiss to his bare stomach, murmuring his appreciation when Finn pulled the shirt off. He looked up, meeting Finn’s eyes. “I remembered sitting across from you at the potluck, watching the sunset with you. Watching you take delight in the fresh food, and the music. Seeing the stars in your eyes. Your eyes are most beautiful when the stars are reflected in them.”

Finn swept a hand into Poe’s curls. “Honey, I’m sorry I got upset. I was cranky, and tired, and honestly, probably more hangry than anything.” He let Poe work the button on his jeans, then helped him slide them over his hips. When he was clear of them, he sat down on Poe’s lap, Poe’s cock pressing into his leg.

Poe circled an arm around Finn’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss. “Yeah, well, I’m used to it, after this many years,” he teased when they’d broken apart. “Want me to tell you what else I remember?”

Finn smiled, and kissed him again. “Sure,” he replied, then gasped when Poe turned him around and laid him on his back on the bed.

“I remember pressing you against a tree. Kind of like this.” Poe kissed over his pulse point, then lower, across his chest. “‘Cept you were wearing my jacket.  _ My  _ jacket, so you smelled like a blend of you and me.”

“You remember-” Finn gasped as Poe latched onto his nipple. “You remember well, apparently.”

“Oh yeah. Just needed a little jog, I guess.” He leaned over Finn to grab the lube, and Finn took the opportunity to place a sucking kiss on his side that had him moaning.

“What else do you remember?”

Poe slicked up his fingers, then began to stretch himself open, as he continued to kiss lower - his farmer certainly knew how to multi-task.

“I rem- oh-” Poe paused, fingers obviously sweeping over his prostate. “I remember thinking that I was in trouble, for sure.” Poe pressed a kiss to the side of Finn’s cock, then rested his head there as he stretched himself further. His breath on Finn’s cock was torture.

“Good trouble,” Finn murmured, stroking through Poe’s hair. “You gonna ride me?”

“The best kind of trouble,” Poe agreed. He straddled Finn, kissing him again, and the kiss made Finn lose his breath. Sometimes the love snuck right up and smacked him one - and this was one of those times. A separate part of his brain sat back and wondered at how  _ good  _ it still was between them, despite the years, despite the kids.

Poe held out his hand to be steadied, and Finn obliged, squeezing his fingers tight. With his other hand, Poe guided himself onto Finn’s cock, and soon Finn was wrapped in warm, soft  _ Poe.  _ He hummed out his happiness and watched as ecstasy slid over Poe’s face.

Poe placed another steadying hand on Finn’s stomach, and began to move, his thighs bunching and releasing with a quiet strength that Finn had always admired.

Finn laughed as the memory hit him. “This was- this was, I’m pretty sure, the first fantasy I had about you. You riding me as well as you rode BB-8. And you do it  _ so  _ well. You feel so good, baby.”

“Really? And here I was mostly thinking about how good you looked in the sunlight. Still do.” Poe lowered himself down to Finn’s chest, and pressed their lips together. He swept his hand up Finn’s chest, making him shiver, and cupped Finn’s face. “So beautiful. And your cock is. So. Good.” He punctuated each statement with a roll of his hips.

Though the jacket made a pretty picture against Poe’s bronze skin, Finn wanted to feel Poe, all of him, and he shoved the jacket off Poe’s shoulders. Poe helped him, and together they pulled it from Poe’s body and tossed it to the floor. Finn groaned as Poe lay back down on him, the position shoving him deeper inside Poe, and the feel of Poe’s skin glorious.

Finn swept his hands up Poe’s back, feeling the muscles there tense as Poe pushed toward release. Between them, Poe’s cock was leaking, trapped between their stomachs, and Poe himself had buried his head in Finn’s neck. Finn wrapped his arms around Poe tight, clinging to him as much as he could, whispering his love in Poe’s ear.

Poe had captured Finn in another kiss when he came, slick between their bellies, and squeezed around Finn’s cock. Finn moaned into Poe’s mouth, letting him take the sound, as he spilled inside Poe, and their frenetic movement slowed to something more like molasses. Poe let Finn slip out of him, so Finn could cradle him better in the aftermath. They rested cheek to cheek, hearts thundering, breath still stuttering.

Poe found Finn’s hand in the sheets again, and squeezed it, before pressing a kiss to Finn’s cheek. “I remember thinking that you were too young, and I was too old. But somewhere along the way, we evened out, didn’t we?”

Finn brought Poe’s hand to his lips. “We did, baby.”

“Sorry I forgot.”

Finn laughed a little, kissing Poe’s lips again. “Feel free to forget anytime, honey, if you’re going to beg forgiveness in the form of mind-blowing orgasms.” He felt the rumble of Poe’s chuckle along his body. “I’m sorry I was short with you. And I’m especially sorry I let you walk out of the house when I was angry at you. If something had happened on your drive-”

“Wait, was that what that text was about?” Poe cupped Finn’s face. “Baby. That is something you  _ never  _ have to worry about. When I leave this mortal plane, a long, long, very long time from now, you can rest assured I’ll die knowing you loved me, no matter what our last words were.”

Finn squeezed Poe tight. “That’s only slightly reassuring. Please never talk about dying again.”

“Sorry. Never gonna die. Promise. As long as you can make the same promise.”

Finn took Poe’s left hand in his, so that their rings clinked together in the dim light of the bedroom, and placed them on his chest between their hearts. “Promise.”

Poe kissed their joined hands. “You know, I don’t think I can give away that jacket, now that I’ve thought about it.”

Finn shook his head. “You don’t have to- It’s silly, probably, to keep a hold of it.”

“Not silly,” Poe murmured, looking him in the eye, utterly sincere. “It’s obviously lucky.”


	65. So I found this waterfall... - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 15  
> A short chapter based on "petrichor" and "basorexia" from a tumblr prompt, as well as the prompt "so I found a waterfall..."  
> Basorexia - An overwhelming desire to kiss.  
> Petrichor - The smell of dry rain on the ground.
> 
> Year 12: July: The Smith-Damerons go camping. (Amelia/14, Caleb/10, Meghan/23, Finn/35, Poe/45)

Finn had taken up jogging soon after he started his career, because he realized he missed the physical activity of working on the farm. He’d run with Meghan, and now, it was looking like Caleb was going to his second little running buddy. The ten year old hadn’t joined him this morning, though; instead he was sleeping in with the rest of the family back in the tents. Finn hadn’t been able to make himself sleep in and miss this, though. It had rained overnight, just a drizzle, but the wetness clung to the high desert air, bringing Finn the sweet aromas of sage and juniper. It smelled like life, even out here in the desert, and he steadied his pace to enjoy the run through the sagebrush flats.

The tiniest bunny Finn had seen crossed his path, and Finn though of Amelia, and Caleb, and the beautiful Angora that had opened the floodgates of the Smith-Dameron menagerie. Really, once they’d started bringing home animals from strange places, they couldn’t seem to stop, and sometimes Finn wondered if their pets had more control in the household than the humans did. There was really no saying no to Amelia when she got that look in her eye, and hey, at least she wasn’t bringing stray humans home - yet.

It was the first extended vacation Finn had convinced Poe to go on in awhile. Gone a whole week in the summer, and the first day, Finn had spent monitoring Poe’s use of his cell phone. Eventually he’d dragged him away from camp to a more secluded spot to distract him.

Finn smiled. It was just that he loved Poe so much, and his life was so good, he couldn’t believe it sometimes. It took getting away for him to see it more clearly. And he knew Poe saw it too, here, away from the farm, when they could exist as just the Smith-Damerons without the weights of everyday life. When he’d met Finn’s eyes across the fire last night as they supervised s’mores crafting, Finn had been overwhelmed with it, swamped with the knowledge of his love as much as the damp sage was swamping his senses now.

As the path led him back to Poe, his pace quickened, and as he saw his target come into sight, the gorgeous cowboy walking back from the bathroom, he sprinted the last few feet and launched himself into Poe’s arms. His lips crashed down on Poe’s as Poe made a small surprised sound before dropping his bathroom bag into the dirt and wrapping his arms around Finn. Finn swept inside and tasted the mint of Poe’s toothpaste, and one of Poe’s hands slipped lower, along his back, resting just where his spine met the curve of his ass. Finn hummed into the kiss, closing his eyes and letting his other senses take over, the sweet scent of the forest heavy in his lungs, the steady beat of Poe’s heart against his hand, the soft noises their lips made together.

“Da-ads,” came Caleb’s drawn out, embarrassed whine, and Finn eased back casually.

“Something you need, Caleb?” Finn asked, voice gravelly.

Caleb's pre-teen reply was grumbled below his breath as he shuffled off to the bathroom. Finn grinned at Poe, then leaned down to pick up his bag for him. Poe kept an arm slung around his waist as they walked amiably back to their campsite.

“Was that for anything special?” Poe’s voice was low and intoxicating.

“Nope. Just love you.” Finn worked his hand into Poe’s back pocket and squeezed Poe’s ass. “So I found this waterfall on my run, and it’s pretty private…” he whispered in his husband’s ear, and watched his grin widen.


	66. Hey, I was going to eat that! - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 16  
> Crystal requested a follow up to the last ficlet - more family time and perhaps the implied waterfall smut?  
> Well that seemed like a good idea.
> 
> Year 12: July: The Smith-Damerons go camping. (Amelia/14, Caleb/10, Meghan/23, Finn/35, Poe/45)

“Dad, pass the marshmallows.” Finn arched a brow at his youngest child, and Caleb rolled his eyes. “Please,” he added.

Meghan’s thigh nudged his on the log as Finn threw the bag of marshmallows at Caleb’s head. Caleb, of course, caught it, and stuck his tongue out at Finn. Finn rolled his own eyes - yes, he was perfectly aware where Caleb had picked up the habit, thank you very much - and turned to his eldest. “He’s not even a teenager yet,” she murmured in his ear. “And you thought I was trouble.”

Finn knew she was teasing herself, but he also knew sometimes teasing could be taken too far. He settled a hand on her knee and squeezed. “Meghan, you know I never thought you were trouble.” She smiled her little smile at him and nodded. He gave her knee one last rub before moving his hand away. “I’m glad you could make it, I know getting away from the firm when you’re new is hard.”

“Well… Don’t tell Dad, but I have to sneak into town tomorrow and find an internet cafe and get some work done.”

“Honey, the first day we were here I basically had to pry his cellphone out of his hands so he wouldn’t call Snap every two minutes to remind him about something on the farm. I got a text from Snap thanking me and offering me his first born child if I could keep Poe distracted.”

Meghan snorted. “You know when the Wexleys go on vacation next month, Snap’s going to do the exact same thing. I feel bad for Chris, really, stuck in the middle of it all. Hey - you want a s’more?” Meghan stood.

“Sure. Reeses, if we have any left. Thanks, honey.”  The smoke from the campfire shifted, and Finn coughed a bit.

“You know what they say,” Poe said as he sat down on the log next to his husband with a still flaming marshmallow. “Smoke follows beauty.”

Finn just smiled and kissed Poe on the cheek. “There’s that Dameron charm.” He watched Poe pull off the crispy outer layer of the marshmallow and eat it, then stick the whole thing back in the fire to get crisp again. “Though I still say the way you eat marshmallows is an abomination.”

Poe shrugged, a lopsided smile on his face, and Finn suddenly remembered their after-the-kids-were-asleep plans and kissed him again, sweeping his tongue across Poe’s lips to taste the sugary sweet of the marshmallow. He glanced around the campfire and saw that they were mostly covered, then leaned in again to deepen the kiss. Poe’s tongue swirled around his as they shared the lingering taste. Finn grinned as he pulled back. “Actually, you’re right, that’s not so bad.” His hand squeezed Poe’s inner thigh. “You better watch out, baby, you’re burning,” Finn purred in his ear, laughing when Poe cursed and pulled the marshmallow out and blew it off.

“You’re being naughty. I’m going on the other side of the fire before you tempt me into something we can’t do for another hour or so,” Poe grumbled, but there was a smile on his face, and before he stood, he kissed Finn’s hand.

“Aww,” Meghan sighed as she sat down, placing s’more supplies around them. She was frowning, and when she talked, her voice was low and depressed. “When am I going to find someone who loves me as much as Dad obviously loves you?”

Finn slipped an arm around her shoulders as she got her marshmallow ready for the fire. “You will. I know it. But even if it doesn’t happen for awhile, Meghan, it doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person. You’re lovely, and talented, and kind to your siblings, which is more than I can say for myself and Caleb some days.”

Meghan laughed. “You’re biased.”

“Damn right I am. That’s my prerogative as your dad. Can I have a skewer?” They settled into making their s’mores and talking about Meghan’s new job and what she was working on.

Amelia surrendered to bed first, chain-yawning all the way there. Caleb promised he’d head there after one more s’more, but when he fell asleep holding a marshmallow over the fire, and it fell into the ashes, Poe gently took his skewer away and lifted him into his arms to put him in bed.

“Hey, I was going to eat that,” Caleb said reflexively before turning and burying his head in Poe’s chest, to the amusement of Meghan and Finn.

Poe came back, handing fresh beers to Meghan and Finn before opening his own. They stayed like that for awhile, nursing beers and chatting idly, enjoying the night. Meghan was staring up at the sky, though the campfire smoke obscured what stars could be seen through the tall Ponderosas that surrounded them. Poe got up to secure the food from bears and other critters, then plopped down onto Finn’s lap with a small chuckle.

“Poe Dameron, are you drunk?” Finn asked as he leaned in to nip at Poe’s neck.

“No, just happy. Okay, maybe I’m a little tipsy.” Poe glanced discreetly at Meghan, then brought Finn’s hand down to where Finn could feel an obvious bulge. “And happy,” Poe repeated breathlessly.

Finn pulled himself away from the delicious saltiness of Poe’s neck. “Go get our supplies?” he whispered, and Poe nodded and stood.

“Hey, Megs, your dad and I are going to go for a walk. Would you mind keeping an eye on the campsite for us?”

Meghan smiled as she continued to watch the sky. “No problem. I might just fall asleep right here.”

Finn stood and stretched, then smiled down at her. “Well, make sure the fire’s out before you do, hon, ‘kay?”

“You got it.”

Poe came back with the very obvious bottle of lube stuck in his back pocket, and Finn choked on a laugh at what Poe had decided was the only supply they needed. He grabbed a pack and stuffed a blanket in it, then picked up a flashlight before taking Poe’s hand and leading him away from the camp.

Despite his earlier tipsiness, Poe’s steps were steady and sure, and they walked in companionable silence, listening to the sounds of night in the forest. Finn’s flashlight illuminated just enough of the forest floor below them, the packed pine needles soft beneath their feet.

They followed the river path out of the campground, heading toward the sound of rushing water. “I know you can’t see it,” Finn murmured when they reached the waterfall. There was no one around, but he kept his voice low in reverence to the nature. “But it really is beautiful. Maybe tomorrow we can bring the kids here for a picnic and swim time.”

Poe’s hand cupped the back of his head as he kissed him then, and Finn melted into Poe’s arms. “I love you. So much. Finn.”

Finn nodded. “I know.” He gave Poe a brief kiss before laying the blanket out on the forest floor and kneeling on it, shutting off the flashlight.

Poe knelt with him, and took his hands. “You’ve had me worked up all day, ever since that kiss.”

“You have me worked up everyday,” Finn said softly, and Poe’s smile flashed in the dark.

Poe eased them down to the blanket, Finn on his back, Poe hovering over him. “And all I’ve wanted to do all day is lay you out and love on you. Can I do that now?”

“Please,” Finn breathed.

Poe started low, working Finn’s shirt up inches at a time as his lips crawled all over Finn’s stomach, lingering whenever Finn’s breath caught in his throat. When he got high enough to suck on one of Finn’s nipples, Finn helped him pull the t-shirt off completely. Finn sank his fingers into Poe’s curls, fisting there when Poe nipped at his neck, making Poe groan in appreciation. Poe’s lips finally met Finn’s, and he sank in, taking everything from Finn with the kiss - body, mind, all Poe’s now. His stubble scratched at Finn’s cheek and sent his nerve endings skittering.

Even as Poe possessed his mouth, his hand crept lower, over Finn’s stomach and down, under the waistband of Finn’s cotton shorts. He found Finn’s cock with an expert twist of his wrist, and the thought quickly passed through Finn’s head that if Poe Dameron was an expert at anything after this many years together, he was an expert at playing Finn’s body like a concert pianist. Poe’s touch now held the comfort of familiarity even as it fired Finn’s blood every time. Finn would never, ever grow tired of Poe’s hand wrapped around his cock, pumping even as his tongue mimicked the gesture in Finn’s mouth. Finn arched into Poe’s touch and moaned, the sound swallowed by Poe.

Poe broke the kiss, stopping to suck briefly at Finn’s neck before he moved down Finn’s body. He pulled Finn’s shorts and underwear down, exposing his cock to the forest air, and Finn kicked them off completely. Finn came up to his elbows, unable to resist watching Poe take his cock in his mouth every time. Poe wrapped a hand around the base to steady it, and lowered his head, his lips stretching to take Finn expertly, always. He looked up through his lashes at Finn, because he knew that slayed Finn whenever he did it. Finn had told him once, the words spilling out as he came, how much his eyes on Finn sent him over, and now Poe used it to his advantage. Not that Finn minded. It was just that he could see the pleasure so clearly in Poe’s eyes when he went down on him, like this was Poe’s happy place. Like it didn’t matter whether they were in their bed on the farm or underneath a canopy of pine, because this was where Poe wanted to be. And that was what was sexier than anything for Finn, not that Poe’s stimulation and suction on his cock weren’t mind-blowing, but that doing so gave Poe such pleasure. That he gave Poe such pleasure, just by existing. It was heady, and mind blowing, and as the power of that feeling slammed into Finn through Poe’s eyes, he arched his hips into Poe’s mouth until Poe’s nose was resting in the curls at the base of his cock, throat working over him. Finn muffled a loud groan by biting down on his fist. He wasn’t going to last long like this, and tapped on Poe’s shoulder three times, one of their signals.

Poe slid slowly up, eyes still on his, releasing Finn’s cock with a string of saliva connecting them until Poe licked his lips. “Yeah?” he asked, voice rough.

Finn gestured to the bottle of lube that had been tossed carelessly on the blanket beside them. “I’m about to explode, and I thought that meant you wanted to do something else,” Finn managed to say around heaves of breath.

Poe smiled wickedly. “Oh, you’re going to fuck me, baby. You’re going to fuck me until you come all down my throat.” Finn’s hips stuttered involuntarily at his words, and Poe’s smile turned even wickeder, somehow, before he took Finn back in his mouth. This time when he flicked his eyes up at Finn, the message was clear:  _ Fuck me. Use me. _

Finn groaned, not hiding it this time as he slid his hand into Poe’s hair and fisted it, Poe’s eyes fluttering a bit in ecstasy. He guided Poe’s head back down slowly at first, just to make sure Poe was ready, before gradually picking up speed with his hips and his hand, fucking Poe’s throat in earnest. Below him, Poe’s eyes had closed now, overwhelmed by his own pleasure, and there were tears there. The first time that had happened, the first time they’d done this, that had freaked Finn out and he’d stopped and wrapped Poe in his arms, asking what he’d done wrong. Now he knew it was part of Poe’s process, part of the release of Poe’s emotions that he couldn’t or wouldn’t do around anyone else. Poe’s fingers were digging into his hips, and he figured he’d carry bruises tomorrow and he just couldn’t find it within himself to care. The biting pain took him that much higher, and he thrust, stilling Poe’s head as he came, watching Poe’s throat work to swallow it all. He released Poe’s hair and collapsed back onto the blanket, breathless, aftershocks still rolling through him.

He felt his cock slip from Poe’s mouth, and Poe crawled up to him, kissing him, sharing the taste of him. As the thundering of his heart settled, he noticed that Poe’s lower half was rutting slowly against his bare thigh and he turned to his side, pushing Poe onto his back. He swept away the tears clinging to Poe’s eyelashes and kissed them tenderly. “My turn,” he whispered, working quickly to undress Poe. His underwear was soaked with precum, his cock red and slick when Finn finally released it. “Poor baby,” Finn murmured as he stroked it and Poe’s hips stuttered. “Such a good, patient man.” Poe’s eyes fluttered closed at the praise as he sighed. Finn reached for the lube and slicked up his fingers. “I think you deserve to be fucked again, hmm?”

At the first touch to Poe’s rim, Poe’s eyes opened wide again, and his hands clutched into the blanket as his hips pushed against Finn’s finger. “Yes, yes please,” he mumbled.

Finn reached for one of Poe’s clutching hands and brought it up to Poe’s own cock. “Stroke yourself for me, you do it so good, baby.” He murmured praise again as Poe followed his instruction, then turned his attention back to Poe’s rim. He worked his finger in easily, stretching the tight ring of muscles enough for two fingers. Above him, Poe squeezed the base of his cock, stopping himself from coming. “Good. That’s right, Poe. You’re going to come when I tell you to.” Poe moaned and bit down on his lip, squeezing again before tentatively beginning to slide his hand over his cock. Below, Finn watched his two fingers pump in and out of Poe. He added more lube, then pushed a third finger in, scissoring them inside Poe’s warm walls, stretching and curling until he heard the sudden intake of breath that meant he’d found Poe’s prostate. Poe shuddered, squeezing at the base again. “You can do it, Poe. You can hold back.”

He stilled his fingers until Poe was able to start on his cock once more. Satisfied that Poe could hold off a little longer, Finn dipped his head, working the tip of his tongue past Poe’s rim as he continued to fuck his fingers inside him. Above him, Poe moaned loudly into the forest, and an owl hooted in annoyance. Finn heard the flap of wings and figured they’d annoyed it by driving its prey away.

“Please, Finn, please, please,” Poe said, holding the base of his cock, face tight with both pleasure and frustration.

Finn moved his mouth away. “Do it, Poe. Come for me, baby.” He resumed his position, thrusting his tongue inside and rolling his fingers over Poe’s prostate as Poe stroked once, twice, before shooting come all over his fist and up his stomach.

“Fuck,” Poe said as he shuddered and collapsed onto the blanket. Finn wiped his fingers on his discarded t-shirt and used it to clean Poe up before laying down beside him and cuddling in. Poe wrapped his arm around Finn’s shoulders as Finn laid his head on Poe’s chest and listened to his heartbeat return to normal. “Thanks for convincing me to take a vacation, baby,” Poe murmured into his hair.

Finn turned his head to place a kiss on Poe’s heart. “It has absolutely been my pleasure.”


	67. Mix it up: Mary and Meghan - rated M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rated M for discussion of sex and body parts  
>  CW: Discussion of gender confirmation surgery, gender dysphoria, and transphobia
> 
> Meghan is 24 in this fic and Mary is somewhere in her late 30s. 
> 
> Year 13: Amelia/15, Caleb/11, Meghan/24, Finn/36, Poe/45

There was a brief knock on her apartment door, then the sound of a key, and then the bustle of noise that always surrounded Mary had pushed her way in. “Okay, chica, emergency reinforcements are here. I’ve got cookie dough ice cream, Fury Road because fuck men, and a stupidly large Papa Murphy’s chicken bacon artichoke.”

Meghan had texted Mary earlier because all she’d wanted to do was burrow and wallow, or maybe run away, and she knew not to follow those impulses. Now, however, Mary seemed too bright, too upbeat. She groaned on the couch and threw the afghan up over her face.

Mary seemed to understand, though, and bopped into the kitchen, humming and chattering to Meghan without expecting a reply. By the time the pizza was in the oven, Meghan had been caught up on not only Mary and Edgar’s current lives - which mostly centered around their many nieces and nephews, Mary and Edgar having chosen not to have children of their own - but also her dads, Amelia, Caleb, the farm, the new construction on Market, and how it was making everything a bitch during rush hour, and how they were thinking about moving out to Independence anyway since they were friends with everyone on the farm and the country seemed nice but then again they’d be farther away from their families - and their sobrinos.

Meghan’s head was reeling a little bit, but she wasn’t thinking about Chad, either, so that was good.

“Where are we at in this process?” Mary plopped down beside her on the couch and pulled the afghan down. “Have we gotten absolutely blasted on sugary alcoholic beverages yet?”

“That sounds...not fun.”

“Well of course it’s not fun, but it takes your mind off the break up. Believe me, I did this many times before I met the best man in the world and snatched him off the market.”

“I’m never going to find an Edgar,” Meghan moaned, feeling sorry for herself. What was that about avoiding burrowing and wallowing?

“Mmm. Well. You’re only 24.”

“How old were you when you found Edgar?”

“Like, 27, I think? Shit, how long have we been together?” Mary sat back, her arms folded over her chest, and hummed while she thought about it.

“I’m not going to find an Edgar in the next three years, then.”

“So? Your dads didn’t meet until Poe was 34. Hey, my older sister Lucia? Met her babydoll and got married when she was 45!”

“That’s almost literally double my age!”

“Chica, it is going to be _okay._ There’s no rush. What, did you want to marry this guy, anyway?”

Meghan felt like she might throw up. “I mean. I don’t know. Maybe. Not now, obviously, not after he told me…” She trailed off, picking at the edge of the afghan.

“What did that motherfucker tell you? Am I going to need to round up the posse?”

“No, god, please, no, don’t tell my dads.”

Mary covered her hand, squeezed it. “What did he say?” she asked more gently.

“He didn’t- he couldn’t- Oh god, this is embarrassing.”

“Come on, Megs, you can tell your Auntie Mary.” She opened her arms, and Meghan fell into them, burrowing into her chest, feeling like she was about 10 years old again. Nevermind that she hadn’t had Mary, or anyone, to bury her face in, when she had been 10.

“He didn’t find me sexy. He didn’t- I mean, he did, when everything was, um, covered up, but then, during sex - too many dicks-”

Mary stroked over her hair. “That motherfucker. Have you ever met a Chad that wasn’t a motherfucker? I mean, they probably exist, but they’re like, a rarity.”

Meghan couldn’t help but laugh a little, even as she soaked Mary’s shirt with tears.

“There weren’t too many dicks in the bedroom, babe, there was just one _massive_ one that was getting in his way.” She paused. “It’s him, he’s the massive dick.”

“Yeah, I got it,” Meghan replied with a watery laugh. She sobered, her fingers clutching into Mary’s sweater. “How, though? It’s so fucking _hard._ It’s not _fair._ In the pie graph of humanity I have to find someone who likes me for me, who doesn’t fetishize me, and who won’t attack me because they’re expecting something else down there and liking me made them a ‘homo’. It’s like, the narrowest slice of pie on the chart.”

“It’s not fair, sweetie.” Mary’s voice was totally serious now, and she pressed a kiss into Meghan’s hair. “It’s not fair at all. I’m sorry.”

She let Mary stroke through her hair like that for awhile, Mary humming something soothing.

“Shall I put in Furiosa so we can watch some kick ass ladies kill all those dicks?”

“Mhmm.”

She felt Mary’s smile against her forehead, and she let her up to grab the pizza from the oven and pop the dvd in. They snuggled back in together, both tucked under the afghan, to enjoy watching toxic masculinity get destroyed.

As the credits rolled, Meghan leaned her head into Mary’s shoulder. “There’s a surgery I could get.”

“Mm?”

“To, uh. Rearrange everything down there, so to speak. Gender confirmation surgery.”

“Are you just thinking about this because of Chad?”

“I-” Meghan sighed. “I don’t have a great answer for that. Which is why my therapist says I should wait.”

“That seems...reasonable.”

“I just hate it, Mary. I hate it so much. Every time I have to use it, to pee, or whatever, masturbate...I just hate it.”

“I’m so sorry, Meghan,” Mary replied, wrapping her arms around Meghan and pulling her in for a tight hug.

“It’s expensive, anyway. But I made a savings account for it. Set up an auto transfer. It won’t be enough for the initial fee for a few years, anyway, so I kind of already have something to keep me from making a rash decision.”

“That’s good. Very adult. I like that.” She was carding her fingers through Meghan’s hair again. “But someday, whether you get this surgery or not, you will find someone who wants you for you. Who thinks you’re sexy, however your body is. Everyone is sexy to somebody. So if the surgery makes you feel better about yourself because you don’t have to confront this piece of your body that you hate every time you have to go to the bathroom, well, I think that sounds amazing.” She paused. “I say, of course, as a cis person. So, you know.”

“Yeah.” Meghan pushed herself up to meet Mary’s eyes. “But thank you.” She tried a smile. “I think I’m ready for that ice cream. No sugary alcoholic drinks, though, please. I don’t actually want to throw up.”

“Aww, come on, it’s like a dumpee rite of passage.” Mary grinned, cupping Meghan’s cheeks gently and smacking a big kiss on her forehead. “You’re just no fun, Megs. But, if you insist, then hey, Edgar’s going to be ecstatic, because I don’t exactly recover from hangovers like I used to, you know. I swear, my thirties are amazing, but that part sucks. Ah well, I’ll take the increased sex drive.” She winked at Meghan. “I love you, chica.”

“I love you, too, Auntie,” Meghan said with a grin.


	68. The Luckey Jacket: Amelia - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This first appeared in The Lucky Jacket as chapter 2. It contains spoilers for Amelia's future husband. 
> 
> Year 15: May: Amelia’s prom (lucky jacket #2) (Amelia/17, Caleb/12, Meghan/26, Finn/38, Poe/47

Prom was not turning out how Amelia had wanted it to. Not, she thought as she wiped the tears from her eyes and surely smudged her makeup,  _ at all _ .

Molly had left with her parents two days ago to deal with her grandfather’s death and attend the funeral. Amelia had no resentment about that, of course, but the thing was, none of this would have happened if Molly had been around. Molly would have been able to convince people  _ not  _ to go to the party. Or she would have gone home with Amelia and they would have stayed up all night gossiping, or something.

Instead, she’d been dateless (technically, both she and Molly had been dateless, and planned to attend together, and that made it a little less like being dateless), and feeling vulnerable, and disappointed in the whole thing. And now she was stuck at a party with people she didn’t really know, and there was drinking, and everything in her was screaming  _ This is not a good situation, Amelia Mae. Get the fuck out.  _ And her dads had always told her to listen to her gut.

When an especially creepy guy hit on her (what the  _ fuck  _ was it with some people and thinking she was  _ exotic  _ and...and  _ sexy,  _ or something, just because she was of Asian descent?) and handed her a drink, she feigned taking a drink and pretended to be nice, then made an excuse to go to the bathroom and pour the drink down the sink. And then she’d sat down on the toilet and felt sorry for herself. And then, like the Smith-Dameron she was, she pulled out her cellphone and called for backup.

And when backup arrived in the form of three cowboys and a lawyer piling out of a pickup, Amelia felt safe leaving the bathroom. By way of the window. Because she was a Smith-Dameron.

It was one of those spring days were it had just decided to  _ pour  _ rain, and she was soaked by the time she was safe in between Poe, Finn, Snap and Chris. Finn pulled off his leather jacket and helped her into it, covering up her bare shoulders, and they all piled back in the truck, Amelia wedged in between Poe and Finn in the front. “Thanks, guys. I- um- I’m sorry.”

Finn pulled her close while Poe drove. He pressed a kiss to her temple, and pulled the leather jacket tighter around her. “It’s okay, sweet pea. We’re glad you called us, and glad we didn’t need all that backup anyway.”

“I, for one, am a little pissed that I didn’t get to beat anyone’s face in. I guess there’s always Sophie’s prom,” Snap teased from behind her.

Amelia gave a half-laugh, half-sob, accepting Finn’s hug. “It just wasn’t like I thought it would be, at all.”

Poe’s hand patted her knee as Finn murmured against her hair. “I promise, honey, that one day, you are going to meet someone who’s not going to have to rely on a spiked drink to get you to like them.”

“And you were smart.” Chris’ Texas accent flowed out of the back seat like honey. “You’re never going to be anyone’s victim, Amelia.”

She could feel Finn’s nod, and she smiled a little, tremulously. “Thanks,” she whispered, burrowing further into the leather jacket that smelled like home.

\-----------------------------------

“It’s lucky, see? That’s why I want you to wear it at the dress rehearsal. As our ‘something old.’ Plus it looks good on you.”

Eli smiled down at her, his beautiful soon-to-be bride, and nodded easily. “I’d love to, Amelia-mine. Although I’m already pretty damn lucky.”


	69. Just Once - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 7.  
> Amelia knows moving away to college is going to be hard, so she pushes herself to make new friends.  
> "Just once." was the prompt.
> 
> Year 16, September: (Amelia/18, Eli/20, Caleb/14, Meghan/27, Chris/34, Finn/40, Poe/49)

Class officially started in a day, but she'd already ordered her ebooks, mapped out her walking route, and had a bittersweet goodbye lunch with her dads and Caleb. At first, she thought her dads were being silly and overprotective; after all, she was only going to be an hour away. And she knew she and Daddy-Finn would be texting all the time. But when they'd pulled away from her dorm, waving, Amelia realized that for the first time since she was an orphan, she was on her own. Nobody had her back. She was torn between excitement and trepidation.

Her social anxiety hadn't really gotten better over the years, but it hadn't gotten worse either. Molly, who was off attending some small private liberal arts college in the Midwest, had made Amelia promise that she was going to try new things. “New things suck without you,” Amelia had whined, pulling her best friend in for a hug before she left for PDX and her flight.

Molly had squeezed her hard, and patted her head. “I want you to promise me you’ll give new people chances to get to know how awesome you are, Amelia Mae. Without throwing up on their shoes.”

“Never going to live that down, am I?”

Molly gave her one last quick hug. “I promise we’ll text.” She slid into her parent’s car, and watched them drive away, waving. Less than a week later, her family was driving away from her too, and Amelia was struggling with feeling alone.

So, it was because she knew her dads were worried about her, and because Molly would want her to, that Amelia signed up for her dorm’s bike ride around Eugene. Her roommate, while nice, apparently had come to campus with friends. Amelia gulped thinking of trying to fit in with not one but three people all at once. Three people with inside jokes and shared pasts. That was definitely cheating, Amelia decided. So she'd declined their invitation to go get pizza.

“Have you ever ridden before?” her RA Karina asked, handing her a helmet.

“Just once.” Amelia winced. “I'm a farm kid, we didn't have much in the way of sidewalks. And I pretty much rode my horse everywhere.”

“Oh my gosh, you have a horse! You're so lucky!” Karina gushed. “Well let's get you up on a bike, see if you remember the basics.”

“They don't say “like riding a bike” for nothing, right?” Amelia climbed on, pedaling experimentally. The only thing that was different was that, when she'd tried Molly’s bike years ago, it had had foot brakes, and these had hand brakes, and multiple gears. After a few wobbly minutes, though, Amelia picked it up again, like she always did the physical stuff.

They rode out in small groups to avoid clogging the roads, and Amelia was paired with a girl equally as quiet as her, Marian. The silence was companionable as they rode, though.

They were rounding a corner when it happened. Amelia braked to take the corner, but forgot she didn't have foot brakes, lost control of the bike, and ended up jumping the curb and crashing into a tree in front of someone’s house. She heard a “Shit!” and honestly didn't know if it came from herself or someone else as she lay there, slightly dazed and trying to assess the damage.

“Hey, are you okay?” That was definitely someone else. A male voice. Amelia heard feet rushing to her even as Marian and a strange guy came into her vision.

She felt pain in her leg, and winced. If she'd broken it again, the day before classes started… She struggled to sit up, but the guy gently put a hand in her shoulder. “Wait, is it okay if I check for broken bones?”

Amelia took in the guy for the first time. To be honest, he was kind of nerdy looking, springy dirty blonde hair cropped close to his head, large black glasses that might have looked hipsterish on another guy, but looked genuine on him. Attractive nerdy, Amelia decided. She glanced over at Marian, who shrugged.

“Um, sure, my leg hurts,” Amelia replied, lying back. “Do you have a lot of experience with bike related injuries?” She wasn't sure where the teasing statement had come from; the only thing she could blame it on was the lingering daze from the crash.

“I'm pre-med,” he said, efficiently running light hands over her arms. When he got to her legs, however, he paused. “Well shit.”

“What?” Amelia started to sit up, alarm evident in her voice.

“Something, the gear chains probably? Tore up your calf.” He whipped off his shirt, revealing a skinny chest and arms, muscles definitely present but not prominent. When he put the shirt against her calf, she winced, and he smiled up at her sympathetically. “Sorry, just want to stop the bleeding.”

“I know that,” she said, unsure why she felt defensive.

“Right,” he replied, looking away.

“Sorry. And thank you,” Amelia responded, contrite.

“It's okay, you're not exactly having the best day of your life.” He lifted away the shirt, and Amelia watched him examine the wound with care. “I don't think you need stitches, but I could clean it and bandage it, if you want to come inside.” He nodded up at the house whose lawn she'd crashed on.

Amelia turned to look, then gulped when she saw the Greek letters on the side. She was excited about University of Oregon, but she'd been anxious about the Greek system. Frats, especially, made her nervous, if movies and news stories were anything to go by. “Um… Marian, would you come with me?”

“Sure,” the other girl replied.

“Hi, I'm Eli.” He stood, then offered her both of his hands to help pull her up. When they stood together, she realized he was close to her height. Just slightly taller than her, like she could rest her head on his shoulder. She blushed.  


“Amelia. Hi.” She held out a hand, and he took it, shaking lightly. “This is Marian.” She tried to take a step toward the house, and her injured calf protested.

“Do you mind if I,” Eli said, slipping an arm around her waist to hold her upright.

“No, that's fine,” she replied, as Marian went ahead of them to open the door.

“Welcome to Alpha Epsilon Pi,” Eli said, gesturing with his free arm.

Amelia had been expecting more Solo cups, or maybe a keg just right there in the hallway. She could tell this was a place where boys lived, but she was pleasantly surprised to see no indication of the atmosphere from that old Animal House movie Daddy-Poe liked to watch.

He led her to the kitchen, and there was where she found the most evidence: a fridge topped with liquor bottles, and a sink full of dirty dishes. But really, none of it was as bad as she’d been expecting.  Eli helped her sit, and Eli hurried off to get supplies.

“I’ll have to admit, I didn’t think I’d end up in a frat house before school even started,” Marian said quietly. “Okay, actually, I didn’t plan on ever ending up in a frat house, I’m kind of a “stay in my room, watching Dr. Who” kind of girl.”

Amelia smiled at her. “Me either. Thanks for coming in with me.”

Marian shrugged like it was no big deal. “What floor are you on?”

“The 5th, you?”

Marian’s eyes lit up in surprise. “Oh, me too!  What room?” They figured out they were on opposite sides of the building.

Amelia decided to make Molly proud of her. “Want to eat dinner together at the dining hall tonight?”

Marian smiled back. “I’d like that.”

They were interrupted when Eli returned efficiently, reclothed, and sat on the floor, pulling Amelia’s leg gently into his lap. He further startled her expectations when he took care of the wound quickly, without making her feel uncomfortable about the fact that he had access to her mostly bare leg.

“Thanks, Eli. You’ll make a good doctor.” Amelia pulled her leg back, and found she could now stand and walk. She pointed to the bloody shirt. “Get that in cold water right away.”

“Right, thanks. Uh, you need a ride back to...wherever?”

Amelia smiled, but brushed him off. “No, that’s okay, I can walk my bike back to campus.”

“Oh, you’re heading to campus? I need to get some supplies at the bookstore. Mind if I walk back with you?”

Amelia blushed, exchanging a look with Marian, who raised her eyebrows. “Uh, sure.”

“Great! I’ll meet you out front, I just need to get my wallet and keys.”

Eli rushed out of the kitchen again, and Amelia began limping to the front door, Marian by her side. “I think he  _ likes  _ you,” Marian whispered near her ear.

Amelia wasn’t sure she could get any redder. “I think he’s just being  _ nice.” _

“Mmm, you could be right.”

\-------------------------

“Eli walked my bike all the way back to campus. I’d love to say I knew that day, like my dads say about their first day.” Amelia lifted her glass and nodded at her fathers, seated right in front, both crying already, and the wedding wasn’t even until tomorrow. Daddy-Finn brushed a tear away and gave her a little wave. “Eli will tell you I made it hard for him.” She bumped her hip into Eli’s shoulder, and he smiled up at her from the table.

“It was worth every frustrating minute, Amelia-mine.” He kissed her wrist without disturbing her drink, and Amelia melted a little.

“But there’s no doubt in my heart now, Eli Cohen.” She sat quickly, glad to have her speech over with, and passed the mic off to Eli.

He leaned over to place a kiss under her ear. “Good job, Ames. I knew you’d get through it.” She smiled at him gratefully, her heart still pounding as he rose. “Amelia tasked me with doling out the thank yous, so of course, thank you to everyone for making it here tonight. If everything tomorrow goes as well as tonight, we’re going to have the best day of our lives.”

“Don’t jinx it!” Caleb called out, and everyone laughed.

Eli smiled and looked down at Amelia. “It’ll never be anything but. So I know I should give generic thank yous, but I’ll come back to that. I’d like to single out Amelia’s dads, Finn Smith and Poe Dameron. When I first learned Amelia had two dads, I thought, ‘Shit, two people to kick my ass if Amelia calls for it.’” The small group laughed again, and Poe raised an eyebrow at Eli teasingly. “I learned rather quickly that Amelia can kick ass for herself. But loving Amelia means you get to join the long line of people willing to do anything for her, the line headed by Poe and Finn, followed closely by Meghan and Caleb. Thank you, Finn and Poe, for bringing the Smith-Damerons into existence. I’m so happy to be joining you guys.”

Amelia leaned into Eli’s side, tears threatening to ruin her makeup, as she blew a kiss to her fathers.


	70. Before you murder me, let me explain - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First appeared in Out of Time as chapter 13.  
> This is July of year 18 of the universe: (Amelia/20, Eli/22, Caleb/16, Meghan/29, Finn/41, Poe/51).  
> CW: Mentions of possible suicide, overdose, or alcohol poisoning

_ Shit. Shit shit shit shit shiiiiiit. _ Caleb glanced at the dashboard clock. Late for curfew by almost an hour. And his phone was dead, because he’d forgotten to charge it last night. His dads were going to kill him. And then he’d get the lecture about how his sisters had never caused this much trouble, which he knew was a damn lie because Meghan had pulled him aside after a heated exchange during a family dinner and told him she’d run away from them twice. He’d quieted as she’d talked to him, then whispered back to her that she’d just been doing what she needed to do to survive.  _ The first time, _ she’d admitted.  _ I think they like to forget about the second time because I was still…working stuff out in my head.  _ She’d smiled at him, his cool older sister who’d always seemed so mature. Thirteen years older than him, and a world of different experiences. He’d always envied her, growing up.

Caleb glanced at the boy passed out in his passenger seat. He was doing the right thing now. If his dads got mad at him for that, well, he’d just have to deal with their wrath later.

He screeched to a halt in front of the Emergency doors and scrambled out of the cab of his dad’s old pickup. He hauled Charlie up in his arms and hurried inside, calling out for help along the way. A nurse took one glance at the situation and found Caleb a bed. As soon as he knew he had an ear, he began babbling out the story as he knew it - Charlie was his best friend, Charlie had gone to a party without Caleb’s knowledge. Caleb had been alerted that Charlie had passed out, and Caleb knew Charlie took medication for depression, and when he’d gotten there, Caleb had found his medication on him, the bottle partially empty, and his breathing was so shallow that Caleb knew it was an emergency, but he also knew he could get Charlie here faster than the ambulance could get to the country house where the party was at.

A strong set of hands began to pull him away from Charlie’s bed as a pair of nurses worked with him. Caleb glanced up to see a large male nurse gently urging him away from the bed. “I’m sorry, man, but we need to let them work now, okay?”

Caleb nodded.

“Do you have a number for Charlie’s parents? Or their names?” The nurse pulled out a pad of paper.

“Yeah,” Caleb mumbled, rattling the numbers off automatically. It was a stupid party trick of his, being able to memorize number sequences quickly. Stupid and useless, as he hated math, but at least it was coming in handy now.

“How old are you?”

“Sixteen,” Caleb replied, trembling.

“You did a good thing, son. Do you have parents you can call for yourself?”

“I, uh, yeah, I do, but my phone is dead.”

The nurse led him to the nursing station, where he picked up the phone with a shaky hand. The phone barely rang before Poe picked up, and Caleb could detect the note of panic in his dad’s voice. “Hello?”

“Dad, it’s me.”

He heard rustling on the other end of the line, and figured he was being put onto speakerphone. This was confirmed when he heard Finn’s worried voice. “Caleb, why are you calling from the Salem Hospital? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” He heard Poe make a comforting noise, and he could just see him stroking down Finn’s arm the way he always did when Finn’s anxiety came to the forefront.

“Before you murder me, please let me explain,” Caleb said, and he noticed one of the nurses glance his way. He turned, realizing his face was wet from tears.

“We won’t murder you, Caleb, if you’re alright. Can you tell us you’re alright, honey?”

“It’s Charlie.” Caleb’s voice got quiet as the tears crept in. “I think he tried to kill himself, or he overdosed, or he got alcohol poisoning but I- I- I don’t know what’s happening with him because they won’t let me be back there with him.” The sob came out before Caleb could stop it. “And I want to wait here but I don’t want to be alone, Dad. Daddy.”

“We’re already on our way, buddy. Your dad is getting the car started. We’ll be right there, okay? We’re going to be with you soon. Can you wait for us? Can you be strong, Caleb?”

“Yeah,” he replied shakily. “Yeah.” He hung up and shuffled to the waiting room, staring blankly at the bland beige wallpaper.

He talked briefly with Charlie’s parents as they rushed in and were shown to an observation area. A short time later, he was approached by two officers, one male and one female, and he tried to tamp down on the fine edge of panic that coursed through him, but he still gulped visibly.

“Are you the kid that brought in the minor in possession of alcohol?” The male officer’s voice was gruff and official sounding.

He nodded, back ramrod straight, making sure not to make any false moves. How many times had he sat through his dads’ lectures on safety around cops?

“We need to ask you some questions about the incident.”

Caleb had opened his mouth to say, ‘okay,’ when something caught his eye and he saw his dads walk in the door. At the sight of the officers, Finn pulled up short, then Caleb saw what he called “Dad’s lawyer face” take over as he strode to the officers, Poe’s hand firmly gripped in his.

“Hello, officers. We’re Caleb’s parents, but I’m sure you weren’t questioning a minor without parental consent, right?” Finn’s voice was cool, and Caleb sat up straighter still.

The female officer relaxed her stance. “Finn Smith.”

Finn narrowed his eyes a little before they widened again. “Rosaria. Or I guess it’s Officer Cabrera now?”

“Just graduated the academy in March. I’ll have to tell mama I saw you. We were just about to ask your son for his information to be able to contact you.”

Caleb watched as everyone in the group visibly relaxed. Finn and Poe flanked him, sitting in the chairs on either side of him. “I’d like to talk to my son privately first. May I do so?” Finn asked with authority.

Officer Cabrera’s partner furrowed his brows, but they both nodded and stepped away.

“Okay, Caleb, I need you to tell me the truth so I can figure out how we’re going to do this,” Finn said efficiently, and Caleb widened his eyes. He’d never heard his dad speak to him like this. He nodded once, comforted by Poe’s arm around his back. “Did you anything tonight that would be illegal? Drink anything?”

“No, I was at Georgie’s until she got the text about Charlie. I wasn’t even at that damned house for more than five minutes.” It burned a little that Finn had asked, that his dad didn’t trust him, even when the logical part of his brain knew that Finn was just trying to protect him. Finn nodded, once, and called the officers over, and Caleb realized that his dad was trusting his word, and felt a little more gratified.

The officers asked their questions, sometimes filtered through Finn to correct the wording, sometimes asked directly to Caleb. Yes, he knew where the party was and who was throwing it. Yes, it was common knowledge that there was going to be alcohol at the party. No, he hadn’t been at the party until he’d gotten the text about Charlie. No, he hadn’t had anything to drink. Yes, he’d be willing to take a breathalyzer test.  _ (‘Is that really necessary?’ Finn had interjected, and the officers had backed off about it.) _ When they’d finally exhausted their questions, they left the Smith-Damerons alone in the waiting room.

Finn wrapped his arms fiercely and tightly around Caleb, and Poe followed suit. “I’m so proud of you,” Poe whispered. “You did everything exactly like you should have.”

“We’re so, so proud of you, Caleb,” Finn echoed, and Caleb shook in his dads’ embrace.

“I don’t know why he did it, why would he do it?” Caleb’s voice came out cracked and broken.

Finn’s hand was rubbing up and down his back. “We don’t know what he did yet, Cay-cay, so we can’t speculate on why.”

Caleb dislodged one of his trapped arms so he could wipe at the tears on his face. “I think I love him,” he whispered.

“Oh, honey,” Poe murmured back, squeezing him in tighter.

“He’s just. He’s my Charlie, you know? I don’t even know why he went to that. That’s not our scene. Coach would give us both hell. If he makes it, is he going to get kicked off the baseball team? He lives for baseball. What’s he going to do without it?”

Poe took one of his hands. “Can I tell you something I have to tell your father a lot?” At Caleb’s nod, he continued, “We can’t think about getting through anything but this moment right now, because the future is uncertain. Tonight, we focus on sending our positive thoughts to Charlie and his family. That’s what we can do, okay?”

Caleb nodded, running a hand over the neat cornrows he kept for baseball season and summer.

Finn’s hand squeezed his knee. “I’m so glad you didn’t go to that party.”

Caleb made a derisive noise. “Preston’s an asshole. I hope Officer Cabrera skewers him. I mean, not literally. But-” His gaze slid away to the tile floor. “I saw Preston intentionally soak a street person with a splash from a huge puddle with that stupid luxury car of his.” Caleb’s fists clenched. “So I hope this is a disaster for him.”

He felt Poe place a kiss on his braids. “That’s not one of our worries now, okay?” Poe paused. “But I hope you’re right,” he finished, his voice a low growl.

Finn reached around Caleb to rub Poe’s back, and Caleb let his head fall on Finn’s shoulder, feeling safe in their arms.


	71. Hey, I'm with you, okay? Always. - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I realized I left us on a bit of a cliffhanger regarding Charlie's health and the Caleb/Charlie relationship yesterday, so I wanted to rectify that immediately. No one likes a cliffhanger!
> 
> CW: mentions of overdose and bad ways of dealing with depression. A character with depression uses unflattering terms to talk about his disease. This is not how *I* think of depression or people with depression.
> 
> This is July of year 18 of the universe: (Amelia/20, Eli/22, Caleb/16, Meghan/29, Finn/41, Poe/51).

They’d been waiting several hours before Charlie’s father emerged from the doors, a frown on his face. Caleb jolted to his feet, Poe and Finn more slowly behind him, each of them taking one of his hands.

“Charlie? Is he…” Caleb trailed off, unsure of how he wanted to complete that sentence.

“They pumped his stomach. He’s recovering. It looked like a combination of meds and alcohol. He hasn’t woken up yet, but the doctors say he will soon.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, smoothing out his bushy mustache. “The officers said you went to the party to save him, so thank you for that, Caleb. Do you happen to know if anything happened tonight before he went?”

Caleb held his gaze and shook his head as guilt swamped him. Charlie’s father nodded, and turned back around. “Once he wakes up, when he gets some time with us, I’ll try to come get you, okay?”

“Okay.” Caleb hated how small his voice sounded. He collapsed back into the chair, pulling his hands from his dads’ so he could lean over and bury his face in them. He felt two warm hands on his back, and tried not to cry.  _ Is this all my fault? _

\-----------------

The day before:

Caleb was tapping his foot unconsciously and looking at Poe with a begging look. “Please, Dad? I’ve worked all morning. The market building is ready for tomorrow. Can I  _ please _ have the afternoon off?”

Poe rolled his eyes and grinned. “Ah, to be sixteen again with the sun shining and school out. Let Chris know you’re leaving, okay, just in case he needs to adjust someone around. And that means we have you all day tomorrow for market day, right?”

Caleb refrained from pumping his fist. “Yes. Yes! Thank you, Dad!” Poe held up a fist and Caleb bumped it.

“Hey, just text us every once and awhile, okay? Let us know if you’re going someplace else?”

“Da-ad.” Caleb hadn’t meant to sound whiny, he really hadn’t, and he winced when it came out that way.

Poe reached out to ruffle his hair, even though it was all caught up neatly in braids. “Gotta say, I miss the ‘fro, buddy.” His hand stilled, and he got serious. “People die in the river every year, Caleb. And you know how your dad worries. All I’m asking is that you give us a little peace of mind. And respect Mother Nature above all else when you’re out there, okay?”

“Yes, Dad,” Caleb grumbled, mostly because it was his duty to do so as a teenager. He turned to start his search for Chris.

“Hey,” Poe called, and Caleb looked back at him. “Say hi to Charlie for me. And your dad would say to tell him he’s due for dinner one of these nights.”

Caleb grinned. “Right, I’ll tell him.”

\----------------

Caleb found Charlie at the batting cages by his house.  _ Screw off season _ , Charlie had once told him.  _ There is no off season.  _ He hoped to make it onto an NCAA team - his dream was Oregon State, but he was flexible. Caleb figured if anyone on their high school’s team had a shot, it was Charlie, and now that they were going to be juniors, the scouts would start coming around. Caleb admired his swing as Charlie hit a line drive into the net. His form was damn near perfect, Caleb mused. He should finagle Charlie into some lessons. 

Baseball wasn’t Caleb’s passion, necessarily. He was a three-sport kid: cross country in the fall (even if Finn hadn’t objected to the violence of football, Caleb didn’t find it stimulating), basketball in the winter, and baseball in the spring. As far as his body was concerned, he probably liked cross country the best - there was just something about running out in the wild, not confined to the track, all alone, and looking to beat yourself to win more than beating anyone else. But Charlie made baseball  _ fun  _ in a way that almost nothing else was. He’d met Charlie his freshman year when they’d both gone out for, and made, the JV baseball team, and ended up sitting next to him on one of the long bus drives to an away game. They’d shared music, and chatted, and Caleb had made a new best friend out of the season, even if they’d lost most of their games.

Caleb leaned against the fence and took the simple pleasure of watching Charlie hit a dozen more balls before the machine wound down. The human form, when performing something expertly, was just so appealing, Caleb thought.

“Hey, dude, you ready to swim?” Caleb called, and Charlie pulled off his helmet, shaking the sweat off of his short blonde hair.

“Oh yeah, I am so ready,” Charlie replied lightly, stripping off his batting gloves and stuffing his gear in his bag. “Who else is coming?”

“I don’t know, I put out a text, but a bunch of people went up to Portland today. And summer league basketball has a tournament in Pendleton,” Caleb answered, as Charlie heaved his bag into the truck bed and swung into the cab.

“Oh well, their loss, right?”

It did end up being only the two of them, as they both stripped down to their swim trunks and waded in. “I can’t believe we have this place to ourselves!” Caleb yelled, just to hear it echo. He dipped all the way in, shivering in pleasure at the contrast between the cool water and the warm sun beating down on the river. Charlie bobbed up beside him and they let themselves just float with the current for a bit, down to where some enterprising teen had tied the rope eons ago.

“Last one to the rope is as a loser,” Charlie called, shoving Caleb’s head playfully underwater and swimming for shore. Caleb recovered quickly and scrambled after him, catching up enough to pull at Charlie’s foot, but Charlie pulled away and made it to the bank and the rope seconds before Caleb. He swung out, crashing in the water with a tarzan yell as Caleb laughed.

When he emerged, Caleb took the rope and called out, “You better watch out, I’m coming for you,” before swinging out and landing expertly right next to Charlie. He bobbed up, grinning wide, but Charlie was already on him, and they wrestled in the water, laughing like loons.

A slapping sound nearby made both of them pause, and they turned to see a beaver on the other side of the river, slapping its tail against the water at them angrily. This made them laugh more, but when they quieted, Caleb realized his legs were still wrapped around Charlie’s waist, and below the waist, they were ground rather awkwardly together. Charlie met his eyes, and Caleb registered alarm there.

“Oops,” Caleb breathed out, releasing his legs and swimming away, dipping his head in the water to cool his cheeks down. Charlie didn’t follow for a few minutes, and that was probably for the best, right?

Caleb had known for awhile that he was bi. Although he didn’t have to hide it from his family, obviously, he wasn’t exactly out at school. He didn’t want to make it weird in the locker room. So yeah, he’d known he was bi since Amelia had started watching Teen Mermaid in middle school and he’d grudgingly watched with her, because she was older and got to decide what to watch, and he’d realized he wasn’t sure exactly who he was attracted to more in the young, extremely good looking cast. In the end, he and Amelia had obsessed together over the male members, reading fanfic and shipping characters, but he’d always had a thing for Princess Aja too.

He’d never considered the idea that he was attracted to his best friend, though. Not until his legs had been locked around Charlie’s waist and their mouths had been inches apart and he’d been looking into the piercing blue of Charlie’s eyes and-  _ thank God I’m in cold water right now _ , Caleb thought.

A few minutes later, he heard the sound of Charlie coming closer to him and turned. Charlie’s face was hard to read. “I”m getting cold, I’m going to go lie in the sun for a bit.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Caleb choked out, hoping his face wasn’t betraying every thought he was having. Well the single thought he was having, which was  _ OH MY GOD AM I IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND OH MY GOD AM I-  _ He turned away because he didn’t want to watch Charlie’s perfect body get out of the water, then stayed in long enough to be assured that his stupid teenage dick had settled down before joining Charlie in the sun.

“What’re you up to tonight?” Charlie asked after awhile, and Caleb felt some of the tension drain out of him. If Charlie wanted to pretend everything was normal between them, he could do that. He could  _ totally  _ do that.

“Not sure yet. Any ideas?”

“Preston’s thing is tonight. The whole baseball team is invited.” Charlie didn’t sound particularly enthusiastic.

“Coach would kill us if it got busted. And you know how often teenage parties get busted, dude. We wouldn’t even have a team left.”

“Fair point. I think we can make playoffs this year,” Charlie started, and they were off on a discussion of their team’s strengths and weaknesses and how to improve over the next few months before baseball season started again.

His text pinged, and he jolted, remembering he needed to send one to his dads to check in. He did so quickly, then checked what text had come in. “Hey, Georgie got the latest Captain America movie, and she’s inviting us over to watch it. What do you think?”

“Mmmm.” Charlie sounded unenthused. “I think I’ll just stay home tonight.”

Caleb tried not to be disappointed or read anything into it. Sure, he’d basically mounted his best friend in the river, but Charlie was an introvert. Sometimes he needed time away from everything. This was normal. He wasn’t trying to avoid Caleb.  _ Right?  _ a tiny voice said in his head.

They lingered around the river for another hour or so. When Caleb dropped Charlie off with a wave at his house, he texted his dads and headed for Georgie’s. Actually, Caleb was kind of glad that Charlie wasn’t coming to Georgie’s. Caleb needed to talk to someone, preferably female, and Georgie was the third-best option to do so. Amelia was his first option, but she was backpacking in Europe with her boyfriend Eli. Then it would have been Meghan, but he knew she was working on a big project right now. She’d take his call gladly, but with Georgie available, he didn’t have to bother her.

Still, he got partway through the movie before he finally opened up. One reason he really liked Georgie was because she’d listen intently to everything he had to say before she would make a comment. He’d told her awhile ago that he was bi, because she was trustworthy. In fact, she and Charlie were the only two who knew at school.

“Do you think he has feelings back for you?” she asked, her legs folded under her, her attention fully on Caleb even as Captain America beat up bad guys and stopped explosions on screen.

Caleb shrugged. “I don’t know. I- he- I thought maybe he was going to lean in for a second, before I broke away. But when I told him about being bi ages ago, he never said anything, except that it was fine and he didn’t see me any differently.”

“Maybe he’s heteroflexible. You know, way less people are totally 100% straight or gay than we tend to assume.” Georgie shrugged delicately. “Maybe he’d be willing to try something, if it was with you?” Caleb groaned. “You’re pretty cute, you know.”

Caleb rolled his eyes but laughed. “Thanks.”

“Hey, what are friends for if not ego boosting? The other thing you could do is just ride it out, do nothing, and see what happens. It’s not like we’re in a rush. We’re still in high school. We have forever.”

Caleb preferred more immediate gratification, but nodded along anyway. They settled back into the movie to watch Captain America kiss her romantic lead.

Toward the end of the movie, Georgie’s phone pinged for a text. She frowned at it, then held it out for Caleb. “Charlie’s in trouble.”

\-------------------

Caleb chewed on his lip as he thought about the incident in the river. Had Charlie been more bothered by it than he’d let on? Was this all his fault?

“I can hear your mind working overtime from here,” Finn murmured quietly to him. Poe had gone to find them something to drink. “If you want to share, I’m open.”

Caleb nodded, once, looking into his dad’s warm brown eyes, the ones that looked like his even though they shared no blood relation. He’d always liked that about Finn. It was the smallest, most tenuous connection, but it had been good enough for Caleb when he was younger and had needed the tether. He blinked, and took a deep breath, and the story came spilling out of him. By the time he ended, he was leaning his head on Finn’s shoulder again, tired beyond belief.

“Your dad would just repeat that we can’t speculate, honey, but I’ll add: you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t assault him, or make an advance when he told you not to. You played along with his wishes not to talk about it. You did nothing wrong, okay?”

Caleb nodded against his shoulder, but he still felt like his stomach was tearing itself apart with stress.

Poe returned with coffee, and a Dr. Pepper for Caleb. It was late enough now that he could make some calls without waking people up, and he left again to make arrangements for market day.

“Don’t you need to go to the office today?” Caleb’s voice was quiet.

“I’ll call later to have them rearrange my schedule for the morning. Hopefully I’ll be able to drop by the office later today. Don’t worry about it. Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always,” Finn vowed, patting his knee.

They straightened when Charlie’s parents both walked in. His father cleared his throat, and Caleb wondered if he'd been crying. “He’s been awake for about an hour. Kind of out of it, but still lucid. He said he’d like to talk to you.”

Caleb gulped but nodded, standing after an encouraging squeeze from his dad. Charlie’s father led him back to the room, then left him at the door.

Caleb peeked his head in. “Hey, Charlie,” he whispered at the pale figure.

Charlie’s face was tired, and he didn’t quite work up a smile, but Caleb could tell that he was happy to see him. “Hey, Cay.”

Caleb sat in the seat beside the bed, clasping his hands together uselessly.

“Thank you.” Charlie’s voice was rough from the stomach pumping process.

Caleb shook his head. “Man, you know I’d do it again a thousand times.” He looked down at his clenched hands. “Charlie, why-” he cut himself off. He’d told himself he wouldn’t ask, dammit.

“You know my head is messed up. I put a lot of pressure on myself about baseball, and I just wanted to kind of forget about it all, you know? Not permanently,” Charlie said with a rush. “I didn’t mean for  _ this  _ to happen. I just...temporarily didn’t want to be me anymore.”

“Did I- um, I’m sorry about what happened yesterday in the river.”

Charlie raised an IV covered hand weakly, and Caleb grabbed it gently. “I don’t want you to think this was your fault.” His blue eyes were staring holes into Caleb’s.

“But?”

“But I have to admit that part of my little...let’s go with freak out, even though my therapist would tell me not to be so hard on myself, part of my little freak out was about trying to figure out how to respond to you. Because you’re a great guy, Caleb, and I love you - as a friend, and I don’t want us to stop being friends. But I can’t be that for you. I don’t feel that. And the last thing I wanted to do was break your heart.” Charlie squeezed his hand weakly and then dropped it.

Caleb found himself staring at the machines monitoring Charlie’s vitals intently. Was this what a broken heart felt like? He pursed his lips. It was hard to tell.

“Hey, man,” Charlie said, and Caleb turned his attention back to him. “My parents are going to take me away for a little while, help me get my head turned around, okay? But you better be online to chat about the All-Star game next week.”

Caleb grinned slowly. “Yeah, of course, buddy,” he said, a parrot of his dad’s nickname for everyone, but he felt a pang as he used it on Charlie.

Charlie’s eyes were starting to dip closed more often than they were staying open, but Caleb stayed, murmuring about the Mariners' abysmal season until Charlie was asleep. He watched his friend -  _ just my friend, nothing more, Caleb  _ \- breathe steadily in sleep for a few minutes before he stood to find his family.


	72. Don't Worry, Be Happy - rated M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally in Out of Time as chapter 35  
> This takes place in year 20 - Amelia and Caleb are in college, no grandkids yet, so Finn and Poe have an empty nest and have fallen into a bad habit of not seeing each other much, which of course freaks Poe out. Finn's got it under control though, as always.  
> Year 20, Summer: (Amelia/22, Eli/24, Caleb/18, Meghan/31, Chris/38, Finn/44, Poe/53) 
> 
> Rated M for talk of sexy times but no actual sexy times (sorry folks, that's just how it goes sometimes!)

Poe ran his boots through the brush, knocking most of the mud off before taking them into the mud room and leaving them there. He hadn’t spent the last nearly two decades telling Amelia and Caleb not to track mud in the house not to heed his own advice.

He was tired today, and when Chris had insisted he had everything under control, multiple times, Poe finally relented and headed back to the house early. Well, with Caleb off at college, and the house empty, he and Finn had maybe been stretching their work hours a little long. He wasn’t sure he’d been home before 7 in over a month. It was summer, after all, and the farm needed him.

Which- was- Poe scrubbed a hand over his face. Was that just him telling himself Finn didn’t need him? Did Finn not need him? Did-

“Mrow!”

Smokey’s meow was loud and piercing, joggling Poe out of his thoughts. He watched Smokey twine between his legs, and let the cat distract him, picking the huge grey fluffball up and carrying him upstairs with him.

He shuffled out of his jeans - never could understand anyone falling asleep in those tight things - and laid down, whistling a little so Smokey’d jump up on the bed.

He petted over Smokey’s fur and chewed his lip, worrying about Finn and their relationship in a way he hadn’t let himself worry for- for years.  _ Years.  _ Right. Right. He and Finn were  _ committed.  _ They  _ loved  _ each other.

So what if Poe had been busy at the farm and Finn had been busy at the firm and they hadn’t really carved out a moment alone for themselves now that the kids were gone?

That didn’t mean that the kids were the only thing that glued them together.

Right?

Smokey jumped up on his chest, kneading into his plaid cotton shirt. Petting him was the last thing Poe really remembered before he slipped into sleep.

\---------------------------------

Finn hung his coat and started to carry his briefcase upstairs under the assumption that Poe wasn’t back from work. He could get a little paperwork done before they slapped together a few sandwiches and called it good for the night.

The bedroom door was open, that’s what threw him. He had a habit of closing it against children, a habit that he’d yet to lose, even though his children were grown and gone. He hesitated, then tiptoed forward and stuck his head inside.

Poe was asleep on the bed, Smokey curled on his chest, both of them snoring away, and Finn almost laughed - he must have gotten so used to Poe’s snoring that he hadn’t noticed the noise. He leaned against the doorjamb and watched Poe’s chest rise and fall, moving the cat ever so slightly with each breath. His heart stuttered with love.

He set his briefcase down in the hallway and unbuttoned his dress shirt, tossing it over the chair - he’d get it to the closet eventually, sure. Despite going topless in the summer heat, he nudged his feet up against Poe’s bare calf and curled into Poe’s side, syncing breaths with him, and drifting off himself.

\------------------------

When Poe woke in Finn’s arms, it felt, he slowly realized, more natural than waking alone did these days. He tracked over Finn’s sleeping face, the dusting of silver curls at his temples that made him the sexiest motherfucker alive, at least in Poe’s opinion. Finn had a similar opinion about Poe’s own gray curls.

He still looked so young in sleep, all the laugh and smile lines and eye crinkles ironed out in a way that Poe’s didn’t anymore, not even in rest. He was beautiful, breathtaking really, this way. God, he was gorgeous awake, too, but maybe Poe hadn’t taken the time lately to appreciate it. Every single one of those smile lines was there because of the life they’d built together. In them, Poe saw Amelia, and Caleb, and Meghan, and Anne, and Rey. Himself.

He watched Finn wake up, watched those wrinkles appear as a bright smile crossed Finn’s face. Suddenly, Poe was overwhelmed.

“I’m so sorry, Finn,” he mumbled, his voice breaking.

Finn’s face immediately changed to one of alarm. “What? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you health-”

Poe flushed and rushed out a negative. “No- no, I’m fine. God, no, I’m sorry about that, too. Alarming you, I mean.”

He felt Finn’s arms relax marginally. “What, then?”

“I’m- I love you, so fucking much.”

Confusion, now. “I love you too, baby.”

Poe sighed, thunking his head against Finn’s bare chest. Finn’s fingers started to sift through his tangled curls. “I- we- do you think we work without the kids?”

“What?”

“We- we’ve barely spent any time together since Caleb left for college. Do you think we’re- are we broken? What do we have, here, between us?”

_ “What?”  _ Finn stopped brushing his fingers through Poe’s hair and pulled Poe up to his eye level. “Where is this coming from?”

“Just- just what I said. That we haven’t spent time-”

“It’s the busy season at the farm, and Margot leaving at work really screwed the firm over, I told you-” Finn bit it off and shook his head. “Baby. We are  _ not  _ broken.”

“But-”

“Baby.”

Poe chewed on his lip and looked into Finn’s eyes - no longer alarmed, but dancing with a silent happiness. It buoyed Poe’s soul. “We’re not broken.”

Finn curled his leg around Poe to draw him closer, until they were lying solidly against each other, sharing body heat. “It’s- it’s weird and sometimes- sometimes it’s really unpleasant, not having the kids around. I love them. It’s- I was just thinking, earlier, how I still close the bedroom door, even though- even though they’re gone.”

“I almost knocked on Caleb’s door the other day to wake him up to go to school,” Poe admitted.

“It’s definitely weird.”

“The house seems - seems so empty.”

“It does,” Finn whispered. “Maybe that’s why we’ve both been avoiding it.”

Poe nodded a little before kissing Finn’s neck.

“It’s okay to feel weird, I think. I’m just going to call it now: It’s okay to feel weird about it. I miss them like I’d miss a limb if one got lopped off.”

“I miss them, too, and then- then we weren’t - and. And- well. I miss  _ you _ , too.”

Finn reached down and captured Poe’s left hand in his, so their rings glinted together in the mid-evening light. “Well. Here I am.” He brought Poe’s lips to his, then, sinking them into deep kisses that lightened Poe’s soul with every touch.

“You know what I think?” Finn murmured, a little breathy.

“No, what?”

“I think we need to remember back when we were young-”

“You’re still young, babe. And I never was.”

“Flattery doesn’t mean you get to insult yourself, bucko.” Finn tapped on Poe’s chest until Poe relented and held his hands up in apology. “Anyway. We need to remember what it was like to be young and carefree and kids-free. We jumped into parenthood pretty quickly, and I don’t regret it for a second.”

“Me, neither.”

Finn smiled. “But remember the couple that fucked in the truck on the side of the road because I couldn’t wait to feel you inside me?” He arched a brow.

Poe swallowed, blushing. “Yes. Yes, I really fucking remember that. Or the time you bent me over the counter in the kitchen.”

“Mmm. Or all the times we fucked outside in the backyard, in the summer warmth, no one to spy on us.”

“We could do that again,” Poe said excitedly.

“Damn right we could.” Finn captured his mouth hungrily, then pulled back. “Well, maybe not the counter, with my back-”

“And my ACL. Yeah. Okay. Bed’s good for now.” Poe pulled Finn back in, molding a hand over the chest that had gone just a little soft with age.

“Look at us,” Finn murmured against Poe’s lips. “It’s 7 o’clock. On a Wednesday.”

Poe laughed, hugging Finn tight. “All around the world, parents are putting their kids to bed and falling into an exhausted heap, like  _ suckers.” _

Finn snorted, then reached down to stroke Poe’s cock through his boxers. “Suck, you said?”

Poe’s grin was quick, then gone. Sober, he cupped Finn’s face. “I’m sorry about spouting all that nonsense about us being broken.”

Finn rested his forehead against Poe’s and kissed Poe’s nose. “S’okay. We needed a little kick in the pants, I think. But baby?” Finn’s eyes were warm on his, soothing Poe from the inside out. “I- you know I- I worry. A lot. About a lot of things. Because I have a jerk brain. But this? Us?” Finn pulled Poe’s ring hand up to brush his lips over the band there. “We’ve got this. This, I don’t worry about. Not after everything we’ve gone through. We’re solid. We’re good. So if you need a reminder of that, just let me know. I’ve got plenty more where that came from.”

Poe’s heart thudded in his chest.  _ “Christ _ , I love you.” He fell into another kiss happily.


	73. Don't Worry, Be Happy, part 2 - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as Chapter 36.
> 
> Continuation of the previous chapter, Finn and Poe set aside time to enjoy each other's company, just the two of them.  
> This takes place in year 20, Summer: (Amelia/22, Eli/24, Caleb/18, Meghan/31, Chris/38, Finn/44, Poe/53)
> 
> Rated E for the sexy times that didn't happen in the last chapter.

The next night, they both made an effort to be home at a reasonable hour - Poe had to let Chris start handling more, or he’d never be ready to let go of the farm when the time came - if the time ever came. And while Finn was a partner now, with greater responsibility, he had been falling into the bad, anxiety-producing habits he’d formed when he was training under Greg. They’d both held up their pinkies last night and made a vow to spend more time together, starting tonight, and Finn had felt it as deep in his bones as his marriage vows.

Then he’d blown the fuck out of his husband, because, you know. He was there, and all.

Finn grinned at the memory as he pulled into their drive. All this meant there Poe was, waiting for him, swinging on the porch with a matching grin when he saw Finn’s car. He stood, the rugged lines of him striking Finn’s eyes for the millionth time, just like the first time. He’d taken the time to clean up, shave, put on his dress button up, jeans, and boots. He reminded Finn a little of that first barn dance they went to, twenty years ago. The fun part, before he got stabbed in the back with a piece of glass.

Poe was waiting to open the car door when Finn pulled the car up and into park.

Finn had barely popped his seat belt button when Poe was lifting him up by his hands to his feet and pulling him into a kiss that had Poe's cowboy hat tilting back, slightly ajar now. Finn sighed happily as he readjusted it, fingers tracing the lines by Poe’s eyes as they came back down to settle on his chest. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Poe murmured, a little breathy, a little happy. His own fingers swept over Finn’s jaw. “You ready for this? Our brave new adventure, just the two of us?”

Finn found Poe’s hands with his and linked the fingers together. “I’m very ready. Well, I want to change quickly into something more comfortable. You, sir, though. You clean up right nice,” Finn said in a mock country accent. He gave Poe a fast kiss and hurried inside to change. When he came out again, Poe was waiting by the steps, and Finn launched into his arms.

With a laugh, Poe angled him into the sunlight. “God, you’re beautiful like this.”

Finn grinned, angling his chin up a little to catch more of the golden summer evening sun on his face. “How’s this?”

Poe snorted, swinging their hands a little. “You’re ridiculous, and I love you.”

“You sure you want to be seen with this ridiculousness?”

“Never sure of anything more in my life.”

Finn beamed, then spotted the picnic basket and backpack by their feet. “You got all together already? Baby! Thank you.” He pulled Poe in for another slow kiss.

Poe’s laugh was a little breathless as he leaned over to pick up the basket. Finn grabbed the backpack with the blanket and other supplies and angled them toward the well-worn pathway to the farm. “I had a little extra time, so I went into town and got us some fixings at Market of Choice.”

“Yeah? Did you get the cookies?”

“You  _ know _ I got the cookies, babe. What do you take me for?”

“I’ll take you for whatever price you want if you got the cookies.”

Poe’s laughter echoed through the trees along the path.

They headed out over the fields, chatting idly the way only couples who’ve been together for twenty years can. It wasn’t boring, somehow, which made Finn wonder if Poe could  _ ever  _ bore him. Not even with the umpteenth time he’d heard Poe’s plan for the crop rotations. He’d never tire of listening to Poe explain his vision until Finn could  _ see  _ it too, like a ghost hovering over the land, the ghost of what would come.

Finn remembered the time, a few years ago, back when Chris was still new here - a few? More like a decade, Jesus - and he, Finn and Poe had been enjoying some lemonade in the back while Caleb and Amelia ran around with the soccer ball. Poe had been doing his thing, making the farm vision appear for both of them, working on his signing at the same time, when Chris had smiled, and agreed, and broken in with his own plans and interpretations. That night, as he fell asleep in Poe’s arms, Poe had whispered in his ear, “He’s going to be the guy.”

Finn had teased him. “I thought I was  _ the guy.” _

Poe had laughed, kissing Finn’s neck. “Well, yeah. But I mean, the  _ farm _ guy. The one I pass this all on to, if- well, if none of the kids head that way, you know? Don’t want Organa’s to end up in the hands of someone I don’t know. He’s the guy.”

“He is,” Finn murmured in agreement, happy that Poe wasn’t thinking of pressuring their kids into following in his footsteps. They hadn’t ever talked about it explicitly, but it had been on his mind, the idea of being pressured into a high-paying field. Sure, he loved being a lawyer, he loved helping people, but he never wanted his kids to feel the confusion he’d felt through his schooling.

Back in the present, somewhat serendipitously, Chris emerged from a tall row of corn, starting at the sight of them, then turning pink. “Oh, hey guys.”

Finn broke his handhold with Poe to sign, “<Hey, Chris! How are you?>”

Chris seemed to blush harder, nodding rapidly. “Good, good, well, I’ll get out of your hair.” He nodded again, and rushed by them, Poe bursting into laughter as soon as he had turned away from them.

Finn arched a brow at Poe. “And what was that all about?”

“I may have told Chris to spread the word among the hands that we were going to be using the back field tonight.”

“Uh huh. And what exactly did you tell him we would be  _ using  _ it for?”

Poe held up his free hand in defense. “I didn’t say  _ anything bad.  _ But then Snap made it a thing, and- well. Anyway, we shouldn’t get bothered tonight.”

Finn rolled his eyes and shook his head before taking Poe’s hand again. “My god, Poe. Seriously?” He laughed a little. “Well, we’ve never been the most subtle people.”

“Mmmhmm, yeah, I think our penchant for outdoor sexy times precedes us.”

“I can’t even be mad. There’s just something so...  _ natural  _ about being out here.” Finn took a deep sniff of the summer-warmed air. “Good thing I married a farmer, huh?”

“It is strangely provident.” Poe grinned and pulled Finn into his side so he could curl his arm around Finn’s waist as they walked.

They continued on, reaching the back field and setting out their supplies just as the sun started to lower. In a little while, they’d have the best sunset Mother Nature could provide. Poe lit a candle - citronella - and started unpacking the food as Finn watched him, a small smile on his face.

Poe looked up. “What?” he asked with a grin of his own.

“Remember our first time?”

Poe’s grin grew wider. “Different back field back then when the farm was smaller. But yeah, I do.”

“Did you happen to make a wish on any of those shooting stars?”

“If I did, I’ll never tell,” Poe murmured. “Don’t want to lose the magic.”

“Hasn’t come true yet?”

Poe pulled Finn down to the blanket, pressing him onto his back and kissing him thoroughly. “Still coming true.”

Finn sunk his fingers in Poe’s curls and pulled him closer. “Love you.”

“Thank God.”

They settled in like that, in each other’s arms, feeding each other various bits of antipasti and cookies until they were full. The sky was edging from yellow to pink to purple to blue, shot through with fluffy summer clouds, like broad brush strokes across a starry canvas. Finn watched the gold settle into Poe’s skin, lighting him up. As smoothly as they fed each other, they transitioned into kisses. Long, slow, sweet ones, like the long strokes of clouds that painted the sky.

Finn’s fingers fumbled a moment on Poe’s buttons, but then the shirt was hanging open and Finn’s fingers were sinking into the soft curls across Poe’s pecs, instead. Poe groaned into their kiss as Finn’s light touch played over his nipples.

“Not sure if my knee will take a reproduction of that first time,” Poe murmured raggedly against Finn’s lips.

Finn hummed, slowly reversing their positions, clearing the food away so they could move. “This works, too, though,” he murmured back, smiling down at Poe, who beamed back up at him.

Finn sat back on his haunches, pulling Poe’s boots off, then working his jeans and boxers over his legs, wanting to see all of Poe bathed in the light of the sunset. “Absolutely gorgeous,” he whispered, and a pink blush tinged Poe’s cheeks and spread over his chest at the compliment.

He pulled his own shirt over his head and tossed it aside with Poe’s clothes before traveling back up Poe’s body with brief kisses along his heated skin. It took Poe a little longer, now, to get hard. Finn didn’t mind taking his time with the foreplay, though.

No, he thought, when Poe was writhing against the three fingers he had rubbing over Poe’s prostate, he didn’t mind the foreplay at all.

He placed a kiss on Poe’s hip bone, then withdrew to Poe’s groan. He reached for the button on his own pants, his hands fumbling, his own cock a stiff column against the denim. He paused when he realized his fingers were covered in lube, which was why he couldn’t get the button undone, and he laughed helplessly.

It took Poe about a half a second to size up the situation, and then he was laughing, too, tugging Finn closer and working on the button himself. Finn lost it a little, then, doubling over, burying his face in Poe’s neck and laughing until he was breathless and crying. Poe held him through it, running a rough, callused hand over his back, chuckling himself even as he pulled Finn’s pants down so Finn could kick them away.

When they were settled, and semi-serious (because, let’s be honest, would they ever be entirely serious? Probably not), Finn closed in for another kiss, soothing them back into the rhythm of foreplay they’d been in before.

Poe’s legs fell open for Finn when he slid between them, his hole stretched and inviting, his arms pulling Finn down so their chests touched, shared warmth in the cooling - though still warm - night air. Around them, the crickets were starting up, a symphony that seemed to Finn like it was coordinated with the knocking of their hearts. Quiet like that, he slipped into Poe, was enveloped by him, welcomed home with legs and arms and lips and heart.

Their lovemaking turned slow, or maybe it stayed slow, had always been destined to be slow tonight. It was slow, and lovely, the way their breaths mirrored the crickets and the darkness closed around them until it was just them, and the night, and the flickering citronella candle, and nature.

When he came inside Poe, it was a long, slow burst, too, it seemed. A few more strokes, and Poe erupted over his fist and went boneless on the blanket, letting out a happy little  _ oof  _ when Finn collapsed on top of him. He liked the weight of Finn there, Finn knew from experience.

Eventually, he left Poe, but only briefly to clean them up with some of the paper napkins from dinner before he cuddled right up against him, looking up at the twinkling stars.

They lay like that, Poe murmuring the stories of the constellations he’d told Finn a million times before, and Finn not minding one bit, loving the low rumble of Poe’s voice.

Somehow, impossibly, or maybe extremely possibly, they fell asleep like that, under the stars, the blanket pulled up over them cursorily.

When Finn woke later, muscles stiff with cold and use and age, the unnatural bright green glow of his fitness tracker told him it was past one in the morning. He winced and slapped at a mosquito before nudging Poe awake. “Babe, our candle went out, we’re getting eaten alive. I, for one, don’t want mosquito bites on my dick. I’ve got court on Friday. That would  _ not  _ leave a good impression.” He mumbled this mostly to himself as he gathered their clothes, tossing his husband’s on his still mostly asleep body, then started on the food gathering.

Eventually, they were up, bundled haphazardly in clothes and stumbling back to their house like two punch drunk teenagers. Not, Finn thought as he giggled, that this would be the first walk of shame they’d done across the farm.

Yeah, maybe they were getting a reputation.

Fuck it, he thought with a grin, hauling his cowboy closer to him and smiling up at the stars.


	74. Amelia's Wedding Day - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in the 'tumblr minifics' in Out of Time as chapter 23.

The not-so-controlled chaos of the changing room gave Finn pause. Everywhere women were floofing, and painting, and laughing. Finn’s hand squeezed involuntarily into Poe’s, and his husband looked over at him. “Remember ours? I think I paced a line into the floor of the main house.”

Poe squeezed back, and leaned in to kiss Finn’s cheek. “The path between our house and our bench was pretty worn before I finally got called to the pasture.”

Finn was gazing adoringly at his husband when Amelia’s voice cut over the crowd. “Can I have sec with my dads, guys? I’ll meet you out there.” The bride’s voice was authority enough to get everyone moving, and Finn and Poe stood aside for the exodus. When the crowd of attendants were gone, all that was left was their precious Amelia, decked out in her pale yellow dress, her hair strung with pearls.

“Sweet pea, you look amazing,” Finn murmured, holding out his arms.

With a smile and a small sound, Amelia ran to them, encircling both of them in her bare arms. “I can’t- I can’t. I don’t know if I can make it through this without crying, and I can’t ruin my makeup.” Finn pressed his lips to her hair gingerly, so as not to mess it up, and he saw Poe do the same on the other side. Amelia took a deep breath, and Finn could tell she was steadying herself. “I just…I know you’ve always said we owe you nothing. But…thank you. Thank you for taking a chance on me, when no one wanted me.”

“Oh nugget,” Poe whispered, squeezing her tighter into them. “It’s been our pleasure.”

Amelia pulled back, then stood on tip toes to place a kiss on each of their cheeks. Outside the changing room, the crowd was growing loud again as the wedding planner started calling attendants to line up. Amelia glanced at the door regretfully, and Finn was sad too that their little respite was over. “Ready?” he forced himself to say.

A little giggle burst out of her lips. “I’m marrying Eli today.”


	75. Mix it up: Anne and Amelia - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Discussion of periods

Anne had regrets. Oh my, did she have regrets.

She watched her son deliver touching vows, and kiss Poe as his husband for the first time, and beam back at the crowd, smile radiant. She held Findley’s hand tightly and tried not to cry from regret.  

She sat with Findley, in a small apartment, alone, because he hadn’t wanted any of their friends to see him like this, and because she’d respect the wishes of a dying man. She held Findley’s hand tightly and cried, regretting a love that had so consumed her that she’d pushed everyone away.

She listened to Finn forgive her, when she didn’t deserve it, and begged to be a part of his life again, for the first time.

She didn’t regret this, though. She didn’t regret moving to Oregon, or moving in with Leia. She could never, ever regret moving closer to her granddaughter.

 

**When Amelia was 4:**

“Higher, Nan!”

Anne laughed indulgently and pushed Amelia harder. Her heart felt lighter with every delighted laugh Amelia made. She’d officially become a Smith-Dameron the day before, and life, Anne thought, was grand.

 

**When Amelia was 7, and granddaughter had become granddaughters:**

“Have you ever cooked a tart in your life?” Leia asked, amused at Anne’s flustered appearance.

“No,” Anne sighed, setting a ruined batch on the counter. “But Amelia asked for tarts, so tarts, Nan learns to make.”

Leia looked skeptically in the garbage. “You know, there’s that nice bakery right on Main street in Independence.”

“That’s cheating. I _will_ get this right, and it will be the perfect day of tea and art for Amelia and Meghan.”

“It’s 2 am, Anne.”

“I _know_ that,” she said through gritted teeth. “Are you going to do something helpful or are you just here to pick at me?”

Leia held up her hands defensively. “I’m mostly here to make sure you don’t burn down my house by falling asleep with the oven on.”

Anne sent her a baleful glare.

“Okay, okay, I’m here to help.” Leia started rinsing the mixing bowl for another use. “Lord knows I never learned any of this shit from my mom, either,” she muttered.

They were quiet for a bit.

“You know, I see where Finn gets it.”

“Gets what?” Anne asked, surprised. She was fairly sure no one could ever accuse her of being a good enough parent to Finn to give him any of her habits or traits.

“The high-strung need for perfection. The anxiety.”

 _Oh._ “Oh.”

“Hey, it’s not a _bad_ thing, Annie. Just, you know, you gotta let your hair down sometime and relax.”

Anne snorted. “Right. Because that’ll show Finn that I’m worth his time.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Anne.” Leia stopped her hands from cracking more eggs. “We should maybe dissect that a little more?”

Anne let herself be pulled into Leia’s arms as she sighed. “Yeah.”

 

**When Amelia was 11, and granddaughters had become grandchildren:**

Finn had texted her the news, of course, but Anne was surprised to see Amelia herself show up at the door to the main house later that day, her arms crossed over her chest, a frown heavy on her face.

“It sucks,” she said, in lieu of a greeting.

Anne sighed. “It does.”

“I do _not_ get how people do this _every month.”_

Anne wrapped an arm around Amelia’s shoulders and headed toward the kitchen. “You want some hot chocolate?”

Amelia thought about it for a second. “I would _die_ for some hot chocolate.”

Anne busied herself in the kitchen, filling and turning on the kettle, finding the hot chocolate packets, getting down two mugs.

“I feel gross,” Amelia mumbled.

Anne sat across from her as the kettle worked. She stopped one of Amelia’s tapping hands by placing her own over it. “Understandable. It can be gross. Mostly that’s your hormones talking, though. It’s a natural cycle, and-” Anne stopped, let out a little laugh, pressing her fingers to her lips. “Dear lord, I do believe I was about to tell you what my mama told me when this happened.”

Amelia looked at her curiously. “What’d she tell you?”

“That it’s a natural cycle, and now you’re a woman.”

Amelia stared. “That’s kind of silly.”

“Indeed, and extremely old fashioned. Don’t worry, my little lady, this doesn’t mean you have to grow up now.”

_“Good.”_

Anne smiled at the disgruntled sound of Amelia’s voice as she stood to grab the hot water and prepare the hot chocolate.

“So, are you in any pain?” she asked, ready to help Amelia through the next stage of life.

 

**When Amelia was 18:**

She was fairly sure Amelia was hiding something. Nothing horrible, of course, and if the girl didn’t want to tell, Anne shouldn’t stick her nose in it, of course. Except Amelia was that kind of bubbly excited a young woman got when they’d _met_ someone, it seemed to Anne. The kind of bubbly-excited that _wanted_ to share her secret.

So she set up the tried and true method from throughout Amelia’s teens and set the kettle on for hot chocolate as Amelia excitedly told her about her winter quarter at U of O.

“I was in this one class with like, 500 people, and the professor posted all his stuff online, so it was super hard to motivate myself to go.” Amelia wrinkled her nose. “I liked my PE class better.”

Anne laughed, and pressed a kiss down on top of Amelia’s head. “Of _course_ you did. So what _did_ motivate you?”

“Oh, the class was in Columbia, so I could meet Eli for lunch in the EMU.”

“I don’t think you’ve told me about Eli.”

“I haven’t? Oh, he’s my friend. Um, a pre-med major.”

“Just like your grandfather,” Anne murmured, because Amelia didn’t mind Anne referring to Findley like that even though she’d never met the man.

Amelia smiled and patted Anne’s hand. “Yeah, I guess so, huh?”

“Tell me more about him.” Anne watched Amelia bubble up again, and thought _oh yes. There we go._

 

**When Amelia was 23:**

Amelia plunked down at the table, flushed, but so so happy, Anne had to smile. “Can I bring you anything, Nan?”

“You should be dancing, sweetie, not keeping an old lady company.”

“Old-shmold. The cake is great.”

Anne let Amelia refill her water glass as they both watched Finn and Poe dance. “You look beautiful, Amelia.”

Amelia smoothed over the skirt of her wedding dress and blushed. “It all turned out okay, I kind of can’t believe it.”

“Better than okay.” Anne reached out a shaky hand to take Amelia’s. “I’m glad I got to see it.”

“Me, too.” Amelia brought her hand to her lips. “Love you, Nan.”

“Love you, my girl.”


	76. Amelia's Visit - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amelia visits her dads with news.
> 
> (Amelia/28, Eli/30, Caleb/24, Meghan/37, Chris/44), Finn/50, Poe/59

Finn adjusted his glasses, trying to find the best angle for the legal document, then sighed. Now that the big 5-0 was on the horizon, his perfect eyesight was betraying him. He found a length that worked, and continued reading. He heard the screen door open and shut, and then Poe was sinking onto the porch swing with him, placing an arm lazily around Finn’s shoulders. Finn sighed happily this time, snuggling into Poe and placing his head on Poe’s shoulder, and continued to read.

After a few minutes of companionable silence, Finn set down the document, and angled his head to look up at his husband. Poe was staring out onto the land, probably calculating crop rotations and feed costs and a billion other decisions he needed to make to keep Organa’s going. A slight breeze was rifling through his gray hair - he’d been so resistant to the gray that Finn always found so sexy, but now, at 59, he’d finally settled into it. Poe must have felt him looking, because he glanced down at Finn, then smiled. “Have I told you today how cute I think those glasses are?”

Finn rolled his eyes, but smiled too. “No, I don’t think you’ve gotten the daily compliment in yet. Thank god you did, I was starting to worry.” Finn reached across his lap, finding Poe’s hand and clasping it. He felt Poe place a tender kiss across his hair, then lean his own head on top of Finn’s. This had become routine for them, now that Caleb had earned his Masters and moved out. It was nice, really, it was. It reminded Finn of the early days. Finn smiled at the memory, and also at the niggling thought he kept having that he wanted to open up their lives to foster parenting, now that their children were grown and gone and they'd had a few years to themselves. He was pretty sure Poe would be amenable.

Finn and Poe both sat up at the sound of a car coming down the driveway. Finn gripped Poe’s hand. “Did Amelia say she was going to visit?”

Poe brushed a kiss over his cheek. “Don’t worry, baby. She would have called if it was something urgent.”

Finn relaxed slightly when Amelia got out of the car, a sunny smile on her face. She was still in her work clothes; as program director at the local Y, she got to be casual most of the time, but today her clothing was splattered with paint. “Hey guys!” she called, dancing her way to the porch - she still had too much energy to just walk - as Finn and Poe stood.  She went up on tiptoes to kiss first Poe and then Finn on the cheek.

“Can you stay for dinner? Is Eli coming over?” Finn asked.

Amelia took both of their arms and began guiding them inside the house, to their amusement. “Not tonight. But Eli and I would love to have a family dinner sometime soon, yeah?” She led them to the couch, then put pressure on their arms until they sat. If she hadn’t had such a gloriously happy expression on her face, Finn would have been consumed with worry. Still, he sought out Poe’s hand again as Amelia perched on the edge of the coffee table in front of them.

“Is everything okay, nugget?” Poe’s use of the childhood nickname made Amelia smile.

“Everything is wonderful. Dads,” she started, and she could barely contain her joy, “I’m pregnant! You’re going to be granddads!” Amelia popped up off of the table, pacing excitedly and flapping her hands a bit.

Finn practically launched himself off the couch, swallowing Amelia in a hug. “Oh, sweet pea,” he said, tears already springing to his eyes. He felt Poe’s arms encircle both of them. He was so happy, and so afraid - they’d had a hard time with fertility, and with her diabetes - but she’d wanted one, just one child to help pass on the legacy of her dead mother and father. “You've told Eli, I take it.”

Amelia’s voice was muffled against Finn’s shirt. “We’ve known for awhile, but I wanted to wait, and be sure, and… make it out of the danger zone.”

Finn released her, but took her hand, not wanting to break contact with his baby. His Amelia.

“How far along are you?” Poe asked. Finn noted that his face wasn’t dry either.

Amelia ran her free hand over her stomach. “Three months today. I wanted to tell you the minute I found out, but…”

Poe ran a hand over her cheek. “It’s okay, Amelia, we understand.”

She smiled, leaning into his hand a bit. “If I wasn’t wearing this paint poncho, you’d be able to see just the tiniest little bump. I’m due in January.”

Finn pulled her into his arms again. He couldn’t stop himself. “I’m so happy for you, sweet pea. I love you so much.”

“Dad, you’re going to make me cry,” Amelia said with a sniffle that told Finn she already was.

“Too bad. You made me cry. We like to share in this family.” Amelia giggled even as she wiped away tears.

To let Amelia be, Finn wrapped his arms around Poe instead. “So, family dinner. Are you making the announcement then? Or are you telling Caleb and Meghan beforehand?”

“Eli and I wanted to announce it all at once, but we knew I had to tell you guys first. Can you keep it a secret for a few days?”

“Absolutely, nugget. Absolutely,” Poe said with assurance.

Amelia reached out for their hands, and they stood for a moment, in happy, watery silence, the original trio of Smith-Damerons. Then, she squeezed their hands, and pulled away, saying, “I should get going, Eli’s going to want to know how it went. And he’s going to want to feed me, he’s forever feeding me these days.” She smiled fondly.

The three of them walked to the door. From the porch, Finn waved, and called, “Drive safe, sweet pea!”

“Love you!”

When she pulled away, Poe gathered Finn into his arms and swung him around, making Finn laugh. “I can’t believe it,” Poe said as he set Finn down, his face exuberant.

Finn felt the worry again and decided not to voice it. “A new generation to enjoy Organa’s.”


	77. I think we need to talk - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally in Out of Time as chapter 9
> 
> Meghan's got a big announcement - but Amelia beats her to the punch.  
> (Amelia/28, Eli/30, Caleb/24, Meghan/37, Chris/44), Finn/50, Poe/59

“We’re pregnant!” Amelia and Eli were standing arm in arm, beaming at the crowd gathered in the backyard. After a brief silence, there was a cheer all around, and after a few seconds, Meghan joined in, raising her glass of wine to toast.

_ Oh God,  _ Meghan thought.  _ Amelia’s going to hate me. _

\----------------

It had taken several years for Meghan to discover something dangerous about her office in the Pearl District. On the surface, everything was amazing. She loved her job as a graphic designer because it let her exercise her creativity and earn money. She still made art in her free time, but it was at her own pace and what she wanted to create. The firm gave off the young and hip vibe, but had been open for going on twenty years, and she couldn’t have been happier there, despite cranky clients and a heavy workload.

One afternoon, when a particularly tough client had just sent through another round of revisions, Meghan had pushed away from her desk and walked over to the windows to watch the rain fall on the busy street from the second story office. And that’s when she saw them; she had always known there was a school in the neighborhood, but this was the first time she’d walked to the window when school was being released. And there came the flood of students, coming out of the doors and into the rain, pulling up hoods or tipping their faces in delight, stomping in puddles, and steadily lightening Meghan’s mood. Something tugged at her heart - longing? She absently noted the time and got back to work.

Over the next several years, she found herself drawn to the window when she knew the kids would be out. There was something soothing about them. It took her an embarrassingly long amount of time to come to the realization that she performed the ritual almost daily because  _ she  _ wanted her own kids. It struck her almost like a blow one day, and sent her into depression spiral that she’d had to talk out with her therapist.

The problem as she saw it was that she was still depressingly single. When she hit thirty, she’d told herself that in her twenties, she’d just been too picky. Her fathers had set too high of an example for her. She just needed to lower her standards to find a partner. But then she’d visit home, and see her dads interact, and realize she wanted what they had - and that whatever current partner/boyfriend/crush she currently had just wasn’t cutting it. Then Amelia had brought Eli home for a Friday family night, and the idea that  _ the one  _ was out there somewhere, waiting for Meghan, was planted in her mind again.

And if she hadn’t met  _ the one,  _ she couldn’t have kids, right?

“Single-parent adoptions are possible. Do you feel you might not be able to take on the responsibility by yourself?” Her therapist's voice was calm, not challenging, but Meghan felt challenged anyway.

“Of course I-” Meghan paused. “It’s just that my dads were - are - such perfect partners, raising us. And look how Big Sam handled being a single parent.” The words were out of her mouth before she’d even thought about them, and she reached up to rub her brow. She hadn’t thought about  _ him  _ in years, and yet here he was, always haunting her. “That’s a stupid thing to think, I know. I  _ know  _ that Big Sam was the exception, not the rule. I don’t know why my mind went there.”

“It’s perfectly acceptable for you to have complicated feelings about parenthood, Meghan. We can do some work to make sure those feelings don’t turn into unjustified fears that hold you back from what you want.”

Meghan nodded.

A few months later, she worked up the courage to visit an adoption lawyer and start the process. She hadn’t told anyone in her family, because her fear was that, as a trans woman, the process might never come to fruition. She was financially stable; she’d paid off her sexual reassignment surgery over a year ago, and owned her own small home in the suburbs - at the time, she’d told herself she was tired of living in the city, but now she realized she’d probably been preparing for a child. She was 36, so it wasn’t like she was getting any younger. Hell, Poe had adopted Amelia when he was 35.

It was a slow process, and still she kept the classes and the home visits and the stress of it all from her family. Poe would have said she was bottling again, and she was - but what was the harm in disappointing more than just herself if everything fell through?

Until the call. She’d been walking her dog - a stupidly beautiful black lab mutt named Beast - when the call came.

“The orphanage in India has a child they think is a match,” explained her lawyer, Teresa.

“I...I thought India was going to have a problem with me being trans,” Meghan replied, voice trembling.

“Apparently not. She’s a beautiful little girl, Meghan. Just gorgeous, I can’t wait to show you her file. Perfectly healthy except-”

“Except?” Meghan asked when Teresa hesitated.

“She’s only 6 months old, but there are many indications that she’s hard-of-hearing.”

“Oh,” Meghan replied, thinking of Chris. The long-time Organa’s farm hand (and her dad’s successor as he started handing over more of the business’s reins on his long, slow road to retirement) was the reason she’d been able to check off American Sign Language on "Languages Known." The whole farm had learned a bit, but Amelia had gotten especially into it, and her enthusiasm had in turn roped Meghan in. She was probably rusty - she tried to get down to the farm once a week but sometimes it didn’t happen - but she could brush up.

She realized she’d been silent for awhile. “I’d love to look at her file. When can you see me?”

\-----------------------------

She was the first to get to family night, and after she released Beast into the yard, she found Finn puttering around in the garden, pulling weeds. “Hey, Dad,” she called, her smile reflected on his face when he turned and looked up at the sound of her voice.

“Hey, sweetie,” he murmured as he pulled her into a big bear hug. Her dislike of being touched had the awkward tendency to flare up still sometimes, especially around strangers, but her dads knew they didn’t need permission for their hugs anymore. She sighed into him. Finn had a way of hugging her like he had missed her so much, even if they’d seen each other the previous Friday for family night.

He pulled away, and she linked her arm through his, walking toward the side door. “How was your week?” she asked.

“Helped a lot of people, so I can’t complain,” he replied, opening the door for her, then removing his muddy shoes. “We’re expecting a full house tonight, Amelia has news.” There was the barest hint of a smile on his face.

“Oh, good. Even Caleb?” Caleb was notoriously the hardest Smith-Dameron to convince to give up a Friday night for family.

“Yeah, he texted earlier about heading out.”

“Well, look at him, being a responsible adult now.”

Finn patted her on the shoulder. “He’s not that bad, and you know it.”

“Yeah, well, what are siblings for?” She grinned as they walked into the kitchen. “I have some news to share tonight, too.”

As always, the first thing to flash across her father’s face was concern. Finn was reliable that way. “Care to give me a preview?”

“It’s good, I promise. Is Chris coming tonight?”

“Yeah, I think Amelia texted him.”

“Meghan must be here,” they heard Poe call from the living area. “Beast is chasing a squirrel through my petunias.” Poe’s voice was amused.

“Oh jeez, sorry Dad.  I’ll go calm him down,” Meghan said as Poe came into the kitchen. She rushed out, but he caught her by the waist and dragged her into a hug first.

Outside, she moved Beast to the back yard - hopefully he’d stay away from the petunias - then headed back around to the front to sit on the porch and watch her family gather.

\---------------

It really was a full house, Meghan mused. Amelia had that influence on people. She’d managed to gather Snap and Elisa, even Luis, though Sophia was taking summer classes and hadn’t been able to come. Cassie and Ben had brought Leia, who at 91 was still the life of the party. Chris was laughing and signing with Mary and Edgar in the corner. Several other foster veterans had surrounded Poe, having a mini-reunion. Jess and Finn were sitting in lawn chairs, trading shop talk. Meghan knew that Finn had been ecstatic when Rey had retired from the military and Jess had joined his law firm. Rey and  Amelia were showing some of the children how to play corn hole while Caleb and Eli challenged each other to a game.  Around the edges, Beast and a half dozen other dogs chased each other. The yard was filled with a variety of ages, all part of the Farm Family, which seemed to grow bigger every year. All of a sudden, Meghan was nervous to share the news of her impending adoption to such a big crowd.

After Snap and Chris were done distributing hotdogs and hamburgers from the grill they’d been manning, Amelia clinked on her glass to get everyone’s attention. Eli stood by her, arm around her waist.

“I’m so happy you guys were all able to make it. I’m just so happy, I might cry,” Amelia started, and her glittering eyes certainly proved her correct. Eli squeezed her tighter. “We’re pregnant!”

As the cheer from the crowd went up, Meghan took a gulp of her wine. God, there was no way she could announce it now. Amelia would think Meghan was trying to steal her thunder. She was headed for India in two weeks - what was she supposed to do, just show up with a kid in tow to the next family night, and be like, “Surprise! I magically have a baby now!”

Meghan managed to avoid Amelia by skirting around the crowd of well-wishers monopolizing her sister’s time.  She wandered around the side of the house, away from the celebratory atmosphere, Beast at her side, and found herself at the memorial trees. When they’d lost Anne a few years ago, they’d planting a matching dogwood by the one memorializing Finn’s dad. She placed her hand on the trunk. “I miss you. I really do.” She sat in silence for a bit, absently petting Beast’s head, thinking of Anne, thinking of Amelia.

She was so caught up she didn’t catch Amelia’s footsteps until her sister was sitting beside her. Amelia’s knee nudged hers. “I think we need to talk.” At Meghan’s sustained silence, Amelia continued. “Why are you avoiding me?” The tears in Amelia’s voice surprised her, and she looked up at Amelia’s tremulous frown.

“I- you’re going to hate me.”

Amelia’s brow furrowed. “I don’t hate anyone.”

Meghan scoffed, even though it was true. “You’ll hate me, after this.”

“Meghan, what’s wrong?” Amelia’s hand crept over to take one of Meghan’s. Meghan gripped it, staring down at their joined fingers.

“I’m so sorry, Amelia.” And then the whole story came spilling out of her. By the end, Meghan was crying herself. “And if you don’t want me to tell anyone, that’s okay, but I’m going to pick up Riya in two weeks and I want her to be a part of the family.” She looked up then, to Amelia’s stunned face. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled again. “I know you’ve been trying for a really long time, and your baby would have been the first grandchild, and-”

Amelia stopped her with a squeeze of her hand. “Oh honey. It’s not a competition. That’s not how we Smith-Damerons work, right?”

Meghan offered her a watery smile. “You mean Suzuki-Smith-Dameron-Cohens?”

“Legal forms hate me.” Amelia returned her smile. “But  _ I  _ could never hate  _ you,  _ Meghan. Especially not over something so amazing. I’m so excited to be an aunt, you have no idea. Our babies are going to be best friends, I just know it. Cousins! Like Luis and Caleb.” Amelia wrapped her arms around Meghan. “You should tell everyone tonight.”

“Hey ladies, hiding from the crowd?” Meghan and Amelia both turned at the sound of Poe’s voice.

“Hey Dad,” they both called as Poe walked over and leaned against Shara’s tree, bringing his arm up to grip one of the branches. Amelia nudged Meghan with her knee, and Meghan smiled back, nodding.

“I’ll go get Daddy and Caleb.” Amelia pushed up, rushing off like she always did.

“Your dad mentioned you had something to announce, too, but that it was good, so that’s why I’m not going to make you tell me first.” Poe grinned as Meghan laughed. He knelt to give Beast a good rub down as they waited.

When the Smith-Damerons, plus Eli, were gathered, Meghan stood, like Amelia had for her announcement. “I just wanted to say that- and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys earlier, but I didn’t know if- but I should have told you earlier, I didn’t mean to bottle it up-”

“Megs,” Amelia said quietly, smiling at her in reassurance.

“I’m adopting. A baby girl. From India. In two weeks. She’s hard-of-hearing. Her name’s Riya.” Meghan smiled, and shrugged, as if to indicate ‘that’s it!’

Just like with Amelia’s announcement, there was a stunned silence. And then:

Caleb: “Oh dude, Megs, congrats!”

Poe: “When do you leave? What do you need?”

Eli: “Congratulations, Meghan.”

And Finn: “Meghan Ann Smith-Dameron, how dare you only give us two weeks notice-” But then, after Poe put his hand on Finn’s shoulder, he readjusted and opened his arms. “Come here, honey.” When Meghan stepped into his arms, he whispered in her ear, “I’m so proud of you, Meghan. So proud.” She pulled back, placing a kiss on his wet cheek.

Then, everyone mobbed her, Amelia hugging the tightest of all. When they broke apart, Poe turned to Caleb. “Hey, son, nothing to announce, right?”

“Oh God, I hope not,” Caleb replied, grinning.

Poe and Finn looked at Caleb with mock sternness. Poe started, “Remember, Caleb, always-”

“Use protection!” Meghan, Amelia and Caleb replied, rolling their eyes but smiling.

“You mock me, but it always needs saying,” Poe protested, as Finn wrapped an arm around his waist.

“So, what’s the plan, Meghan? Are you going to tell the rest? Do you want us to? We’ll do whatever you want,” Eli said when the laughter had died down. Amelia murmured a little ‘awww,’ and went back into the arms of her husband.

“Well, I guess… yeah, we can tell everyone.” Meghan took a deep breath. She knew she wouldn’t feel ultimately safe until Riya was seated with her on the plane, headed back to the United States. But now that she’d told, it was very real. She was  _ adopting. _

“We need to throw you a baby shower!” Amelia squealed.

“Oh, we only have two weeks, I don’t think-”

“If you don’t think I can pull together a baby shower in less than two weeks-”

Meghan laughed. “No, you’re right, I forgot who I was talking to.”

\----------------------

As their kids walked back to the party, Finn kept Poe back, melting into his husband’s body. “Looks like we’re getting that new generation a little early. Ready?”

“Are you going to accuse me of being a cheeseball if I say, ‘with you, I’m ready for anything?’”

“Yes. Yes I am. But only because I haven’t called you a cheeseball in at least a week, so you’re due.” Finn buried his face into Poe’s neck. “Two weeks, I still kind of can’t believe it.”

“We should offer to stay with her, or at least one of us. Help her out for a bit.”

“Mmm, I like that idea. I have some time accumulated. Remember the first two weeks with Amelia?”

“We were so young.”

“Well,  _ I  _ was, but you were pretty old back then, too.” Finn laughed when Poe slapped his butt in retaliation.

Poe gathered Finn’s face in his hands and brought him in for a slow kiss. “Let’s go back, baby."

They let the embrace fall away, but still held hands. As they walked back, they let their free hands drift over the trunks of the memorial trees, a ritual they tended to repeat often.


	78. It's not what it looks like - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 17
> 
> How Meghan Got Her Groove Back  
> Riya is pronounced "Ree-uh"

Meghan Ann Smith-Dameron was in love. There was no denying it. It had been the “at first sight” kind, too, she thought dreamily, as she stared down at the baby carrier in the airplane seat beside her. Riya was asleep, finally, after an hour or so being fussy as her ears adjusted to the plane’s pressure changes. Riya was asleep, and Meghan was in love.

\-------------------

Her doctor had confirmed the Indian physician’s diagnosis. With aides, Riya would be able to hear some noise, but they doubted she would ever be able to make out words. Otherwise, she was happily, perfectly healthy, a gorgeous little girl with the sweetest disposition- except, of course, when she wanted something and Meghan couldn’t figure out what. The first time it had happened, mere hours after their return flight, Meghan had panicked and called her dads. By the time they’d gotten there, she’d tried milk and a diaper change, and was gently rocking the screaming baby in her recliner. Finn had given her a break, and Poe had taken her aside and reminded her that Riya was in a totally new environment and that a freakout was expected and that, no, this didn’t mean she was going to be an awful mom.

“You love her already, right?”

“I do,” sniffed Meghan, wiping a tear away from her cheek.

Poe got the tear on her other cheek. “Then you’re already a great mom.”

They’d walked back into the living room together, and Meghan had taken the wailing Riya from Finn and sat with her to rock again, and eventually, she’d cried herself to sleep on Meghan’s chest. Meghan started crying again, silently, as she looked at her dads’ proud faces.

“Okay,” she whispered, more to Riya than to her dads. “I think we got this.”

\--------------------

Riya was sitting up across the blanket from her, gurgling as Meghan held up a book for her to look at the black and white pictures. She reached out with grabby hands, and Meghan surrendered the book with a laugh. “<Book, please,>” she said and signed, though Riya ignored her hand signals for the most part. It was okay. Repetition was the key. No babies, whatever hearing they had, learned language overnight.

Beast was roaming around somewhere, hopefully not getting in Poe’s late-summer flowers. They’d kept Family Fridays small since Riya’s adoption, easing her into all of the new faces that her life would eventually encompass. She’d come early, hoping to get some extra Papa Poe time in for Riya, but he’d been called away to deal with something on the farm. It was alright, though. Meghan loved spending time with just her baby girl.

Riya gurgled and smiled as she lifted the book on top of her head, and Meghan couldn’t help but laugh.

“Hey Megs.” The low, Texan drawl came from behind her, and despite herself, her heart skipped a beat.

She turned around, smiling as Chris came walking toward them. “<Hey, Chris. Did Dad send you to check up on me?>”

“Wrong sign. You want this,” Chris said with a smile, showing her the correct sign for ‘checking on.’ “But you’re getting better. Do you want me to sign instead of talking so you can practice?”

“<Don’t feel obligated,>” she replied, hoping her blush would be hidden by the fact that they were sitting outside on a ninety degree August day. Lately, Chris… God, it was galling to admit, but she was pretty sure her teenage crush on Chris was coming back. Lord. That Texan drawl and those tight jeans had fueled way too many fantasies given that she had met him when she was 16. Not that Chris would have ever, ever acted on it. He was a gentleman, for one, and it would have been a betrayal to her father, for two. Plus,  _ she’d been 16.  _ Except...except now she wasn’t 16. And he wasn’t 24 anymore either. And he was still one tall, long, drink of handsome. Who she’d known for two decades and who basically treated her like a sister.  _ Get your hormones in order, Meghan. _

While all of this was running through her brain, Chris had been interacting with Riya, making her smile as he played peekaboo with the book, and Meghan’s heart flipped in her chest again. She gave herself a moment to school her face and her thoughts, then reached out to touch Chris’ arm to get his attention. He looked back at her, the full force of that handsomely mature face, his laugh lines prominent, hitting her in the gut. “<Did Poe say when he’d be free?>”

“<It was an issue with Whole Foods,>” he replied with a grimace. “<It might be awhile.>” Chris sat back. “<If you wanted to be alone, though, I can go.>”

“<Oh, no, no, please stay.>” Meghan looked away, embarrassed by her eagerness. “<It’s good practice for me.>”

“<I’m always happy to help.>” Chris began telling her about his day, stopping to make sure she was following along, and even Riya looked enraptured by the motions of Chris’s hands even if she didn’t understand what they were saying.

\---------------------------

Riya had gone down easily, falling asleep on the drive back home and not even stirring when Meghan transferred her to her crib. All in all, it had been a good outing; the family members were getting used to using simple sign language with Riya, and she was getting used to pretty much constant exposure to people who wanted to cuddle her close and love on her.

Meghan sighed as she grabbed the monitor. Riya going down easily meant Meghan had an excess of time to think tonight, and unfortunately, her thoughts kept circling back around to Chris. Long, lanky Chris, with the farmworker’s body and quiet, calm personality. Chris, whose mere proximity had left her more turned on than she’d been in awhile.

The funniest thing about her sex reassignment surgery had been the fact that she really didn’t have sex that frequently. It was hard to find a partner that met her standards, and even harder for her to get turned on by a real, flesh and blood, in her life person, not just masturbating to some celebrity. But the sound of Chris’s voice could send that warm flush crawling under her skin, spreading through her muscles. She didn’t get wet, obviously, but she kind of liked to use that terminology anyway, it helped her feel authentic and real, in a way that she’d probably over-analyzed with her therapist at this point. And Chris had made her so wet, so hot tonight, and now she didn’t have anything, not even work, to distract her.

She bit her lip and pulled her hair up into a messy twist at the top of her head. She felt the flush on her skin as she slid her simple sundress over her body. God, the thought of Chris had her so turned on that her skin was sensitive? This was not a good sign. Her bra and panties came next; though she’d opted for the SRS, she never went for breast implants. Consequently she could fill a B cup if she tried really hard, but was fully in love with the concept of push up bras. Her nipples were already pebbling, and after she’d laid down on the cool cotton sheets of her bed, that was where her hand strayed first, playing over one nipple and then the other, feeling the flush move over her skin. She rested her free hand on her stomach, appreciating the softness there, the gentle slope of it, the curve of it into her hips that was, she thought, always with a sense of elation, all woman. She sighed, imagining Chris’s rough, callused fingers smoothing over her instead, finding her curves and her cellulite and her wrinkles and still loving her anyway. Those clear, blue eyes connecting with hers as he swept lubed fingers over her clit, stealing her breath. He’d seal their lips together, then sweep a hand through her hair as her hips pumped to chase his fingers. He'd give her exactly what she needed, pay her all that special, careful, quiet attention he gave every task in his life, as if the only thing he wanted in this world was to make her come. His name tumbled out of her lips as she reached for her little vibrator and slicked it up before teasing it through her folds. She swept it around, her hips following, trying to find satisfaction. She smiled at the thought of his face, his body, letting the vibe settle on her clit, sweeping it around and around until her hips were stuttering and everything was coiled tight within her. With a last cry, she bit down on her lip as the orgasm swept through her, shooting pleasure through her stomach and across her chest. With a final rub that sent aftershocks skittering through her system, she sighed, unarching her back and setting the vibe aside for cleaning. She languished there, feeling her skin, watching her chest rise and fall steadily. She drifted off to sleep that way, thoughts of Chris at the forefront, until a hungry Riya woke her an hour later.

\-------------------------

Meghan was absolutely, positively, 100% in love, and it  _ was not  _ with Chris Carter. Nosiree. Who needed a man when you had an amazing baby that needed your undivided attention?

She and Riya were slowly and surely figuring out their new lives together, which meant daycare and doctors appointments and changing therapy to her lunch hour. It was the best kind of busy she’d ever been. It seemed like Riya was hitting milestones left and right, and it was all Meghan could do to keep up. The first time she used the hand signal for “done,” Meghan burst into tears at her kitchen table. And she was such a happy baby. She loved everyone, could handle the big farm family functions now, didn’t mind being passed around the table to get kisses and belly tickles. If Meghan’s gaze lingered a little longingly whenever Chris picked Riya up, well, as long as no one noticed Meghan's abject adoration, that was okay, right?

She was spending a quiet October afternoon home with the now nine month old Riya, who was banging blocks on the living room floor, when her doorbell rang. She hauled Riya up on her hip and answered it, and her heart leapt into her throat when she found Chris on the other side. Riya practically launched out of her arms, making grabby hands at Chris as he chuckled.

“One sec, darlin’, let me put this down.” Chris hastily set a bag down on the floor and swept Riya up and around to her delighted giggles. He landed her on his own hip, and turned to greet Meghan. “Hey, sorry to stop by unannounced, but- are you okay, Megs?”

Meghan shook what she knew was a wistful expression off her face. “<Uh, yeah, of course, sorry. A million things on my mind,>” she finished lamely. “<How can I help you? And come in, of course, where are my manners.>”

Chris lifted up Riya’s shirt and blew a raspberry into her stomach, which sent the girl into hysterics. “Finn sent me with a bag of clothes, and I quote, ‘kisses for his girls.’” Before Meghan knew what he was doing, he’d kissed her cheek, and her mouth had formed a little “o” in surprise.

Even though her cheeks were heating up, she rubbed her arms. “<It’s freezing out there, can I get you something hot to drink? Coffee? Tea?>”

Chris followed her to the kitchen and set Riya down in front of some of her toys. “<Some coffee would fix me right up, if it’s not a bother.>”

“<No, of course not.>” Meghan tried not to feel subconscious as she moved around the kitchen, feeling his eyes on her form. When she turned around again, he was leaning against the doorjamb, his boots crossed at his ankles, looking absurdly comfortable in her space. “<It’ll be a few minutes,>” she said quietly.

“<Motherhood looks good on you, Meghan,>” he said, looking down at Riya who was driving a small tractor around the kitchen floor. “<I admire you for doing what a lot of people wouldn’t.>”

Meghan blushed at his words. She'd gotten a lot of judgement for taking on a child with special needs as a single mom. It was nice to know Chris was in her corner. “<I don’t think I could be raised by Finn and Poe and not do it,>” she answered honestly. “<But thank you.>” Her voice got husky, and she coughed. Luckily, Chris was distracted by Riya tugging at his pant leg, pulling herself up to a standing position.

“<Well, Riya, that’s quite a trick! When did you start doing that?>” He pulled her up into his arms and she laid her head on his chest, and all of a sudden, Meghan was envious of her daughter.

“<Just this week. Scared the shit out of me the first time she did it. I left the room to grab her bottle and I came back and she was standing, holding on to the couch.>”

“Next thing you know, she’ll be walking. And then she’ll be ready to help us down at the farm, won’t you, Riya?”

“<Man, the dads will love that.>”

“I don’t think I’ve seen two people happier to be grandpas.”

Riya yawned into his shoulder, and Meghan moved to take her from him. “<Time for nap, Riya,>” she signed, trying to get Riya used to seeing her name. She turned to look at Chris. “I think the coffee’s ready. Please help yourself, I’ll only be a minute.”

She set Riya down in her crib, put a binkie in, and brushed her hand through Riya’s dark waves once before leaving her.

When she came back to the kitchen, Chris offered her a mug. “Light and sweet, right?”

She took the proffered mug. “<Thanks for remembering.>” She gestured to the kitchen table, and they sat down, chatting about the farm and the family over their steaming mugs.

When Chris finally made moves to leave, Meghan stood and they both reached for the mugs to put them away, their fingers brushing. Chris's finger ran along hers, and their eyes met, and lingered. Meghan found that all of a sudden, her lungs had just decided to quit working as she stared into those warm blue eyes.

“Do you ever wonder if you’re still single because the person you’ve been looking for has been right in front of your face for years?”

In the face of his statement, she forgot all of her signing. “Chris,” she said on an exhale.

“I do,” he said, moving closer to her, seeking her permission to be touched. She nodded her assent, and he cupped her cheek. “I wonder, and then I remember, she’s the goddamned boss’s daughter, and forbidden territory.”

“So are you making a move or not?” Meghan asked, a little petulant. She was thirty-seven, after all. Little things like “asking her dads’ permission” had fallen by the wayside a long time ago.

He just smiled at her. “There’s my Meghan. Always with the mouth.” His eyes dropped to her lips, and then his mouth was on hers, and she was leaning into him, clinging at his shirt. His body was so warm, and she curled into it, enjoying the taste of their shared coffee on his tongue, enjoying the fact that he was standing there in her kitchen, enjoying  _ him.  _ Then he was boosting her up, setting her on the counter so they were of a height, which gave her better access to run her fingers through his short blonde hair as his tongue swept alongside hers. She realized that this was it, this was the moment, this was  _ the kiss  _ she’d been waiting for her entire life. This was the kiss that made everything before seem pale by comparison.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, drawing him closer to the apex of her thighs, and his hands went roaming, working under her shirt to feel her skin. She thought she might just burn the whole house down with how hot she was, how hot he was making her. His lips left her mouth, traveled over her jaw, down her neck, and she moaned right into his ear. He paused, drawing back, both of them breathing hard. He gripped the counter with white knuckles and pushed himself back.

“<Tell me I didn’t just cross a line.>”HIs voice was rough, ragged.

“<You didn’t.>”

“<Tell me you’re okay with this.>”

She hopped down from the counter and took his hand. “<I’m okay.>”

“<And what will Poe say? Finn?>”

She huffed and rolled her eyes. “<Listen, if you’d made a move when we first met, sure, that would have been inappropriate.>”

Chris choked on a cough. “<I want to be clear that I did  _ not  _ think about you like this when you were sixteen.>”

“<See? Then, we’re golden.>” She smiled at him, and he seemed slightly less nervous. She brushed a hand down his arm. “<Besides, I  _ did  _ think about you like that when I was sixteen.>” When he choked again, she laughed. “<But thanks for never reacting to my silly teenage crush.>”

“<I had no idea, I swear.>”

“<Then we have nothing to worry about.>”

He still looked uncomfortable, and she bit her lip. His eyes softened, and he brought up a thumb to run over her lip so she’d release it. “<Meghan, want to get dinner sometime?>”

“<Absolutely.>”

“<And we’re telling your dads…>”

“<Whenever you’re comfortable. But as Mary once told me, if I’m hiding a relationship from the people that matter most to me, that probably means I don’t really want the guy to become one of the people that matters most to me.>” She ran a hand over his rough cheek. “<And that’s not the category you fall in, Chris.>”

He cupped her face and leaned down for the kiss, just a light brushing of their lips. She melted into his embrace, and for awhile, they just rocked in the kitchen as Riya slept and the rain came down outside.

In the end, they decided to give the relationship a few weeks to settle before telling the family.

\---------------------

It was a blissful few weeks, with Chris coming to visit them on Saturdays. They’d go out to lunch and to OMSI, or the Children’s Museum, or, once, the one time it wasn’t too rainy or cold, just to their neighborhood park. Meghan hadn’t found a reliable babysitter yet, so their dinner plans had been put on hold. This meant they were left to a few fumbling kisses while Riya was down for a nap, or as Chris left, which resulted in Meghan’s vibrator getting quite the workout. They’d talked, just cursorily, about how Meghan’s SRS worked, and while Meghan had had sex with her crafted vagina, she could tell Chris was nervous about hurting her, even though she insisted that that’s what her exercises were for.

Amelia’s baby shower brought Meghan and Riya back to the farm for the first time since she’d been seeing Chris, and as soon as she was sure Riya was secure being passed around the room full of women, she’d snuck off to the farm to find him. He was sorting tools in the barn, winter work, and she flicked the lights off and on to announce her presence. He looked up to see who needed him, and she had the pleasure of seeing his face transform at the sight of her.  _ Just like how Poe looks at Finn  _ . She sighed, and smiled, and before she knew it she was running into his outstretched arms and swinging in his embrace, even though they’d seen each other a few days before.

“Megs,” he drawled, when they came up for air, “I-I think- I lo-”

There was a clattering and Meghan spun around, Chris a second after her, reacting to her reaction. Poe stood over a dropped rake, the look on his face inscrutable.

“It’s not what it looks like…” Chris said, even as his hands were still squeezed into Meghan’s ass.

She rolled her eyes. “<It’s  _ exactly  _ what it looks like, and you’re not allowed to be upset,>” she said archly at her father.

He raised a brow back at her. “<I’m not upset, I’m just shocked.>”

“<Sir, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. That’s my fault.>”

Poe narrowed his eyes. “<We’ll come back to that point some other time, Chris. Maybe we can take a long ride tomorrow.>” Chris nodded swiftly, and Poe turned to Meghan. “<You don’t need my approval, honey, but I’m damn glad to give it. I like this one way better than any of your others.>”

Meghan smiled. “<I love you, Dad.>”

“<So, what do I have to do to get more Riya time? Give Chris more time off? Is there any chance you could go into that den of estrogen and steal her away for me today?>” Poe picked up the rake and put it away, and let out a soft ‘oof’ when Meghan squeezed him tight in an embrace.

“I know I don’t need your approval, but I’m glad I have it anyway,” Meghan murmured into his chest. She felt Poe press a kiss into her hair.

“I love you, honey.” He released her, and she took Chris by the hand. “<Family dinner soon, yeah?>”

“<Of course,>” Meghan replied, and Chris nodded. She turned to place a kiss on Chris’s cheek. “<Okay, back to the shower for me, I’ve already been away too long. Come by when we’re done?>” She turned to leave.

Chris pulled her back, and brushed his lips over hers. “<I’ll see you,>” he replied, his eyes dark with promise.

She blushed and waved at both of them, hurrying back to the house. When she slipped back into the living room, Riya spotted her immediately and squealed in delight. She scooped her daughter out of Elisa’s arms and swung her up high.

Yes, Meghan Ann Smith-Dameron was in love. And it was about damn time.


	79. Bedtime - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally written for Day 13 of February Ficlet Challenge: Creating your own traditions

Chris was just finishing up the dishes when Meghan slipped an arm around his waist and went up on tiptoes to brush a kiss over his cheek. “She out?”

“<Like a light.>” Meghan sighed.

Chris hung the drying towel back up and turned, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

Meghan sighed again, shaking her head, and pulling Chris back to her tiny living room to sit on the couch. He grumbled at that, and pulled her up into his lap when she said he could. It made her smile, just a little, to be warmed by his body. “<I was just thinking about bedtime, when I was growing up.>”

Chris looked tentative, and he squeezed her into a hug. “Thinking about S-”

“No,” Meghan cut him off quickly, forgetting to sign. “<No. Sorry. Later. Finn and Poe.>”

“What about it?”

“<I mean, I was older, right? So I didn’t really have ‘bedtime’ traditions with Finn and Poe. But they always read stories to Amelia, and later, to Amelia and Caleb. And sometimes I helped out. One summer I was home, we read the whole Madeleine L'Engle series, a chapter or two a night.>”

“That’s really sweet.” He rubbed over her back, and nuzzled against her cheek. “But you’re worried you won’t be able to do that with Ree.”

She stared at him. “<I will never get over how perceptive you are for the strong, silent type.>”

“We strong, silent types have to be perceptive.”

“<True.>” She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. “I love you,” she murmured against his skin, knowing he’d feel the vibrations if not exactly hear her words.

“I love you.” He held her, rocked her, let her have a moment of peace. When she leaned back and sighed again, he reached up to smooth a stray hair back over her ear. “You know, you don’t have to give up that tradition. You just have to remake it.”

“<She doesn’t have a big enough vocabulary- >”

“People read to babies all the time and they definitely don’t have a big enough vocabulary. A baby - toddler - with hearing aids isn’t different. Just- do what you do with me? Speak and sign? It has to be helpful.”

Meghan blushed and looked away, distressed. “<I should have thought of that.>”

“Hey, baby, no.” Chris drew her back in, pressed a kiss to her lips. “You’ve got a million other things going on in your mind, and this is why-” His breath hitched, but he blew it out and gave her a crooked smile. “This is why we talk, right? To each other. To therapists. Just bouncing ideas.”

She pulled back, looking a little stressed, still. “<I just- I didn’t realize it, you know, before? How fucking scary parenthood would be. She’s relying on me. There’s a little person in this world whose only hope is to rely on me. _Fuck. >” _

“Good thing you’re amazing and wonderful and gorgeous and okay, maybe that last part doesn’t matter for being a mom, but you are-”

She laughed, then stopped his torrent of words with a kiss.

He cupped her cheek. “But above all else, Megs, you’re human, which means you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you.” His hand slid down to her chest, where he could feel her heartbeat. “The woman with the biggest, most loving and accepting and accommodating heart I know.”

“Chris,” she whispered, and then she was leaning in again to kiss him, and they didn’t do much talking after that.

\-------

She began to tell Riya everything: stories of her life, and her siblings’ lives, and the farm family, yes. But also short versions of movies and books she loved. Anything she could think of, really. It was fun, and it strengthened her own signing.

But the real fun began when Riya started learning how to read, and recognize more signs, and then, one night:

“<Mama, I want to tell _you_ a story. >”

Surprised, and pleased down to her toes, Meghan sat back. “<Okay, Riya, you get to tell the story tonight.>”

And Riya lifted her hands, her eyes excited, and began, “<Once upon a time…>”


	80. Babysitting - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Finn come to babysit Alex (Amelia and Eli's first) for the first time. Finn reflects on marriage and love. 
> 
> Just a little sappy short. 
> 
> Year 27, January: Amelia/29, Eli/30, Caleb/24, Meghan/37, Chris/44, Finn/51, Poe/60, Riya and Alex/less than 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got an anon ask on tumblr about what happened if Finn ever came across Poe speaking Spanish to the kids, if it still got him all hot and bothered. 
> 
> I took that and made them old, so... sorry :D I've just been wanting to bask in the love of old married couples recently. That type of love is so beautiful to me right now.

“And the back field’s soil was testing well a week ago, so I think-” 

Finn let his husband’s words wash over him; he was fairly sure he’d heard that sentence, or something like it, maybe slightly rearranged, a million times in the - Finn had to pause and do the math in his head - shit, it was coming up on 27 years, wasn’t it? 

“Are you trying anything new out there?” he asked, then reached down to where Poe’s hand was laying in the center console between them, and threaded their fingers together as he wound his way through the Valley. 

Poe squeezed back, and told him about the new crops. No matter how new they were, it was still a conversation Finn had had before, but he didn’t mind, not at all. He listened attentively, the same way Poe would when he talked about his current cases. 

It didn’t get boring. That was one of the major discoveries Finn had made in marriage. Routine, yes, _God yes,_ Finn _lived_ for routine, was getting to be a crotchety old man about being taken out of his routine. But boring? Not yet.

He flashed a grin at Poe as they pulled up to Amelia and Eli’s house. “Ready, Popo?”

“Ready, Papa.” 

While it wasn’t their first time babysitting a grandchild, it  _ was _ their first time with little Alex, now just 15 days old. He was perfect, of course, every little piece of him, and Amelia was okay, thank God. Finn still felt echoes of the keen combination of pride and love and fear he’d had that day, all fueled by adrenaline. He and Poe must have walked all the way around the hospital 80 times because he hadn’t been able to sit still. 

But Amelia was okay, just great, actually, his scrappy little sweet pea, and Alex was healthy, and the relief and elation that filled him now must have been shining through his skin, because Poe’s grin back was just as big. 

Amelia and Eli had finally been convinced to take a night to themselves, to attend a party at the hospital. As Finn and Poe entered the house, it became more apparent who had convinced whom that they needed some adult time. 

“I know you have my cell phone number and Amelia’s cell phone, but if for some reason something happens and you can’t reach us, here’s my pager number, and the desk number, and my boss’s cell phone-”

“Uh, are you sure your boss would want us to have that?” Finn asked, raising his eyebrow at Eli.

“Probably not, but-” Eli paused, looked Finn in the eyes, and shook his head. “I’m being ridiculous, aren’t I?”

“Parenthood _makes_ us ridiculous, Eli.” He patted Eli’s shoulder.

“But I’ll be less crazy eventually, right?”

Finn smiled. ”Yeah, sure, I’ll let you know when I stop feeling like I need to protect my children from the world.” 

They both turned to the door as Amelia and Poe walked into the kitchen. “And the milk is in the fridge; I’m sure he’ll be hungry before the top of the hour. You know the deal with that.” 

Finn watched Eli’s face transform as Amelia stepped around the kitchen, like she was the only person that mattered. 

“Amelia, you look stunning,” Eli breathed, pulling her nice coat from the hallway and opening it for her. 

The blatant love in his eyes made Finn both slightly uncomfortable and extremely happy for his daughter. Parenthood - it created such strange feeling combinations. He smiled at the picture they made, Amelia in a loose, earthy, flowy outfit, with her hair done up, and Eli in the black suit, hand in hers. 

“Our cell phones are on and ready to be called upon for check-ins,” Poe assured, crossing to Finn and wrapping an arm around his waist. “Have fun, kiddos.” 

With some  _ thank yous _ and a flurry of last minute instructions, Amelia swept Eli out the door and into the car, and Finn and Poe were left in the dark, quiet house. 

They ended up settling down on the couch together, baby monitor at the ready, their e-readers on their laps. Finn was tucked up against Poe’s side, their legs tangled together, his head on Poe’s shoulder. The quiet in the house and the reading made his eyes droopy, and he didn’t realize he’d actually fallen asleep until he was being woken up by Alex’s cries. 

“I got him, baby,” Poe said, with a press of lips to his forehead. “You get the next time.” 

He settled back into the couch, drifting as Poe prepared a bottle. When he heard Poe’s voice come through the baby monitor, though, he perked up slightly. 

At first it was just hushed whispers that Finn couldn’t quite make out, but then Poe began to song softly. A honeyed warmth passed through Finn: it was the old lullaby that Shara used to sing to him. The one he’d hummed under his breath for years - decades. 

Finn pushed off of the couch and made his way up to Alex’s bedroom. Poe was pacing the floor, dancing and rocking, just a little, while he sang, holding the swaddled bundle of cloth that was Alex.

And Finn fell in love with his husband for approximately the thirty billionth time since he first saw him sitting in the waiting room at First Order. 

And then Poe looked up at him, and smiled, and it was thirty billion and one. 

At Poe’s smile, Finn came over to wrap an arm around Poe’s waist, and joined in the song, or the lyrics he’d picked up over the years, anyway. They watched as Alex’s cries faded to tired whimpers, that morphed into sighs, and then he was sleeping, at least for now, and Poe placed him gently back down in the crib. 

Poe took him by the hand as they walked back through the house, stopping in the kitchen to drop off the bottle, then ending up back on the couch. He lifted a hand and cupped Finn’s cheek. “You know, used to be, when I spoke Spanish, it drove you wild,” he murmured, waggling his eyebrows, and Finn couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Yeah, well, it still does,” he joked. 

Poe slipped an arm around Finn’s shoulders and pulled him closer. “Now if I remember correctly, babysitters are supposed to invite their boyfriend over and make out with him on the couch while the kids are asleep, right?” 

“Fuck if I know.” Finn pressed his head to the side of Poe’s neck and giggled helplessly. 

“No, no, I think that’s right.” A moment of silence, as Finn continued to shake with laughter. After a few beats: “So, wanna?”

Finn grabbed a fistful of Poe’s shirt and drew him closer. “Poe Dameron, you are ridiculous.” 

Poe just flashed his winning grin, arched his brow, and repeated, “So, wanna?”

“C’mere,” Finn growled - though truly, it was still mostly laughter - and pulled his husband into a kiss.

As Poe sighed beneath him, going pliant under the kiss, Finn thought:  _ thirty billion and two. _


	81. Mix it up: Chris and Leia - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rated E for smut (not between Chris and Leia, lol)  
>  CW: discussion of gender confirmation surgery and neovaginas; panic attack
> 
> Year 28: Amelia/30, Eli/31, Caleb/25, Meghan/38, Chris/45, Finn/51, Poe/61, Riya and Alex/about 1.5

When he woke, his nose was buried in the crook of Meghan’s neck, breathing in her scent. She was spooned up against him, her sweet little ass against his morning wood in a way that had him contemplating how much time they had together this morning.

They had the cabin blessedly to themselves; Riya had slept over with the grandpas, at their request, and they were in a transition period in the veteran program that meant Chris was the only occupant.

This meant, Chris thought, that they could make a lot of noise. And since they had nowhere in particular to be… well. The morning seemed to be shaping up just fine.

He lingered like that, his face pressed to Meghan’s skin, his hand resting on her stomach, and let his eyes slip closed again. He’d see what Meghan wanted to do when she woke up.

 

Meghan woke up with a start, her heart still beating quickly from an anxiety dream. She reached over immediately to check that her phone didn’t have any messages from her dads, was reassured right away by the blank screen, and sighed back into Chris’ arms.

“Everything okay?” Chris rumbled behind her. God, she loved his voice in the morning.

She turned in his arms so he’d be able to see her lips. They often forewent full on signing when they were wrapped in each other like this, though they’d developed their own little system of signals that meant ‘good’ or ‘slow’ or ‘stop’ or ‘I love you a whole bunch, I am the luckiest person alive, please kiss me’. “Seems to be. Nothing from my dads. Just had a bad dream about Riya.”

Chris kissed her forehead and ran his fingers through her hair, detangling it a little bit from the night. “I’m sorry, darlin’. Want to talk about it?”

Meghan shook her head, and cuddled in closer, made their sign for “good” against his chest. She liked that Chris slept shirtless, even in the depths of winter. Liked to rub her face against his considerable amount of chest hair just to make him smile. She let his warmth chase away the dredges of the bad dream. When she’d gotten the comfort she needed, she pulled back so she could talk again.

“What are we supposed to do today?”

“I have a meeting at the main house this afternoon, at two.”

She glanced behind her, where the bedside clock told her it was eight. She turned back with a smile, running her fingers down Chris’ side and finding his hand, squeezing it. “So what you’re saying is, we have time.”

“That we do, darlin’.” He dipped his head down, met her in a sweet kiss.

She wrapped her leg over his hip and pulled him down on top of her, deepening the kiss as she did. He worked at the buttons of her long-sleeved pajama shirt, moving down to press kisses as he exposed more skin. Humming, she carded her fingers through his hair and watched his progress down her body. Her breasts had never gotten larger than an A cup, which she liked, honestly, and was glad he did too. He spent time there now, cupping the skin, sucking one of her nipples into his mouth gently.

He loved on her slowly, working her up, making her heart beat faster. Chris was so fucking good at this, at making her feel special and cherished and loved. She felt her body swell from it, intense, perfect. He checked in with her before moving to her vagina, and she gave him the “good” gesture again. And an “I love you” for good measure.

She loved the way her body did this now. It was slow, maybe frustrating to anyone who didn’t have the patience to worship her like Chris did. Yeah, it was slower, but lord, it was _so much_ more intense. She could feel the orgasm blooming inside her, warming her from the inside out, even though she wasn’t close yet. She sighed, hugging over her stomach as Chris sucked on her clit. She rocked her hips up, guiding him, moaning with pleasure when he heeded her.

“Lube?” he mumbled against her thigh, and she reached down to card through his hair in acknowledgement before twisting away. Tossing the lube down to him - he caught it in one hand with a self-pleased little grin that made Meghan’s heart twist - she leaned back and let him continue to do his thing.

Before she and Chris had had vaginal sex for the first time, she’d walked in on him - surprised him accidentally - studying his laptop intently, brow furrowed. When she’d made her presence known, she’d been surprised herself to see a blush cross his cheeks. After some amount of prodding, he’d admitted to researching neovaginas online and how best to please her. And that’s when Meghan figured out that she was probably going to marry this man.

Now he was an expert on her body, because hey, practice made perfect, or at least, practice made orgasm, most of the time. He slicked up two fingers and slid them inside her, checking her dilation, getting her wet, searching for her G spot. It was a tricky little fucker, not as easy to find as it had been anally, before, but he always gave it his best shot, her man. With fingers in her, and his mouth on her clit again, he brought her to peak, pleasure rippling through her.

He let her come down a little, still stroking inside her though, and kissing her thigh, and looking at her as lovingly as she was probably looking at him. With a signal, he crawled up her body, finding her mouth again, getting lost in kisses for awhile.

She pushed Chris gently onto his back, checking in with him now, getting the okay. She smiled, kissing him as she slicked up her hand and wrapped it around his cock. She loved stroking him, drinking down the groans he was making. He was perfectly sized for her, on the small side of average, so he wouldn’t bottom out and make it painful. She straddled him and sunk down slowly, running her hands over his chest and watching his face go tight with pleasure.

“Think you can come again?” Chris murmured, voice deep and desperate.

She shrugged carelessly, but grinned and moved one of his hands from her hip to her clit. “Let’s try.”

\------------------

Chris set the coffee - light and sweet, the way Meghan liked it - down in front of her as she spooned up some cereal. “<Thanks, babe,>” she signed, smiling up at him.

Saturday mornings didn’t really get any better than this. He sat with his own coffee - light, not sweet - and pulled the cereal box and milk over.

“<So what’s the meeting about?>” Meghan asked, before she continued flicking through her phone, catching up on social media.

“I… have an idea.” He spoke into the rim of his coffee mug, nervous.

“<Oh?>” She looked up, eyes intent.

Chris sighed, and met her eyes. “I think your dad is going to pass head manager of the farm on to me.” He watched Meghan for a reaction, but she gave none immediately.

“<That makes sense,>” she said eventually. “<Why does that make you nervous, Chris?>”

For some reason, her quiet show of confidence in him bothered him. “This is a million dollar business, Megs. I’m-” He bit off, not wanting to complete the sentence.

“<You’re a good farmer>,” Meghan murmured. “<You have a head for this stuff. And you’re already practically managing everything anyway. My dad’s been grooming you for this for years.>” She ran her finger around the rim of her mug. “<And honestly, I’d love to see Poe retire. Maybe Finn will, then, too, and I can stop worrying him driving to and from Salem every day.>”

She leaned forward, brushed her lips over Chris’. “<Are you going to turn down the offer?>”

“No, I- no. I’m not. Just-” he sighed again. “Just not sure if I’m the right person for the job.”

“<My dad loves this land with all of the parts of his heart that aren’t reserved for Finn, or us kids, or any of the people connected to him. He wouldn’t pass it over to the wrong person.>”

Undone, nowhere near as confident as she, he scrubbed a hand over his face.

“Hey.” She held his hand, and made sure her lips were visible. “You want to go pick up Riya with me and take her for a walk through the fields?”

He leaned in, resting his forehead against hers. “Yes,” he said gratefully.

\---------------------

When he arrived at the main house, he was surprised to see Cassie and Ben walking up hand-in-hand. “I didn’t realize you guys were coming,” he called, opening the screen door politely for them.

“<We’re helping Mom with some stuff after.>” Ben reached forward to open the door and let them in.

Chris was shocked, and had to pause in the doorway. Sure, he hadn’t been in the main house for like, a week, but everywhere, there were signs of moving. Packing boxes taped and ready to go. A box marked ‘give away’. All the homey touches Leia had put on the place packed away, apparently. “What-”

Poe appeared in the doorway to the living room and nodded his head toward them. “<We’re in here.>”

Leia was sitting in her arm chair, upright, a knitted afghan tucked around her. She was slowly, with shaky hands, wrapping tchotchkes in newspaper, but smiled as they entered, accepted a kiss on the cheek from Ben.

“So I’m the only one looking surprised right now,” Chris observed after the greetings were over.

Poe tapped his knee to get his attention, then signed, “<We’ve been keeping this under wraps, but Leia is moving in with Ben and Cassie.>”

“But the main house is bigger. Wouldn’t it make more sense for Ben and Cassie and the kids to move here?” Cassie and Ben had gained custody of her sister’s children a few years ago, after a terrible accident.

“This place is too big,” Leia said, Poe translating for Chris. “Too quiet, after Anne- Well. Anyway, too many stairs here, too.”

“When? How can I help?”

Leia beamed at him. “Well, Chris, I was hoping you’d ask. You see, this house hasn’t been empty since I bought it in the ‘70s. I don’t want it to be empty after I leave it, either.”

Chris stared at her blankly.

“<We’ve all talked,>” Poe said. “<You probably knew I wanted to offer you the farm manager position.>” Chris nodded, swallowing. “<We’d actually like to offer you the deed to the house, now, and the farm, in my will.>”

“I- what- I-” Panic slammed into him, and he stood, hastily, needing space, needing air. He made it to the front porch before he head to sit and stick his head between his legs and try to keep himself from hyperventilating.

Eventually, he felt the vibration of the front door opening and closing, and slow footsteps making their way to the porch swing. He looked up, surprised to see Leia through blurry eyes. “Can you read my lips from there?” she asked, and though it took him a second, he nodded. “How are you doing?”

“Um.” He scrubbed over his face. “It’s a lot.”

“You don’t have to take it, Chris.”

“It should go to family.”

Leia smiled. “It is,” she replied simply.

“I’m not family.”

“Oh? How would you define family?”

“It’s blood, it’s name, it’s-”

“And since when have blood or name ever mattered at Organa’s?” She leaned on her cane, pushing herself into a rocking motion on the porch swing. “Poe doesn’t have either, but he’ll own the farm when I'm gone.”

“Poe’s- Poe’s different.”

“He’s my son. And so are you. Well,” and she smiled, “grandson, maybe. When are you going to marry that girl, by the way?”

Chris choked on a laugh. “Um. Well. As to that, it would be up to that girl, really.”

Leia grinned. “Good answer.” She rocked back. “But in the meantime, here’s a nice big home, already hard-of-hearing accessible for her little one.”

“I have never been trusted with anything this big in my life.”

“I’d imagine Meghan would say differently, given that she’s trusted you with her heart.”

Chris laughed again, had to, because damn if she wasn’t right. Meghan’s love was the most precious thing he’d ever been trusted with.

“I don’t want the place to sit here and rot, Chris. And I don’t want it to leave the family. With you in charge, Poe and I know it won’t.”

“You are...really good at this.”

“You can’t be a female businesswoman in the seventies without learning a few tricks,” Leia said with a grin.

He stood, joining her on the swing, looking out at the Organa land in the winter mid-afternoon mist. He felt one of her arthritic hands take his, and he squeezed it back, warming it.


	82. The Lucky Jacket: Meghan and Chris - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3/4 of "The Lucky Jacket"
> 
> Chris has a question for Meghan.

It was raining when Meghan got to the farm, and it hadn’t been in Portland. She sighed. At least she had a jacket for Riya. She hurried to unbuckle Riya from her car seat and lift the three year old to the ground so she could run to the house and announce their presence by banging at the door with her little fists and giggling at the vibrations it made. That was Riya’s latest favorite thing.

Finn opened the door with a huge smile, and swept Riya up into his arms, placing a smacking kiss on her cheek. “<Hello, my darling,>” he signed, before turning to hug Meghan.

“<Hi, Papa,>” Meghan replied, using the sign Riya knew for her dad.

He set Riya back down on the ground, and Riya was off, heading for the toy box she knew was in the living room. “And where’s your coat?”

“I’m forty, Dad.”

Finn just arched a brow back at her.

Meghan rolled her eyes. “I was getting Riya’s stuff ready, and I forgot, okay?” She stuck her tongue out at him as she transferred Riya’s bag over to Finn’s shoulder.

“Well, take one of ours before you go out to find that man of yours.” He pulled her into a tight hug. When he released her, he pulled a coat off the rack and handed it to her.

“Dad’s lucky jacket?” Meghan’s fingers sank into the soft, aged leather. “Say, what makes it so lucky, anyway?” she asked as she shrugged into and wrapped it around her, then pulled an extra hat down onto her head.

Finn looked faintly embarrassed. “Probably just because it’s lasted so long,” he muttered. “Have a good time with Chris. I know Riya and I will have a good time here.” He winced as a crashing sound came from the living room area, and was already turning when Meghan headed back out the door.

_ At least I remember boots _ , she thought as she tramped through mud. She’d seen Chris early this morning, of course; had sent him off to work with a kiss and a mug of coffee. But Saturdays, she liked to come down and catch him for lunch, too.

She found Chris in the barn, grooming a horse, and was about to make her presence known by flicking the lights when she caught his rather loud muttering to himself.

“I know you already have a house, and I’m damn proud of you for getting on your own two feet and buying a house and paying your mortgage, have I ever told you that? Damn proud, always have been. But- No. No, don’t say But. But makes it sound like you’re not proud of her.  _ Still _ , yeah, that’s better.  _ Still,  _ I think we could really make something for ourselves here. And you’re working from home more often, now, so being at the farm wouldn’t be that bad, and-”

Meghan stepped in beside Chris and tapped him on the shoulder. He started, then turned to her. “<Are you going to ask me to move in with you? Here? At the farm?>”

Chris gulped. “Um. Uh. I realize it sounds really selfish of me. You already have a place, and you’d have to commute twice a week, and-”

Meghan cupped his face. “The main house?” she said slowly, letting him lip read.

Chris nodded. “We don’t have to-”

She kissed him, slow and sweet, something like belonging unfurling inside her. When she stepped back, she smiled. “<I love my house. I do. But the farm,  _ this  _ farm will always be my home. My safe place. I’d love to live here, with you.>”

Chris looked like he wanted to ask her if she was sure, about a million times, but then he was wrapping his arms around her waist and swinging her around the barn. He pressed up up against a beam and kissed her senseless. It was minutes later when he pulled back, hands on her arms, and furrowed his brow. “Why are you wearing your dad’s jacket?”

Meghan laughed, happiness bubbling in her. “<I guess it really is lucky.>”


	83. I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb has a secret, and he really doesn't want to keep it anymore.
> 
> This takes place 3 years after Meghan and Chris get together. Amelia and Eli have a son named Alex (so you know who I mean when you see the next line, which is current ages).
> 
> Year 29, May: (Amelia/31, Eli/33, Caleb/27, Meghan/40, Chris/47, Finn/53, Poe/62, Riya/3, Alex/2.5)

**Malik:** Our place at noon? I have stuff for a picnic. ;)

**Caleb:** I’ve got a family thing. Barbeque. I haven’t seen everyone in awhile because of track. :/

**Malik:** Oh, right. That’s fine!

Caleb imagined Malik’s brain, deciding to put that exclamation point on there as proof that he was totally, 100%, a-okay with Caleb going to see his family without his boyfriend of one year. Malik was good at lying to himself. Malik was good at lying to everyone, Caleb thought, not unkindly. When you grew up black in the extreme whiteness of Oregon, you learned to deal with it. When you were a nerd to boot, well, the bullying wasn’t pretty. It didn’t surprise Caleb that Malik was petrified of coming out on top of everything else that made him different. No, it didn’t surprise Caleb, but sometimes, the lying and the hiding tired him out. Especially lying to his family. A lie of omission, maybe, as no one had actually asked him recently if he was seeing anyone, but still, it was a lie, and the longer it went on, the worse it sat with Caleb.

**Caleb:**  You could come. I could introduce you as my colleague and friend.

Malik took a long time to reply. Finally:

**Malik:** You should have time alone with your family.

**Caleb:**  They’d like you. Even if we told.

Caleb worried that he’d pushed Malik too far when he didn’t answer for another fifteen minutes.

**Malik:** I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.

The text blinked at Caleb as his heart thundered in his chest. He reread once, then again. The words he’d been dying to hear from Malik, prefaced by doubt and accompanied with fear.  _ Fuck.  _ He thumbed off a quick reply.

**Caleb:**  I’ll duck out of the family thing early. Meet me at our place, 2pm?

**Caleb:**  Everything’s going to be okay

He hoped it was enough to keep Malik’s anxiety at bay. He saw the little message indicating his texts had been read.

**Malik:** I’ll see you at 2.

Caleb blew out a breath and looked out the car window to his sister’s house. All he could think about was Malik and the secret they’d been keeping for a year. And now he’d have to go in, put on a happy face, and pretend he was single and ecstatic about it. He set his jaw. He could do this. He could totally get through this day.

\------------

Eli’s face brightened when he swung open the door to find Caleb there. “Caleb, man, nice to see you. Ames wasn’t sure if you could make it or not.” The shorter, older man pulled him into the double-tap bro hug.

“Yeah, track, you know how it is in the spring. But we just got done with districts yesterday, so I’ve got a couple of days before I have to think about it again.”

“How’re your prospects?” Eli walked them through the entranceway, toward the noise of toddlers playing.

“Oh, we’ve got a couple of relay teams that I think stand a chance to place. Overall-”

“Unca Cay!” Caleb was tackled by the tiny ball of energy that only worked in “run” mode that was his two and a half year old nephew, Alexander David.

“Alex! How’s my little man?” Caleb swung the boy up and around to the toddler’s delighted giggles. At his knee, he felt a tug, and there was Riya, signalling that she wanted a turn too. “<Hi, little lady,>” he signed, setting Alex down and picking her up.

She gave her half-silent little laugh, then leaned in to smack a wet and for some reason sticky kiss on Caleb’s cheek. He set her down, and immediately the two were off together. They weren’t quite playing together yet, more like playing individually, side-by-side, but they were still two of his favorite things in the world. Caleb felt twin pangs of happiness and jealousy, watching the kids playing, seeing Meghan leaning against Chris on the couch.

“<Hey guys.>”

“Caleb!” Amelia tackled him from behind, her face burying somewhere along his back. “Baby bro,” she said, the joke old but endearing, considering she barely cleared his shoulder. “<I’m so glad you could make it.>”

Meghan stood and offered him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. “<You want something to drink?>”

“<Water’d be great, but I can get it.>”

“<Of course you want water,>” she said with a smile, patting him on the cheek. “<I need a refill anyway, Unca Cay, so I’ve got you.>”

“<She doesn’t mean you’re boring. But, you know, Caleb, sometimes you’re boring.>” Amelia elbowed him in the ribs with her joke. Caleb’s healthy habits were always a source of loving ribbing in the Smith-Dameron family.

Caleb smiled good naturedly as he took the chair nearest to Chris and crossed his legs. “<Are the dads not coming?>”

“When we left, they said they were running errands first, fixin’ to be here ‘round noon,” Chris replied, holding out his hand to shake Caleb’s in greeting.

Caleb relaxed into the chair physically, but had to work to get his mind to stop running, stop cycling through lesson plans for Monday, and sub plans for when he was gone for State, and stop rereading that text in his head.  _ I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.  _ Caleb made a fist as the talk circled around him. Malik had plenty of reason to be terrified, he could understand that logically. But it- God, he’d wanted the words to be grand, to be declared to him, proclaimed. This felt...wrong. Like Caleb wasn’t good enough for the declaration.

Meghan brought him a glass of water, stopping on the way to break up the fight that had broken out between Riya and Alex over a particular toy. She curled into Chris again, and the chat moved to their impending wedding, taking place on the farm in August. He was happy for them, he really was, but not for the first time did he feel bitter over having a closeted relationship while his siblings enjoyed their lives. It was so petty, and the thought always made Caleb want to kick his own ass, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Finn and Poe didn’t bother knocking, and Alex was racing to the door, Riya hot on his heels, before any of the adults could react to the noises in the hallway. They heard excited exclamations of “Popo!” (Poe) and “Papa!” (Finn), followed by Finn’s grunt. Finn came staggering in, pretending to be laboring under the weight of his grandchildren, one on each hip, the pair of them petting his gray and black peppered hair. Poe trailed behind, carrying a bag which, Caleb would bet at least ten bucks if he could find anyone to take it, contained one or more presents for the grandbabies. Finn and Poe really couldn’t help themselves, and Meghan and Amelia had learned to just let it happen.

Sure enough, after receiving smacking kisses to both cheeks, Finn set the kids down and gave them each “just something that had caught his eye while shopping.” They ran off to play with their newfound treasures, and Finn and Poe were swallowed in the hugs of their kids. When everyone had settled down again, Finn placed a present on Caleb’s knees before going to sit on Poe’s lap, leaning back and letting his husband’s arms wrap around him.

“<What’s this?>”

“<Don’t tell me you forgot your own birthday,>” Meghan said sarcastically, then poked Chris, who handed Caleb another package. Amelia scampered to the other room, then came back with a third and dropped it in his lap.

“<Just because you’ve got State on your big day doesn’t mean we can’t do a little celebrating now,>” Poe said, resting his chin on Finn’s shoulder. “<Happy 28th, son.>”

“<Guys,>” Caleb started, then couldn’t figure out what to say next. “<Thank you,>” he murmured finally. He knew he wasn’t always the most connected member of the family. Meghan and Riya lived on the farm with Chris, now, and Amelia worked nearby, and they both made more of an effort than he did to make it to Family Fridays. But despite Caleb’s disconnect, they still cared, they still propped him up, because that’s the kind of people they  _ were.  _ The kind of people who accepted anyone. The kind of people Malik hadn’t grown up with, neither friends nor family.

He shoved the thoughts aside, but they didn’t go far as he opened his presents. Gift card for a new pair of trainers from his dads, a drawing from Riya and a box of his favorite tea from Meghan and Chris, and a framed picture of Alex, his little black curls having been tamed for possibly the one minute it took to take the picture, for his desk at school.

It was the picture that did it. He would be pleased to add it to the other pictures he had of his family at school. It was good for the kids to see something personal about their teachers. It helped humanize them. What killed Caleb was the thought that he’d never have pictures of his own family there, never a photo of he and Malik together, sitting happily on his desk, reminding him that he had a warm place to return to after work, a place filled with love. It overwhelmed him, suddenly.

_ I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified. _

“<I’m seeing someone,>” he burst out. “< _ Have been  _ seeing someone, for awhile now.>”

The only sound in the room came from Riya and Alex as they banged their toys against other toys in whatever game they were playing. Caleb looked down at his lap, at the presents.

Meghan’s voice was quiet. “<Are you...okay? They’re not…>” She trailed off, but Caleb knew what she was asking. Knew what her background always put first in her mind. Chris squeezed her thigh and she gave him a small reassuring nod.

Caleb scrubbed a hand over his face. “<No, no. He’s not...it’s not an abuse thing. I promise. It’s…His family isn’t like ours.>”

“<He’s not out,>” Poe said simply, and Caleb nodded.

“<How long have you been, um, together?>” Amelia asked.

Caleb squirmed, unsure of the attention being centered on him at the moment. “<We’ve been … seeing each other for about a year, I guess?>”

“<Oh, honey,>” Finn whispered, fingers threading through Poe’s and squeezing. Caleb wanted that, wanted to be that support for Malik  _ so badly,  _ his heart thumped hard with longing in his chest. “<So besides you, does anyone know he likes men?>”

Caleb shook his head. “<It’s hard. He’s...he’s a teacher at my school. It’s not...it’s not going to get us fired, but there would be talk.>”

“There’s always talk. Worthless talk,” Chris added.

“<He’s not...he hasn’t had the easiest time of it, growing up.>”

Meghan cleared her throat and squeezed Chris’s hand before lifting hers to sign. “<Sometimes we forget, I think, and we get caught up in our bubble on the farm, and how nice everyone is to each other, and how accepting. We forget what it’s like outside in the real world.>”

“<Would he come to us? Maybe not be out to the world, but...with your family?>” Poe asked.

Caleb shrugged. “<I’m really not sure. He- He’s so afraid.>” He massaged his temple. “<And I- I love him, but I can’t- I don’t want to hide anymore. I can’t keep it up anymore, the lying. I just want...I just want to take family portraits, and go to dinner in our own town, and hold his hand in public.>” Caleb ran his fingers over the framed picture of Alex.

In the silence that followed, Chris slipped his hand across the space and rested it on Caleb’s knee, squeezing.

Caleb broke the silence. “<Sorry to be a downer,>” he said, a watery little laugh accompanying it that fooled no one.

Amelia unfolded herself from her spot on the floor, watching the kids, and held out her hand for Caleb. “<Come on, little bro. I got cake. Coconut, your favorite. Let’s go slice it up.>” Caleb let Amelia pretend to pull him up, and all of a sudden Alex and Riya were on their heels with cries and signs of “Cake?”

Trying to let the kids lighten his heart and his mood, he pulled Riya up and settled her on his hip, signing, “<Cake. Want some?>” Her excited clapping did the trick.

“My sisterly instincts say that you deserve to be out and proud, Cay,” Amelia started as she pulled the store-bought cake from the fridge.

“Ames-”

“No, I know. Coming out is different for everyone. You just-” She huffed as she started to slice the cake into wedges, placing them on plates that Caleb had set out for her. “We love you, Caleb, and you deserve someone who can tell you that, too.”

“He’s a good man, Amelia.”

“Good. I won’t have to hunt him down, then,” she replied, pointing her coconut cake covered knife at him, making Caleb feel like laughing for the first time that day. “Just remember, we love you, no matter what.”

“It’s not you guys that are the problem, but yeah, I know. I love you, too. I know I’m not the best-”

“Shut it,” Amelia said as she served two mini slices of cake to Alex and Riya at the tiny table just for kids. “Don’t make me kick your butt for disparaging my brother.”

Caleb gathered her up, chin resting on her head, squeezing her tight. She ran her hands down his back in comfort.

“You need help with anything, you better call me.”

“I will, I promise.”

\------------------

Caleb’s heart was heavy as he drove to “their place,” a secluded park two towns over. They’d had their first date there, their first kiss, just before summer vacation last year. It had been one of the better summers of Caleb’s life, last summer with Malik, when they could ignore, for the most part, their responsibilities, the fears of people around them. They’d gone to the coast for a few days and buzzed around, happy and in that new kind of love that one first feels in a relationship, that isn’t really love, just serotonin. When school had restarted, everything had lost it’s shine. Caleb had vastly underestimated how much it would kill him to see Malik day in and day out without being able to touch him, comfort him, hell, list him as his emergency contact. Facing his second summer with Malik, Caleb was having a hard time looking forward to the happy summer months of freedom, considering the miserable school year of hiding and lying and secrets to come after.

One thing was for sure, though, he realized when he spotted Malik on a bench, overlooking the Willamette River. He loved this man, and his compassion for the kids, and the brain that computed math problems way faster than Caleb could with a calculator, and his quiet vulnerability, built up over a lifetime of bullying for being a nerd.  _ His  _ nerd, Caleb sighed. Fuck if he didn’t make Caleb want to forget all of his worries about lying to everyone and hiding.

Malik turned at the sound of Caleb’s footsteps, a shy smile taking over his face. He stood, shorter than Caleb’s lanky 6’4” runner’s frame by a good five inches, his head fitting perfectly on Caleb’s shoulder when they embraced. Caleb dropped a kiss onto Malik’s shaved head - the easiest option, Malik always said, since he hated having to do anything that could be considered ‘styling.’

“How was your family?”

“Loud and happy, same as always,” Caleb said as they started to walk hand-in-hand along the waterfront. “They, uh, threw me a little birthday party. Cake and everything.”

“Oh,” Malik replied, surprise and a not-so-tiny bit of longing evident in his voice.

“Mal, I- I told them about you. I was- after your text, you were on my mind, and it just sort of burst out.”

“Oh,” Malik repeated. Then: “I’m sorry, Caleb. I wish- I wish your family was my family. I wish we didn’t have to hide. I wish…”

When Malik trailed off, Caleb said quietly, “Your family  _ could be  _ my family, Malik.”

“Caleb.”

“Did you mean it? What you texted me this morning?”

Malik glanced around the empty park and Caleb winced. He leaned against a tree, suddenly tired. “You don’t have to answer. I just - sometimes it feels like, when you don’t acknowledge me, it feels like I’m not good enough for you. I know,” he said when Malik opened his mouth to protest. “I know that’s not it. But it’s really hard for me not to feel that way.”

Malik stepped between Caleb’s legs and leaned into him. “I love you,” he whispered into the skin of Caleb’s neck, voice small, body following suit as he hunched over and tried to make himself less of a target. It still wasn’t the declaration Caleb had dreamed of, but it was what Malik could give him, and he’d have to be okay with that.

Caleb wrapped his arms around Malik and pulled him close. He could feel Malik shiver, and rubbed his back. “I love you too, Mal.”

“I love when you call me Mal.” Caleb’s laugh was soft against Malik’s scalp. “I love when you beat me to school and leave me something on my desk. I love watching you coach the track team, but God, Cay, I love watching you run, like you were meant to be running always. I love when you go off on some history tangent and prove you’re just as much a nerd as I am.”

Caleb squeezed Malik to him and sighed. “Got any more of that bottled up in there?”

Malik snorted. “I could go on. I love how humble you are, how-”

Caleb cut him off with a kiss, sure and sweet. “Enough of that.” His hands lowered, settling comfortably on the swell of Malik’s ass. “I love when you push your glasses up your nose. I love watching you show a kid how to get the correct answer. I love the little hollow, right here, under your jaw.” Caleb demonstrated, tipping Malik’s head to the right and pressing a kiss beneath his ear. Malik sighed and shivered, and Caleb felt his blood heat.

“I don’t want to hide, Cay.”

“I know, love, I know. I’m sorry I told my family.”

“You shouldn’t have to be sorry.”

“You shouldn’t have to be scared.”

“I think maybe...maybe I could meet them.”

“Yeah? I- you don’t have to do that. But I also really want you to do that.”

Malik pulled back and took Caleb’s hands, a determined look on his face. “You said there was birthday cake?”

“If my niece and nephew left any.” They began to walk back to the parking lot. “Hey, Mal?” He squeezed Malik’s hand. “I’m proud of you.”

Caleb watched Malik’s Adam's apple bob in a swallow. “I don’t know what else I feel comfortable with. Don’t feel proud of me yet.”

Caleb stopped and pulled Malik so they were eye to eye. “I know what a big step this is, Mal. I’m damn proud of you, okay? And you deserve it. We’ll figure out the rest as we go. Together, right?”

Malik squeezed his hand back. “Right,” he replied, with a nod.


	84. If you keep looking at me like that, we won't make it to a bed - Rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally chapter 21 in Out of Time
> 
> Takes places right after the last chapter.  
> CW: panic attack, anxiety over being outed.  
> Tag: demisexual character
> 
> 6a school = a really big school

Malik’s hands gripped the wheel tight as he followed Caleb’s car to meet his family. _ To meet his family. Fuck.  _ He noticed his knuckles were white and he forced himself to relax his hands and do a brief breathing exercise. For the love of Caleb, he could do this. He hated his fear. No, that wasn’t quite true. His fear kept him safe, and when he was safe, he could be comfortable. He hated what his fear was doing to Caleb. He had hated seeing Caleb looking so defeated, so tired, leaning against the tree in their park. Caleb deserved to bask in the light, hell, he  _ was  _ the light for Malik. Caleb was not the type of man who got off on the forbidden, the secret, and Malik wouldn’t have wanted that anyway. He wouldn’t have wanted to be some fetish for Caleb to find pleasure in.

It wasn’t thrilling. It was heartbreaking every damn day. And Malik didn’t want to have to take it anymore. He didn’t want the anxiety of it anymore, for himself or for Caleb.

Malik resisted turning off the highway at every exit and just sending an apology text to Caleb. He knew Caleb would forgive him. Hell, Caleb would probably tell him he was proud of him again, and that would be just too bitter of a pill to swallow. So Malik kept following Caleb, like a star draws planets into its orbit.

\----------------------------------

Malik had been orbiting Caleb Smith-Dameron for years at this point. He’d been starting his third year teaching when his high school headhunted fellow third-year Caleb from another school district to run the track program. When he’d introduced himself at the first staff meeting as the cross country and track coach and the new history teacher, Malik had automatically dismissed him in his mind as a jock. Probably one of those teachers that tried too hard to be friends with their students and wouldn’t bother with intellectual challenge since he’d be gone so much for coaching. Gorgeous, too, so no doubt half the school would have some salacious nickname for him, like Mr. Hottie, by noon on the first day back. Malik wrinkled his nose, then readjusted his glasses.  _ Whatever _ . The benefit of teaching at a 6a school was the fact that the math department and the history department basically had nothing to do with each other. He could easily avoid those deep brown eyes and neat cornrows.

“His name’s Mr. Smith-Dameron but everyone’s calling him Mr. Smith-Damn, son.”

“Oh, and he told us he had a boyfriend, without even blinking, and then said that he’d be helping Ms. Monson with the Acceptance Club this year, and-”

“Yasmin, Barry, while I appreciate you guys being welcoming to new staff members, I think that we should be focusing on recruitment strategies for mathletes to replace the seniors we lost?”

“Yes, Mr. Ford,” the two senior officers of the Mathletes Club mumbled dutifully. They started brainstorming ideas.

It was brave, Malik figured, telling kids your orientation on the first day of school. He thought of the few teachers that had had the “This is a safe zone” sign in their classroom when he’d been in high school, and how he’d been able to relax, even minutely, in those classes more than anywhere else in the world until he’d moved out of his parents' house and into his own apartment. He would never have considered confiding in one of those teachers, but he could grudgingly admit admiration for someone who was providing the same type of space for students like him. He longed for the normalcy that seemed to come easily for Mr. Smith-Dameron.

As predicted, other than through the grapevine of students, he had no interaction with Caleb for the entirety of their first fall together. It wasn’t until November that their paths crossed significantly. Malik was in the habit of keeping in shape by coming into school early and swimming laps in the pool. Even though the school’s workout facility was gorgeous - funny how there was always money for athletics, wasn’t it, but a class set of graphing calculators was just a bridge too far - few staff members used it, and most mornings, Malik found himself alone in the whole facility.

Until November, when a certain history teacher started showing up regularly to use the treadmill. Christ, his stride was steady, and beautiful, and those tiny running shorts should be outlawed, and Malik ended up so distracted that he lost track of his space and slammed his hand into the wall, jamming his finger. “ _ Fuck."   _ He finished up his laps quickly, trying to burn off his frustration, but his mood was fouled for the rest of the day, because every time he closed his eyes he saw Caleb in those  _ fucking  _ tiny shorts.

Malik didn't know what to call himself, exactly. It was just that he’d always found it pretty easy to ignore sexual attraction. Or maybe easy wasn’t the right word. Safe. He found it safe to ignore sexual attraction. Outside of a few short learning experiments in college, he’d been able to stick to that plan. Until Caleb Smith-Dameron.

They kept meeting in the morning, sometimes exchanging words, but for the most part, each getting through their workouts in silence. If Malik thought that he caught Caleb checking him out in his suit as he walked to the locker room to shower, well, Malik chalked it up to Caleb being one of those stereotypical male jocks who couldn’t be monogamous if they tried.

One morning, Caleb joined him in the pool, swimming laps a few lanes over from him. It was obvious Caleb wasn’t well trained, and he only made it through a few laps before he ended up propping himself on the side, panting. He signaled Malik when he came back around, and Malik stopped, pulling his goggles off and wiping water off of his face.

“Hey, man, this shit is  _ hard.  _ I am admiring you so much right now.”

Malik shrugged. “Your form is horrible, that’s probably why you’re so exhausted.” He winced internally - sometimes he was too matter of fact to be considered polite.

Caleb just nodded, not looking insulted at all. “Yeah, I mostly just learned the basics so my parents could be sure I wouldn’t drown. I didn’t figure it’d be that much different, just going in a straight line, you know? But damn.” Caleb smiled, and Malik couldn’t help but smile back.

“How come you’re not running?”

“Track starts soon and I’ll be getting plenty of running in with the kids. I was hoping I could take up swimming as a type of cross training.”

“I could give you some pointers if you want, next time.”

If anything, Caleb’s smile got wider, and the whole pool area seemed to lighten. “That would be great, Malik,” and Malik felt a little jolt of surprise that Caleb knew his name, but Caleb was already continuing “I was going to ask you if you wanted to hang sometime. I didn’t really realize how isolating it would be out here in suburbia, and I feel like we need to stick together, you know?”

As quickly as the mood had lightened, it all came crashing down around Malik. “Who told you I’m gay? How do you know? Oh god.” Nausea swamped him as his anxiety started to shut him down and the only thing he could think was  _ run.  _ He levered himself out of the pool quickly and stumbled toward the locker room, managed to make it to the toilet before being sick. He flushed and sat back against the bathroom stall wall, knees hugged to his chest, shivering because of the panic and the freezing tile floor. He counted primes in his head, breathing in and out and trying to stop his mind from looping through all of the “what ifs.” He ignored Caleb when the other man sat beside him.

“Hey, Malik, would you like this?” Caleb held out a towel and Malik nodded, taking it and folding it around himself slowly.

“I’m not going to tell anyone. I just need you to know that. Your secret is safe with me, ‘kay?” Caleb’s voice sounded miserable.

“How did you find out?” Malik managed. He was still cycling through all of his recent interactions, trying to figure out where he’d slipped up.

“I didn’t. I was talking about our race, not, um, I guess, our sexuality.”

Relief and anger at himself flooded through Malik. “Oh,” he replied dumbly.

“I’m just used to being around a lot more diversity, and being the only two black people at this school, I thought maybe we could be friends.”

Malik nodded, the aftermath of the anxiety attack making him feel weak. He groaned inwardly at the idea that he’d have to teach today. “I’d appreciate if you, um, didn’t-”

“Of course not, man. I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m so sorry. I can, um, I can go back to the treadmill. I don’t want to make you uncomf-”

“Oh, fuck that. You know now. Obviously I’m not going to make you uncomfortable, since you’re gay, too. You might as well stay.”

“Bi, actually. Bisexual, biracial, bipedal… haha?” Caleb tried a tentative smile, and Malik found his own lips lifting, too.

“Keep coming to the pool. I’ll teach you how to swim laps, because the way you’re doing it, you’re going to end up drowning yourself.” Malik waited for the anxiety to rise in him again now that someone knew his secret, but he found it wasn’t coming. Caleb seemed trustworthy, despite Malik’s earliest judgements of him. He’d heard enough through the kids that Mr. Smith-Damn, son, was kind, non-judgemental, and students felt safe with him. He supposed he could do the same.

Through the spring, Malik kept his word and showed Caleb proper swimming techniques. Caleb started dropping by Malik’s room to ask teaching advice, and sometimes Malik ate lunch with Caleb and some of the other coaches. They’d formed a friendship, and it was nice, Malik realized, to have a friend who was going through similar things that he’d gone through.

“Knock, knock,” came Caleb’s voice one late afternoon, and  _ goddammit,  _ he knew they were friends now but did Caleb  _ really  _ have to torture him by coming to visit after track practice, all short shorts and glowing sweaty skin and perfection?

“Hey, Cay,” he managed to answer, then looked back down at the paper he was grading. Suddenly all of the numbers were swimming in front of him and made no sense. The only time that happened was when Caleb was in the room.

Caleb folded his ridiculous limbs into one of the student desks in front of him, and waited patiently for him to finish grading. Malik sighed and looked up. He’d have to finish the grading later. “How was practice?”

“Good, good. Give me a couple of years and I’ll build the best program this side of the valley,” Caleb said with a grin. Sometimes Malik envied that easy arrogance.

“I’d believe it.”

“Hey, what are you doing this weekend? There’s no meet and it’s supposed to be nice. That’s probably why there’s no meet. If there was a meet, it’d be forecasting rain.”

“Uh, what did you have in mind?”

Caleb looked down at his clasped hands in unusual shyness. “Um...I was wondering...I know this park, farther south, near where my parents live, it’s pretty out of the way, I mean. Really unlikely that anyone we know would be there.”

Malik drew his brows together. “What are you asking, Caleb?”

Caleb met his eyes again. “Would you like to go on a date with me? To the park, this Saturday,” Caleb hurried to clarify.

Malik stared at him, his heart racing. “Aren’t you dating someone already?”

Caleb frowned. “No, we broke up last October.”

“Oh,” Malik said faintly. Then: “Yes. Yes, I’ll go on a date with you.”

The grin on Caleb’s face made grading impossible for the next twenty-four hours.

After that first date, and the sweetest first kiss Malik had ever experienced, it had been easy to say yes to Caleb again and again. Caleb was respectful of his wishes to keep their relationship a secret. He was easy to open up to, and Malik found himself telling Caleb things he’d only thought to himself and never even said aloud.

They booked a hotel in Newport for a few days, and Malik had never felt lighter than he had, holding Caleb’s hand as they drove through the Coast Range to get to the ocean. As if the mountains provided cover from the real world, Malik found himself relaxed enough to drape his arm on Caleb’s waist as they checked into the hotel, to buy Caleb something from the souvenir shop and present it to him with delight, to stare into his eyes across their candlelit table that night at dinner.

“You keep looking at me like that, we won’t make it to a bed.” Caleb’s voice was deep and full of promise.

“Maybe that’s the idea,” Malik purred. He experienced an out of body moment -  _ was that really me?  _ \- before sliding his foot along Caleb’s calf.

Caleb’s eyes were hot on his as he signaled the waiter for the check. On the drive back to the hotel, Malik couldn’t keep his hands off of Caleb, off himself - he’d never felt more turned on in his life. The second he had the car turned off, Caleb was unclipping his belt and pulling Malik to him, getting caught on seatbelts and the gear shift and the emergency brake as he scrabbled for purchase in Malik’s dress shirt. The minute their mouths made contact, they both groaned, frantic in their need.

Caleb had him out and pressed against the door to their hotel room - regrettably on the  _ outside  _ and not the inside - in another minute. He worked the key card with one hand as the other wrapped around the back of Malik’s neck and brought their mouths closer together. They stumbled into the room on a laugh, and Malik kicked the door shut as he pulled at his tie. Caleb did the same. They hurriedly undressed, eyes on each other, until they got down to their boxers, which was similar enough to their swimsuits that they didn’t think about being shy.

“What do you want to do?” Caleb asked, arms circling around Malik’s waist and bringing him back for another kiss.

“Everything,” Malik panted when they broke apart.

Caleb laughed, the sound light and airy and lifting Malik’s heart. “Any particular place you want to start?”

Malik’s hand brushed boldly across Caleb’s boxers, then hooked his thumbs in the waistband. “This okay?”

“More than,” Caleb said with a smile.

Malik leaned back in for a kiss, then wandered over to his bag to get condoms and lube. Slowly he pulled the elastic of Caleb’s boxers down, sliding it over Caleb’s erect cock with exquisite care. He knelt, then looked back up at Caleb. “I’ve imagined how I would do this for a really long time.”

Caleb’s eyes widened. “Yeah?”

“Oh yeah,” Malik murmured, tearing open a condom packet with his teeth and sliding it over Caleb’s dick with his mouth.

“Oh,  _ fuck. _ ” Caleb collapsed onto the edge of the bed, and Malik followed, engulfing Caleb’s cock in his mouth once more, savoring the feeling, wondering if he could push farther. A sloppy blowjob had been one of his experiments in college, but the guy had been smaller. Caleb was long, just like the rest of him, and perfect, just like the rest of him, and Malik wanted to try, but he had his doubts. Not that it seemed to matter to Caleb, who was whimpering above him and clutching at Malik’s scalp, not pressuring, just caressing. Malik swallowed around his head, and worked another inch in, then began to bob, swirling his tongue around. He wrapped a hand around the length that he couldn’t fit in, and palmed his own dick with his free hand.

“Mal, oh God, Mal-” Caleb moaned, voice wrecked, and Malik felt power course through him even as his own orgasm hit and he came in his boxers. Caleb gripped his head, stilling it as he came in the condom, other hand tangled in the bedspread.

They washed up in the shower, Caleb holding him against his chest, Malik feeling wonderfully warm and content. “What do you want to do next?” Caleb whispered in his ear, and Malik grinned.

It didn’t take Malik long for him to notice that keeping their relationship secret was making Caleb miserable, once they came back to school in the fall. Caleb had an extremely different background than he did. He talked freely about his dads and their love for each other. Caleb was a hands-on person. Malik could practically see his fingers twitching to touch him when he leaned on the door to his classroom to ask a question. Eventually, Caleb stopped visiting him during the day when he knew he couldn’t show anyone how he felt about Malik. Malik had been sure that their breakup was on the horizon, had started girding himself for the inevitable arguments about being out.

The arguments never came. Instead, Caleb took him away for the weekend, after cross country season was over, and took him apart, body and soul, as they made love in an anonymous hotel in Seattle. The pattern continued: Caleb would avoid him during the day, so afraid was he of slipping up and accidentally outing Malik, then pull him away for private time whenever he could.

Malik knew it was killing Caleb, and he wondered how long Caleb would be able to take it before the benefits of their relationship were outweighed by the negatives.

**Caleb:**  You could come. I could introduce you as my colleague and friend.

It was the most Caleb had ever asked of him, and his automatic response was to say no. He typed it out, a polite no, then held his thumb over send for a long time, thinking about Caleb’s eyes and Caleb’s arms and the post-it Caleb had left on his desk on Wednesday that said “You can do this!” even though he was holding himself back from visiting Malik personally. He hit send.

**Malik:** You should have time alone with your family.

**Caleb:**  They’d like you. Even if we told.

Malik knew a lot about the Smith-Damerons by now. He knew about their backgrounds, and the safe space they’d carved out for themselves and defended fiercely. In his mind, they all shone as brightly as Caleb did, and Caleb deserved that kind of happiness. So did he, Malik figured. Caleb made him happy and he made Caleb happy and he didn’t want to lose Caleb-

He didn’t want to lose Caleb.

He didn’t want to think about Caleb not being with him.

He wanted Caleb in his life.

He was in love with Caleb Smith-Dameron.

_ Fuck. _

**Malik:** I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.

_ I’m terrified about what that means. I’m terrified because I know we can’t keep going on the way we are. I’m terrified because what if I do this, what if I come out, and you leave me, and I’m out and alone and afraid? What if- _

**Caleb:**  I’ll duck out of the family thing early. Meet me at our place, 2pm?

**Caleb:**  Everything’s going to be okay

Malik scrubbed a hand over his face. He had to trust Caleb.

\------------------

Caleb opened his door for him when he didn’t immediately get out at the small, pretty house. “You still sure about this?” he asked as he held out his hand.

Malik bit down on his lip and nodded, letting Caleb pull him out of the car and into a hug.

“You can do this. You are so strong. And they don’t bite, I promise.”

Caleb walked right in, and Malik followed, his hand resting on Caleb’s back as he used him as a shield. The house was quiet, quieter than Malik had been expecting, given Caleb’s descriptions of the family. A man came into the hallway, about his height, with short blonde curls, and his face lit up with a polite smile.

“Hey, welcome back,” he said quietly. “Riya and Alex are both down for a nap, so we’re just chilling and trying not to make any sudden moves.”

Caleb smiled, then stepped aside so he could put an arm around Malik. “This is Malik Ford. Malik, my brother-in-law, Eli.”

Eli held out his hand and Malik shook it firmly. “He forgot to mention that I’m- I’m his boyfriend,” Malik said in a rush, ripping off the band-aid.

Eli’s smile grew. “Welcome to the family, Malik. Let me tell you, uh, if you’re not necessarily a touchy-feely person, the Smith-Damerons can be a little overwhelming at once. But it’s a wonderful family to be transplanted into.”

“I know,” Caleb said softly. “We all know.”

Malik looked up at Caleb. He talked a lot about his dads but he rarely talked about how he’d come to be a part of their family. Somehow the reminder that Caleb had once been just as much an outsider as Malik sent him a little rush of self-confidence. “Shall we?” he asked, moving toward Eli.

Caleb grinned at him and nodded.

From there, it was a rush of faces and names and lots of signing that Malik realized he was going to have to pick up on. Luckily most of the time they spoke aloud, too.

They shifted outside when the kids woke up, and Malik found himself sitting on the side, watching Poe, Caleb and Amelia show Riya and Alex how to play soccer. He knew he had a stupid grin on his face as he watched Caleb kick the ball ever so lightly to Riya, who grabbed it with her hands and ran away, to the amusement of all of the adults.

Finn was sitting next to him, and laughed. “Soccer with toddlers never changes. I coached Caleb for five years but I’m pretty sure the first three were just watching the kids run around in a clump, trying not to touch the ball with their hands.”

Malik smiled appreciatively, trying to imagine a pint-sized Caleb playing soccer.

“I hope we haven’t been too much?” Finn asked lightly as they continued to watch.

Malik shook his head. “No. Um. No, it’s been okay.”

“It’s amazing, what love has the power to do,” Finn said, almost to himself, as he watched his husband pick Alex up and blow a raspberry on his stomach. “Fear is almost as powerful. Our own, and other people’s. But love blows it away every time.”

Malik couldn’t think of anything to add as they watched the cutest pick-up game in the history of humanity unfold. Caleb met his eyes across the yard and winked, and Malik felt love flower up in him. What if it could be like this all the time? What if Caleb and Malik could commute to work together, and Caleb could drop Malik off at the door to his classroom with a kiss on his cheek and a bag of leftovers from the night before? The image warmed him, and for the first time, looking at Caleb and seeing the support they would have, he thought that maybe the love could overpower the fear.


	85. Finn's chat with Malik - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Malik's conversation from the last chapter told from Finn's POV. Originally a tumblr minific.

If you asked Finn, he wasn’t the musical one, Poe was, obviously. That didn’t stop Finn from his little habit of humming some little something under his breath when he was particularly happy. Like, for instance, right now, when he was downright incandescent, surrounded by his children, and grandchildren, and watching the love of his life play a pick up game of soccer.

That’s why he was humming under his breath as he pulled a folding chair up to sit beside Malik, who was taking everything in quietly. The man had wavered between bravado and being scare witless over the course of the afternoon. Finn felt a fierce need to protect Caleb, it was true, but like he always did with lost souls, he felt his heart reaching out for Malik, too.

He hoped they’d make it work.

“I hope we haven’t been too much?” he asked after they’d been watching for a little while.

Malik was quick to shake his head. “No. Um. No, it’s been okay.” 

Finn watched Poe pick up Alex and blow a raspberry on his stomach. His heart swelled in his chest, like it had done many times before. Sometime Finn wondered at its incredible capacity. “It’s amazing, what love has the power to do. Fear is almost as powerful. Our own, and other people’s. But love blows it away every time.”

Malik was silent next to him, and Finn hoped he hadn’t overstepped, considering he’d only met him a matter of hours before. “You think?” Malik said finally.

“I think Poe and I have been extremely lucky. It’s not that we’ve never faced homophobia. It’s that we’ve built a network around ourselves to help us when we do.”

Malik had such a look of yearning on his face as he watched Amelia steal the ball from Caleb and shoot into the makeshift goal.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore, Malik. You need a home for the holidays? We’ve got it. You and Caleb getting flak for your relationship from parents? I happen to know a pretty good lawyer.”

Malik looked down at his hands, which were clenched in his lap. “Why would you offer that to me?”

“You’re probably expecting me to say something like ‘because you’re with Caleb.’ Or, ‘because Caleb’s never brought a date home, much less one he’s been dating for a year.’ That would be true. But what’s more true is that you’re a person, and you deserve all of that. You deserve support and happiness. You don’t deserve anything less.”

Finn watched as Malik digested that. When he discretely dashed a tear out of his eye, Finn reached across the space and squeezed his knee. “Welcome to the Smith-Damerons.”


	86. In the Bleak Midwinter - M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe wake up on Christmas morning and spend some time together.
> 
> Originally posted on tumblr ages ago and I didn't put it in here, but now it is!

In the bleak midwinter, Finn Smith was lazing about in bed, not wanting to leave the warmth of the comforter or his husband, whose limbs were currently entangling Finn like some type of cuddly octopus.

“We need to start the cinnamon rolls,” Finn whispered into the dark.

“Mmph.” Poe’s acknowledgment grumbled in his ear, and Poe squeezed him tighter. “I thought the kids’ present was that we got to sleep in.”

“Is that how they sold it to you?”

“You have to admit, it’s a pretty good way to get us to cook Christmas lunch.”

Finn turned so he could wrap around Poe, too, his eyes resting on the bandage on Poe’s forehead. “You think maybe they wanted to give us a little…break? Together? After…”

Poe nuzzled into his neck. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I promise you.”

Finn took in a slow breath, then exhaled. “Falls at your age-”

“You make me sound so old.”

“Honey-”

“I know. I’m sorry. If I think of something that needs doing in the dark, I’ll call Chris and have him get one of the young hands to handle it.”

“When I heard you yell, Poe- and there was so much blood.”

“Head wounds bleed like a bitch, you know that.” Poe pressed a kiss to his cheek, wiping away the tear that had fallen there. “I’m sorry I scared you, baby. Pretending I can do things I can’t anymore…saving face is not worth it if it shortens my days with you.”

Something inside Finn clicked at that, turned over, soothed. They’d been ‘quarreling’ for quite awhile over Poe’s continued physical role on the farm, and Poe clinging to tasks he shouldn’t be doing anymore. But the way Poe put it - Finn hadn’t realized that Poe’s risks had been hurting _him_ by making him feel less valued than the farm, something Poe had never done in their entire relationship. More tears fell. “I didn’t realize I needed to hear you say that so badly.”

“Aw, baby, please don’t cry. You know it kills me.” Poe’s thumbs brushed the tears from his cheeks. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.”

Poe brushed their lips together, his winter beard scratching comfortably against Finn’s morning stubble. Poe sighed, melting in Finn, and Finn drew him closer.

They lay like that for awhile, melting into each other, enjoying each other’s kisses. Poe broke off to lay his head on Finn’s chest, and Finn began to run his fingers lazily through Poe’s gray curls. Poe, the lucky bastard, had managed to keep his hair. Finn had begun shaving his head the moment his receding hairline started to show too far. Now he knew why his dad had shaved his head. Still, since playing with Poe’s hair was one of his top most soothing acts, he guessed he couldn’t complain too much.

Poe’s hand, meanwhile, was sliding down further, seeing if Finn’s dick was taking any interest in the proceedings yet. “What do you think? Want to make use of all this free time we have?” His fingers slid casually over Finn’s cock, stroking lightly, and Finn sighed, feeling his cock begin to stir.

“I think I could be persuaded,” Finn answered, then sucked in a breath when Poe’s tongue dipped into his ear. “Okay, I’m persuaded.”

Many extremely satisfying minutes later, Finn was still quaking from his orgasm when Poe crept back up his body, snuggling into his side.

“Now we really need to get up and started on the cinnamon rolls,” Finn said with regret after taking Poe’s mouth one last time.

“Yeah,” Poe sighed, before they both started the process of groaning out of bed.

In the bathroom, Poe caught him around the waist as he brushed his teeth, pressing a kiss into his neck. “Remember our first Christmas together?”

Finn snorted, then spat. “I remember you trying to figure out how to throw me a traditional Christmas when you’d been avoiding them yourself for a good long while.” He turned, letting Poe press him against the counter, and cupped Poe’s face. “I remember knowing for sure I wanted to spend the rest of my Christmases with you.”

“Lord, looking back, it seems so empty, doesn’t it? Just the two of us celebrating.”

“Not empty. Never empty, even if it is just the two of us.” He leaned into Poe’s chest, swaying with him to an unheard song. “Love you.”

“Love you back.”


	87. The Main House - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meghan and Chris get married. Originally appeared as a tumblr minific. 
> 
> (Amelia/31, Eli/33, Caleb and Malik/27, Meghan/40, Chris/47, Finn/53, Poe/63, Riya/3, Alex/2.5)

Chris had walked up the stairs to the main house a thousand times or more. He’d turned the knob on the front door just as many times. Had entered, calling out to Leia even as he headed to where she’d most likely be, the kitchen.

Rarely had it echoed with silence as it did now. Ben and Cassie had moved Leia to their house on the Calrissian land; it was one level, which was easier for her, and she was even closer to her grandkids that way.

They hadn’t wanted to leave the house empty, though, and so a combined force of Cassie, Poe and Leia had convinced Chris to accept the deed as the manger of Organa’s Organics. Poe was phasing himself out, taking on more of the paperwork and less of the grunt work, and dealing more with the veteran program. Chris, who’d never been able to bring himself to walk away from Organa’s, fit into Poe’s role perfectly.

It was funny, though, Chris thought, as his boot steps echoed in the hallway. They hadn’t wanted the main house empty, but even with Chris here, it sure as hell felt that way.

————

She’d never been more radiant. Looking at her practically stopped his heart. Meghan’s hair flowed in waves over her shoulders, the flower crown holding her simple veil ringing her head. She wore a cream sundress, flowing in the gentle breeze, and his ring on her finger. Beside her, little Riya matched her mama, right down to the flower crown, though there was a smudge of dirt on her sundress. The sight of the brown stain made Chris’ grin pop up. His little girl never let something like a fancy occasion and a pretty dress get in the way of a good time.

“<Ready to go home?>” Meghan asked.

All Chris could do was nod, his throat working to swallow the giant ball of emotion that had made itself known there.

Meghan tinked her glass for attention. “<Thank you guys so much for attending,>” she started. “<Chris and I are ready to go celebrate in private,>” she said with a wink, and the wedding attendees laughed, “<but first, would you please grab a glass and join us on our walk home?>”

Chris grabbed his beer, but then Riya was tugging at his pant leg, and he chuckled, handing his glass off to Meghan. He lifted Riya to his hip, accepting a smacking kiss on the cheek, and joined the procession to the main house.

At the stairs, Meghan stood on the first step and faced the crowd. She handed Chris back his glass, and raised her own, then set it aside to use both hands. “<Raise your glass if you’ve ever felt like Organa’s is your home.>” She smiled, and all Chris could think again was  _ radiant _ as the crowd raised their glasses in the air. “<Organa’s is our special place. The place where we can feel like us. I’d like to dedicate this toast to the woman who made it all possible. To Leia Organa.>” Meghan raised her glass in the air again, then took a sip. Everywhere, the crowd murmured “To Leia,” some mournful, some grateful.

“<To love,>” Finn called out, and the crowd agreed.

“<To land. And hard work,>” Poe said, and half the crowd groaned at their boss before concurring.

“<To Meghan and Chris. Carry on the legacy.>” Ben’s voice rumbled low.

“<To Meghan and Chris.>”

With a kiss to her cheek, Chris handed Riya off to Finn, who took her happily, then turned to Meghan, grin wide. Her eyes got big a split second before he swept her up in a bridal carry, knocking her flower crown loose on her head. The crowd cheered as he carried her up the stairs, and she turned the knob open for him. With a final wave, and a hooting from the attendees, Chris brought her inside and kicked the front door shut.

“Welcome home,” he murmured.

In answer, she brought him down for a sweet kiss.


	88. The Lucky Jacket: Caleb and Malik - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb borrows the Lucky Jacket to dress up like a genuine cowboy. Part 4/4 of the Lucky Jacket series. 
> 
> (Amelia/31, Eli/33, Caleb and Malik/27, Meghan/40, Chris/47, Finn/54, Poe/63, Riya/3, Alex/2.5)

“And to what do we owe this pleasure?” Poe asked when he’d opened the door to reveal Caleb.

Caleb normally would have made a quip about his dad not being happy to see him, if he actually thought that was the case. Instead, he went in for a quick hug, then pulled back. “So my school is doing Homecoming,” he explained as he went partially down the hallway. From the living room, he could hear Finn saying hi, but he paused at the coats. “And we’re doing dress up days, right? And one of the days is ‘cowboy.’ And I thought, where better to get authentic cowboy gear, than my cowboy dad?”

“I’m not a cow-”

Finn appeared in the hallway, already shaking his head. “If it dresses like a cowboy and rides a horse, honey.”

“Thank you,” Caleb said with a laugh. “You’re totally a cowboy, dad. Plus I was thinking of doing a lesson that day on the diversity of the cowboy population. I’ve got a great primary resource by Nat Love? He was a former slave, headed west after the Civil War. Anyway. Authenticity always sells a lesson.” He waggled his eyebrows at his dad, until Poe laughed and relented.

“I’ll go get my dress hat,” he said with a sigh, and headed upstairs.

Caleb turned to Finn. “Dad has a  _ dress  _ c owboy hat. How does he not-”

Finn just shook his head again. “Son, I’ve tried to convince that man for years. Believe me.” He rifled through the coats, and his hand paused on one. He glanced between Caleb and the jacket,  a considering look on his face. “Here, this one would look good on you. You’ll have to go elsewhere for a pair of boots though, oh tall one,” Finn smirked as he looked up the several inches his youngest had on him. ”Add some tight jeans and a button up, and you’re golden. You’ll do Nat proud.”

Caleb flashed a grin back. “Thanks. That’s the idea.”

Finn squeezed his shoulder. “You do  _ me  _ proud. And your mom. Making sure people don’t forget us in history.”

Caleb was surprised, and let himself be pulled in for a quick hug. “Well, that’s part of why I do it,” he murmured, thinking of Malik, of the casual racism they both still faced despite their school being a mix of white and latino students.

“Okay, how does this look?” Poe popped back down the stairs, a little winded, and settled the hat over Caleb’s cornrows. “Nice,” he said in answer to his own question. “Now, can we wrangle you into dinner? And how come you didn’t bring Malik with you?”

“I swear you like him more than me,” Caleb complained, not that he minded. Lord, he loved that his parents loved the man he loved.

“Shh, don’t let our secret out,” Finn teased.

Caleb went through his schedule in his mind. “I’ve got planning to do, so no dinner. But I could stay for a cup of coffee, or tea?”

“We’ll take what we can get,” Poe said, hooking his arm around Finn’s waist and heading off to the kitchen.

\-----------

The outfit looked awesome, if Caleb did say so himself, and his lesson went just as well. He’d even managed to surprise Malik into a blush, which was about as close as Malik got to PDA at school. Still, he’d been pleased, and filed the information away for later.

He’d barely been home long enough to do anything, hadn’t even kicked off his shoes yet, when his apartment’s doorbell rang. He glanced through the peephole, then smiled wide and swung the door open to Malik. “It’s a school night, what’re you-”

“You-” Malik started, then apparently changed his mind and pushed Caleb inside, shoving the door closed and pressing Caleb against it, covering his lips, devouring, plundering, leaving Caleb wondering what the fuck was happening. “You do not get to wear this- this- this  _ getup  _ ever again, you hear me?”

Caleb managed to blink before Malik was on him again, and his blood went to boiling in a second flat. He pulled Malik’s glasses off because they’d been pressing into his cheek, and threw them in the vicinity of the small table he kept by the front door. Malik paid no mind, attacking his neck, pulling back the button up’s collar to suck bruises on his skin. When Malik ground against Caleb’s cock, Caleb’s knees buckled and they fell to the floor.

“Ow,” Malik gasped, before pulling off Caleb’s - Poe’s - hat and tossing it away. He worked impatiently at the buttons on Caleb’s shirt, then latched onto one of his nipples as soon as they were exposed.

“Oh, fuck-” Caleb moaned, wondering where the hell this was coming from and how the hell he’d gotten so lucky. And why the hell he’d decided tight jeans would be a good idea. He groaned, hands pulling away from Malik’s body and down to his fly, where he was straining painfully.

“Let me,” Malik growled, and shooed his hands away, grinning when he’d gotten the pants open and shoved down far enough to reveal Caleb’s cock. He flicked his eyes back up Caleb’s body. “Can I?”

Caleb laughed a little desperately, still trying to catch up to whatever was happening. “Be my guest.”

Malik grinned, and descended, enveloping Caleb in the moist warmth of his mouth. Caleb moaned, running a hand over his own hair, then Malik's scalp, needing to ground himself with something. Malik wrapped a hand around the base of Caleb’s cock and pumped up to meet his lips.

“Shit, Mal- god.” Caleb’s head was spinning, and everything was perfect, and he lost all meaning of time and space, existing solely for Malik’s lips on his cock. He wasn’t even sure what was coming out of his mouth, except curses, and Malik’s name, and love.

He was mildly aware that Malik’s own pants were open, that he had a fist wrapped around himself, too, was getting himself off, too, somehow, the talented bastard. The knowledge brought Caleb swiftly to his edge, and he tapped rapidly on Malik’s shoulder - sometimes Mal didn’t like to swallow - but Malik nodded, his eyes hot, and Caleb flooded his mouth. With a groan, he fell back against the floor, chest heaving, as he listened to Malik come.

Christ, his blood was still on fire, and he shrugged out of the jacket and button up, then used the shirt to clean Malik off tenderly. “Hi,” he managed, pulling Malik into his arms.

“Hi.” Malik’s hand was resting on his bare stomach, his head buried in the crook of Caleb’s neck.

“So, uh- did you want to spend the night? It’s a school night.”

Malik groaned into his throat. “I know. I’m tired of this, Caleb.”

Caleb’s heart immediately leapt into his throat, even as his mind told him to  _ be calm, you don’t have mind blowing sex with someone in their entryway because you’re so desperate you can’t wait, just to break up with them.  _ “Tired?”

“Spending my nights alone when I could spend them with you. Not being out at school. Not that I would have made a move at school, but-” Malik pressed a kiss into his collarbone. “I wouldn’t have had to skulk about and wait for you to leave so I could leave, either.”

“You want to move in together?” Caleb cursed the squeakiness of excitement in his voice.

“I- Yeah. That’s what I’m saying. I want to live with you, and be open about our relationship to more than just family and friends. I want- this sounds so silly.”

Caleb brushed his lips over Malik’s forehead. “So? Be silly with me. You know it’s safe.”

Malik squeezed him quickly, in appreciation. “I want, when people see you wearing what you wore today, looking so good… I want them to know you belong to someone. That’s you’re taken, you’re mine, and no one else’s.”

“That’s not silly,” Caleb murmured. “That’s...that’s good. I like that.”

“I guess I got a little fired up today.” Malik snorted at his own understatement.

“I like you a little fired up. I like you, period.”

Malik found Caleb’s hand and linked their fingers together. “We should probably start with Rochelle. The union probably knows the best way to go about this.”

Caleb brought their hands up to his lips, and pressed a kiss on Malik’s knuckles. “Let’s think about logistics later. Tomorrow, maybe. I could use some dinner, how about you?”

“Yeah, dinner would be good.”

Still, they laid there for another few minutes, cradled in each other’s arms, in each other’s love.


	89. Shut up and kiss me - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tiny tiny little Calik fic. Because I needed the fluff.
> 
> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 24
> 
> (Amelia/31, Eli/33, Caleb and Malik/27, Meghan/40, Chris/47, Finn/54, Poe/63, Riya/3, Alex/2.9)

Malik was fidgety, and Caleb was having a hard time not dragging him to the closest private room - which just so happened to be their principal’s bathroom - because when Malik was fidgety, all Caleb wanted to do was sooth him back to calm, with touches and kisses and sweet words whispered in his ear. Malik was fidgety, and Caleb was fairly helpless, because someone would notice if both of them went missing and then exited the bathroom together.

It was the first staff function they’d attended _as a couple_. Malik normally hated these things anyway, but Caleb knew that with the added pressure of the meaningful looks they were getting, Malik was on edge. It was the staff holiday party. They’d told their principal a few weeks ago, when they’d discussed moving in together and realized they really didn’t want to hide anymore. It had been an awkward meeting, with their union rep there to make sure things went smoothly, but their new principal had been extremely understanding. Since the meeting, they’d “come out” of sorts - gone Facebook official, which really hadn’t surprised that many of the veteran staff, to be honest, started apartment hunting, started carpooling to work together, started going on dates in their hometown. The notes of encouragement they’d received from former students and parents mostly outweighed the trolls.

“Do you want something to eat, hun-Malik?” He corrected himself quickly, but Malik still flinched at the epithet in reaction. “Sorry,” Caleb mumbled.

Malik pursed his lips, closing his eyes, probably counting primes in his head, Caleb thought. It was one of his calming techniques. When he opened his eyes, he looked less nervous and more determined. “No, it’s me. This is...I just need to...buck up.”

Caleb’s arm ghosted over Malik’s waist. “We can leave if you want, Malik. I promise I don’t care. We can go home, cuddle up with some cocoa, watch another ep of Luke Cage…”

Caleb could sense Malik hesitating, then he looked over Caleb’s shoulder and nodded. “C’mere.” He pulled Caleb by the hand to a doorway, then stood under it expectantly.

“Uh…?”

“Look up, Cay.”

Caleb glanced up, and realized quickly that they were standing under a mistletoe bunch. “Oh.” He looked back at Malik. “Mal, you don’t have to do this. We don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”

Malik took a deep breath. “Sometimes, we’re proving things to ourselves, okay? So shut up and kiss me.”

“Okay, Mr. Bossypants,” Caleb murmured before leaning in for the sweet, almost chaste kiss. When he pulled back, he could tell Malik’s face was flaming, but he had a determined set to his shoulders.

“Let’s go get some food.” He placed a hand around Caleb’s waist, leading him, nodding at colleagues as they went.


	90. Caleb's new clothes - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last night I decided there wasn't enough Calik porn in the world, and dammit, I'm the only one who can solve that problem. Beautifullights suggested I write some Calik enjoying lingerie, and here's what happened. Rated E, E, and more E. But it's also Calik, so you know they're going to be sweet and domestic, too.
> 
> Year 30, early spring: (Amelia/32, Eli/34, Caleb and Malik/27, Meghan/41, Chris/48, Finn/54, Poe/63, Riya/4, Alex/3)

Malik had a million things on his list, and he tsked at himself for just leaning against the counter, enjoying his cup of coffee, for the fifteen seconds he'd allowed himself. Why he and Caleb had decided to move in together  _ during  _ the school year was beyond him - except, of course, he thought with a small smile to himself, for the fact that neither of them had wanted to wait any longer.

He took a sip of coffee and stared around the kitchen. It was slowly coming into shape, although they’d mostly been surviving on pizza. They hadn’t just decided to move into one of their current apartments, no. They’d decided to rent a fucking house together, and now they were consolidating two households into one. No matter how much they’d planned, it was crazy and chaotic and a mess.

Malik was loving every second of it.

He looked idly in a box, wondering where to start, sipping his coffee, when he paused, came across the giant bottle of lube -  _ and how the fuck did that get in a kitchen box? Oh god, what if someone else had seen it when they helped unpack -  _ and nearly did a spit take. He grabbed it, determined to put it in its place before anyone like Caleb’s parents or sisters found out that they - gasp - had sex.

When he rounded the corner for the bedroom, though, he did do a spit take. Or maybe he drooled the coffee out, he wasn’t quite sure. “Wha-”

“Hey, babe.” Caleb smiled at him, then turned to get something from the dresser. When he turned, Malik saw his full ass, surrounded by straps, and then Caleb was facing him again, and there was his dick, covered in a tight black cup. “What?”

“What- what are you  _ wearing  _ ?” Malik leaned against the doorjamb, out of breath all of a sudden.

“I was going to go for a run before we got started for the day. It’s a jock. Jockstrap. Um. I always wear them for running, it just keeps things more comfortable.”

“You mean, you were wearing that all those times I ogled you from the pool while you were running on the treadmill?”

A faint blush tinged Caleb’s cheeks. “Yeah, always.”

“My god.” Malik took the chance to ogle the long, lean lines of Caleb’s body now. “My god,” he said again, and Caleb grinned.

“You like what you see?” Caleb strode slowly toward him, taking the coffee cup from him and setting it away, then the lube, where he did a double take, grinned, and tossed it to the bed.

“I like what I see,” Malik managed. He traced over one of Caleb’s strong shoulders. “I like it a lot.”

Caleb took a step closer, his body sliding up against Malik’s. “Thank you.” He leaned in, nipping at Malik’s neck, careful not to leave a mark.

Malik groaned and took what he’d been offered, one hand sliding up to grip at Caleb’s cornrows and pull him down for a kiss, the other slipping behind to Caleb’s bare ass and squeezing tight. He drank in Caleb’s groan. “You look fucking amazing in this,” he said, tone almost a growl. “I don’t know how I’m going to handle knowing this is beneath your running clothes when you go out. I don’t know how I’m supposed to resist this ass.”

“You don’t need to right now,” Caleb pointed out. “Isn’t that the point of moving in together. Instant access?” He rolled his hips into Malik’s, and Malik could feel his stiffening cock through the fabric.

“Thought you needed to go for a run?”

Caleb shrugged, kissing Malik again. “I can get my exercise another way.” He took a step back, winking, then turned, sashaying back to the bed, letting Malik catch every single muscle moving under the skin, every little jiggle of the fat Caleb carried nowhere else on his body except for - that  _ ass. _

With another growl, Malik followed quickly and tackled Caleb to the bed. The kitchen could wait another hour.

\-------------------------------------------

A few weeks later, Caleb managed to beat Malik home. Normally he would have waited for Malik while he ran the Mathletes meeting, but he’d gotten a notification on his phone that his package had been delivered, and he hadn’t been able to wait.

It was in a discreetly marked box, which was nice, considering he was currently nodding and waving at their elderly neighbor while he held a box full of sin. Well, he hoped, anyway. Eagerly, he let himself in the house, trying not to wince at the boxes still piled in the entrance way. They were making headway, but Christ. Amelia had been so horrified when she’d brought their housewarming present that she’d immediately organized a Smith-Dameron help party for tomorrow. At this point, Caleb would take any help he could get.

Tonight, though. Tonight was for fun and relaxation.

Caleb rushed to the bedroom, stripping quickly and showering off the day’s sweat and the morning run he’d taken. As he soaped his body, he absently stroked his cock a little, thinking of the treat waiting for him - and Malik, he hoped - in the box.

Clean and dry, Caleb tore into the package and pulled out the yellow lace jockstrap. It had a thick black waistband, a black cup, and stretchy yellow lace that strapped around his thighs. Eager, he slid it on and admired himself in the mirror. “Malik is so dead,” he said with a snicker to himself.

He didn’t really have a plan, and when he heard the sound of the front door opening, he panicked, throwing the package away. He threw a pair of athletic shorts over the jockstrap and headed to the front of the house to find Malik. He didn’t have to wander far, as Malik was already looking for him. Caleb smiled at Malik's prim and proper outfit - Christ, he'd even worn a perfectly knotted bow tie and suit coat today. With the glasses, he reminded Caleb a little of Indiana Jones in professor mode. Kinda made Caleb want to write "love you" across his eyelids. Caleb knew Malik had dressed up for the math meeting the district held; he always liked to dress up for district brass. The lines of stress etched into his face told Caleb it hadn't been a great meeting.

Malik dropped his grading bag to wrap his arms around Caleb. “Oh my god, that was a  _ day. _ ”

“Welcome home, baby,” Caleb murmured, kissing at Malik’s neck and rubbing soothing circles over his back. “Drama with the Mathletes?”

“Mathletes, math department, just fucking drama, all day long.” Malik pressed closer. “Well hello there. Someone’s happy to see me.”

“Always,” Caleb promised with a smile. “I’ve got a surprise for you. Since you survived drama day. A surprise, a way to let out some of that latent energy and get relaxed. I probably could have waited for a special occasion but, hell, you’re always special to me.”

“Well, now I’m curious, and you’re not a tease, so you might as well just lay it on me.”

"You sure? You looked wiped."

Malik nosed into Caleb's bare chest. "I'm starting to revive."

Caleb smiled a half smile and took Malik’s hand, drawing him back to the bedroom. Standing by the bed, he guided Malik’s hands to the waistband of his shorts. “Go ahead,” he whispered.

He held his breath as Malik eased the shorts off and let them pool on the ground. He looked down, and took a small intake of breath, then let it out slowly. “Baby.”

“You like it?” Caleb chewed his lip until Malik looked back up at him, pupils already blown.

“I like it. I like it so much, I don’t really want to see you out of it yet.”

Caleb’s eyes went wide. “Yeah?”

Malik’s look was cautious. “Would you- would you wear this around the house tonight? Just this? Your choice,” he exhaled, “but-”

“Yes,” Caleb managed. “Yes, I’ll wear it around the house for you. Although we might have to bump the heat up a little,” he added with a grin.

“Worth it,” Malik replied. He loosened his bow tie, then twirled a finger. “Show me the whole thing.”

Caleb’s heart rate kicked up, and blood rushed to his cock, which strained against the black cup.  _ Jesus. This is going to be one hell of a night.  _ He turned for Malik, letting him take in the way the black and yellow framed his thighs and left his ass bare. Grinning a little to himself, he bent at the waist, letting his legs fall open a little, and heard Malik moan.

“Christ, baby, you are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” Malik’s voice was rough with want.

It was the desire in his voice that was the true compliment for Caleb, because Malik fell somewhere on the ace spectrum, though he hadn’t decided where. For Malik, sexy was easy to point out in others. It was an objective fact in his fact-filled brain. Caleb: sexy. Donald Glover: also sexy. Donald Glover didn’t turn Malik on, though; turning Malik on, that took a special something that apparently only Caleb had. He preened and straightened. “What do you want to do?”

Malik finished undoing his bow tie and tossed it over a chair along with his suit coat. “I think I’m going to change into something a little more comfortable, too. Plus I don’t want to get these slacks dirty, pressing them is a bitch.”

Caleb grinned, reaching up to help Malik with his dress shirt. “You make such a pretty picture like this, though.”

“Fair,” Malik replied with a smile. “But that gets a little too much into ‘naughty student/professor’ territory for my taste.” He shrugged the shirt off, let Caleb suck a mark on his skin over his heart. “Baby,” he said again, running his hand over Caleb’s braids.

“Can’t resist. Can never resist you. Fuck.” Caleb undid Malik’s fly, helped his boyfriend step out of his slacks, watched him fold them and hang them in the closet.

Malik slipped into cotton lounge pants and a soft t-shirt, one from a math camp he’d taken students to several years ago. He held out his hand for Caleb, and they walked together to the hallway, where Caleb bumped up the heat a bit. “Want some dinner?” Caleb asked.

Malik grinned. “Yeah, but I better cook. I don’t want you burning anything precious. Plus I doubt that thing, as beautiful as you look in it, is inflammable.”

“Point,” Caleb conceded as they rounded into the kitchen. He leaned up against the island and watched Malik go to work, crossing his arms over his chest. When Malik turned around from the fridge, he paused, letting himself take in the sight of long, lean, tall Caleb, one hip cocked against the island, chest and biceps on display. “Christ,” was all he said as he set salad fixings down on the counter. “On second thought, here, dice some veggies, so you can’t just stand there and distract me.”

Caleb snickered but complied, starting on the red pepper while Malik got the pan going for the tilapia. “So what was the drama in the math department over?”

“Test scores,” Malik grumbled. “Admin is putting pressure on us,  _ again.  _ Makes me want to jump ship over to social studies, you know.”

“Hey, don’t come angling for my job,” Caleb murmured, setting down his knife and rubbing a comforting hand over Malik’s back as Malik poured olive oil into the pan to heat. “You do an amazing job with students. Your test scores will get there. And if they don’t, there’s not a damn thing admin can do about it, not when you’ve got kids getting fours and fives on the AP Calc exam every year. That’s your program, baby, and they’d never get rid of you.”

Malik sighed. “Yeah.” He leaned back to kiss Caleb on the cheek, and looked down to check him out again. “Christ,” he muttered once again. “I don’t know how we’re managing to be so...so domestic, with you in that thing, but I fucking love it.”

Caleb grinned, letting his hand sweep down to goose Malik’s ass, then pulled himself back over to chopping. “I’m glad you love it. Got the idea after you saw me in my running jockstrap, you know.”

Malik hummed. “Yeah, that was a good night. This one’s shaping up to be, too, even after a crappy day. You are- you have to be the best boyfriend in the world, not that I have a lot of experience to judge.”

“I’m not going to deny it,” Caleb joked as he moved on to the cherry tomatoes, slicing them in half.

There was a sizzle as Malik let the tilapia drop into the pan. Caleb got out plates, tossing the romaine with the veggies and splitting it in half. Task complete, he let himself lean against the island again, watching the muscular expanse of Malik’s back, watching his broad swimmer’s shoulders twitch as he worked the pan. Then again, Malik turning  _ Caleb  _ on had never been a problem.

Malik turned, surely catching the glint in Caleb’s eye, and grinned as he slide the pieces of fish onto their plates. He carefully set the hot pan in the sink and then turned, pinning Caleb against the island, pressing into him, dragging his mouth down for a kiss before letting it break to pepper more kisses down the column of Caleb’s throat. He breathed in the scent of Caleb’s shower-clean skin like a man dying of oxygen. “You. You just.” As words failed him, he kissed Caleb again, until Caleb’s world was spinning a little, and he had to grip the island not to lose his balance. “Let’s eat,” Malik finally managed. “So we can move on to better things.”

Caleb managed a nod, letting Malik pull him along to the table. He jumped a little at the coldness of the wooden chair on his bare ass, but it quickly warmed under his body heat. He let Malik take the lead of the conversation, mostly just gazing across the short space between them, surely with heart eyes the size of dinner plates showing on his face. Caleb knew in his bones that he was going to marry Malik one day. He wasn’t in any rush to the altar, though, because any talk of it tended to trigger Malik’s fear of homophobia and being shunned by a community he’d worked so hard for.

So far, the school and the administration had stood behind them. There’d been an incident in the fall, when a parent had asked that their student be transferred out of Malik’s class. They’d been perfunctorily told that Malik was the only AP Calculus teacher in the school, and the best one in the district, as far as the administration was concerned, but the parent had pulled their kid out of the school regardless, despite the student’s wishes to graduate with her class.

That one incident, though, was drowned out by the amount of support they’d gotten from staff, students, and parents. Still, Caleb knew it weighed on Malik’s mind.

When they’d finished dinner, and were idly chatting, Caleb let Malik sit back and watch as he got up to clear the plates and clean the dishes. He’d barely made it through their two plates before Malik was pressing into him from behind. “Let’s leave it for tomorrow,” Malik murmured into Caleb’s ear.

“Okay,” Caleb breathed out, feeling Malik’s stiff cock pressing into his ass. “What do you want to do now?”

Malik just smiled and walked Caleb back to the bedroom. He stripped out of his shirt, pants, and briefs, letting Caleb admire him, glowing a little at the desire in Caleb’s eyes. “Let’s go to bed, Cay.”

As Caleb grinned and eased down onto the bed, Malik got one of the bottles of lube - oh, the joys of consolidating households - and grinned right back. “Lay back for me, baby.”

Caleb lay back against the sheets, and Malik kneeled between his legs, spreading his thighs wide so he could see Caleb’s hole. Shaking his head a little, Malik leaned in, pressing kisses to Caleb’s thighs, over the lace, feeling the texture of it with his lips. “Gotta say, Cay-Cay, yellow is your color.”

“Yeah? They also had turquoise, but I wasn’t sure if it would look good. Didn’t want to order more than one of something over the internet I hadn’t tried yet.”

“Oh, it’s looks good,” Malik murmured as he moved progressively closer to Caleb’s hole. “You’ll have to show me the site later, so we can pick out some more stuff together. Maybe something all-lace.”

Caleb was barely able to agree before Malik was licking a circle around his rim, then moving in to slowly fuck him with his tongue. “Fuck, Mal,” Caleb groaned, arching his hips toward Malik’s face.

Malik braced his hands on Caleb’s hips and sank in further, loosening the tight ring of muscle and driving Caleb crazy in the process. Unable to move his hips, Caleb sank his fingers into the sheets and squeezed his eyes shut, giving himself over to sensation. He wasn’t sure exactly how long Malik held him on the edge, fucking him, then sitting back and admiring his handiwork, then moving in to fuck him again, but Caleb was breathless, writhing against the press of Malik’s hands.

“Please, baby,  _ pleeease _ ,” Caleb whined, unable to take anymore of the pleasurable torture.

“I’ve got you, Cay,” Malik murmured. He leaned back and slicked up two fingers, sliding them into Caleb easily and beginning to scissor and stretch. He hummed, happy at the image of his fingers being swallowed up by Caleb’s hole. He took Caleb efficiently to three fingers, watching him writhe.

When he let all three fingers slip out, Caleb groaned, and looked up at him belligerently, which made Malik laugh. Caleb’s expression cleared, and he was obviously scheming. “Come get what you want,” Malik murmured. He sat back, knowing what was about to happen.

“Gonna be like that, huh?” Caleb muttered, pushing Malik a little roughly onto his back. It was an action they’d established as okay long ago, and Malik just grinned up at Caleb.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be like that. Wanna watch these babies work,” Malik murmured as he squeezed one of Caleb’s thighs.

Caleb took the lube and slicked up Malik’s cock, stroking it long and hard, just to give some back. In a moment, he was straddling Malik’s body and easing himself down onto Malik’s cock. They both groaned in satisfaction as Caleb sank all the way down. He place his hands on Malik’s chest to steady himself, and began to fuck Malik’s cock slowly.

Malik took Caleb’s thighs in his hands, feeling the muscles bunch under his fingers, watching the yellow lace expand and contract, so gorgeous against Caleb’s skin. Above him, Caleb was lost to pleasure, eyes closed, head tipped up. Malik let one of his hands drift to the black cup of Caleb’s jock strap, stroking the thick column of Caleb’s cock, feeling the wet spot where precum had soaked through. He pulled a little, setting the head of Caleb’s cock free so he could see it weep precum.

“Mal, Mal, Mal,” Caleb chanted, grinding his ass down on Malik’s cock.

“I’ve got you, baby,” Malik murmured. He kept stroking Caleb’s cock as Caleb sped up and cried out, clenching down around Malik as he came all over his stomach.

Malik groaned and flipped them, pressing Caleb hard into the sheets and fucking him with all his strength. It didn’t take long before Malik was stiffening, spilling into Caleb and collapsing on his body.

“Oh, oh shit,” Caleb moaned

“Holy shit,” Malik agreed, kissing at the hollow of Caleb’s throat.

Caleb stroked down Malik’s back. “Shit, I love you.”

“Love you too, Cay. Thanks for the surprise.”

“You are extremely welcome.” Caleb stretched as much as he could, pinned under Malik as he was. “You know what we should do next?”

“What?” Malik grunted.

“Hot tub.”

“Oh,  _ shit.  _ I really love you.” Malik latched onto his skin, well below where it would be visible by anyone unless they saw him naked, and sucked a bruise. “You are the smartest boyfriend in the entire world.”

Caleb eased them into a sitting position, letting Malik slip out of him. “Says the man who does primes in his head to calm down.”

“Uh-uh,” Malik murmured, kissing Caleb sweetly as Caleb cradled him in his lap. “You are every bit as smart as me, and don’t you imply otherwise. You’ve got way more facts about history, and politics, and geography, floating around in your head than I will ever fathom.”

Caleb blushed and pressed their cheeks together. “Okay, time for towels,” he groaned finally. Their hot tub was in an area secluded from the neighbour’s sight, but the walk to and from the tub was out in the relative open.

Malik groaned as he eased off of Caleb lap and stood, then pulled Caleb up with him. He hummed his appreciation at Caleb, the jockstrap shoved down to reveal his soft cock, his stomach spattered with cum. “Fuck, Cay, you are also the hottest thing on two legs.”

Caleb grinned. “Right back at you.” He stepped out of the jock strap, throwing it in the hamper, and slung his arm around Malik’s waist for support. Malik snickered, almost like he was drunk, and steered them to the laundry room, where they got clean towels, slipped on sandals, and headed out for the hut tub.


	91. An Early Morning Phone Call - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared as a tumblr minific.
> 
> Finn and Poe receive some early morning good news. 
> 
> Year 31: (Amelia/33, Eli/35, Caleb and Malik/28, Meghan/42, Chris/49, Finn/54, Poe/63, Riya/5, Alex/4, Michael and Violet/9)

“You pick it up!”

“I don’t want to!”

“Neither do I!”

Finn groaned, rolling over in the bed to answer his ringing cell phone. It was late enough on a Sunday morning that he wasn’t expecting an emergency; just an annoyance. Still, when he saw the Facetime request with Caleb, his heart kicked up a little with anxiety. Caleb and Malik were on a trip with some students on the East Coast. But surely Caleb wouldn’t be calling if something was wrong…

“‘s Caleb,” Finn muttered, hitting Poe in the chest to get him to wake up. “Hey, buddy, what’s up?”

Caleb’s bright, happy face filled the screen, and at least that was one worry down. “Hey Dad! Look where I am!” Caleb held the phone out, and Finn could make out the Lincoln Memorial behind him.

“Cool, son,” Poe mumbled, having flopped himself over to see the phone screen, his head on Finn’s bare shoulder. “You know Sunday is the one day I get to sleep in, right?”

Finn was just about to poke Poe into being more enthusiastic for their son who  _ never _ called them when he caught a glint of something and went alert. “Caleb, is that-”

“I said yes!” Caleb exclaimed through the screen, his loud yell tinny in the quiet of the bedroom as he held up his hand, a gold ring glinting there. Suddenly Malik was in the shot too, arms circling Caleb’s waist, lips pressed against Caleb’s cheek.

On his shoulder, Poe had perked up too. “Congratulations, Caleb. Malik. Thank you for making an honest man of my son.”

Malik’s laugh was deep and so, so happy. Finn knew Poe felt like Malik was their own son, now, because he felt the same way. Their honorary fourth lost child.

Okay, well, maybe 6th, if you counted Eli and Chris.

“He told me he wanted to get a picture of me standing where MLK did, but instead of pulling out his phone, he got down on one knee. And the kids knew! The kids were in on it, those rascals. Oh my God. Oh my God, my baby,” Caleb gushed, pulling Malik close for a kiss. “They made signs, like those prom signs, you know? But they said “Mr. Smith-Dameron, will you marry Mr. Ford?” instead.”

“Baby, you know I love you, but we need to get going or we’ll miss our ticket time for the White House.” Malik turned to the screen. “Finn, Poe, thanks for your blessing. We’ll definitely talk later.”

“Wait,  _ they _ knew too? You little rascal, you-”

“Byyyyye,” Malik called before cutting Caleb off with a kiss and hanging up on them.

Finn wiped the tears from his eyes. “Shit, I knew it was coming, and I still cried.” He set the phone back on the bedside table and turned back into Poe’s arms.

Poe kissed Finn’s wet cheek. “You were due. I got all my tears out when Malik came and asked us.”

“I’m so proud of him. Of them.”

“Me too. But Caleb’s going to the bottom of the will for waking me up on a Sunday.”

Finn laughed, burrowing in further and kissing Poe’s neck. “Put Malik on there instead for making our boy so happy.”

“Sounds-” Poe yawned. “Sounds like a plan.”


	92. The Calm in the Storm - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally appeared in Out of Time as chapter 25. 
> 
> Caleb/Malik - newly married Caleb and Malik deal with a student.  
> CW: Implied child abuse, implied underage sexual assault.  
> Year 32, April: (Amelia/34, Eli/36, Caleb and Malik/28, Meghan/43, Chris/50, Finn/56, Poe/65, Riya/6, Alex/5, Michael and Violet/10, Misael/15, Angelia, 9)

Caleb paused a moment in the doorway, watching his husband glare at his computer, then turn back to the stack of papers, then glare again. “You keep that up, they’re going to be upping your prescription, babe,” he called from the doorway, his heart flying when Malik looked up at him and smiled. The love and need hit him smack in the chest, quickening his heart beat and sending want soaring through his bloodstream. “You ready?” If he sounded a little breathless, let Malik think it was from the Cross Country practice he’d just completed. Images in his mind of Malik bending him over the nearest surface and just pounding into him flitted through his mind.

“Almost,” Malik answered distractedly. “Just let me finish entering this assignment. Did you get your stuff already?”

Caleb patted the athletic bag slung over his shoulder as he walked into Malik’s classroom and closed the door behind him. “I’m good.”

“Sorry, hun. Seriously, I’ll just be a second.”

“Yeah?” Knowing full well what he was doing, Caleb perched on the edge of Malik’s computer desk, waiting for his husband to give him attention. Or, more accurately, waiting for Malik to notice that Caleb was still wearing his running shorts. The short ones. The ones that drove Malik crazy.

Because hey, it was Friday night, and Caleb had _plans_ . Plans that involved taking his husband home, getting them both a little drunk, and having Malik fuck him until they were both so worn and boneless they’d just fall into bed...probably by 9, because they’d both been up since way too freaking early. And they very blessedly had absolutely _no_ obligations for tomorrow. Caleb squirmed a little, thinking of exactly how he wanted to lay out for his husband. The kitchen table might be a nice option. Or the couch...

And the plan started with Malik looking up from his computer and noticing his legs, dammit.

Caleb smiled as Malik did exactly that, drinking up Caleb’s lengthy, exposed, muscular limbs, to the short-short covered butt that was currently residing on his desk, up to Caleb’s amused face. To Caleb’s consternation, though, Malik frowned back at him. “Hey, wasn’t Misael Pimentel one of your track kids last year? Relay, right?” He looked back at his computer screen, brows furrowed over his glasses.

Caleb took a second to mentally refocus. “Yeah, that was a tragedy. Jonathan hadn’t dropped that baton, Misael’s team would have gotten first at State. As a freshman. Good sport though. Told me on the bus ride home, ‘Next year, coach.’” Now Caleb frowned. “Why, what’s up?”

“He’s failing Algebra 2. His attendance has been pretty erratic, did he do that last year?”

Caleb gave a partial shrug. “I mean, he couldn’t fail any classes and still be in track, so I know he at least wasn’t on the F list. And he made every practice. Though, come to think of it, he hasn’t attended any Acceptance Club meetings so far this year, and he was a regular last year. Even helped out at the walk-a-thon. Have you talked to Winchester about him?” Winchester was the guidance counselor. She was okay, as guidance counselors went, but it was impossible for a counselor to connect with every student in a school of 1200.

“I just sent an email off to her. I called home, but the phone was disconnected.”

“Hmm.” It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, given the amount of migrant workers they had pass through their school. Keeping the cell phone connected could be hard. “I don’t think I met Misael’s parents last year at all. Hey, do me a favor? Send me an email with his name, and I’ll try to track him down on Monday, see what’s up?”

Malik turned back to his computer, typing rapidly to send off the email, then sighing. He removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes, then perching them perfectly back on his nose in a habit that was so freaking endearing, it made Caleb’s heart melt every time. This time, when Malik’s eyes raked over his naked calves and thighs, they weren’t distracted. When Malik met his gaze, it was appreciative. “Well, and how did Cross Country practice go, Mr. Smith-Damn-Son?” He stood, glancing toward his closed and locked classroom door before stealing a quick kiss as he molded one hand over Caleb’s sturdy thigh. Old habits - like keeping their relationship a secret - died hard for Malik, but Caleb dealt with it. Technically, getting caught kissing in Malik’s classroom, after hours, when all the students were gone, by a custodian or someone, wouldn’t get them fired. Maybe a little talking to by the principal. But it wasn’t like Caleb wanted to go further than kissing here, anyway. Public sex was so far from the realm of things he enjoyed. No, his plans included his husband driving him home and ravishing him over the kitchen counter...or in the shower...or just fucking him into the bedspread.

Caleb felt his blush even though he’d planned this. “That’s not my name,” he murmured as he wrapped his arms around Malik’s waist.

“How could I forget?” Malik was looking down at him, and Caleb secretly - okay, not so secretly - adored this reversal in heights. He spent most of his hours being taller than every dang person, including Malik. He bit his lip and pulled Malik a little closer. Malik ran his fingers over the gold band on Caleb’s left hand. “Mr. Ford.”

Caleb sighed in happiness. “Mr. Ford.” He pulled Malik between his legs and brought their lips together.

“The custodian’s going to catch us, baby,” Malik murmured against his lips.

Caleb rubbed his calves against Malik’s clothed legs, a move he knew drove Malik crazy. “So take me home. I have a plan,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Malik laughed. “Lord save me from a Caleb plan.”

Caleb feigned hurt, then winked. “I was thinking of maybe cracking open...then finishing off that bottle of wine that we’ve been saving for a special occasion.”

“What’s the special occasion?” Malik asked with amusement.

“You’re my husband.”

Malik chuckled and nuzzled along Caleb’s cheek. “You’re too fucking adorable. But-”

Caleb stiffened beneath him, groaning. “What did I forget?”

“If you’d just look at the calendar I loaded in your phone-”

“People should _not_ schedule things on Friday night. Friday night is for-”

“Family, Cay-Cay.” Malik stopped his angry muttering with a kiss. “We’ve got family dinner with your dads. With the twins, and then Finn and Poe going to Hawaii, and then your meets, we haven’t been had the whole group together in awhile. I heard tell that _everyone_ was going to be there.”

Caleb tried very hard not to continue to grumble. It’s not that he didn’t love his dads with absolutely everything inside him. He couldn’t have asked for a better set of parents, honestly. It was just- It was just- He lost his train of thought as Malik waited patiently for him to come around to the idea. Malik loved family dinner. The Smith-Damerons had filled a gaping hole in his life, a pressing need that Caleb couldn’t deny him even if he wanted to. And he didn’t want to. So he sighed as he watched his perfect evening slip away, but smiled up at Malik anyway. They had the rest of their lives, after all. “I guess I should go shower, then, and change back into work clothes.”

“Aw.” Malik fingered the smooth fabric of his running shorts, making Caleb laugh. “I mean I hate to see them go, but also, if you wore those to dinner, I don’t think I could stop from disgracing myself in front of your dads.” He angled his mouth over Caleb’s, then pulled him up and turned him toward the door with a swat to his butt. “I’ll text Finn with an ETA. Go do your thing.”

Caleb shook his butt at Malik, just because he could, and with a wink, left for the shower.

\----------------

Their dads ended up having wine anyway, so an hour or so later, Caleb found himself nestled in the corner of his dads’ living room, sipping at a good Riesling and watching his husband interact with his family. He could remember the first time, and many times after the first, when Malik had been even quieter with his family than he’d been with Caleb when they started becoming friends. Now, Malik was sitting in a trio with Meghan and Chris, alternately discussing something animatedly as he practiced his signing. The combination of the scene and the wine made Caleb warm with pleasure.

“You’re looking a little like the cat that caught the canary.” Finn sat down next to him on the loveseat, his own beer in his hand.

Caleb winked, holding out his wine glass to clink with Finn’s beer. “Pretty sure I did, Papi.”

“He’s a good man, that’s for sure.”

Caleb was grateful that everyone had been so easily accepting of Malik - like it was ever a question anyway. But considering Malik’s family - this, this was important. Finn and Poe had attempted one extremely chilly, extremely horrible dinner with Malik’s parents, sometime in the second year of their dating. He winced internally, remembering the awkward silences. At least it hadn’t ended in a screaming match, like the time he and Malik had swung by to announce their engagement. They’d invited Malik’s parents to the wedding, of course, but they hadn’t shown up. Caleb had to sit on his hands sometimes to keep from wanting to slap his in-laws silly at the way they treated his husband. In the meantime, at least he had a surrogate family Malik could wedge himself into.

“How’s school?” Finn asked after a sip of beer, and he fell into an easy conversation with his dad as they watched Alex, Riya, and the twins, Violet and Michael - Amelia and Eli’s new adoptees, a little over a year older than Alex and Riya - run around the living room, playing with Papa and Popo’s toys.

Later, Malik came to sit in his lap as they shared a piece of pie, and Malik poured him another glass of wine with a grin, knowing how much of a lightweight he was. “One of us might as well get a little tipsy, babe,” Malik had murmured in his ear, before turning to continue the conversation with Poe about the dads renewing their foster care credentials.

“We still have so much to give,” Poe explained. “Even just temporarily.”

Caleb nodded. He and Malik had no plans for children - they really enjoyed being uncles, it was true, but the thought of taking someone on full time was less appealing. Plus, he took care of 150 children every day, and he tended to think of each one as his kid. Still, he admired his dads for continuing their commitment to children in need.

As he felt Malik’s weight rest pleasantly on him, and his mind was just a little fuzzy from the wine, he figured it wasn’t so bad, this family night. Still, he couldn’t help dipping his hands a little lower when no one was looking, and latching his lips onto Malik’s neck.

Malik’s laugh bubbled out of him. “Think it’s time to get you home, buddy.”

“Yeah?” The word was mumbled against Malik’s skin.

“Yeah, you’re getting a little loose with the PDA, babe.” Malik’s voice wasn’t admonishing, but nervous sounding.

“Oops, sorry.” Caleb pulled back immediately. Sometimes Malik was still triggered by public displays of affection.

Malik squeezed his hand to thank him. “It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re freaking adorable, is what you are.” Malik took a deep breath. “Thank you for accomodating me.” He leaned in to brush a light kiss across Caleb’s lips. In most regards they were perfectly in sync, but in this area, they were exact opposites. If Caleb had his way, he’d be folded around Malik every chance he got, but a childhood of being told people like him were an abomination wasn’t something Malik could just shake off. He was doing so much better, anyway. _Doesn’t matter_ , Caleb thought. _We make it work._

They said their goodbyes, Caleb realizing when he got to his feet that he was a little tipsier than he’d thought before. Malik gave him a half smile and helped him into the passenger seat. “My cheap little date,” he said with a laugh, handing Caleb the buckle when his fingers seemed to be made of rubber.

“I resent that, probably. Hey, sorry both of us didn’t end up like this, it’s totally not as fun, I’m sure,” Caleb replied when Malik had gotten into the driver’s seat.

Malik leaned over the drive shaft and kissed Caleb thoroughly. “S’okay. I kind of love you like this.”

“Just kind of, huh?”

“I love you madly like this?” Malik offered as he pulled out of the farm’s driveway.

“Madly enough to take me home and fuck me senseless?” Caleb ground against the car seat. Now that they were alone, the need he’d kept at bay all night rose up again.

Malik laughed. “You want to be fucked tonight, huh?”

Caleb whined, reaching down to touch himself through his slacks. “Yes. _Yes.”_ He rubbed the hard column of his cock. “ _Need it, Mal._ God, have needed it since I saw you at your desk.”

“Jesus. Remind me to listen to you when you say you have plans.”

Caleb smiled as he felt the car edge up just a little higher - Malik was notorious for driving just under the speed limit, so obviously he was pushing Mal. He hummed as he stroked himself, a wet spot forming on his dark slacks. The need was thrumming through him. He just wanted to be filled up by Malik, surrounded, consumed.

The good thing about Malik driving was that they made it safely and sedately into the garage. If Caleb didn’t know bone deep that Malik loved him, wanted him, he’d feel nervous or slighted at the way Malik could keep a cool head in these types of situations. But when the garage door had closed behind them, Malik was up and out of the car in a flash, then at Caleb’s side, pulling him out and into a rough kiss that both satisfied and fired everything inside Caleb to a boiling point.

Caleb whined as Malik moved on to press a kiss below his ear. “C’mon, baby. I’ve got you.” Malik pulled Caleb back to their bedroom, bypassing everything to work at Caleb’s belt buckle.

Caleb shuddered and sighed when Malik finally got his hand on Caleb’s cock. “Ah, god, yes you do.” Fuck, but he sometimes he just _loved_ Malik taking charge. So fucking sexy. Made Caleb want to just roll over and present for him.

He hummed some more when Malik turned him around, pressing his chest to the bed, his ass in the air for the taking. He’d managed to kick off his slacks, but his button up still clung to him. He pressed his ass further into the air, whining a little as Malik divested his own slacks and grabbed the lube. “Shhhh, Cay-Cay, you’re so needy baby, but you’re not ready. Gotta get you ready.”

When Malik’s first lubed finger entered, Caleb clutched at the sheets. “Ah, fuck, _Mal._ ” He felt Malik’s hand under his shirt, massaging his spine. In no time, Malik’s cock was sliding into him, feeling like safety and home and happiness, and Caleb keened, burying his face in the sheets and going up onto his tiptoes, everything in him asking for _more._

Every single thrust was pounding his prostate, forcing a moan out of him that had Malik grunting appreciatively. “Yes, yes, yes,” Caleb mumbled into the sheets repeatedly. Unable to resist, he stole a glance over his shoulder at Malik, who was biting down on his lip and watching himself enter Caleb again and again and again, a happy little spacey expression on his face. Caleb moaned again and clenched down around Malik’s cock.

“Oh, fuck, Cay, fuuuuuh-” With a shout, Malik shot inside of him, filling him, warming him, the feeling of his cum and the rubbing against the sheets setting Caleb off. With a cry, he sobbed into the sheets, seeing stars and galaxies and a freaking laser light show in his brain as he came. Then he was being moved to his side, and Malik was wrapping around him, and everything was yummy and fuzzy and wonderful and light, even with his eyes closed. He hummed, happy to keep his eyes closed and let sleep take him after a long week.

“Not yet, babe.” Malik pushed on Caleb’s boneless body until he was positioned properly in bed. He left, which had Caleb moaning and missing his body heat and the contact, then came back with a warm washcloth to clean them, which had Caleb purring into his touch. “You are ridiculous, Mr. Ford.”

“Only ‘cause you treat me so nicely.”

“Fair.”

He felt himself be wrapped in Malik’s arms again. “I’ve got you next time, promise.”

He heard Malik’s chuckle, felt it against his skin. “Okay, baby, okay.”

He ran his hands over the arm Malik had settled at his stomach and sighed happily into sleep.

\---------------------

He hummed, a spring in his step on this fine Saturday, and it actually wasn’t raining for once in the Willamette Valley on a Saturday. Malik had sent him to Home Depot, which meant he was on a mission for his husband, which, after last night, made him ridiculously happy. It was also sickeningly perfectly domestic, being sent to get caulk for the bathroom remodel they were working through, and Caleb loved every second of it.

The Home Depot shared a strip mall with the Dollar Tree, and Caleb was absentmindedly checking apps on his phone as he walked in front of the doors, then collided with someone rushing out.

“God, sorry, that’s what I get for texting and driving,” Caleb joked, reaching for some packs of ramen that had scattered on the ground in the collision.

“Coach?”

Caleb looked over at the person he’d knocked down, ramen still in his hand. “Misael?”

If Caleb had seen him from the back, he wouldn’t have recognized this skinny kid in the promising freshman he’d coached last year. His limbs were still lanky, but he’d lost muscle mass, and his cheeks were gaunt in a way Caleb recognized, in a way that made him sick to his stomach. Misael’s eyes darted from Caleb, to the open door of the dollar store, where a few people were looking at them rather disinterestedly, probably wondering why they were still on the ground. Misael was sort of holding his stomach protectively, and Caleb could see an uncharacteristic bulge there, like he’d smuggled something out of the store. Caleb could make out more ramen packages, stolen under his shirt. Misael’s eyes were desperate and pleading on his, and in a split second, Caleb made a decision. A kid stealing was one thing. A kid stealing food? _Cheap_ food? Every red flag Caleb had waved in unison.

He shoved the ramen back into Misael’s grocery bag and stood, holding out a hand to boost the kid up. His stomach turned further as he noticed bruises along Misael’s ribcage where his shirt had ridden up. In the shape of someone’s hand. _Fuck._ “Hey, I was about to grab something at the teriyaki place on the corner, but I actually had a question for you, from Mr. Ford. Want to come with? My treat.”

Misael eyed him warily, now that it looked like Caleb wasn’t going to be turning him in. “I need to get going,” he mumbled.

Caleb held up a hand, pausing Misael but making sure not to touch him. “Misael, I can tell you’re in trouble. I can help you. I know resources that can help-”

“No one can help me but me,” Misael replied, stubbornness setting into his bones. Then, he looked up at Caleb long enough to seem sincerely contrite. “But, uh, thank you. For not turning me in,” he mumbled. He cast back one last glance at the store before running away. Caleb tracked him until he turned into an alley and turned again before Caleb could follow.

“Shit. Shit shit shit shit.” Caleb kicked at the cement in frustration then walked hurriedly through Home Depot to complete his errand. On the way out, he stopped in the dollar store and left them a few bucks, making up some story about having miscounted an item earlier and shortchanging them. The manager was suspicious, but accepted the money anyway.

Back home, he told the story to Malik as he paced the living room. Malik, being Malik, took notes, then pushed them toward him when Caleb had finished. “You have enough to call even if you leave out the shoplifting so Misael doesn’t get in trouble. You know what you need to do.”

Caleb’s stomach refused to let go of its knots. “Yeah. Fuck.” He scrolled through the staff part of the school website until he found what he needed, and punched the number in for CPS as Malik held his hand.

\------------------------

Filing the CPS report, and then having a long discussion with his principal and counselor about helping to support Misael, whatever the outcome, left Caleb feeling strangely drained and helpless. Malik found him on the couch, staring into space, TV not even on, sometime in the afternoon. He wasn’t exactly sure how long he’d been there, to be honest. Malik sat down by him, then pulled Caleb over, so his head was resting in Malik’s lap. He closed his eyes as Malik brushed at some of the stray curls that had escaped his cornrows.

“You did the right thing.”

“I know.”

“You did the legal thing, too.”

“I _know._ Why am I feeling like this, then?”

“Because you’re human. You _care_ , baby, or you wouldn’t be in this job.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to file-” Caleb cut himself off, feeling useless.

“I know,” Malik murmured. “It’s that you didn’t want it to happen in the first place.”

Caleb felt a tear slide out at Malik’s perfect understanding of him. “I should- I should know, I should expect, given...given my family. It’s not like I grew up sheltered from it.”

Malik rubbed down, across his chest, stopping to feel his heartbeat. Where he paused, Caleb felt the warmth of his palm through his shirt, and it helped comfort. “You were, kind of, though. The Smith-Damerons...the farm...they’re the calm in the storm, you know? And you knew what the storm was, but you got to live for a long time in the calm.”

“That’s...a good point.” He nestled further into Malik’s thighs, craving the contact, and since they were home, alone, Malik was in the right frame of mind to give it to him.

“He’s going to be okay, Caleb. Because you helped. You didn’t just sit by and do nothing.”

Caleb sighed. “I just wish I knew what was going on.”

“I know, Cay, I know.” He kept up the contact, smoothing over Caleb’s hair, his cheek, his neck and shoulders. “How about I make us some chicken soup, that recipe you liked, and we have a quiet night in?”

Caleb managed a tiny smile. “I’m pretty sure we were already planning a quiet night in, it’s kind of our style.”

“That’s what you think. Every night when you go to bed, I sneak out and hit all the clubs.”

“Oh really?”

“Poppin’ tops? Is that a thing the kids still say?”

Caleb snorted. “If you have to ask…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He leaned down, and Caleb met him halfway for a soft kiss that helped him soothe further.

He lost himself in the remodeling work they were doing on the half-bath while Malik puttered in the kitchen, putting together dinner. The work was meditative, and Caleb didn’t really realize how far he’d gone into a trance until their doorbell went off multiple times, followed by furious knocking. The half-bath was in the hallway leading to the front door, so he got there before Malik, not checking the glass before pulling the door open. He was shocked to find a soaked - it must have started raining sometime - Misael, a _battered_ Misael, his lip bloody, his eye shot with blood, surrounded by black bruising.

“Oh my God, Mi-”

“This is all your fault!” Misael balled up a fist - god, his fist looked so small, Caleb thought fleetingly - and landed a hit right on Caleb’s gut.

“Jesus,” Caleb wheezed, as Misael’s eyes went wide.

“Oh- oh shit. Shit. Shit shit,” Misael wailed.

“What the hell is going on here?” Malik arrived, still toweling off his hands. “Misael? What-”

“Oh shit. I’m sorry, Coach. I’m sorry, I’m sorr-”

“Misael.” It was Malik’s teacher voice, and it cut through the chaos. “Sit down, will you, please? Right there?” Misael obediently shuffled to the swinging bench that Caleb had installed for them. Malik cupped Caleb’s face, examining his eyes. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I-” Caleb cut off when Malik briskly nodded, then turned away from him and back to Misael.

“Misael, look at me.” Malik waited patiently for Misael to meet his eyes. “Do you have any other injuries besides the face?”

Caleb watched Misael’s eyes slide away, then flinch when Malik raised his hand to turn his head to examine it. Malik dropped his hand without touching Misael. “It’s okay. I won’t touch you. It’s okay,” he soothed.

Misael looked over at Caleb. “I’m sorry, coach. I- I lost my head. But now I’m fucked, and it’s all your fault. So-so you have to help, you said you would help.” He burst into tears, covering his face and sobbing in great heaves. Caleb pulled the recycling bin over, flipped it and sat down in front of Misael.

“I can help, Misael. I promise. But you have to tell us what happened.”

“The cops came looking for me,” Misael said accusingly. “Luckily my neighbor warned me. Fed them a story. But my landlord doesn’t want trouble. He threatened to kick me out. This,” he gestured to his face, “was a warning.”

Caleb clenched his fist. “Okay. Where are your parents?”

Misael looked away. “Gone. Not coming back.”

“Since when?” Malik prompted gently.

“May,” Misael mumbled.

“You’ve been living on your own since May?” Misael shrugged. “How did you...did you get a job?”

“Yeah. Been working at the corner market as many hours as I can get, which isn’t much.”

“Enough for rent, though?”

Misael’s eyes slid away again. “I’d, uh...rather not talk about that. You said you’d help. I can’t go back there. He- it’s okay what the landlord does to me, but he- he threatened Angelina. I need your help. I just need someplace to stay until I make a new deal with someone, find a room for us.”

“Angelina is…”

“My little sister.”

Caleb’s eyes sharpened. “Where is she now?”

“I told her to wait for me while I talked to you. She’s, uh...under your porch.”

Caleb immediately stood and walked out into the rain to look under the porch. Sure enough, a little girl sat shivering there, her arms bundled around her knees, completely soaked. His inexpert eye pegged her at 9 or 10. “Hey, Angelina.”

“It’s alright,” Misael’s voice filtered through the porch slats. “You can come out now.”

The tiny, scared bundle unfolded herself, and she didn’t get much bigger. Shaking, she held out her hand for Caleb, and Caleb took it, guiding her up the stairs. The family resemblance was obvious, and it didn’t take an expert to see something else: that Misael had been starving himself at the expense of his sister. Her cheeks weren’t gaunt; her limbs were tiny, but they fit the rest of her.

“What if,” Malik started, voice gentle now, “we go inside? I made some chicken soup for Cal- Mr. Ford and me for dinner. Would you guys like some of that? And we can get you guys warm and cleaned up, okay?”

Angelina nodded eagerly, transferring her hand to Malik’s and following him inside. Misael held Caleb back. “Coach, you can’t call the cops on us. They’ll split us up. I’ll never see Angelina again. I know how this works. Kids our age don’t get adopted. We’ll end up in the system, and I’ll never see her again.” His hand was clutching into Caleb’s arm desperately. “We just need a place to chill for the night, and then I can work out another deal and-”

“Misael, what do you mean by ‘deal?’ You said that before.”

Misael shuffled his feet. “My, uh, landlord cut me a deal. If I let him-let him- …” He avoided Caleb’s eyes studiously, as Caleb’s stomach twisted itself into more knots. “Then he gives me a cut on rent. Sometimes the whole thing, if I let his friends-”

Caleb had to take a deep breath when Misael cut himself off. _Jesus fuck._ “Since May?”

Misael gave a half shrug, and Caleb’s heart broke into a million pieces. “It’s not so- so bad anymore,” Misael said, determined. “It’s gross, and sticky.” He shifted uncomfortably. “I let him...before we left...to calm him down. And distract him. He didn’t use a condom, I hate when he doesn’t use a condom.” The words stopped as suddenly as they’d spilled out. “I don’t want Angelina to know, okay?”

Caleb wanted to smash his fist into the nearest wall, or preferably, the landlord’s face, but held himself back. “Sit down for me again, will you, Misael?” Misael sat on the bench, looking smaller than his 15 years. Caleb sat on the recycling bin again and faced him. “Angelina doesn’t have to know. But...I have to call the police- no, wait, listen,” he begged, when Misael stiffened and started to rise. “If I don’t, Mr. Ford and I, we could lose our jobs.” Misael’s eyes widened. “But that’s not- you-” Caleb closed his eyes for a second and tried to figure out what to say. “I know people. I know several nice police officers that I trust. I know lawyers. I know a really, really nice doctor that I’d like to have look you over. _I can help._ I promise. And I know a set of foster parents that happen to have free beds. And would happily take _both_ of you. It’s not- It’s amazing, how you’ve kept your sister fed and clothed. But the price you’ve paid- that’s not...I’m not letting you leave here to get yourself into a similar situation.”

Misael looked wary.

“Please, Misael. I promise you, you will get to stay with Angelina. You’ve done such a good job taking care of her.”

Misael swallowed, then nodded, trust filling his eyes instead.

Caleb nodded with him. “Now, it’s all in the order of the calls…” He took out his phone, tapped in a number, and waited. “Dad?”

\------------------------

Eli arrived first; he and Amelia lived not ten minutes away, after all, and he’d rushed over, then immediately appeared apologetic, pulling Caleb aside. “We need the social worker’s okay, since they don’t have a guardian. And some of this would be better at the hospital. I can get him cleaned up safely, but the rape kit and the STD test, that should be done in a clean environment. And I can’t even clean him up without a social worker’s go ahead. I’m sorry.” He balled a hand into a fist. “Goddammit, I hate feeling so helpless.”

“I know the feeling,” Caleb muttered. “Can he at least have some chicken soup? I was worried about malnutrition…”

Eli glanced back at Misael, who was cuddled in one of Caleb’s winter coats and rocking himself slowly on the porch, trying to avoid them. He’d wanted to stay out here, deal with everything out here, so Angelina wouldn’t get scared. “Until I can examine him further...just the broth?” Eli looked apologetic again, and Caleb nodded, understanding. “Hey, why don’t I go inside and see how Malik is doing, and get some broth, while you guys wait for the others?”

“That’s a good idea.”

Eli was coaching Misael to take slow sips of broth when the social worker showed up at the same time as Finn and Poe. Caleb pulled them all into the living room, and Finn made introductions. “Caleb, we know Valeria through the foster system. Valeria, this is our son, Caleb Ford.”

Caleb quickly relayed the story as he knew it. “If- if they’re separated, he’s a flight risk. I know it. Anyone who would...put themselves through what he did for his sister… he’d run away in a heartbeat if you separate them.” Caleb was a second away from dropping to his knees and begging.

Valeria had listened quietly, brows furrowed, throughout. “Well, you certainly tipped the cards in your favor, calling your dads in. But we’re not heartless, Mr. Ford. I would have found a place for them to stay together.”

“I-” Caleb blushed. “Sorry.”

“Long term might be a different story. Misael will age out of the system soon-”

“Let’s-” interrupted Caleb, thinking of what Malik had said earlier about the calm in the storm. “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Valeria reached across to take Caleb’s hand. “I think it’s time to bring the police in.”

Things started going faster after that. Caleb stayed in the room as Eli cleaned Misael up, making sure to bag any contaminated supplies. The police gathered statements from everyone, and Finn and Poe signed the paperwork to become their foster home.

They all drove to the hospital, where both Caleb and Malik held a shaking Misael’s hand as they performed the abuse exam, taking pictures of the bruises on Misael’s hips, and a sample of DNA, and blood to be tested for STDs. When the exam was finished, Misael curled into himself, quietly crying, but he continued to hold onto their hands.

By unspoken agreement, they followed Finn and Poe to the farm to say goodnight. Though Caleb hadn’t spent a lot of time with her, Malik received a huge hug from Angelina. Malik’s face was a mixture of alarm and pleasure. Misael’s vulnerability seemed to have been shed now that his clothes had been returned to him, and he gave Caleb a stiff nod. Unsure of what to say, do...hell, even how to feel, Caleb returned the nod, hugged his dads, and started walking back toward the front door.

“Wait, coach!”

Caleb turned, only to be tackled around the middle by Misael. Abruptly, he let go again, then nodded at Caleb once more. “See you Monday, right coach?”

“Yeah, buddy. You will. And every day after that, and then Friday for family dinner.”

Misael’s eyes went wide, then he schooled his expression back down into contained excitement. “Cool.”

Behind them, Malik was giving Angelina one last hug, and he was making her a similar promise about Friday. Her lip was quivering even as she moved away, stepping closer to Finn.

Malik took his hand, and they gave a final wave as they walked out.

In the car, Malik continued to hold his hand. “How are you doing? I haven’t had a chance to check in.” He brought Caleb’s hand to his lips.

“I don’t want kids, Malik.” Caleb tried to emphasize the statement with his eyes.

Malik nodded. “I know. I mean, leaving Angelina behind was-”

“Kind of like leaving a limb behind.”

“Yeah.” Malik’s brow furrowed. “Yeah, but-”

“But we don’t want kids.”

“Do we not want kids, or do we not want _kids_?” Malik asked.

“You were right, earlier.”

“Yeah? ‘Bout what this time?”

Caleb went for a small smile, and Malik looked gratified. “‘Bout my parents being the calm in the storm. ‘Cept you’re that for me too. That’s what we have. We have calm, when we come home. The storm stays out there, but what we’ve built for ourselves- we’ve built the calm.”

“I’m following the metaphor, even if I think we’re straining the bounds of it.”

“So what if we shared the calm with others?”

“So...it’s not _wanting_ kids...it’s just being generous.”

“Yeah.”

“To two kids, specifically.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

Malik chuckled a bit. “Yeah. That sounds convoluted enough. It’ll work.”

“So we’re going to do this?”

“I mean, we can at least start the process, right? Until then, they’re just at the farm. We have more time to...test it out, so to speak. See if it works for them, see if it works for us. We’d be losing quiet evenings at home,” Malik pointed out.

“Yeah. We’d be gaining a lot, though, I think.”

“Yeah.” He squeezed their hands together. “We got this, Mr. Ford.”

“We do, Mr. Ford.”


	93. New Additions - rated M

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Orginially appeared in Out of Time as chapter 29  
> Some vignettes around Misael and Angelina's first week at the Farm, from varying POVs.
> 
> Content warning: further discussion of underage sexual abuse/assault, though not in detail, but mentioned. Discussion of STIs.

“Dr. Cohen? Didn't I see you leave five hours ago?”

The word “family emergency” left his lips before he could stop it, even as he handed Talia the paperwork for the rape and STD tests for Misael.

Her eyes went wide as she read what he'd handed her. “Oh, shit, I'm sorry, Eli.”

Eli nodded in appreciation. “We’re dealing with it,” he murmured. “Can you put a rush on them? Use my name?” Sometimes...sometimes the nepotism and bureaucracy that Eli wanted to bang his head against could be useful. He’d built a good reputation here.

“Sure, Dr. Cohen.”

He nodded again, then went by his locker to toss his coat in, and walked numbly out of the hospital. It wasn’t the first time he’d performed an abuse exam on a minor, and it wouldn’t be the last, but this one wore on him.

They didn’t live far from the hospital, which was nice, but he could have used more time to process with a longer commute home, he supposed, as he sat in the driveway, car off, watching the raindrops hit the sedan’s windshield and merge, until the whole glass was wet.

He sat there for awhile, for too long, he realized, when he saw the curtains flutter. Gearing himself up to rehash what he could, he walked inside.

Amelia immediately enveloped him in her arms, because of course she would, and Eli admonished himself for avoiding this. This was better. This was better than sitting in the car. He wrapped his arms around her, too, and they rocked together in the foyer. He placed a kiss next to her messy black bun.

“Caleb and the dads have been texting me details when they could,” she murmured, looking up at him, eyes sincere.

“It-it’s bad. A bad situation. Awful. Fucking awful.”

Her eyes widened a little at the swear - he didn’t often swear aloud, it was true - but she just squeezed him tighter. “Then we’ll do whatever we can to support them,” she said determinedly.

“Yeah,” Eli replied on a kind of choking laugh. “Yeah, of course we will, honey.” Reluctantly, he left her arms, sat on the stairs to the second floor, rubbed his face. Wasn’t surprised when Amelia scooted right up next to him, draping an arm around his waist.

She leaned over, nuzzling their noses together. “You okay?”

He took her hand, massaged over the fingers. From his position, he could see the family photo they’d just taken, already assigned a place of importance on their wall, their first with the twins. All five of them, holding hands, walking through a field of green grass and orange and red fallen leaves. He was looking down at Amelia, at the kids, his smile wide and happy. Little Alex was in between the twins, and Amelia at the end, so they acted like bookends, rounding out their small family, Eli had thought the first time he’d seen the picture. Now he realized that he and Amelia looked more like sentinels, like protectors against the cruel world.

“I looked at that boy tonight, and I don’t know his circumstances, really. I don’t know if his parents are dead, or just left, or what. But I can’t help but look at this kid and see Alex lying there. Or Violet, or Michael. Just. Shit.”

Amelia slipped her arms around him again. “I can’t say it’s not going to happen to our babies. I’m not putting  _ that  _ out there in the universe. But we’ll do everything we can to make sure it doesn’t, to make sure that we protect  _ all  _ the kids in our life. And if we fail… then we’ll do whatever we can to support them.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Eli started to rub his cheek against Amelia’s, then realized it was scratchy with stubble. “Sorry,” he murmured, and she scoffed, bringing his head back for a brief kiss. “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you back.” She watched him play with her wedding ring, the one that had been passed through the generations of Cohens, down to her, that made her a little weepy when she thought about it too much, which always touched Eli. “Let’s go to bed.”

Eli nodded, standing, hand still in hers as they walked up the stairs. “Hey, um, do you think we could loan Caleb and Malik all the foster parenting materials we got, since we’re probably done?” he whispered as they walked by the kids’ rooms.

“Way ahead of you,” Amelia whispered back with a smile, pointing to the stack on the dresser. “I’ll give them a few days, then maybe text with a ‘hey, just so you know, we have all the stuff you need to become parents’ - no, that sounds too scary, huh? Hmm. I’ll think about it. Better yet, I’ll enlist Meghan. We’ll figure it out.”

Eli smiled as he slipped under the covers, then pulled Amelia to him. “You Smith-Damerons always do.”

\---------------------------

Finn closed their bedroom door quietly, and made his way downstairs to Poe, who was cleaning the kitchen; they’d had to leave dinner rather abruptly after Caleb’s call. He leaned against the counter with one hip, watching Poe groan as he bent over to get dishes out of the dishwasher. “Leave it ‘til tomorrow, honey. We should be in bed.”

Poe picked up one last bowl and put it away, then nodded. “Yeah. Are they asleep?”

Finn opened his arms, and Poe stepped into them, and they rocked there. “Yeah. Angelina, um, climbed in with Misael, I guess. They fell asleep holding hands. Shit.” Finn lifted a hand from Poe’s waist and wiped at his eye.

Poe gently replaced Finn’s hand with his own, then brushed Finn’s tears from his cheek. “Yeah. Shit. Are you having second thoughts about this?”

Finn considered, then shook his head. “No. No, I want to help them, of course. You?”

“No. Did you see Angelina’s face when Malik told he’d be back for family dinner on Friday?” Poe gave a small, tired smile. “It feels kind of like we’re just doing an extended babysitting gig for our children.”

Finn smiled back. “Which means we get to spoil them like grandparents do, right?”

Poe laughed for the first time in hours. “You won’t see me protesting. So shopping tomorrow? Or later today, I guess,” he said with a wince, looking at the microwave clock. He sobered. “Monday, we need to set up therapy for both of them, and get in touch with Eli about next steps with Misael and when we can expect test results.”

“We can give them a tour of the farm, too. Sunday’s a good day for that, with less people around.”

“Yeah, good idea.”

“That’s why they pay me the big bucks.”

“Honey, you’re an immigration lawyer who works on a sliding scale. Who pays you the big bucks?”

Finn reached around, a twinkle in his eye, and grabbed two handfuls of Poe Dameron’s still-superior, even if a little wrinkly, ass. “You do, honey. If you expand the definition of ‘bucks’ a little. You’re certainly big.”

Poe chuckled, then laughed outright. “Thank you, I needed that.”

Finn winked as they walked toward the stairs together to head to bed. “Anytime.”

\---------------------

Caleb forced himself to close the tab on HIV statistics among gay Latino youth, feeling a little sick to his stomach. A lot sick to his stomach. Not the best place to be right before practice. They didn’t even know yet, so he needed to stop looking up worst case scenarios, he told himself. His dads were expecting the call with results any day now. They’d figure out what would happen after that.

There was a soft knock on his classroom door, and he looked up to see Misael standing there, looking small. “Hey, buddy. What’s up?”

“Hey Coach. Um. I was wondering if I could come work out with the Cross Country team?” Misael looked down at his shoes, fingers digging into the strap of his backpack.

Caleb chewed on his lip. Technically, he needed to say no to Misael. He hadn’t paid the fall sports fee, obviously, or had an updated physical.

“I miss running.”

Caleb took another look at Misael’s face, noticing the creases of worry and stress. “Man, I get that. Nothing quite like running until your problems don’t seem as big anymore, huh?”

Misael’s face broke into a little smile. “Yeah.” He moved the backpack off his shoulder and unzipped it, showing Caleb the contents. Sitting at the top were a brand new pair of running shoes. “Finn and Poe took us shopping. They kept insisting-”

“Yeah, I bet they did, knowing my dads. Well, I guess you have to break ‘em in sometime, huh?” Caleb leaned over to grab his own duffel bag, then walked out with Misael. “Does Finn know you’re staying late? I can drop you back off at the farm.”

“Yeah, I told him I was coming to ask you, and that you’d text him either way. I don’t have a phone,” Misael muttered, embarrassed.

_ Yeah, I bet that situation won’t last long.  _ He pulled out his own and shot the text off to his dad. “Remind me when I drop you off, and I’ll show you the route I always used on the farm. It’s mostly trail, the roads are dangerous out there, all narrow, no sidewalks, lots of farm trucks. But I had a pretty good system worked out.”

Misael smiled at him gratefully. “Thanks, yeah. I’d love that.”

\-------------------

Misael’s heart was pounding, and not in the good way it had pounded after he’d finish practice with the team.

Because he recognized the car in the driveway at Finn and Poe’s place, from last Saturday. That was the doctor’s car.  _ Dr. Eli _ , Misael remembered. Coach’s brother-in-law. He’d been nice. Gentle. But if it was good news, why was he here in person?

His gaze slid across to Coach, who was frowning, probably going through the same thought process he was.

“Misael, if you don’t want me to come in-”

But Misael was already shaking his head. “No. Please. Please, will you come in with me?” He hated how quiet his voice was, and he straightened his shoulders instead. He’d done what he needed to do to help Angelina survive. He’d pay whatever price for that, he would. He’d do it all over again, although he was privately really happy he didn’t have to. But he’d kept Angelina safe, and if there was a consequence, well. He opened the car door, shouldering his backpack. Well, he’d pay it gladly.

Angelina must have heard the door, because she was already running to hug Misael, and then Coach, before Coach had even finished closing it. Misael hugged her tight, then held her hand as they walked back to the living room, where Finn, Poe, and Dr. Eli were talking. Spotting them, Poe pressed a kiss to Finn’s lips, patting his knee as he stood.

“Hey, Angelina, I was just going to help Meghan and Riya feed the chickens. Want to come?” Poe asked, holding out his hand.

Angelina’s eyes lit up, and she involuntarily squeezed Misael’s hand, then hesitated, looking up at him.

“<It’s okay, Angel, you can go. I’ll be here,>” Misael murmured in Spanish, promise clear in his voice, and she nodded back at him.

“Don’t forget a coat, and boots,” Finn called, as Poe and Angelina headed out the door. He patted the seat next to him, and Misael sat, then curled up into the corner of the couch, arms around his legs. Coach came and sat by Dr. Eli, across from them.

“Well, I think I should just come out and say it. It’s not bad news, Misael. You have Chlamydia, and it’s very treatable.”

Beside him, Finn let out a little breath, then looked over at Misael, smiled at him, patted the cushion beside him in acknowledgement. Finn was really good about not touching Misael if he didn’t want to be touched.

“What’s the treatment plan?” Coach asked, his face drawn, and Misael couldn’t decide what emotion was hidden there exactly, but it seemed like anger, which made Misael want to curl into himself further.

Dr. Eli handed a prescription paper over to Finn. “Seven days of heavy antibiotics. Nothing too bad. Just, Misael, make sure you watch out for an allergic reaction, since you’re not sure if you’re allergic to any medications.”

Misael nodded.

“It’s standard to run another test in three months, just to make sure it’s completely eradicated from your system, so I can see you for that, or, if you want to take him to your GP, Finn, that’s fine, too. I can transfer all his files easily. Oh, and you should refrain from any, uh. Sexual activity. While you’re on the antibiotics.”

Misael colored, but nodded his understanding. “Will, uh,  _ he  _ be getting treatment?” At Misael’s quiet question, Caleb clenched and unclenched his hand, and that action made Coach's mood clearer for Misael. Not mad at him, then. Mad at the others.

“Yes, I’ll be informing the police officer in charge of the investigation. It will strengthen their case against him, and the other men on your list.” Dr. Eli’s voice was quiet, almost tender. Fatherly, Misael decided. “If there’s anyone else, any other partners you’ve had, you should-”

Misael shook his head violently. “No. No. Just them. Just for the deal. I haven’t even had a boyfriend.”

“Okay. That’s fine.”

They sat in silence for a minute, before Misael caught Finn’s eye, and Finn nodded, letting Misael escape the room of adults, where he thought the concern and caring and pity in everyone’s eyes might choke him. He heard Finn ask Dr. Eli about the twins - he’d heard a lot about the grandkids so far, but had only met Riya - as he jogged up the stairs with his backpack.

He was two problems into his math homework, which he’d pulled out to distract himself, when Coach knocked on his door jamb. “Just wanted to let you know I’m headed out. But I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course.” Misael hesitated, and Coach turned to go. “You don’t- you don’t think I’m dirty, do you?”

Coach paused, turning back, slowly shaking his head. “No. Lots of people get STIs. They’re not ‘dirty’ because of it.”

Misael tapped his pencil on his desk. “I don’t feel...dirty. About what I did. Is that...shouldn’t I? It was illegal.”

Coach leaned against the door jamb and sighed. “I think it’s a good thing that you don’t feel dirty. I wish I had a brilliant answer for the other bit. Have you talked to your therapist about it?”

“My first appointment is tomorrow.”

“Oh. Well-”

“No, it’s okay. I can ask her."

Coach nodded, pursing his lips. “If anyone does make you feel dirty about this- you tell me or Mr. Ford, okay? When the trial starts, some of the kids at school are bound to find out.”

“Yeah.” The thought had Misael’s stomach twisting into knots as Coach crossed his arms and walked to the window.

“This was my room, you know.”

“Really?”

Coach turned back and smiled. “Yeah, my sister Amelia and I - you haven’t met her yet, but Eli’s wife? - we used to share it, just like you and Angelina are. Up until that became too awkward as teenagers.” Coach laughed, and Misael joined him, warmth blooming in his chest.

“Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Angelina and I have always shared a room, but-”

“Yeah,” Coach said with a snort, then sobered a little. “Hey, if Mr. Ford and I went through the process, to become foster parents, would you want to come live with us? With Angelina, of course.”

Misael chewed his lip, longing filling him. “Aren’t you guys, like, newlyweds? Why would you want to take on two old kids?”

Coach rubbed his chin in contemplation. “Well, for starters, no diapers to take care of,” he replied, ticking a finger up, and Misael laughed. “Two, we could keep you and Angelina together. Three, we could help get you going on whatever path you want to take after high school. Four, no diapers. I just keep coming back to that, after being an uncle these last 4 years.”

“You’d do that? Keep us together?”

“Yeah. I mean. It takes awhile, to become a foster parent, and then to actually get through adoption, another while. Mr. Ford and I would have to start right away if we wanted to adopt you before you turned eighteen.”

“It seems like a lot of work,” Misael mumbled.

“It’s worth it,” Coach replied softly.

Misael swallowed, then nodded. “Angelina won’t stop talking about Mal- Mr. Ford.”

Coach smiled. “I’m sure he’d be fine with you calling him Malik outside of school. Just like you can call me Caleb, if you want.”

Misael wrinkled his nose. “That’s too weird, Coach.”

“Okay,” Coach said with a laugh. “Fair enough. Call us what you like.” He peered over Misael’s shoulder, to his homework. “Side benefit of this plan, you’ll have built in math and history help.”

Misael smiled, then shook his head. “I’m going to need it, to dig myself out of this hole.”

“You can do it. I believe in you.”

“That’s what you told me last year right before State.”

Coach shrugged, smiling ruefully. “Doesn’t make it any less true now.”

They shared a grin.

\-----------------------------

Malik sat down in the driver’s seat with a sigh, then reached out a hand blindly, knowing Caleb would catch it. He did, of course, and brushed a kiss across Malik’s knuckles, to boot.

“You doing okay, baby?”

Malik pulled Caleb’s knuckles over for a kiss, before starting the car. “Yeah. I never thought I’d fall in love with a nine year old girl, though.”

Caleb chuckled, settling into the passenger seat. They’d just spent their first Family Friday with Misael and Angelina there. Angelina had been really shy at first, sticking to Malik’s side, until Malik had introduced her to Amelia, who, activities director she was, immediately came up with a game that was age appropriate for both Angelina and Violet and Michael, the oldest kids, with Riya and Alex tagging along, trying to fit in as well. It had been fun to watch.

“She is freaking adorable, this is true. And good lord, she’s got legs. Hope I can convince her to be a runner, she might even be better than Misael.  _ Don’t  _ tell Misael I said that, though.”

“Oh, I see how it is, you just want to use fostering to build the best track team.”

“Like you weren’t quizzing her on her multiplication table tonight over dinner, babe. I saw you. Already have a Mathlete blazer picked out for her, don’t you?”

Malik laughed. “Guilty.”


	94. Mix it up: Misael and Eli and Malik - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Referenced Misael's past abuse, but not discussed.
> 
> Year 32: (Amelia/34, Eli/36, Caleb and Malik/28, Meghan/43, Chris/50, Finn/56, Poe/65, Riya/5, Alex/4, Michael and Violet/9, Misael/15, Angelina, 9)

**Eli:** We still on for tonight? The guys understand if you want to skip a week hosting.

Malik tapped his fingers against the side of his phone, glancing up from his desk, making sure no one was cheating on their test.

 **Malik:** Yeah, it’s fine. Normal routines are good for them.

 **Eli:** Oh, is that what we do? Normal? :D

Malik stifled a smile and tucked his phone away.

\--------

Misael collapsed on his bed and toed his running shoes off. He’d get up and shower in a second, he told himself, but for the moment he just stared up at the white ceiling that didn’t have any water stains or mold growing or cracks. Everything in the room that Misael hadn’t brought with him was brand spanking new, and it gave his bedroom this clinical sort of smell.

But if living with Malik and Coach was anything like it had been living with Poe and Finn, and Misael didn’t have any reason to doubt that it wouldn’t be, he’d be making a home here soon enough. He was... _excited_ to be here, truly. Excited to be living with Coach, excited that Angelina felt safe here, that first Poe and Finn, and now Malik and Coach were able to afford things like drawing supplies for her. Excited that Coach’s sister Meghan - who Angelina tentatively called Aunt Meghan because the Cohen twins did so - was giving Angelina personal art lessons. Excited that even though he was only a sophomore, Malik and Coach were already talking about his college prospects like it was a thing he _could_ do, not an impossibility. Life here was… exciting. Hopeful.

There was a soft knock on his door, Malik calling his name. “Come in,” Misael said, sitting up and scrubbing sweat away from his face.

“Have a good run?” Malik leaned against the door jamb, smiling, then frowning, then pulling off his glasses and huffing a breath on them to clean them with his shirt.

Misael watched the whole display with some amusement. Living with Coach was one thing, but living with _Mr. Ford,_ the nerdy, introverted math teacher who dropped pop culture references into his lessons just to freak out his students was kind of a weird experience for Misael.

He also knew, now, that it was Malik who’d first noticed how badly Misael had been doing. Who got Coach to help. Which meant it was because of Malik that he was sitting here, in a warm house, healthy, full, getting therapy, and looking to a future that extended beyond surviving the moment.

“Yeah, it was good. I found a good park, down on Washburn?”

“Oh, yeah, I like that place, too. Caleb and I sometimes head down there in the summer to toss the frisbee around, maybe play some soccer with the Cohens.” Malik rubbed his neck. “Um, speaking of… So, every Thursday night, I have a group of friends come over. And, um, Eli is one of those friends. I just wanted to give you a heads up, in case that brought up, um, bad feelings for you. We’ll be in the kitchen, if you want to avoid us.”

Misael’s cheeks heated and he looked away. It wasn’t that Dr. Cohen was a trigger or anything, but he did kind of remind Misael of being scared, and cold in his hospital gown, as medical personnel took samples and pictures and made him feel completely exposed.

“And we can move it, too, if you need us to. You live here now, and your comfort is paramount to me,” Malik said quietly.

Misael rubbed sweaty hands over his shorts and shook his head. “It’s okay. If I- I appreciate the heads up.” He stood, grabbing his towel from the hook on the wall. “Are the other friends hospital friends too?” He assumed it was a poker night or some other type of gambling, thinking of his former landlord and the rowdy nights he and his friends had.

Malik angled away to let him through the door. “No. Let’s see, um, Piedad works in insurance, um, Brett, you might have met at the farm? He’s part of the veteran program. And Micah works at the middle school.”

Brett was nice, Misael remembered. So, okay. Not a bunch of people that possibly knew Misael’s abuse backstory. And at least three of the people he knew weren’t rowdy jerks. Good. “It’ll be okay, Malik.”

Malik searched his eyes - he still wasn’t really used to people caring so much about his feelings like this - and nodded with a small smile. “Yeah, it will.”

 

After dinner, Coach helped Angelina with her reading homework in the living room while Misael worked on his math with Malik. He still had a lot of catching up to do, and he’d failed first semester, which meant he’d be in credit recovery over the summer for it, but it helped when your foster dad was also your math teacher.

At the ding of the doorbell, Malik jumped up, excitement on his face. “You can always come in if you need something from me or the kitchen, okay? Kitchen’s not off limits on Thursdays or anything.”

Coach was looking at Malik with that open love and adoration that Misael had noticed quite frequently. He pulled Malik down for a quick kiss, murmuring, “Have fun, nerd,” lovingly to him.

Misael looked back down at his math, but curiosity got the better of him as the string of Malik’s friends came by the living room to get to the kitchen. There was Brett, taking off his cowboy hat and nodding at Misael and Angelina. Micah came next, or so Misael guessed, chattering excitedly with Eli about...something Misael didn’t understand. Malik came through last, linking arms with a short woman who was wearing-- wearing a _cloak._ And a... _wizard’s hat?_

“What kind of poker game is this?” Misael said aloud, then coughed into his hand, embarrassed.

Coach looked up from Angelina’s book and then over his shoulder as Piedad and Malik disappeared from view, then laughed. And laughed. And laughed a little more. “Sorry, bud. Just.” He stifled a giggle and wiped a tear away. “I mean, I don’t know why I’m so amused, Malik plays poker, he’s a darned card shark, to be honest. But no, Thursday night isn’t poker night. It’s game night.”

“Game night?”

“RPGs. Um. Have you heard of Dungeons and Dragons?” Misael shrugged. “Well, that’s what they’re doing. It can be kind of fun to listen in on, sometimes, if you want to, once you’re done with your homework.”

“Can I listen in?” Angelina asked innocently.

“No, miss, because it’s your bedtime in about 10 minutes.”

It warmed Misael’s heart that Angelina felt safe enough to both negotiate bedtime and pout about not getting her way.

It just so happened that when he finished his math homework, his water bottle needed refilling, so he walked casually into the kitchen to do so.

“Is there a tavern in the town?” Eli directed this question at Micah.

“Yes, the Squat Duck.”

Then, in a voice entirely not his own, all high pitched and squeaky, Eli turned to Malik and said, “We should go to the tavern and see if anyone there has seen Gaspar.”

“I think we should check the stockades,” Malik replied in a deep voice with just a hint of, what was that, a Scottish accent?

\--------

Malik wasn’t actually aware when Misael came into the kitchen, not until Brett patted the extra chair beside him and Misael shyly took the seat. He folded his knees up and hugged them, listening to them play attentively.

After a few minutes, at a break in the conversation, Misael finally spoke up. “So you’re playing characters?”

“Aye,” Malik said in his Darach voice, smiling. “I’m Darach, son of Padrarch, dwarf of the Ironstone Mountains. Greetings, traveler.”

“I’m Briony,” squeaked Eli, and Misael laughed as Eli’s eyes twinkled. 

“Darien the fighter, “ Brett said, holding out his hand. His voice sounded normal, although with a little more twang.

“Hildred the Magnificent.” Piedad tipped her hat.

“One person called you that once,” Eli complained, and she shrugged daintily.

“And I’m the DM, which means I am the most powerful person here.” Micah grinned and spread his hands as protests erupted around him.

Joy bubbled up in Malik as Misael got into the groove of things, listening, laughing along with them or making suggestions, asking questions about rules and gameplay. At 10, when people stood, and stretched, and made their way out, Misael lingered in the kitchen, watching Malik clean up.

“That was fun,” he murmured, handing Malik a plate for the dishwasher.

“It is.” He eyed Misael speculatively. “Hey, you know, we could roll a character for you. If you wanted to join.”

“I- really? You wouldn’t mind having a kid hanging out with you guys?”

Malik grinned. “Hell no. We’ve all been playing since we were your age. And I’d love to have another family member join in. I’ve been trying to convince Caleb for _years_ but his attention span…” he sighed heavily.

“I heard that!” Caleb called from the other room. He appeared in the doorway, then walked over to poke Malik in the stomach. “I have the attention span for 1000 page history books, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. And hey, you two, we have school tomorrow, let’s get to bed.”

Malik groaned. He always dragged on Fridays because of game night, but it was the only reliable night they could all get together. “Yeah, alright.” He set the dishwasher to run, and looped his arm around Caleb’s waist. “Think about it, Misael.”

Misael glanced between the two of them, looking quietly pleased. It was a good look for him, Malik decided. “Don’t need to think about it. When can I join?”

Malik let out a hoot of triumph in Caleb's face and pulled Misael in for a hug - after seeking his consent. “We did it, babe, we found the nerd/jock hybrid we’ve always dreamed of.”

Squeezing them both hard, Misael shook a little with laughter. When he pulled back, though, his face was shiny with tears. Malik and Caleb pulled him in again, rubbing over his back and whispering soothing words.

Upstairs, Misael paused at his bedroom door, fingers running over the paint of the door jamb. “Thanks, Malik. Coach.”

“You’re always welcome,” Caleb murmured.

“Always,” Malik echoed.


	95. Valentine's Tradition - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meghan and Amelia have a Valentine's Tradition
> 
> Year 33, February: (Amelia/35, Eli/37, Caleb and Malik/29, Meghan/43, Chris/50, Finn/57, Poe/66, Riya/6, Alex/6, Michael and Violet/11, Misael/16, Angelia, 10)

Amelia looked out her kitchen window again, biting her lip at the unseasonal snow. Unseasonal for the Willamette Valley anyway, to be getting snow as late as early February. She glanced down at her phone, but no text indicating Meghan was canceling on her. Of course she’d understand if she wouldn’t want to drag Riya and Angelina all the way out here, but- but.

Meghan and Amelia had a tradition, you see, and it would break Amelia’s heart if they were forced to break it.

Hands slid around her waist, and she glanced up at Eli. “Hi, honey.”

He kissed the crown of her head. “No news?”

Amelia sighed. “Just that Chris was going to plow the farm roads for them, but that doesn’t even cover all the roads between here and the farm. And people are so stupid in the snow. I don’t want them to get hurt.”

“Tell you what,” Eli murmured as he rocked her in his arms. “If Meghan has to cancel, I’ll do it with you.” Amelia snorted, and Eli pretended to look hurt. “What?’

“Baby, you can just be, um. A little precise. Today’s not about having the right formula or pattern. It’s about- it’s about sisterhood and glitter and tea and happiness.”

“Hmm. Just because I took way longer to fold our invitations than you did-”

“You had to be so precise! Oh my god, I almost called off the wedding.” She smiled up at him, winking.

He turned her in his arms and kissed her. “Okay, well, I’ll stick to my woodshop today, and it’s preciseness, and let you pass your wonderful hand with the arts and crafts down to the kids.”

She reached up to cup his face. “See, now you’re talking sensibly.” She rested her cheek against his chest, feeling him stroke over her ponytail. “Thanks, though, Eli. Seriously. I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Eli murmured.

\----------------------

Amelia had been five when the tradition started. Meghan had just come to stay with them, still nursing her broken arm, and she was quiet, and liked to keep to herself a lot.

Amelia had learned about Valentine’s Day at preschool. About how it was a day with lots of pink and hearts and chocolate, but also a day that you gave Valentines to your friends, and your family, and the people you loved. Amelia had gone immediately into a tizzy of making Valentines at her desk, forgoing even play time to finish everything. In the end, she had one for Daddy-Finn, and Daddy-Poe, and Snap, and Nanalay, and Nan, and Elisa, and everyone in class, and-

She bit her lip as she knocked on Meghan’s door. Her daddies had told her that Meghan needed rest and quiet. Amelia could understand that, like when she was sick. But Meghan had told her a funny joke at dinner last night, and- and- and hope burned bright in her heart that Meghan was going to be the perfect sister Amelia had longed for, once she felt better.

She heard shuffling, then the door opened, and Amelia flushed. “Hi, um. So in class we learned about Valentines and then we made Valentines for everyone we loved so I made one for Daddy and Daddy and Snap and Leia and Anne and-” Amelia ran out of breath. “And this one is for you.”

Meghan looked down at the paper Amelia had thrust in front of her. It was a crudely cut heart, covered in enough glitter and lace that it was sagging a bit in Amelia’s hands. “You made this for me?” she whispered, touched, her eyes tearing up a bit.

“Yeah, see, it says to Meghan, right there.” Amelia tapped the Valentine, and a shower of glitter fell onto the hardwood. “Oops.”

Meghan wiped at her eyes and drew Amelia into a one-armed hug. “Ames, this is so sweet. Thank you. Thank you so much. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

_ Ames.  _ Amelia’s heart warmed at the nickname. A new one, not sweet pea or nugget like her daddies called her. This was one just for Meghan to use. “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you.”  She squeezed Meghan’s knees.

Meghan let out a choked sob. “I love it. I love it, Amelia. I’m, um-” She broke away, walking back into her room, to the pinboard Finn and Poe had gotten for her. “I’m going to put it right here,” she murmured, pinning it right in the middle.

“Amelia! Time to test!” Finn called from downstairs.

“That means it’s almost dinner time,” Amelia said with a smile, turning back to the door.

“I’ll be right there. Just need to finish something up.”

When Amelia left, Meghan sat at her desk and began to draw furiously, tongue stuck between her lips. When Finn and Poe called her, she held the drawing out, then nodded, satisfied enough. She raced down the stairs, sitting by Amelia at the table.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” she murmured, passing Amelia the drawing.

Amelia’s eyes went wide. “It’s Buli! It looks just like Buli! Oh my goodness, Meghan, thank you.” She clutched the drawing to her chest and beamed up at Meghan.

Meghan couldn’t resist reaching over to fluff her hair. “I love you, Ames.”

From that year on, Meghan and Amelia had not only exchanged handmade Valentines, but Meghan had helped Amelia make them every year for everyone else, too. They’d find a Saturday in January or February and spend the whole day together, making them. The second year, Anne had learned of the little tradition and had volunteered to make it into a ladies’ tea and art day. She planned for days and made little sandwiches and cookies and completely took over the kitchen at the main house. It was a huge hit with the girls, and the next year, she started planning in November.

And so it went, the Smith-Dameron Ladies’ Tea, until Meghan went to college, and Amelia worried herself sick thinking the tradition of the last five years was going to be broken. She held it within herself, but everyone in the family kept commenting about how down she seemed. Then, one Friday afternoon, as she trudged from the bus stop home with Caleb, she’d spotted Meghan’s car in the driveway. She raced inside, and there was Meghan, setting out their Valentine supplies while she chatted with Daddy-Poe.

Amelia had rushed to her, throwing her arms around her torso and sobbing into her chest. It had taken the concentrated efforts of Poe, Meghan, and Caleb to get Amelia to confess to what had been making her so depressed lately.

The next day, Anne came over, and they had their day as usual, and the tradition was upheld.

Over the years, they’d only missed once or twice, but never more than once in a row. No one was willing to give up the day completely, even when Anne died, though the first Smith-Dameron Ladies Tea without her had been miserable. Amelia and Meghan had split Anne’s role between them, each responsible for making their favorite snacks for the day, or bringing new ones.

Amelia left Eli’s arms and checked the fridge. She’d had the day off, yesterday, and- “I might have gone a little overboard,” she murmured to Eli, looking at the plates of sandwiches and fruit and veggies and meat trays.

“I simply can’t understand why,” Eli whispered back, drawing a hand over her stomach.

Amelia blushed and looked up at him, then over at the kids. “Shhh, you.”

They weren’t telling anyone, yet. They were both still so scared after Amelia’s miscarriage, and rough pregnancy with Alex. They hadn’t even planned on having another- but life happened like that sometimes. They were scared, terrified, even, Eli had admitted the night after they’d confirmed the pregnancy with her gyno. So far, so good, but.

“If we have extra, I can take it to work on Monday,” Eli said, all nonchalance again.

Amelia was nodding when a strong knock sounded on the door, and she heard all the kids running to answer. “Let us, let us, guys. An adult. An adult needs to answer the door.” She huffed out the rule as she turned the corner to see the guilty look on their faces, but all their hands nicely down at their sides. “Thanks, guys.”

She pulled open the door, then immediately began to smile. “You made it!” She launched herself in Meghan’s arms as Riya and Angelina slipped past them and greeted the twins and Alex.

“Neither sleet nor snow could keep me from this, Ames,” Meghan said with a smile. “Plus Chris drove us in his truck and basically just scared everyone away from us.” She turned to wave at her husband in the driveway. “He’s going back to Caleb and Malik’s to hang with the boys and watch some ball game. Basketball, I think?” She shrugged, then brushed a kiss over Eli’s cheek. “He wanted to know if A) you wanted to join them and B) you wanted a lift.”

Eli looked at Amelia, and she grinned. “Well, now that you don’t have to fill in for Meghan, go for it, babe.”

Eli gave her a sweeping kiss. “Take care, I love you,” he whispered in her ear, grabbing his coat.

“Love you right back,” Amelia called, then leaned over to carry one of Meghan’s bags into the kitchen. “Shall we?” she asked, holding her arm out for Meghan.

“We shall,” Meghan replied, grinning wide and taking her arm.


	96. The Ford Family does Manhattan - rated G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pleasecallmesurely prompted me with "I'm super scared of heights but you don't know that and really wanted to go up the Empire State Building so I'm just gonna pretend it's all fine and OH GOD WE'RE SO HIGH HOLD ME"
> 
> and my mind went immediately to Calik for whatever reason.
> 
> Year 33, June: (Amelia/35, Eli/37, Caleb and Malik/30, Meghan/44, Chris/51, Finn/57, Poe/66, Riya/7, Alex/6, Michael and Violet/11, Misael/16, Angelia, 10)

Malik edged back to the corner of the elevator, circling his arms around Caleb’s waist and pulling him close. He rested his head against his husband’s back, even though it was sweaty from the summer heat and humidity. Eh, he’d had worse, if they were speaking of fluids Caleb had produced. He smiled despite his tiredness at the dirty thought and wondered if they’d have energy for anything once they got back to the AirBnB.

“We’ve been here f’r’ver,” Angelina murmured, not quite a complaint, never quite a complaint. Maybe one day she’d feel comfortable enough with them to, heaven forbid, complain. Malik smiled at her, and took one of his hands from Caleb’s waist to hold it out to her. She took it, leaning in against him and Caleb, looking tired too. On the other side of Caleb, Misael leaned against the side of the elevator, tapping it in a rhythmic pattern. Malik couldn’t actually see him, blocked by Caleb’s tall body, but he could hear the energy coming off Misael in waves. Misael had taken to New York City like a duck to water, and something deep in Malik’s gut worried that they might lose their boy to the big city.

Christ, how fast Misael had become his  _ boy. _ The adoption had only been finalized a month ago. This trip, a celebration of becoming united as a family - in the eyes of the state, anyway - as much as it was for Misael to tour college campuses. But, dammit, Misael was his  _ boy  _ and Angelina was his  _ girl _ and Caleb was his  _ man _ , and Malik had never felt more at home in the world.

“We’re almost halfway, sweetie,” Caleb murmured, and Malik squeezed her hand. She nodded quietly, hugging her new drawing pad closer to her chest, looking way tinier than her ten years. When he thought- Malik chewed his lip. When he thought of what Misael had saved her from, he just wanted to pull her tiny body, with her wavy brown locks that flowed halfway down her back, into his, wrap his arms around her, keep her safe forever. He felt the same fierce protectiveness over Misael, and Caleb, of course. He’d never known- never known his heart could have the capacity for it, to be honest.

Eventually, the crowded elevator came to a stop, and family by family, they cleared out onto the observation deck. Angelina kept her hand firmly tucked in Malik’s, but she tugged on it, eager to get out to the fence and see the city as Misael pulled ahead of everyone, phone out to take pictures.

Malik took an involuntary breath at the sight, boosting Angie up so she could see, and she gasped in delight. “Oh my  _ gosh, _ Malik, it’s  _ amazing!” _

“It’s beautiful,” he murmured to her, seeing Misael snap a pic of them out of the corner of his eye. He turned with a smile, looking for his husband, feeling the need to share a kiss while they were on top of the world, or nearly so. The smile fell from his lips as he spied Caleb, pale in the afternoon heat, clutching at the railing, his fists white-knuckled. “Baby?”

Malik swiftly set Angelina down and moved to Caleb’s side, watching the anxiety shimmering in his eyes. “Caleb?” he said more softly. He pressed his hand over Caleb’s, and found that his pulse was beating too rapidly. “Can you breath with me, Cay?”

Caleb’s nod was tight as he continued to look out at the skyline. Malik counted out a breath, just like Caleb had shown him when he’d walked him through his own panic attack in the bathroom, all those years ago. And many times since then, too. 

“Coach?” Misael rushed up, pulled along by Angelina.

She tugged on her brother’s hand and gave him a command in Spanish that Malik understood -  _ “Help him!” _

“He’s okay, two, three, four. Just a panic attack, two, three, four. Not really sure what caused it-”

“Can’t-” Caleb whooshed out a breath. “Move. Gonna fall. Gonna fall and die.”

_ Since when is Caleb scared of heights?  _ Not that Malik was going to argue or demand an explanation right now. “Um. Misael, can I have your cap?”

Misael shoved his baseball hat into Malik’s hands before he’d finished the sentence. Malik settled it on Caleb’s head, pulling it low, the bill settling shade over Caleb’s eyes and blocking his view of most of the deck. “You’re going to hang on to me, Cay-Cay. We’re safe, and you can let go of the railing, you won’t fall. I’ll hold you.”

Slowly, Malik pried Caleb loose from the railing and turned him away from the view. His back to the heights, Caleb seemed to recover somewhat, shaking, but rushing to the wall and practically hugging it. Malik followed, rubbing over Caleb’s back. Caleb crept along the wall, keeping his whole side brushing against it like he needed it to hold his weight, and turned to go back toward the line for the elevator. “I’m just going to- going to head down now,” he muttered, sounding sick and disgusted with himself as he handed Misael his hat back.

Malik chewed his lip and looked back at Misael and Angelina. “Do you guys want to stay, or-” Angelina shook her head reluctantly at the same time that Misael nodded. Malik knelt in front of Angelina. “You can come with Caleb and I, angel, or you could stay here with your brother, if you wanted to look at the other side.”

She hovered reluctantly, chewing on her lip, and Malik gave her his most winning smile. “Caleb’s going to be okay, but I just want to make sure he gets back safely. We’ll be waiting at the bottom for you, and you have your walkie, and Misael has his cell phone.”

Slowly, she nodded, hugging Malik around the neck. She grinned up at Misael, though, and then the two of them were off to explore.

Caleb was silent in the line and on the ride down. When they’d gotten away from the line crowd, he leaned against the building and rubbed his hands over his face. Malik leaned beside him, resting his body lightly against the side of Caleb’s, providing silent support.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Caleb murmured.

“Cay.”

Caleb sighed. “Yeah, okay. I still feel like shit, though.”

“You- I didn’t know you were afraid of heights. I know a lot about you,” he added with a smile, nudging Caleb’s shoulder. “Way to keep a secret.”

Caleb laughed derisively. “Yeah, well, I’m pretty good about avoiding heights. And when I can’t, I- I’m always kind of hoping I can just- you know. Push through it. Like, you know that show where people are afraid of snakes so they put ‘em in a tub full of snakes, or whatever.”

“Honey.”

Caleb turned, taking Malik into his arms and resting his head, sighing.

“That was genuine fear I saw up there, Cay. Full on panic trigger. You don’t have to put yourself through that.”

“Feel weak otherwise.”

Malik scoffed. “Let’s just shut that hetero nonsense down right now,” he joked, and was pleased when Caleb smiled. He worked his fingers over Caleb’s cornrows. “You are not weak. Do you want an itemized list?”

Caleb hugged Malik tighter. “Maybe later.”

They stayed together until it became too unbearable in the baked concrete afternoon heat. Malik was just finishing tapping through his phone when Misael and Angelina joined them, and he let Caleb reassure them he was okay.

“Who wants rolled ice cream?” Malik offered. “I just found a place around the corner.”

Malik smiled as everyone’s heat-weary faces perked up, and he led them away like the pied piper.


	97. Worth it - rated E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb and Malik are celebrating their five-year anniversary.
> 
> For day 21 of Kinktober: shower/bath
> 
> Year 36, December: Caleb and Malik’s 5 year anniversary (Amelia/38, Eli/40, Caleb and Malik/32, Meghan/46, Chris/53, Finn/61, Poe/70, Riya/9, Alex/9, Michael and Violet/14, Misael/19, Angelina, 13, David/3)  
>  (David is Amelia and Eli's new(ish) son)
> 
> Originally in Out of Time as Chapter 43

Malik eyed the wine glasses, then grinned and tipped the rest of the bottle evenly between the two of them. 

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Caleb said with a laugh from the doorway. “Want me to grab the other bottle to take out with us?”

Malik knew his eyes were twinkling, but he tried for a serious look. “I think for the sake of having to live with you for the rest of the weekend with a hangover the size of LA, I’m going to go with no.” 

“Hey, in sickness and in health, babe,” Caleb replied, stepping close to Malik and cupping his cheek. 

Malik could feel himself melt, just a little, the way he always did when Caleb’s eyes were on him like this. “Mmm, I guess I did promise that, didn’t I?”

“Mmhmm.” Caleb’s lips settled over his, and Malik closed his eyes, letting himself drift a bit. “Five years ago today, as a matter of fact.”

They were doing a bit of a staycation for their anniversary. Angelina was over at Amelia and Eli’s, spending the night with the twins. They weren’t picking Misael up from the airport for winter break for a few days. For once, everything had seemed to align perfectly. 

“It’s- not even- that cold outside,” Caleb murmured, punctuating his words with kisses.

“My ass.”

Caleb’s hands slid down to take possession of said ass. “Mmm, your ass indeed.” 

Malik snorted against Caleb’s lips. “Christ, I love you. Dunno why, but I love you.” 

Caleb readjusted until he was rocking Malik in a small dance around the kitchen. “I don’t know why you put up with this either, but thank you. May you never come to your senses.” 

Malik hummed and laid his head on Caleb’s shoulder. “If coming to my senses means losing all this, no thanks.” 

“I’ll drink to that,” Caleb whispered, pressing a kiss to Malik’s forehead. 

Malik stepped out of Caleb’s arms, letting Caleb spin him in their slow dance, then handed a glass of wine off to Caleb after taking one for himself. He held it up. “To- to another five years.”

“Ten,” Caleb corrected, clinking his glass against Malik’s. “Fifteen.” Clink. “Twenty. What are my dads at? Almost 35? Why aim small?”

Malik grinned, taking a sip, letting the nice merlot - from a vineyard near Organa’s - roll around on his tongue. An anniversary gift from the dads in question, and he had to admit, Finn and Poe knew their shit. 

Caleb set their glasses aside to swoop Malik into another kiss, the taste of the wine clinging to Caleb’s lips in a way Malik found almost more intoxicating than the actual alcohol. “What say we take these obscenely large, obscenely full glasses of wine out to the hot tub, get a little naked, and see where the night takes us?”

“Yeah,” Malik said a little breathlessly, lost in Caleb’s eyes. Then, he jumped, making Caleb jump. “Oh! We need to make a detour to the bedroom, though.” Caleb waggled his eyebrows, and he laughed. He  _ loved _ this ridiculous man. “For your  _ present.” _

He picked up his glass and left the kitchen, trusting Caleb to follow. He wasn’t disappointed. “Wait here. Um, no, wait, strip.” 

“Wait, so my eyebrow waggle  _ was _ appropriate? Nice.” 

“Just strip, CayCay.” Malik moved into the walk-in closet and pulled the bag out from where he’d been hiding. Hastily, he stripped himself, meticulously folding his dress pants and shirt and rehanging them. 

“Okay, Mal, I’m stripped.”

Malik shrugged into the microfiber robe he’d gotten for himself. “Close your eyes.” He carried the matching robe out to Caleb, who was standing dutifully naked -  _ beautifully _ naked - with his eyes closed. “Put out your arms for me, baby,” Malik murmured, maneuvering Caleb so he could slip the robe up onto him. “What do you think?”

Caleb opened his eyes to watch Malik tie the robe’s rope loosely around his waist. “I love it.” 

Malik adjusted the soft gray lapels. “It looks good on you.” He leaned in to kiss Caleb’s chest where the vee of the robe parted.  

“Thank you.” Caleb cupped Malik’s face and brought him in for another kiss. 

Wordlessly, leaning into each other, using their hands for their wine and their free hands twined together, they padded out to the hot tub. It was still one of Malik’s favorite things about this house. Bless the former owners for not wanting to take it when they moved. 

Bless the strategic bushes that let them skinny dip. 

Malik discarded his robe and slipped in quickly - he didn’t care what Caleb said, it was still fucking freezing out here - and watched as Caleb got the bubbles going. Soon, he was nestled against Caleb’s chest in the hot bubbling water, sipping at his wine, cherishing the feel of Caleb’s fingers running along his arm. They chatted idly about their days; it was so good to unwind, the kids could be crazy this close to winter vacation. 

“Favorite moment so far?” he asked into the relative quiet of one of the pauses in their conversation.

“In the last five years?” At Malik’s nod, Caleb hummed, resting his chin on Malik’s head. “It’s not one moment, per se. But I think my fave is waking up next to you. Maybe not on weekdays, when we’re both grumpy and tired.” Malik laughed lightly. “But when I wake up, and you’re on your phone, trying to delay the day from starting as long as possible, and we’re in some type of space that’s not attached to time. Just you and me, in the covers, all warm and cozy. That’s my favorite.” 

Malik took a long sip of wine and felt Caleb do the same. “I think I do have a particular moment.” 

“Mmm?”

“When you single-handedly lobbied for and got the funding for the staff training on sexual abuse so cases like Misael’s could be recognized faster. It’s not- obviously not a  _ pleasant _ subject, but I’ve rarely been prouder of you.”

“Baby. Mal.” Caleb’s voice was low, full of emotion. 

“I know I married a good man. I don’t mind being reminded of that, though.” Caleb’s cornrows pressed against his cheek as he buried his face in Malik’s shoulder. Malik turned his head to kiss him there, lightly, tenderly. 

_ “I _ married a good man,” Caleb mumbled. 

“Well, then I guess we’re a good match.” Malik turned in Caleb arms and set their now mostly-empty wine glasses to the side.

He settled in that floaty way that water lets one move into a straddle on Caleb’s lap and cupped his husband’s cheeks. Caleb’s eyes were just a little teary, and Malik brushed the tears away before leaning in to kiss him sweetly. The wine, the heat of the tub worked on his blood, and everything seemed like moving in molasses, but it wasn’t frustrating. Instead, everything felt more intense. Beneath the bubbles, their cocks were brushing together idly, but Malik was feeling too lazy to do anything more about it than roll his hips against Caleb. 

His hands were at far better use cupping Caleb’s face so he could hold him still and kiss them both brainless. 

Caleb moaned into his mouth, sweeping his hands down Malik’s back and pulling him tighter, not letting him float away. Malik almost felt drugged, but god, it felt  _ so good, _ Caleb felt so good against him. Malik groaned, pleased through all the parts of his little gay, demi heart, to have found Caleb out among the rest of this huge, cruel world. To have found the one that brought him peace. 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he chanted against Caleb’s lips as their hips met in an increasing rhythm. 

Caleb shook his head, looking like he might cry again. “I love you so much,” he whispered back. His hand moved between them, and then finally, Caleb was stroking the both of them together in one of his hands. 

It didn’t take long for Malik to come, and he shuddered, still kissing Caleb, never wanting to stop kissing Caleb, holding him as he came too, as they rode it out, as they came down. 

Tired, Malik wrapped his arms around Caleb’s neck and pillowed their cheeks together. 

Later, when they got out, their limbs were like noodles, and between the hot water, and the alcohol, and the orgasms, they practically had to drag each other to the house and into bed. 

But it was fucking worth it, Malik thought with a grin as he drifted off to sleep, Caleb’s arms wrapped around him. 


	98. Family History - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Meghan, is Santa real?"
> 
> Flashbacks: Poe: 41, Finn: 32, Meghan: 18, Amelia: 9, Caleb: 5  
> The 'present': Amelia/38, Eli/40, Caleb and Malik/32, Meghan/46, Chris/53, Finn/61, Poe/70, Riya/9, Alex/9, Michael and Violet/14, Misael/19, Angelina, 13, David/3

Caleb was chewing on the end of his pencil when Amelia walked into their room and threw her backpack on the floor. “That’s gross, Cay Cay,” she muttered, then looked over his shoulder. “Whatcha working on?”

“S’only gross ‘cause you steal my pencils,” Caleb pointed out. “I’m trying to decide what to write Santa.”

Amelia sighed, and laid back on her bed. “What if Santa isn’t real?”

Caleb looked back at her, mouth agape, eyes wide. “But then where do the presents come from?”

Amelia shrugged, frowning. “Steven Johnson was telling everyone about it at recess today.” She picked at the edge of the quilt Nan had made her.

Caleb left his desk and came to sit at her feet. “I thought you said Steven Johnson was a-” Caleb looked behind himself to check that there were no adults about, but whispered the next part anyway, _“a doody-head.”_

“He _is_ a doody-head,” Amelia said loudly, defiantly, her frown fierce as Caleb’s eyes went wider. “But he also knew the truth about the tooth fairy,” she continued forlornly.

Caleb stuck his tongue where he’d recently lost one of his front teeth. He’d been singing _All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth_ pretty much nonstop, until Daddy-Poe had banned it to once a day only, anyway. “Yeah. But don't you think it was a little scary, a fairy that collects teeth?” He shuddered, then laid back next to Amelia. “What did doody-head say?”

“Well, he asked Molly how Santa could get to all the kids’ homes in all the world in one night.”

“Magic,” Caleb replied with a shrug.

“That’s what Molly said.”

Caleb blew out a breath. “What’d Steven say?”

“That our parents are Santa.”

“Hmm.”

“Mhmm.”

“Papi did put that special coffee Daddy likes in his stocking last year.”

“Mhmm. And I asked Santa this year for new soccer cleats and I saw a box from the shoe store in their closet.”

Caleb poked her side. “Why were you in their closet?”

“Uhhh…”

“Did you go searching for presents without me? No fair, Amelia!” He poked her again, and she caught his hand, and they ended up wrestling for control of her bed for a few minutes, until she gained the upper hand and dumped him on the ground - gently, of course. Mostly. She raised a pillow, ready for his counter attack.

“What’s _going on_ in here?”

Both children froze, then looked to the doorway, where Meghan stood, her earphones draped around her neck, her hand on her hip. Amelia coughed sheepishly and put the pillow back down on her bed, then held out a hand to pull Caleb up from the floor. “Nothing.”

“Uh huh,” Meghan replied, doubt filling her voice.

Amelia nodded, then elbowed Caleb into nodding. “Yep!”

Meghan folded her arms over her chest as she leaned against the door jamb. “Ames, do you need help with any homework?”

Amelia let her legs hit against the side of the bed. “Meghan, is Santa real?”

\-------------------------

Across the table, Chris snorted with laughter. “Oh my god, I wish I had been a fly on that wall, darlin’,” he said, clinking his beer bottle against Meghan’s wine glass. “The look on your face _had_ to be priceless.”

“<It absolutely fucking was,>” Caleb said, sitting back down at the table and handing one of his cookies to Malik.

Amelia just smiled as she sipped at her own wine. “<I’ll tell you, after Caleb gives me the kid report.>”

“<Oh, they’re good. I’d say about half of them are out like a light and the other half are zoned out on their phones, so, you know, a normal family holiday. Misael’s got it all covered.>” Caleb fit the entire cookie in his mouth as Malik rolled his eyes but didn’t call him on it - Nan’s cinnamon twirls (which had been made for so long by Finn, but was now _their_ precious responsibility to provide) were like the only sweet Caleb ever indulged in, so he had no room to nag.

Amelia, however: “<Cay-Cay, that’s gross.>”

“<You should tell the next part, Megs,>” Caleb managed after finishing his cookie and sticking his tongue out at Amelia. Malik was rapidly revising his decision on nagging.

“<Why don’t I remember any of this?>” Finn asked, elbowing Poe. “<Tell me I’m not going senile.>”

Poe laughed, leaning in to press a kiss to Finn’s temple. “<No, babe, it was the Christmas you had your appendix taken out. You were, uh. Out of it. Which is an entirely different story.>”

“< _What’re you doing later?_ >” Eli said, raising his eyebrows at Amelia as the entire table laughed; Finn hitting on Poe after coming out of surgery was a story that got broken out _every_ Christmas. Practically a family tradition at this point.

Finn made a face at Eli, which had everyone laughing more, until Meghan cleared her throat. “<Okay, so- >”

\-------

_Holy fucking shit._

That’s what was going through Meghan’s mind. But, like her therapist had trained her, she let the panicked thought through, let it have its moment, then moved it along. “Wh-what makes you think that?”

Amelia immediately went on a five minute long diatribe about some kid named Steven Johnson and the playground and that Santa was actually Finn and Poe and all magic was dead and there was nothing left to believe in and-

“Okay, okay, hold up, sis.” Meghan tried a placating movement with her hand, then came to sit on Amelia’s bed and pulled Caleb into her lap. She rested her chin on his braids and hugged him tight. God, how was he so big already? “Isn’t Steven Johnson the one that got in trouble for calling you and Molly names?”

Amelia gave a little shrug and looked decidedly away from her.

"Doody-head," Caleb muttered under his breath.

“Uh huh, well. Sounds like maybe we shouldn’t be listening to Steven.”

“But it doesn’t make _sense,_ Megs,” Amelia moaned, and Caleb agreed. “How can one person get to all the homes in all the world in one night?”

She looked up at Meghan, like Meghan could solve all the problems in the entire world if she could only answer this question correctly.

\-------------------

Amelia groaned and put her hand over her face. “<Okay, I swear, I did _not_ mean to ever put you in that situation, Meghan. >”

Eli wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in for a side hug.

Meghan just shooed the thought away. “<Hey, you and Cay were actually pretty good practice for Riya. No worries.>”

\-----------------------

“Well, how do Daddy-Poe and Uncle Snap harvest everything on the farm by themselves?”

The look of confusion that passed over Amelia’s face would have been amusing, if Meghan hadn’t been sweating profusely from nerves.

“They don’t, Megs. They hire the seasonals when they need to harvest.”

The _duh_ was implied in the 9-year-old’s tone and eyes. Meghan _almost_ laughed. Instead, she just raised her eyebrows. Caleb and Amelia peered up at her, then at each other, then up at her again, then-

“Santa hires daddies - and mommies I guess -”

“To _help_ him when it’s busy season!”

They beamed up at her, and she couldn’t help it, then, hiding her smile by hugging them both to her. “Pretty genius of Santa, huh?”

They nodded in tandem, then Amelia got a contemplative look on her face. “Daddy-Poe and Daddy-Finn are already so busy being a farmer and lawyer. Can’t Santa hire someone else?”

Meghan hugged Amelia to her again. “Well, I think they took the job because they like being able to know they helped make your Christmas happy.” She placed kisses on both their heads. “But working two jobs at once is hard, you know? So it’s a good time of year to just be really nice to everyone all the time.”

\----------------------

Poe looked down to where Finn’s head was laying on his shoulder, then reached up to brush a tear off of his husband’s cheek. Not that his own eyes were dry. “<That was- really, really good, Meghan. Nice job,>” he murmured, to nods around the table.

“<I was mostly glad I didn’t fuck it up.>” She shrugged, a blush tinging her cheeks.

“<Not at all, honey,>” Finn said quietly, raising a toast to her.

Glasses clinked as smiles were exchanged, and the Smith-Dameron-Suzuki-Cohen-Lawrence-Fords settled into their seats to recount more family history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On Thursday, while I was at the first showing for The Last Jedi at my theater, my dad called. He never calls that late, so I took the call, and he told me that my uncle had died unexpectedly. 
> 
> When I think of my uncle, I think of a lot of things; he was a huge Star Wars nerd for one, as well as a nerd for stuff like the Universal Monster movies, and James Bond. He was a poet and author, a wonderful writer. 
> 
> In my family, when we get together, it often involves something like what the Smith-Damerons (to make it short and sweet) were doing - at Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and July 4th, and whenever - we sit around someone's table and tell stories about the past. The family's lore, if you will. My uncle was an integral part of this for my family. The Lore Keeper. 
> 
> I don't often give a long explanation for why I'm writing something, but I just wanted to this time, because...I'm putting this out there for my uncle. <3 RIP
> 
> Also, thank you to Starbird for letting me adapt their story of how they discovered Santa isn't real.


	99. Mix it up: Caleb and the Cousins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Michael is trans, and he and Caleb talk about it a little bit.
> 
> Year 37, July: Caleb and the Cousins (Amelia/39, Eli/41, Caleb and Malik/33, Meghan/47, Chris/54, Finn/61, Poe/71, Riya/10, Alex/10, Michael and Violet/15, Misael/20, Angelina, 14, David/4)

“Okay.” Caleb stood, hands on his hips, running through a quick head count. _Angelina, Violet, Michael, Riya, David, Alex._ By some miracle, all of the cousins were present and accounted for, and not even arguing, yet. They were also surrounded by a small pack of the various family dogs, rolling around on the ground, getting dirty and having lots of fun already. “Okay,” he said again, mostly to reassure himself. _Okay._

So the thing was, they were on family vacation. Camping. In a place that, horror of horrors, didn’t have cell service. And Caleb, being Caleb, had agreed to take the cousins out for some type of physical activity, and the other adults, being _smart,_ had agreed and then quickly hustled off to parts unknown. Even his husband had betrayed him, by getting a vacation cold, and staying in the tent to sneeze and cough and be miserable. 

If they’d been on the farm, with the various Wexley and Calrissian grandchildren, they could have just had a soccer match and been done with it. But with the _slightly_ smaller Smith-Dameron-Suzuki-Cohen-Ford brood, Caleb had to improvise.

“Okay.”

“Okay!” David yelled back excitedly, clapping his hands. At four, he was by far the youngest of the crew, and probably the one least likely to give Caleb any crap. Except literal crap, because he wasn’t so good at the potty thing yet.

“Alright, so today, we have one goal.” Using the best of his entertaining teacher capabilities, Caleb spread his hands wide and tried to sell the anticipation. “We are going to hike to the lake, and eat lunch there. But we aren’t allowed to bring any of the food we brought from town with us.”

“Isn’t it dangerous to just eat random stuff?” Violet asked, pushing up her glasses in a way that was so reminiscent of Malik that Caleb had to smile.

“Well, I bet you guys didn’t know this, but Amelia - Aunt Amelia - Mom - and I did Cub Scouts together for quite a few years. I’ll keep us safe, I promise.” He frowned slightly as Angelina slipped her hand in Violet’s. “Guys, we’re going to be okay. I’m not going to kill us.”

David, at least, was all for it, like he normally was with any Caleb plan. Man, he had liked adopting older kids, but he missed having younger nieces and nephews.

The rest of them looked pretty skeptical.

\---------------

Violet and Angelina had their heads tucked together up ahead, whispering fiercely about something or another. Caleb wasn’t sure what kind of gossip they could be whispering about so fiercely without access to their phones, but he’d also learned never to underestimate teens. Alex, Riya, and David were all signing to each other in the middle. After checking on the rest once again, Caleb turned to Michael, who had fallen into step beside him and _seemed_ kind of like maybe he wanted to talk. “What’s up, my buddy?” Well, Caleb had never been good at being subtle.

Michael shrugged.

“You doing cross-country with me next fall?”

Michael sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s not like I’m any good, Uncle Cay.”

“What? You PR’d at every race last year!” Caleb took a deep breath. “But if you don’t want to, I totally get it. I won’t be disappointed at all.”

“I PR’d because you literally can’t run any slower than me when I started.”

“Yeah, but that’s progress, my dude!”

“It’s just going to be worse this year,” Michael grumbled, tugging at his shirt.

Caleb suddenly realized what was going on. Despite being on T, Michael’s chest had grown over the last year or so. Caleb made a mental note to talk to Amelia and Eli about sports wear that might help Michael feel more comfortable with his body. In the meantime, “No pressure, Michael. None at all. I just want you to be happy. And hey, if you don’t like the competition, but like the running, we could just get together by ourselves? Maybe set up a couple of fall 5k fun runs as our goal? Do a color run or a charity event? There’s that one they do for hospice. No timers, no chips, just having fun knowing you’re doing a good thing.”

Michael glanced up at him with a smile, then dropped his arms more naturally to his sides. “That sounds good.”

 

“<Okay, so, you can see the leaves here, and from the way the berries grow, that this one is okay to pick.>” He’d left the older teens at the lake, fishing, to show Riya, Alex, and David how to tell edible food from inedible. They'd all fished for awhile, Caleb wanting to be sure that there was enough for lunch before he left to supplement it with things from the forest. “<These will go great with those blackberries we found.>”

“<I thought we’d be eating leaves!>” Riya signed, laughing.

“<Well, I bet we could find some if you _really_ wanted, Ree. >”

Riya burst into giggles, signing “No, no!” over and over again while the boys joined her in protest.

“<Okay, fine, fine,>” Caleb sighed, mock-aggrieved. “<Let’s take this stuff back to the lake, and eat some lunch. Who’s hungry?>”

“Me! <Me!>”

“Dad!” Angelina’s voice rang through the forest, and Caleb shot to his feet, running toward the shore.

When he broke through the trees, he was glad to see that everyone was on their feet, conscious, and not visibly bleeding. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Sammy got into the fish, and then Mugsy, um, helped.” Angelina pointed behind her, where Caleb could see the three fish they’d caught and been planning to eat for lunch, half-eaten and strewn across the sand.

“Ugh.”

“Unca Cay, I’m hungry.” David tugged on his shorts, eyes already tearing up. Trust the toddler to instinctively know that food was farther away than ever.

“Okay.”

“Dad?”

“Uncle Caleb.”

“Okay.” He pulled his backpack off and started unzipping it. Always have a back up plan. “Who wants s’mores?”

“And berries!” David added, holding out his basket.

“S’mores and berries. Lunch of champions.” Caleb tried his winning grin, and by god, it actually worked.

  
The hike home was a lot faster, the kids all hyped on sugar and the prospect of _real food_ back at camp. Caleb wasn’t sure hot dogs counted as real food, but hey, no one had died, there had been minimal tears, and everyone was still talking to each other. He’d take it as a win.


	100. Sick Day - rated T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb has caught a bad version of the latest cold going around the school, but he's trying to power through.
> 
> FFC Day 25: Character A has a cold

Caleb tried not to let guilt eat away at him completely as his fifth period kids happily watched a movie and texted on their phones. He’d been trying to scrape through the week, felt like he’d been clawing at the days just to survive another, just to make it to the weekend so he could _sleep._ His neck snapped and he jolted awake, feeling his face flush. Fuck, he was such a horrible teacher, he’d fallen asleep at his fucking desk. Miserable, he rubbed his eyes and blew his nose once again.

This year’s cold season was _horrible._

“You look tired, Mr. Ford,” Teddy, one of his students pointed out. Ah, freshmen. Hadn’t quite learned the whole social tact thing yet. Teddy reached for one of the tissues, blowing his nose, too. It would be very easy for Caleb to blame Teddy for getting him sick, but it could have been one of the hundreds of other kids sneezing and coughing all over the school.

Instead, he just offered a comiserial smile. “Thanks Teddy. You on the mend?”

Teddy blew his nose, then shrugged. “Sure.” He pulled out a few more tissues for his desk. “You know what I like about you, Mr. Ford?”

“Let me guess, is it the fact that I’m letting you watch Finding Nemo instead of studying the French Revolution?”

“Nah, it’s because you always bring in the good tissues for us, instead of that crap the school provides that feels like sandpaper.”

Caleb’s heart warmed a little, and he managed a tired smile. “Thanks,” he murmured, unsure of what else to say. It was definitely true that Caleb and Malik spent no small amount of their money making sure students had supplies, and yes, tissues that made them feel human and not like they deserved the worst.

Caleb sat, blearily watching Nemo, not really paying attention to the plot of a movie he’d seen dozens of times since childhood. Most of his kids hadn’t seen it, though, and he was a history teacher after all, he was just introducing his kids to the classics.

That didn’t make him feel any less guilty for watching the movie instead of teaching.

The bell rang and he paused it, laying his head down on his desk for a brief second as classes changed periods. A few students told him to feel better. His heart warmed again.

A warm hand slid over his back, then tugged on one of his braids, and his eyes opened in surprise to find Malik standing over him. He must have closed the door against students when he’d come in, because none of the bustle of Caleb’s usually rambunctious 6th period could be heard. “You’re going home.”

“What? No, sub plans,” Caleb protested weakly.

“You’re going home. Rae’s going to drive you. I’m going to cover 6th and Phil’s got 7th, and honestly, baby, if you’re just playing a movie, there’s no need for you to be here. Let me babysit.”

Caleb laid his head down again, knowing Malik was right, but feeling guiltier than ever. “But, practice.”

“Caleb Ford, you are _not_ running this afternoon. It’s raining! That’s probably how you got sick in the first place!”

Caleb heard the loud ticking of the second hand on his wall clock. He didn’t have enough time or energy to put up more than a token protest, and that told both of them all they needed to know about how sick he really was, how miserable he was really feeling.

Malik pulled him to his feet with barely a protest from Caleb, and wrapped him in his warm winter coat. “I love you, you stubborn ass. Rae’s waiting outside, I already talked to Francisco about this, it’s all worked out, come on, baby, I’ll bring your bag home later, just need your keys, which are already in your pocket…”

Malik kept murmuring to him comfortingly as he walked Caleb to the door of his classroom, where he handed him off to Rae, one of the science teachers who also had prep this period. Malik greeted the 6th period students with a smile and “Who wants to watch a movie?” Caleb even smiled as he heard the distant cheering.

 

Malik found him later, snuggled under a dozen blankets in their bedroom. Malik was carrying a glass of orange juice, which he set next to Caleb’s nearly full glass of water. “Did you get some sleep?”

Caleb nodded, pulling Malik down to sit beside him and burying his face in Malik’s stomach. Malik just let the silence lie, stroking over Caleb’s cornrows for a few minutes. “I need you to drink the oj or the water, Cay-Cay. Gotta stay hydrated.”

Caleb groaned, protesting vocally when Malik helped him into a sitting position.

“If I’d known that getting a cold turned you into a five year old maybe I wouldn’t have said ‘in sickness and in health’,” Malik teased.

“Sorry.”

“Oh, baby, you just sound miserable.” He cupped Caleb’s cheek, then turned away. “Oj or water?”

“Water,” Caleb rasped. Malik helped him drink it down, then let him lay down again.

Caleb thought he was leaving, but instead, when Malik stood, he came around the other side of the bed and slipped under Caleb’s covers.

“Angel?” Caleb sniffled.

“She’s fine. She’s going to Ana’s after practice for a sleepover. Already talked to Mr. Hernandez. Go to sleep, baby.”

With Malik’s arms weighted around his middle, and his soft breath pressing into his neck, and the cold dragging his eyelids down, it was hard to resist.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @animalasaysrauer on tumblr! Comments and kudos are always appreciated. If you're reading this for the first time, welcome to the farm! If you're rereading, welcome back. You're always welcome in my safe space.


End file.
